Wayne (2019) s01e06 Episode Script


(ENGINE REVVING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (DOOR ALARM DINGING) What the fuck, bro? You think you can just cut me the fuck off back there? You fucking asshole! I'm fucking talking to you! Hey! Look at me, motherfucker! (GASPING) What the fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, look, man.
I'm real sorry, man.
Don't fucking do it.
I didn't mean to (WHIMPERS) (GASPS) That's a cute car.
Is that your mother's car? You have a safe fucking trip, yeah? - (GASPS) - Hey, how far is Ocala? - Nine hours, Daddy.
- Let's go get that motherfucker, yeah? - Motherfucker! - Motherfucker! (TIRES SQUEAL) (GASPS) - Fuck! - (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN: Okay, guys, let's go.
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
You never eat at a table with the little kids.
Kids do gross shit.
They snot all over everything, they touch their own assholes It's fucking gross.
I hate mushrooms.
I'll eat your fuckin' mushrooms.
You guys wanna see me down it? I'm hanging with a bunch of pussies.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
GIRL: So cool.
(GAGS) Holy shit! I need water! - That's not so hard.
- (GIRL LAUGHING) GIRL: Why did you do that? Oh, my God.
GIRL: Are you crying? I need to pee.
I bet you do.
Truancy raid! All right! Y'all know the drill.
And no cussing on the way to the van.
Huh? Let's go, girlie.
Don't you fuckin' touch me.
I don't even go to your stupid school.
You keep that up, and I'm gonna have to call your parents, all right? - You, check her bag for contraband.
- Hey, give it back! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop that! What the fuck! Put me down! I don't go to his fucking school! WALSH: Not so tough now, are you? Where's the girl? Uh, I don't know which girl you mean, but the truancy cops just raided this bitch.
(TIRES SQUEAL) Who are you? I mean, kneeing that narc in the balls like that Move over Cate Blanchett, I think I found my new spirit animal.
Please tell me you're new here.
I'm just on vacation, or whatever.
In Richmond Hill? (SNORTS) Why? Because mind ya own business, that's why.
- Oh! She's sassy.
- Okay.
Is there some sort of way we can bust out of here? Like a fucking fire alarm we can pull, or something? You're low-key hilarious.
This is lunch detention, not prison.
Plus, don't you need your bag? JENNY: They'll give it back to you later.
But for now, we should probably just chill - and wait to see what the snack is.
- Mmm-hmm.
They feed you during detention here? Don't worry, if it's bland, we got some Flamin' Cheetos stashed over in Non-Fiction.
So, you're hanging out with us after school.
That's a thing.
(EXCLAIMING) Man! This hotel's is on some four-star shit! I can use this fancy lotion, right? Take it.
Take the soap.
Take everything.
I don't care.
Don't people mingle and shit at conferences? Should you get down there? Not yet.
I've got to get settled, gotta iron some shirts, work on my speech We could just bail and get back to finding Wayne.
The Superintendent is gonna be following up on how I do, since she knows there's a chance to get some grant money.
How much cash we talkin'? I don't know.
Enough to buy some computers and other computer things.
But I can't do anything with the room like this.
Oh, shit.
You haven't even started on your speech yet.
What? Yes, I have.
You don't What are you talking about? You're procrastinating.
I do the same thing when I have a big paper due.
I'll clean my room, pick up those tiny fuzz balls off my sweaters I wrote it, okay? Basically.
It's all up here.
Why don't you go relax by the pool, downstairs? Because what's the point, okay? It doesn't even matter what I say.
We're never gonna get a grant.
And even if we did, you know what those kids are gonna do with the technology it buys? They're immediately gonna break it, steal it, or pour chocolate milk into it.
So, what's the point? You know they have a sauna down there, too, right? Maybe you're right.
We should brainstorm some ideas.
What have you got? (EXHALES) Dude, could you just go downstairs, so I can watch my porn movies? Please get dressed.
Hold up.
How long are you in town for? Are you doing anything tonight? Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
Good call.
Our super lame-ass Spring Fling's tonight.
Ugh! I'm not comin' to your weird dance.
I don't even go here.
No, that doesn't matter.
We can bring whoever we want as dates.
I am bringing this hot mess, but I'm thinking, we all go as a polyamorous lezzy throuple, yeah? (GIGGLES) Can you imagine how hard they'd shit their fucking pants? Look at how eeked out this hoecake is already.
(GRUNTS) See that? That's the international sign for cunnilingus.
Of course, you wouldn't know that because you're dating a high school boy, right? (GIRLS GIGGLING) How about you? You got anyone? A guy? A girl? I don't know.
I got a Wayne.
What the fuck is "a Wayne"? - (TIRES SCREECH) - (MOTORBIKE REVS) - (TIRES SCREECHING) - (GIRL SCREAMS) BOY: Holy shit! - (STUDENTS EXCLAIMING) - Hey! (TIRES SQUEAL) I guess that's a fuckin' Wayne.
(GUARD SHOUTING) Is this the boy you had a little kerfuffle with? He means the dangerous criminal who nail-gunned your hands to a van.
Listen, when I talked to the other cops, the guys who wore actual uniforms, I told them everything I knew.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Excuse me.
(GROANS) Uh So, I'm assuming the hiring circumstances were similar to these gentlemen's? I didn't find him on Linkedln, if that's what you mean.
Did you pay him? Of course, I fuckin' paid him.
And this is what I get for it? Right.
Well, that doesn't quite add up now, does it? - May I have my goddamn phone back, please? - (CELL PHONE BEEPS) Look, the kids are on the road, okay? They need to eat.
I know you want to think he's some kind of angel, but if Wayne got desperate, - we're gonna have serious problems here.
- (DIAL TONE BEEPING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the Fayetteville Immigration Detention Center.
Our menu options have changed.
For English press 1.
You know, I came across a gentleman in Massachusetts, who had the darnedest scheme.
He'd hire workers with questionable citizenship status, and at the end of the day, instead of paying them, - he'd turn them in to Immigration.
- (CHUCKLES) Now, I hate to be rude, so, allow me to translate for our Spanish-speaking friends (SPEAKING SPANISH) (INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) I'm takin' you're not much of a school-type, are ya? People didn't like me much.
And I didn't like them much back.
(SCOFFS) Me, neither.
I dunno.
Schools are always gonna be filled with boneheads.
So's my house.
At least, at school, I got a decent lunch.
I was actually good at it, you know.
I had a best friend - I liked that pink soap.
- What? The soap in the bathrooms.
Smells clean.
You got a weird thing with smells, man.
You ever even read a book before? - Comics count? - Jesus.
I read a book before.
- Yeah? What was it called? - I don't remember.
- What was it about? - Werewolves.
There was also a lady who was part tarantula.
Yeah, of course there was.
I don't know, maybe it was just our school that was shit.
Maybe if we went someplace like this place, it would be different.
Dude, that was the tits.
Prince totally thought that your motorcycle was like a small earthquake.
She's like, "This is what your drills are for! - Remember your training!" - (BOTH LAUGHING) Trish and Jenny.
- What's up? - TRISH: What's up? Um (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) - Nice to meet you.
- JENNY: Hi.
So, you are coming to Spring Fling with us.
Oh, yeah, 100%.
And we may need to make an entrance on your bike.
Oh, my God! We should release doves if we can find them.
Like a stupid dance? With people dancing to, like, stupid music? Um, exactly.
But just for shits 'n gigs.
To rip on people, like, ironically.
- Talk shit on all the jocks tryin' get it in.
- (BOTH GRUNTING) Don't ya need good clothes to get into a stupid dance? You know what? Actually, it's cool.
My dad's girlfriend Uh, we can go to my place.
She has all these psycho-slut dresses that we can try on! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, and we can pre-game.
Like hard.
We're gonna pre-game.
I don't know.
Maybe it'll be fun? But nothing they said sounds like it.
No, no, no.
We voted.
Um, seven to three.
You're going now.
- See ya.
- See ya later, ladies.
Maybe they'll have that pink soap you like.
- Give me one of your peppers - Go fuck yourself.
Back off! For the love of Christ, will the two of you shut the fuck up? Tryin' to see if these jag-offs called about that demo job.
Would you fuck off with your sticky mitts! Fucking machine, man.
It's a piece of shit.
It won't work.
- You hit seven? - Hit seven, then the access number.
What's the access number? - Carl, access number? - I don't know.
Oh, try Del's birthday.
(SLURPS) - July 20th.
- Twentieth.
(BEEPING) Ha! Working.
or Mrs.
Luccetti? Am I saying that right? (CLEARS THROAT) This is Vice Principal Walsh from Alabaster High.
Give me some of your coleslaw WALSH: Your daughter got detention She didn't have her student ID and our system's down, but we found your number in her bag.
So, if you could come on in, help sort this out, that'll be great.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - I want some more sweet tea.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Not before you clean your ear Don't you fucking touch me! - (LAUGHING) Fuck you, Carl.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you, motherfucker! - Fuck you, motherfucker! (BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING) Whoa.
I love your room.
My dad's tragic taste in girlfriends did not disappoint - (LAUGHING) Look at these.
- Fucking Bridgette.
What, did your dad meet her in a slutty mental hospital, or something? Is this fox dead? Yeah, I took those.
Even roadkill deserves to be remembered.
That's wicked weird.
"Wicked?" Like "wicked" like, witch wicked? What? No, wicked like, really.
Like if you see some dudes struttin' down a street, you're gonna be like, "Look at that jabroni, thinks he's 'wicked' hard " - What? - Jabroni? (LAUGHING) Oh, honey, bless your heart.
Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't know, it's Southern for, (SNICKERS) "I'm judging you.
" Oh, Jesus.
(TRISH AND JENNY LAUGHING) JENNY: Anyway, you should totally sleep over tonight.
And you should also come to our school full-time.
Oh, my God! Yes! Dude, it could be like this all the time.
- Like The Three Wicked Bitches! - Oh, my God.
- So good.
- DEL: How do I look? I like you in your regular clothes.
You need something, too, you know.
Dude, got you, got you.
Uh, yes.
This is from my dad's third wedding.
TRISH: Sheesh! I gotta go to the bathroom.
Don't you like it? It's got matching pants, too.
I don't care.
(GIRLS LAUGHING) "And just like Middleweight Champion Marvin Hagler, Hagler High can take a beating.
That's why I believe we can be a contender in the arena of education.
" (SIGHS) Jesus.
- Good Jesus, or bad Jesus? - Bad Jesus.
If you can't talk up Hagler to a bunch of nerdy-ass principals who are balls deep into education, how do you expect to get through to Wayne, a kid who hates school? What do you want me to do? Motivate me.
You gotta speak through here.
You're a friggin' principal.
Tap into why you wanted to be one in the first place.
Honestly, I didn't.
I took a gym teacher temp job, and next thing you know, they made me Principal.
That's some white privilege shit right there.
That's what I said.
Listen, you got two options.
Reach deep down inside and come up with a speech that'll inspire people to donate to our school, or, half-ass it, like you've done your whole life, and steal a speech off the Internet like your lazy-ass students do.
- I'm gonna go with B.
The second thing.
- What the fuck! Speeches for Principal (KEYBOARD CLACKING) "To lead is to listen.
To educate is to understand.
To inspire, you must be more than a prince or a pal.
" (CHUCKLES) I like that.
I'm using it.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (GIRLS CHATTERING) (SNIFFING) DEL: Hey, Wayne! Can you grab my hair clip out of my bag? DEL: What the fuck, Wayne? You hear me? (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Oh, no, I need more color than this.
Gonna add some cilantro.
How's that look? Shades of Robin Hood, really.
- Cilantro? - The boy.
Stealing from the rich, helping the poor Sarge, we've now seen cases of arson, assault, a hole where a motherfucker's nose used to be, and you're still goin' on like he's some type of choir boy! (SIREN CHIRPS) (BRAKES SCREECH) Well, shit.
You ain't gained a pound! - Night yoga, my friend.
How's Connie? - Good, good.
She just self-published a kids' book about a couple of seashells learning to listen to one other.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Well, you gotta jiggle the handle.
Jiggle it hard.
I wanna thank you for sleuthin' out that construction business.
To think I was considerin' that asshole for my kitchen remodel.
The reason I tracked you down here Mayor over in Fayetteville, he's got every cop he can get out looking for a maniac who assaulted his son at a pit stop over in Fairmont.
Doused the kid in gasoline, threatened to torch him.
Guess what, this particular maniac had a Boston accent.
(MAN ON RADIO) I can't stop it.
- Well, get some more towels.
- Sorry, ran out already.
- How fast is this thing flowing? - 14 - Evidence room.
- Getting the evidence now.
Damn, duty calls.
Anything else develops, I'll let you know.
(ENGINE STARTS) All right, so, say we chalk this up to a good kid having a bad week, and he's this Robin Hood-type you think he is, - then what? - (SIGHS) What are you hoping to get out of this, Sarge? I guess what I'm really wondering is, do we need to protect Wayne from the world, or do we need to protect the world from Wayne? It's like trying to photograph this pea soup.
No matter how many filters I put on, it doesn't change the fact that it still looks like baby shit.
You know what'd pull these together? Ladies' monocles.
You guys, about this dance.
- Are we actually gonna dance? - Ah, it depends.
Yeah, if a half dope song comes on, I'll be like Oh, yeah! It's my baby girl.
- "Wicked" hot.
Say it.
- (DEL LAUGHS) Wicked hot.
What about you, New England Clam Chowder? - Oh, you want to see somethin'? - Oh, yeah.
- All right, you wanna see something? - Let's go.
- WAYNE: Del - Oh! What the crud? What took you so long? - Where's my hairclip? - Could we talk? Not here? - TRISH: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? - (GIRLS LAUGHING) DEL: Hey, we're almost done.
Will you stop acting like such a fucking weirdo? I think you should stay.
What? Yeah, we're staying for the dance It's fine.
I get it.
What the hell's wrong with you? I just think if you want to stay, you should stay.
So, where the fuck are you going? You'll have more fun without me.
So, you're just gonna fucking leave? - Real cool move, dick! - (CURTAIN CLINKING) I'll see you later, then? So, should I cancel our P.
Chang's reservation? They get real cunty about last minute shit.
Guys, be honest with me.
Is this too fucking much? Nah, dude, we look so fucking elegant right now.
For real, we look like some top shelf Helen Mirrens over here.
Dude, check out fucking Jeremy.
Hey, dude, they have to actually be into it, you chode! - Hey, you okay, lady bro? - Yeah, man, fine.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Hey, you know Trish and Jenny? - Yeah, man.
I know them.
Those two wild, you know what I'm saying? (POPPING LIPS) - Can you give this to 'em? - Sure, buddy.
I can't promise anything right now.
I just got into some pretty dank nuggs.
That's pretty sweet, right? Every Friday, it's the same thing.
They come here, order their mushroom pizza.
- I hate mushrooms.
- Yeah, so does he.
He hates the music in here, the smell of the place.
He tells me every week when she's not listening.
And I tell him, "Man, I can make your pizza half mushroom, half cheese.
" But he wants it that way.
Just so he can pick them off, and give them to her.
Sacrifice, man.
Oh, hey, hey? He may not be eating mushrooms, but you know what he'll be eating later? Vintage pussy.
Best to watch the evidence in here.
It's the only room in the building not affected by our unfortunate plumbing situation.
- You sure about that? - (LAUGHS) (MAN ON RADIO) Sir, we need you on the third floor.
(GRUNTS) Look, fellas.
I gotta go.
Good luck.
All right, so, if we see legit video proof of this kid on the verge of straight-up fiery murder, I just wanna let you know that Just hit it, Jay.
(BEEPS) It's not him.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) That ain't him.
Wait, that's the motherfucker I tased! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) MAN: Being a leader is sometimes messy.
Both for you and the people who work for you.
Maybe you're positive, you know the right road to take.
- Hey.
What'd I miss? - Hey, what are you doing down here? - I thought you wanted alone time.
- (APPLAUSE) Turns out I only needed three minutes.
All right.
Just be quiet.
I'm up next.
MAN: To lead is to listen.
To educate is to understand.
To inspire, you must be more than a prince or a pal - Oh, for fuck's sake.
Oh, no, no, no.
- (APPLAUSE) He just steal your stolen speech? Dumbass.
Should've scrolled to the second one.
MAN: I don't have to look any further than watching my own teaching staff in action.
- I am incredible - (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - Hey, you like football? - No.
Awesome, same.
Yeah, that's why I row.
Oh, honey, bless your heart.
(LAUGHS) (CHANTS) Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! (ALL CHANTING) Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Whoa! (ALL CHEERING) Do you wanna dance with me? I don't know.
How sweaty are your hands? (MUSIC PLAYING) (STUDENTS CHEERING) Hey, how you doin'? I'm, uh, Tom Cole.
Uh From Hagler High in Brockton, Massachusetts.
It's named after Marvelous Marvin Hagler.
- (WOMAN CLEARS THROAT) - The boxer? 1980s? No? When I was preparing for this speech, someone told me to dig deep and speak from the heart.
So, I did some digging.
(CHUCKLES) And you know what's in there? Hate.
Lots and lots of hate.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hate for the kids, my school, my job, but, uh, mostly, for myself.
MAN 1: Then why are you here? The gentleman wearing slacks with sandals would like to know why I'm here.
And, obviously, it's because I'm trying to get a grant.
For some electronics that'll end up being broken, stolen, or shit on.
That's a true story, FYI.
Last time we got tablets, someone took an actual shit on one.
So, now, we need new tablets.
- But you know where that shit comes from? - MAN 2: Your ass? No, it comes from us.
It comes from the top.
And that shit trickles down.
Hell, I can't even look most of the kids in the eye.
Uh, because if I do, their snotty, pierced faces just remind me that I'm failing them.
Maybe some of you have given up, too.
We know Sandals with Slacks clearly has.
Okay, I mean, Jesus.
I mean, that's a bad Jesus, by the way.
We know this guy has, okay.
'Cause he stole that same speech that I was gonna do.
He stole it from the Internet.
So, alls I'm saying is, we gotta work harder.
Maybe we gotta change first, before we ask them to.
So, buy 'em some fuckin' iPads.
- (STUDENTS CHATTERING) - (DEL CHUCKLES) - I thought we were wearing dumb stuff.
- What's dumb about that? Guess I did want to go for real.
No, I, uh, just mean Who even are we now? What are we gonna do after we find that car? We haven't really talked about that.
Are we ever even going back to school? Are we dropouts, now? I guess I just I don't know, I thought maybe, I'd never really have a chance to do this.
So I got scared.
Seeing you at school, with friends You looked happy, going to fancy houses It was one house.
I just don't want to take you away from a life you might like, or maybe want, I don't know.
It's not like I wanna stay And even if I don't know.
No matter what I do, I wanna I wanna do it with you, or whatever.
I don't wanna do it with not you.
You fuckin' idiot.
TEDDY: Whoo! - Surprise! - No! - Back the fuck up, Delilah! - (WAYNE GRUNTS) - Get off of him! - WAYNE: Get off me! DEL: Let me go! You fuckin' nuts? You come into my house, you fucking bust up my television A 32-inch fuckin' Zenith! You kidnap my fucking daughter! Stop it! I fucking chose to leave! Shut your fucking mouth, Delilah! - They're beating up Wayne! - DEL: Fuck you.
(BOTH GRUNTING) DEL: Stop it! Stop it! - Daddy! - Hold him.
Hold him.
- (GRUNTS) - (DEL SCREAMS) (WAYNE GRUNTING) - Motherfucker! - DEL: Fucking stop! - BOBBY: Come here! - Stop, Daddy! - (BOBBY GRUNTS AND LAUGHS) - (TEDDY AND CARL LAUGH) TEDDY: Nice shot.
You take my fucking nose, motherfucker.
You pretty boy? Go get those goddamn bolt cutters.
- CARL: Cannibal.
- We're taking a nose with us.
- Huh? - (DEL GRUNTING) - BOY: Get the fuck off of Wayne! - Oh, Jesus Christ.
Let's go, bitch.
What the fuck you got? - Come on, motherfucker.
- Let's go! (ALL GRUNTING) Jesus.
You okay? Come on, we gotta go.
(ENGINE STARTS) Delilah! Suck on this, you fucking scumbag! That's what you get for fucking with GELLER: I think, if I were him, fugitive state of mind, (CELL PHONE BEEPS) - I'm probably tired and hungry.
- (GASPS) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If this is about soup, Jay, we've got real problems.
No, I found the videos that the Luccetti boys have been posting from their trip.
Look at their last post.
(GRUNTING ON VIDEO) Good God, what are those men DEL: Stop, Daddy! - Is that Wayne? - JAY: Yeah.
Christ on crutches.
Shit! You were right.
Maybe lil' Robin Hood does need our help.
Oh DEL: Next on Wayne You got more gross color skin than regular color skin.
We gotta go to the hospital.
- I don't take drugs.
- Just take it.
- Why are you looking at me like that? - I'm just happy.
Your dad's in hospital.
- What's the status of his injuries? - MAN: He's dying.
We need to stay alert, okay? MAN: He's here! He's in the hospital! Are those all dead? Are you guys dead? - Can you buy us booze? - I got a fake ID.
Can we just hurry the fuck up, please? Do not get her pregnant.

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