Wayne (2019) s01e08 Episode Script


Peanut Butter won't eat.
Who? The fucking gator you sold me.
Won't eat.
Why'd you name it Peanut Butter? 'Cause I fed him peanut butter once and he didn't eat it.
So I named him Peanut Butter.
The fuck you just say? Peanut Butter is a girl.
How the fuck you know that? On account of the lack of penis and the presence of a clitoris that Peanut Butter had when I sold you Peanut Butter.
Well, now I want to return Peanut Butter for two goddamn reasons.
- You got your receipt? - You didn't give me no fucking receipt, man.
I didn't give you no receipt because I don't take no returns.
- Well, make him into boots then! - Her.
I'm not [SIGHS.]
Make her into boots then.
Not a service I offer.
And besides, Peanut Butter is a little small to be making into boots, don't you think? That's 'cause Peanut Butter won't fucking eat.
Look, man.
Bottom line, I don't take animals back.
Comprende? Now, I gotta go make those two horses fuck.
So if could we be done here, that'd be great.
- Motherfucker! - No! [SCREAMS.]
Goddamn motherfucker! You suck, bitch.
Choke on a fucking dick.
TRISH: Baby! Baby, go get [LAUGHS.]
Yeah! Missed you.
Beat that man's ass.
Just a little farther, you're gonna be [GROANING.]
Come here, let me see.
Roll over.
Jesus! Shit! You got more gross color skin than regular color skin.
We gotta go to the hospital.
I don't go to hospitals.
My Uncle Rick didn't go to hospitals either.
Got a splinter at work one time, thought he could put Neosporin on it, go right back to being an asshole.
And then he gets an infection and, well, you know what he got for it.
What? What did he get? Dead.
He got fucking dead.
Wayne, we gotta go to the hospital.
- We can't.
There's people lookin' for us.
- Fuck! Um Hey, you guys got any ice? Yeah, I actually have something much [LAUGHTER.]
Something much better.
I don't take drugs.
Oh, sure you do.
My dad got a bunch of really good shit after his botched post-divorce vasectomy.
Open up.
Come on.
I never thought I'd say this to a guy before, but put it in your mouth.
Guys, maybe we can, like, wrap it in cheese or some shit.
Oh, come on, just take it.
- JENNY: Take it! - Take it, Wayne.
Just swallow the pill.
WAYNE: Okay, okay, okay.
- Good boy! - [GROANS.]
Jenny! Jesus.
Let's go, come on.
JENNY: You are gonna thank me for those later.
By the way, if you wanna, like, hook up or anything, that is totally fine 'cause I won't hear anything, because I'll have these giant earmuffs on my ears.
Also known as Jenny's thighs.
We're good, thanks.
I think we're good.
TRISH: Come on, baby.
Good morning.
Why are you lookin' at me like that? Like what? Like you wanna roll me up in a fuckin' rug.
I'm just happy.
To see you.
Why are you in a tub? You're in a tub, you know.
Why are you in a tub? I couldn't sleep with Jenny and Trish goin' at it all night.
I swear I think heard Jenny say she lost her tooth in the middle of it.
What? You're pretty.
Wait a sec.
You're high as shit.
Oh, you took another pill, Mister I Don't Take Drugs.
Oh You're high as fuck.
- Jenny's fucking dad is here! - What? TRISH: Everybody be totally fucking silent WAYNE: Your dad, he's outside? [SHUSHING.]
I should introduce myself.
Wayne, do fucking not.
I have to be a gentleman.
Just a sec, Dad.
Shh! I'm putting in a tampon.
Don't What? Sir, I'm Wayne.
It's an honor.
Well, hey, young man.
Well, you must be Jenny's boy.
You're a boy.
Thank you for letting me stay here in your really nice home.
Although, if I'm being honest, I went upstairs in the nighttime, and ate a bunch of your sandwich meats and for that I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no.
Think nothing of it.
I wanna thank you for taking my daughter to the dance.
I mean, you're welcome here anytime.
Oh, no, sir.
Your daughter and the lesbian girlfriend friend, they went to the dance together 'cause they're lesbians.
I went with my friend, Del.
We're not lesbians.
It was an honor, sir.
Did you just out me to my fucking dad? [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Huh? The fuck she just say? The, uh, whore-y one with the mustache and the hat? She said the white old bald fuck will always have her heart.
I'll bet she's bangin' that guy with the boat.
The fuckin' rack on her though, right? [BOBBY WHISTLES.]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
These fucking knob-jobs.
Let me guess.
The two of you, you jumped into your Smart Car, right? And then you drove down here as fast as you could, just to tell me that you didn't find my daughter again, right? Nissan Leaf, sir.
What? That's a car? It's a fuckin' fairy car.
For fuckin' fairies.
If 151 miles per battery charge makes me a fairy, then fit me for a pair of wings.
Now, in following up on last night's events when you were savaged by the school children Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know what, slow your fucking roll, ginger.
Okay? Nobody beat me up.
There was like 50 of those little fucking shits running all over the place.
Like, little people but not that type of little.
Still very powerful in large numbers.
You know, I blame you for this.
This is your fucking fault.
Yours, motherfucker.
Daddy, you were right.
The hat lady is bangin' the guy in the boat.
BOBBY: Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up.
You know what? You go down into the hallway and you find that fuckin' nurse lady with the goddamn sideburns, and find me some fuckin' morphine, and you get it now.
The both of you.
Get the fuck out of that wheelchair! - I'm going.
Jeez! - Mr.
Listen to me, you fucking British dipshit.
You British? If you had done your job, I wouldn't be tracking my kidnapped daughter all over the goddamn country, and sitting in a fuckin' hospital bed! Now pipe down, all right? If you wanna find your daughter, sharing information is only gonna work to our advantage, yeah? [PEOPLE CHATTERING.]
All right Okay, yeah.
All right.
Come here.
Tell you what, you can start your job by following through and checking out how many visitors you're allowed to have in this fuckin' hospital 'cause I'm pretty sure that it's not fuckin' 12! Damn, he went the other way with that one.
Let me know if you think of anything helpful, Mr.
Yeah, why don't you go fuck yourself? Somebody in this fucking white shitbox get me some fucking drugs! Or a fucking drink.
Not the most pleasant man in the world, huh? I've seen worse.
Well, I gotta get in there and update these reporters in a few.
What's the status of his injuries? Couple of broken bones, collapsed lung.
Not clinging to life or anything.
At least he's from out of town and I don't have to put up with any visitors.
Lotta times, the only people who visit assholes are other assholes.
So, has anybody come to see him since he's been here? Not that I've seen.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, I'm about to make a star out of this chicken and stars soup.
You know what I mean? I don't.
Your father.
What you've told me, you two didn't exactly have the most smooth sailing relationship, hmm.
My pops? You could definitely say that.
If he wasn't beatin' on me, he was beatin' on my sisters.
Son of a bitch was mean all the way to his grave.
So, no love lost there? I love him.
He was a pain in the ass, but I still miss him every fucking day.
He's still my pops.
Hey, Sarge.
You got a moment? Yeah, that's right.
Come on, this licorice is huge.
It'll last forever.
I don't think it's got good-for-you stuff in it.
Like vitamins and all that.
Like orange juice and pretzels.
Pretzels don't got vitamins.
I'm pretty sure they do.
Pretzel vitamins.
No big licorice.
I gotta piss wicked.
You pick.
But I expect you to have big pretzel vitamin muscles when I come back.
I'll take this and the rest in gas.
Police are trying to understand why a group of teenagers from a local high school transformed into a violent, angry mob, leaving one Boston man clinging to life.
We don't have all the details as to what role the victim, one Bobby Luccetti, played in the incident, but we are looking for thoughts and prayers because, well, it could go either way.
There are unconfirmed reports of two other victims who were also I'll also take this licorice.
Oh, my God.
It smelled like everything died in there.
- What's this? - Licorice.
I know, but why? You wanted it.
Oh, you are a gentleman.
We goin'? [ENGINE STARTS.]
Is that all two bucks gets ya? What? Your dad's in the hospital.
How do you know? I saw him on the news, in the store.
It must be real bad, I guess.
They're askin' people to pray and stuff.
Fuck 'em.
Got my change I got to say goodbye to my dad.
I'm just thinkin', it might be good.
You know, for you.
You know, I'm not saying that he's, well, you know.
He might be Throw my nickels in Just in case I have to leave And I will go if you ask me to I will stay if you dare And if I go I'm goin shameless I'll let my hunger take me there [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
We should be careful.
You nervous? Nah.
I'm good.
Thanks for comin' in and supportin' me or whatever.
What, you mean like comin' in the hospital? I can't do that.
Well, why the hell not? Well, people die in there.
I know.
JAY: The traction on these hospital socks is unreal.
Jay, we need to stay alert, okay? I'm starting to feel like this plan is a big ol' waste of time.
Yeah, I don't know.
We've been one step behind at every turn.
Maybe it's time we let him come to us, huh? That's counting on a lot of things.
These kids gotta watch the news, and even then, Del's gotta care about her father enough to stick her neck out for his crazy ass.
You said it yourself.
Never underestimate how complicated that father-child bond can be, okay? I feel like I could walk up a wall in these bad boys.
Physics will prove you wrong.
Fuck! Shit, my bad.
Just Feeling a little upset over here.
Let me get you something.
Cookies, chips Anything you want.
Ah, you know what, too late.
You got cookies.
There you go.
Uh Thanks.
Hey, man.
Hang out.
You ever get a girl pregnant? No? Well, I fucking did.
Nineteen and my life's fucking over.
fucking P.
You know how young that is? Nineteen? Fucking young, bro.
I mean, I'm a kid still.
You ever been bungee jumping? Huh? Me neither.
What about water-skiing? You ever been water-skiing? Fuck, that sounds fun, doesn't it? - What about sushi? You ever tried sushi? - No.
No? What about a water buffalo? You ever seen one of them? Oh, God.
I'm fuckin' dyin' over here.
He's dyin'! You need to get yourself together.
I will restrain you.
I ain't kiddin'.
Why won't you give me something - for the fuckin' pain? - Oh, God.
Hey, you're supposed to be helping me out.
I need some fuckin' morphine.
I can't give painkillers to an alcoholic.
What did you just call me? I did not call you anything.
Who the hell did? Whoever the hell filled out your intake forms.
Why the fuck did you say I was an alcoholic? We didn't.
I just said that you enjoy eight drinks a day.
- You said what? - We can't lie.
These are official government papers.
We could get sequestered.
- BOBBY: Jesus fucking Christ! - That's it.
- That's tapioca! - BOBBY: That's it.
- I'm stabbing your fucking eyeballs out.
- I don't wanna get stabbed.
Fuckin' idiot! [WOMEN GASPING.]
BOBBY: You stupid cock-fucks! I'll burn down this fuckin' hospital.
I'll fuck every nurse, including the fuckin' male ones! I swear to God, you two are not my fucking kids.
I don't know who your fucking mother fucked, but it wasn't fuckin' me! [SIGHS.]
BOBBY: Hey, these two motherfuckers, they're GELLER: Hey, put a cork in it.
I'm dyin' over here! Will somebody please get me a goddamn fuckin' drink? Fuck! It's tres leches.
It means "three milks.
" These little butter cookie bitches are addictive.
You ever do cocaine? I did cocaine once.
God, I love cocaine.
How old are you again? - [MUFFLED.]
- Fuck me.
Man, that's what I'm talking about.
Jumpin' on the back of that thing.
Leaving the bullshit behind.
Living like an outlaw.
That guy's got it made.
You never know.
My dad didn't stick around.
I turned out all right.
Maybe better.
You never know, right? My mom left when I was five.
My dad stayed.
He didn't have to.
But he did.
Wasn't always the best dad.
But he stayed.
How many girls you had sex with? Huh? I think I'm up to nine.
No, wait.
Tanya Boyd.
Ten? We gotta to go to the packy.
Well, hello there.
Who's this jagoff? That's Bradley.
He's having a baby.
Sucks for him.
Yeah, it does.
We gotta go get booze.
Fuck yeah, we do.
- What about your dad? Is he in there? - Yes.
- And? - He's not dead.
So, why are we getting booze? We should go now.
I'm gonna get some Jager.
Oh, we should get cocaine, maybe? Why is he here? He bought me cookies.
Can he buy us booze? Yeah, I got a fake ID.
Says I'm a foot taller and 40 pounds fatter, but Can we just hurry the fuck up, please? Do not get her pregnant.
BRADLEY: The hell are you making? Is that milk? Half and half.
It's a Cape Cod Cooley.
My dad invented it.
Sometimes during the summer, if we had a little extra money, my dad would get to rent a trailer from his friend, Big Fuck.
Was Big Fuck big? Very.
They'd park it down at the trailer park down by the beach for a couple of days.
Swim and all that.
I really think it was just a bunch of ingredients Big Fuck had lying around the trailer but my dad would let me make these for him.
I thought it was cool because I was nine or ten and it was booze, but he just probably let me make 'em 'cause he was lazy.
Del, wait.
Del? Oh, God, that's rude.
- Del, I'm coming with you.
- No.
I don't want you to now.
- Del.
- No.
I don't want you to catch a cold or some shit.
I don't like hospitals 'cause of my dad.
Because they told me he was gonna die in a hospital, and he only got sicker in a hospital, and they told me he was never gonna get better there and nothing ever worked when they tried to make him better.
So, it just makes me remember all the I just don't like 'em.
But I went for him.
And now I'm gonna go for you.
So, can I come in or whatever? Don't expect a goddamn medal.
Come here.
Fucking sick.
Are those all dead? I don't know.
Let me ask.
Excuse me, are you guys dead? Yup.
They're fuckin' dead.
Come on.
There's the son of a bitch right fucking there, no fucking doubt.
OFFICER 2: Dude! Cut the shit.
You can't be punching dead bodies.
This guy killed my partner.
I don't give two goddamn Wait, does this guy not have a mustache? Shit.
You fucking idiot.
My bad, man.
I think it's okay to go.
Not yet.
My dad was different before my ma died.
Well, we We all were, I guess.
But I don't know, he wasn't always such a dick.
Or Maybe he was and my ma made him less.
Or Or better or whatever.
But If he goes, I got no one.
But you do now, though.
But for one crowded hour You were the only one in the room And I sailed around all those bumps in the night To your beacon in the gloom I thought I had found my golden September In the middle of that purple June But one crowded hour Would lead to my wreck and ruin Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine From the bowl with a silver spoon Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune In as far as their bleeding eyes see It's a pleasure pen, meant for them Built for and rent for them Not for the likes of me Not for the likes of you and me And for one crowded hour Would lead to my wreck and ruin JAY: There's a thousand things down there we could've picked.
GELLER: Not the sandwich.
I'm just saying, it's a lot of bread.
Nobody told you to order the fucking ciabatta.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna return it.
Well, make sure you please, please don't embarrass me in front of that fine-ass cafeteria lady.
I'm gonna exchange this for a potato.
JAY: Make sure you tell my girlfriend Beyonce in the cafeteria I'm looking forward to lunch tomorrow, too, Sarge.
Delilah? Hey, Daddy.
Brought you a Cape Cod Cooley.
Hey, you You comin' home? You dyin'? The cops said you was dyin'.
Cops lie.
You You, motherfucker! What are you doing in my goddamn room? - Bye, Daddy.
Teddy, Carl! Nurse, help! GELLER: Wayne McCullough! BOBBY: He's here, he's in the hospital! Steady.
I just want to talk.
Bad shoe choice.
WAYNE: Whoa! NURSE: No running! Pardon me.
- Shit.
- Wayne.
It's okay.
Hi, Delilah.
Take a beat now.
I'm here as a friend.
Yeah? My name is Sergeant Stephen Geller.
I'm from Brockton.
Just like you.
Born there, raised there.
Eat Town Spa Pizza.
Just like you.
Do you like Town Spa Pizza? Cape Cod Cafe is better.
By a fuckin' mile.
A lot of people would agree with that.
Now, look, Wayne, Del I'm here Not as a police officer Are you a police officer? Not officially, right now.
I'm a bit off the clock on this.
So we don't have to listen to you, officially, right now? [SIGHS.]
Look, I've done a lot of thinking about what I was going to say to you, and now I don't know what I'm going to say to you.
I want to give you something that you've never been given.
And that's a chance to get out.
All right? Before you get caught up in the current of a life you never wanted to begin with.
But, I need you to trust me.
Trust you? Cops lied and said my dad was dyin'.
Yeah, okay, that's why I'm trying to help.
Once other police officers get involved, once you get down to Florida, and God knows whatever's waiting for you down there.
GELLER: Whoa, whoa.
Look, Wayne.
Wayne, I know the kind of man your father was.
You don't have to be like your father.
Wayne! Run.
God damn, what happened? They just left.
Move! Police! Get out of the way! What the fuck is your problem? [ENGINE STARTS.]
Freeze! Stop! Don't shoot me, bro! I got a little boy on the way.
I'm gonna be a dad.
Fuck! I'm gonna be a dad.
They're gone, Sarge.
What do you think about your boy now? No more chances.
Fuck! God damn it! Motherfuck! [STRAINING.]
DEL: Next on Wayne [LAUGHS.]
What the fuck! Better clean that shit off my car, bitch.
- MAN: Where's the motherfuckin' kid? - What did the kid do? That little shit charged a round of drinks and a cash advance in my fucking name! [ALL WHOOPING.]
Who the fuck you think you is? You were looking out for me.
It's nice to have someone else be the grownup for once in my life.
Do you want me to keep yelling at you? Go find Wayne.
Yell at him instead.
The fuck is going on out here? You look just like your father.

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