We Are Men s01e01 Episode Script


There are defining moments in life that change everything.
Excuse me, guys! Coming through! Not now! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sara, do you take Carter to be your husband? Do you promise to Don't marry him! I love you, Sara.
I will always love you.
Oh, I missed you.
Thank God you came.
This was my defining moment.
Losing love is like coming to terms with death.
You have to go through the five stages of grief.
Hey, everybody.
The bride-to-be just got a little case of cold feet.
She'll be back.
Let's party! Come on! - Denial.
- Hey, where you going? We're gonna do cake in a bit.
Next comes bargaining.
One, no more video games; two, we'll go to your sister's art show; and three, I'll never accidentally do that thing in bed that we both know isn't an accident.
Okay, call me.
Then depression.
It is so good to have a man around the house again.
Who ate my hard-boiled egg? - Hmm? - Nobody ate it.
- Just - Well, I - Well, it's not there.
- It is behind - It's not there.
- No, it is behind the chicken.
I had to find someplace else to stay.
The brochure says it's "quality, furnished short-term housing.
" I'd say it's more like a way station for guys who just got divorced, dumped, or are otherwise incapable of buying their own couch.
Like Frank Russo, a successful clothing manufacturer.
After 16 years of marriage, he and his wife had grown apart.
I hate you! Are you insane?! But then Frank found true happiness with Lauren.
Then Stacy.
Then Jessica.
After his fourth divorce, Frank vowed the next time he found "true happiness," he was just going to sleep with it for a few weeks.
Gil Bartis, small business owner.
He and his wife were having trouble in the bedroom.
We have 20 minutes.
Not now.
I'm bloated.
I had pizza for lunch.
That's okay, we can do it from the side.
I'll do all the work.
Oh, I don't want you to touch me.
Gil, I'm home! Oh, my God! His wife caught him having the world's worst affair.
He moved here temporarily until he could convince his wife to take him back.
That was a year and a half ago.
Yeah, she has nothing to do with the story.
I just thought she deserved a moment.
Well, she gave me chlamydia once.
See if she wants half of that back! Dr.
Stuart Weber.
Stuart fell madly in love with a young divorce attorney who, it turns out, was very good at her job.
Next time, he fell for a more spiritual woman, who, on their honeymoon in Paris, developed a taste for the material world and a distaste for her new husband.
Six months later, she hired the most ruthless lawyer in town.
But Stuart was smarter this time.
He's living here, hiding his assets until a settlement is reached.
Unfortunately, not all of his assets.
Truth is, after being here for a few weeks, I was feeling a little less lonely.
It was nice being around guys who knew what I was going through and could be sensitive to that.
She's a whore! Time to move on, son.
Where do you stand on Asian women? You guys don't get it.
It's not that easy for me.
Sara was the only girl I've ever been with.
One? - That's your total? - I'm offended by it.
I love it.
I'm not the low guy anymore.
We met freshman orientation week on a Welcome to College hayride.
What was I supposed to do? A junior year abroad? Semester at sea? Internship at American Apparel? These are just ideas.
This is a blessing.
You are a free man now.
You can finally live.
We are taking you under our wing.
- We did the same thing for Gil.
- I was here before you.
But you didn't use your time well.
Carter, look around you.
You're living in paradise.
We got a killer gym.
We got indoor parking.
We got complimentary Sunday brunch.
And we are four exits from Hollywood.
"Actresses" come through here all the time.
Enter Frank stage left.
And Stuart stage right.
Yeah, just to be clear, different actresses, different stages.
All very kosher.
Then I stupidly went on her Facebook page, and there were all these pictures of her - with that guy.
- Why? Why would you do that? So you could feel bad about yourself? You go on your wife's Facebook page all the time.
And I feel bad about myself.
I just have too much time on my hands.
I mean, I don't even have a job anymore.
I was working for her dad.
He fired you? This is a family of animals! It would've been awkward anyway.
Besides, marketing industrial paint is even more boring than it sounds.
So, wait, what are you gonna do? I have no idea.
- Come on, dig deep.
- Well, I I guess I've always really wanted to coach basketball.
There you go.
We used to break into my grade school gym and play all the time.
The other guys, they wanted to be Jordan, I wanted to be Pat Riley.
I even had a little suit.
So what made you hang up the tiny three-piece? Sara.
She didn't even let me watch basketball.
You want to coach? That's easy.
I know the athletic director over at Emerson High.
They won city four years in a row.
Y you'd put in a call for me? Yeah, I delivered all three of his chubby, ugly girls.
He's like family.
Okay, enough chitchat.
It's time to get young Carter here back on the horse.
Help you forget all about Susan.
- Sara.
- You're not even trying.
Come on.
I don't know, uh she's pretty cute, I guess.
Hey, don't look at her! Are you kidding? Okay.
No, no.
You're right.
Crawl before you walk.
What am I supposed to do? Just walk over there and talk to her? That's It's a numbers game.
You hit on ten women, get slapped nine times, but one'll say yes.
Dare to be great.
- Get there! - Go.
There you go.
Adds danger.
There he goes.
Here he comes.
Wow, he didn't even break stride.
The next night, the lions were back at the watering hole.
Frank's words, not mine.
How does he get a girl like that to even give him the time of day? Charm.
And that's his daughter.
- Hey.
Hey, Abby.
- Hey.
Hey, guys.
I'm sorry, I'm so bad with names.
No, they're easy to forget.
That's Gil Stuart and that's the new guy, Carter.
His bride just dumped him at the altar.
Do you have to lead with that? It's really your defining characteristic right now.
That's terrible.
I'm so sorry.
You hear that? You're getting sympathy.
We're going to be able to - work with that.
- Yeah, totally.
Women love a fixer-upper.
So, Abby, what brings you here? Well, I went to the Lakers game with some friends from work.
Let me guess.
Classic fourth-quarter meltdown.
11 unanswered points.
They've got no bench.
And a bad coach.
But hey, at least you can pay 20 bucks for a cucumber roll, right? Uh, anyway, I should probably get back to my friends.
It was really nice to meet you, and, yeah, I'll see you guys later.
Bye, Abby.
This this is what I've been missing.
I was with Sara for so long going to farmer's markets and dinner parties I lost touch with my guy friends.
Who's got the ketchup? Did you eat all the ketchup? We never went out Saturday night because we always woke up early Sunday morning to buy organic produce.
Now who the hell knows what I'm putting in my stomach? Food of the gods, baby.
Just keep it off the upholstery.
I'm taking off my shirt! Pass it back here.
I got to mop up this shake.
Come on, this is a lease, ladies and gentlemen.
We are not letting this night end.
Who wants to break into a Catholic school? Yeah! I am a giant terrorizing the village! - He's unstoppable.
- Okay, switch it up.
Come on.
Pick and roll, Gil.
Pick and roll.
I already told you, I don't know what that means.
All right, new guy, you and me.
Whoa! No fair! I'm wearing loafers! No, no, no, no, no.
Carter, you're a genius.
We should play children's basketball every night! Oh, nun! Nun! Let's boogie! Is she chasing us?! - Is she chasing us?! - No, Gil! - Don't use my name! - Why are we running?! Because it's awesome! I'm just gonna say it.
I love you guys.
I know you think I'm drunk, and I am, but I do.
I love you guys.
Can I say that? No, I'm not comfortable with that.
Oh, loosen up, Stu.
We're men, and we love each other.
Band of Brothers! - Celebrate it.
- We're men, and we love each other! Yeah! After a modest donation to the Sisters of St.
Joseph and a good night's sleep I felt like I was finally ready to put myself out there.
Ah, Carter.
Hey, there you are.
What an unusual shirt.
This is my new friend May Hi and her daughter Jill.
- Hi.
- She's a sure thing.
Dare to be great.
Come on.
Let's, uh let's let these two get to know each other, shall we? Hi.
I need to borrow Carter for a minute.
We'll be right back.
Frank's insane.
You're not going home with Mrs.
You are going home with Amber, this is Carter.
Carter, Amber.
Stuart told me your fiancée died.
You poor thing.
Let me buy you a drink.
Rock climbing accident.
You're welcome.
The next morning, I was hungover and feeling like things were going a little too fast.
- How'd it go with Amber? - Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
You didn't go home with May? Oh, my God.
I slept with her daughter for nothing.
I didn't go home with anyone, all right? We had, uh, a few drinks.
I don't know, the whole time, I'm thinking, "What am I doing with this girl I have I have nothing in common with?" I miss Sara.
We've already got a Gil.
We don't need another Gil.
Look, this is hard for me, okay? I lost everything.
Sara and I, you know, we just bought a house.
We were gonna have kids.
You know, I had a life, and now, I'm living in temporary housing in Tarzana.
You know what I think? I think you're scared.
You have had one girlfriend, one job you hate, never lived on your own.
I wouldn't be so quick to call that a life.
Oh, it's life, all right.
Sara's life.
Look, I I don't want to talk about this, all right? We're our situations are different.
Hang on.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
I've just got to try and figure this whole thing out.
I don't want to end up here, you know, five years from now, desperate and sad.
So we're desperate and sad? - That's not what I meant.
- What did you meant? Okay, do you really want to do this? Come on, Stuart.
You're so angry at your ex-wives, you can't move on.
And, Gil You don't have to go down the line.
Okay, then I won't say that you're obviously holding on to something that is not there anymore.
- Thank you.
- And, Frank - Hit me! - Do you honestly think that you're gonna have a meaningful relationship with some random 25-year-old that you meet at a Jamba Juice? Is she Asian? Let's get out of here.
We've obviously been wasting our I'll save you the trouble.
You are no longer under our wing.
Wow, you're even good at the ten-foot baskets.
Yeah, I played all four years at UC San Diego.
It was D2, but you know.
I, uh, I got cut from my intramural team and replaced by a really good Norwegian girl from the dental school.
- Yeah? - Really good.
Uh, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, I shouldn't have said all that stuff and No, look, don't worry about it.
You were actually absolutely right about those two, you know? Here.
Oh, my God, are you okay? That was my bad.
I don't know why I called for it.
- Yeah.
- Uh, you really want to get back with Sara, right? I know that look.
I do, yeah, even after everything.
When I screwed up my marriage which I regret every waking minute I thought the best thing to do would be to sort of give my wife a lot of space, you know? Wait for her to forgive me, and see Were you gonna tell me my nose is bleeding? I wanted to hear what you had to say.
The thing is, man, I waited too long.
Now I can only see her when I pick up my daughter.
If you love Sara, don't just sit around doing nothing.
Some guy made some big grand gesture guess what? - It's your turn.
- Yeah.
- Go out there and get her.
- I will.
Thank you.
Want me to get you an ice pack or something? Oh, no, I'm just gonna go jump in the pool.
I wasn't gonna let that other defining moment define me.
Where the hell is he? Carter, what are you doing here? Fighting for my woman.
Carter You and me, jackass, right now! We broke up two weeks ago.
Oh, thank God.
I didn't want to say anything, but I bonked my elbow on the way in here.
I have been dying to call you, but I was so ashamed.
I I'm sorry.
I I panicked.
And you probably hate me, and I don't blame you, but being away from you has made me realize that I never want to be away from you again.
I knew I wasn't like those other guys, who at that moment, were back at the apartments.
Gil was on a date with a lovely young lady.
Dad, you know, Fiona's mom would totally go out with you.
I'm not interested.
Honey, any day now, your mother and I are, um You know what? Why not? I'll ask her to lunch.
She's super nice and has really big boobs.
Or dinner.
Stuart was negotiating the terms of his divorce.
No, no, no, no, I'm not giving her crap! I don't care if we're in court for a thousand years! You tell my first crazy, evil wife to tell my second crazy, evil wife ! Fine, let her have the Dodgers tickets.
But I'm not giving her the parking pass! And Frank was having a rare moment of introspection.
How old are you anyway? 26.
Why? No reason.
My old life was back.
Oh! How are you so good at this? I date young women.
We don't have that much to talk about.
Hey, guys.
This is Sara.
- Oh.
- Hey.
Uh, look, I know we haven't spoken since the other day No need to apologize; you were dead-on about these two.
So, seems like things are going well.
Yeah, actually, the wedding is back on.
Uh, we just came back to get my stuff, so That's great, man, you know? Mention me in the vows, don't mention me in the vows.
Totally up to you, obviously.
You should mention me in the vows.
The country club had a cancellation.
We're getting married next Saturday.
Maybe this time, you'll make it all the way through the ceremony.
They worked it out, Stu.
Hey, you guys should come.
I'd love that.
Let me check with Mom to see if there's any wiggle room - on the guest list.
- Okay.
So nice to meet you.
I'm gonna go finish packing up the car, okay? - Okay.
- I love you.
Love you.
I'm happy for you.
I pictured her fatter.
I've been meaning to call you.
My guy over at Emerson High wants you to come in for that basketball interview next week.
You're kidding me.
They need a new JV coach, and it sounds like it's yours to lose.
That's huge! Thank you! I'll call him this afternoon.
Better dust off that tiny suit.
What about Sara? Is she gonna be okay with that? Yeah, we had a long talk, and things are gonna be different from now on.
Anyway, I should get going.
We're meeting another couple over at the farmer's market.
It's a give-and-take.
Don't want to be late for that.
The white nectarines go fast.
You joke, but they do.
Well, here we are, back where we started.
renting a tuxedo twice is still cheaper than buying one.
Although, this can't happen again.
Hey, Carter should be getting married right about now.
Are you buying Sara didn't invite us because there wasn't enough room at the church? It's possible.
The Episcopalians run a tight ship.
Hey, guys, listen to this.
I just got off the phone with my buddy.
Oh, God! There's a reason that thing comes with a belt! Carter blew off his coaching interview.
- What?! - He said he already had a job, with his father-in-law, selling paint.
You know what this means.
He's under her wing again.
And her wing is more of a thumb.
Let's make a pact.
We promise we won't let any of us get into another crappy marriage.
And yes, Gil, we know, yours isn't crappy, it's wonderful.
Well, look, we have our issues.
Just speaking the truth before it's too late.
Band of Brothers.
Band of Brothers.
Sara, do you take Carter to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad? Don't do it! How many ex-boyfriends do you have? Not her.
We're here for him.
Everyone's staring at us.
- I know.
Say something.
- Yeah, well, I told you, we should've written stuff down.
Yeah, well, I thought we'd just wing it.
Frank Russo.
Carter, what's going on? I don't know.
Hey, guys? We're kind of in the middle of something here.
Yeah, um, our timing really could have been better, but, uh a are you sure this is what you want? We know you skipped out on your coaching interview.
Who cares? Stop it! - They're ruining our wedding! - I guess they're just, you know, making sure I'm doing the right thing.
Do you have concerns? No! No, I don't have concerns.
- I have concerns.
- Carter, I wish someone had done this for me on the day of my first, second and fourth weddings.
Not the third.
She was a shot of life.
And for what it's worth, I was noticing, there's actually plenty of room in here.
Oh, my God! - Kick them out already! - I will.
I I will.
It's just they might have a point.
What?! I mean I don't want to be a paint salesman my whole life.
I want to coach basketball.
This again? Are you kidding me? Somehow I always let you talk me out of it.
We're getting married, and I I need to know that you love me for me, and not some guy you want me to be.
It is like you have been brainwashed by these idiots that you've only known for two months.
These "idiots" seem to get me more than you do.
Just so you know, the acoustics are very good in here.
You are being ridiculous.
Do you really want to throw your life away? No.
I don't.
In case you're keeping track, that look on my face is acceptance.
Why are we running?! Because it's awesome! Red bathing suit, two o'clock.
Big guy with the hairy back? All right, more like, uh, two-thirty, quarter to three.
No, too young.
Even I have scruples.
She already shot you down? She was civil about it.
Look, I know I haven't said it, but, um thanks for you know.
Band of Brothers, baby.
Hey, guys.
Carter, right? Yeah.
You remembered.
Let me just get some clothes on, and we'll go eat.
- Bye.
- See ya.

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