We Are Men s01e02 Episode Script

We Are Dognappers

1 FRANK: I like this pace, boys.
Everyone staying hydrated? Anyone need a hit off my hose? Not when you phrase it like that.
(laughter) CARTER: It was the weekend, and me and my new friends were in a great mood.
Gil was excited to take his daughter Maisie - on her very first campout.
- Hey.
I'll pick her up on Saturday afternoon.
Just make sure she's got warm clothes, sleeping bag-- and do we still have that first aid kit? Gil, you're going camping in Malibu-- - she'll be fine.
- It's for me.
These new hiking boots are giving me a blister.
CARTER: After a year of trying to destroy him, Stuart's ex, Amy, was finally willing to settle their divorce.
I could kiss you, Vic! I won't, but I could.
No, I will.
Mm! (laughs) There's just one last thing.
Amy wants to keep the dog.
Peaches? No.
I love that dog.
We agreed that when this was all over that she would come live with me.
- Now Amy's saying that the dog has helped her get through this painful period, so But she's mine.
I rescued her six years ago.
It's the longest relationship I've ever had with a female.
We could fight this, but if you give her Peaches it will all be over.
(sighs) All right.
Enough is enough; Let's just end this.
(laughs) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Vic, I'm the client-- I make that call.
CARTER: Frank was fired up, because our complex was throwing one of his favorite parties of the year: Tiki Night.
I thank you for your noble sacrifice.
And you better be shirtless in a grass skirt later.
Health code be damned, yeah? As for me, well I was psyched to get to know Frank's daughter a little better.
Hey, Abby.
Hey, Carter.
I believe the sign says "Residents Only," but, uh I'll be cool.
Well, my dad gave me a key.
My building doesn't have a laundry.
- Or a pool.
- Wow.
- Where do you keep your quarters? - (Laughs): See? I knew I forgot something.
Please, let me treat you to a load.
Or maybe there's a less icky way of saying that.
Maybe there is.
CARTER: How did he even know I was there? Do you think he was following me? I wouldn't put it past him.
Once I sent Abby a funny video, and although I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure he hacked my e-mail.
Frank's an insanely protective father.
Oh, God, it's the world's most annoying pregnant woman.
Hi, Meredith.
How's my favorite patient? - What's with the cane? - Ah, not a cane.
It's a hiking stick.
Well, you look like Mr.
I may have gone a little overboard with the camping equipment.
I just really want Maisie to have a good time.
I've got a badminton set, feet warmers, stuff to make s'mores.
What kind of tent did you get? Oh, crap, a tent.
(chuckles) That's all right, you can use my Burning Man tent.
Boy, if that tent could talk.
CARTER: What would it say, you were too old to go to Burning Man? Oh! New guy draws blood! STUART: Okay, nothing to worry about.
Relax, take a warm bath No, no, no.
You're not bothering at all.
Call anytime.
Stop calling me! Peaches.
(Stuart whistles, kisses) Come here, girl.
Is that you? Oh, Peaches.
- Hey, you know Peaches? - Yeah, I'm Stuart.
I'm her dad.
Oh, the infamous ex.
I'm Katherine, the dog walker.
Why isn't Amy walking her? What, is she out of town? No.
I walk her every day.
Every day? Sometimes twice.
Twice a day? A-Amy doesn't even have a job.
I have to say, she isn't much of a dog person.
STUART: Well, is Amy at least cooking for her? Because Peaches needs to be on a special diet.
How are her poops? Well, I know Bruno over there likes them.
Amy doesn't care about Peaches.
She just wants her because she knows it'll hurt me! Hey, if we could keep things upbeat and not so angry around the dogs, that would be great.
I love you, girl! Not you, Katherine.
But you seem nice.
Thank you.
At first I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side But then I spent so many nights Just thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong I learned how to get along Oh, no, not I I will survive As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive FRANK: Hey, Hey.
She's not here.
Who? Who's not here? Come with me.
Frank, uh, what are we doing down here? (chuckles): You know, I just love that Gil's taking his daughter camping.
Hold that, will you? Course, as a father, you know, you'd do anything for your little girl.
That's sharp.
Yeah, it's the paternal instinct.
Wow, these just keep getting bigger.
Ah, here's my tent! Now, hand me back that machete.
This is crazy.
We're all adults.
I'm just gonna talk to him, tell him I'm asking Abby out.
Why would you do that? You're barely in the group as it is.
Wait, what do you mean I'm barely in the group? Hey, here they are! FRANK: Hey, look who decided to join us! Clearly, the tiki gods want us together.
Gil, I thought you were camping.
Yeah, Maisie canceled.
She got a last-minute invite to a slumber party.
Sorry, Gil.
Brittany Sanford, the most popular girl in the third grade.
I hear her basement is insane.
Well, nothing an alcohol-filled coconut can't cure, huh? Use a straw, buddy.
It's easy to dribble.
No, thanks.
Stewie-Stu! Nah, me, neither.
I can't stop thinking about poor Peaches, being alone all day in that house.
I I don't know what to do.
Let me guess, you got a problem, too.
Actually, Frank, I do.
To be perfectly honest I'm suffering from general malaise.
I'm gonna go watch the game.
No, no, no, no.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Tiki Night is magical.
Remember what happened to me last year? Neither do I.
(laughs) It was awesome! So let's make this year just as awesome and un-rememberable, all right? I'm gonna take these one at a time.
I can't help you-- parenting is complicated.
I can't help you-- your thing sounds vague and fishy.
- You I can help.
- How? We are gonna break into your ex's house and take back your beloved dog.
That's a ridiculous plan.
Ridiculous or inspired? Ridiculous.
Or inspired? I can do this all day, Stuart.
I do love Peaches.
And we love you.
So let's knock this out and come back here and enjoy Tiki Night the way it was meant to be enjoyed, okay? Come on! Let's go! I can't believe you had the nerve to show your face again this year.
It's starting to come back.
(chuckles) - Okay, come on, a little higher.
- Use your legs.
Use your legs.
Okay, come on, guys.
There's got to be an easier way to break into your house.
Oh, this isn't my house.
My house is next door.
Hey, Jacob, it's go time.
(Jacob grunts) Come on, Jacob, you can do it, let's go.
I don't fit anymore! It's all in your head! Just remain positive, breathe and push.
That's got it.
All right.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
All right, Jacob, great job.
Here's ten bucks.
Keep your money-- I made 12 grand caddying last summer.
(clears throat) Wait, how much? Is that after taxes? - Taxes? - Guys, focus.
We got to get in and out.
(kissing) Peaches? Come here, girl.
GIL: Damn, Stu, nice digs.
(chuckles): Paging Dr.
Your rage makes total sense now.
STUART: Yeah, well, when I met her, she lived in a yurt.
It was on Don Henley's ranch, - but still - Oh, boy, I have to go to the bathroom.
- Now? - Yeah, my stomach's not built for crime.
STUART: All right, well, make it quick.
Oh, it'll be quick.
(high-pitched): Peaches? Where are you? He's with the dog walker.
- They're usually back by 6:00.
- Wha Now you tell me? Crap, that's in 20 minutes.
All right, Jacob, will you keep a lookout, give a shout - if Amy shows up? - Yeah.
Until 9:00.
Then I got a babysitting gig.
Three grand since Labor Day.
Why am I coaching high school basketball? Hello.
Come to Papa.
No, no, no, no, no.
We can't touch anything.
She has to think that Peaches ran away, or I'm screwed.
Come on, a 2007 Gaja Barbaresco pairs nicely with a heist.
How does it go with salami? No.
No cold cuts and no wine-- she can't know that we were here.
Oh, I think she's gonna know we were here.
- Gil! - FRANK: Look at this.
You got to wonder what this baby goes for, right? STUART: Do not open that.
No footprint, people! (whispers): Hey, you know what? I made up my mind; I'm gonna talk to Frank about Abby.
- I don't care if he freaks out.
- Carter, don't.
You're just gonna screw up the group dynamic.
And if that happens-- no offense-- Gil and I are picking Frank.
Have you guys talked about this? 'Cause it sounds like you've talked about this.
Is that the garage door? I wish I was with Maisie right now.
We'd be sitting by the campfire, roasting marshmallows.
Oh, man.
This site has the Ch√ɬĘteauneuf-du-Pape going for $700.
I feel like she's starting to pull away, like like maybe she doesn't need her daddy anymore.
And this one says $1,100.
That can't be right.
Can it? How you doing, Gil? Someone's in the garage! STUART: It's me, Jacob! My bad.
(singsongy): Look what I found.
Stuart's wedding video.
Amy, my one true love, I promise to encourage you, to inspire you, to laugh with you, to comfort you in times of sorrow CARTER: Wow.
He really loved her.
I've never seen this side of Stuart.
Look how happy he is.
You may now kiss the bride.
(crowd cheering) There we go.
GIL: Whoa.
CARTER: The traditional first ass grab.
Give me that.
There we go.
Uh, uh (chuckles) Let me get that for you.
(cheering) Oh, boy.
CARTER: Really getting in there.
Are there children at this wedding? (moaning over TV) GIL: Oh, God.
Is that the honeymoon? Full frontal.
And the wrong frontal.
- Turn it off, turn it off.
- I'm trying! Come on, guys! You've got to be kidding me.
AMY (moans): Oh, you're a bad boy! Oi! Huh.
Look at us.
God, we had chemistry.
AMY: Shut up! No, look at me.
Two sexual athletes at the top of their game.
Hey, those are your bench press noises.
I am no longer your spotting partner.
You guys are very uncomfortable with the human body.
I think we need to steam together more.
Oh, God, crazy pregnant lady, line one.
(turns off TV) Hi, Meredith.
How's it going? Perfectly normal.
Nothing to worry about.
I am at the hospital anyway, so why don't you swing by just to be on the safe side.
Oh, my God, the baby's arm is poking out! Okay, uh I got to go.
Grab Peaches.
I will meet you at home! Don't touch anything! Okay! Who would like some $600 to $1,200 wine? (others chuckle) GIL: Oh, dog walker's here! Uh, quick, hide.
Oh, my God.
FRANK: Carter, let's go! All right, Peaches.
See you in the morning.
(door closes) All right.
Let's just get that dog and go home before Amy gets back.
Hello, Peaches.
We're gonna take you to see your daddy now.
(barking) FRANK: Oh, geez! Come on! Go! Holy crap.
Dog walker's here! I'm thinking about smacking that kid.
What the hell was that? Peaches seemed so nice - on the hike.
- Maybe we just.
Let's try again.
This time, everybody get down on her level.
I think that's for bears.
No, it's dogs.
(barking) It's bears! Yeah, yeah, it's bears.
It's bears.
It's bears.
I know what's going on here.
I've seen it all my life.
- Peaches is a racist.
- What? Dogs can't be racist.
They're color-blind.
Says the white guy.
Hey, Maisie.
Oh, honey, what's wrong? Don't cry.
Of course, o-of course I can come get you.
I'm on my way.
- Everything okay? - Everything's fantastic.
She's miserable and she needs her daddy.
- Take that, Brittany Sanford.
- Okay.
I'm gonna bust out of here.
I just need to get past this furry bigot.
Hey, you got this.
Hey, for Maisie.
For Maisie.
(Gil shouting) Oh, he's running.
He's almost to the door.
He's gonna make it! Uh, no, he's not.
Aw she's got him by the leg.
Oh, and she's taking off his pants.
Should we help him? No, let's see how it plays out.
GIL: Sit! I lost him.
There! Hey, I made it! - You the man! - Oh, yeah! Amy's home! Oh, crap! We got to go, got to go, got to go.
Okay, Peaches.
Good girl.
- Make yourself big.
- I think that's mountain lions.
Okay, fine, regular size.
(Frank gasping) Oh.
Good girl.
- FRANK: What do you know? - Gil was right.
Who likes a little scratchy-scratch from a white guy? Just slap the leash on and let's go.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Back door.
FRANK: Amy, Amy, front door.
- Gil's pants! - The wine.
No footprint! Let's go.
Come on! Amy's home.
That will be all, Jacob! Is she following us? I don't see her.
All right! Hey, we did it! We pulled off an actual heist! I'm really glad you joined our gang.
I thought so.
I've been getting some mixed messages from Stuart.
Oh, come on! You're the Kid.
I'm glad to hear you say that, Frank.
Because, as you know, I've been getting to know Abby - No.
- No what? - No, you cannot date my daughter.
- Why not? - I'm a good guy.
- Yeah, you're a great guy.
But you just got out of a ten-year relationship, with the only woman you've ever been with.
The thing you need right now is to get out there and go nuts.
I mean, really tear it up.
And when you're done with all that, then then we can talk about you dating my daughter.
How long will that take? Well, I'm on year 20, but for you, we can revisit in three to five.
This is crazy.
I'd never We're done here.
Peaches, mush.
(gasps) Peaches! Oh, my God.
Thank you! How did you pull it off? The tiki gods were on our side.
(chuckles) (kissing) Hey, Carter! You're still here.
How much laundry do you have? Well, I lost the keys to my apartment and my dad has the spare.
I'd wait in his place, but I lost his keys.
Remind me never to hire you as a babysitter.
Because you'd lose my kid.
Not that I have one.
Though I did do some damage in my day.
(chuckles) No, I didn't.
Your dad should be along shortly.
Well, he better be.
I'm already on my second coconut.
(chuckles) Well, I should go.
I am gonna make Peaches a turkey burger.
You want one? No.
No, thanks.
(Chuckles) I got a date with some ribs.
(loud pounding on door) AMY: Open up, Stuart! I know you're in there.
It's Amy.
What the hell is she doing here? Take Peaches in the bathroom.
Keep her quiet.
- Keep her quiet.
- Go, go.
Come on.
(exhales) Where's my dog? - I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Jacob told me everything.
That two-timing little bastard! What? You broke into my house.
My lawyer is gonna just turn you upside down and shake you till all your money comes out! Money.
That's all you care about.
That is not true! Well, you certainly don't care about Peaches.
Oh, I love Peaches.
She keeps me from being lonely! Lonely? Isn't the parade of men running through your bedroom keeping you from being lonely? Yeah, Jacob tells me things, too! Grab my ass! (both moaning) CARTER: Unlike last year, we were going to remember everything about this Tiki Night.
(moaning continues) For the second time in an hour, Frank was forced to listen to Stuart having sex.
Something he'd never forget.
While Gil and Maisie were having a father-daughter moment that they'd never forget.
Don't you just love being out in nature? Breathing the night air, sleeping under the stars.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, too, Peapod.
And I'll never forget the moment I realized the tiki gods were finally on my side.
Hey, you're back.
Yeah, I thought I'd wait with you.
Now let's see what those coconuts are all about.
Start with mine.
Uh, just That's strong.
Cheers? (Laughs) I'm sorry, Vic, I'm sorry.
She's got this sick power over me.
Wait, wait.
What? What? She can't do that! We had sex! That's weird, Frank.
I don't know why I didn't get your text.
I heard things no man should hear.
GIL: We all did.
I had to tell Maisie it was a coyote eating a cat.
You are not gonna believe this! (sighs) Amy's so mad about the break-in, she's calling off the settlement.
She's gonna drag this out and make me pay temporary spousal support for years.
I'm a doctor.
How is this woman with a certificate in aromatherapy outsmarting me? Sorry, Stu.
Tough one, man.
- Yeah.
- Eh, it's not all bad.
I managed to get one concession out of her.
Good girl.
There she is.
I'll pick her up for dinner Wednesday.
Don't forget to pack her leash.
(barking) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, Peaches! Bad girl! Bad! - Sorry.
- Sorry.

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