Web Therapy (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

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That was the longest shower in the history of time.
What do you do in there? I can't find my briefcase.
What are these--what are these paintings doing here? Oh, I had to put them here 'cause this is now my office for my-- - But they were in the bathroom.
- And now they're here.
They were in the bathroom and now they're here.
They look nice against the wall, so see? They were a gift from my law partners.
- Well, then - Wait.
This is the award I got from the bar association.
Oh, is that what that is? I like that sculpture-- It was in my office.
Yes, I removed it from your office and brought it here.
It looks good.
See, look how good that looks.
Are you doing therapy now? Not right now, I'm not doing therapy with no one.
- I'm not insane.
- But there's my briefcase.
- And my computer.
- Yes.
That's where I put-- No, don't touch it.
- No, I have it all set up.
- For what? So that you could see-- I'm gonna demonstrate what I'm doing.
I think you should know what your wife is up to now.
Okay, what do we do? What are we gonna talk about? Kip, you have to look into-- that's what it's set up for.
We don't look at each other like-- I'm not having anyone at the house, all right? - That's the beauty of this.
- Yes, I know.
You don't pay for an office rental anymore.
I know, you had six patients, what was the point? You're not due in court or anything, so let's just have a little mini-session.
I want to include you in my life.
I think that's a nice thing.
- Yeah, okay, good.
- All right, good.
- Three minutes, here we go.
- Three minutes.
And you can pretend to be someone else, or just be yourself.
Whichever is more comfortable for you.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How are you? And you have to look at you-- I won't be sitting with you, obviously, that's why See, it's over the Internet? But I'm in the room with you.
Pretend that you're not, and pretend that you could only see me-- access me through--yeah.
I get it.
I'm not an idiot.
Let's go.
You do a good impression of one.
I'm sorry, that was unkind.
- I'll bring that up in therapy.
- It was funny.
- Okay, good.
- Yes.
All right, make up a name.
Mm, well, call me Bill.
My name is Bill, and Oh, Bill, that's so ordinary.
Well, uh Okay, William.
- William.
- Hi.
Okay, Kip, you're William.
- Okay, I'm William.
- Okay, hello, William.
- I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
- Hello.
So why is it that you have chosen to see me at this juncture? I haven't chosen to see you, - but obviously we're mak-- - Please pretend.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I really have no idea.
But I'm William, and I have--my wife is a controlling kind of person.
- Good pretending, okay.
- Yep.
Um, oh, controlling in what way? Well, just, you know, she's very pushy.
She-she--she likes to-- she likes to get what she wants.
She made me buy this house.
Right now, you see, you like to play the blame game.
She's--she's just a very needy woman.
She's needy sexually, she's needy financially, - she's-- - She's needy sexually? In what way? That she'd like to try it out? You know, I don't really wanna talk about this.
Yeah, let's not talk about that.
I don't think that'll get us anywhere.
First of all, why open that can of worms? I agree.
All right, so let's think why might your wife be a little controlling? Well, it beats me.
Just Maybe she doesn't get much from you.
Well, she-- she gets plenty from me.
She gets a lot of my money, which she spends just frequently and without-- - On what? - Just-- Ways to make herself look prettier for you? Well, that and a lot of-- a lot of I would say waste, really.
Is she included in your life? Do you bring her to your firm's Christmas parties? Well, she sometimes has a habit of - embarrassing her husband.
- Oh! - Sometimes at these parties.
- How would he know if he doesn't pay any attention to her or what she's doing? He-he-he sees her, you know, as she takes off her blouse.
Well, maybe she spilled wine on her blouse.
- Yeah, well-- - All right? Mm-hmm, maybe she did.
Maybe she was trying to fend off one of the partners.
Maybe Janowitz was making overtures that were inappropriate, because her husband wasn't in evidence, and she was vulnerable.
She was drunk, and she did spill the wine all over her, and all over several other people, and--but you know, that's not the worst thing.
I mean, that-- Oh, there's worse than having a cocktail? Let me hear this horror that you're married to.
She tends to--she tends to be a bit flighty.
She left a financial firm, a very good job, in a kind of suspicious circumstances.
We're not quite sure what really went on.
- Whether she was fired-- - We're not quite sure? Or you don't listen to her, so you're not quite sure? It's never really been totally explained.
How long have you been married, William? Um, I think it's been - 17 years.
- 17 years? - Yep.
- Oh, that's a long time.
And how long have you beendissatisfied? How long ago was the trip to Aruba? That was That was two years after we-- - 15 years ago.
- Yeah, so since then.
So you've been unhappy for 15 years-- You know, unhappy's--yes.
Okay, let's just-- It's fine.
- Go ahead.
- We're all calm, and fine.
You've been unhappy for - And a half.
- 15 and a half years.
- Mm-hmm.
- Of your marriage, you've been unhappy.
And then yet, you haven't done anything about it.
Because I'm a very supportive husband, and I think that if I-- if I-- Could I just have some regrets about the commitments - that I've made-- - Can I tell you something - about what I think? - What's that? That either you're not as unhappy as you think, or you're a terrific coward and weakling, and don't know how to take care of yourself at all.
Otherwise, you would've left.
No, I'm happy.
That's what it sounds like.
All right, very good.
Our time is up.
- Great.
- Do you see? Do you see how long that took? - Yeah, long-- - Isn't that wonderful? It feels like an hour.
Okay, I'm gonna go and have a good day.
Okay, bye.
Thank you for doing this, Kip.
Really I apprecia-- And if you wanna tell any of your partners or junior partners at the fir-- Oh, let me turn you off.
All right, now you can take your laptop and your briefcase.
And don't forget to tell everyone in your firm, the partners and junior partners, what a wonderful modality this is for ther-- - We'll see you later.
- All right, thank you.
Will you be home for dinner? Oh, bye.
Oh, wait, that was our honeymoon.
- Well, it is you.
- It is me.
- It's you.
- Hello, Richard.
- Hello, Fiona.
- It's so nice to see you again.
It's good to see you.
Actually, I can't see you.
I wanted you to see me without my glasses, but I-- - There you are, wow.
- Oh.
I didn't--this is my first time with therapy, so I just-- I didn't know what to wear.
Well, you don't need to dress for therapy.
- Yes, that's true, you don't.
- Okay.
Oh, it's been a very long time.
How did you hear about me? Or that I was doing this? Well, you know, over at Lachman Brothers, they were talking about you by the cooler over there-- Oh, which guys? The guys what? Well, Bob and, you know, Steven, and - Jeremy? - Jeremy was there.
- Yeah, good.
- Russell wasn't there.
- He's, uh - His opinion never counted.
- No, it didn't.
- As far as I'm concerned.
It didn't as far as I'm concerned, too.
Anyway, I'm kind of nervous because I've not done therapy.
And I have some things I wanna kinda talk about.
But I don't wanna do it for a whole hour, or I don't know if I'm gonna like this.
Oh, you'll like this, because it's only three minutes.
And what I've discovered, is I've done the 50-minute sessions with people, but they end up going on and on about dreams, and feelings, and memories, and past experiences that add up to a whole lot of nothing, - as far as I'm concerned.
- Okay.
And what I've found is that the bulk of the help was really done in three minutes.
Well, then I won't bring up any of those kinds of things.
Well, unless they're important.
How will I know? I will guide you.
- Oh.
- That's what I'm here for.
- I'm your guide.
- Okay, all right, well.
So Richard, I assume it's been difficult for you.
Because getting over a heartbreak can be very tricky.
There's depression, and-- From what you're wearing, it's hard for me to tell if you have gained weight or you've lost weight.
Because there's a lot of material.
But that is par for the course.
I'm sorry, what's your question? I, um Mostly it's an expression of concern.
For your emotional recovery after What your-- what happened.
You're talking about you and me? That--you mean the incident at Lachman Brothers? Yes, of course.
Since, you know, that horrible incident at Lachman Brothers, where you just misunderstood, I guess, the nature of our relationship.
Well Um Okay, it seemed to me like it was kind of a mutual flirtation.
You made it pretty clear-- you know, you literally told me that you wanted me to kiss you.
I guess "Please lock the door behind you" could be interpreted in a myriad of ways.
But you know.
Truly, I'm still married.
And you know, couldn't possibly have meant anything.
Well, no.
You beckoned me.
You told me to come into your office.
- You closed-- - Beckoned you? "Come hither to my lips?" No, I don't think I said that.
You told me that I had very kissable lips, and you asked me to come into your office, and you asked me to shut the door.
It was confusing to me.
Oh, it's funny how we remember things.
I hope that that's not why you left Lachman Brothers.
Gina at the front desk said that you referred to my attempt to kiss you as a-- You called it "a sex crime.
" And I felt that that was kind of harsh.
Well, I never liked Gina.
Hopefully, you don't have much to do with her anymore.
Because that's particularly unkind of her.
Has this resolved anything for you? Seeing me again? Resolved anything? I assume that's why you made the appointment.
You're still trying to mend the shattered pieces - of your romantic self-- - Huh.
After I let you down.
Well, I wasn't really thinking that, no.
But So you're here to discuss? Yes.
I-I-I-I contacted you - to discuss a friend.
- Yes.
Is having some problems.
She's, like, a little-- been edgy, and nervous, and Who is this friend? She's my girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend? Yeah.
And she's been distant, and moody, and - That's too bad.
- Almost not there for me.
- It's like she's dismissive.
- That is hard.
You know what, Richard? I'm sorry, but our time is up.
It's been well over three minutes now.
- What? - So this session is over.
There are really only supposed to be three minutes.
So we can see each other again next week, and we can pick up where we left off.
You're muted now, so I can't hear you.
Because the session has ended.
- Hello, Gina.
- Hi, gorgeous.
How are you? Well, I'm very well.
And how are you? - Great.
- You look good.
I'm glad to see you took my advice and got something more tailored, like a Business lady.
Like you.
Your hair is so pretty.
It's like a wig.
Thank you very much.
That'squite a compliment.
Listen, I just wanted to thank you for putting up the flyers in the break room because I now have a new client from it.
So thank you very much for that.
Oh, are you treating Richard? For his, like, weirdo mommy issues? I-- Well, um Yes, I am.
You know, I think, though, that, um It's probably an issue with-- a confidentiality issue.
So you probably shouldn't technically know that I'm seeing him as a client.
So--'cause I would hate for you to be brought up on charges.
Oh, no.
No, definitely.
Okay, good.
Good! I love you.
Oh, well, you're my "inside man.
" 'Cause we're, like, best friends.
Oh, thank you.
Listen, do you--have you seen Richard's new girlfriend? What is she like? Yes.
She's very "volumptuous.
" - She's what? - "Volumptuous.
" Okay.
Also, you know, I've sent so many emails to Jeremy.
Oh, my God, they were like, "She's resurfacing again! We thought we dodged a bullet.
" Who said that, though? Who was that? Yeah, like, Jeremy and everybody.
- They were laughing.
- And every-- Jeremy and Robert? Or? I don't know.
It's just good, they remember you.
And it was great because they hear your name and they laugh.
At any rate, though.
I need you to schedule in an appointment for me, maybe for Thursday, to come in and talk to him.
During the day? Well, yes, during the day.
During business hours, dear.
Are you sure? - Hello, Richard.
- Hi, Fiona.
It's good to see you.
I'm glad you returned.
Yes, well, I wasn't quite done.
Wow, you look-- you look fantastic, - I have to say.
- Aw, thank you.
That's some medallion there you've got around your neck.
Oh, wellit's jewelry.
Anyway, uh Did you wanna talk about your girlfriend, or? Because I--you have an issue with her? Yeah, she's God, she makes me feel great.
I love her.
- But - But.
I feel like maybe she's not taking her medication.
'Cause she's doing so well.
We're doing really well.
And I feel like she's getting a little edgy, and kind of confrontive, and a little paranoid.
And I don't know if it's okay for me to talk about the-- my thinking that she might not be taking her medication.
One second.
Um, so she's crazy? Oh.
I just sent you a picture.
Yeah, I see that.
- See that? - Oh.
- Wow.
That's you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look at that dress.
- And you.
- Yeah.
- And I have to say that the man in that picture looks much happier than the picture of the man I see before me right now.
Well, thank you.
In all fairness, you have a very-- a very sexy dress on, and I'm a little drunk.
I was a little drunk that night, remember? No, I remember the night.
I remember you were extremely happy.
You were a happy fella.
Well, you kept telling me to drink more and you were trying to-- you said, get me out of my shell so that I would make advances.
It's funny, your interpretation of almost every event involves me encouraging you - to make advances, but-- - Yeah.
I know, it's true.
I think that's true.
'Cause I get mixed signals all the time.
You know, Richard, can I say something? You look really uncomfortable, and I think your shirt looks like it's very tight.
That top button, do you want to unbutton it? - Yeah, I do.
- There, okay.
There you go.
Just to unbutton it, because it was pulling.
Ah, I feel like I can breathe again.
- Wow.
- Good.
So it's not working with the girlfriend.
I mean, the question I have for you is what is it that you feel you are unentitled to? I'm just wondering why you feel like you're not entitled to be with a woman who is intelligent, and sexy, and beautiful.
And instead you feel like you need to be with someone who is insecure.
Well So I'm making her feel flawed, and disabled, and insecure.
And that's it! I'm-- - Well.
- Right? I need to let her know that I want her in my life for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna I'm gonna take her to her favorite restaurant.
It's Morimoto--I'm taking her there on Thursday.
And I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
I'm gonna ask her to be my wife.
This is--thank you, this is very helpful.
I will see you next time.
- I don't-- - Sheila! Get out your party dress.
- Yeah? - Yes, dear, I sent you my proposal for the Lachman Brothers over five minutes ago.
I haven't heard from you.
It couldn't have taken that long to read.
Honey, you're just downstairs.
You know, you could easily come up? - But I'm down here-- - All right.
Looking at my schedule and working.
Yes, I read it.
It's a little convoluted, but I think you make your points.
And I just don't understand why you need $200,000 in the start-up fee.
Because that's how much it is.
I am not web therapy.
I work for web therapy.
And web therapy has to pay me for my services.
I want at least $150,000.
I'm worth it, I think.
But you get paid by your clients.
What are you gonna do, redecorate your office? That's not much.
$25 for a session.
Well, then how do you expect to pay back the money-- This is a new treatment modality.
- It hasn't been done before.
- Please don't, please don't explain it again.
Really, I just can't bear to hear it again.
I just wanna say one thing.
If you're gonna-- if you want investors - to give you actual money - Mm-hmm.
If you want the Lachman Brothers - to invest in this proposal - Mm-hmm.
You should take out the whole insinuation of blackmail.
Because I don't think they're gonna go for that.
- I don't think it's gonna fly.
- Oh, I don't think it's as much blackmail as it is incentive that I'm removing the very real threat that I had imposed before, because I was mistreated there.
Where did this whole sexual harassment idea come from? You never mentioned it.
I never heard anything about it.
- I don't understand.
- I told you about it.
- I must've told you about it.
- No, I don't think you did.
- What act-- - There were closed doors, - and propositions, and-- - Propositions by who? Oh, maybe I didn't tell you about it.
- No, actually you didn't.
- All right.
- That's possible.
- Who was involved in this? And what actually went on? Was there touching? Was there groping? Not without my consent.
Okay, this is so baffling to me.
Well, you should know better than I.
I'm just-- What is that supposed to mean? - You're an attorney! - Yes, I've-- I'm sure you conduct yourself in a certain way - at your office.
- Well, of course I do.
- There's a workplace decorum.
- Of course I do.
I just don't understand how you expect to get money from this.
And if I was a member of Lachman Brothers, I wouldn't invest because, let's face it, the only thing that makes money on the Internet is sex and genealogy.
So I've heard that.
So you've heard.
- All right.
- That's what I've heard.
You don't have any concrete evidence of that.
I don't--you know, I don't use the Internet.
Oh, good, well, then I'll tell them not to call you.
- Well-- - Thank you.
Then no.
You know, listen.
I want the best for you.
I really--I hope this all works out.
- I appreciate that.
- You know, can we just-- What time are you coming to bed? Oh, why? Are we in the mood for a little something? At long last.
Is there any soup in the house? Yes, there's soup in the refrigerator.
I'd kill for a little tomato soup.
All right, I'll bring some up.
Hello, Jerome.
Oh, hi.
Are you there? - You're there.
- I'm here.
But you arepartly there.
You once again don't understand where the camera is in your laptop, or whatever it is you have at work.
Well, I can see it.
Is this better? Hold on.
- There, yes.
- Can you see me now? - Yes, I can.
- Okay, good.
- Yes.
- Um, I'm glad that, um You were able to meet me at this time.
This is the time that we both agreed on.
Now remember, Jerome, now you only have three minutes, it's not the 50-minute sessions.
You know, the whole point is that you can actually achieve something during your sessions.
Which I think was a real struggle for you.
Well, it was.
But I have to say that I was getting the impression the last couple of sessions that I was boring you.
I'm not bored.
I mean, I have enough of an inner-intellectual life to keep interested in anything that even you could be saying.
All right.
Listen, this is good.
It brings me to something I've been wanting to discuss with you.
I was really very hopeful when I switched you from the 50-minute in-person sessions to these truncated three-minute sessions, hoping it would prompt you to get to your issues so that we could do some real work, instead of The self-indulgent sort of blather, you know, that occupies a 50-minute session.
- Right.
- Alas, that hasn't happened.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
So I'm feeling like I don't know if either one of us is getting anything out of this.
I'm glad that you're mentioning this, because I also have made an appointment with a different therapist.
A Dr.
- Oh.
- Who specializes in family psycho-sexual, incest issues, and - Incest? - Yes.
Why on earth would you need to see someone about incest, Jerome? Something has come up between me and my fiancée, Hailey.
- Okay, yes.
- After I found out my father-- you know, the one I told you abandoned us.
He had been making most of his money selling sperm samples.
And as it turns out, her lesbian moms used my father's sperm to have her.
And so it seems that you two are related, I guess.
Well, that's fascinating.
Oh, Jerome, this is very important.
- Thank you.
- At long last, we have what I think is a real issue.
Listen, I need to see you and Hailey, because I do couple's counseling as well.
Well, I sort of thought that maybe this was out of your area of expertise.
And Dr.
Schulman specializes in family psycho-sexual incest issues.
What makes you think I don't - Specialize in incest? - No, I-- Why would you make that assumption? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You do? Okay, I did not know that.
- I-I--you know-- - All right.
Jerome, I have to tell you something.
I think what's happening here, I have to let you know, - is very unethical.
- Oh, no.
We haven't slept together since I found out.
No, your moving this case to another therapist without properly terminating with me.
That's something you and I would be discussing.
- Yes, I'm sorry about that.
- This is an issue of intellectual property, which I own.
You own it? And I think that you're so caught up in your own personal drama regarding this, that you're not thinking about the bigger picture.
Which is, you're not alone in this, Jerome.
- Okay.
- There are many, many people-- especially of your generation and younger-- who have these issues now.
With all of these sperm-doning parents, and single sex parents.
And you know, an egg comes from somewhere, and a sperm comes from somewhere else.
And next thing you know, you've got an entire neighborhood of relatives.
You know, it's like the Ozarks.
Okay, I will bring Hailey next time.
I will bring Hailey with me next time.
- Bring Hailey next time.
- Will you just-- don't mention the bed-wetting to her? Kip, I have incest now.
Well, that's sex and genealogy, right? It's kind of funny to rehash the past.
You look good.
- Well, what's done is-- This is my stress ball.
I collect rubber bands.