Web Therapy (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Desperate Measures

Previously on Web Therapy I want you to understand this new treatment modality that I've come up with, kip.
- Okay, let's do it.
- All right? You left a financial firm.
A very good job.
Mm-hmm.
In kind of suspicious circumstances.
We're not quite sure what really went on.
You're talking about you and me.
That--you mean the incident at Lachman brothers? Yes, of course.
You just misunderstood I guess The nature of our relationship.
Well, no.
YouYou beckoned me.
You told me to come into your office Beckoned you? Come hitherTo my lips? Um, you know, I've sent so many emails to Jeremy-- Oh, my God.
They were like, "She's resurfacing again.
We thought we dodged a bullet.
" Uh, if you want the lachman brothers to invest in this proposal-- mm-hmm.
You should take out the whole insinuation of blackmail because I don't think they're gonna go for that.
I don't think it's gonna fly.
Something has come up between me and my fiancee, Haley-- Okay, yes.
And, um, as it turns out, her lesbian moms used my father's sperm to have her.
What makes you think I don't specialize in incest? I have to keep pinging her until she comes up, that's why.
I don't know when she comes up.
- Hello.
- Oh, there she is.
- Oh.
- Hi, Jerome.
- Hello, I'm Dr.
Wallace.
- Hi.
Hi, Dr.
Wallace.
- You're - Haley.
- Haley.
- Yeah.
Yes, I have it written down.
She was able to meet me during lunch.
That'sWonderful.
I just, uh-- sorry if it's a bit pushy, but, um, I just wanted to say I'm really happy to be here.
I've had extensive therapy in the past, and-- oh.
So it's not my first time at the rodeo.
But I did wanna say, um, just to fill you in.
We, uh, we met about, uh, six months ago.
He bought this bakelite Buddha I was selling on ebay.
And he left me just lovely, lovely feedback with a beautiful Eckhart tolle quote.
And it's hard to find a modern man who's sensitive, and loving, and interested in his own path.
But then, after a couple of months of really nice, nice, times and moments, he started to-- I'm going to break in, just for a moment.
He started to display his incredible fear of intimacy in so many different ways.
I think I'd like to just-- he didn't wanna be touched for a week.
- He said his skin was sensitive, that he had a rash.
- Well, to your perfume.
- Am I muted? - Is it really to my perfume? - Is it to my perfume? - Yeah, it's your perfume.
- Am I muted? - Or is it to my love? If I may, I'd like to interject at this point.
Just to remark on something extraordinary.
Which is, to anyone who has eyes or a brain stem that's connected, you two are clearly related.
Thank you.
I told you.
Did you really tell her about that? You understand how ridic-- of course! Of course I did.
- We are not related.
- Yes, we are.
We're not related.
Don't you see? The sperm donor numbers match.
Don't you see? This is you trying to stay away from-- - I'm not trying to.
- You're pushing me away.
Haley, is this something you would like to remain a secret? It's not a secret.
It's not true.
Clearly, you're still passionate about each other.
- What is this? - Paul? Paul, hi, yeah, no, I'm just having lunch and then I'm gonna go right back to work.
- Who are you? - This is my friend, um, Haley.
- Hi, oh, hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
We'll be done really soon.
Okay.
Good to meet you.
What is that? "Good to meet you.
" All flirty.
What is that? What is you calling me "your friend"? All right, well, let's stick with the issue.
I'm your lover, I wear your ring.
We're friends now-- there's been no sex, there's been no romance since the unfortunate discovery.
Right, but we're on a bridge.
Well, let's not get bogged down in these kinds of Issues Feelings, and that sort of thing.
Did you receive the release that I emailed to you? OhYes.
Because I need to record the sessions.
We got a fax--you faxed it to me and I have it here.
So I need you to sign off and get your okay.
I've been in a lot of therapy, a lot of different kinds of therapy.
I've never been recorded, but-- what is that for? Oh, something very exciting has happened that I would love to share with you.
An investor is interested in franchising this modality of therapy.
- Well, I'm not-- - And I need to record them.
Um, Dr.
Wallace-- you know, this relationship that you two have, with the half-siblings, with the sperm donors, and all of that-- you know, it's something that is really, um, attention grabbing.
And you two are such a wonderful, uh, test case, in that this issue is so, um-- it's fascinating.
And it's sexy.
The two of you are, you know, attractiveHaley.
- And, um-- - Thank you.
You know, this just--it-- this could really help out a lot.
Both of us.
All three of us, I feel.
It sounds a little bit like you want us to advertise for you.
No, no, this is not for advertising purposes.
This is for more of a-- sort of a sales tool.
Okay, well, before we do anything like this, or sign any documents, I was wondering whether you might be willing to let us go back to a 50-minute hour.
Especially since Haley and I will be doing the therapies together.
No.
- Absolutely not.
- Oh.
That defeats the entire purpose of this.
It's three-minute sessions.
Which is why it works.
I mean, nothing you've said in your 50-minute sessions has ever even been slightly interesting.
Until this.
- Wow.
- You know.
It's like having a gun to your head.
You're forced to get to the issue.
And that's why it works.
Okay, well, if I were paranoid, I would think that you were maybe using us to promote your business.
Are you paranoid, Jerome? What? No.
No, I don't think so.
Well, two sessions ago, you thought you might be paranoid.
And now, in a minute and a half, you're not.
That's a pretty fast cure, I think.
You're right.
- You're right.
- Oh, my God.
You're both crazy.
Someone needs to see this.
It's fine, go ahead.
I'm happy to sign the release.
Fantastic.
Because this This is unbelievable.
Don't judge, okay? Until you've seen what she can do.
Let's not judge anybody.
I'm agreeing, I'm agreeing.
I'm signing.
- Is it signed? - Yeah, they're both signed.
I'll fax it to the number that you emailed me.
Okay.
- Very good.
All right, it was lovely to meet you, Haley.
Nice to meet you, doctor.
I will see you both next week.
What perfume are you wearing? My eyes are starting to water.
It's patchouli, I wear it every day.
Well, patchouli-- I'm allergic to patchouli.
So thank you.
- You're allergic to love.
Okay, well, I think here's a good picture that we could use.
Kamal, how long exactly do you have for your lunch break? Uh, I have about a half-hour before I have to get back to Mr.
Wallace's office.
Okay, that should be-- oh, here's a good one that I could use, I think.
I'll get your opinion.
- Uh, Fiona? - What, yes? Could you grab my cord? Oh, yes, I can grab your cord.
Thanks, just pull that up a little bit.
Okay.
This is an old cord, so it might be a bad connection.
Oh, my gosh.
Whew! Takes a lot of effort down there.
And then do what with it? All right, so we're just gonna put this in the port.
Just kinda ease it in there.
- Ease it in.
- Yeah.
- Into the port.
- There.
My--yes, your cord.
- Boom, we're up.
- Oh, there you are.
Look at that.
All right.
Don't worry about that.
I'll fix that before I leave.
You look very handsome.
- Thanks, you-- - Yes.
You look nice as well.
Well, okay, I think that's about enough of that.
- All right? - Enough of--I'm sorry? Well, I am married.
So I work for your husband, soYeah.
- Yes, right.
- Yeah.
So we'll just keep this between us for now.
And I won't say anything about it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Keep what-- - Oh, "plug it in the hole," and "grab my cord," and "you're very attractive.
" Oh, wow.
I understand how those feelings can come up.
You probably don't have that much exposure to someone like me.
Which I understand.
But in this country, you know, it's not appropriate for me to flirt with every tom, dick, or hari.
Oh, no, I'm from Philadelphia.
I was born here.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- I just--I wanna be clear here.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not attracted to you.
I just-- - Oh, good.
All right.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know, maybe it's-- it's weird.
Because "a," I don't feel anything with you.
I don't know, maybe it's cause you're, like, my mom's age.
Well, I hardly think I'm your mother's age.
Possibly your mother's much younger sister, by a generation, anyway.
Um, okay, do we wanna, um But very smart of you to say, "no, I'm not attracted.
" For the record.
- But I won't tell kip, anyway.
- Okay, good.
- Yes.
- Good.
What do you wanna test? Oh! Well, I have a client, all right? Who is, um Almost engaged, or sexually involved with a woman who is possibly his sister.
So let's see if you can't Be looking into the-- you know, into your computer.
- Okay.
- All right.
And tell me about how in love you are with your sister, andYou know.
Certain of those sexual exploits.
Now what button do I push to record? Have I done that yet? You're just gonna wanna-- here, you just gottaHere Will there be a light? Just take this, andThere you go.
You just wanna hit "return," which is the same as "accept.
" Mm-hmm.
Now there's no light or anything.
So no one would even know that I'm recording.
- No, there just isn't.
- Okay.
Okay, so you want me to pretend that I want to sleep with my sister? Right, that's what this-- that's what it's going to be about, so Uh, okay.
Wow, that's weird.
But I will give it a shot.
Okay, so we're in therapy.
All right, um But, look at-- but we won't be-- I'm not in the same room with my client, obviously.
I don't wanna go anywhere near that.
Yeah, okay.
Yes, you're looking into your computer.
- Okay.
All right.
- As am I.
And this is how we're able to relate to each other.
Okay.
Hey, Dr.
Wallace.
Yes, hello.
Um, I have this problem, and it's-- I wanna sleep with my sister.
Oh, kamal.
How old is your sister? - My sister is three.
- Oh.
Yes.
All right.
You know what? It doesn't-- it doesn't help me as much as I thought.
Stop.
Great news.
Uh, we're actually celebrating.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
I don't know why we're celebrating.
It's all covered with soy sauce.
I can't even eat gluten, so that's great.
What, since when can't you eat gluten? Since the stress of finding out that you're my sister has given me celiac disease.
Well, actually, that's what we're celebrating.
A couple of weeks ago, before our first session, I swabbed your cheek, inside your cheek, in the middle of the night and I sent it to a DNA lab.
And it turns out that we're not related.
Take your hand off my shoulder.
- Do not touch me.
- Why are you-- all right.
Don't panic, everybody.
I cannot believe that you would swab me in the middle of the night without my knowing it.
I understand, I really do understand how you feel.
But I did it for us, Jerome.
I did it so that we could be together.
What--may I ask which DNA lab you used? I--I don't know.
I can't remember.
I don't know.
- You don't know? - I found it on the Internet.
It's only the most important thing in your life, and then you don't know which lab you used.
- It was 100% conclusive.
- But that's very telling.
That we were not related.
Well, was it called acme? Was there a little roadrunner? And a coyote on the label? Do you understand? Because if it was I think you're mocking me.
Then that's not 100% conclusive.
No, I'm not mocking you.
I'm just saying it's all relative.
Yeah.
And we believe what we want to believe.
You know who's a relative? I'll tell you who's relative.
- You and me.
- I am not your relative.
- I don't believe you.
- I'm not your relative.
- Why can't you just love me? - Well, you're fighting like brother and sister right now.
- Well, I-- - Which is interesting.
I think we're splitting hairs here.
It was 100% conclusive.
What about the sperm donor? The numbers matched, I thought.
Oh, that actually-- 'cause I sent that in too.
That was actually wrong.
It was just a printing error.
The last two numbers-- Jerome made a mistake, in other words.
Jerome made a mistake, yeah.
I don't blame him.
I don't blame him.
Because I love you, and I try to understand you.
But--but it's fine now, becauseWe're not related.
So we can proceed.
- Jerome.
- Well We're not related, but-- yes, I've heard that.
Thank you very much.
I'm having trouble.
Yet, in another attempt for you to manufacture an interesting personality for yourself, you have now created all kinds of bigger problems for those around you.
All right? - I did not make that-- you have drawn a young woman into a relationship with you who is perfectly wonderful.
And then the minute you're threatened by any kind of intimacy, well, you're related.
And then that draws me in too, wanting to treat you, and to interest investors into my modality for therapy that they want to franchise.
Not in small part based on the fact that I may have a couple who is siblings.
Who are siblings.
Forgive me.
In my hysterical state, my grammar has flown out the window! I'm beside myself, Jerome.
I really am.
There was a lot riding on this.
I'm sorry.
I I need to think.
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you do it in front of her? Because I knew that you wouldn't be able to accept it.
No, I can't trust you anymore.
That's the problem.
And you should have asked me about getting the DNA test.
- All right, okay.
- This is therapy.
I think where-- you've gotta let me get through this, all right? I'm going to have to fix you two quickly so we can get past this silliness and move on.
So, Jerome, clearly, you are craving a mother's attention that you never received.
All right? Which is why that, every time a woman is the least bit interested, you reject her out of hand.
And Haley, well, clearly you were raised by two lesbians, okay? Neither one of them is a man, no matter how mannish either one of them was.
All right? And so that's why, when you find a man who is so unavailable emotionally, you can't keep yourself away because it's the only thing familiar.
In other words, you two have been essentially created for each other.
So let's go from there, all right? Yeah.
- Wow.
- Okay.
Now, I have fixed you, as far as I'm concerned.
And what I would like in return is for you to spend the next six sessions fulfilling the commitment I made to my investor to deliver a story about half-siblings who have found themselves in love and in a relationship and how they navigate those murky waters, regardless of the results of a DNA test.
- Uh, okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.
All right, I'll see you again next week, then.
And if there's some kind of sexual story, that would be good.
Jeremy, could you please listen to me? No, I need to show it to you, so that you know what it is that you're investing in.
It's taken on huge proportions that I'm very excited about.
And I wanted to-- I have--well, okay.
One of them is the tape of a typical client.
Okay? And let me just say that it's interesting.
Okay? And Look, all right, well, I don't wanna say too much.
But it's Really provocative.
Yes, all right, it has to do with siblings.
No, not rivalry.
The opposite.
Yes, now I have your Your interest.
Okay.
No, no, they're not twins.
Good, let's let me nail down that appointment, though.
How about-- then you must have two hours on maybe Thursday? All right.
Very good.
Okay.
Well, listen, it was lovely talking to--what? Well, uh, you know what? You'll see what I'm wearing when I see you on Thursday.
How's that, then? All right.
Bye-bye.
Pig.
Oh, kip, no.
What are you doing on my computer? I'm printing out a deposition.
It's important.
I need it in the morning.
Sweetie pie, why am-- - I wanted-- why can I see myself right now? Oh, 'cause the camera's on.
It's always on.
You mean, people can see in now? - See me doing this? - No.
No, this isn't being broadcast.
It's just the web cam that's attached to the computer.
- So you-- - Do you know what year it is? Cute.
Um, you know, you're the computer girl.
Do you look at yourself all day long? Well, yes, I'm here all by myself, and I like to keep myself company.
Okay.
I have a strong, healthy self-esteem.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with that.
I heard a little judgment in your tone.
No judgment, darling.
No judgment.
I'm happy that you have yourself to keep yourself company.
Look at that, isn't that nice? Mm-hmm.
Oh, I haven't heard from the lachmans.
There's nothing there.
I don't understand.
I gave such a riveting presentation.
You heard it.
It was outstanding.
- Absolutely.
- And I haven't heard from them.
- No.
- I need that money.
I don't have it at this moment.
All right, yes, I've heard you, kip.
I've heard you explain that to me, that you can't.
My money is tied up.
I've got some other things I'm planning to do.
I can't-- I don't have that cash.
And what kind of things are you planning to do? You know, things that will involve both of us.
We'll talk about it.
But why don't you just call your mother? - My--no.
- The richest woman I know.
Yes, well, I'm not going to call my mother.
Because I don't think that's-- it's right to mix business I'm not going to ask family for money.
Well, what am I? Well, you're my spouse.
You're not family.
Oh, yeah, you have a point.
All right.
Oh, look what tonight is.
It's bubble bath night.
- Oh.
Remember that? - Yeah.
- Well, it was fun.
- Yeah.
You know, I'm a little-- my skin is a little - Dry.
Yeah.
- OilyDry.
Patchy.
- Yes.
It is.
All right.
- Mm-hmm.
I think a quick shower for me, and-- - Yeah, let's skip it.
- I gotta get to bed.
Hi, Fiona.
Hello, Richard.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you.
I haven't slept very much since Thursday.
Mm.
It was weird when you showed up at morimoto's.
Well, it's my husband's favorite restaurant.
It's not like I've never been there before.
So I simply had plans to be there.
I didn't see him there.
Well, I wasn't with him.
I was meeting a friend.
I didn't see a friend.
Well, she didn't show up, as it turns out.
So you just were there.
Yeah, it was It was I mean, I liked it.
But I think that it put Sheila off when you joined us.
Well, my friend didn't show up.
And, you know, the only polite thing to do was to invite me to come over.
And you did.
Or, you know, allowed me to.
And when I invited myself over, you said "yes.
" - Yeah, I-- - Didn't have to say "yes.
" I don't-- I don't know.
I just think that we-- she sounds very passive-aggressive to me.
Well-- in addition to all the myriad of other problems.
Well, you told her that.
And I think that she felt like you were judging her.
Well, now, I said "please don't be passive-aggressive.
" Yeah.
"If you're uncomfortable, or feel threatened by me in any way because of our history.
" Yeah, but then you-- that's very direct.
I know, I'm just-- believe me, I understand.
But I think that, from her point of view, what upset her the most, probably, was when you said, "what do you think, fatty?" Well, nicknames are usually a nice icebreaker.
- So I'm sorry.
- Well In this instant, I think it hurt her feelings.
Well, let me put it this way.
I think it's wonderful that you don't have a requirement that the woman you're with is attractive.
So, you know, that's-- that's really big of you.
That's wonderful.
- In all fairness-- - There's more to you, you know.
So of course she was a little threatened, you know? I don't go to a nice restaurant wearing a track suit, or, you know, what have you.
No, you looked like a million bucks.
Thank you, well I have to ask you something.
I do have to ask you this.
Did you, when we left, did you put your gum in her hair? What a ridiculous-- put my gum in her hair? II Well, I mean, you honestly I told her! Think I took it out of my mouth, like some vulgarian? - No, I don't.
- Threw it in her hair? No, I told her that you would not do that.
You are starting to fall down the rabbit hole yourself, my friend.
And that is from spending a lot of intimate time with a person who is Sadly unbalanced.
- Yeah.
- All right.
You know, I will admit that I was pleasantly surprised that my friend hadn't shown up, so I had the opportunity to join you so I could see how you interact as a couple.
Well, she's usually really fun.
I think that it was weird because you were sitting on my side of the booth.
And--and we were just laughing and I think she felt excluded, I-- well, if she would contribute something to the conversation, I gladly would have engaged her.
Well, she did let us use her berries when you wanted to feed them to me, and-- - They were delicious.
- They were.
And I thought you should try.
She wasn't making any attempt - She doesn't like berries.
- To feed you berries.
She doesn't like berries.
Maybe you do.
Is it all about her? And her needs and what she likes? Oh, Sheila doesn't like oxygen.
Shall we all drop dead? Yeah.
- It's not her fault.
- No.
She has an imbalance, and she needs a great deal of help.
Is this the person you want to spend eternity with? It's something you need to think about.
I've thought about it, actually.
Because I told her that I had to back out.
Back out of the dinner? Relationship? Well, I had proposed to her, and then we got into a big fight afterwards.
And I told her that I, uh I was breaking it off.
And she got mad, and she wasShe Well, she got mad.
That's the first normal response she's given to any-- that's appropriate.
Grant her that.
Then I had to help cut the gum out of her hair.
Mm.
It's just been a confusing time since Sheila left.
I think about you.
All the time.
Um I love you.
I think I love you.
Well, here we are with a classic case of transference.
What is that? Well, that is when the patient transfers phantom feelings onto the therapist.
- Phantom feelings? - They're not actionable.
It would be very irresponsible of me to acknowledge them as actual feelings.
- They are feelings.
- They're not actual feelings.
They are actual-- they're not actionable feelings.
You keep saying that.
I don't know what that means.
It's very common.
It's in every psychology, psychiatry textbook.
I mean, please don't make me look through them.
They're as dull as dishwater.
So I don't-- I can't give you a precise definition of what the word means.
Well, all I know is-- but everybody knows what "transference" means.
I know what I feel, and what I feel for you is love.
I wanna be with you.
I wanna hold you.
I wanna I wanna be with you.
You know, this is all-- this is all fine to talk about.
But I can't do anything about it, so I wanna see you tomorrow.
I wanna see youTomorrow.
Well, tomorrow, I'm having lunch with my friend, who's unreliable, at giacomo's at 12:15.
Parking in the rear.
Giacomo's.
Okay.
Richard, I'm going to sign off now.
I'll see you next time.
In the rear.
Oh, yes, you will.
I see you.
You better be ready, because we are gonna have some fun.
I'm gonna rip that blouse off of you, and I'm going to take you-- you're muted, Richard.
I don't care.
I am going to take you, and I'm going to kiss you - I'm not listening.
- And hold you, and throw you all over the back of my car.
Well, you can try.
What? You're listening to me.
Look at me.
Look at me, you can hear me.
Hello? Hello? I can't hear you, because you're muted.
Well, you're talking to me.
What are you, crazy? all right.
Get over it.
I forgot your name.
Haley.
Yes, thank you.
All right.
What upset her the most probably was when you said, "what do you think, fatty?" I'm sorry.
I honestly don't think it helped when you said, "hey, what do you think over there, fatty?" What am I gonna do? We're gonna do it, you know? You're gonna draw on your training.
- Lisa, just-- - I have no training.