Web Therapy (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Shrink Rap

Previously on Web Therapy To anyone who has eyes, or a brain stem that's connected, you two are clearly related.
Thank you.
Well, I am married.
So I work for your husband, so, yeah.
- Yes, right.
- Yeah.
So we'll just keep this between us for now.
And I won't say anything about it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Did you receive the release that I emailed to you? Oh, yes.
Because I need to record the sessions, and get your okay.
I've been in a lot of therapy, a lot of different kinds of therapy.
I've never been recorded.
Oh, I haven't heard from the Lachman's there's nothing there.
I gave such a riveting presentation, you heard it.
- It was outstanding.
- Absolutely.
And I haven't heard from them.
- I know.
- I need that money.
Why don't you just call your mother? - My--no.
- The richest woman I know.
I wanna see you tomorrow.
I wanna see you tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow I'm having lunch with my friend who's unreliable, at Giacomo's at 12:15.
Parking in the rear.
- Oh, look who's calling.
- Hello, mother.
I hope this means, fingers crossed blessed mother, that you're cancelling.
You can't come for Thanksgiving? And I accept totally, and now if I can just get your sister and her brood to cancel I'll be home free.
- Oh.
- Thank you for calling.
Well, it's always a pleasure to be able to talk with you.
And especially this way-- face to face.
It's wonderfulUm What do you want, Fiona? All right, I just wanted to alert you to a wonderful opportunity.
As you know, I'm a therapist.
But I'm starting a new treatment modality.
That I invented.
Oh, dear.
And it's over the Internet, it's web therapy.
WhatJust exactly what is web therapy? Well, I have a therapy session with a client, like we're talking right now on the web.
- Mm-hm.
- And it's only three minutes.
So it takes no time at all.
You cut through all of theThe You know, you're clearing the brush.
Am I supposed to-- am I supposed to tell my friends that that's what you do, web therapy? Yes, you should tell your friends, I think-- I just can't do that.
I can't do that.
I think they would look at me as if to say, "what on earth is that?" You could explain what it is.
And I'm supposed to look like a proud mother? Well, I won't do that.
Because I am much too honest to pretend to be something I am not.
I enjoy these exchanges.
Just a minute.
Yes, go ahead, darling.
I'm sorry to have to No, I'm sorry, I don't mean to-- show emotion like this.
It's not in my nature.
I know, and it's a little uncomfortable, I have to say.
You remember when you were a little child and you used to try to climb-- well, you were never little, really.
You were always too pudgy.
But you would try to clamber up onto my lap and cuddle, and I know I should have cuddled you, and I blame myself for not cuddling.
Well But it's not really your fault if you weren't appealing.
And you were always eating something, you know, sticky and gooey.
And I just wish that I had those days back.
I would so treasure them.
Oh, well, that's a darling thought.
I just want to sweep away this dysfunctional debris that exists between us.
That's how I feel.
And I think little children are sticky and gooey and unappealing.
But I do think that children, even little children realize when their mothers are rejecting them.
Do you? Well, I never felt that way, it's odd.
That's never how I felt.
I always felt like you were-- you're not perceptive, and you never have been.
You're not perceptive, you're not sensitive.
There was only one time that you pleased me.
Really pleased me, and that's when you graduated from wharton business school.
And I looked at you, and you looked like my own little private Gordon Gekko.
And I was filled with hope and expectation.
And I went to lean into you, to embrace you.
To hold you closely to my mother's breast.
And you pulled away.
Cold, business-like, you looked down at me.
As if you wanted nothing to do with me.
Well, I mean, do you want the explanation for that? Is there an explanation? Is there an explanation that makes sense? Well, there's one that makes sense to me.
And that is that I had received your card, congratulating me on my graduation.
And included in that was an invoice for my tuition that I was to remit to you.
And I was so ashamed that I didn't have the funds to do it, that I didn't know how to respond.
I see.
So that was just a defense mechanism.
'Cause you deserve the money back, I feel like, so Thank you, thank you.
And in the intervening years I've still not received it.
I understand that.
I mean, I wasn't-- I didn't If you invest in web therapy I will set aside the amount that you paid for tuition.
Probably $50,000, let it collect interest.
And pay you back, with interest.
$50,000? Wasn't it about that? What about your undergrad years? Have you given that any thought? Fiona? All right, so we'll add another $44,000 onto that.
I personally do not want to talk about sums of money.
Yes, no, it's bad form.
The family fortune is dwindling, and that's all there is to it.
But this is something that I know is going to be really worthwhile.
And now I have decades to look forward to, and how am I going to live? And you and your sister always with your hands out.
Hands out! You think I'm made of money! But why on earth would you hoard the money right now and keep it until after you're gone, when you could help everyone right now, while you're alive? Especially your children, where it can do the most good.
I mean, I don't mind it when kip hits me up.
But when you or your sister, I mean, kip is an absolute soul of integrity.
And he's such a lovely man.
Yes, and he made a wonderful choice in his spouse.
I'd like to think.
Darling, you manipulating him into marrying you was about the best thing you'll ever do.
And he endorses web therapy, you know.
He's so charming, isn't he? And he's a good dancer.
And he looks wonderful, in fact I was with him just last week.
Last week? Were you? I gave him a hundred A hundred thousand.
- Um - Dollars? He's sweet talking a certain client of his.
Trying to get, you know, some kind of repeal that gay marriage thing here in Massachusetts.
You know how I feel about the gays.
Oh, how wonderful.
I bet, at any rate, he said that was what the money was for.
And maybe he's actually going to put it toward web therapy.
If you're impugning kip's honesty and integrity, that does not sit well with me.
I'm-- well, I'm not-- well, I can't possibly give you any money.
I don't have any money.
Things are getting very, very tight here in Boston.
I'm just confused, if you have enough money to--okay.
Well, the reason I was able to give kip the money that I gave him was because I sold some of my important jewelry.
- You did? - Yes.
Well, which pieces did you sell? Anything that was gonna be handed down? Not one appointment, is this broken? Oh, look at that.
Hi, Fiona.
Hello, Ted.
I'm Fiona Wallice.
Hello, and I'm Ted Mitchell.
And I'm very grateful that you could, uh, squeeze me in here.
Oh, well.
I guess we're, uh, I guess we're 9:30 to 9:33.
That's right, yes.
Very good.
So I better get going, I guess.
I just had a question before we began, Fiona.
Um, I'm just a little curious as to what this is going to be like.
Are we in a Reichian direction? A Reichian direction, perhaps Adlerian? It's not strict freudian.
I'm sitting.
No, uh - Very good.
- Thank you.
Um, well, no.
It is none of those things.
- Uh-huh.
- This is completely different.
I think I should let you know before we begin-- and I'll try to be fast here-- uh, that I have been in a lot of therapy myself.
- And I kind of-- - all to no avail.
Well, it's been to some avail.
But I'm very used to the more traditional 50-minute hour, not the three-minute hour.
Four times a week for years and years and years.
And I'm very interested, frankly, to see how this works.
I've never had anything like it.
That's--well, if you stop talking you might be able to see how it works.
Well, since you seem to have some concerns, uh, just know that I did have conventional 50-minute hours with people and discovered very quickly that all of the discussions of dreams and feelings and thoughts got us absolutely nowhere.
I did have a dream last night.
Um, it's-- but as it turns out, it won't matter.
So what is it that we talk about? Well, we find out what it is that's bothering you.
Or I can let you know what it is that's bothering you.
And you think that I would be able to tell you, and that would be how you would understand? - That's very interesting.
- Well, you're very resistant.
Well, I'm curious.
And judgmental, I'm finding already.
I'm very curious.
Well, your definition of "curious," uh, is curious in itself, I must say.
So, uhAnd where do you come from? Where's your training, if you don't mind my asking you, Fiona? Well, I have a, uh, I went to the university of Pennsylvania.
And then on to the wharton school.
- Of business? - Yes.
- Mm-hm.
- So And your analytic training WasWhere? Um, Ted you're going to have to relinquish your control.
- Because obviously you've-- - mm-hmm, yes.
Been in therapy a lot and it hasn't worked out for you.
Because you seem to need to control everything.
I--I'm not an easy patient.
So I'm very excited and interested in this three minute thing that we're gonna-- it is interesting.
Really, if you could just give me a little bone, here.
A kind of a-- just a tidbit of something.
Well, I'm not feeling the need to-- ah.
Help you understand what I do.
I'd just love to know if you've studied anywhere, if you have a technique, if you have a, perhaps, a philosophy of some kind.
I have a philosophy.
Which is, let's stop the dilly-dallying and get to work.
That is actually I think mostly what my philosophy is.
Just talk.
Sort of like people at a cocktail party.
You know what I think? Now I'm realizing that I don't know if I can help you.
Because it's odd, but, um, I am feeling a distinct discomfort and disliking for you.
- And I don't know-- - really? How to work with someone under those circumstances.
I have to be honest with you.
Well, I'm-- well, if I could stop you there for just a second.
I'm here to do an evaluation, Fiona.
The Lachman brothers were speaking to me last week.
- Your investors.
- Jeremy and Robert? Jeremy and Robert.
We were playing golf.
And as you know they're thinking of investing more heavily in your situation, and I'm a psychoanalyst myself.
You possibly have-- I don't know that you've read any of my books, or of any kind.
Well, first--okay.
You know what? Now I--okay.
I should have known.
When you signed on I didn't realize you were that Ted Michaels.
- Mitchell, Ted Mitchell? - Mitch--Ted, yes, Ted Mitchell.
I've written several books.
- Books, yes.
- And a couple of articles.
- Oh, I know.
- For the last 20 years.
And frankly, uh, three minutes, I'm skeptical.
I'm open, you know? I mean, the Orgone box is not nothing, and-- well, it was a three-minute interview-- two minutes and, I guess, 57 seconds.
Granted, but to be fair, this wasn't really-- this was a three minute interview process.
Not really a three minute session.
Where you could see what I can do with a person and their issues.
Really? Well, shouldn't the therapist be in control of the actual interaction between the client and the therapist? Most therapists allow-- most clients allow the therapist to be in control.
You, however, were acting as therapist.
And I don't want to split hairs, Ted.
I'm not trying to say you were in the wrong.
Even though you weren't upfront.
I should have been more cooperative as a patient? I should have given you what I wanted? I don't know Well, I think you owe me another shot.
At the very least.
Well, I think I've seen enough.
- But, how-- - basically, I mean-- how could you possibly know anything about a human being in only three minutes? And that is going to be the title of my evaluation.
SoThank you.
- Oh, my God, Fiona.
- Hello, Gina.
Oh, my God, I was trying to watch Jersey shore.
And, like, this is the only place where I get reception in the car.
And you're there.
- Yes, here I am.
- So lucky.
Oh, yes.
And for me, too.
Is that your car? - Why aren't you at work? - No, I wish.
This is Jeremy's car.
Oh, all right.
I took him for his weekly waxing electrolysis dealio.
You know, 'cause it takes four hours.
- 'Cause he's so hairy.
- Oh.
He's like Magilla gorilla.
I'm in here for hours.
But, like, isn't it great? I wish this was my car.
It's got, like, these TVs, and, like, this remote.
It's so cool.
Yes, it's a virtual playground.
- Listen-- - and this little tv over here.
It's so cool.
Except it doesn't get YouTube, and I'm tired of looking at the map channel.
- Right.
- I'm over it.
Well, even Disneyland isn't perfect.
Listen, I just wanted to share my good news with you.
Oh, yeah? Jeremy and Robert Lachman are showing real interest in supporting my endeavor, and my new treatment modality.
They've sent someone to have a test session.
To check it out.
His name is Ted Mitchell.
So he's going to be sending a report along.
- In a day or two, I think.
- Ooh.
And I just wanted you to-- you know, I wanted to alert you to it.
Flag it for me, and send it along to me.
That's so sad.
That's so sad that they don't trust you.
- What's sad? - I feel so bad for you.
But it makes sense.
I don't see it that they don't trust me.
To me, the obvious version is that they're seriously considering investing in my business and they're just-- it's due diligence is what it is.
Oh, my God, how far you've fallen.
You were, like, my hero.
Do you not know what due diligence means? And, like, the recession is, like, living inside you.
I see it all over your face.
I--right now, you just see confusion.
And maybe a little frustration and impatience.
But that's all.
Nothing sad happening here.
I just look up to you so much.
It's hard to see you like this.
I love you.
Anyway, thanks for your sympathy.
I guess.
But what I need you to do is send me the report before they can see it because I just wanna check it for some factual errors.
He was a very controlling, impulsive type.
Too late, it came this morning.
And they were laughing at it.
- Howling.
- Howling? - Oh, my drink.
- What does that mean, I wonder? - Because it was ridiculous? - Oh, yes, I'm so thirsty, mmm.
I--did you just throw that out the window? I was done.
Okay, what's up with Richard Pratt? He seemed so happy.
And, like, he broke up with his girlfriend? Oh.
So I was, like, maybe I'm gonna tap that just for fun.
But then you told me he's dating someone else.
Oh, so he's not interested in you.
And his digital frame in his office is all just pictures of you, and the word "Fiona" in Well, I don't know why he would do that.
That is weird.
And I don't know.
I mean, the first thing that pops into my head is the possibility of transference.
- Come on, let's do this! - Yo! I'll meet you in ten minutes! I want a blowjob! Don't threaten me with a good time! What? - Who was that? Was that Jeremy? - That's this guy I know.
I just ran into him in the parking lot.
So it's someone that you know now, but you didn't ten minutes ago.
I've known him for, like, ten minutes.
I'm more concerned though, about the situation with Jeremy and Robert and that report.
Oh, I've had to start having sex with Jeremy.
What? I've had to start having sex with Jeremy 'cause your my mentor and he was gonna fire me.
And I was, like, "what would Fiona do.
" Well, I don't know that Fiona would do that.
All right? And no one is witness to anything like that there.
Well, now, I can take an hour and ten lunch.
Oh, my God, and he's so grateful for it.
I mean, anything.
I mean, have you seen his wife Esther? - Yes, I've-- - what she looks like? - Hello.
- Yes, I understand.
So, I mean, he gives me stuff for it.
It's great.
I've gotten so much stuff.
I've gotten, like, a post-it holder.
A new laminator.
And, like, this beautiful jewelry.
Oh, how lucky.
This gorgeous bracelet with the rams on it.
And they're battling each other.
And, I mean, I'm kind of running out of things to ask him for.
So, like, do you need anything? Hi, Fiona.
Hello, Ted.
It's so good to see you.
And thank you very much for attending today.
Well, the Lachmans and I have had a nice chat, and I have agreed to do a three minute Session.
I won't evaluate until it's over.
Thank you.
I'm not gonna sit here "judging.
" I appreciate that.
They've been very-- Jeremy and Robert have been very, very generous with me.
- Mm-hm.
- So I appreciate this.
Well, you're very, very welcome.
My ears are open.
So are mine.
So now what would be the issue? Well, uh There isn't much.
In my seven years of intensive psychoanalysis myself, I've pretty much hit up against just about everything.
And, uhUh Issues.
I have a friend who has an issue.
Um Why don't we just, you know, we'll pretend it's-- my friend is having the issue.
I have a friend who's had a couple of unsuccessful marriages.
Um, doesn't really date anymore.
Uh, he's kind of zipped up the old zipper.
And, um, he's kind of made do.
He's--I wouldn't say he's miserably unhappy, but I would say he needs some help.
- How about that? - Very good.
Very good.
Very succinct, too.
I have to say, I'm used to talking.
I'm used to this 50-minute thing.
Yes, I know.
All right, well let me jump in-- Reichian, I'm used to-- I even did a minute where I got down to my underpants, but we're not going there.
Oh, no, we won't need to go there.
- Good.
- All right.
Um I'd like to start off with something that, um, I've come up with.
I think is tremendously effective.
- All right? - Really? So what I'm going to do is, - I'm going to say a word.
- Yes? And then I don't want you to think too much about it, nor say too much, except one word that you can relate to the word I am giving you.
Ha! I'm sorry.
Um Is it making you uncomfortable? - A little bit, yeah.
- Okay, well.
What do you call this technique? Well, I call it "word affiliation.
" Ah.
That's different.
Yes, well let's see how it-- it's very effective.
- Uh, okay.
- You don't think.
Just the first thing that pops into your head.
- Okay.
- All right.
Um, shame.
Was that "nee," or "me?" - Me.
- Okay.
- Liquid.
- Babysitter.
I'm sorry.
UmA body part.
Ted? What's happening? Something's happening here.
Something's happening.
When I was I'm in the pantry, and my-- babysitter? My nurse.
My nurse, she's there.
I'm having trouble hearing you.
Because of the sobbing.
Weezie Weezie is there.
And she's asking me if If she can touch my wee-wee.
And, um, and she touched my wee-wee.
And do you know how old you were? - Three.
- Three years old.
That's young.
And I've never told anybody this in my life.
- Ever? - Ever, ever, ever.
And I've been in so much therapy.
And she took the paper clip, and she poked me a little bit, it wasn't that bad.
But it was so scary, I was so scared.
And I can't look at my pee-pee anymore.
- Well-- - but I have to hide my pee-pee.
Okay, well, that's a lot of information, you know.
Arrgghh! Arrggghh! This seems to me to be a large breakthrough.
Wouldn't you say? Maybe.
Yes, I would.
I would, too.
It's not anything I've managed to speak about in about 17 years of intense therapy and analysis and talking and talking and talking.
And that 50-minute enemy has been my enemy.
- Yes, yes, I-- - could you, are you-- I already know.
Could you look away a little bit, Fiona? I don't know, I'm not looking at you.
But could you make sure you're not looking at me.
- Okay.
- If you would, please? Thank you, I hope.
Well, it seems to me that two things are now Ooh Very clear.
- Number one is is that-- - ooh.
This has been very effective.
This three-minute session.
Very, very, very, effective.
- Good, so you can agree.
- Yes.
- Number two.
- Yes, yes.
Is that you will now recommend this to the Lachman brothers.
I will.
I would do anything you say.
Oh, then please recommend it to the Lachman brothers.
I will, weezie.
- Hello, Ted.
- Fiona.
It's good to see you.
I just, um, I'm having a hard time, Fiona.
And I'm experiencing narcissistic self-mortification and I'm not really sure what I can do about it.
Uh, you know, that's that thing that happens when you've lived your life for the whole When you've lived your life, um, and it's a lie.
And you really don't wanna face it, but you know now, and you can't not face it.
- But I can't seem to-- - yes.
'Cause that was a major thing you went through last time, it really was.
In fact, I wasn't even sure when I was thinking about it.
Was that real, or was he talking about a Jefferson's episode with weezie? I wasn't certain.
But, um Weezie was my beloved nurse.
- All right, well.
- She came before I was born.
And she was sent away shortly after she-- right, well, those are details.
I think what's important though, here is that you had this-- I dreamt about weezie last night.
Right, well we know how I feel about dreams.
I do, and I'm not even gonna think about it.
Good for you.
- Well, I think, um-- - but what do I do? - Well, you have to get over it.
- I'm in pain.
It was in the past, it happened.
And now you're an adult who can make decisions for himself.
I can? And you don't have to go into a pantry with a strange woman named weezie if you don't want to.
- It's really as simple as that.
- It's not helping.
You're the adult, so you take charge.
Listen, by the way, I need to say thank you so much for your recommendation to the Lachman brothers.
Because they've released funds and we are starting to actually have some exciting things going on.
- I hope so.
- Thank you very much.
I would just love if we could get a little more concrete about the next session.
Or, uh, the next batch of sessions.
Uh, if you-- let's take out our pens.
And writeIf we could write down some session times I'd feel a lot better I'm feeling a little-- you know, the thing is, Ted, is that I have a lot of people that I need to see now.
Oh, please.
And I'm busier than ever.
And my patients are just sitting there on hold.
I've just shoved them aside.
I can't speak, I'm not sleeping.
- I'm just falling apart.
- Well, I have patients, too.
And I want to be able to deal with my patients.
I've got one guy He's directing a movie in China.
The time difference, he's gotta schedule me days in advance.
A big movie? Is he It's a $90 million co-production with the Chinese government.
Oh, so he's well-known then, I assume.
- Not asking for names.
- He's quite well-known.
And I'm not gonna tell you anything about him.
Except he won last year's academy award for best picture.
And, um, I've got an actor.
He's working on a part.
Unless I can help him find his center, he can't find the center of the part.
And I can't find my center.
So there's no center.
His part doesn't have a center.
He doesn't have a center.
And I don't have a center.
And I need a center.
How many patients do you have? Do they have computers? Wow, Ted Mitchell, you have a very interesting list of clients.
How impressive.
Is that a prime minister? Of what country? Oh.
Well Prime minister is a prime minister.
Okay, research on that one.
I don't want you to think too much about it, nor say too much except one word that you canRelate To the word I'mGiving you.
And this, you've come up with this? Well I am sorry.
She's taking credit for word association.
I'm sorry.