Web Therapy (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Shrinking and Growing

Previously on Web Therapy Camille--uh, Camalle It's Fiona.
I need you to teach me how to record my sessions.
I love you.
Well, you're my-- you're my "inside man.
" 'Cause we're, like, best friends.
Oh, thank you.
Um, I needed to talk to you about terminating treatment and any contact between us at all.
See, I want to demonstrate what I'm doing.
I think you should know what your wife is up to now.
And don't forget to tell everyone in your firm, the partners, and you and your partners what a wonderful modality this is.
What is your work anyway, Bryn? Are you in the financial world or-- she--she's a porn star.
Well, we usually steer clear of cucumber.
That's pretty cliche.
But, uh, definitely fruits and vegetables.
We like to support the local farmers and go organic, of course.
So, you know, tons of, uh-- oh, squash.
We did a really great harvest theme to our Thanksgiving movie last year.
Really, really great mashed potatoes.
Gravy works.
Brown and white gravy.
Oh, that's interesting.
The savories as opposed to-- - yeah.
- That's interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
All right.
Um, well, Justin, I'm sorry.
I don't know how you figure all of this now.
Aside from the obvious, that she's artistically fulfilled and you're not.
I am fulfilled, actually.
I am artistically fulfilled.
Like I said, you know, my script's coming along.
I just--just causes issues.
There are a lot of issues that come up because of what she's doing.
It's family is really the issue here.
It's my family.
I can't just bring her home to my dad and my moms.
It's just--it's not-- all right, well, why can't you bring her home to your dad and your mom? No, my "moms.
" I'm a fundamentalist mormon.
Well, that'sNew.
He has five moms.
So you're--it's not even regular mormons.
It's--it's beyond regular mormons.
It's the people in the news then.
Is it that group or a separate-- - Yeah, they-- - Yeah.
Some of them were in the news.
It's that group.
And--and--and I assume you're not part of it anymore, because you don't seem to be wearing the underwear or any of the temple robes or-- well, I mean, we don't always have to wear-- no, I saw angels in America.
- I think-- - Oh.
- You know, a temple-- - Well-- - the temple garments.
- Yeah.
No, they're-- I mean, I-- you know, sometimes we don't always have to wear that stuff.
I mean, unless you-- it's not about necessarily-- I don't want to talk about the dress code or my daily regiments, okay? All right, I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
I don't want it.
It's not, like, religion here.
It's about us working.
I want to know what you think we should do to work.
I see so many other issues that need to be addressed before you get to the two of you.
It seems that you've lapsed from your family's religion/culture.
So if you'd like to contact your mothers And father, um, I could counsel over the Internet.
Do they have Internet access? Uh, no.
I don't think-- right now, they don't.
I'll--I mean-- at the temple they do probably.
Yeah, maybe at the temple or something.
Because you--there are certain programs where you can get up to five or six people on a site to do the therapy.
I could arrange that.
I could do that.
I'd be happy to.
- That would be great.
- Okay.
I mean, it would be PayPal.
You know, the regular cost times five, si-- however many people there are.
Yeah, okay.
All right, great.
- Well, that's good.
- All right.
So, and then, Bryn, it seems like we need a session to work through everything that's going on with work.
The stuff that's drawing you into there and away from your relationship here.
- Right? - Yeah.
With the jealousy and the competition - with, uh - That's pretty good.
Bam-bam and, uh, mandingo.
Well, it's--it's-- it's boom-boom.
Boom-boom, sorry.
And we've had some friction lately.
I think we could-- we could really use some-- some sessions to work that stuff out and mandingo for sure.
Uh, then there's Cherry Poppins.
She, uh-- we've had a lot of issues.
Well, look, I think this is great.
I think this is really good.
I think-- yeah, we could set this up easily.
I think this is good.
Yeah, that's good.
Okay, yeah, we'll set it up.
Okay, so-- 'cause I'm not clear on what the issues are with cherry poppins and, uh There--there are plenty.
- Boom-boom.
- Yeah, there-- there are so many.
There's a lot of issues.
Yeah, I think that's, uh-- I think it's been three minutes, right? Yeah, we're good.
I think we got it.
So we'll see you.
I can go over with boom-boom-- I think-- um, hello.
My name is Jerome Sokoloff and I would-- I would-- hold on a second.
Is that better? That might be better.
Actually, I think with glasses it might be better.
More-- no.
I can't see.
Okay, um, doc-- um, okay, so, I-- I--I am here to talk to you a little bit about Dr.
Fiona Wallice, whom I-- I have been seeing for-- well, counting 50-minute sessions, which I actually found incredibly useful, um, and then now transl-- Not completely with Dr.
I mean, it's really been a combination of the work that I've been doing and with my girlfriend Haley, who has also been incredibly supportive at-- I have been able to talk about with Dr.
Fiona Wallice and she's--along with Haley, who, um-- it's a testimonial for Haley.
That I have a lot of food allergies-- We have a refrigerator in the kitchen that-- It's not my fault that I got an entire half of a refrigerator to myself-- 'Cause of my peanut allergies-- Gluten allergies, because-- he's still talking about the food.
One time that I had to throw out someone's tuna fish sandwich.
Oh, enough! Dr.
Wallice, for me, has really made me learn how to keep my feelings, my thoughts, my needs, my interests, my own personal-- what--really everything, my-- the core of me-- apart from what I really should be focusing on.
"And Fiona Wallice helped me with it.
" And the help of my girlfriend Haley-- - Haley, I heard that! Doesn't-- were you asked to do-- were you asked to do one? - No.
- I'm still conscious.
Okay, so I appreciate a little bit of-- oh, please.
You see that? I'm letting my own thoughts Do you know where the pause button is? And feelings and anger get-- oh, and there's the erection.
- Oh.
- What? Dr.
Wallice, like, helped me with my relationships with men.
Well, I used to be shallow.
I used to like men because they were good-looking, but now I like some that have money.
Uh, okay, cut.
Uh, uh, you're doing great, Gina.
It's just, um, you sound a little-- a little tentative like you're not really behind what you're saying.
I'm not very good in the sperm of the moment.
- Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
- On the what? You're also--you're grimacing as you're speaking my praises.
- Oh, okay.
- So.
- I'll smile more.
- I'll direct her.
- Oh, good, then do that.
- Okay, okay.
Okay, um, Gina, did you get the message I left you last night about some of the ideas for this testimonial and how I wanted you to put a period at the end of every sentence and really commit to it? Did you get that message? No, I was breaking up with my boyfriend last night.
- Oh.
- I was distracted.
Oh, well.
Yeah, he just, like-- he never wanted to have sex with me and I'm a very sexual person.
And it was like, "come on.
Take me to pound town already.
" Wow.
That's so weird.
I feel like--I feel like I want to do it all the time.
- All right, anyway.
Are we going to try it again or-- all right, yeah.
Let's-- let's do it one more time.
Okay, Gina? Are you ready? You look great, by the way.
Your hair is, like, shiny and your eyes are sparkly.
Thank you.
You're gorgeous.
You're like a brown Luke Wilson.
Oh, my gosh.
No one's ever said that to me before.
- You're gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.
The framing looks great, by the way.
Like, you look so perfect in the camera.
Thank you.
You have her smiling.
It's a good time.
Okay, yeah, all right.
Okay, so, like-- I love Slumdog Millionaire.
- Ah, ah, yeah.
- Totally.
I love Indian people.
Really? - Yeah.
- Wow.
I'm Indian.
I know.
- You can tell? - That's hot.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
You think Indian guys are hot? Totally hot.
I'm a little hot right now, to be honest.
I'm kind of sweating.
Maybe sometime I could come over and check out your totem pole.
That's-- that's, uh-- that's not the right kind of Indian.
I have an incense stick.
Maybe we can shoot this and then Okay, right.
Okay, so, um, ready and-- we can have ice cream.
Ready and action.
Wallice, like, totally helped me with my self-esteem image.
Um, cut.
That was so much better.
That was so much better.
Thank you.
Yeah, you really got the hang of it.
We're just gonna do a few more and you'll be, like-- you'll be brilliant.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I like working with you.
- Thanks.
We could do some other projects together, you know? I'd like to do some projects with you.
Don't take his flirting too seriously.
He does it with everyone.
You know what? She always thinks I'm flirting with her.
Well, I'm sorry.
When he asks you to grab his cord and plug it into the hole, you know? We were fixing her computer.
I mean, come on.
Yeah, as if, right? Hey, what's up with Richard? Who do you mean? He, like, keeps saying how distracted he is and how you're so unpredictable and the schedule for last week said, "Friday, lunch with Fiona.
'Jack-a-mos!!!'" explanation point, explanation point, explanation point.
"Can't wait.
" - Are you seeing him? - Oh, well, maybe that was-- oh, no.
Who? I'm sure that was just code for a session.
What's he supposed to write? "To cure my mental illness"? No.
It's code, I'm sure.
You know, you should also know that-- that Kamal here works for kip's law firm.
Oh, God.
I don't care.
So-- seems everyone at the law firm is sleeping with each other anyway.
WellAll right.
But I don't want Gina to get into any trouble, of course, 'cause this is sort of a breach of confidentiality.
What are you doing? I'm just adjusting the flowers.
Oh, for the shot? Do they need to look better? Yeah, they were out of position, so I just wanted to put them in the frame.
I'm not sure this is working anyway, you know? What are These noises I keep hearing? What it-- What's happening? Oh, honestly.
You know, I think maybe we're done.
Let's call it a day.
I think we've gotten as much out of you as we can.
So I have other clients anyway that I think will be able to do this for me.
It'll work out.
So thank you so much, Gina.
As always, you've been very helpful.
- Thanks, Gina.
- Thanks.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
Well, kip, I can't order you food if you don't tell me what it is that you want.
Oh, my.
Oh, kip, it's exciting.
I'm getting so many people signing on for-- signing up for appointments.
Oh, my goodness! Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, good morning, Bryn and Justin.
Today, we need to be on a very hard three minutes.
I need a hard out because I'm swamped all of a sudden and I have about 30 people I'm going to see back-to-b-- it's an hour and a half worth of appointments, so.
Well, you're a great therapist.
I can see why.
You're phenomenal.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And, um, we're going to have to clear up some-- some things that have-- that have come up.
First of all, I see, Justin, it looks like you're wearing your mormon, um, undergarments this time.
I'm not sure.
- Um, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, this is-- - Yeah, this is pretty much-- we just got it in the dry cleaner, so.
Now, I didn't hear from either one of you about our session.
This was supposed to be the session with your family, Justin.
The big mormon session.
Right? Remember? We were going to somehow organize your family a session.
They got stuck-- they're stuck in Utah and-- it would have been nice for you to let me know.
'Cause Utah--wherever we are-- - yeah.
- We're on the Internet.
It shouldn't matter.
And, Bryn, with your work buddies.
Yeah, they're, you know, swamped with, uh, work.
Lots of work.
Well, I am too now for I don't know what reason.
All of a--word of mouth, you know, that's the wonderful thing, I think, about the Internet.
- You never know, you know? - Yeah.
- That's for sure.
- Somewhere, someone's talking about me and I couldn't be happier.
- But anyway.
- Yeah.
Um, well, also, I'm gonna need a different contact for you, because I tried to Google you, Bryn, and, um, I couldn't find you.
- No? - You know? No, and then I thought maybe, "Bryn," you know-- I thought maybe that's not your, uh--your porn name.
And, um, you know, but I don't know the name of your pet or the street you grew up on, so I wasn't able to try to conjure what that porn name would be.
I know what mine would be, you know? Oh.
It would be, um-- well, it's not much.
It would be, um, Rufus Bridgehampton drive.
So I don't know if that's a very effective-- that's kinky.
That's a good porn name.
- Oh, is it? - Yeah.
Well, maybe you just don't know how to Google it.
It could be a generational gap or something.
I'm not--well, I know how to Google.
I've done a ton of films.
I Google myself all the time.
See? Let me-- there I am, yes.
Right th-- oh, that was a museum opening my husband and I attended.
That was--that's a good picture.
You should see it.
Check it out if you can.
And my site is there.
I assume that's how you found me, 'cause there it is and then-- oh, there's a new something.
What is that? This is something new.
What is that? Hi, I'm Dr.
- Hi, I'm Bryn.
- I'm Justin.
That's our session! - Oh.
- Weird.
How did our session get on this site? That's not okay.
We have to report this or some-- who--I didn't-- I didn't record our sessions yet.
It's--can people get on to your computer, like-- while we're having a session right now, we could be recorded.
- Okay.
- This is an outrage.
- All right.
- Okay.
The truth is we put it up there.
We're--we're kind of known for this.
- This is what we do.
- It's our site.
We're professional graphic artists.
So you're not--are you a porn graphic artist? - No.
- No.
And are you a mormon? - No.
- No.
Are you a screenwriter or you're just deceivers? Yeah, he's a screenwriter.
Well, I am trying to actually write screenplays.
- But we're more-- - All right.
I'm not interested in that anymore.
I'm surprised you haven't seen us before.
We're kind of known for this.
"Can you believe this is my pet?" "Can you believe this is my teacher?" "Can you believe this is my gyno?" Well, you know what? I don't, uh, watch daytime tabloid shows.
So, no, I don't know who you are and I don't go onto these kinds of sites on the computer, all right? Because I have better things to do.
I would prefer to help people and contribute to society instead of tearing it down decent person by decent person.
Those are my goals.
They're a little different from yours, I suppose.
Well, you know-- we find the comedy in tearing down decent people sometimes.
Why would you do something like that? And you didn't ask me either and that's really-- - well, I-- - This was-- those are boundaries being broken all over.
It was just a great forum for comedy and you're a great therapist, you really are.
What's funny about your problems as a fundamentalist mormon and a porn star? If you think that's funny, then you're in worse shape than I could have ever imagined.
Well, we're not the only ones.
Well, this feels very illegal to me, I am sorry to say.
My husband is an attorney.
But I'm going to write down all the particulars right now and we're going to find a way.
This might be a precedent-setting case, but we will certainly try to find a way to introduce legislation onto the Internet to protect people like me from people like you.
What am I? And you have me bouncing and do-- oh, no, that's an avatar.
I never did that.
What do you have me doing? You probably aren't familiar, but-- you have me moving and bouncing and-- you're gonna spin around in a minute, then you do the cabbage patch.
It's--it's a graphic design of you.
Use your head-- I never did that though.
That's not an accurate portrayal of me.
All the--what are those-- and what are those numbers? Those are the people watching this site.
- This site? - Mm-hmm.
- This site.
- That are watching me? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Could I get a link from that to my site? Pass.
Okay, I'm going to the gym.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Have a good workout.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm just reviewing these video messages that I've received.
These people are contacting you? Yes, can you believe it? There's so many of them.
What is that, a he-she? Yes.
I won't be treating them.
I wouldn't know where to begin to help that person and those clothes look like they're from a thrift shop.
But-- is that pierced? We can zoom in.
- No.
- Oh, it is! It is.
Yes, zooming out.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness.
- These people-- - Painful.
You treat these people? Well, I'm not going to treat a sadist, no.
Oh, this one.
She leaves me a message every week.
I think she has a crush on me.
Okay, this is not good for your reputation.
It's not good for my reputation.
That I'm a therapist and I treat people? What is wrong? No, but these people aren't treatable.
Someone who leaves you a message with their ass is not treatable.
That's just not-- it's not good.
I don't think he was serious though.
He was just pretending to make it talk.
- He wasn't-- - Well, what if someone-- these people are crazy.
It's low-life.
You can't be associated with these people.
Yes, well, people who need therapy usually are in some kind of crisis.
And I said I don't treat all of these people, kip.
I don't treat the fatties and the oldies.
Yeah, but your name is there and my name is part of your-- I have the same name.
I'm going to the gym.
When I get back, I want this-- I'll have my name changed.
Shut this down.
That's unreasonable.
To shut it down, I just won't-- - hello.
- Hi.
- I'm Fiona Wallice.
- Robin.
It's nice to meet you, Fiona.
It's nice to meet you too, Robin.
So would you like to tell me why you decided to make an appointment with me? Well, um, I was hoping you could help me.
I'm not exactly sure.
I--I-- I go to the gym a lot as you can probably tell.
Um, some people think that maybe I go too much.
I had heard the term "gymorexic" or "exercise bulimic," but I don't--I don't really think I have that maybe.
No, it doesn't look like you do.
Okay, um, maybe, um-- I don't know.
I mean, hopefully you can help me.
I might have that, um-- that body dys-- I have something to do with how pretty I am and I'm just not sure what it is.
That's funny.
That wasn't what my first thought was going to be.
Oh, like, I'm too thin, right? No.
Eh, far from it.
I thought that what you were getting help for was someone recommended you have issues with other women.
Do you have any friends? - Um, yeah.
- Okay.
- No, I have a lot of friends.
- So that's good.
That's not-- actually, that-- it's--wow.
So, yeah, I don't know.
Somebody had mentioned that maybe I went to the gym too much, but I think it's appropriate.
And what's your goal in looking great, I guess? Well, I feel like now I look super-great.
I mean, you don't have to worry about that stuff obviously, at this point.
Are you married? Yes, I am married.
How long you been married? Oh, I've been married for 17 years.
So you got married in your late 30s? Well, apparently math is not your strong suit.
You know, I don't exactly want to settle down right now.
I mean, I have years to do that.
I'm--you know, I just turned 32.
It's--I have plenty of time for that.
Are you only 32? - Yeah.
- Well, that's wonderful.
- Then you have time.
- Yeah.
Let me ask you-- I'm just trying to-- how do you feel sort of psychologically speaking about Botox and Restylane, I guess little fillers and the cosmetic procedures in general? Well, they're fine for some, I'm sure, but I haven't-- do they hurt or-- well, I wouldn't know if they hurt or not, dear.
I haven't had any of those procedures done.
- I might ask you the same.
- Oh, no, I don't know.
I mean, I don't have to worry about that stuff for way down the line, but I just thought you might be able to help me, 'cause I thought you might have some expertise in that, seeing that-- yes, but this comes back to what my initial Thought--impression of you was.
Uh-huh? And that you have-- you seem to have problems with other women and it might be because of your single status.
Do you think I'm too pretty? Hmm.
WellThere does seem to be certain, um Issues with narcissism.
You do? Hey, um, so, um, I mean, I know I have some sort of issue probably, I'd say, surrounding my beauty and I'm just not exactly sure what it is.
So if you, you know, have any-- have any insights to, um-- do you have any kids? No, I don't have any children.
No? It's too late? WeNever felt the need for it.
'Cause you know you can adopt? A friend of mine, um, just adopted and it's okay, you know? - Well, this isn't my session.
- Oh.
So we don't need to discuss my parenting needs or issues in that area.
But what it does seem to me is that you are a woman who is single and you are looking for a man as you-- well, eventually.
I mean, I'm fine for now.
I'm having a ton of fun.
I have, you know, plenty of time to worry about that.
Then you're a complete, whole person.
You don't need any help at all and you just stumbled across my website.
Well, no, I mean-- you saw an attractive woman on a website and decided to try to tear her down.
Tear-- 'cause so far, that's all I can tell is happening in this encounter.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to come off that way.
I'm too attached to actually be torn down, but your attempt, your constant and consistent battering at my very-- - I don't-- - Are you okay? I'm perfectly fine, but you're clearly not okay.
Oh, 'cause you seem-- I see so many gaps and holes as evidenced by this, uh, air of desperation that you exude.
- Desperation? - Okay.
You should know that we're running out of time, so if you would like to get to the heart of your issue.
So, um, um, Dr.
"wall ice," I was wondering-- it's Wallice.
Wallice? W-a-l-l-I-c-e? Yes, but it's pronounced "Wallice.
" That's so interesting.
I know--I know someone who spells it the same way.
Do you, um, by any chance know kip Wallice? Kip Wallice is my husband.
- So, yes, I do know him.
- You're kidding.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Kip's your husband? Are you in the legal profession? Have you read one of his papers or seen him on MSNBC? Oh, no, he's a lawyer? Yes, he's very reputable.
Oh, no, no.
I didn't know that.
No, no.
He's my spin partner at body slam.
Oh, wow.
I can't believe he's your husband.
Yeah, no, we workout together.
We warm up, stretch out, cool down.
He has really firm hands.
I can't believe you're his wife.
So not what I expected.
He is such a flirt, that kip.
All right.
I have to run.
That was not-- that was not--I did not give you permission to do that.
I am rattled.
Well, we didn't sign anything and, uh, you're actually-- we're entitled to use-- we can tell that you find this funny and we're-- - cut! - Sorry.
Someone who leaves you a message with their ass is not treatable.
That's just not-- it's not good.
I don't think he was serious though.
He was just pretending to make it talk.
- He wasn't-- - Well, what if someone-- wha-- What if some--