Web Therapy (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

We've Got a Secret

Previously on Web Therapy I have worked for your husband, so yeah Yes, right You're gorgeous.
You're like a brown Luke Wilson.
Oh, my gosh.
No one's ever said that to me before.
What's happening? Oh, honestly.
And I just don't understand why you need $200,000 in the start-up fee.
Because that's how much it is.
I am not Web Therapy, I work for Web Therapy, and Web Therapy has to pay me for my services.
I want at least $150,000.
I'm worth it, I think.
Well, I can't possibly give you any money-- Why on earth would you hoard the money right now when you could help everyone right now, while you're alive-- especially your children? Do you, um, by any chance know Kip Wallice? - Kip Wallice is my husband.
- Kip's your husband.
Are you in the legal profession? No, no, he's my spin partner at Body Slam.
Wow, he is such a flirt, that Kip.
Oh, you showed up.
Why wouldn't I show up? Out of embarrassment from last time.
What do I have to be embarrassed about? Well, after you clearly made up some silly exercise bulimia-- whatever-you-read-in-the latest-fashion-magazine illness, and manufactured this fantasy relationship.
- Fantasy? - Yes.
Saying that you know my husband.
I do know your husband.
- Okay, well - Pretty well.
- I've spoken with Kip.
- Uh-huh? And I don't know how you found out that we're married, but he said that of course he doesn't even take a spin class because he's not a gay man.
So there's no way that you could know him.
Kip said he doesn't take spin class? No, he doesn't.
Okay, well Maybe I have the wrong Kip.
- It seems that you do.
- Okay.
Let's just see.
Um, my Kip - Went to Harvard.
- Many of them have.
He's significantly older than me, but he's quite a few years younger than you.
He's in terrific shape, we work out together.
He's tall, really good-looking-- It's not the same man.
Tall, good-looking, he's married, but they separated about five years ago for about six months, because of some, like frigidity issues.
Oh, he had a disastrous honeymoon where I guess the marriage wasn't consummated.
UmOh, his sweat smells like caramel.
And he has great taste in clothing.
And shoes--oh, he actually-- Can you see these? He picked these out.
Can you-- Yeah.
Same guy? It is the same guy.
Not fantasy.
Well, this is a fantasy relationship you have.
Because Kip happens to be very much in love with his wife.
Oh, sweetie.
It's not a fantasy.
We're in love.
And, well, it hasn't gotten physical yet, but his little "business trip" this weekend in Atlanta Meet Atlanta.
We're--Atlant-- We're gonna have sex! Well, that'll be a neat trick.
Because for the past Kip has been impotent.
Have a good trip, dear.
Hey, Fiona.
- Yes.
- How are you? Are you in Kip's office? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm backing up his system for him.
Listen, I needed to talk to you.
I--I can't work for you anymore.
Okay, Fiona? - Oh? - Yeah.
Gina took me to a Lachman party, and You're seeing Gina still? Yeah, definitely.
Oh, my God.
Gina is, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I mean, I didn't know that girls could do the kinds of things that she can do without breaking in half, or getting stoned.
Well, let's see how you feel when the itching and burning starts.
The itching and the? Believe me, I'm already kind of burning.
- Why can't you work for me? - Oh, because-- Okay, so the Lachmans offered me a job-- - What? - At their company.
And I'm finding that there's a conflict of interests, okay, Fiona? They're asking me questions about your budget.
- What? - They asked me if you really need the money for equipment.
And Gina said, "Well, that seems weird "because the computer she uses is the same computer that went missing when she left Lachman.
" - What? - So that's free.
Then they asked me if you have any employees on the payroll, and I said, "Well, I work for you.
" But you don't pay me, so I don't really know what you'd need payroll for.
You're not much of an employee, are you? I guess you're worth every penny.
Fiona, I have spent hours at your office.
I helped you set up the whole-- And now you're undermining the entire thing.
- Well, I'm just being honest.
- How do you know I wasn't going to pay you, after I had the infusion of cash from my investor? Fiona, you've promised me, like, six times that you're gonna pay me, and nothing has ever shown up.
I haven't gotten the money yet.
I'm waiting for my investor, then-- I just don't wanna get caught in the middle, okay? So I just can't work for you anymore, because if they ask me questions, I don't wanna have to lie.
Then-- It's not a lie if you're Telling them that I need certain equipment, and that, you know, there are expenses with Googlethings.
- And--and-- - Google things? MyMy visibility on the Internet.
It requires some output of cash.
Yeah, so you might wanna-- This is a conflict of interests.
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.
Which is illegal and you can't do it.
- No, I can't work for you-- - You can't do it.
Anymore, but I can work for the Lachmans.
- But not you.
- Wait, someone else is calling.
I have to put you on hold.
Don't go away.
Well, Kip's gonna be back soon, so could you hurry up with what-- - Don't go.
- Eh-- - Hello, mother.
- Hello, Fiona.
I am so excited.
I have to tell you something absolutely divine.
I had the most spiritual revelation.
I'm going to take your advice, and I'm going to make sure that my offspring is given my money while I'm still alive to enjoy and rhapsodize in the glory of it.
Oh, wonderful news, mother! Well, can I ask you to hold on while I get rid of a client? Of course, of course, of course.
- Hello, Kamal.
- Hi, Fiona.
I won't be needing you anymore.
- Oh.
- So - Good-bye.
- Okay-- - I'm back.
- Yes.
- And available.
- Well, I've had the most-- absolutely a burst of post-menopausal creativity.
Oh, it sounds like it.
And I'm going to make up for the fact that I was-- well, my motherhood-- my mothering was a bitter disappointment, I know it.
And to no one more than myself.
And I--this is my chance to make it right.
I'm going to do what's right, and I'm going to make it all up.
I don't know, I've never told you this-- and I don't think I have, but, you know, I had a son - before I married your father.
- What? I had a son that I gave away.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Yes, and Kip has found him.
- I've asked-- - My Kip? I asked Kipsy to help me.
He located him, he lives in Dayton, Ohio.
He's an artist.
He's an artist, Fiona! - Well, what's his-- - And his name is Tiknokmin.
- What? - Tiknokmin.
I-- And he-- the most wonderful thing, I've been on the phone with him.
But is that Chinese? What is that name? Wonderful, wonderful-- It's Vietnamese.
Vietnamese.
So you have a Vietnamese child? Well, you know how I love things oriental.
I love them.
I have oriental rugs in my home.
And I've always had them.
Even as a small girl I would say to my mother, "I don't want one of these shag rugs, "I want one of those orientals, - like in the living room.
" - I understand.
And I always had them.
And I've love--you know how much I love Yul Brynner.
And The King and I, and so many things-- he's actually, I think, Eastern-European orsomething.
It's something absolutely natural to me and I see why now.
And here I have a son who's half-Vietnamese, and half mayflower-- Plymouth Rock.
But how could you be sure? Well, he sent me a box of photographs.
- Oh.
- And this dear, beautiful, sensitive-looking, little, thin Asian boy-- I absolutely adored him.
There's just-- His mother's hands are holding him there.
Is that-- Are you the mother? - Well, I am the mother.
- Holding him? They might've been my hands, you know, I don't know hands.
I've had so much work done on my hands.
I hardly recognize my original hands.
In fact, let me see yours, Fiona.
- My hands? - Oh, darling.
You should see my hand man.
Well, I had these pictures of him, and of course I fell in love.
I just fell madly, madly in love with him.
That's what it does.
That's what the birthing-- particularly of a son.
- I think a son to a mother-- - This is a big surprise.
It raises a huge well of maternal love in her breast.
- Yes.
- You and your sister have had the best of me.
You've had the very best of my years, the best of my motherhood.
And now I am going to just shower him.
I'm going to shower him with money and material things-- Am I to understand that you're going to give this person a third of your money? The third for me, and my sister, and now this-- A third for you and your sister? No, no, no.
- So we get half and then-- - No, I want him to have the very best.
I want him--you've had-- I've built a foundation for you and your sister.
Surely you can understand that.
There's a foundation that I don't have access to? You are a Hodge.
You were a Hodge.
And he-- now he will be a Hodge.
- Tiknokmin Hodge.
- But now I'm a Hodge in need - of financing for my business.
- I've built a foundation for you to make the most of your life, and now it's a chance for your brother.
I under-- potentially my brother.
I'm sorry, I'm not convinced that this is your son.
This has been such a revelation.
It's been revelatory, and epiphanous, I tell you.
You realize.
Suddenly, you realize, that you've given away a treasure and kept the trash.
Gina, hello, this is Fiona Wallice calling.
I've been trying to reach Kamal.
I've called him several times, I haven't heard back.
I've tried emailing him and texting him, and--and I really need to speak with him.
So is he-- Are you screening? Is he there? If he's there, could you let him up for a moment to please come to the phone? Or, umMaybe you're not there.
All right, well, well-- It's very important that I speak with him before he speaks to the Lachmans.
Or the Lackmans.
The Lachmans.
Please, please, have him call me.
It's very, very important.
All right, thank you.
Oh, it is you.
I don't know why I'm still amazed every time you show up.
But here we are.
Well, hello, "Atlanta.
" Looks like things didn't go very well for you, I'm so sorry.
Don't look at me, I'm not pretty when I cry.
Oh.
Is that when it is? I'm a wreck.
It was a disaster.
And now I can't leave my house, there's constant cereal-eating, I've gained, like, nine pounds.
It's like a carb fest over here.
It's a carb circus.
You want a carb? Guess what, I have some carbs! You completely set me up.
Well, I tried to warn you.
But if now we're adding paranoia onto the list of other problems that you have-- Oh, okay.
Paranoid? - We get to Atlanta-- - Oh, good.
I get to hear details.
Yeah, you should hear a few details.
We had a really nice dinner, we get to the room, I get completely undressed, and he couldn't perform apparently.
Well, when you're vomiting, it's difficult to perform.
I wasn't vomiting yet.
Apparently, I don't have what he needs.
I can't believe you set me up like that.
- Well, you can't really-- - What is the matter with you? You can't take it too much to heart, dear.
He's used to more of a refined sort of person.
Oh, please! The reason he told me that he couldn't perform, is that he said he only hit on me to begin with Because he thought-- He thought I was a transvestite! - What? - What? - What? - What? How could anybody think I'm a transvestite? Look at, these are pretty hands.
- I don't have man hands.
- Well Certainly, you wear too much makeup, but I don't think that would've given anyone any reason - to think you were a man.
- You're a sick girl.
I mean, now I really do need therapy, but you need it more, being married to a gay man for all these years for God knows what reason.
What is the matter with you? He was hoping you were a transvestite.
No, he thought I was a transvestite.
No, no.
That sounds like something that any normal man would say when he's not turned on by a woman.
Of course he wasn't turned on by me! I don't have a penis! Hello, Jerome.
Hello.
There you are.
Sorry I had to start a little bit late.
I--I had Hailey on the phone with me.
She's changed her mind yet again - about the wedding plans.
- Oh, all right.
She wants to do a medieval renaissance theme.
And hot air balloon rides cost $200 a person, and wild boar coach rides? I don't know how I'm gonna do it.
Well, no, I've had a little taste of that myself.
"No, I won't do any more sessions where we are pretending to be brother and sister.
" No, she's not very cooperative.
- Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
- Or collaborative.
I know, I know, and I've been dealing with it all week.
But I mean, she just-- she means well.
She just-- she got uncomfortable with the sessions that we were recording.
- And, um-- - Well So I'm not sure I'm handling this the right way.
- Right.
- Because she wants me to be in control of the whole thing, and pay for the whole thing.
And-- Anyway, I'm feeling very stressed.
I did what you asked me, which was to assert myself and claim my own.
And I put into her prenuptial agreement - Yes? - An ideal weight limit.
- Good for you.
- Said, "After this point, I'm not attracted to you anymore.
" Right.
Well, last time I saw her, she was pounding M&M's and she--her face looked a little rounder.
So it's not out-of-bounds at all.
I've seen it many times.
People put that in.
Plus, the financial strain of having to pay for this wedding is becoming overwhelming, 'cause they're-- in this economy, they're making so many budget cuts at Visa, that I'm worried about-- Visa, the credit card company? That's where you work? Yeah, I work in employee services here.
- And I'm worried about-- - I thought you worked at Visa.
When people need a visa to go somewhere.
- I didn't know-- - No, no, Visa the credit card.
- That's more interesting.
- Well, it's interesting, but they haven't been giving the raises that they used to be giving.
And it's hard to sort of plan a wedding and deal with that stress, and also deal with the work stress.
Because they're really cutting down here, - and they're really making-- - Uh-huh.
Well, let's-- why don't we do some exercises, Jerome, here at work, so you can practice being assertive, and bring that back to your relationship with Hailey? Otherwise, you don't stand a chance.
- That would be great.
- Good.
So the first thing I'd like you to do is to take your paper clips out and throw them across your desk.
Oh, wow.
Without thinking about it, just do it.
Okay, okay.
Uh Good.
All right.
- Oh, God.
- See? You've lived.
All right, all right, all right.
You're putting them back, aren't you? Well, you know, we're supposed to have a certain regulation office space.
And each cubicle's gotta look exactly right during inspections.
You have to make your own rules, Jerome.
I want you to pound on your chest and yell.
I've got a neighbor who-- Pound on your chest and yell.
- Shut up, you freak.
- Very good.
What? No, no, no, I'm good.
- No, no, don't apologize.
- I've got a tickle.
- Don't apologize for it.
- You're right.
It defeats the whole purpose.
So right now, I want you to look up the following account number on your computer - to access this account.
- Oh, Dr.
Wallice, I don't have clearance for that.
I mean, that is highly, highly confidential.
And I'm level one clearance, that's level three clearance.
- I don't know what that means.
- I'm in employee services.
I make sure the lunchroom is clean and the vending machines are stocked.
And we had a huge mix-up the other day between the tampon machine in the ladies' room and the condom machine in the men's room.
And now some woman is suing because of a latex infection.
- All right, well-- - I'm not sure I'll be able - to have any-- - Well, it doesn't matter.
We're working on you being more assertive.
So type in the following account number.
You still have a computer.
It's hooked up to the system.
- Yes, but I'm-- - It's 4-4-3-6-- - I'm nervous about it.
- It's 4-4-3-6 - 3-6 - 8-2 - 8-2 - 2-7 - 2-7.
- 6-5-5-4 Okay.
That is linked to a Kip Wallice.
That's right.
That's my husband.
- Oh.
- So I'm authorizing you - Oh.
- To look into the account.
Oh, okay.
Not everything is a total risk, Jerome.
See how it pays to assert yourself.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
Um, your name isn't on this account, though.
Well, we're married, so it doesn't matter.
Right.
All right, just read me the most recent - Okay.
- Charges, please.
There's a gas station on Route Six.
There is a convenience store-- - What city is it in? - It's in downtown Philly.
And then here, there is A tinker fella.
It's a--it looks like it's a cocktail lounge and coffeehouse.
And Guns n' Poses retail boutique.
Novelty clothing store.
Novelty items.
Um, pipes and pumps Is a cocktail lounge.
Midnight Tran to Georgia-- Well, you know, I can get the Fraud Department on this, and make sure that security-- No, no, these are-- I know what these are.
- Okay.
- That's fine.
All right.
Oil and lace, that's-- there's a big one there.
It's over $400 at oil and lace.
Um Okay, I really need to get Fraud on this.
You know, I really should call Fraud.
Oh, no, oh, no.
You don't call Fraud.
Uh, manly and lacy? That just seems like-- No, no, I know what those are, Jerome.
All right, so why don't you just fax that to me? Oh, no, I can't fax that to you.
I mean, these are highly confidential documents.
- And I can't really enter in-- - Just fax it.
Okay, yes, Hailey.
Uh, Dr.
Wallice.
It'll come through in your office, directly through the computer.
Ooh, wow.
- That's--that's-- - All right, no, I hear it.
- All right, thank you, Jerome.
- Well, Dr.
Wallice, thank you.
'Cause now I think if I transfer some of what I-- - I'll see you next time.
- Yeah.
If I-- Kip, don't go near the fax machine.
- Oh, Kamal.
- Hey, Fiona.
Oh, thank you so much for finally contacting me.
I'm sorry about all the-- Yeah, you left me, like, six messages.
Yes, I'm sorry there was so many of them.
But I felt so horrible about the way I-- I left things with you the last time.
And I will be sending you some money for your services.
So don't worry.
Does this mean that you are now at Lachman Brothers officially? - Have you left-- - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, I'm still working for Kip.
Gina and I are gonna-- we're gonna go clubbing tonight.
So I'm just picking her up.
She said she needed, like, two minutes up in Jeremy's office for something private, so I'm just waiting.
Yes, okay.
Oh, how fun, you'll go clubbing.
She's a fun girl.
Yeah, never met anyone like her.
No.
Very expensive girl.
Anyway But I'll be sending you a check for $200 for your services, thank you.
I'll find someone else then, I guess, who can help me, you know, flesh out my website.
And that person-- hopefully who's very ambitious and needs money-- will help me find the right investor as well.
And I'm of course gonna give them the customary finders' fee.
- So - Yeah.
That's--that sounds That sounds great.
So it's just too bad that you're not that person.
- Yeah.
- And it makes me sad for you that you don't feel entitled to be that kind of a go-getter.
What do you mean by that? Well, it's--I'll put my therapist cap on for a moment.
It just seems clear to me that you've been beaten down by I don't know what.
Maybe your culture or your parents don't value what you do or you're misunderstood or no doubt, the child of people from another culture entirely who don't respect the "artist" in you, who are very oppressive, have very rigid rules for how one is to live and how one is not to live.
And it seems like it would be a very diffic-- Are you all right? - I'm okay.
- Do you need a tissue? No, no, no.
I'm gonna be--I'm gonna be-- Doesn't she have tissue on her desk or did she take them with her? I guess she took them with her.
- All right, sure.
- I wonder why.
Does it--let's not think about that.
- Okay.
- Let's just think about how sad your life is.
My--my--my parents, they don't really get me wanting to be a director.
They just think I should be an I.
T.
guy for the rest of my life.
Like that's gonna be a lot of fun.
Right.
Wellanyway.
I'm sorry for you.
But that's where you are.
So I will just find myself someone who does feel entitled to take a risk and find areas where my business can be the best that it could be.
But I could-- I could maybe take a risk.
- Really? - I'm really good with numbers.
- Oh.
- I'm really good with numbers.
I mean, we could make a-- we could make a-- Let's see, here we go.
Do you wanna make a budget together? - And inflate it? - But if you are-- - Think you can be up for it.
- I'm up for it.
Well, then why don't you do it and you can have the finders' fee? What--what is the finders' fee again? It's 5% of the total.
And you're right there at Lachman, and you could submit that budget to them.
Okay, Fiona.
I'm gonna practice your therapy now - and I'm gonna take a risk.
- Okay.
Make it ten - percent.
- That is a risk.
Yeah.
Aren't you proud of me? I'm--I am proud, yes.
Except a finders' fee is 5%.
So I have to figure out a way to justify 10%.
Let me think, I have a feeling you're worth it.
Um Oh, boy.
Okay, I have a good one.
Here's what's happening.
Is that I have decided to leave-- or no, my husband Kip has left me.
- Wow, I'm sorry.
- Yes, I know.
That's--you know what, that's all right.
Life goes on.
Um And I'm not trying to offer you hope in my direction at all.
It's just a fact that he's left me.
I'm not interested.
And, um, I know that they're going to try to hide the finances in his business, in Lang, Wallice, and Janowitz-- in the law firm.
So I need you to please go back there and do some forensic accounting for me.
Or not even, just put all the financials on some kind of disk and get it to me.
I don't know, Fiona.
I mean, that is, like-- Eh, that's really, like, a breach of my responsibilities over at the law firm.
I could get into a lot of - trouble for that.
- That's a breach? - Yeah.
- Of your responsibilities? - Well, yeah, I-- - What about his breach And the whole law firm's breach of a contract? Of a marital contract? Where they're hiding what is rightfully mine.
What is due me.
I've been his wife for 17 years.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yes.
Wow, that's a long time he was with you.
You're preventing a crime, is what you're doing.
And to me, that is worth an extra 5%.
Okay, fine.
I will get that information, I will put it on my hard drive, and I will slip it to you.
If we can do this without the flirting, I'd really appreciate it.
Yes, some people have a latex allergy, all right.
Um, and then There's also Yes--no, um, a black Johnny 8, and a black Johnny 12.
Why would I need two of those? What is that? What is the-- It's what? What's that? I'm not understanding the word.
The difference-- Oh, 4 inches.
- I know, were you chewing-- - Yeah, you were chewing a lot.
- Really? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- It was driving me crazy.
- I got distracted.
- So did I.
- Just take the gum out.
- No, it was a certain point.
It was really loud.
It was really intense.
Whoo! Lots of gum-chewing.
Oh, we have to be quiet.
Good, thank him for me, as well.
No, I think that's your job.
Cut.