Web Therapy (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

Psychic Analysis

Previously on Web Therapy Well, there you are.
Hello.
I am so stressed out.
There are, like, these lawyers and accountants here.
And, like, Jeremy told me I have to, like, erase my hard drive.
You're a sick girl.
I mean, now I really do need therapy, but you need it more, being married to a gay man! If--if you don't mind, I don't wanna talk too much about your marital problems, because I'm not really interested in yours.
I have my own.
- Oh.
Oh, okay.
- Okay.
As it turns out, our marriage is--is dissolving right before my eyes.
Listen, I want my money, and if you don't give it to me soon, I'm gonna tell the Lachmans that your budget is bogus.
Okay, so, you want me to pretend that I want to sleep with my sister? Right, that's what it's going to be about.
I'd like to--who-- Is that him, with the antique table? Where? Oh, it's-- it's just tick.
He's-- He took a whole table out.
Which table was it? Oh, doesn't matter.
Any of these tables.
I told him to take anything he wants.
- Now he's living with you? - Of course he's living here.
Where would you have him live? - At home.
- He's my son! Ooh.
I'm just gonna rest for a minute.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
Mother? What is it? Kip, I'm sorry, but I need your help.
I need to get my mother declared insane.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Well, she's ridiculous.
She cannot make any responsible decisions anymore, and someone has to take charge.
Fiona, where is this coming from? I'm not gonna help you with this.
This is crazy.
She's crazy! You just saw her last week with tick-tock.
You can't allow this to continue! You can't-- I can't get involved with this.
I'm not gonna help you with this.
I can't.
There's so much going on right now.
Kamal is AWOL, someone has hacked into our computers, and my visa card has been declined.
I--I got too much going on right now.
Oh, that's a lot of-- those are a lot of issues.
- Yeah, so, so, you know what? - All right, but just give-- Leave your mother out of this, and just get off this.
Fine, don't help me.
I'll find someone else on my own to take away my mother's rights, all right? I will ask Janowitz to help me.
I have to go anyway because I have a client waiting.
You--you haven't shut down web therapy? No, I absolutely have not shut down my practice, my livelihood.
No.
I've shut down the video message service.
You know what? You're insane.
Ask Janowitz for a twofer.
Ooh, that rapier wit.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I'm Serena Duvall.
I found your site through Google, and, uh, I have a problem, and I hope you can help me.
Well, I hope so too.
What seems to be the problem, Serena? Well, I'm a psychic.
You've probably heard of me.
I work with the police all the time.
I have an Internet business.
I was gonna do a show with Hollywood that they were developing for me.
Uh, it was called Psychic Friends, but there was a legal issue, so that, uh, stopped.
Well, that's--I-- I don't ever watch TV myself.
I'm too busy having a real life.
So I'm sorry? I don't watch television, so I don't keep up with the-- with the happenings of that world.
All right, well, um, unfortunately, I've lost something that's very important to me.
Well, I am not a psychic, so I don't know if I can help you find it.
Well, I'm hoping that, uh, you could help me in some way.
I'm trying to unblock something.
I--I--I am a psychic that works off of dreams.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a big believer in psychics.
Well, I wasn't a big believer in therapists either, except for, um, I'm desperate.
- Ooh.
- SoI'm sorry.
Well, no, that-- that's fine.
I won't--I won't say what I was going to say, which is, it feels like anyone can just hang up a shingle and say, "I can offer help," and just dupe a very vulnerable, gullible population of people eager to pay for those services.
But, um, let's see if I can't help you reassemble yourself.
Yes, I could use the help.
I would like to prove you wrong.
Unfortunately, I've lost my gift, which is why-- Really? You've lost your gift? So, you can't read my palm, tell me what my love line says? Uh, you don't have a love line.
It's not the end of the world.
I mean All right, I suppose this series of creases told you that I have no love line, all right? No, you actually don't have a love line.
Let me see.
I'm not a palm reader, but you don't have a love line.
- At all.
- No.
Well All right, well, how is it-- uh, let me see.
How is it that you normally get-- receive your information then? Well, I--I got my visions through my dreams, but unfortunately, um, now my dreams are just dreams.
They're nothing more than that.
They're--they're absolutely meaningless.
I mean, for instance, um Last night, I--I dreamt of a f-- Fiona wall of ice.
What? A phony wall of ice.
Um, um A phony wall of ice turned into this-- to this beautiful woman.
Um, well, she actually wasn't that beautiful.
She was-- I mean, whatever.
She was kind of plain, but she was-- she was married to a prince.
And at night the prince would turn into a unicorn, a--a pink unicorn, and he would go to other unicorns and find them in the-- in the woods or bars and-- Bars.
Yeah? And rub horns with them.
Well Anyway, it just doesn't make any sense.
It's ridiculous.
Right, right.
No.
Well, of course it's nonsense.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just like all dreams are.
Just an assembly of nonsense.
Well, the dream went on and on, and, you know, it went back to when she was a child, and everyone was mean to her.
Well, children are--are mean.
Anyway, you know, and I don't really trust them as a judge of character as it is, so - Okay.
- Go on.
Well, don't let me interfere.
It's a good flow.
Okay.
Then in third grade, she had some kind of accident with a pencil that scarred her.
Hmm.
Well, anything else? Um, I mean, it's just so ridiculous.
Um, yes.
Some of it is so vague, and then some of it is specific.
Okay, here's something specific.
Uh, she had a very beautiful pony.
I don't know.
What was the pony's name? It was Spangle Pants.
Well, that-- Yes, that's nonsense.
I'm sorry.
I--I--I don't think I will be able to help you.
So, good luck to you, Serena.
What? - Well, hello, Robert.
- Hi, doll.
Good to-- Thanks for seeing me.
Well, no problem.
It's just such a-- This is an interesting way to have a business meeting, I suppose, but Yeah, I--I-- I never know where to look.
If I'm looking at you, you're seeing me-- - Yes.
- You know what I mean? I--I don't know which part of the screen to look at.
Well, just-- you can look at me.
- Uh-huh.
- It doesn't matter.
Well, uh, again, thanks for seeing me.
Um, I--I just-- I--I have, uh, kind of a favor, and - You have a favor? - That I wanna ask you.
Just something that I wanna, uh, run by you, toss it around, see if it makes salad.
Um I'm in a little situation with the, uh, the, uh, security exchange commission.
Maybe you've heard of-- They're better known as the S.
E.
C.
Oh, yes, I've heard of them, having worked for you for those many years.
Uh, this investigation is-- is very minor.
It's very-- Well, look, you know what, Robert, I wouldn't be too worried about it, because they are scrutinizing everybody at this point, I think.
Well, it's the times we're in.
- I mean, let's face it.
- It's the times we're in.
I mean, they're-- they're casting a wide net, and, uh, just as they do when they're hunting for tuna, sometimes they'll catch the odd dolphin.
Talking down to me won't further your case, Robert.
I mean, I'm al-- you're already in a pickle, - as far as I'm concerned, - I--I--I know.
Because I haven't received that other installment of your investment in web therapy.
And this leads me to why I'm speaking to you now here today, right now at this moment.
Yeah, offering your excuse, yes.
Um, I'm having a little bit of a cash flow crisis, and, uh, unfortunately I have not been able to, uh, funnel to you the, uh, the funds that you need.
Because you don't know how to run your business, in other words.
I--I think I-- I've done pretty well.
My heart was always in the right place.
Yes, you have been doing very well, you and Jeremy.
You inherited this fine financial institution of yours and then drove it into the ground out of your inadequacy.
Neither you nor your brother really know anything about the finance world.
Yeah, first of all, Jeremy is a meeskite.
I don't even deal with him, so forget him, okay? But, uh, really-- Looks can't get you everywhere, Robert.
Yes, you're the better looking of the two.
That's why I think we developed our connection.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've never liked Jeremy.
You are the only one with a-- with a teaspoon full of charm.
- Thanks.
- And I had thought you were the one with the brains, but clearly I'm wrong.
You know what? People are occasionally victims, okay? Even strong people.
Even people with brains.
Well, you know that I have been victimized at Lachman brothers.
- Uh, well - Otherwise I-- - I wouldn't have needed - Yes? to leave under the circumstances that I did.
Yes, yes, I-- yeah, I'm--I'm aware of your perception of what the circumstances were, but--but, please, here's the point.
The point is that I'm actually coming to you for help.
- And once again-- - Not a handout.
And once again, your lack of--of insight - for what propriety is - Yes? Which was what got you in trouble in the first place, - Robert - Yes? Is now biting you in the--in the ass.
There, I said it.
I'm under house arrest.
- Right now? - Right now.
I'm wearing one of these little anklets.
Unattractive, tight.
Well, that's a little more serious than a minor investigation if you're under house arrest.
Again, it's just protocol.
It's just something that they need to do.
They're looking to train their little-- their--their interns, okay? They need to know the proper way to apply One of these anklets.
- Yeah, oh.
- You know, I can't even clean.
I--I need a toothbrush to clean around it, to clean my--my ankle.
Hmm.
The point is that if they knew that, uh, I was under your care for a problem that I have, that they would, you know, show me a little more, uh, kindness.
Uh, I--I--I think that I have kind of a, uh, a risk addiction.
Is that-- is there a Well, first one has to believe in addiction in the first place, which I--I do not.
- You don't? - No.
I think it's a matter of-- of self-discipline, to be honest with you.
It's not a disease.
Well, but, I mean, it--it--it could be.
I mean, there's--there's, like, Lou Gehrig's disease, right, and that-- Yes, but that's an organic disorder.
- Well - Just-- just choosing not to stop drinking because it's bad for you is not a disease.
It's--it's a lack of willpower, as far as I'm concerned.
I know it's not a popular opinion, but that-- it's the one that I have.
Well, I mean, would you say a person like Evel Knievel, uh, was, uh, it was a choice? He chose to live that life of risk? Are you telling me he had a disease that kept him breaking his bones every few months as soon as he recovered? I don't see that as a disease.
Poor judgment.
Nobody in their right mind, I think, would ever pursue that life unless they could not help themselves.
And this is what I'm feeling, and this is what-- I--I--I think that it's unethical of me to help you conjure some kind of disease to explain away your business problems at the moment.
I don't think it's conjuration.
Okay, I don't think it's voodoo.
I think what it is, is that there's something within me, and I'm looking to you for help.
- Well, if I do help you - Yeah? What do I get in return? Uh, aside from the satisfaction of perhaps having a-- a syndrome named after you? What syndrome would that be? - Well, it's-- - A little bit of charm and a complete lack of knowledge syndrome? It's not your fault.
That was harsh.
I'm sorry, Robert.
I'm s-- That's all right.
You know what? - But I am in a pickle myself.
- I--I know.
Like I told you, I have a cash flow problem.
And I needed that--that second infusion of capital for Web Therapy.
You can see that I'm helping people.
Absolutely.
You're helping me now very, very much.
You know what? I think--I think there's something I can do.
Are you going to write me a check for my-- I think there's something I can do.
- Hello, Serena.
- Hi! So, I've been thinking about this all week.
- Oh.
- I have my gift back.
It's back.
You know, I didn't even realize your name until I saw it on my PayPal receipt.
Fiona Wallice.
Phony wall of ice.
This is--oh, my God! - Yeah.
- Fiona Wallice, right? Okay, well, congratulations.
Um, I have to be honest with you.
I'm not perfectly comfortable treating a psychic, because I don't really believe in that particular brand of fraud, to be honest with you.
- Oh, okay.
- You know, especially dreams.
I'm sort of famous for not putting any stock in dreams as a therapeutic device nor a psychic phenomenon, so Okay, that--that's fine.
All I need you to do is answer one question.
Did you have a pet pony named Spangle Pants? That's it.
Well, there are many pets with that name.
It's common.
Common enough.
Not so common.
Spangle Pants? Pet pony? Well, why is this so terribly important to you? - Well - You believe you have your gift back, so Yes, but this is very time sensitive, because I'm supposed to be on Tyra.
- Tyra? - Yes.
So, what do-- Oh, so, now you're going to audition for America's Next Top Model, cycle 16? I thought you didn't watch TV.
Well, there are billboards.
Can't swing a dead cat without, uh, seeing a billboard.
Right.
This is for her talk show.
- Yes, she's doing, uh - Oh.
She's going to be interviewing other professionals on the Internet, like myself, uh, a sex worker, a webfomercial spokesperson.
So, then it's about people who have careers on the Internet.
Exactly.
Well, that's fascinating to me, as I obviously have a career on the Internet as well.
You do.
Now, listen.
Did you have a pet named Spangle Pants? What I'm doing right now is I'm sending you a picture-- you should have it now-- of my childhood pony named Spangle Pants.
Well done.
Who's that fat kid sitting on her with the big nose and the princess cape? Uh, well, uh, it must be some-- some child from the neighborhood who I don't remember being fat.
Oh.
Her mother dressed her in billowy blouses.
I know that, but I don't remember-- Looks pretty fat, but you know what, this is great, this is fantastic.
And, uh, okay, well, my gift is back clearly.
- Yes.
- And I just thank you so much.
Oh, you're so welcome.
I'm so happy that I have cured you.
Yes.
And if you don't mind returning the favor, as one Internet professional to another.
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
You wanna go on Tyra.
Of cour--I'm, uh-- It seems fitting.
I think everyone benefits from it.
Uh, absolutely.
Uh, I will set it up.
Okay, well-- oh, my God.
I am the lightning bug! I'm sorry? Okay, in the dream, the, uh, the princess was illuminated by this little lightning bug, just so all the kingdom could see her.
And that is who I am.
I am your lightning bug.
I'm the one who-- who's there to light you up, to make you famous.
- Oh.
- The lightning bug.
I was in the dream.
Okay, it makes sense.
Oh.
All right, well, all right, that's fine.
You're the bug, and I'm the famous person, yes.
Both: You should also know, by the way, it's interesting.
Um, in the dream, the--my husband, uh-- Mm-hmm.
Well, you mentioned a pink unicorn.
Well, he's not exactly a unicorn-- Oh, he's gay? It's a-- it's a suspicion - Oh, okay.
- That--that I have.
So, you didn't happen to, um, in that dream, get a divorce settlement figure, did you? Oh, how interesting that you are here.
What happened on Tyra yesterday? Well, I wasn't going to sit there and be humiliated.
Humiliated? What were you expecting? I was expecting to be on the panel alongside you, not seated in the audience as a plant for you to show off your fake powers.
Okay, Fiona, did you really think you could be up there with the other professionals? The sex worker, the webfomercial spokesperson.
Really? Those are professional jobs.
You are an-- What do you do? Give advice? I mean, come on! I--I foresee the future, okay? It's like Dear Abby and Nostradamus.
I mean, you can't really compare them.
Yes.
Fact, make-believe.
Make-believe? Make-believe what? Make-believe that you had a--a gay husband? You have to be kidding me.
You deliberately had me in the audience so that you could say, "Oh, she had a-- a pony as a child," which you already knew.
And I'd also like to remind you that sometimes, Serena, a unicorn is just a unicorn, not a gay husband on national television.
Well, unfortunately, this time it is a gay husband, and it proved how-- Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm sorry, but you did not have to go crazy like you did.
I mean, the insults to Tyra, it was--it was so embarrassing.
Well, I may have gone too far.
- Too far.
- Well, I didn't agree that-- that the winner of cycle 3 was-- - I didn't agree with it.
- Oh, and to-- I thought they were prejudiced.
- Oh.
- She was a beautiful girl that they kicked off.
You know what, I'm not gonna go into that.
All right, sometimes when a person is-- is slighted to the degree that I was, they fly off the handle.
It's human behavior, but maybe you wouldn't know about that because elves and fairies don't behave the same way.
Uh, it was just so embarrassing.
You--you stormed off not once, but twice.
Well, I didn't wanna leave without getting my-- - my goody bag.
- Oh.
That was a wonderful gift bag.
I'm not a--I'm not a huge fan of Jay-Z, but I wouldn't mind having a CD.
Did you try the lemon verbena body wash? - Not yet.
- Oh, it's good.
Anyway, I mean, I--I am sorry.
Fiona, I--I don't know what to say.
I--I--I don't know.
I tried to-- to find you afterwards.
We had a meeting place.
You weren't there.
Of course I wasn't there.
I left the studio, and they happened to have a lovely commissary where I had lunch with a fairly intelligent person, so the day wasn't a total wash.
Again, I'm sorry.
I'd love to make it up to you somehow.
Really? What, would you like to read my big toe? No, but I do have something that's important I need to tell you.
I had another dream last night.
- Oh? - Yes.
There, uh, the fat kid on the pony was being chased by a figure robed in black, and that's never good.
It's--it's just never good.
Thank you.
I'm not concerned.
But thank you very much for the warning.
Okay, this is-- this is--this is serious.
You know, I'd love to talk to you about my impending doom, - however, my next client - Okay, well, Fiona is buzzing in, so Okay, well, go towards the light.
Oh, that's a black robe.
Ooh, I like it when my face is big.
- Mother? - Yes.
Yes, indeed.
And you know what? I'm a bit fed up with you.
How dare you try to get me declared incompetent? You know, Kip is my lawyer.
- Yes, how--how silly of me.
- Kip told me, and that's how you define loyalty, Fiona.
Are you painting a beard on yourself? Yes, I'm trying out a Halloween costume.
- Oh.
- They have Halloween down at the bar where I like to go now.
Oh.
Vodka rocks.
How very fun for you.
I feel so very, very close to Kip.
And he's so much fun.
He loves to dress up, as I do.
In fact, do you know what I'm thinking? I'll come to Philadelphia, I'll live with you and Kip, and I'll teach you how to have fun.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I have fun.
I'm coming.
I'm gonna bring my pencil set.
I'm going to bring my wig collection.
I'm going to bring all the robes I have.
- I'm gonna bring - Your map of the singles bars? A pushup bra.
Um, but that's all right, mother.
Uh, that's, you know, I think maybe you'd be more comfortable there, and I don't know that I have the people to help take care of you were you to come to our house now.
Fiona, lighten up, darling.
Lighten up.
I'm just kidding.
Oh.
I wasn't that worried.
You're so gullible.
You're so credulous.
It's--it's hard to believe that someone could be so naive.
The things that you have bought throughout your lifetime! For instance, you know, your pony Spangle Pants.
Spangle Pants--you always thought Spangle Pants died of old age, no, no, no.
Spangle Pants no die old age.
You fatty, fatty, you break Spangle Pants' back.
How funny that I-- that I didn't catch that.
Yes, you're right.
It's really tragic actually.
I feel very poorly about it, frankly, and I-- So, I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have that much to do with you.
For a while, I'm gonna let your sister move in here.
I'm gonna make their dreams come true.
How lucky for you.
So, then you don't need me at all.
Just to be clear.
Plus she's a real doctor, you know, and she can get me medical-grade marijuana.
Beautiful.
All right, take care.
Have a nice life.
So, I'm very excited.
I think that I've gotten my powers back.
My powers? I'm not a witch.
Let me start again.
My gift.
For which I'm, uh, I'm, uh, meeting you on to discuss about now.
Well, well put.
Thank you.
Um Both: I think there's something I can do.
There is something I can do.
Oh, all right.
Then you'll do it.
But first you'll disappear in a puff.