Web Therapy (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

Whistle While You Work

Previously on "Web Therapy" I'm in a little situation with the, um The, uh, Security Exchange Commission.
Well, yes.
I've heard of them Having worked for you for those many years.
I mean, they're casting a wide net and, uh, just as they do when they're hunting for tuna, sometimes they'll catch the odd dolphin Eeee! You're already in a pickle, as far as I'm concerned, - I-I know-- - Because I haven't received that other installment of your investment in Web Therapy.
Are you going to write me a check for my-- I think there's something I can do.
Here's what's happening is that I have decided to leave-- or, no-- my husband Kip has left me.
- Wow.
- Yes, I know.
- Sorry.
- That's you know what? That's all right.
Life goes on.
How are things, um, with Kamal? - It's over! - Oh.
Well, I took your suggestion and I made him make me meet his family, and I went over there, and I wore the outfit that you suggested.
- Mm-hmm.
- And they were like mean! I think they tried to set me on fire.
- Oh, that's awful! - And so then they sent him back to India - Aw - To like go marry his fiancée on a goshram Which is like an Indian hotel chain.
No.
There's so much going on right now.
Kamal is AWOL.
Someone has hacked into our computers, and my Visa card has been declined.
I got too much going on right now.
Oh.
That's a lot of-- those are a lot of issues.
All right, is there anything else? I'm very busy, and I need to get going.
Right.
Right, right.
There is just one more thing.
We got a registered letter which I signed for, and it's from India, and it's an invoice for 71,000 rupees.
From Kamal? Kamal Prakash? Kamal Prakash.
That's exactly right.
Remittance.
Um pa--past due.
- And you signed for it? - I signed for it.
- And-- - Which means that he knows that we received it.
I've purposely sent back all the others saying address unknown.
Oh, I'm-- my bad.
And now he's found me.
And what is it? 71-- Rupees.
What's that? 20 cents? No, no, no.
You'll be glad to know that I did the conversion, I went online-- - Okay.
- And I did the conversion.
- Bravo.
- And it comes to about $1,538.
- That's too much.
- American.
It's a lot.
I don't believe it! So, um, I'm gonna put this in the invoices, because it does-- it does seem like it's past due.
- Uh - And speaking of which, kind of my last-- my last three weeks of work are kind of past due also.
So if you're paying that one and you can get to it, it would be great.
Oh, then I won't pay that one.
Right.
Right.
So I'll put that one, and I'll put mine-- my invoice and this invoice together in the folder, and I'm supposed to-- Mr.
Wallice told me I should keep the invoices together and give them to the accountant.
What? Mr.
Wallice told you to do what? Well, I was talking to Mr.
Wallice about a couple of things, and I wondered whether I could pass my invoices on to his accountant so that maybe we could process those - and not have to bother you.
- And have him pay you.
Would you like to be working for him instead? - Is that what you're saying? - Oh, no.
'Cause if that's what you're saying, then go find that job, and you're no longer welcome here.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was not at all What-- what I was saying.
I'm so sorry if you thought that that was my way of - That's what I heard.
- No, no.
Mr.
Wallice was just explaining to me that I basically work for the Wallices, - and your accountant is-- - There is no such thing as "The Wallices" right now.
- Okay.
- Maybe you haven't noticed.
- Okay.
- Maybe you've had your eyes glued shut and your ears plugged.
But "The Wallices" - No-- - Are not together right now.
Right.
I did notice that, 'cause I was shipping some clothes to-- he--he didn't wind up stopping back in Philly - the last time he did his-- - Yes.
That's what I noticed too.
I sent him a Fed-Ex box of some clothes Oh, how kind of you to help him out.
Oh, you're welcome.
No, no, no.
I'm just trying to lighten the load a little bit for the family, and I know these are tense times, so whatever you guys need, I'm here for you.
So just-- I want you to know that - so that you feel comfortable-- - Oh, you're good as gold, aren't you? A-a-are-- okay, I'm sensing something Okay, I feel like-- I'm sweating on my back, and I know that that means that I'm getting tense.
So what I want to ask you is if--if-- are you unhappy with me? Because I got a couple of calls from Gina at Lachman Brothers and two voicemails asking to maybe meet with you to be your administrative assistant.
- Oh, no, no.
- If you're looking - to make a change-- - No, I'm not having Gina here.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
They're having some problems over at Lachman Brothers, - that's for sure.
- Oh.
But Gina has no job with me.
She has no place with me in my world whatsoever.
I don't want Gina in my home office.
- Right.
- Thank you very much.
I'm done with Gina.
So please Remove her from my property if she even shows up here.
Great.
Okay.
Whew! Okay, good.
'Cause I-- that's a huge relief that you're happy with me, because that's-- I want you to be happy with me.
Good.
So you have your job.
I did not fire you.
- Thank you.
- You will not be speaking - to Kip anymore.
- Got it.
- Okay.
- Done.
And no more complaints.
Uh, no more complaints.
I got it.
That's perfect.
I did not know I had that.
- What? - That was Mr.
Wallice.
There was one last thing that was on his to-do list which I had done, thankfully, already, so we can consider that in the Not the t--not the to-do file, but the already-- All right, why don't you find the words, and I'm gonna go back to work.
- Right.
- Bye-bye.
Yes.
Yes, I'll hold, but I'm not happy about it.
I, uh-- Jerome! - Jerome, do me a favor.
- What? Can you turn the water off? Why does it have to run the entire time you're in the restroom? I did.
I put the water on.
It's a shameful waste, and it's noisy! I put it on.
I did.
It's off.
It is off.
I have it on because of The noise-- Okay.
Thank you.
And did you light a candle? - I did.
I-I had to.
- All right.
- I lit it, actually-- - Thank you, Jerome.
- Okay.
- Hello? Oh, good.
Are you, um, the very top person I can speak to? Well, I wasn't here when the package arrived, so I would like to retrieve it.
Oh, it's insured? Really? Well, for how much? My--what? - Well - Well! - Well! - Hello, Robert.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Well, it's very exciting to be sitting face-to-face with the most infamous man in America right now.
Yeah, well, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
That's, uh--Roman Polanski said that, I think.
I agree! Well That's true! I-I've been able to get a table in every restaurant in town.
Oh.
Have you been allowed out? No.
But I've been able to get the reservation really-- - like this .
- Wow! Yeah.
But I can't go out.
Oh! That's exciting! Well, when you can, let me know, and we can celebrate.
I'll take you out to dinner.
I can't imagine what your life is like at the moment.
Can I tell you? There's something to this being notorious that I could never have imagined.
It's given me kind of a new perspective.
- I-I-- - Are there cameras outside the house just at all times? There's all manner of media prowling the grounds.
I'm, of course, house-bound.
- Right.
- So but I can peek.
I can peek, I can peek, I can peek, and I do.
Well, it's the best.
Because you're not looking for it.
- It's just coming at you.
- That's right.
It's--it's-- you know what they say, that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
And the moss is coming to me even though I'm not rolling around.
- It's the oddest thing.
- If moss were a good thing, then that would apply.
Oh, and also-- Well, in certain cultures moss is good.
Moss is used to burn, is used for insulation.
Yeah.
Oh, that's true.
Oh, you always have such interesting little pockets of knowledge on you.
Um, I also just wanted to let you know that I did receive an anonymous package in the mail - Mm-hmm.
- That, uh I was very happy to receive.
I mean, as lovely as it looks on you, and as becoming as it is, and as much as you're made to wear those things, I don't have any idea what you're talking about.
Oh.
Okay.
Anyway, I think we can work something out now.
So now you-- you, uh, you will agree to say that you've been treating me for the last three years for Addictive Risk Syndrome, better known as Richard Branson, Evel Knievel Chagas Myasthenia? Something like that? Well, we'll work on The naming of it.
Too many syllables.
Too many syllables.
Absolutely.
Well, it's not very simple.
You could have telethons with people walking around in circles, and you could actually say, "Look at them, they're risking.
" Look at them, they're risking.
And it would be for all these people for taking risks.
And you could have a tote board.
I mean, it would be quite amazing.
Well, you're always the showman, aren't you? - That is interesting.
- Always thinking.
Always percolating.
- Well, good for you.
- Yes.
As long as I'm not dishonest with it, then, yes, I will absolutely help and say that I am treating you and have been treating you for a while, you know.
There might even be a place for a book in it or maybe even a-- maybe we can do kind of an infomercial on it.
There's a lot of risk-takers out there, a lot of people risking at this very moment.
Risking everything.
Risking it all.
Certainly.
Certainly.
Again, I appreciate your wisdom and your strength.
You're a woman.
A modern woman.
Good.
Beautiful.
Bedecked.
Speaking of--of beautiful, I'm just wondering, how is, uh How is Mandy handling all of this? No disrespect intended, but she did always seem to be sort of a fair weather wife.
Um, Mandy has always been a very mercurial, uh volatile woman.
Uh, when you entered the picture, in the fascinating way that you enter most pictures, um she became aroused but not in the way that I fantasize about.
Oh, you She became No, I-it--it-- yes, it's funny to people on the outside looking in.
But on the inside looking out Oh, you're just so naughty! Clawing at the windows-- it was very frightening.
Even with all that's going on, you are still trying to pitch for a threesome with your wife and I.
- It's just hilarious to me.
- I'm a man.
- I'm a man and, uh - You certainly are! Two two is not enough.
Give me three.
Give me ten.
Yeah, well, three's company.
That's a show that was on in the '70s.
I don't know if you saw it, but I thought it was funny.
No.
Didn't see it.
Well, I suppose every media outlet is clamoring to sit down with you for an interview.
Oh, you have no idea.
There was one psycho who was climbing up on a ladder who's from Indonesia.
- Oh, yes.
- Indonesia! Of course, the irony is that-- ha ha--I'm not allowed to give any interviews at all.
That's what my lawyers are suggesting.
Well, they're insisting.
- Right.
- I can't speak to anybody.
Well, that seems wise, of course.
If you'd like someone to speak for you, speak out for you on your behalf, I'd be happy to to, uh Offer my services in that regard.
What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, I'm your therapist, so I'm treating you.
I could speak to, you know, the disorder that you have and how you're really just a victim and you're, you know, a perfectly wonderful man.
Yeah, but wouldn't that Wouldn't that violate our-- our Confidentiality clause? Not if we're both in agreement on it.
Yeah.
I-I think-- I think you could do that.
But because I am suffering from this syndrome, maybe it would be better if your face was cloaked or blotted out or pixilated in a way so that you couldn't be recognized.
Also your voice maybe could be changed.
But just my name could be there then.
Yeah.
I think the name could also be blotted out as well.
Well, just--just for confidentiality's sake.
I think it's important to protect a sick person such as myself, okay? I think so too.
Oh Well yeah.
Well, um let me just give it some thought, all right? - Is that okay? - What exactly is it that you want to think about? Well, just the mechanics of how you can be my spokesperson without violating my trust.
I'm a very sick man.
I promise I won't violate you in any way that you don't want to be violated.
Wow.
Shades of yesteryear.
Well, you started it with the whispering.
- Hey! Hey! - Yeah.
Lachman.
Lachman, you're on the Internet? - What is it? - Well, uh You know you're prohibited from using the Internet.
- Who's this? - I--wh-who are you? My name is Agent Whitaker.
I am with the S.
E.
C.
Oh, that's fine, Agent Whitaker.
Right now you're interrupting a session between a therapist and client.
- It's therapy.
- Therapy.
He's prohibited from using the Internet.
He's in treatment for a very serious risk disorder-- - I'm sick! - Called Fiona Wallice Syndrome.
- Fiona Wallice Syndrome.
- Yeah.
It's a very well-known syndrome.
- Fiona Wallice, that-- - So it's named for myself.
- I discovered the syndrome.
- Oh, that's you.
- You're Fiona Wallice.
- Yes, I am.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you used to be on the payroll of Lachman Brothers at one point in time.
Is that correct? You know what? I'm sorry.
I have another client.
Listen, I'm gonna need to, uh-- coming in that I need to pop off.
- I'm gonna need to depose you.
- I'm so sorry.
I really don't have-- I don't have time.
- Hi.
- Well, hello, Robert.
Hi.
Fine.
Where have you been? I haven't asked.
But, um, I need to let this session serve as documentation for my terminating you as a client.
You're going to kill me? I will terminate-- no.
I have to terminate treatment with you.
W-why? I thought everything was going really well.
You should have someone look at that twitch you have.
Um, also I don't have a lot of time.
I'm expecting a call from my book agent.
We're in the middle of a bidding war for my book Whistling While I Worked.
So it turns out that the whistle blower is an extremely heroic figure and something everyone's interested in.
W-whistle blower? You're writing a book called Whistle While I Worked? Yes.
While I worked at Lachman Brothers.
- Of course.
- Uh-huh.
Once they wanted to depose me, I had to cooperate And so I was very happy to.
You are somethin'.
You really are somethin'.
Well, you know I left Lachman Brothers.
I resigned because I was uncomfortable with some of the financial dealings-- - especially that one account - Wrong! With the securities that I had never heard of before.
But you told me to just keep the paperwork moving through, - and I did what I was told.
- Wrong! Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong.
You're doing something.
You're doing something that I never thought that you would sink to, but you are.
You're fantasizing, aren't you? Because let me tell you the real circumstances about why you left Lachman Brothers, okay? Because you got wind of the fact that you were actually going be let go.
That's right.
Ccchhh! Fired.
Kaput.
And so you wanted to get even, didn't you? You wanted to get even, and you wanted to make it seem like I was sexually harassing you.
Hence, the suit.
That's malarkey.
That's bologna.
That's folderol.
So there wasn't any, um, inappropriate behavior coming from you? - Well, I-- - In a sexual way? There was some inappropriate behavior coming back to me.
I mean, my God, I never saw anybody use printer toner for lubricant.
- Well - You introduced that to me! Yeah! What's the matter? See, I caught you.
I feel like I absolutely caught you.
Well, I don't know how to participate in this kind of mythology, is all.
Well, none of it was mentioned in my letter of resignation, which I have here.
I mean, I did write it to you.
"To whom it may concern, I hereby submit this letter of resignation," blah, blah, blah, blah.
"I'm employed by Lachman Brothers seven years.
"Can no longer work in silence "while remaining witness to varied moral, ethical, "and illegal transgressions.
"I've experienced too many situations "that left me feeling personally compromised - and morally threatened.
" - Ooh, yes.
"And my upbringing won't allow me to go into - the unsavory details" - Your upbringing? "of the actions I've witnessed.
"So please accept this letter "as my intent to withdraw myself.
Respectfully submitted, Fiona Wallice.
" - You received a copy of this.
- Yes, I remember.
Yeah.
I filed it under fiction! Let me tell you something, young lady.
You're writing a book.
I can't write a book.
My hands are tied.
But if I could write a book, I'd write a book about a young woman who's hungry, who's bitter, who uses her body to get things that her mind and ambition are too low to obtain for her.
And I would also tell the story of a young man with a swimmer's build, perfect v-shaped back, tight pecs, good delts.
Thin wrists.
And he took that girl and gave her, yes, a little pity and also a little bit of this, huh? And that's what this was! And that's what you were to me and that's what I was to you.
I'm sorry to interrupt the soul-crushing details that you're providing, but I really do need to get moving along.
Yeah, you'll get moving along.
You already got paid, didn't you? As I recall, a nice, fat, juicy severance package.
Huh? Does that ring a bell? Hmm? Hmm? I had negotiated a severance package when I resigned.
Yeah.
Fine.
Let's have it back.
The jewelry.
Let's have it back.
I'm sorry.
I--there were some jewels that I received anonymously in a package, but I've since sold them and put that money into gold.
Are you kidding? That jewelry Has history on it.
Every bauble, every bangle, every bead belches history! Back to where the Lachmans were pursued by Cossacks into the shtetl in the pogrom.
They had these jewels with them, and they transported them back to me to give to you which you've now sold, and now that I want them back! What an interesting version of history your family has where people with riches leave their fancy homes and manses into little shtetls in the pale of settlement.
That's fascinating and really noteworthy.
Or maybe you're talking about the shtetl of-- of Paris? Maybe the famous pogrom of the Seizieme Arrondissement? I don't know.
Don't try to dazzle me with your command of history and obscure foreign languages.
Just get back to me what is rightfully mine.
Give it back to me! Well, clearly, you're a rageaholic, which actually is an addiction that I do believe in, however, sadly, I don't specialize in.
So I'm going to have to say good-bye I'm not a rageaholic.
I'll tell you what I am! - I wish you well.
- I am a man scorn-- All right.
Whistling While I worked.
Chapter 1.
I am born.
"Modern Day Joan of Arc Or me?" Erin Brockovich.
"Stunning Debut.
" John Grisham.
"Encore, Encore.
" Truman Capote.
Wait.
Junior.
There's a lot of risk takers out there, a lot of people risking at this very moment, risking everything, risking it all.
You know, that is a good idea.
Yeah.
It would be good.
- I-I-- - Wait one second.
Are you okay? Is there somebody off Off monitor there? No.
I just forgot where we were going.
Ha.
Okay.
Two is not enough.
Give me three.
Give me ten.
Yeah, well, three's company.
That's a show that was on in the '70s.
I don't know if you saw it.
But I thought it was funny.
No.
Didn't see it.
But, um I'm--we're firm? Uh I think we need to cut because my eyes are tearing! That jewelry goes back several generations of Lachmans to when we were forced out of a pogrom! Out of a pogrom! A shtetl! In Eastern Europe, okay? - My aunt, my great-aunt-- - That's an interesting story, 'cause everyone knows How bejeweled the shtetl Jews we-- A woman who clawed rubbed and tugged her way to comfort-- that's you! And let me tell you something.
All the way to comfort?