Web Therapy (2011) s01e10 Episode Script

Previously on Web Therapy So you can practice being assertive, I want you to look up the following account number on your computer to access this account.
Oh, oh, Dr.
Wallice, I don't have clearance for that.
That is linked to, uh, Kip Wallice.
- That's right.
- Yeah? - That's my husband.
- Oh.
All right, just read me the most recent - Okay.
- Charges.
Uh, Tinker Fella and, um, Guns & Poses.
Mr.
Wallice was just explaining to me that--that I basically work for the Wallices, and your accountant is--okay.
There is no such thing as "the Wallices" right now.
And my patients are just sitting there on hold.
I've just shoved them aside.
I can't speak.
How many patients do you have? Do they have computers? Well, Ted Mitchell, you have a very interesting list of clients.
Also, I don't have a lot of time.
I'm expecting a call from my book agent.
We're in the middle of a bidding war for my book, uh, Whistling While I Worked.
You're writing a book called Whistle While I Worked? Yes, while I worked at Lachman Brothers, of course.
Jerome, what are you doing? Oh, Dr.
Wallice, I was just getting a bite of-- I forgot to eat lunch today.
Okay.
Listen, these-- what you've done on my book, - Yeah.
- This isn't very good writing.
It's not that interesting.
Well, it's a first draft.
It really is a first draft.
I'm trying to, like, knock through the whole thing first, and then we can go back and maybe together we can sort of do a rewrite.
Well, I'm busy.
I have things to do.
- Why, of course.
- I was hoping I could just - give you this little task - Yeah, yeah.
And you can assemble the book for me.
Well, I have been.
I've been working nonstop to try to get through the book, and all the-- I'm leaving some holes in some of the chapters where I sort of need a little bit of input from you, but I am going as fast as I can.
So, I have to write it myself.
In other words, I can't really count on you to help.
- Oh, no.
- I mean, you left out the whole part in my childhood where I told you that I-- that I had donated to that adopt-a-child fund in another country.
Right.
And I gave $5 a week - Right.
- For three weeks.
Yes, I had a post-it about that, and I had a question about it, because when I-- well, I got the name of the-- of the child that--that-- - Oh, you did? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and are they famous now - No, no, no.
- Or doing very well - Well, actually there was-- - Or wanna thank me, or No, not a thank you.
There was a letter in the file, but it was really just a sad little note - written kind of in crayon - Mm-hmm.
About why, after three weeks, there was--there were no more pennies coming in.
It was a lot of money, and I was a child and I lost interest.
Right.
Well, I'm gonna try to put that-- I'll spin that.
I'll spin that in the book.
Well, yes, you have to look up.
- Right.
- I think $5 a week would get them, you know, a--a water pump - Okay.
- Or a bicycle tire, or something useful for them.
Very, you know, meaningless to us, - but useful for them.
- Right.
Well, okay.
All right, that--that makes sense, and-- I accomplished something, and I was very generous when I was young.
It started there, and that's the whole point.
Now I'm in service to everyone.
Got ya.
Okay.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Like, it sort of gives the whole thing sort of an arc.
I will say that the chapter on your childhood is a particular challenge for me, because I-- honestly, I don't know that much about your childhood.
So, I--I've been trying to sort of draw from my own childhood-- Well, that's not my childhood, your childhood.
That's a ridiculous thing to do.
- Well-- - It has to be my childhood, - not yours.
- Right.
No, but in the sense that-- in the ways in which all children sort of grow up in a certain way, and play, and bicycle riding.
And your mom, I'm sure Putsy Hodge at some point was a Brownie troop leader.
- Never.
- I put a whole--no? - No.
- Okay, so, I'm gonna-- I still have some rewriting to do in that area, and maybe you and I can spitball some ideas back and forth so I can sort of fill that in.
No, maybe I left out some tapes or something.
- Great.
- I'll try to come up with something else to say - and then you write it.
- You know, I have to say, I was talking to Hailey a lot about the book, and she's really, really good at sort of drawing people out.
Maybe the three of us can have lunch, because-- what a wonderful idea.
I can open up to Hailey.
I can crack myself open to Hailey, who loves and adores me.
- Well-- - Oh, it's like being wrapped in a warm blanket - It's a skill set.
- With spikes - It's a skill set of hers.
- And tarantulas that bite.
Well, I don't know about that, but-- - Great suggestion, Jerome.
- Well-- Thank you very much.
I'll pass.
She did have one suggestion that I think is something we should talk about, which is sort of what my-- this contribution is huge of mine to this book.
I'm basically writing it.
Oh, if you don't say so yourself.
Yeah, and I wondered if we can maybe call-- you know, maybe I can get a credit, like "with Jerome Sokoloff" credit or-- Well, you're writing it, but mostly what you're doing - is just assembling it.
- Right.
Okay.
- They're my ideas.
- Edited maybe-- I gave you tapes.
I gave you my deposition - for the--from the S.
E.
C.
- Yeah.
I--I mean, it's all my words.
How about "Edited by Jerome Sokoloff"? No, there is an editor from the publisher's.
"As told to Jerome Sokoloff"? No, that's way-- it makes you way too important in the process.
You're merely just assembling things that I've already thought of and imagined.
"Special--special thanks to Jerome Sokoloff"? Something.
We'll figure out something, all right? - Oh, great.
- What, do you want us all to hold our breath? Moment of applause for Jerome Sokoloff, everybody? That would be-- - Silly.
- Yeah, silly.
- Right.
- That's not a good--I mean-- I know.
I'll come up with something - that's a little more.
- Thank you.
- Appropriate.
- Thank you.
That would be-- I appreciate that.
And the whole chapter that you call "The Photo Essay" - Mm-hmm.
- Is gonna be great, but I have that all look like they were taken on the same day.
I mean, different color outfits, but-- - Different outfits.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Is that-- Because there's one phenomenal photo of me, - Yeah? - So they're all in-- - I just like colorforms.
- Right.
- Remember those? - Yes.
So, I just put different-- photoshopped different outfits.
Sometimes I'm with famous people.
- Right.
- You know, and we'll see if I'm allowed to do that or not.
- You're not.
- I'm not.
- You're not.
- All right, well, I think it's enough to see me in something that's blue and wintery - Okay.
- And then something that's you know, yellow and casual.
- Okay.
- It's different sides of me, - All right, so-- - You know, but the same-- - that pose.
- Right, well, that is.
Okay, so, I'll lay that out in a way so that I-- you can approve it or-- and we'll put that in the middle of the book.
And if you find any photos, any actual photos - from your actual life - All right.
- That would be great.
- Anything else? Yeah.
No, there's just a couple little-- you know, one of my jobs is a fact checker for you, and, you know, it's com-- you can check, actually, uh, if you have ever been in the Peace Corps.
- Oh.
- So, when you transcribed that whole story about living in the tents and taking care of the grass-hutted people - Right, yes.
- That's actually-- you're not actually listed as anybody who's ever been in the Peace Corps.
- I see.
Yeah.
- Yeah, it's-- No, that's because that was my college roommate - who had done that.
- Oh.
Right.
It needs to be substantiated.
So, you might wanna find something else that you can talk about that we can actually substantiate.
- Okay.
- Yeah? Anything-- - Fair enough.
- Any other, maybe, projects, or social service, or anything that you might've done? Fair enough.
I'll come up with something.
- Oh, right.
- All right? - You let me know.
Okay.
- All right.
Listen, I'm busy, so I wanna go.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Okay, well, I'm gonna get working on this, and I'm gonna try to, uh, get it done maybe by the end of the month.
- Okay.
- And we can have-- Well, sooner than the end of the month.
I need it tomorrow.
Hello, Austen.
I'm Fiona Wallice.
- Hello, Fiona.
- It's nice to meet you.
You're--you are the Austen Clarke, are you not? Yes.
Oh, well, it's an honor to meet you, - I have to say! - Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, I've always been so impressed with you.
I've seen you interviewed, and I'll never forget the one with Meredith Vieira.
- You had her just shaking.
- Oh, yes.
- Well-- - That was wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Oh, and I have to tell you, I also held my breath with the rest of the world when your hot air balloon went down over Indonesia.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes.
Thank goodness for those indigenous peoples - who helped me out.
- Yes, thank goodness - for having them.
- One of them's actually, uh-- Katut is actually, uh, the copilot in the cockpit up at the front.
Oh, you gave him a job.
Isn't that wonderful! Well, he saved my life.
What else could I do? He saved your life, and then you saved theirs.
I heard you had purchased the island.
I bought the island, yeah, yeah.
It's, you know, part of my, uh, hotel chain there.
Oh, isn't that wonderful that you brought commerce to an impoverished region.
Well, it was-- it was the least I could do.
You know, I--I--I was a dead man.
Isn't that funny how you-- you never know whether the media's got the story right, because, see, they didn't mention that part.
Well, then again, you own the media anyway.
I kind of control that part of the media.
So, I guess you are in control.
How humble of you not to let that part out, that you gave a job to one of those unfortunate people.
Yeah.
I--I kind of, um, don't like to kind of blow my own trumpet.
Oh, well, how noble of you.
How very old-fashioned of you to use such a word.
Unlike a therapist, I might say, which brings me to the point.
I know we've got to be quick, 'cause this is, uh, a three-minute thing.
Oh, well, I'll start the timer now.
- Don't worry.
- Oh, okay.
Um, I just wanna say-- you know, I'm a businessman.
I want to just be as frank and, uh, business-like as I can.
I'm not sure this is gonna work, uh, Ms.
Wallice.
I have been with my therapist Ted, uh, who you know, for many years, and, uh, he obviously recommended me to you.
And, so, I--I respect you.
And he's referred all of his clients to me, by the way, so why don't you just give it a shot? I--I will, I will.
Uh, have you spoken to him? Uh, from time to time.
Yes, I am allowed to speak with him.
Um, when he behaves, you know, they do allow him Internet access, and then-- In--in the-- in the mental hospital? Yes, at the facility.
Yes.
And sometimes they do put a--a phone next to his ear, you know, if So you-- you can talk to him.
Yes.
Sometimes he does insist, and it's the only thing that will calm him down.
But I think I've divulged too much, because he is sort of a patient.
Of course.
I understand.
- You understand, of course.
- Yeah.
= Then very good.
= But he's in good hands.
- Good, good.
- As are you.
Okay, well, then, um, better get a move on.
Yes, I'd say so.
- Uh-- - Let's start now.
- Okay, Fiona, um-- - What seems to be the problem? Me, I think.
Uh, I just--I--I-- you know, I'm, uh, a very successful man.
- Yes.
- Uh I'm, uh, also a slightly lonely man.
- Oh.
- I just seem to always be with women who are very critical of me, and very demanding, and just, uh, always seem to see the negative in everything I do, and I--I wonder why that is.
That-- - I just broke up with, uh - Oh.
Someone again, and, uh, I-- the same old problems with the same old things.
I wasn't--I wasn't perceived as being kind enough or-- - Not kind enough? - That was what she said.
Well, maybe she didn't have a conversation with Katut about how kind you are.
Um, that's--that's-- that's good.
I feel, you know, you're pressing some nice buttons, but, also, the whole thing-- another issue is sex.
You know, I like sex.
I'm fine.
I--I like, uh-- but I--I feel I get excitement in lots of ways in my life, and I'm much more interested in a woman's mind, and I think that sometimes this interests me more than this.
Is that wrong? Ted seemed to think so.
Well, it sounds to me that you're the perfect human being If you must know the truth.
You know, I'm sorry, but I--I'm really excited, because, at long last, I've met an individual who needs no help at all.
Oh, come on.
Fiona, that's Well, what other mythical problems do you possess? Well, you know, there's the whole thing of all these, uh, openings and meetings with foreign dignitaries.
And, you know, I remember one time in the second to last relationship, I had to have a lunch with the Queen and, you know-- - of England? - Yeah.
And you don't always, uh, get a plus one to those sorts of things, and that, whoa, that was a big deal.
Um - Really? - Yeah.
Well, that seems a shame that a person can't be generous enough to be a cheerleader for someone who's doing so much in the world.
I mean, I think that is one of the markers of a good, balanced relationship.
Yeah, and there's no kind of bitching about not getting to curtsy to her majesty.
Let me ask you something.
Um, do you, um, ever feel like you would like to settle down? No.
No, that's another problem.
I just--I-- I want to live life and enjoy it, you know? And that is a problem why? I mean, I'm just speaking for myself.
I'm trying to extricate myself from a 17-year marriage that is no longer working.
- So, and that's no longer-- - I wouldn't have imagined you'd be married for that length of time.
Oh, well, you're very kind.
I was young when we got married, but-- - I bet.
- Um, and it's not working.
So, where is the joy in that? Marriage is really not for everyone.
It's like business.
If it's broken, fix it.
If it's not Sell it.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
That's what we're working on right now.
It's so nice to hear a woman who shares that basic tenet of life.
Mm.
Do you ever, uh, feel like you need to have children? No.
Definitely not.
Yes.
The world is populated with children.
- Why add to it? - I think so too.
You know, that was something Ted could never relate to.
I would say, "I would rather buy an orphanage than have a child.
" Mm.
He didn't seem to understand that.
Oh, and I think that is so noble.
Thank you very much.
That's very kind of you.
It's very nice use of the word noble.
Don't hear that very often.
Well, you probably do.
You were knighted, weren't you? - I--I was, yeah.
- Oh, forgive me.
I wasn't calling you "Sir Clarke.
" - Oh, please.
I don't-- - "Sir Austen.
" I don't like that, and my fans actually joke about it.
They call me Sac-- Sir Austen Clarke.
Fun! Sac.
- Sac.
- Yeah.
That's funny.
Oh, your friends sound wonderful.
Uh, Fiona, this is, uh, amazing.
But, uh, maybe we should, you know-- perhaps I could buy some more session-- could I buy some more sessions? Well, you don't really need it, but I would like it.
- I would like it, Fiona.
- All right, well, uh-- How about tomorrow? How's tomorrow for you? Could I buy a week? Jerome, I told you I needed the book immediately! Oh.
And that's all of it? No, I need all of it, Jerome.
All right, don't bother with the dedication.
I'll do that.
- Hello, Austen, again.
- Hello.
It's nice to see you.
You, too, Fiona.
It's so nice to see you.
You know, is about an hour, and so it defeats the whole purpose.
I don't care.
I feel so great.
I--I just, uh No matter how many times you change your shirt You're still not going to convince me it's a new day.
It's a new day somewhere.
I mean, you know, I'm not sure what time zone we're in.
You're probably flying through it right now.
- I am.
- Yes, exactly.
Katut's ironing lots of different outfits as we speak, 'cause I'm going to wear another one for the next session.
- You're ironing? - I feel so great.
Or someone you've rescued is ironing for you, I'm sure.
- Katut, yeah.
- Oh.
I'm just-- I feel so good, Fiona.
And I just can't-- I've never felt this good.
I just, you know, I don't know how I can-- how can I repay you? You've done so much for me.
- Oh, Austen.
- And I would like to do something for you.
Well, that alone is such a wonderful endorsement to me personally, you know? - Well, just name it.
- Well, I--oh, if--all right.
Well, if I may impose-- Of cour-- uh, yes, please.
I, um, shouldn't even be bringing this up, but-- - Come on.
- I--I--I have written a book, - Really? - And there have been - many offers made.
- Really? And I really would appreciate your--your business acumen in--in figuring out, or navigating, or negotiating, which-- Please.
Yes, what can I do? What would be the best-- well, if you don't mind, may I send you the offers that have come in, - So that you could - That would be great.
That would be my pleasure.
See them? All right, there.
All right, well, I just-- I emailed it to you.
Okay.
And then if you could, just, you know, in your own time, or if you get it now, that would be fine too.
Yeah.
Oh, here it is.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I got--I see there's two offer--three offers.
- Okay.
- And, uh, what's this? Whistling Wh-- is this the book? Whistling While I Worked is my book! - Whistling while I worked.
- Oh, no, have I sent you the book as well? - You sent me the book, yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
It must've been attached.
- And I-- - Well, saves us one step.
I'm just gonna--I can-- I can read it now, as well, if you'd like me to do that.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh You know, I--I have some publishing acumen.
I would be very happy to, uh-- well, just-- Oh, no.
Oh, dear.
Well, don't look at page three, whatever you do.
Fiona You've dedicated the book to me? - Well - Fiona You are an inspiration.
If you must know, my secret is that I have admired you for so long, and in terms of doing the right thing, you--you are the spokesperson for that notion.
Wow.
Pl--let me-- what can-- you know, I--I could-- I could publish this book.
I've got publishing houses, and let me publish it.
- You do? Really, you have-- - I've got--yeah.
And if you're at all-- look, we could do an internal bidding war between my own companies, if you like, if that makes you feel any better.
But, please, let me pay you back in some small way, please.
Austen, that's so generous of you, - and of course I-- - Please.
I defer to whatever guidance you would offer.
My--my professional opinion is that you say yes right now.
Then yes! Who am I to argue? Well, uh, as your publisher-- Yes, sir? That's more like it.
I, uh, think it's imperative that we, uh, shake on it.
- Oh, all right.
- But not through a computer.
- Well - I want to come and take you out to dinner to celebrate our business collaboration.
Well, that sounds like an impossibility, as you're clearly on your way somewhere.
I'm go--I'm go-- I'm going to Monaco.
I've got to--I have a meeting with prince Albert tonight, but I'm gonna turn this-- I can tell Katut to get this plane turned back around to wherever you are.
I need to see you, and we need to-- You can't stand up the prince of Monaco - I can stand-- - So that you can thank me in person for feeling kind of good about yourself.
- That's really silly.
- I would ditch prince Albert.
Oh, Austen.
Can--do you want to do something for me? You know I do.
Anything.
What? It's a big imposition, but I would love your opinion of my book.
- Oh, of course.
- And now that you have it, yes.
And I'm going to publish it.
And you're going to publish it, you should read what you're going to publish.
So, um, I-- Very good.
Yup.
I see what you're--yes.
- I'll stay here.
- Keep this-- - and you can read, - What-- - and if anything comes up - And you'll stay in the-- on the--on the computer? Yes.
Okay, 'cause it's gonna take me a while but-- Well, I think we have some time.
I think we do.
I think we have a whole lifetime ahead of us, Fiona.
Well Okay, here it goes.
And I won't charge you for the first half hour.
- That's my girl! - I should let you read.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, good.
What--what-- what part did you laugh at? You misspelled "there.
" Dr.
Wallice, I left you eight messages.
Please call me back.
Someone's trying to reach you.
And I Hello? Hello.
I don't-- Okay, I found it.
Oh, hello, Jerome.
- Dr.
Wallice.
- Hello.
Listen, thank you for staying late.
- Yeah.
- I guess you got my--my email.
I--listen, I need to-- I need you to cancel all of my clients, 'cause clearly I'm not there.
Right.
No, I will, I will, but, you know-- I'm flying around in an airplane.
Dr.
Wallice, your husband is looking for you.
He's back, and I don't know-- - Oh.
- I mean, it's kind of awkward.
I don't really know-- - Jerome.
- Yeah? - Are you talking to her? - Yeah, she's-- would you mind excusing us? Thank you.
I need to talk to her alone.
Honey, where are you? I just got back.
I need to talk to you.
- Darling, darling, look here.
- Well, I'm on a plane.
Here's the mock-up of next month's, uh, edition.
Oh, look at that! Isn't that exci--look at that.
That's--Austen is going to publish my book, and he's gonna put me on the cover of one of his magazines.
Oh, my God.
Austen Clarke? - Yes, that's me.
- Yes.
Well, hi.
How do you do? Hello.
And you are? Uh, Kip Wallice.
- Uh, your brother? - Austen Clarke, no, Kip-- - you have a brother? - Kip is the husband I had been talking about.
Which? The--your husband? Your ex-husband? - Not--not ex.
- Yes.
Yes.
What--what do you mean ex? I've been away five days on a business trip.
What's transpired? You didn't see my email? The collection of evidence that I sent you? Sweetheart, you're overreacting.
Evidence is-- it's hardly the term.
Fiona, this was-- I'm sorry, um, Kip.
But-- No, no, no.
This is a misunderstanding.
He's refusing to see the truth.
- The truth? - You led me to believe that-- he says five days.
You led me to believe that you were-- Well, it's in the past.
Yes, I--I mean, uh, the present is here with you now, so-- What--what are you saying? Okay, I'm fine with that.
What am I saying is I'm not going to stay with a man I'm fine with that.
That's good.
Who takes some spin partner to a hotel room and then leaves her because it turns out she's not a man.
Sweetheart, that was a conspiracy.
There are people in my office who are trying to bring me down to sabotage my career.
- Oh.
- I'll say.
I can explain everything to you, and I can't believe that you wouldn't trust me.
I'm actually-- Oh, you can't believe that I wouldn't trust you, when you go off to a hotel room with that-- with that woman.
Sweetheart, we--we have to talk.
We have to talk, and I need you to come home right now because something has come up, and I need to talk to you about it.
Oh, really? Well, some other things have come up.
Like, um, let's see-- some purchases at Manly & Lacy.
Oh.
Midnight tran to Georgia.
Novelty items for a-- a bachelor party in my office.
What--what more could it be? What bachelor needs transvestite items? I'd like to know.
Well, actually, it's quite common.
One of the senators who came to our office was having a bachelor party, and I said, "we'll just throw you a party," and we got some items.
Oh, was it Dawes? Yes, it was, as a matter of fact.
All right.
Well, that's a possib-- - Dawes? - Well, that's a possibility.
It's true! Why would I make this up? Okay, then what about the membership to-- You've_got_Shemale.
com.
A membership, Kip.
A very disgruntled, uh, intern in my office is trying to sabotage me, and he's been doing so for several weeks.
I caught him on the Internet on that website, and he signed me up.
- Well, it's possible.
- It's feasible.
Disgruntled.
Spurned or disgruntled.
I don't know.
I don't know is really the answer, Kip.
You know, there's really not a thing you could tell me to change my mind right now.
- Really? - And you know why? You see this? This is a magazine.
I'm aware of that.
It's called Austen Clarke's Kingdom, and look who's on the cover.
The new Princess of Austen Clarke's Kingdom.
Well, Princess, how would you like to be the wife of a congressman? - Me? - No, not you.
My wife Fiona.
- What? - I--I--I--I-- is it real? What are you saying? And where did this come from? John McCain called me personally.
He told me my chances were very good, that I could win District 17.
Philadelphia, District 17? Yes.
Yeah, that's a totally safe seat for a republican.
It is? And it's a big one.
You bet it is.
Fiona Is this what you really want? Well, it's been Kip's dream since as long as I've known him, you know? Look, sweetheart-- But being--he can still be elected a congressman when he's divorced, surely.
- No, not really.
- No.
I think that could hurt, actually.
Not in District 17.
I don't think it would work.
No, it's a non-starter.
True enough, yeah, yeah.
And, Mr.
Clarke, I would really appreciate your endorsement if you would be so kind and willing.
And I think if we all could have dinner together when you get back-- wherever you're going-- and when you come back, I'd love to take you both out to dinner and we can discuss all this, because something obviously needs to be explained.
We're actually on our way to To Bali.
- To Bali? - SoYes.
The country.
But we won't be there for very long, will we? Sweetheart, think of everything we've dreamed about all these years.
When we first met in that theater bar in New York City, remember what we discussed? Remember? I said, "I could be in Congress someday and you could be right by my side.
" We could adopt a child.
We've always talked about it.
We'd be the perfect family.
Suddenly, you're adopting a child.
We were caught up.
We saw cats and we thought that it would be nice to nurture something and-- yes.
Think of our future.
Think of the possibilities.
Think of the Vanity Fair articles.
Think of the dinner that our own table-- Have you been contacted by Graden Carter already or-- We could have our own table at the Waverly Inn.
Sweetheart, they want a decision tonight.
I need to know.
Are you with me? Well, could we not just turn the plane around? It's--there's things that-- Oh, my God, Fiona.
My heart is breaking.
Oh, Austen, calm down.
It's only temporary.
I just need her until after the election and then it's her decision.
Oh.
Katut, can you turn it around? Does he speak English? Well, he knows his name.
Katut! I know I want to be with people who don't make demands on me And who just want to enjoy life.
I have a great life.
I need someone around me-- It's the bird.
I know! It's like, "how interesting.
" That's my pet parrot.
"We have the same bird.
" Yeah.
You must be flying overhead.
It's only temporary.
I need her until after the election and then it's her decision.
Oh.
Katut! I don't--the plane-- It was too much.
Oh, I got you!