Web Therapy (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Campaign Reform

Previously on Web Therapy Well, this is a fantasy relationship you have, because Kip happens to be very much in love with his wife.
We're in love.
It hasn't gotten physical yet, but his little "business trip" this weekend in Atlanta Meet Atlanta.
The reason he told me that he couldn't perform is that he said he only hit on me to begin with [Gasps] Because he thought-- he thought I was a transvestite! - What? - What? Of course he wasn't turned on by me.
I don't have a penis! - I love you.
- Well, you're my inside man.
'Cause we're like best friends.
Austen, it's Fiona.
Listen, don't bother to call me back, all right? I think I'm going to take my book elsewhere.
[Mellow, jazzy music] Well, hello, Fiona.
Oh, hello SisterMaxine.
[Laughter] I thought you'd get a kick out of that as I'm wrapping up all the loose ends - here in my office.
- Oh, yes, yes.
That's why I'm calling, to check up on you.
I'm happy to see you're in such good spirits, I mean-- - Oh, I'm feeling wonderful, thank you.
I'm feeling wonderful.
Austen doubled my advance, and then I was very sorry to hear that he had fired you.
But you don't seem to be upset, which is suspicious to me.
No, no, I'm not upset at all.
In fact, this is pretty much the happiest day of my life.
- Oh.
- [Laughs] Let me just explain.
that I would watch over and take care of Austen.
And no matter how much I tried to get him to fire me-- because I couldn't quit.
I couldn't quit and offend a Saint in that capacity.
What do you mean? You-- Well, you know, I always told him he had to pick-- the floozies or me.
You know, my God-centered spiritual life or-- and he always chose me, until you.
Until me.
And then you got your wish.
You got fired from your assistant's job.
All right.
My faith is so strong.
My connection to St.
Jude-- I can't tell you how many times he's helped me find my keys.
- Oh.
- Yes.
I lose things, and right away St.
Jude is there, you know.
- So, uh, I had to-- - He sounds wonderful.
- I'd love to meet him.
- Mm.
Did you get the Catholic for Dummies book? Because they're not actually still living, the saints.
No, it was a joke.
It was Saint humor.
[Laughs] I'm not familiar with that.
So St.
Jude, the Saint of the lost causes one.
That is exactly who St.
Jude is.
Bravo to you.
No, I found it fascinating.
And there's one for selling houses, but you have to bury his head in the ground.
Bury the entire statue.
The Lord works in mysterious ways--look at you.
It's funny how "mysterious" and "ridiculous" are sometimes interchangeable.
Yeah, sometimes, I suppose.
Here's the thing.
God tapped my shoulder.
- Oh.
- He said to me, "Ask about the gifts.
" And remember when we were talking Tiffany blue boxes? - Remember that? - Yes, I remember.
Remember what you told me about the flowers - from his yard in Scotland? - Yes, and-- - and meeting Filomena? - Who's Filomena? His nanny who raised him, who he loves like no other? Oh, the ancient Scottish woman? Yes.
She is his connection.
The closest thing to family that he has ever had, next to me.
And he sent her to check me out? Which showed me and told me, which made me know that he loves you.
Well [Chuckles] And I knew that was my out.
And the guilt he felt was enormous.
And my retirement package, more than I could have dreamed.
He gave me a golden parachute.
Pardon the expression.
- Oh.
- You familiar with that term? - Yes, I a-- well, of course I am, I was in-- did you not read my book? - I was in the finance world, so-- - I certainly did.
- Yes.
- That was quite something.
So he's given me enough to start my life anew, and I'm heading on out to Palm Springs.
I'm gonna open a retirement village center golf course for ex-nuns.
- Oh.
- They are all so athletic.
It's really amazing.
I think all the genuflecting builds up the thigh muscles-- the eye/hand coordination from so many years of crossing themselves.
They are spirited, spirited women who need a place to go and relax with someone who understands them, and I believe that's me.
Well, so you've-- well, you're very clever.
So congratulations, Fiona, Austen is all yours.
I'd like to just tell you that Filomena has a peanut allergy, and she is lactose intolerant.
So come the holidays-- and every holiday will be spent with Filomena and Austen-- please be conscious of that.
She is getting old, and we wouldn't want anything to happen to her.
She is getting old.
- The little cough she had? - Yes.
- Is it - Sinus mold.
Oh, not a tubercular cough? - Oh, no, no.
- Okay.
Just, you know, sometimes I swab the inside of each nostril with some vaseline, and that gives her a little comfort.
But it's not going to ever take away.
Okay, well, then she is really gonna miss you.
But she's all yours from now on.
So thank you.
This has really been a blessed event knowing you.
Well, happy I could help and give you this gift.
Yes, and you have.
Peace be with you, Fiona.
And you.
Lift up our hearts.
We lift the up to the Lord.
Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.
It is right to give him thanks and praise.
- Amen.
- Thank you.
Just, I'm-- I'm confused about one thing.
So true love means no expensive gifts-- - Ever.
[Jazzy music] [Keyboard keys clicking] Fiona, I can't find my blue suit--where is it? It just came back from the dry cleaners.
- I'll bring it up.
- No, you-- - All right, here it is.
- Oh.
- Want me to pack it for you? - No, no, I'm fine.
- I can do it, thanks.
- All right.
I forget where you're going this time.
I'm going to Boston.
Your mother's having a fund-raiser for me.
Oh, that's right.
How awful.
It's a mistake to have anything to do with her, as far as I'm concerned.
Look, Ben thinks it's a great idea.
He's meeting me at the airport, and your mother is a doll for doing this.
- Ben? - Ben Tomlin, my campaign manager.
Oh, you hired Ben Tomlin.
- Yes.
- I didn't know.
Well, did I not get an email about that? Check your spam folder.
Well, I don't think that he'd be in spam.
All right.
Kip, you don't wear boxers, do you? No, I hate boxers.
That reminds me, we got a lovely donation - from Trent and Camilla bowner.
- Nice.
Look, sweetie, I need to use the bathroom for a minute.
Could you, uh--could you manage my toiletries bag? - It's right there.
- Yes.
This is toiletry.
Ooh! Oh! You're gonna have to pay extra for the weight.
I don't know why it was balled up in the back of the trunk of my car, but I got it out, and-- ow-- and I was able to take it and steam it, so it'll be ready for your appearance in half an hour.
I also put the two buttons back in that you popped out at the pancake breakfast.
So you're good to go.
Wait, what appearance in a half an hour? Oh, yeah, yeah, you're reading to the schoolchildren at the counsel for the disabled orphan immigrants.
Oh, no.
I'm not going to do that.
- You have to cancel that.
- Ow, oh.
Well, why don't you turn that off? - Yeah, okay.
- 'Cause you don't seem to know how to use it properly.
I don't think I can cancel.
You're reading literally in half an hour.
They told me they got the kids ready.
It takes them a while for all of them to actually sit in circle time, 'cause some of them aren't always upright.
They keep putting me with children, and that's just wrong.
Why would I have anything to do with children? - So-- - True, but some of them-- It's really not on message and I don't think it's a smart move for the campaign.
I'm not going.
- Did you--? - I'm busy.
I have a lot of clients now.
- Everything's exploding.
- Sure.
Since, you know, some of my visibility has gone up from the campaign.
- Yeah, which is great.
- So I'm too busy.
- Let's cancel.
- Cancel, right.
But did you talk to Ben about that? 'Cause I know Ben thought this would be a really good opportunity, especially since some of those kids are so weak and-- - Well, Ben is wrong.
- Oh, right.
And I don't answer to Ben, because we're actually on the same team.
And by "team," I mean he answers to me.
Answers to you.
Okay, that makes sense.
Okay, so I'll call him and tell him-- In fact, you know what? You're reminding me.
I need to schedule something with Ben Tomlin.
I need to speak with him about these appearances.
- Okay.
- So make that happen.
- All right? - Okay.
- And scheduling.
- Got it, all right.
[Hissing sound] Ow.
Oh, that's just water.
- That's just water.
- I don't care.
Hot water.
[Groans] - Hello, Robin.
- Dr.
Thank you so much for seeing me.
I really appreciate you taking the time.
No, I mean--well, forgive me if I don't seem delighted.
No, no, no, no, no, of course.
And before you say anything, I just want you to know I'm here to make amends.
I, uh I recognize that what I did was despicable.
I've, uh-- I've gotten some help.
I'm in a-- I'm in a program.
from what it sounds like.
" Yes, I mean, it's-- it's--it was deplorable.
And despicable.
To pursue a married man? Another woman's husband? From the bottom of my heart, I realize that going after your husband was, you know, not only a betrayal to you and to myself, but to women everywhere.
And, uh I'm sorry.
I hope you can forgive me.
Well, that's an important step you're taking.
Yes, thank you for acknowledging that.
It really is.
Okay, I could forgive you for that.
It was just a bad choice on your part.
It--it was, absolutely.
Thank you, that's incredibly generous of you and, I mean, you should know my life has been a complete wreck since then.
- I, uh - Well, that's good.
- So I did it.
- Thank you.
- It's, uh, it's-- - Are we finished? It's been hard-- it's been really, uh-- it's been challenging for me after the Kip situation.
I, uh, started to do some very self-destructive things.
Well, I saw you eating a tremendous amount of snack foods, so-- - Then I lost my job.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- What was your job? - I didn't know-- - I'm a filmmaker.
- You're a filmmaker? - Mm-hm.
Well, there couldn't have been much work in Philadelphia anyway.
But anyway, enough about me.
I see--it's so exciting what's happening for you.
Kip running for Congress.
I mean, I see him everywhere and I see you everywhere.
Oh, thank you.
I think he's gonna be a wonderful congressman.
- He'll serve you well.
- The best.
He's got my vote, absolutely.
- Oh, that's good.
- I'm happy for his success.
And for yours.
And by the way, I love your new hair.
Well, we figured for the campaign-- Uh-huh.
That, you know, the candidate's wife, you know, it's okay.
You look like the First Lady.
Oh, well, that's-- it's a little soon for that.
You look gorgeous.
You're radiant.
Well, now I get to have hair and makeup come every day.
I've been trying people out.
Well, not like you need it.
But really, it's-- - That's nice.
- And how are things with Kip? Well, it's very exciting, and Kip and I are doing very well, thank you.
- We really are.
- So he obviously talked to you about it after I filled you in, right? - Whew! - After you filled me in.
Well, you know, look, what you said was-- That was a doozy.
Can I call you Fiona? Is that-- Oh, sure, yeah.
- Fi.
- Well, Fiona.
That killed me.
I mean, I was devastated by it.
I had never had--first of all, I've never had a man not be attracted to me.
I mean, well Oh, right.
Those issues, yes.
And then-- but more than that-- I almost forgot who I was talking to.
To not be attracted to me because he thought I was a man.
- Like, that killed me.
- Well, when I heard that - Right? - Okay.
All of these red flags flew up from the past 17 years.
- [Gasps] - Going back, "oh, is that" "Oh, is he gay? "Oh, is that when he was gay, you know, when he was-- became best friends with that tennis instructor?" Right.
Who was a little light on his feet.
- I, you know-- - You poor thing.
I'm sorry you had to live through even a moment of that.
Because I was devastated by it, so I can't imagine.
Well, I don't get devastated, you know? - No? - Because you were, I think, more damaged to begin with.
- But I started an investigation.
- Well, what did you find? Oh, you don't have to tell me.
Obviously, this is-- Well, it doesn't matter, I don't think.
No, no, no.
You're not really of any consequence to us at this point, you know? - No.
- You're so far removed.
But, you know, I did an investigation.
I broke into his Visa account - to access purchases.
- You did? And there were some very suspicious ones.
Very incriminating purchases from places called, you know, "Midnight Tran to Georgia.
" I don't know if it's a shop or a club.
And there was, you know, "Manly and Lacey," which is some kind of club I think, I don't frequent it-- - Oh, no.
- So I don't know.
And I had to confront Kip about it.
Oh, you poor thing.
Came this close to splitting up over it.
I'm not trying to impose more guilt onto you, but-- - No, no, but I'm sorry.
- You know, we came very close.
No, but he had an explanation for all of it.
Did you believe it? I mean, I don't know.
I mean, you're way-- obviously you're so smart that you probably saw - right through it.
- Well, I didn't-- at first I didn't believe it.
But whether I believed him or not is immaterial, you know.
Then he was making his bid for Congress.
Right, right.
And, uh, I--you know, in a relationship, Robin, maybe this is a, you know, "teachable" moment for you.
Please, I'm like a sponge.
Tell me.
They, you know, in a relationship, one has to decide to believe their partner.
- Right, right.
- You know? You're committed to it and so, okay, it was for a bachelor party Mm-hm.
Where every man loves, you know, some novelty item from "Midnight Tram to Georgia," - okay.
- Uh-huh.
- [Laughs] You know? - Wow.
But anyway, it got us to where we are now.
- Well, thank you.
- Yes.
I mean, that's insightful and, um, I appreciate, uh, all of your help, and, um It's my pleasure.
I'm so happy to see you're coming out the other-- the other side of that.
- I am.
- Yeah.
You've helped me immeasurably.
Thank you.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
You've been tremendously helpful.
Well What--what is that? Are you listening to something now? Making a call, or-- [Laughs] No, actually, I, uh I, uh [Cell phone beeps] It's just been a recording of the conversation that we just had.
[Fiona's voice talking] Which I think, if I'm not crazy-- [chuckles] And I'm not-- uh, it's gonna play great, and the media's gonna love this.
Especially that bit You recorded what - about the Midnight-- - we just spoke about just now? You recorded that? - Yeah.
- The depths of your duplicity.
Really, it knows no boundaries, does it? - Thank you.
- I mean, you're truly a despicable person.
Thank you.
- Oh, hello, Ben.
- Good morning, Fiona.
Good morning, it's--uh, what a surprise to encounter you this way.
Well, I heard that this was probably the best, uh, way to reach you.
We had trouble with your cell phone.
Um, nobody seemed to have the actual number.
Oh, okay.
Well, I don't use it a lot because I'm in-- I'm having sessions today with clients, so Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your I'm sure undoubtedly very busy schedule.
But thank you for, um, uh, clicking me, I guess.
- Well-- - It's a pleasure.
[Laughs] Well, I won't refuse you.
You're too important to us, you know? [Laughs] Absolutely.
Well, we're a team, you know? That's what we all are.
Well, good, I'm glad you see it that way, because we are a team, I-- you know, all right.
Uh, well, I was-- I wanted to go over some of the, um Some of the people that we already have on the team, if I could.
Oh, yes, well--and you know, I got you Richard Pratt.
- Mm-hmm.
- From Lachman Brothers.
An old associate of mine.
- Uh, yes.
He is here.
- And that's working out well.
Uh, h-what I, uh, would like to say is that he is a fascinating addition to the team.
All right, well, I assume he's working out, 'cause I'm not hearing any complaints.
And to that end, um, I'd like to also, um furnish you with a documentarian that Kip and I would like to hire.
We would like the campaign to hire.
Her name is Robin Griner.
And we assume we'll need a documentarian to film sort-- - Okay, I'm sorry, hold--hold-- hold on one sec-- did y--this is-- this is someone--a doc-- someone who's gonna be in charge of the image of the campaign? - That you know? That I don't? - Well You're in charge of the image of the campaign.
- Thank you.
- Make no mistakes.
But Robin is--is a noted filmmaker, all right? And Kip and I have a history with her.
Could you tell me some of her titles? Well, you can Google her if you like.
She's a filmmaker.
There aren't-- can't be that many in Philadelphia, - but she's the only one of-- - Okay.
You know, that meant anything, or so she said.
But she-- Kip and I need her.
So, this really isn't a question.
- Oh--right.
- This is more of a, um, a directive.
You will hire Robin Griner - Oka-- to be the documentarian of the campaign.
Well, I'd love to, um-- to consider that.
That's--that's a great way to-- to put it.
Well, it's your way of putting it.
It's not for consideration, and you need to trust me.
Trust that I'm protecting you.
Well, and I-- you know what? By not furnishing you with too many details.
I--uh, first of all, I like your--your style that we've got each other's backs, you know.
- Because that's what this is.
- Yes.
But I will need to really find out more-- No, this will be the end of the discussion of Robin Griner.
I'm going to be making these kinds of decisions, Ben.
I have his ear.
Pillow talk, and all of that.
- I-I don't-- - Not that-- we don't actually share a bed any more, 'cause it's easier to sleep alone.
- It's a better night's sleep.
- Really? But--well, anyway, I think, um I think we're done with that issue.
I--but-- So, if there's anything else you need, let me know.
Sure, we've--we've got a couple of things, if I could.
First of all, on the, um, sleeping separately issue, I-I would just for-- I don't know, rule of thumb, I would just not bring that up on the campaign stop.
No, I usually don't divulge intimate details of my marriage.
Trust me.
- And didn't plan on it.
- People-- people will take that ball and run with it in, you know, whatever direction they want.
Well, I think I'm pretty good with--with people.
You're excellent.
I mean - Although I--yeah.
- What I'd love to do is-- what I'd love to do, if I could, uh, Fiona, is to go over some of the issues of the campaign that we're focusing on - Right.
- Just to make sure that we're all on the same page.
I'd love us all to be on the same page.
- Oh, good, yes.
All right.
- Okay.
Uh So, on, uh, immigration.
Oh, I have very strong views on immigration.
Very strong.
But I'm hoping that they dovetail, uh, with what we have already stated publicly, and what Kip, most importantly-- 'cause that's what this is all about, really.
This is about Kip's vision.
I assume that he and I are in sync on that.
That, you know, we're not really for immigration, or it should be very selective immigration, because, you know, the people from other places, you know, they're leaving some unhappy, unfortunate situation and bringing the misery over here, and we frankly don't need it.
Right, but the-- the happy face that we can put on this, really, is that with all that said, immigration is going to occur, and the good news for America with that, and for our campaign, is that, um, you know, just taking those opinions that you voiced-- That some of these people are very productive.
And that this country could benefit greatly - from their personal resources.
- Right, right.
- Okay, good.
- I mean, I--but-- So then we're in agreement on that.
Uh, no-- I mean, absolutely we are, but what I'd like to do is just make sure the message that we're all saying is the same, as opposed to our opinions.
Keep it selective.
Well, you know-- Vet the immigrants, so that we can weed out the unsavory ones, right? - [Chuckles] - Okay.
Um, okay, I'm gonna move on to, um Uh, the recession.
Now, as we all know, this is not America's finest financial hour.
No, and I can speak to that, having worked in the financial community.
In fact, I wrote the book Whistling While I Worked, which I'm sure you're aware of.
Uh, I am looking forward to reading that in some future da-- Oh, you haven't read it yet? - That's not good - No.
- Preparation, I don't think.
- No.
No, I didn't-- Because I'm now somewhat of an expert.
You're a real canary in the coal mine.
In a way.
Well, yes, I was.
I'm glad I got out of it before.
[Chuckles] A couple of other issues.
Um Healthcare.
- Hot-button issue.
- Yes.
Almost, you know, something we--we want to address, but we want to not address sometimes, because it's--you know, it's-- it's--there's a divide.
Here's a--um, you know, this is an eye-catcher, I think.
This issue.
Because I th-- to me, healthcare is directly related to the abortion issue.
Okay, but we don't ever want to talk about that.
- I mean, that--abortion-- - Oh, but we have to.
You can't talk about one without the other.
- Believe me, I-I-- - It's crucial.
Yes, and it's--the problem is it's such a hot-button issue.
And I know this, because I'm a survivor of abortion.
- Um - How--how would that-- I'd like--another issue I'd like to go over is, uh, obesity.
This is a problem that is affecting greater and greater numbers of people.
I have some fixes to this problem.
- Okay.
- And I've told it to Kip.
Hopefully, you know, it's gotten to you.
Well, most thing-- Kip and I-- we really get into a lot of things together.
Oh, good, so, then you already know of my suggestion, which creates revenue for the state, is to impose some kind of tax on the obese whenever they buy more than a certain amount of food.
You know, and the campaign should be, to the obese, "Put down the breadstick.
" - Okay.
- You know.
That's just--right there.
That's a solution to them.
A lot of--Pennsylvania is one of the fattest states in the nation, - so, these people-- - Not Philadelphia, though.
Right? Uh, well, you're-- as a congressman, Kip will be representing more than just Philadelphia.
I don't need to tell you about the constitut-- But does the rest of it count? [Chuckles] I mean, honestly.
[Chuckles] Right.
But that'll be one of the-- we'll put that on the list of things we don't want to say in public.
Okay, right.
I did have one other spontaneous thought.
Um I was doing some research, um, for the last couple of days.
- Oh, how spontaneous.
- And, uh I can't find any sign at all of you being accredited as a therapist.
Anywhere, in any-- Oh, well, it says that I'm accredited on my site.
Right, I know, but saying that you are accredited is not the same as being accredited.
You know what I mean? Uh, but I'm working on it.
- Right.
- And I just need that 15 hours of therapy for myself, which, you know, obviously, I've been avoiding, 'cause it's not my own method, it's, you know, and oh [Laughs] That's a lot.
- Right.
- So, uh That's all I need to do, but I am - Virtually accredited.
- Right.
The word--the problem with the law is words like "virtually" and "almost," um, make it-- Oh, so, it's a legal issue.
I see.
So, shall I just take all of my clients and restore them to insanity [Chuckles] So that we can stay within the letter of the law? - Yeah-- - That seems unethical.
- Right.
- And unkind.
Right, right.
Uh, the government.
Right? But that's what we're looking to get into.
You know, is--if we want to be part of the government, we have to follow the law.
Oh, right, so no more traffic tickets - or--right, I understand.
- Right.
Uh, so, Fiona, I'm--I'm-- really must say, thank you.
I'm excited by our partnership, but I-I do have to run.
The phones are--as you can imagine, are going crazy.
That's all right.
I have to go too.
I have about 18 minutes' worth of sessions ahead of me, - so, it was good to see you.
- Okay, no, no--no more ther-- [mellow, jazzy music] Dear God.
You're in for one hell of a road, honey.
And I'm off to Palm Springs with some almost-lesbians.
[Laughter] Honey, could you just, um, handle my cosmetic-- - [laughs] - I mean, my toiletries bag.
[Laughs] Cut.
[Laughter] The problem is it's such a hot-button issue, and I know this because I'm a survivor of abortion.
- Um - How--how would that-- that's interesting.
[Laughs] - Let's go-- - [Laughs]