Web Therapy (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

Sister Act

Previously on Web Therapy So I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have that much to do with you for a while.
I'm gonna let your sister move in here.
I'm gonna make their dreams come true.
I took a mouse and let him bite my neck till it turned red.
All right, yes.
No, I'm an idiot.
Why wouldn't you have a tattoo? Red is my color.
I'm in a little situation with the, uh--the, uh, Security Exchange Commission.
I've heard of them.
Having worked for you for those many years.
I can't find any sign at all of you being accredited, uh, as a therapist.
I just need that 15 hours of therapy for myself, which, you know, obviously, I've been avoiding.
Well, I'm--I'm unclear as to how you're feeling, and perhaps you could put a word-- word to those feelings.
Are you--just an adjective.
Are you depressed? Are you anxious? Are you con--? Tell me where you are.
Tell me how you're feeling.
I feel okay.
You know, there's a lot going on.
Right.
With my Kip's--you know, he's a candidate - Yes.
- for Congress.
Right.
So we're about to be hurled into the limelight.
That must be, uh, an unusual feeling.
Nothing I can't handle.
Really? Well, that's good.
You--you have confidence.
Yes, but what else is new? I mean, I've always been, I think, pretty-- pretty confident.
I was a pretty happy child with a pretty, you know, run-of-the-mill sort of upbringing.
How could that possibly have been? Well, gee, I don't know.
A child who's loved, been adored by her parents, is usually a pretty run-of-the-mill, uneventful childhood and makes for a happy one.
Mom hated you.
You know that.
Well, I think that's not true.
I think you just have different requirements of what love is, and-- Do you remember when you had lice? Yes.
And do you remember that our mother got the lice shampoo for me, because I also had lice, and then she ran out of the shampoo.
Yes.
And rather than get more shampoo, she just shaved your head? Do you remember that? Well, of course I remember that.
It was a very efficient way of dealing with the lice.
I would know for sure it was never coming back.
There's nothing in the world that's wrong with that.
I'm not sure where we're getting with all of this.
How can I help you, I guess is the question I need to ask you.
- How can I help you? - Well-- because of course I'm here for you.
Well, great.
Fantastic.
I mean, now that you mention it, I have a form that I need filled out by you so that I can get accredited.
Accredited for what? Well, for my web therapy, of course.
You know, I need-- I need a, uh, you know, a psychoanalyst, I suppose, but you'll do, to, um, administer therapy for 15 hours worth.
I guess it's called supervision.
Okay, let me just stop you for a second.
Let me just clarify a couple things for you.
Uh, I am, in fact, a psychotherapist.
- Somehow you--you-- - Are you still? Yes, indeed.
I certainly am a psychotherapist.
And the second thing I'd like to mention is that, what in the world would you need any kind of accreditation for to go up on--what is this? You're on Facebook, curing people? I'm not sure I understand this--the--the dynamic of this profession-- "profession.
" No, I know.
I mean, time does go by very quickly.
No, now what there is is this thing called the world wide web, all right? And there are many therapists who conduct their therapy over the Internet so that patients can get to them and get help from wherever they are, so that's what I provide.
Yes.
Instead of going into an office, having to blather for a few minutes so they can get a pill from you.
I see.
So you don't need a pill today? No, I need you to sign-- it's this form here.
It's very simple.
I can just fax it over to you.
You sign it, and then I'm on my way.
We have this bothersome campaign manager who said I'm gonna have to suspend treating my patients Uh-huh.
Because I guess, technically, it's not legal for me to be practicing without the accreditation, and I-- I--I'm--I'm not about to sign an accreditation form for you to treat, uh, freaks on the Internet or the web or the Facebook or the MySpace or what--whatever it is that you care to call it.
You're sort of ranting right now, so are you very stressed out? I-- Is that because you're-- you've moved in with Mom? I actually am a little stressed out, so thank you for your concern.
I am a little bit stressed out, and this communication certainly isn't making me feel calmer.
Mm-hmm.
- Um, yes, Mom, um-- - Oh, your voice cracked.
- Um-- - Wow.
Mom is--is, um, altered.
I'm gonna say that she's altered these days.
Really? Well, I know that I haven't spoken to her in a little while, but that's shocking.
Maybe it's just, you know, the adjustment she's had to make.
You've moved in with your husband, who's out of work, and, um, I know it was hard for you.
You had to file bankruptcy.
That can't be easy.
No, that isn't easy.
And then you move in with your-- how many kids do you have? Ten? Eight? You see, when we have these conversations and you bombard me with this kind of sarcasm, um-- I wasn't being sarcastic.
I was genuinely-- I don't remember.
You keep having children, and I lose track.
Fi, I have had four children.
I've had four children.
Yes, but the youngest is not that old, so I don't know if you've had three or four more in between.
Anyway, Mom has been very-- um, I'm not sure how healthy it is, uh, her behavior around the children.
Oh.
Just this very morning, she came downstairs, and, I mean, it was horrifying because she-- She was wearing her pajama top but she had nothing on the bottom.
Oh, how disturbing.
It was repulsive, and Bryce was there, - and you know, he's-- - Bryce is which one? He's my first child, Fiona.
First one makes him the oldest, so he's 20? How old is he? I'm sorry.
- He's 15, Fiona.
- 15.
15, not 20.
And his grandmother came down with her, you know, the whole--the whole-- the whole kit and caboodle.
Yes, well, that could be very disturbing and set him on a whole path that might not be too desirable, I'm sure.
No.
Yes.
No, it's not desirable at all.
Anyway, I can't have that kind of behavior around the clock.
No, of course not.
So, what would you like to do? Put a pillowcase over her head? I mean, you have Well, actually, I-- a whole pharmaceutical closet there.
Can't you give her something? - What I'd like to do-- - Hmm? What I'd like to ask you to do for me-- Oh, yes.
To take her.
- Yeah.
- For how long? Um, as long as is humanly possible.
- An hour? - Is that some sort of joke? No, you said for-- I'm busy.
Have you not noticed? All right.
Have you not noticed that I'm busy? I have a practice.
I have patients.
I have four children.
I have a husband.
Well, you're just so unglued.
Isn't there something you can pop into your mouth over there, sitting on your desk or behind you? My goodness, your ability to cope is just staggering.
My ability to cope is staggering, because my ability to cope is so high, is so monumentally fabulous, and against all odds, I am keeping everything together.
I invested our funds in my husband's work, his art, and it didn't go the way we had expected.
Would I do it any other way? No, I wouldn't.
Oh.
Because I adore and support him.
My child had to leave the school that he was in.
I didn't know that they were going to not refund the tuition, Fiona.
Oh, that's right.
He was expelled.
That was your kindergartener, right? He was--when he brought a knife to school and started selling your samples to the other children? He didn't bring a knife.
You're thinking-- you're confusing two different incidents.
One was with Bryce, you'll recall.
- He brought a knife.
- He brought the knife.
But nobody ever found out about that knife.
I would encourage you to keep that between us.
I'm talking about the little one, my tiny one.
- He sold the drugs? - Yes.
Unwit--unwittingly, unknowingly.
He didn't know they were drugs, all right? He thought that they were a kind of a peppermint.
I don't know.
At any rate, he's out of the school.
We didn't get that money back, okay? Yes.
And now I am in with our mother, who is behaving like a raving lunatic.
Well, you've probably set her--upset her with the new situation, bringing your-- I'm asking you for one minor favor, to take-- Oh, yes, what is that? To take our mother off of my hands for as long as is humanly possible, and I-I don't know how long you could do it for, but I would appreciate it if you would take her for the summer.
The summer.
Well, I think we can do that.
I think they have these cruises that go on for two or three months, so how would that suit you? That would suit me just fine.
Get the woman out of the house.
- Put her on one of those.
- That's fine.
Good.
So now, can I get accredited? You know, I think if we're gonna do this accreditation, I think I have to insist that we really have sessions, Fi.
And why on earth would you insist on that? - Just to further torture me? - No, hardly.
My--my goal is for you to benefit, truly benefit from some long-term analysis, and I think that I can help you with this, because who knows you better than I? Who knows you? I could name a couple of people, to be perfectly honest with you, but okay.
This would be real therapy.
If it's okay, we can do it on the web? 'Cause I really can't get up to Boston to do this.
That's fine, but they will be 50-minute sessions.
All right, Shevaun, you win.
I have to ask you to call me Dr.
Haig.
Oh, my God.
Fiona.
Hi, Gina, sorry I haven't been available, but with the campaign and all, you know.
Oh, my God, like, not having a job sucks ass.
Oh.
Like, I don't get money every week.
- That's right.
Yes.
- It's horrible.
I don't know what to do, and I'm, like, hanging out with these losers who want to go, like, occupy stuff.
Oh, yes, no, don't do any of that.
Yeah, they're like, let's go occupy a dirty building, and I'm like, "someone occupy my vagina.
" Oh.
I miss you too.
And it's so hard, like, when I'm looking for a job, it's like, they all want to know about the STD investigation.
The what? - You know, the stock police.
- Oh, SEC.
Yes.
Oh, I thought maybe they already saw you coming, so to speak.
Coming.
Dirty girl.
I didn't-- Anyway, that's not what I-- But it's horrible, and they're just like, they want to ask all these questions.
Well, sure, because you were from a disreputable company, you know? Well, they want to know all sorts of questions about you.
- About me? - It's just tricky.
- No.
Fiona Wallice? - Yes, Fiona Wallice, my mentor.
What questions would they have? My book's not out yet.
I don't know-- Yeah, I know.
They're like, she was, like, this scorned lover, and I'm like, "No, I think she just was DTF with Robert.
" - What--? - DTF.
What does DTF mean? I don't know.
- Down to fuck.
- Down--? I know Downton Abbey, but I don't know downton--what? I don't know Downton Abbey, but I know downtown.
Mmm! All right, maybe we're off the topic.
And I think you need to stop talking about me in your interviews.
Well, I have to, because I'm looking for a job, so I have to go to all of these places and they want to know questions.
They want to know the dirt.
So Robert is talking and then they-- They want to know what's going on.
I mean, and I'm all over town, talking to everyone-- - Then stop! - Looking for a job.
Then stop looking for a job, because I will find you a job.
I'm happy to do it.
I know many influential people, and I will find you a job.
Just stay in your, um, in your room.
Room? What is that? It's a large bedroom.
It's the living room.
It's where, you know, I do my living.
Okay, Fiona, now, this is our thirteenth session, and I-I took the time to review the notes from the last 12 sessions, and I have to tell you, I'm feeling unbelievably frustrated, because it seems as if you are reluctant or incredibly resistant to come to terms with so many aspects of your life.
In fact, all aspects of your life.
You're in a state of denial.
I keep telling you how you feel, and you keep telling me "no.
" I say, "you feel-- you feel angry.
" You say, "No, I'm not angry," but that's not true.
You do feel angry.
You do feel resentment.
You do feel revengeful.
You feel-- Is "revengeful" a word? - Yes, it's a word.
- Okay.
And that's how you feel.
But how is it-- how is it that, uh, you've decided that I feel revengeful.
I don't understand.
I mean, must we go over this and over this and over this? Our childhood was the-- are polar opposites.
I was adored.
You were detested.
I was beautiful.
You were hideous.
I was thin.
You were obese.
I was intelligent.
You were possibly mentally challenged.
I was elegant.
You were, um, what is the opposite of elegant? - Coarse? Unrefined? - Thank you.
Perfect.
Well, I mean, honestly, all I can remember from my childhood are--are-- are sun-dappled meadows and lollipops dispensed and--and rainbows.
I don't know.
Gamboling lambs.
I--I'm--I'm not surprised you remember lollipops dispensed.
They weren't really dispensed, they were stolen.
Do you remember that you stole those lollipops? Don't you remember that you were beaten? Do you not remember our father hitting you with his shoe? You don't remember this? Yes, oh, that's-- yes, that's right, because I felt like I deserved something.
They'd never given me one before.
- And then daddy took his shoe.
- Yes.
And remember, he hit you in the head? - Don't you remember? - Oh, yes.
- Like a tap in the head.
- It was a tap shoe.
It wasn't a tap in the head.
It was a tap shoe, remember? - Oh.
- Because he was dancing? - Oh, yes, that's right.
- Yeah, right.
And it-- 'cause it left that-- that--the tap mark on your head, 'cause of--it was--it was just your skull there, you know? Right.
I didn't have hair, right.
You didn't have hair because of the lice.
Right.
I thought that you were disabled in some way because you were so emotionally, you know, underdeveloped and-- and immature, and--and--and, of course, I wasn't, and I had a way with words, and I had a very, uh-- I was the Captain of the volleyball team, yes.
I was the head of the honor society.
Yes, that is correct.
What else was I? Head of the debate club.
That's what I was.
What else did I do? You will recall that Kip was my date that weekend.
- Remember that? - Mm-hmm.
And then, inexplicably, you walk in, wearing that man suit.
Do you remember that? Fat, fat, fat! Fat! You are filled with resentment because Uncle Stan did the inappropriate touching with me, chose me for the inappropriate touching.
Do you recall? My point is is that you were unappealing to Uncle Stan.
I got it.
I got to get it from Uncle Stan, not you.
All right.
You know, I-I just don't really know how to get through to you.
I didn't--I didn't want to tell you this.
I actually never wanted to tell you this.
It's devastating.
But I'm gonna tell you this because I think you--ultimately you're gonna benefit from it.
During the divorce proceedings-- Mommy and Daddy's divorce proceedings-- there was a custody battle, as you know.
Mm-hmm.
And I went with Mommy and you went with Daddy.
Yes.
And the reason that you went with Daddy is because they determined this with a rock-paper-scissors challenge.
Okay.
And Daddy lost.
Neither parent wanted to take you.
Both parents wanted to take me.
- It's--it's--it's-- - Okay.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, and I hope you're okay.
I am all right with it, because I think it's difficult for an adolescent teenaged girl to grow up with a mother in the first place, so I got to avoid all of those issues and I spent the time with my father, - and I think fathers are-- - Well, I gotta tell you.
- That was my biggest gun.
- Hmm.
It seems useless, pointless.
You are unflappable, Fi.
Unflappable.
This is a magnificent waste of time.
Um, all right.
Well, our time is up, it seems.
Okay.
Great.
Where did you get that jacket? I've been meaning to ask you this whole session.
Oh, this one? I got it when I was in New York, I think at Bergdorf or Henri Bendel or something.
Yeah.
It looks so much like the one that Mommy has.
Oh, really? Actually, that's the color that Mommy wears all the time.
I mean, when she's wearing clothes.
Well, she always looked elegant, yeah.
It's--it's not the best red for you and your coloring.
- This red? - Yeah, it isn't.
- I don't think it is.
- It's not? Because I've worn it for a long time.
I mean, I always thought that it suited me.
- I see what you mean.
- Yeah, right? You see how your--your hair, it looks sort of, uh, it's sort of a muddy-- the--the red turns it kind of mud.
I don't know why I always thought that it looked good on me.
That's really crazy.
I--that's--you know, I've worn it for such a long time.
When I think about all the events I've been to and I've worn this color, and then, do you know how long I've been wearing this color? Since I moved in with Father I was wearing this color.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Wow.
Wow.
What is that? What do you--what? Because--oh, because I moved in with Father, and so I wore a color that I associated with my mother, - so that I could try to-- - We're running out of time.
Is that what-- that doesn't make any sense.
It seems as if we're running out of time, yeah.
Well, that's not fair, to run out of time right now.
I'm gonna have to mute you, 'cause we're done.
Our session is over with.
But I don't think that's fair.
I mean, what is this supposed to mean? Wait a second.
Wait a second.
I spent so much time trying to be like my mother, that makes me rethink-- I don't want to have to rethink everything.
Could I have had children all this time? Oh, you're still there.
I've muted you.
- I can't hear you at all.
- Well, then unmute me.
Unmute me.
Dr.
Wallice? Can-- I'm sorry to bother you.
Can--can you see me? Yep, uh-- Yes, I can see you.
Yes.
How--how are you feeling? Yeah, I can see that you're hurting.
Well, listen, I just want to let you know that I'm taking care of all of the red garments.
They're all packed up.
Um, I'm having them sent to the consignment store.
You didn't want to give them away, so I-- I will--I will make sure that they come to pick that up.
I'm not sure how much we can get for them, but--oh! And I found this in the bed.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-- And so, I don't know why you didn't get this one, either.
I-I didn't know whether I should go inside your bed or--or--but, do you want me to come up? - I don't know either.
- Well, you know what? Leave it at the end of the bed, and I'll come up when you're napping and I'll--and I'll--I'll-- I'll pull it-- I'll pull it away, if that's okay.
But listen, this one doesn't quite look as red to me.
It looks more like a tomato or--or--or a persimmon.
It doesn't quite feel like a red, and you still want--? Yeah, I guess-- - It looked red to me.
- It does.
All right.
But I don't know anything any more.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Sure.
Um, quick question.
This dress right here.
Would you mind if I kept this for Hayley? I think I can take it in about four or five sizes and maybe give it to her? Yeah? Okay, I'm gonna hang on to that.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I--is there anything that I can do for you? Would you--would you like-- would you like a massage? I don't know.
I can go get my yoga pants and we can-- I don't think so.
I don't know.
Okay, well, you just say the word, 'cause I'm happy to-- How long is this going to last? I'd like to know.
I usually do a 50-minute, but I'm happy to do, like, a one-- No, I--I mean, this state I'm in.
Oh.
The campaign needs me, right? I mean, how are they getting along? Well, tomorrow, there's the event at the library.
I think they're looking for a replacement.
Uh, Ben's already assuming that you're out for the count and not gonna be doing any more appearances, so-- - That doesn't work.
- No? Oh, no, no.
That doesn't work at all.
I can't do this any more.
I have to figure out a way to-- Sure.
I mean, I don't understand.
It's as if my sister did this on purpose.
- Well-- - You know what? I think that's what it is, though.
This is her form of-- of rendition, this psychotherapy that she-- - I'm sure it feels that way.
- Commits.
No, it sounds like she was trying to help you, and--and--it--it kind of came off-- Well, am I helped? - No, I'm not.
- Right.
I'm not helped.
- Right.
- This was her doing.
This is something that she wanted to do to me, so none of this has anything to do with me at all.
Yeah, although, you know, when two sisters-- No, stop talking, Jerome, because I'm fixing myself right now, all right? Don't you see that? This has nothing to do with me.
This is about her wanting to destroy me, and so I'm just simply not going to let that happen, that's all.
Well, if you can come from a place of forgiveness, I know that Hayley always-- But I have to punish her for this, for sure, so that she never does it again.
- It needs to be a lesson to her-- - Sure, right.
About doing this.
I have to save everyone from her, in a way.
I'll--I'll come up and get the-- the red pajamas and then-- No, don't come anywhere near me.
I'm keeping this and everything else, because, Jerome, red is my color.
Well, look at you.
Not wearing red, I see.
- No.
- No.
Moved past that color, which is probably wise for a whole host of reasons.
Oh.
So, listen, uh, Fi, I-I think, um, I think we've--we've had enough sessions, and I just wanted to let you know that I've got the-- the form here.
- Yes.
- You see it? Yes.
And, um, I'm happy to sign it for you if you'd like me to.
I think it's enough already with these sessions.
Oh, thank you, She.
I really appreciate it.
- That last one was rough.
- I know it was.
Good for you.
Good for you, and good for me too.
Yes, I'm sure.
Harvard would be proud of me today because I feel as if I've helped you enormously - and you've broken through-- - Yes.
- On many different levels.
- Oh, I appreciate it.
Are you gonna fax it right now, then-- - yeah.
- After you sign it? Oh, good.
Let me just sign it.
- All right.
- Okay.
And I will fax it.
Okay, and I'll just ask Jerome.
Do you get it on your plane? Oh, no, I don't.
It--it-- it's the fax at home, and-- - Oh, I see.
- It's not my plane.
It's--it's Austen Clarke's, anyway.
- I see.
Well, lucky you.
- Mm.
It is nice.
And send.
Done.
You know, I have a speaking engagement, and he's offered to fly me there for no co-- at no cost to the campaign.
- I see.
- So who am I to say no? I don't even know what to say.
Well, I know.
There's not much to say.
No, there certainly isn't.
I've pushed, uh, send, so I don't know if you got it, but-- - Oh, yes.
- You got it? Okay.
Jerome just let me know it came in.
- Fantastic.
- Thank you.
You're so welcome.
It was my pleasure.
Now, let's talk about Mommy and her trip to see you indefinitely.
No, I'm kidding.
Not indefinitely.
No, I know.
- I know.
- No.
But, um, perhaps starting in June, and perhaps for a couple of months.
That would be so fantastic for me.
So, um, do you have a calendar there? Well, I've been talking to Mother a lot-- - Oh.
- Lately, yes.
- Oh.
- Um, and you know what? You're right.
She is not herself.
- She seems quite undone.
- Yes.
See what I was saying? - It was completely-- - Oh, no.
- A realistic take.
- She's really-- she's not even of sound mind, so-- No.
I brought in an attorney to help convince her that she should sign over her power of attorney to me.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You flew to Boston? - Yes.
- When was this? Oh, this was a couple of days ago.
That's fascinating that I never heard about this until this very moment.
Well, you were at work.
Well, I can't help it if you're not on speaking terms with your mother, but at any rate, so just rest assured that her finances will be safe now because I am in charge of them and all of her holdings, including the house.
What? Wait.
I'm sorry.
What? - You don't understand? - No, I don't.
- Really? - What do you mean, you're--? Would Harvard be proud that you don't understand? I'm speaking simple English.
I am in charge of all of the finances for our mother.
Her finances are actually my finances now.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm completely serious.
And then we also decided that it's probably better for her own emotional and mental state if you and your family were to leave the house.
You'll have to find another place to live.
I'm sorry, but it has to be that way.
No, it cannot be that way.
- Well, it has to, because-- - It cannot be.
I'm going to sell the house.
No, you're not gonna sell the house.
I can't have you and your ruffians in the house, making it look horrible.
We need to sell the house, and mother will live somewhere else.
No, no.
No, it's not possible.
We have to stay in this house.
This is where we live.
We don't have any funds.
I have to stay in this house.
- What choice do you have? - You tell me.
None.
You're a horrible, horrible woman! Possibly.
I did have a horrible childhood with an abusive family, so there's no telling what I could do, I suppose.
You'll be fine in your rental.
You know, I can't regulate the temperature on this plane.
Ketut, could you put it on auto-pilot, please, and bring me my red pashmina? Oh, I'm sorry.
Right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And scene.
Okay, sorry.
That was good.
Yeah, well, it's fast.
I told you.
You are filled with resentment because Uncle Stan did the inappropriate touching with me-- chose me for the inappropriate touching.
Well, I'm not sure about that.
- That's good.
- That's good.
That's good.
That was good.
Perfect.