Web Therapy (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

Royally F'd

Previously on Web Therapy And we assume we'll need a documentarian to film sort-- Okay, I'm sorry, hold on one sec.
Did you-- this is someone--a doc-- someone who's gonna be in charge of the image of the campaign that-- Well, you're in charge of the image of the campaign.
- Make no mistake.
- Thank you.
You--you beckoned me.
You told me to come into your office.
- You closed the d-- - Beckoned you? "Come hither, to my lips?" No, I don't think I said that.
You told me that I had very kissable lips, and you asked me to come into your office, and you asked me to shut the door.
If you must know, my secret is that I have admired you for so long.
Wow, you know, I-I can publish this book.
I've got publishing houses to talk to about it.
Oh, really? Well, some other things have come up, like, um, let's see, some purchases at Manly & Lacy Both: Midnight Tran to Georgia.
Novelty items for a bachelor party in my office.
[Jazz music] I was listening, but I'm doing something right now, Ben.
All right, what? Yeah, that sounds good too.
Well, thanks for running it past me.
I think those are good things for Kip to do.
And I appreciate the effort.
All right.
Also, just so you know, I am aware that you spoke with Austen to have the publication of my book postponed till after the campaign.
Anything for the campaign.
Are you laughing? All right.
Oh, and, um, and also, you should know that I did get accredited.
Thank you.
No it wasn't too-- [Computer tone] Well, it was difficult.
Yes, um, so anyway, I'm swamped now with clients, but I think what I can do is that I could do some more national publications, you know, do some interviews.
I can do them from home.
So if you can get me into, um, Allure magazine, or Marie Claire, or something like that, I think-- No, I think I am glamorous enough for those.
Well, let's not be defeatist about it.
Why don't you try? Now I have mock-ups here to generate interest.
Oh, no, not this one.
[Jazz music] - Hi.
- Hello.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
And you must be Kirsten Noble.
It's actually "ker-steen No-bel.
" Oh.
Everybody gets it wrong, but it's okay.
- "Ker-steen No-bel.
" - Says Kirsten Noble here.
- That's funny.
- It's "Ker-steen No-bel.
" N-o-b-l-e? It's n-o-b-l-e but pronounced "No-bel," like the Nobel Peace Prize.
"Ker-steen No-bel.
" Everybody gets it wrong, and it's annoying.
[Laughs] "Ker-steen," all right.
So it's like Sade, I suppose - [Flat] Yeah.
- Sort of thing.
- [Mock laugh] - And no--okay.
- "Ker-steen.
" - So can you see me okay? - I see you perfectly fine.
- Okay, good.
- Yeah, do you see-- - I'm not used to doing this.
I don't usually do interviews this way, - but since you wanted to do it-- - Oh, only b-- well, I thought it would be something sort of amusing.
This is how I conduct my therapy.
I'm a therapist, and I conduct my therapy over the Internet, like this.
Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I'm just gonna turn on my tape recorder.
- Oh, all right, yeah.
- Just take one second.
You don't want to miss a thing, so--[Laughs] No.
[Mock laugh] Okay, so I'm just gonna turn this on And make sure it's on.
I'm gonna set it Okay.
Up and make sure that's on.
Okay.
Okay.
- There we go.
- It's on? - Um - But you know that it's on? - That's good.
- Wait, hold on one second.
Okay, it's on.
So I am speaking to Fiona Shaw, - the wife of the republican-- - Yeah, no.
Well, it's Fiona Wallice.
I-I'm so sorry.
- That's all right.
- So I have a bunch of questions for you.
- No doubt.
- How, um Fiona Wallice, how did you and, um, well, Fiona Wallice, being-- what is it like being the wife of a republican candidate for a congressional seat in Pennsylvania? What is that like? The wife of a-- [Stutters] I'm sorry, - I got distracted with myself.
- Okay.
I wanted to know what it's like being the wife of a republican candidate running for a congressional seat.
Well, it entails a lot of appearances and, you know, just also trying to put forth the candidate's platform as well.
You know, I'm his partner in crime, although we haven't committed any crimes.
- You know, it's just a saying.
- Mm-hmm.
[Mock laugh] [Chuckles] It's a colorful saying.
How did you two meet? I love hearing love stories.
Okay, oh, 'cause we're a couple, so it's that human interest factor.
I got it.
Um, Kip and I met while, uh, you know, he's a very successful attorney.
He was an attorney at the time, and I was working in the, you know, unfortunate financial world.
- Mm-hmm.
[Mock laugh] You know, the notorious Lachman Brothers.
There's a story that I wrote a book about that we can circle back to later, I think.
Um [Clears throat] - And that's how we met.
- Mm-hmm.
- Some acquisition of some kind.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is it important? - I don't need that.
All right.
- Um-- - and as I mentioned, - I've written a book - Mm-hmm.
Which I don't know if you found that - in your Google search.
- No.
'Cause it's not out, and I don't know how anyone would know about it except for now I'm telling you, and you can dispense the information.
Course, that will wait till after we're done - with the campaign, and-- - Mm-hmm.
You know, then I'll be able to probably meet with you again to discuss it.
Let me keep my eye out for that book.
That sounds interesting.
I wanted to get back to some comments you had made - in the press - Oh.
That have gotten a lot of buzz.
Oh, I wasn't aware.
[Mock laugh] You said that fat people should pay a surtax on their food, particularly baked goods? Yes, well, I mean, yes, I did.
You know, I don't know that I said it exactly like that.
But, you know, I-I-I do think that it's not a bad idea.
You know, we're all so concerned with obesity.
You know, it's a big concern.
And why not generate some revenue for our state? And you also said something about immigrants that was very kind of weird.
Oh, about immigr-- that was weird? Well, I don't know how weird it is.
Uh, it's just a fact that, you know, unfortunately, most immigrants come to our country to escape some very unfortunate, unplea-- What? This is just something.
What is the salary for a congressman? - What's the salary for-- - The yearly salary.
I always wondered about that.
Um, I don't-- how do you quantify pittance? I don't know.
You know, that's not why Kip and I are doing this.
You know, we're--it's more of-- we think it's, you know, good for the-- can I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Are you at your home? - Or is this an office? - Yeah, I'm at my home.
Oh, so you don't have an o-- you're not on staff at-- I do, um I do freelance journalism.
I used to have a company where I did clutter busting.
But then my partner backed out, so I started freelancing.
- Clutter busting? - 'Cause I like to-- - What is that? Like, hoarders? - I was a c-- people who hoard? No, I would just do, uh, organize people's homes.
And then I needed to make some extra money, so I also started doing freelance journalism 'cause I wrote in high school, and I like to write.
Also I have a blog that I do at night called Neuroticornicopia, and that's my main-- that's my baby.
That's my dream.
But I do--i do do freelance interviews and such during the day.
But this will be in-- I assumed this was for InStyle Magazine.
That's what I was told-- - this interview.
- Uh no.
I'm doing the interview, and then I'll see if people are interested in it enough, I can-- sure, I can get somebody to publish it somewhere.
So it's not going to be placed anywhere in particular.
I'm not from InStyle.
[Mock laugh] That's-- A girl's got to make some money, you know.
Yes, and she does need to promote her husband's platform for his campaign.
However, it looks like I won't really be able to do that here.
So that's nice that you have a blog.
I'm sure the 20 people who-- You want to hear one of my sexual fantasies? Well, not particularly.
I mean, unless we were in session together.
- But we're not.
- For some reason, I like Motorcycles and helmets, and I have a fantasy about a man who's, you know, grieving the death of this father, riding a motorcycle with a helmet on, with his girlfriend, with a helmet on also, and he just doesn't want to feel the feelings of grief.
And they stop and have sex, and he pulls her pants down, and he does all these things, and the cops come and stop them.
And he takes off the helmet, and he's just--tears are just coming down his face.
[Laughs] The girlfriend feels sorry for him.
And she participates in this, but they both get citations.
And it's just dirty, and policemen-- and that's the end of the fantasy.
- Okay.
- And I'm the girl - Oh, well.
- With the grieving man.
There you go.
- Well, how nice for you.
- Yeah.
Um, well, listen, enjoy your journal entries That you call a blog.
Um, so--and the five people who read them.
I mean, I can't imagine you have a lot of people that-- Actually, I put that one up last night, and I had 250,000 people log on to that.
- How m--did you say 250,000? - 250,000 people.
- That's a lot.
- It is.
[Laughs] Well, that's very impressive, you know? I mean, look, I'm sorry to be so hard on you.
And, you know, to make up for it, I'm willing to offer my-- Oh, my-- you are not gonna believe this.
- What? - My tape recorder is not on.
Would you mind terribly if we start over? I am so sorry.
Well, that's all right.
My apologies.
This has never happened.
I-we could do it again, maybe, on your blog.
Oh, my God.
[Jazz music] Oh, yes, there it is.
Richard, you look very happy.
You're welcome.
Glad you appreciate the job.
Um, what? No, my hair and makeup's not too expensive-- I don't think--it is what it's supposed to cost.
Well, I can't lower it.
I can't.
Is this--wait a minute-- is this Ben Tomlund asking you to talk to me about that? Well, he must be behind this.
Well, he's always out-- I'm sorry.
[Computer tone] I don't think he's very good, and you must see it in-- oh, you've sent me another picture.
Thank you.
But it's Ben though.
I mean, he makes mistakes that I can see.
You must be able to see other ones in the finan-- [computer tone] No? Not any? You can stop sending me pictures now.
Yes, I remember what you look like.
You know, I didn't get you this job, so you could flirt with me endlessly.
No, that was flirty.
No, what you said was flirty, I think.
Do you remember-- All right, lady MacBeth, you can protest all you want, but-- No, that was-- it was flirty.
Yes, it-- yes, it was.
[Jazz music] [Beep] - Hello.
- Hey.
I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
Hi, I'm Allegra.
- "Fav-rew"? - Fav-- - "Fav-row.
" - Favreau.
What seems to be your issue? Why are you seeking therapy? [Laughs] 'Cause you laugh inappropriately? Um, no.
I'm not used to people being able to talk easily to me.
You know, it's hard.
I'm an actress.
I understand if you're a little nervous, and-- well, I'm not nervous.
Are you a famous actress? Um, yes, I'm a famous actress.
[Laughs] I see.
Oh, I see.
You were in a show called Pioneer what? Both: Prairie Days, Teepee Nights.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I've heard of that show.
I have.
[Goofy laugh] I'd be so-- I'd be so worried if you hadn't.
Well, I was in college, so I didn't see much TV at the time.
You were in college during that? - Well, a freshman.
- Really? I think.
But I was busy.
I didn't watch television.
I mean, I was a kid then.
I played a little-- I played a little girl.
- Mm-hmm.
- I would have thought-- well, you played a little girl, but you were obviously probably a little older.
No, I was a little kid.
Okay, all right.
Well, all right, good.
I played a little Native American girl - called Baby Dove Hatching.
- Right.
You've never heard of Baby Dove Hatching? Yes.
No, it does.
It sounds very familiar.
I see also you worked with Tyne Daly, who I think is wonderful.
- She's amazing.
- Unless I'm thinking of-- it is her, then, not the blonde one? Which one was in Gypsy? Both: Tyne Daly.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, we did a production of Waiting for Godot.
Okay.
An all female production of Waiting for Godot.
Interesting.
Oh, it was a long wait.
[Goofy laugh] A long wait Very funny.
- You know the play? - No, I don't.
Both: Okay.
But, um, no, that's wonderful.
And then--oh, you were in a series very recently-- Sober House Lockdown? I've heard of the show, but I don't watch that kind of thing.
So you had an addic-- Well, it sounds to me like you don't watch much television, and this is the highest rated show on the air.
- Oh.
- I mean, it's really why there's so much interest in me at the moment.
I mean, there's always been interest - Right.
- But there is a lot right now, and kind of crazy in the blogosphere, um, because of Sober Lockdown.
[Stutters] I was on a show called Sober Lockdown.
I was locked down, and I am sober.
Well, that's one-- that's fine then.
That's wonderful.
I'm sorry I didn't know of your work.
Let's bring it back to why I'm here.
- All right.
- I was on an airplane.
Um, and I was-- - Where was I flying back from? - I don't know.
I was flying back from New York City.
- Okay.
- And I dropped my gum, and I was looking for it, and I went down the back of the seat pocket, and I was looking down there, and gummed to the SkyMall was the galleys of your book.
Oh.
The Whistling While I Work book.
Yes, that is my book.
Yeah, well, it was stuffed down like-- - On an airplane? - Yeah.
From where? From-- From New York back to Los Angeles.
Yes, okay, then-- But it wasn't a direct flight.
I guess it was lost.
So thank you.
You're just trying to return it to me, and I've been misunderstanding.
I thought you wanted treatment of some kind from me, and, really, you just want to return my book to me.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy, is this your lucky day.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay, um You're sitting down, so I don't have to tell you that you're sitting down.
Um, I-- [stutters] I'm in love with you.
- Oh.
- I really-- [stutters] I wanna buy this book - for my production company.
- Oh.
And I think Lifetime will really want to make a movie, um, starring me as, you know, the pretty version of you.
- How flattering.
- You get to be me! I mean, that's pretty flattering, right? No, I don't get to be you.
There will be a connection between you and I.
If I play you We will always be associated.
And that association is only gonna behoove you-- it's funny, I don't see that we would have that much in common.
Well, I know, because I'm kind of hipper and of a different generation.
But I feel like I could bring some "fla-vah" to you.
And you give me the opportunity to [Strained] Be so uptight.
Well, all right.
Well, I'll have to consider it, whether I want to write the adaptation - of my book for - Well, well-- a Lifetime movie.
You see, the way it works in Hollywood, is, um, you know, I say that I want to do something, and then I do it.
Oh, is that how it works? Kinda.
Um, well, when you have, you know, about you every day.
- I do? No.
- And hitting on you.
- I have, in fact, seven.
- No, I do.
- Oh.
- I do.
So I said this is what I wanted to do.
And I went to Lifetime, and they said, "this is a great idea.
" And the only thing is I forgot to, um, get your permission.
But, um Please can I be you? So then you want to option it.
How much is an option? Yes, $10,000 [Stutters] Is what they-- - is it? - Is what they had to offer you.
And then, obviously, there would be, um, there would be more money down the line - Oh.
- As a producer and your input.
Great, so we'll negotiate that.
Okay, well, that's wonderful.
All right.
Well, then, yes.
- Yes, I say.
- Great.
"Yes, I say.
" Yeah, that's wonderful, so-- "that's wonderful, so--" oh, you're trying to sound like me now.
I'm trying to sound like you, yes.
Oh, you're-- oh, that's very funny.
- "Oh, that's very funny.
" - Is that how it works? - That's how actors-- - "Is that how it works?" I just want to immerse myself in you, just completely imm-- Well, you have a long way to go.
You have a permanent smile.
Is that hard? Oh, well, maybe I'm just a happy person.
And you talk with your eyes shut sometimes.
I've never really analyzed myself.
- It's a little uncomfortable.
- Well, allow me.
Well, that's work you can do on your own.
Okay.
Um, well, it was wonderful to meet you, and I guess we will be in touch.
[As Fiona] I guess we will be in touch.
[Normal voice] This is so fun! Say something more.
[Jazz music] From Manly & Lacy.
Honestly, Kip, that was just a stupid-- That is addressed to me! - That is my box! - I'm opening it! It is not-- that's--look! There.
No! - You can't! It's mine! - I need to see it! - You don't have to see it! - Let me see this! - It's mine! - Oh, yes, wonderful, Kip! - It was a gif-- - Wonderful! It was a back-ordered gift for your mother.
For my mother? That's ridiculous.
No, it's not! I'm telling Ben Tomlund about this.
I don't care, Kip.
This is a horrible thing to do! - What do you mean? - What's your excuse? It's ano-- it's a "bachelor party" for the "law firm"? "Someone trying to sabotage you again"? My fingers are getting cramps! I don't know what you're talking about! We can't afford another sex scandal! [Computer tone] There will be no sex scandal.
Oh, wait, there's a Google alert for me.
- You're a lesbian? - No, I'm not.
- Course I'm not.
- Well, what does that mean? - This is just wrong.
- That explains a lot.
[Jazz music] It doesn't read like a fantasy.
Oh, please.
It reads like something that actually happened.
I mean, it doesn't look fake is the issue that I have.
And it's not just me, it's that I have a whole campaign behind me, - who's very unhappy.
- Hmm.
It's what we call, um, it's libelous.
Slanderous.
It's libel.
Oh, really? It's the Web.
It's the Web, Fiona.
Everybody knows that everything on the Web is a fantasy.
[Stutters] It's cute to hide behind the word "fantasy.
" However, you used the name "Filona W.
, wife of Pennsylvania candidate," which makes it not really much of a fantasy or any kind of fiction, to be honest with you.
Did you like the part where you show up at the party, and there's all the girls there, and you straddle the chair and take off your shirt, and then all the girls go in the water Well, I'm so happy-- and I washed your hair? - Yes.
- My boyfriend loved that part.
Yes, but you used pictures that I had sent to you for what I thought would be a legitimate article, and you animated them as if I were doing things.
Fiona, I pixilated the pictures.
You got to calm down.
You pixilated the suit I was wearing, so it looked like I was naked underneath the pixilation.
All right, this conversation is over.
I have to demand that you take down that blog.
No, I'm not gonna take it down.
I demand that you take down that blog.
Ooh, I like how mad you're getting.
You're going to hear from my attorneys.
- Well, I am mad.
- Ooh.
[Stutters] I'm piping-hot mad.
- You're so mad - How dare you! And so well-done, all coiffed hair with your little suit on, so serious with your therapy talk.
You're inspiring me to go blog.
- Good-bye.
- No.
No, don't do that.
[Jazz music] [Beep] Hello, Austen.
Hi, Fiona.
How are you doing? - I'm well.
- Another lovely shade of red.
Oh, oh, I'm glad you like it.
I do.
Matches your blushing cheeks.
How are things? They only blush when you're around.
Oh.
I'm red all over.
Oh, I can't wait to see in person.
- [Titters] Me too.
Soon.
- Listen.
- I want to tell you something.
- Mm-hmm.
Now I understand, you know, Ben has spoken with you about postponing the publication of my book till after the campaign, and that's heartbreaking, but I understand.
You know, what's ever best for all.
You're taking one for the team, Fiona, - and I really appreciate that.
- Thank you, thank you.
I look forward to the benefits that we'll reap later on.
Um, but I just wanted you to know that there's interest in the book from Hollywood.
- Really? - Yes, it's very exciting.
That's amazing.
It's no surprise.
Oh, thank you, it is.
It's full of drama and a very strong woman, so I guess, a lot of, you know-- that's just in demand, you know.
There's gonna be a lot of big stars desperate to play you.
Well, there's one in particular Who's interested in playing it, but it'll get done.
Why don't you let my film division handl-- Harvey could really help you out.
Oh, wow-- you don't need to look outside this ever again.
Rather not look outside this ever again.
But as long as this is already in the works-- thank you for that generous offer-- Why don't I just go out there and investigate how real it is and, you know, see-- Okay, sure.
You're your own woman.
I get it.
[Clicks tongue] Get the feel-- Okay.
As long as you like it.
That's great.
So I can have the jet for next week? [Air blasts] No, no, you can't have the jet next week.
We need the jet.
We're traveling all across the country.
- Yes.
- You can't have the jet.
You can have it on the weekend.
Oh, hello, Kip.
I didn't know you were there and listening and judging.
Well, I'm not.
I was in the bathroom, and, uh, but you can't.
We need the jet this week.
We've got campaign business all over the country.
In fact-- You can have it for this weekend.
Right now, we're actually on the way to, uh, have a meeting with Donald Trump.
- See the Donald.
- We're trying to get-- Donald's interested in backing me in the campaign.
Can you imagine what that will do? Well, that sounds fun.
- Mm-hmm, no, it won't be.
- Sorry I can't be there.
- Believe me.
- That would be great.
Well, I'm sure it's better that I'm not there, otherwise Donald Trump would just be flirting with me the whole time, and that would be awkward for, well, I guess, the both of you.
- It certainly would.
- Well, yeah, that's inevitable.
Now, listen, Fiona, the stuff that Ben has booked for you this weekend is very crucially important, so-- Oh, really? It's crucially important that I speak-- go to Lancaster and speak with the League of Amish Women Voters? They are a very powerful group.
Really? And that I appear on Mennonite Tonight? - Mennonite Tonight? - Yes, it's a popular show.
- Yes, they have a show.
- Of course it is.
- Sounds like a porn film.
- It's not a popular show.
Let's not-- it's an extremely-- in the sect, it's a popular show.
Do the Amish even vote? - I don't think so.
- Yes, of course they do.
- Do they? - Well, how dare you? Of course they do.
Well, they don't take part in society.
How dare you? How dare you? You know, I think this is Ben's baby.
He's organized this, and he has emailed me three times.
Are you having issues with Ben? Yes, Ben seems to like to try to drown the baby in the bathwater.
- What are you talking about? - Ben's baby.
Ben is the greatest thing that has happened in my life.
Since you, of course.
But Ben is very important.
He is the most-- he is behind me 100% in every way.
[Stutters] I wouldn't get up in the morning without Ben.
All right.
I'm slightly anxious that there's a schism here-- there's a Ben schism-- and we can't have that.
Well, there has been, because she, frankly, is just a little jealous of Ben, for some unknown reason.
- Jealous? Or burdened? - Well, I think you are! It's irrational behavior, and I just think Ben-- Irra--he makes one mistake after another, that man.
Let me talk to Ben, Fiona.
- Let me talk to Ben.
- Thank you.
I'll mop up this.
All right, well, thank you for the support.
- I appreciate it coming from you.
- Ben will be resolved.
Thank you.
And also, don't forget that little favor I was asking you about, to take care of that issue.
- I think it is important - Absolutely.
- That it gets taken care of.
- It's done, it's done.
[Laughs] - What is it, Kip? - Sorry.
Ben just sent me the funniest picture.
[Laughs] [Jazz music] It's kind of hot.
Stop it.
- That's insanity.
- Cut! Cut! Print! [Bell rings] Well, I don't know how blindly it is.
I mean, it's just important.
I mean, Austen, wouldn't you just say that Kip-- - wouldn't you say-- - Cut! Cut! [Laughter] [Bell rings] - My thing-- - Okay.
Hello.
No, you can have the jet for the weekend.
Uh Tom has booked you-- - "Ben," isn't it? - Yes.
Let's come in again.