Web Therapy (2011) s03e03 Episode Script

Believe It or Not

Previously on Web Therapy By the way, on that subject You might be getting a phone call from, uh I think they're, like, the U.
S.
attorney in Philadelphia or something.
- What? - It's about just wrapping up all the campaign, uh, loose ends.
And I'm sure there's gonna be a very lucky waitress, or some, you know, shop clerk who's going to be thrilled to be with You're probably, you know, a very good salesman, 'cause it looks like you have a nice office.
You're shrouding yourself.
I see it.
I might have planted a few cameras Hidden cameras? Illegally hidden? What is it, Robin? You want to bring down the campaign to what? Get back at me for I don't know what? That's who! This is fun Writing songs.
And it's so easy.
I think I'm going to walk in there tomorrow morning, spit-spot, and I am going to present these titles, and they are going to love them.
Hi, Franny! Oh! Hi.
I heard.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, it was a bloodbath.
That's what I heard.
I mean, like, not only screaming and yelling.
- Actual physical violence, and - Oh! - Yeah.
- Oh, no! - Oh, yes.
- Hayley could be vicious.
It's not enough to fire you and humiliate you, she had to physically attack you? She's a biter.
Yeah.
- Ooh, that's awful.
- Mm-hmm.
But if it makes you feel any better, I heard that they lost their investor, so the whole show might be over.
Oh, well.
Right.
I think it is.
I mean, it almost certainly is.
I took all of my music.
Oh, good for you.
And under no circumstances will I be restoring it to them.
- Good for you! - Thank you.
Well, you don't really seem that upset, to tell you the truth.
Oh, gosh, I was a wreck.
I mean, I was a complete basket case.
I headed out of that rehearsal room like I was heading out of a war zone, and I am grasping all of my music to my breast, clutching it.
- Right.
- I take my songs Your songs.
That's right, they're yours! My songs.
They're my songs - That's right.
- that I wrote.
I wrote every single one of these songs That's right.
- all by myself.
- Yes, you did.
And I thought to myself, "Oh, my God, I need a yogurt.
" And so I head to Yogurtland, and I am singing, because I'm actually feeling very empowered by what has happened.
And I hear a voice behind me say, "Oh, my God, are you Franny Marshall?" - Aw.
- Isn't that nice? Wonderful.
You have a fan.
I know, and I'm thinking the same thing.
I'm thinking, "Oh, my gosh, it's one of my fans.
" And I turn around and lo and behold, it is Lady Gaga.
Oh, she's very famous.
Lady Gaga is extremely There is probably no one more famous on Earth.
Right.
Yes.
Okay, turns out Lady Gaga is this huge fan of Franny Marshall.
Oh, wow! And she is obsessing over this song that I was humming.
Oh, which one were you humming? - "Extraordinary Woman.
" - Oh! And she said, "What's it called?" I said, "Extraordinary Woman.
" She said, "Oh, my God, I'm an extraordinary woman.
" Yes.
"I wear dresses made out of meat.
" And I said, "This is exactly the kind of woman that this song was intended for.
" Oh, that's a big compliment.
She loved what I was doing so much, she said, "Let me see your work.
" And I just happened to have these with me.
- Is that everything that - I handed them over.
She looked over my music.
And at the end, she said, "By God, I want to hire you exclusively to write all of my songs.
" Did she so she bought "Extraordinary Woman"? Did she buy "Smarts and Beauty" and "'F' is a Four-Letter Word"? She bought all of the songs that Our songs, too? The ones that I wrote? The songs that what? Well, the ones that I wrote with you.
You didn't write any songs with me.
You didn't write any songs with me.
I wrote all of these songs myself, as you know, and as you just said three minutes ago, that I wrote all of these songs completely myself.
I'm the one who's drinking like a fish.
Are you delusional? I'm just used to, you know, in the real world, during a session, which is what we had that night, you know, it's intellectual property and, you know, it's sort of mine and mine alone.
I think it was two women out at a bar, getting wasted, trying to pick up a pair of twins Is what it was.
You were interested in the twins, which was really one person.
You were just seeing double.
Well, whatever it was, it was very muscle-y.
Well, I'd hate to get into that area of lawyers and all of that.
I feel like, at this point, with the kind of money I'm going to be making, I can get into any kind of area you'd like to get into.
Well, but that's just for the sake of being fair.
It's, you know, it's my intellectual property and, you know, to be perfectly fair, I did collaborate with you.
I'm getting a call from someone named "Beyonce.
" Beyonce? Yeah, I'm just going to let it go to voicemail, but Oh, Beyoncé! Oh, because Gaga told me she was gonna hook me up with Oh, I love that! Beyoncé and Jay-T, her husband, he is She's married to James Taylor? What are you talking about? You don't know who James Taylor is? He's not married to Beyoncé.
Oh.
Oh! Who's married to Beyoncé? No, Beyoncé's married to Jay-T.
- Beyoncé - And then this, uh is married to Jay-Z! Someone named Jay-Z.
All ri In your version of it.
And so all the big pop stars she's turned me on to.
So in any event, I'm going to be writing songs for Jay-T-Z.
- Well - And you know what? Yes? Fuck Broadway.
Who cares about Broadway? Well, I couldn't agree more, except I mean, Broadway is for nerds.
Broadway is for losers.
Well, that's true.
I am now in the real world of music That's right, with all of these people who with artists, like Bruno March.
You might want to familiarize yourself with their names.
Obviously, I know all I need to know for now, because look what's happened.
Look where I've Look where this has put me.
Yes, I see where it's put you, but where does that leave me? What are you talking about? I'm just saying, there you are with all of that, - and then here I am.
- "Here I" - And I'm the one that helped.
- Wait a minute.
"Here I am"? "Here I am"? That's a good song for Gaga.
Here I am! Here I am, I'm Gaga! Oh, yes! I've got a dress made out of dogs! Wh I just did it again.
Here I am I've got a dress made out of frogs! Frogs or dogs? Which do you like better? Hello, Jerome.
Dr.
Wallice.
- What? - Hello.
No, no, that's my New York penthouse.
What are you doing there? Yes, well, I came to visit Hayley.
I came She's been staying at your apartment thank you so much for that when she has theater business.
No, you're not welcome.
I didn't authorize her to stay in my apartment.
Oh, but, I thought we talked about that when we were working on the musical, that we're all a team, and we all can work together on on the musical Then she won't be there much longer, because the musical's done.
Franny Marshall's quit, or got fired, and so - She did.
- Now the whole thing's over.
Right, exactly.
It seemed like it was over.
But there's a whole new burst of energy and excitement that I want to tell you about, because we have a brand-new investor.
Thanks to Hayley, of course, who's been doing such amazing work now with Quorum, as you know.
She has been introduced to, really, an angel, who has come in and wants to invest in the musical She's been introduced to an angel? Yes, and I'm going to introduce you to him as well.
- He's here in the apartment.
- Who? Hold on, hold on.
- Ugh! - She's on the phone.
Um, this is the head of Quorum - Oh.
- Mr.
Jackson Pickett.
You're the head of Quorum.
- I'm the angel.
- Yeah.
I can't believe you're here.
Hello, Fiona.
Hello, Jackson the head of Quorum.
Yeah.
SoUh Do you guys know each other? - We do.
- We've met.
Oh, you Did you go on the seminar that I told you to go on? No, I absolutely have not done the program.
We met.
We met, okay? You don't need to know any more than that.
Isn't the universe a wonderful, wonderful place? - Sometimes.
- Just by coincidence - Sometimes not.
- the two of us There are no coincidences, though, right? You taught us that.
- Right? - Well, sometimes.
- Okay.
- You're the one.
You taught the shrouding, and all of that ridiculous jargon that they keep hurling at me that is utter nonsense.
That's from you? Okay.
Good.
My God, you're so, so beautiful right now.
Yes, I've heard that, because you've told me about a million times how beautiful I am.
Thank you.
I don't like being deceived, Jackson.
I really don't.
- I didn't deceive you.
- Yeah, you set me up.
No, this was a complete coincidence.
Our paths crossed, the universe had its way.
We met We made love We fell in love.
And now that I know who you are, I'm going to make your musical.
No, I don't want you to make my musical, so no, thank you.
Do you want to hear something funny? Hayley has been imploring me to invest in this musical - See? - And I had no interest.
Until I found out that it was you.
It was meant to be, in a way.
You're the perfect subject for this musical, and it will do so much good for Quorum.
Yeah, see what "Book of Mormon" did forMormon? I mean, this is this could be a huge opening up of millions of people to to what Quorum can do.
But you were attracted to me before you knew I was the subject of the musical? - Well, yes.
- Is that what Is that true? - Yes, that is true.
- Okay.
Everything He will always tell you the truth, always.
I'm even more attracted to you now, because I see how how hollow you are.
- Yeah.
- That's not flattering.
It's like her life-wallet is empty.
Would that be correct to say? - Your life-wallet is empty.
- Yeah.
Good, Jerome.
Good boy.
You are you are at a deficit, emotionally.
Well, I don't feel that I am.
I feel perfectly fine, and I don't need any help from you.
- Is this how you show "love"? - She's shrouded.
This is your version of being "in love"? You don't need to do this.
Well, I do need to do this 'cause I need to highlight "the irony".
No, no, no.
Chop these fingers off.
Well, I don't think I will.
Put your fingers up.
Do this for me.
Put your fingers up, 'cause you're going to do quotes.
Now when you want to do the quotes, fold the fingers down into little fists Fists, great.
'Cause you want to fight your way out.
You want to fight your way out of who you are.
Pretty happy with who I am.
You want to love yourself.
You want to love me.
You want to love Quorum.
You know, just 'cause you say something ten times, it doesn't become true.
Is that the magical brainwashing number? - "Brainwashing"? - Ten? - There We face this every day.
- I'm sure you do.
We face the whole idea of brainwashing, of cultism.
This is not a cult.
- That is funny - It's the furthest thing - because - from being a cult.
it looks, smells, and sounds exactly like one.
What, are you a religion, and you're the Pope? See, she's You're insane.
She needs to learn "Loa-ho-ho," which is the "Listen with your heart.
" Right.
Well, listen.
You two can have your session, 'cause Jerome seems to get a lot out of this.
Well, Dr.
Wallice, it's really changed for me and Hayley.
I mean, it really will change you, trust me.
And the musical will flourish.
- You need to be changed.
- Yeah.
- No, I don't want to be changed.
- Like a baby Like a baby needs to be changed.
You're soiled.
Your diaper is soiled, and you need to be changed, and you can't see it.
But you're crying like a baby cries when they've soiled themselves.
They can't help themselves.
Maybe they're protesting the discomfort of what they're experiencing.
Exactly, you are protesting your discomfort.
Only in your company though, so you're the poop in my diaper.
You walk around with a loaded diaper every day of your life, and you don't realize it.
So have nothing more to do with me, and go ahead with the musical, but change the name.
I think May I suggest a soul sweep? - No.
- It's a very simple procedure.
- Procedure? - We have a licensed technician.
- What? - We have a licensed technician.
It's amazing.
It's very simple.
We connect you to a machine and it divulges the truths within you.
It doesn't take long, and it really it will change you.
Oh, well, if it doesn't take long.
No, I'll pass.
This is insanity, all right? No, the answer is no.
- It's simply no.
All right.
- Very well.
Then I, um, I'm going to be speaking to, I believe, an acquaintance of yours, Austen Clarke, um, who is looking to come on as an investor as well.
- No.
- I've never met him.
But I'd love to talk to him.
- Okay, yes, of course.
- Oh, he would love you.
I know who God is, too, and I've never met him, so, yes.
Maybe Austen and I could compare notes.
I wonder if he has any photographs as well.
No, but Mr.
Pollack, no.
Of course I'm not trying to interfere with your investigation of the campaign finance misappropriation.
No, no, I'm not.
I haven't I didn't get any of those messages.
What number were you calling? That's not my number.
That's Well, someone gave you the wrong number.
Who gave you that number? Was it Ben Tomlund? - Hello, Robin.
- Fiona Wallice? What in the world? - Surprised? - You could say that.
You're the last person I thought I would ever hear from.
I know it must be a bit of a surprise for you, I'm sure, yes, but I just wanted you to know that I've done a lot of self-reflection after the demise of the campaign.
I'm sorry, I just I wasn't listening.
I got distracted by how tired you look.
So it's been hard, huh? No, it actually hasn't been hard at all.
I mean, I'm, you know, spending a lot of time in New York.
I have a place there.
Just trying to hide out so people don't see you? Not at all, but that's getting off the topic.
What I wanted to say was, I wanted to pay you a compliment, because I've been online - looking at your work - Mm-hmm.
And I think it's really wonderful, what you do.
I know! I'm sorry to sound so surprised, but Well, no, I wouldn't It's an art form, and I wouldn't expect somebody like you to appreciate it at You know, because it's not It's a very sophisticated taste.
Well, then, even I was able to appreciate the art form, as un-accessible as you intended it to be, you know, and even I got it, so - I'm an auteur, really.
- I didn't know.
I knew, and I tried to tell you.
I really loved especially "Bras, Boobs, and Implants.
" - Ah! Did you? - That was fascinating.
Thank you, I thought that that film was particularly hard-hitting.
Right.
And Rupert Murdoch was actually very interested in it.
- Oh! - Which was great, yeah.
- He was interested? - He was.
And then? It turns out it was for his own personal use, which was not what I was hoping for.
Still, an endorsement from Rupert Murdoch is wonderful.
- Exactly.
- Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
I just wanted you to know that I'm just I'm sorry for you that none of the footage of Kip helped you with your documentary work.
Oh, no, it helped.
And I'm actually re-cutting it right now, and putting a new angle in, which is actually, it's about Kip, but it's more about me and what it's like to be a female documentary filmmaker and Oh, yourself as the subject.
It's going to be fascinating.
There's a lot of things about you in there, which I'm not so sure you're gonna wanna look at.
- You might - Oh, I want to see it.
- I want to see all of it.
- Do you? I'd love to see all the footage, and if you need help, oh, I'd be so honored, and moved, I mean I'm sorry, you're offering to help me re-cut my film - Yes! - about the campaign? I'd love to sit right next to you, looking at the footage, and if we can find the more interesting things about me that you'd like to make fun of, you know, I can be a good sport.
- I'd be thrilled! - All right.
Fiona, the jig is up, sister.
What's going on? You used to be much better at manipulating people.
This is, like I mean, you were never Robin Griner-level manipulation, but this is I mean, it's almost boring.
Well, the truth is that I am under investigation Ah.
for campaign finance improprieties of which I'm completely innocent.
- Oh, are you? - I am.
I'm being set up by Ben Tomlund.
I'm almost positive of it.
I just don't have any evidence, so I thought I wish you luck with that.
Thank you, and I could use your help.
If I could see the footage, I'm sure because you had cameras sequestered everywhere we must have something there of Ben maybe, you know, exposing his plot to set me up, somewhere? I actually have a ton of footage with Ben and Kip, and Ben and the other people working on the campaign.
Great, I would love to see it, 'cause it would really be helpful.
I'm innocent.
Well, I'm not saying that you're innocent, but sure, you can see the footage.
Oh, that was so easy.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Well, not for free.
- What? I, um, I know that you and your boyfriend Austen Clarke are having a party at MoMA next week for that British director, right? Right.
I don't remember his name.
Wasn't it Kenneth Branagh? Oh, yes! That's right.
But I think it's pronounced "Bran-auch.
" Right.
I think it's "Branagh.
" Interesting that you're hosting it but you don't know exactly who you're throwing the party for.
Well, that happens all the time in my circle, dear.
The first thing I want is to see the guest list.
The second thing is an invite to the event.
Austen knows a lot of the, you know, media moguls and Maybe do some networking with the U.
K.
? Yes, I think that coming to that event would be great for me.
Wonderful! So you'll come.
- We'll put you up at a hotel.
- Oh, you will? I'll pay for hair and makeup, even though it'll be very expensive.
That'd be great.
But I need all the footage.
- Okay.
- All of it.
- You cannot hold anything back.
- So, um We'll have contracts ready at the hotel.
Okay, a verbal agreement's good, so next let's see - next Thursday is the what? - Oh, my goodness! - Thurs - Are you f-fat? No, are you? No, I'm the same.
You're - I'm pregnant.
- Are you married? - You have a ring.
- Yes, I have a ring.
- I am married.
- Fast worker.
It's not actually that fast.
I knew him for quite a while.
I married Richard, actually.
- Pratt? - Mm-hmm.
Oh And he's the father of the baby.
- Is he? - Probably.
See you next week.
Hello, Jackson.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Oh, my pleasure.
I just was rethinking all of it, and everyone can use a little self-improvement, so thank you for being patient with me.
Thank you, and thank you for trusting me in this.
It will be very, very, very harmless.
- Okay.
- Very, very painless.
All right, 'cause I am a little nervous, but I got I received the package.
- This is the right device, right? - That's it.
You have that in front of you? Yes, except I don't know I can't figure out how to put these on.
- The wrist-lets.
- Yes.
Okay.
Well, you know what? - I have one here.
- I tried.
Let me get I have one.
- Yeah.
- Which I have the 8,000.
Which model did they send you? - The 6,000.
- Okay.
Well, mine's a little bit newer, but, essentially, it does the same thing.
- Okay.
- I'll take off my watch.
Oh, you'll put it on and show me? - That's great, okay.
- I'll show you, yes.
- So, see, the wrist-lets - Yes? - You strap in.
- Uh-huh.
Try to get them as tight as you can.
That's the hard part for me.
- You got that one on? - It's on.
It's not It's a very, very tough velcro, so you may need assistance getting this off.
Oh, really? We do it that way because, generally, people don't enjoy the first couple of minutes.
Once once you start to go, it'll be fine.
Okay.
But we don't like people just ripping them off.
"I-I don't want to do this anymore.
" - Right.
- And flip the switchon.
- Okay.
- You're good? - Yes.
- It's a different machine, but it essentially does the same thing.
Mine The newer models add a little tiny bit of an electric shock when a response is deemed false.
Oh! And that just gives a little added incentive.
Okay, so I'm gonna get shocked? - No, no, no.
- Shall I try out a lie? - On the 8,000.
- Oh, I don't have it.
So not to worry.
Okay.
I did! I got nervous! - Oh, green! - You're going to be fine.
- Okay, yeah.
- All right.
Are you ready for a few questions? Um, I'm not sure if I'm ready, but let's go.
Okay, that wasn't actually a question.
Okay, well, but still, I don't - It's okay.
- Okay.
Um, let's start with something just sort of fun.
Uh Are are you a blonde? No.
No.
I know you're not a blonde.
I, of all people, should know that - Because I saw you nude.
- Right.
UmAll right.
Let's get to some Are you financially independent? Yes.
Good.
Do you own real estate? Yes, with my husband.
Okay.
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? No.
See? These are all very easy.
- You're doing great.
- It is.
It's really easy! - Yeah, very simple.
- Oh, that's great! Do you have any questions for me? Well, um Have you ever been a salesman? No.
A little shock? - Just a tiny - Oh.
- Well - Was it used cars? No.
Was it, uh timeshares? No.
Ah! - Ah, yes, yes.
- Oh.
But but they were spiritually based.
Gah! FUh! Okay.
All right.
And is the Quorum just a way for you to make money? Excuse me? Is the Quorum something you invented so you can make money off of innocent people? Mm MmNo.
Gah! F Oh! Oh, it seems to increase in intensity.
I'm sorry, there seems to be something going on here.
Yes.
Well then, let me ask you this Is it that you think your whole membership are just losers and suckers? No, no.
F Ah! Mah! Gah! Wow, okay.
And do you try to sleep with every attractive female member? No.
Gah! - Ooh.
- Oh! Oh! Come on! Help! Help! I don't know if anyone's gonna help.
They're too busy watching.
You see, Hayley sent me the entire membership email list 'cause she knew I was going to join, and so I'm This is now a Skype-cast that I put out to everyone.
I put a link on the email, so everyone's watching.
Okay, well If that is indeed true, which I assume it is because your green light was going on, I just would like to say to anyone watching that this, uh, was merely a test.
Bah! F Okay.
- I guess not.
- Okay, you know what? - A test of what? - You know what, Fiona? You are a really horrible person! You were interested in the twins which was really one person.
You were just seeing double, but I have to tell you Cracked myself up.
Bruno March, Rayhanna - I mean, so many people - Oh, no She's hooked me up with I'm gonna be actually writing songs Do you mean Benihana? Are you talking about the res Japanese? Don't look at him with your eyes, but look at him with your asshole.
That's the way to look at this.
That's all I'm hearing.
That's ridiculous! You can't look at something with your asshole.
I'm actually embarrassed.
No! Gah! I I got the shock before I even said It's reading my thoughts!