Web Therapy (2011) s03e04 Episode Script

Case Files

Previously on Web Therapy I'm going to marry Gina.
But I want to tell you immediately that this will not affect our relationship at all.
- So they're looking into what? - It's about that hair and makeup account that you op wanted and opened.
But it's not my account! What is this about, the campaign finances? Can you help me? Did you have access to the accounts? Well, of course I had access to the accounts, but I don't anymore.
Hello, Gina.
- Fiona, thank God.
- Oh! Oh, my God.
I have my drink.
I'm ready for drinks.
Mocktail o'clock.
Mocktail o'clock, oh, that's Cheers.
I'm so happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you too.
Oh, thank God for this drink.
It's the only thing I like.
'Cause it reminds you of better days, more fun days.
Yes, more fun days.
I hate my life.
- Poor baby.
- It sucks.
I know.
It's very hard, huh? Oh, my God.
I'm miserable.
My back is killing me.
Oh! There's your belly button.
Oh, God.
Get it out of me.
I hate this thing.
I know.
I can't do that.
This is bullshit.
Well, how about you sit down? - Okay.
- And then it's easier, I think.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know? It's a lot of strain, up and down, right? Where are you going, anyway? I'm going to Paris to go shopping.
It's bullshit.
But most women would be thrilled to go to Paris to go shopping.
I hate Paris.
The women are mean, and they spit on me and call me a whore in the streets.
- Really? - Oh, it's awful.
Yeah, the Parisian women are the toughest.
Yeah, they don't like American women, I think.
Or maybe it's just me.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And they smoke everywhere.
And they bring their dogs into restaurants.
Right, it's allowed.
And they got mad at me for ordering coffee before a meal.
Well, they're not American, you know? They don't have that service-industry mindset.
You're so right about that.
- Yes.
- You're so right.
We're service-oriented, you and I.
You definitely are.
Well, I mean, I just want to be planning my wedding.
Oh, yes.
That's what we're meant to be talking about, right? - Yes.
- Yeah, all right.
Um, so I know Austen feels very strongly about Scotland, which will be so romantic, on his estate, and it'll be really beautiful.
I'm not having it in Scotland.
I want it to be classy, like the old Greeks.
Oh, "classic.
" - Yes, classic.
- The classics.
So I was thinking about asking him if we could have it in Rome.
For the Greek wedding, you want it in Rome? - What do you think? - I think it - I think it's very you.
- Oh, my God.
We should have it in Vegas at Caesars Palace.
I love their salads.
I love their frickin' salad.
That would be so much fun.
- And more Roman.
- Oh, my God, so Roman.
Or you know what, in Caesars Palace, they have this lounge where it's actually, like, a giant ice locker where you can go in there, and you can drink vodka and just freeze to death, and it's so much fun.
It's like, you get drunker than ever.
We have to go.
We could have the bachelorette party at the same time as the wedding.
And it could be women only.
- Wouldn't that be fun? - Well, you need a groom.
Austen needs to be there, dear.
But it's really about the bride.
- What? - It's about the bride.
It's my day.
It's my special day.
And I feel like for my special day, I want to be with you, and I want us to be in twin outfits and wear tiaras and have, you know, obelisk drinks.
Oh, that would be fun.
But it's That's gonna be difficult to talk Austen into, I just have to say, because Well, then maybe I'm not gonna get married at all.
Well what? Why does it have to Yeah, I guess our work is done here, 'cause basically Caesars Palace or no wedding.
Oh, I haven't seen this Well, I can talk to Austen.
Yeah, you should.
- It's my special day.
- Right.
It's my motherfucking special day.
Maybe don't need to get emotional.
I'll talk to Austen and make sure that it's at Caesars Palace, okay.
Yeah, you do that.
You do that.
All right.
I'll fix that.
Okay, so I mean, I'm going to Paris.
Maybe I should get you a maid-of-honor gift.
Oh, well, yes.
I mean, I would love an Hermès scarf or What about an éclair? To eat Well, the custard would go bad, dear, so - You don't want an éclair? - Well, as long as you're gonna be in Hermès getting me the scarf, how about Oh, you know what, an Hermès a Birkin bag.
A big, black one, the biggest kind they have.
- That would be nice.
- I'm gonna get you the biggest, blackest Birkin bag and put an éclair in it.
All right.
Yes, all right.
Well, I'll I'll Yes, I'll get the passwords.
I'll find out as much as I can.
And I am I'm I am being cooperative.
Let's say that I'm being cooperative.
I'm speaking with you, so No, I would love to cooperate.
I would love to, if I had the opportuni Didn't have the opportunity to cooperate before.
Hello? Hello? Oh.
I didn't hear him say good-bye.
Fiona, hi.
Oh, you You answered my call.
You alw You never do.
Well, I can't when Ben's in the room.
He's locked in the bedroom, watching the Heidi Klum channel.
I don't There's something on there.
There's no Heidi Klum channel.
Well, it's she's on the "Lifetime for Women" show.
- Okay.
- I don't know what it is.
- Anyway, what is it? - Project Runway? 'Cause I don't have a lot of time.
Oh, because Ben might catch you talking to me? - That's insane.
- He gets very, very jealous.
I think he's jealous of me.
- Kip - Right.
That investigation has really heated up.
They're really after me, and I think Ben's behind it.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You've done nothing wrong, and Ben is not behind anything.
It's getting serious.
Yeah, but you're innocent, so what's the problem? Just just tell the truth.
You don't know anything about it.
And then there's nothing wrong.
No, but I need to address the actual account, but I can't get into any of the accounts.
I don't have the passwords.
Do you? Well, I don't remember the passwords.
Ben wrote them on a piece of paper and put them in my briefcase on the day we closed the office.
In your briefcase? - Yeah, but I don't have that.
- Okay.
No, no, so they were sent to the house, okay.
Yeah, there were some boxes sent to the house.
So just go through them and find the passwords, and I'm sure it'll all be fine.
I haven't seen any boxes.
All right, I'll look I'll ask Ben's, Ben's, Ben's - Hey.
- Hi, Ben.
So, I'm just talking to Fiona about, uh, the - Oh, really? - Yeah, she got some They're doing some campaign financing investigation.
Yeah, they're investigating me.
Yeah, I know.
I brought that up to you.
- Yeah.
- No, no, but it's a real It's not, "Oh, it's nothing," okay? Well, it was nothing when I left you with it, so I You probably did something stupid.
- I don't know.
- Really? I did something stupid? - She's done nothing wrong, Ben.
- I don't know.
I didn't say wrong.
I said stupid, you know? Well, stupid is different.
No, he's gonna de He's setting me up.
- No, he's not setting you up.
- No one's setting anyone up.
Okay, well, you know, you think of me as an uncooperative person? Just wait.
Well, speaking of which, I'd like to maybe This is your divorce petition you'll be getting - Oh.
- which me and Stefan and Stefan have been working on.
They're both named Stefan? It's "Steffen" and "Stefawn," all right? And one of them was a lawyer in Macedonia.
This is a You picked a winner, Kip.
Fiona, this is not a competition.
Okay, do you hear that, Ben? It's not a competition.
No, it's not.
So you can stop trying to destroy me, okay? You know what, I'm not trying to destroy you.
That Whatever is going on with that investigation is - all on you, girlfriend.
- Oh, okay.
He doesn't mean it.
Honey I mean, Fiona.
- Fiona, he doesn't mean it.
- Honey? No, you know what, I call her honey sometimes.
Yes, we've been married for 19 years.
You can't just, poof, make that go away, - as much as you'd like to, Ben.
- Well, you can, actually.
It's called a divorce decree.
And we are looking forward to the day, let me tell you.
Okay, you know what, let's just all take a deep breath.
Let the air in, let the air out.
Is this what you're learning in one of your Southwest classes? Yes, I'm taking a meditation class, just so I can be calm, because I'm not sleeping.
You're not sleeping? No, we barely sleep in our bed.
Ben, let's not talk about the private stuff.
Anyway, I'm gonna just finish packing, and this, you'll get in the mail.
- Eh, whenever.
- Just take your time, Fiona.
- It's not urgent.
- It's not urgent.
- No.
- That's what I thought.
Oh, it's urgent, all right.
And you will sign tout de suite, as they say in French Canada.
- And in France.
- And in Fran also in France.
It's not just French Canada.
- Okay.
- All right? I got to go.
You know why? I got some ironing to do.
Look, Fiona, I He's got a heart of gold.
- He's setting me up.
- But he's No, he's not.
No, he is not setting you up.
I have no other explanation for how I am all of a sudden under the spotlight of this.
His bark is worse than his bite.
Believe me, I know.
He's really got a heart of gold.
He really means well.
And his interests his best interests are for me.
And he just wants me to be okay, and God damn it, Kip, we got to go! - Okay, okay.
- I need to find your jeans, and I got to iron them! I got to go.
I got to go! - Oh, hi, Dr.
- Oh, hi, Jerome.
What are What? Why are you in my home in New York, why? Oh, no, I came to New York to visit Hayley.
Well, what is Hayley doing there? - The musical is over.
- Oh, I thought you Did you get that email I sent you? - I sent you an email - I don't read your emails.
That was about how Hayley is going to be staying here to help out and pick up packages when you're not here.
I have a doorman for that.
I told the doorman to give her the key.
So the doorman is unnecessary? I don't have to pay those fees anymore? No, Freddy loves the fact that there's someone in the building, and he and Hayley get along really, really well.
- In fact, one time Yeah.
- Oh, good.
So we're really adding to the community by making yours and Hayley's life so much easier at my expense.
No, no, no.
She's buying her own food.
I told her to make a shelf and label it "Hayley.
" I mean I mean You're abusing the privileges that come along with working - for a person like myself - Right.
who is very important and has all of these wonderful things.
She hasn't taken a thing from your She has not taken a thing, and I've told her to replace toilet paper as well and, um, she's been very, very good at keeping everything - very much like she found it.
- Great, I don't want to see - a trace of her once she's out.
- Right.
And I don't want her living there when I'm not there.
- Doesn't work for me.
- Well, I had told her I was coming to visit, and she's not here, which is strange.
But some of I guess some of Mr.
Wallice's things are here, - 'cause I did find - No, Mr.
Wallice's things, of course, should not be there.
Well, there's, like, a chrysler building thong and a bunch of boxer shorts and a few personal hygiene items that I was surprised to see, like, on the floor - and on the way to the master - What? Those aren't yours? Well, of course they're not mine! Well, they can't be Hayley's, I don't think.
The rubber sheets Who is she entertain The what? Well, there's rubber sheets on the master bedroom, and I just didn't think that they were We have them at our house, but that - What? - I don't think she would Well, maybe she misses me.
And she really It's It's kind of a comfort from home.
I don't want rubber sheets on my bed.
I don't want anything happening on my bed that would require rubber sheets, either.
- I don't think that's happening.
- On my bed? Not even in the guest room? - This is a lot of nerve, Jerome.
- Right, yeah Good note.
I'll tell Hay You know, Hayley and I will talk.
- Get her out.
- Yeah, okay.
- That makes sense.
- But before you get her out find out what she did, please, with the boxes of campaign things that were sent to the house in Philadelphia.
- Oh, yeah.
- I can't find any of them.
It was all Yeah, it was all one box.
She sold it in the yard sale.
And a guy, one guy, bought the whole lot.
It was a lot.
A lot I know, it was a lot of stuff.
No, he bought it as a lot.
- What? - He bought it as a lot.
Yes, because it was a lot of stuff.
- I'm speaking English.
- Right, no, me too.
He sells a lot.
He sells a lot at a time.
Okay, well, I want him to take the many things, or a lot of things, that he bought from me and sold to someone else I need it back.
My guess is he sells it off on eBay, but I'll talk to Hayley about trying to track who that guy was, whether she gave him a receipt or not, but I - I want it.
- Okay.
I need to know who it is.
End of story.
It's crucially important.
- Okay Oh! - I need it.
I hear some I think someone's here.
But the doorman didn't call up to announce anyone.
I know, but I heard a grunt.
They must be delivering something, 'cause someone - I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Did you hear that? They're saying, "I'm coming.
I'm coming.
" Someone's obviously about to get here.
Let me - Ah, I'm coming.
- Yeah, do you hear that? - I'm coming.
- It's getting louder.
- I'm coming.
- Now I do hear it.
I think they're about to get here.
- I'd better open the door.
- You'd better.
- I'm coming.
- Yeah, I'm right here.
Hello? So, see? Luckily, I was able to track down Kip's briefcase.
There it is, right? Yeah, all right.
So now vote for that one.
Okay, so vote higher then.
Well, they want a max bid right now, but I think I'm gonna snipe it.
I don't all right, I don't know what that is.
I'm gonna put $1,000 in at the last second and then grab it.
- That's too much, though.
- No, it You won't pay 1,000.
You'll wind up paying only, like, 150.
All right.
Do what you need to do.
See, there's 30 seconds left.
So I'm gonna enter in $1,000, and at the last minute, I'll put enter.
- That's sniping? - That's sniping.
You know, there was a fly in here the other day.
I don't see it now.
I didn't Oh, your CD came of the four tenors.
Oh! What happened? - "Auction over.
" - Oh.
- Did we get it? - No.
Why not? What do you mean? We were outbid.
Someone else sniped it.
What How did that You were going to snipe it.
I know, but we got You had to tell me about the fly.
- Who is Who got it? - "Karen4Kip.
" Who's Karen4Kip? Hello.
Are you Karen Sharpe? I'm Fiona Wallice.
And I Are you okay? Well, I know you're Fiona Wallice.
Oh, you do Yes, I've become quite famous from my work in therapy.
I have a unique treatment modality.
I've been getting a lot of attention for that.
Are you calling me? I am Yes.
This is really happening.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Do you Anyway.
- This is is this - Hi, Fiona.
- Hello, Karen.
- How are you? You have a lot of campaign and Kip memorabilia there.
Yes, I have a lot of campaign memorabilia.
It's in safe hands with me, Fiona.
Kip's Kip's everything.
Just so you know, I've been policing the Internet and eBay and several other sites just to be sure that Kip's things are in safe keeping with me.
- Uh-oh.
- It's very nice - to see you, honey.
- You too.
Can I ask you, is this where you live? Or is this a warehouse? No, this is this is can you see can you see your husband in the background? I see, yes, that's the from the campaign.
I don't want to be insensitive, but you're so you're a hoarder? Huh? It seems that you're Is this where you live? - This is where I live.
- And you've hoarded all of this? No, no, I've organized and safe safekeeping and filed and, you know, everything is precision and in its perfect place.
I'm just a little indoorsy.
Oh, okay.
And uh-oh.
- Fiona? Fiona? - Yes? You're as beautiful on Skype as you are on television - Thank you.
- And in the photographs with your husband on the campaign trail, and I'm so honored to be speaking to you right now.
Oh, I'm so happy to bestow that.
And I-I, um Oh, that's a but Oh, you've adorned one of the buttons.
Yes, I have.
I've been thinking about Kip so much.
You know, we haven't heard much of him in the last few months, and I've just been missing his presence a little bit on the computer, and Yes.
No, he had to go away for a little bit after the big scandal, you know? It's nothing.
Those things come and go, as you know.
They do come and go.
And you two are so profoundly important to the culture as we know it and to politics and and such wonderful examples of human beings.
- Oh.
- Um, anyway Thank you.
I'm glad you I am, anyway.
I don't know about Kip, but Oh, I know about Kip.
So you didn't see any of the footage of Kip and Ben Tomlund? That must have been painful for you.
I understand that.
I didn't like it.
But, you know, it's a cruel world.
The Internet is is a scourge.
It's a scourge.
I mean, the things that these kids can create now with these special effects.
That wasn't Kip's head in that zipper.
That was somebody pasted the back of his head into that position.
And the other piece of Well, you can't really call it footage.
But the other visual that we got was just Kip, like, reaching and reaching and, you know, reaching and not getting what he wanted.
I mean, I beg to differ.
I think he got exactly what he wanted.
He's with him right now.
Well, I'm sure you two have a stronger bond than, - you know, any of this.
- Got it.
I think it's probably best that I don't argue with you.
You know, it's funny.
I just wanted to, um, let you know that I'm aware that you recently purchased something on eBay.
Um, Kip's briefcase.
Oh, yes.
I have that.
I have several other things of Kip's.
Would you like to see them a few things? Sure, yes.
- Okay.
- I will see them.
Just gonna go back here.
- Okay.
I'm still here.
- Okay.
- First, I have a soil sample.
- What? A soil sample from Kip's Altoona campaign.
This was between the flagstones on his walk Oh, real soil.
Not night soil.
- Yes.
- Yes, I have that.
- Whew! - I have a few items that I retrieved from Well, it's a long story, but I have some some of Kip's takeout - What? - containers.
- Really? - Yes.
This is for sure Kip's, as you'll know, because the dressing, on the side.
That Kip, dressing on the side, that's him.
- Kip, nonfat.
- Right.
On the campaign trail - Possessed.
- What? Safe as can be with me.
Oh, thank you then.
Thank you.
I had to take a long, terrifying trip to Philadelphia, to the campaign headquarters.
- Oh, you went there? - Mm-hmm.
It's different outside these days.
- There's a lot of coffee - Right.
- Rest stops - Yes.
That third brake light.
The third brake light? Yes.
I don't Also, this is Kip's favorite album.
Oh, yes.
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Elton John.
Yes, yes.
No, I knew that.
I'm sure your favorite album as well.
Of course.
I love her.
What's your favorite band, Bee Gees or Doobies? Bee Gees, of course.
I knew it! - Oh, see.
- I knew it! Wow, we're really in sync.
- So we're very in sync.
- We're very in sync, so So I have the briefcase as well.
Yes, and I would love to unburden you with it.
I know you spent over $100.
I'll give you $200 so that you're not at a loss, you know.
And then you can purchase maybe a few thousand other things of Kip's with that money.
How does that sound? I've, uh I don't I'm not gonna part with the briefcase.
I think it's probably safest here, as you - Safer than with his - Safe with me.
It's in a super secret, super safe - Right.
- archive - Uh-huh.
- here in a, um not exactly in this room, but in, uh, two rooms over.
Can I ask, did you look inside of it? - Was there anything inside? - Beautifully crafted Beautiful, tough, brown leather, very manly.
- Beautiful.
- Yes.
I picked it out, so - I'm sure you did.
- Yeah.
- Well you know what - Can I ask you something else? - Oh.
- Just a little girl talk.
- Yes, of course.
- Okay.
How many times have you had the big sex? - What? With - Before Kip, before Kip.
Before Kip? How many Domestic.
Domestic tally only.
Well, before Kip, I'd say none.
He was my first love.
I love that about you too.
Oh, yes.
And it's true.
It's an inspiration, you know that.
I'm so happy that you saved yourself for Kip, because that's what I'm doing.
Good for you.
It it'll it'll be a long wait.
We'll see.
Can I ask you if he is a sensitive lover? If he's a what? A sensitive lover.
Oh, he's extremely sensitive.
Very sensitive.
- I think, um - Is he considerate of you? He's very yes, he's very considerate.
He doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, so his eyes are shut tight.
And sometimes, he even would put, you know, like, a cloth over my head.
Do you still have the cloth? Yes.
Oh, Fiona.
Can I get the cloth? You know what? I have something because you're doing such a wonderful job as the custodian of Kip's world, I have something I think you would love to have, and I'd be honored if you would accept it.
It's, um, Kip's running shorts.
And I haven't gotten around to washing them yet.
- So it's Kip's sweat as well - Kip's sweat? in the running shorts, and so I would love for you to have it.
Oh, I'm glad that makes you happy.
- And you know they'll be safe with me.
- They will be safe with you.
- Now I don't trust the mail - Thank you, Fio 'cause I don't know what they're going to do to it.
They could lose it.
Someone else can touch it.
So I'd be honored to personally bring it to you, and then we can we can even meet and say hello in person.
I look forward to it.
When do you suppose you'd be coming with Kip's sweat? I could be there tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Yes, I'll come in the morning.
It's lucky, because I just did a once-through, and I-I, um, you know it's pinpoint precision here in your honor.
So I'll I will see you tomorrow morning, all right? - With the running shorts.
- And the face cloth.
- I had nothing to do with this.
- Maybe I want a twat clause in my form against you.
Maybe I need notice.
Why don't we just have a mutual de-twatification? All right, stop saying that word! - Oh, okay.
- It's vulgar.
First of all, it's not a word.
No, it actually, it is.
If a word can be formed, it can be said.
We I know a bird that can say that word, at Pico Pete's.
It's tricky, isn't it? Oh.
There's ice in here.
Oh oh! - Wow, that is convenient.
- That's me with props.
And cut.
Well, no, I know, but I don't think Rashi Rashida.
Oh, my God, look at me.
I don't think that Hayley, um - I don't think - Go, "I know, I know, but.
" I know So if I empty it, I'll bring you a fresh Boink! What happened? I mean, he is interested in in even the rich getting richer, Fiona.
That is important.
All right, good, good, good.
"Even the rich getting richer.