Web Therapy (2011) s03e05 Episode Script

Stage Struck

Previously on Web Therapy I'm I'm married now.
Well, good for you, Richard.
I'm in a very, very healthy, happy relationship with somebody who is sweet and nice.
I know that you and your boyfriend Austen Clarke are having a party at MoMA next week - for that British director, right? - Right.
The first thing I want is to see the guest list.
The second thing is an invite to the event.
Austen knows a lot of the, you know, media moguls.
So I have the briefcase.
Yes, and I would love to unburden you with it.
I don't I'm not gonna part with the briefcase.
I think it's probably safest here, as you - Safer than with his - Safe with me.
Wallice? Wh-where did you go? Are you still there? Did you - God! - What happened? There are things here.
Oh! Okay - Did you find the briefcase? - No, of course I didn't.
'Cause I thought I saw the handle the brown handle Yes, it was brown.
But it wasn't a handle, okay.
It moved.
Everything you pick up here scurries afterward, all right.
There's these little things with yellow teeth and bald tails.
I'm pretty sure they're kittens, you know, before they get furry and cute.
- They sound like rats to me.
- Well, I can't have that.
Maybe you can ask her to come and help you look for it.
Oh, yes, that's a brilliant idea.
Okay, it's been two hours.
I don't know where she is.
She's disappeared.
To get in here, I had to bring a whole stack of washcloths, okay, and tell her those are the face cloths that Kip It's too long a story, but I'd throw them in, and as she would go to collect them, I'd move my way in, and then she just ran away.
Well, hoarders are very, very tricky.
I know, I did a little bit of research, and I've watched every episode of that show.
Some of them actually have their toilet seats fused to the flesh of their ass.
- You're not helping.
- Sorry.
Oh, here she is.
All right.
- Oh - Hello.
Hi, Karen, I Fiona, I hear you moving things around in there.
All right.
Why don't you come out No, no, I'm not going out there.
I hear you shuffling around, I hear you moving things around, and there there Fiona, there is a place for everything, and now, there is not.
I can hear it, and I can see it.
- What? - I can see it.
- I didn't - The world heritage site puzzle - and the Mona Lisa puzzle - Okay.
are not in perfect alignment.
Okay, well, you Am I to fix it? No, I'm No, no, no, no! I'm grateful for your visit and for your attention and obviously for the shorts.
- Oh.
- I'm very grateful, and I feel like I've made a new friend.
- Oh.
- But I'm just you promised - you wouldn't move anything, so - I wasn't going to, but I heard some movement.
I think you have kittens, hopefully, living in here.
No? - That's - I used to.
That's really bad news.
- Okay.
- Did you scream out "Todd"? No, I didn't.
Okay, anyway, I want to just thank you so much for that.
I'd appreciate it if you would if you wouldn't mind leaving as soon as you neatly, as soon as you could.
I will.
You know what, I am I'm going to leave, because I'm as the former custodian of all of Kip's possessions, I'm so happy to see that someone else - has taken on the role.
- See? Tenderly.
- Yes.
- And in fact, I think I have a box that will keep the smell.
I think it's just over here.
That's wonderful and not at all abnormal.
- Ah! - What? - Did it move? - Got it.
Oh, the box.
- Look, nice and neat.
- Oh, wonderful, okay.
Anyway, thank you for the gifts.
- Sure.
- Thank you so very much.
It's nice to meet you, and please leave.
I will, I see I've unsettled you, and so I'll just leave the little surprise in the briefcase, the little puzzle that Kip left, and I'll just keep my fingers crossed that you can figure it out - without my help.
- Did he what? - What? - Did What puzzle? Well, there's a little puzzle, a surprise mystery in the briefcase that's He knows I like puzzles.
I guess he Of course he does.
- Aw, in the briefcase? - Knew that It's in the briefcase, yeah.
But I'll go, and hopefully you can figure it out without No, no, no, no, no, I'm sure you're gonna want to know a little bit about it.
- It's Kip's puzzle, after all.
- Thank you, thank you, yes.
Oh, you're so generous.
Okay, I'll just put this right here, okay.
- Got the briefcase.
- That's great.
Oh, and there you are under Kip.
- That's where you sleep? - That's where I sleep.
With Kip, he's the top, and you're the bottom.
I'm the bottom He's the top, and I'm the bottom That's wonderfully fun.
Well, there's nothing in the briefcase.
Oh, yeah.
Look, there is.
Can you bring it closer? I can't see, I mean Here's something in Kip's handwriting.
Yeah, what does it say? - Okay, it says - Mm-hmm.
"Over the rainbow.
and Mr.
Tomlund-Wallice forever.
" Ugh.
"Cinnamon lips and honey buns.
" - Oh, please.
- "Sugar love, be my love" - Honey buns? Honey buns? - Honey buns.
- B-U-N - B-U-N-S.
- "S," not even clever.
- Honey buns.
"Sugar love.
" "Be my love frosting.
" Sweet.
How many are there? There's two more.
Uh, "Celine, for u-s always.
" "For u-s always.
" - "For u-s always.
" - "For us always.
" - Yes, "For u-s always, Celine.
" - Oh, yes.
And "Toto, come home.
" - That's a puzzle.
- Isn't that fun, for you to figure out? I know, I don't know, what is it, - like, an anagram or - Yeah.
Anyway, it's a keeper.
- Okay, great.
- Put that right here.
- Wonderful.
- I'll know exactly where it is.
- It won't move.
- Okay, great.
Good, all right, so that was the surprise.
- There's another surprise.
- Oh.
- Letters.
- Letters.
Possibly love letters between you and Kip.
Did you write love letters to each other? Oh.
- Yes, I'm too shy.
- "My darling Kip, "you are my favorite way to spend the weekend.
Bottoms up.
" Oh.
Signed Fiona? Just a big, pretty heart.
That's a "B.
" "My darling Kip, just a note to tell you "how much I love you and miss you.
"I can't wait to be with you this weekend.
"Make sure to bring your swimsuit.
Love, you know who.
" Oh.
Very special.
"My darling Kip, I love you so much.
"Can't wait till we can be together every day.
- Your beloved.
" - Yeah.
Aw! I mean, I'll save these for you.
- Thank you.
- And I love the handwriting.
- Oh, thank thank you.
- It's sweet, you know, and very, very feminine, just like the handwriting in your diary.
- In my in my diary? - Mm-hmm.
- You have my diary? - Yes, I do.
Found it on the dumpster dive in Philly.
It was all shredded, and but I put it Oh, you've got shredded documents.
- I've got it right over here - That you're calling - in a safe place.
- Wonderful, well, I'm I don't how that you even know it's a diary, that's It's the same handwriting as the letters? Yes, and you know I love puzzles.
- Oh, that's right.
- Look, you can see - I yeah.
- that these are taped - shreds.
- Wow.
That's how much care I take of your things.
- It's so impressive.
- So please don't move.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Yes, it's beautiful, and and and beautiful it makes me happy to be your friend.
Me too, I'd be honored to hear you say my words.
- "I feel like I'm Kip's Maria.
" - Aw.
"And 'F' is the baroness.
" What did you mean by that? Well, I-I um, I'm trying to remember.
- Beautiful.
- It sounds like a reference - to something.
- Yes, and I've got all Maria and the baroness.
The Sound of Music! The Sound of Music.
It's from The Sound of Music.
I knew it! My favorite too! Oh.
Anyway, and so I got all the way up to I know there's loads to go.
- Ooh, yes.
- And the very last thing is, you say, "And here's my plan to get rid of 'F.
'" F "To get rid of 'F.
'" To get rid of fear.
- Fear, probably.
- Fear.
You're a mysterious and profound woman.
Happy to know you, Fiona, but please leave.
Yes, of course, I should leave.
- Okay.
- All right, well, I just I will leave, and I want to do something for you, so No, that's unnecessary.
I feel you've done quite quite enough.
Well, but you need lunch, - surely, what do you eat? - No, I just I-I don't you know, I just eat the white foods, it's - The white foods? - The white foods.
So I don't think it's anything that you can that you need to bother with.
Cauliflower soup, Kip's favorite, his mother's recipe.
I brought some today for you.
- You brought the soup? - Yes.
And sandwiches and salad but just the soup I'm sure will be fine.
The soup, the salad, the shorts, the cloths.
I'm so appreciative.
So shall I just leave it - at the outside your door? - Oh, if I don't know.
I can leave it at the front door as I leave.
- Um ah.
- Easy.
On the way out.
I'd like to hear your car leave too, Fiona.
- Fair enough.
- Fair enough.
Just thank you for being such a wonderful friend and companion.
Todd? - Hello, Robin.
- Hey, Fi, how are ya? I'm I'm fine.
And I'm Fiona.
- Hi.
- So thank you very much for the footage, I've started looking at there's so much of it.
Oh, my pleasure.
I'm glad I could help.
Yes, well, yeah, you're very thorough.
I have to say that I'm not sure it was completely necessary to have cameras even in the toilet.
I'm glad I could help.
Have you gotten through all of it? Not all of it, I mean, of course, I do have footage of Ben being extremely bitchy.
I didn't realize he disliked me that much from that early on.
I know, most people did.
And of course, you know, no one understands people disliking them and saying horrible things about them better than you.
'Cause I'm sorry - about the event last week.
- Oh.
- Nice event, by the way.
- It was very nice.
I'm sorry you didn't go over with a bang.
Wasn't exactly my crowd.
- I mean, it's a stuffy group.
- No.
I do better with, like, the hipper, cooler, - more sophisticated crowd.
- Less intellectual.
You know, no, less less boring.
Successful less successful people.
No, I would say less stuffy, less boring, less uptight, less sticks-up-their-asses, but It was an interesting date that you brought.
Oh, Tyrone.
I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce you.
He's a fantastic guy.
Yeah, that's fine, I just found it odd that you didn't bring Richard, your husband and possible father of your child, so Yeah, no, I wouldn't I don't bring Richard everywhere.
I mean, you have to keep your options open.
Yeah, I mean, it's too it's like, ah! Being committed to one person all the time, that's not for me.
Marriage? But it's interesting you bring up Tyrone.
The one with the outrageously large, unattractive glasses.
So those glasses, they're not actually glasses.
- Oh.
- They are - An accessory? - No, well, sort of.
They're super sensitive, high-def cameras that he used all night to record everything at the party.
It's a camera and a microphone, and I have to tell you, there was some fascinating conversation about phone hacking.
- Oh.
- You'd be interested to know, one of the best snippets I got was from your good friend Austen Clarke going on and on about "Oh, my God, we're all guilty, and if anybody" - I don't do a good British accent.
- You really don't.
That sounds nothing like him, so I'm sure he never said it.
But anyway, Austen was going on and on about how they're all guilty, and nobody better ever find out, and this is the way they've been doing business forever.
And I feel like I just won the jackpot, because I have it all on tape.
- But you can't use - It's done.
No, no, you can't you can't but you can't use it.
- Why? - Because it's not yours.
It was our event, and so we own everything that a videographer would take at an event.
That's ours.
You can't have it.
Here's what I figured out.
You know that parliament is obviously looking into these allegations, and they're having a parliamentary inquiry, and with all of my evidence, I now am going to go - and give it all to them.
- No.
- Isn't that terrific? - No, it's not terrific.
It's outrageous.
But you were just saying that you think I'm such a talented filmmaker.
That's not filmmaking, that's exploiting people.
You have all of these these media barons who have It's a public service that they provide and offer, all right, they're completely selfless Selfless? Do you know that I have many of these head honchos your boyfriend included talking about how they hack all of these innocent people children, nuns, foreign dignitaries.
What they're doing is criminal, and I'm just thrilled that now, the world can know about it.
That's fine, go ahead.
Go ahead Okay, well, I'm glad I have your blessing, 'cause it's gonna be - This is part of their plan anyway.
- I'm gonna be a hero.
Well, we'll see who has the last laugh.
I mean, I might even get a knighthood.
Maybe I'll meet the Queen.
Oh, this is gonna be very exciting.
Thank you for your help.
Please thank your friend Austen for me, and, um, cheerio! - Hello, Richard.
- Hello, Fiona.
Hello, listen, I know that you're married to Robin Griner, all right, because I've spoken with her.
I'm sure you know.
I know a little, but I know that you had a conversation.
I don't know what you talked about.
So she didn't share with you her choice to blackmail Austen Clarke? - I - She needs to stop this.
You need to get those tapes and destroy them.
You know, when I said that she was really nice and sweet, I was not being completely honest with you.
I know that now.
She can be very mean.
Yeah, well, I Yes, I know.
- And she can hurt you.
- Oh, please.
I saw her shove a little, chubby neighborhood girl down.
She shoved her down, and for two weeks, whenever that girl would walk by, she would stand at the door and throw marbles at her.
'Cause she's chubby she knew she couldn't run away.
Why don't you leave her, then in your divorce settlement, maybe you can get some confiscate some of the tapes.
- I can't really - Everything gets frozen in a divorce settle did you know that? - She's hard to manage.
- Yes, I know.
When she wants to do something, she does what she wants to do.
She's like a bratty child.
Yes, but you could've known that from when you were involved with her during the campaign.
You know, I ought you had broken up.
I didn't know that you would throw all of your judgment out the window - and then marry her.
- Well She got pregnant, and - And is the baby yours? - Well Yes, Fiona, it's mine.
She said it was probably mine.
Probably your baby? - So you don't know.
- I do know.
She said it was 95% mine.
'Cause she was only 5% with someone else? She had a situation, but I don't know what that situation would be.
Well, there's a guy named Tyrone that she was with one time, and it was she said that she wasn't even sure if he was inside of her.
I didn't ask.
But I did see the ultrasound, and I have to say, the baby the baby looks like me.
The head looks just like my head.
- From an ultrasound? - Yes.
Well, you can't even distinguish what's the placenta, what's the the baby You can't tell anything from an ultrasound.
Of course you can.
Someone has to point out, this is the spine, and this is the head.
You don't know if it's the head or the heart.
I know that it's I know that it's me.
You're assigning a lot of personal wishes onto what's basically a rorschach.
- Don't judge me.
- She's about to injure Austen Clarke, okay, and that's all I have left really, so you you have to stop her, all right? I can't I owe her.
She was loyal to me.
- You don't owe her anything.
- She helped me get a job.
- Oh, she did? - And it's a wonderful job.
I work for a pharmaceutical company.
Oh, really? Which one? It's not technically a company, it's more - What? - Well, it's some guys that deal with pharmaceuticals.
Great guys.
- And my job there is - What's it what's it called, Pfizer? 'Cause that's a pharmaceutical company.
It actually doesn't technically have a name.
Um, but it's in a warehouse, and what happens is, at midnight, we get shipments, and I am there, and I log everything and make sure that everything is clear, and then I they take them and separate them, and they come in blue barrels or boxes, different things, sometimes wooden crates.
And I used to do the accounting, but they got mad.
- Because? - I don't really I don't I didn't he was so volatile that I didn't want to push it, but I told him that I would stop.
Oh, so you're working for Mexican drug lords, - it sounds like.
- No.
No, these people are Russian.
- Mm-hmm.
- They're very nice people.
The head guy is well, his real name is Dmitry, but he goes by Tarzan.
We all have nicknames for each other.
- Nicknames? - Well - Code names? - Well, nicknames.
Like I'm they call me they call me Sooki.
- And, um, well - What is that, "Sooki"? I understand Tarzan.
Why aren't you one of those? I don't know, they it's what they came up with.
It's it's a fun name.
We have we have a great time.
We you know, people say that Russian people are kind of closed off and not real warm, but these guys are very, very friendly.
They treat me I feel very valued.
They want me to have a tattoo like them.
They want to brand you? I- I don't want a tattoo.
Then you shouldn't have one.
And I don't want a hooker.
I've made that very clear to them.
I like the jet rides.
We go I go on a jet sometimes and a submarine.
So this is the wonderful job that Robin got for you, a job with drug dealers and pimps.
That's wonderful.
I can see why you need to stay with her and be loyal.
They're not drug dealers and pimps.
It's Ivan and Dmitry, and they have a wonderful sense of humor.
We sit around late at night, and we drink vodka, and oh, they're like, you know, "Believe this, or you will die.
You will be dead.
" And I'm like, "Oh, I will 'belief' this," and they laugh.
Oh, we have a good time.
And you think they're kidding? They are kidding.
They're playful.
- They're fun.
- Death threats are fun.
They'll speak a lot of times in Russian, and I honestly don't know what they're saying Oh, honestly, you don't? Really, when they're speaking in English, I don't really know what they're saying, but they're laughing, and we're having a good time, and I feel I'm valued there.
Sure, you don't understand what's going on.
And I'm compensated well.
I do understand what's going on.
What have you witnessed? There's a missing hooker.
Her name was Kate.
How did he explain that? You know what, I I shouldn't be talking about this, and you do this, Fiona.
You draw me in, and I I can't You seem to like to be the victim, instead of the person in charge of your life, and I really can't help you with that.
I've tried many times, and I can't.
I'm taking charge now.
I need you to stop calling me.
Stop Skyping.
I don't want that guy from the FBI to contact me.
I'm not gonna call him back.
What guy from the FBI? The Roger Parker, the guy that keeps calling me.
The FBI is contacting you? I think he's investigating the case No, he's not there's no Roger Parker investigating the campaign finance improprieties.
You have an FBI agent contacting you, for I don't know what reason.
Look, I want it all to stop.
- Well, I can't - Now, I know th I know that our situation is it's not healthy for me, and as much as we care, I need you to just kind of I don't know, the waters are stormy, and you need to just let me go, and Oh.
That says "Judy.
" Oh.
Well, hello.
Karen, you look wonderful.
- Fiona.
- Hello.
- Save it.
- What? I thought we were friends.
I let you into my house.
Yes, and how did I do you wrong? I let you into my house, against my own better judgment.
You feed me the cauliflower soup.
I wake up looking like this with this color wood in my house - That's what's - suddenly knowing there's carpet here, and in Spanx.
Okay, first of all, okay, yes.
I'm sorry, it was horrible of me to cure you - from your debilitating disea - Cure me? Cure me? Where is my stuff? Well, your stuff has been removed and burned, okay, and you are in the shape you're in - because this horrible friend - Wait, hold on, hold on.
My stuff has been removed and burned? - That's right.
- My operation game, my puzzles? Yes, you don't need those.
It was all Who are you to tell me what I need and don't need? How do you come into my life and and and give me surfaces? I'll tell you who I am, I'm a mental health professional.
That's who I am, all right? And I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust by Yes, you betrayed my trust.
I thought you were the Midge to my Barbie.
Well, I was.
This Midge - No.
- happened to give you slip you some sedatives to induce a mild coma.
- Induced a coma? - Yes, you're welcome.
That's what they do for people with brain injuries, and I reasoned, "Oh, this is probably something "that's wrong with her brain, so I'll induce a mild coma, "I'll knock her out for a couple of hours - or a few" - No, a couple of hours? I've been out for, like, a day and a half.
What? No, that's too long.
It's a day and a half later.
All right, my my goof.
You're not a nice person, Fiona.
And I don't think I I think I was wrong to trust you.
Oh, you're right, of course, why should you trust me? You have a lovely home now, you have the reset button pushed on your life, and you look really lovely.
You look like a first lady.
I had my own hair and makeup people come in - to do you, and my stylist - Well, that part, I have gotten a couple compliments already.
- Oh.
- So you may you know, I do have to thank you for that.
Thank you.
You've allowed people into your life? I've Skyped with just a couple of people, and you might you might have a point, and maybe I mean, I have to admit that I found a bathroom - I didn't know I had.
- Oh, what? Makes it a lot easier.
What were you doing? Never mind, it doesn't matter.
- I have two bathrooms.
- Okay.
- Turns out.
- Wonderful.
So the price of your house just went up.
- And it might be you know, I - You're welcome.
And thinking about it, it may be some brand of an opportunity for me to do - a little self-inquiry on my - Oh.
my past, and you know, I'm left to wonder what in the world I was so obsessed with Kip about, because he has a true you know, really, a Peter-Puffer vibe there, right? Well, yes.
You know, my mother was a collector.
I mean, she was a very, very noisy, loud woman, but she collected things alcohol and boyfriends mostly, but still, she So we are talking about your childhood.
Right, and my father I mean, it's possible that I had some sort of connection or some correlation between Kip and my father.
- Okay.
- I mean, my father would alw He'd just get you know, he'd kiss all his boyfriends good-bye behind the barn - Oh.
- And he was very - interested in my boyfriends.
- Right.
And very you know, "Let's all get nuded up and do those Greco-Roman holds.
" And you know, just like that, and Well, there you go.
So that's the past.
Anyway, so I was thinking that it it maybe is worthwhile to delve a little bit into that.
Maybe you can help me - Delve in - investigate it.
The past? Well, I believe in putting the past behind you.
You know, yes, those things may have happened and possibly contributed.
I don't think so.
I think you're to blame for everything that's happened, because as an adult, you made very bad decisions.
This is Wait, wait, wait, this is my fault? Well, you're the one who collected things and turned your home into a garbage heap, yes.
It was certainly not a garbage heap.
All right, let's not jump down that rabbit hole together.
But what my advice to you is to from this point on, put the past behind you and look forward.
- Look forward.
- And behave like a normal human being, 'cause you resemble one now.
Thank you.
And I suggest you go to a movie to actually see how normal people behave and then simply do it.
You know, I recommend, there are some wonderful romantic comedies, you know.
If you can find one with Tom Hanks, - just be like him.
- Like him? Behave like the man in that movie.
- The man? - Well, yes, I think they're the more stable.
Oh, I see.
Well, you know, it's somewhat what SmartyMart57 said to me just an hour ago.
That's the fellow who - The fellow archivist, yeah.
- Oh.
Who has, strangely, a very similar filing system - Oh? - to mine, "A" through "Z.
" - Oh.
- You know? - How unique.
- So anyway, he's cute, - very cute.
- Oh.
And we may just he's gonna come over, and then we may venture out.
He's right outside.
- All right, well, good luck.
- Meanwhile meanwhile, just what's what is that right behind you there, - all that tchotchke? - My tchotchke? - Well, there's - Other side, other side.
The blue, all that blue, blah, blah.
You need surface.
- What? - Surface, clean the surface.
Wipe the table.
Good-bye, forever.
- Richard, oh, good.
- I'm at work.
- I can't talk here.
- No, no, I understand.
I'll be Oh, so this is the pharmaceutical company - you work for? - No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, I-I-I'll call you later today.
- I'm at work.
- I'll be very brief.
You have to listen, it's important.
You're going to have visitors today.
No, no, no, no.
The Russians are here today.
- I can't talk.
- That's perfect.
Be very cooperative, all right? And all you have to say is "Giacomo's.
" - No, no, no.
- Do you understand? No, I cannot have visitors here today.
Just say "Giacomo's.
" It's the code word.
FBI! Everybody down on the ground! - Say "Giacomo's.
" - Giacomo's.
Giacomo's? Giacomo's! Ah! No! Giacomo's! Giacomo's! Giacomo's! That worked well, didn't it? - Well, I that's - "Well, uh, I" I'm sorry, you were You just barked like a seal for no reason.
No, there's no prenuptial, but I don't even have a key to her room.
What? You what? All right, I pushed the reset button for you, so now, you can just push put Fucker.
No, I was very happy to push the reset button for you, and you can keep put the Oh, my God! Okay.