Web Therapy (2011) s03e07 Episode Script

Games People Play

Previously on Web Therapy We've been in a long distance relationship for two years now You've never met before? People started posting questions and comms about our relationship, so we figured we would just start our own blog together.
It's called LDL411.
It's j-- it's a huge community.
What are we up to now, babe? Like, 80k? - 98--98,000.
- Wow.
- I'm so excited.
- Me too.
You know, I just-- I have a few more followers, and then I also have some sessions booked.
Same thing for me.
I got, uh, 5,000, 10,000.
I kinda lost track.
We plan to meet next week.
Well, let's see.
That seems a little soon to me.
- I mean-- - Really? It feels like there are a lot of issues that you might want to sort of explore before you meet each other.
Well, hello.
You're Nick Jericho.
- Yes.
- Good.
I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
It's nice to meet you.
You're very handsome.
Oh, thank you.
You're not so bad yourself.
Thank you.
I know.
E- excellent.
Yeah.
- Can I call you Nick? - Sure.
You look like a Nick.
I am a Nick.
Well, you're much prettier in person.
Or inthis-- what do you call this? - Live action.
- Live action, yeah.
- You probably just saw the - The photo.
- Photograph - I did.
Up on the website, which is an attractive one, but it's not-- Better with a little cleavage.
I mean-- - Sorry.
That was, uh - Am I? - True.
Yes.
- Oh, a little bit.
A little bit.
Anyway, um-- What seems to be the issue? Well, the reason I'm calling is - Yes.
- Um According to my wife, I have some sort of a gambling problem.
Oh, is it a problem? That's what you give me? - What? - A pair of queens? Oh, are you playing right now? No.
You can be playing right now if you want to be.
- I am.
- Okay, well, good for you.
- Yeah.
- I'm just trying to get-- I'm trying to figure out what the problem is.
Are you about to lose your house? - No-- no.
- Okay.
Are your children about to go hungry - or have to leave their school? - No.
Okay, so Idon't know what the problem is.
Okay, my wife, I my wife, I think, is about to do an intervention.
- Oh.
- You know, where they have all the people come into your house - and embarrass you.
- Over playing games? Well, y-- that's what I said.
She thinks it's becoming a problem, which it's not.
It's not.
Do you have a job? Yes.
Of course I have a job.
- Are you in finance? Just-- - No.
- Oh.
- N-no.
No, I sell used car parts online.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's very lucrative.
I don't know if you know anything about that.
- No.
I don't.
- We do-- we do about 6-7 million a year.
What? Really? Yeah, there's a lot of cars in the world.
I don't understand what your wife is complaining about.
I mean, intervention? Is this a first wife? The first wife had the same issue, yeah.
Oh, so this is a second wife? - This is thefifth.
- Okay.
The fifth, yeah.
Oh.
It's hard to get it right.
The fourth one was probably the best.
- Right.
- What are you gonna do? Maybe it's time to change again.
- You're no stranger to divorce.
- Sure.
I'm getting divorced myself right now.
Oh.
Sorry to hear that.
That's all right.
You know, it wasn't working out.
He just-- he fell in love with another man.
- So - That sucks.
I think there were problems from the start that I just didn't see.
Well, you don't have a penis.
No, I don't.
That's good for you.
I really don't have a-- I don't have a penis.
- Well, that's good - Right.
- For you.
- I'm-- I'm all woman.
- Not good for him.
- Right.
If that's what he's looking for - Right.
- That's what he's looking for.
You know, what are you gonna-- aw, nice.
You're so easygoing and delightful and good-looking, and you're very witty.
Oh, thanks.
Maybe you should talk to her.
- Anyway, look, so, she said - I'd rather not.
If I see a counselor or therapist about this "addiction" Right.
- Which it's not.
- It's not.
- It's not.
- It's not.
It's not a disease, okay? It's not-- it's not I'm trying to think of a disease.
I didn't wanna say diabetes 'cause I think people can control that.
Um, what else requires-- doesn't require willpower, you know? But it's not like-- even if you were gonna compare it to a disease, I wouldn't say heart disease or cancer or brain disease.
You would say something like, I don't know, jock itch.
- It's mild.
- Right.
Goes away with a little spray - and you're done.
- That's right.
- Right? - Or a winning streak.
Well, that's the thing, see? I've been on a little bit of a losing streak.
- Oh.
- What I'm trying to do is make my money back.
- If I can break even - Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
Get all the money back, then I can stop.
I mean, I'd like to go out a litt-- up a little.
- I agree.
- And some-- you know, she-- she says that when I am on one of these losing streaks I tend to get a little angry.
Why wouldn't you? Well, wouldn't you be angry - if you lost a lot of money - Yes.
In a very short amount of time? And it was not your fault? You wouldn't be where you are if you were very happy about losing.
Or you took it in stride.
You know, you'd be a communist.
- That's not how it works here.
- No.
Good.
People who make $6-7 million a year are not happy with losing.
She needs to get with a different program.
Maybe she needs a- a 12 step program.
She could take a few steps, the fat-ass.
Oh.
She can't hear us.
It's okay.
What a wonderful life you're providing this woman-- this shrew who only wants to reduce any amount of happiness you might have other than her.
That's not really fair, I don't think.
You work hard, and the one moment at home that you would like to enjoy a little game-playing, she wants to remove that altogether.
- That's not fair.
- That's not fair! You're right.
And I have-- I suspect that your losing streak is coming off of your fear or feelings that, you know, "I'd better be careful "cause I'm losing now, and if I keep losing, then she's gonna do something.
" And you're not being able to play as you normally would.
Winners play big.
Yes.
Winners play big.
- Winners! - And are you holding back? Are you holding back? - I think you're right.
- Okay.
The losing streak started when I started to get conservative.
- Okay.
- When I bet big, I win big.
- Okay.
- When I bet small-- - small people bet small.
- That's right.
And you're a big man.
You're a big man.
All right, I'll bet big right now.
Watch this.
All right.
Go.
Full house! - Well, that's very good.
- Yeah, that's-- is that-- you gave yourself a full-- I'm not sure how it works.
No, no, they dealt me a full-- I just won-- - Oh, so that's luck of the-- - $14,000, I just won.
Just now? $14,000? Just now, 14,000.
- Wow.
- That's nice.
So try it again.
Look at that.
Okay.
Good.
That's $20,000, right there, I just made.
Oh, that's what you're betting? - That's $20,000 I just made.
- How much do-- That's-- $20,000 I just made.
Congratulations.
- That's wonderful.
- It is.
Oh, good, well, you just keep playing then.
- I don't think you have - Roll it over.
All right.
- A problem at all.
- Here we go.
Yes, roll it over.
Here we go.
Another one.
They're afraid.
They all folded right out.
- Oh.
- Okay.
So did you win anything? - If they all-- - I did.
Right there, that puts me up to-- Fold means quit, right? Wow, that's a-- yes, it does.
That means, right there, that puts me up-- that's 60.
Wow, I'm almost a good luck charm for you.
Better never let me go.
That's-- I-- that's a good idea.
You are my good luck charm.
Well it's a-- it's a notion.
Yeah.
I got a great idea.
- Okay, 8:00 tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, 8:00, there's a big game on the world series of poker.
- All right? - Oh.
That's-- Google that.
- "World Series of Poker.
" - Okay.
It's a-- it's a big, huge event.
- Tournament? Or-- - All right, what I need you to do because you're my good luck charm - Uh-huh.
- And I like this-- Okay, 8:00, let's get back on the computer so you can be with me when I go here and I'll make all my money back, and then we'll see if I quit.
Then it'll be-- then at least I'll be even.
- That's right.
- I mean, flush.
I'm good.
Right.
See? It's your decision to quit or not, no one else's.
- You know what else? - Yeah.
I think it's customary to give your good luck charm a tip.
- Do you? - Well, usually it's 10%.
- Oh.
- So 60,000 would be 6,000.
Uh-huh.
How about 600? Well, no, because that would be 1% and-- - I'm-- I'm comfortable with 1%.
- Well, it's sort of like - I agree.
No, it's like leaving a penny, you know, it's almost an insult.
No, well, I would beg to differ.
It's $600.
Well, but it's 1%.
But it's 600.
But I think 10% would be fair.
- Hello? - What? - Oh, can you not-- - Where'd you go? What happened? My connections are all good.
That's strange.
There you are.
You're back again.
Okay, so before you go away again, - All right, bye.
- I-- Augie.
Hi.
- Listen.
- Hi.
I have to tell you about something.
I tried to log on to the L-- LDL411 website, and it said "URL not available.
" So then I tried to reach Blair and I can't reach her.
- But something's going on.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You have to fix it.
Well, we've had a few sort of changes-- - Little shifts in the, uh - Who's that? - Schedule.
- You have a girl in your room.
I do, I do.
As a matter of fact, that's-- that's Blair.
- She's-- - She's with you! Could you maybe not put it near the-- - Who are you skyping with? - It's-- it's-- It's me.
Hi, Blair.
- Hi, how are you? - Yeah, she said she - I'm good.
- Was trying to get in touch - with you.
- Move over, baby.
- Hi.
- I'm confused.
- How are you? - Hi.
You got something I could spit in? - You-- you're-- - Are you done with this? That's my-- you don't wanna leave the toothbrush.
- That's my coffee too.
- How are you? - Um, hi.
- Oh, no, what's happening? - There she is.
- How are you, doctor? We don't need you anymore.
You know what I mean? Why are you two together? - 'Cause she's here.
- I know.
How did that happen? I just made an executive decision we were gonna shut down the site for a while - Yes, I saw.
- And just come here and-- Which was really hard because, you know, things were really, - really rolling with-- - Yes.
Right, but then again, it's a website, it's followers.
And now, we're just so happy and-- - But it was up to 100,000.
- We're so happy.
We are happy.
We are very, very happy with the way - things are changing.
- When did you-- - Blair, when did you arrive? - I can't remember.
- It feels like-- - It's been eight days.
It's been a long eight days.
It feels like it just went by so fast.
It's gone by at a pace, for sure.
But what about-- did you-- what about your job in, um Well, I can work from anywhere.
- In Atlanta? - I mean, you know, I'm just-- I'm an artiste, so, you know, I just bring my supplies with me.
- Brings supplies.
- And I tried to do some art up here and he keeps erasing my drawings.
- I do.
- Well, that's his work.
- I keep-- I keep erasing-- - Right, but now it's our work.
- Huh? Mm.
- That's right.
But I'd rather if you, like, didn't touch my work.
Okay, well, let's not have sex right now.
Oh, sex.
- Mm, the sex is great.
- No, no, let's not.
- Let's not.
- We could do that.
There's a negative in front of it.
Okay, right, but we could talk about it.
We could tell you how good it is, right? You know what? Okay, you know what? - Can I-- I'm sorry.
- What? All right, can we press pause for a second? - What is it? - You seem a little manic, - Blair.
- I just-- I fell in love with this girl that was just right here, and now that I see, there's, like, a lot of different things I'm-- I'm not used to.
- It's kind of hard-- - Well you don't have to-- we don't have sex like this.
I don't understand what that has to do with - Well, we could! - Why our sex-- - Well, has it-- - Don't you sass me.
- Well has it been-- - I'm getting mean.
- I'm sorry.
- Do you want me to just leave? Yes, but okay, you're getting mean.
No, I don't.
I don't want you to leave.
I don't know what to do.
There's no-- - Okay, children! - There's gotta be some kind - of compromise.
- One, two, three.
All right, here, listen.
This-- you're supposed to get mean because that's what happens.
I- I've been watching the two of you when you were in separate cities, and you were overly, you know, very sweet with each other and trying very hard.
And now this is-- it's at a psychotic level.
Of course it can't work.
You're together every second.
Well, yeah, because, you know, he just sees everything now.
- I see everything.
- I can't control what he sees, - and I feel like-- - Because we are imperfect - and disgusting animals.
- That's very true.
I- I'm filthy.
I'm admittedly disgusting.
- He's very, very disgusting.
- And I feel terrible for her - that she has to deal with it.
- He doesn't smell good.
And it's just-- I smell terrible.
You're a lucky woman that you're on the other side of this.
No, I feel lucky.
But, no, that is sort of the key to any happy relationship, and that is distance.
So-- do you have, um-- I don't know how large your dwelling is.
So I don't know-- do you have other rooms? - It's tiny.
- It's a studio? It's tiny.
There's a closet back there.
- There's a-- - Oh, is there room in there? - For what? - For clothes? Just so you can-- so no-- so you can go in there, Augie, maybe and-- you know? - Just to be somewhere else.
- Oh.
Wait, so we go cram ourselves in there and-- You want us to go in the closet? No, not together.
Blair, you stay out here, and Augie, you go somewhere else and then call in.
No, that's not gonna work, because I can smell him and I don't think-- - From a mile away.
- Why don't you trust me? - And let's try it, okay? - Okay.
Grab your phone and go in there and then I'll connect you in.
I just want-- I just want things to be the way they were.
Yes, it's very sad.
- Get your-- - Two lovely people.
The way your body is just-- it's just-- Okay, let's not-- look at how you're walking.
Like you got something stuck up there.
I see, yeah.
I just can't do this anymore.
- I-- - Well-- oh, here he is.
Okay, let me connect you in.
- Hi.
- There's Augie.
Okay, I'm in the closet.
- This is-- this is silly.
- Baby.
- Baby.
- Hey.
It's me-me.
Hi.
Hi.
See - there you are.
- I can't believe it.
I mean, it's you.
- And that's you.
- See? - Wait, wait.
- You've got corners - and boundaries.
- This is-- - this is great.
- The glow on your face.
- Right? - Oh, my God.
It's the one thing I learned from my own marriage.
- Baby, look.
- You know? - It's that time apart - Oh.
Mm.
- Mm? - I love that.
Is what leads to success, and then you get back together and it's-- This is so-- this is so magical.
You know? It's something anyway.
This is what I'm talking about.
- Oh, you're not listening.
- This is what I needed.
- Baby, I miss you so much.
- I miss you too.
Where are you? - Oh, baby.
- Well.
So you're gonna put the site back up then? LDL411 and the link to my site? You look so good in the brightness of your phone You look so good.
You look so good.
- The glow of the computer.
- Can we talk about-- - Oh, man.
- Just look at it.
I just think you're so hot.
Maybe you can have the site back up then.
- I'm gonna get some lotion.
- Definitely.
This is so fun! Oh, my goodness.
Who's the donkey now? Dr.
Wallice, are you okay? Oh, hi, Jerome.
- Yes, I'm fine.
- Hi.
Oh, I just heard noises that I've never heard come from you before.
I got very nervous.
Of course, I'm fine.
I was just doing some paperwork, - you know, and-- - Oh.
Well, you were supposed to have a call, I think with, uh-- - According to my calendar - Oh, right.
- Nick Jericho.
- Nick Jericho, yes, yes.
- Yeah.
- That's not happening.
- Oh, okay.
- Right.
And then I heard those noises and I didn't know whether to interrupt you, whether you had company, or-- No, I don't.
- Just - Okay.
- Vocalizing.
- All right.
You know, something that is recommended in therapy.
- Okay.
All right.
- All right.
Well, I was working late as well and wanted - Yeah, you are working late.
- Check in with you to see everything-- well, I'm here, so if you need me, you can call on me.
- I'm gonna stay late tonight.
- Puppy feet.
Not gonna head home at all 'cause Okay.
You know, Hayley was supposed to come home with me tonight back from New York and be together again, but - Uh-huh.
- She's staying late to work with a headhunter.
At least that's what she said, and I'm not sure I believe her.
- Okay, well-- - But lately, I've been not so sure I believe her a lot, and I-- I don't know how I feel about that.
I-- you know what? Actually, I thought that maybe-- kinda need a friend.
- Oh, well, you know what? - I thought maybe-- - Marriage is hard work.
- It is.
No, you won't find a friend there.
Well, I-I see your point.
Look, can I make you a nice hot cup of coffee? I'll come upstairs.
Maybe the two of us can talk about-- Well, I'm busy with my paperwork.
- Right.
- Ooh.
Right.
You just got komodo dragon-ed, my friend.
"Friend.
" It's good to have a friend.
Yeah, I'm not paying attention 'cause I'm doing my work.
You know, I'm just feeling like a lot of things are up in the air and maybe I just need a good boo-boo cry.
You know what I mean? Just sit and think about how things don't always work out the way you hope they would, you know? - I just feel like-- - Yes! Yes! Oh, now you eat it! How about that? You eat it! Eat your own junk! Oh, hello, Nick.
- He-- - It's good to see you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- You're alive.
- Yes, I'm alive.
That's-- that's great.
Oh.
Where were you? Yes, I was seeing clients last night so I wasn't able to speak with you.
- I'm so sorry.
- You're sorry? - Yes.
- You're sorry? Yes.
I-- Do you know how much money I lost last night? - No.
- My good luck charm pulls a no-show? Well, I was seeing clients.
I'm-- I'm saving the world.
I don't give a shit about the mental health of the world.
- Listen - One has to have priorities.
We had a date.
So what-- but what happened? What happened? Well, after I realized you weren't gonna show at all, I got in the game and I got in late.
Everyone's on a roll, and there's this new guy there, "F in Philly.
" F in Philly cleaned everybody out.
He ass-raped the whole group.
No offense to your husband.
I mean, this one guy making these rookie mistakes-- like, who-- who-- who goes all-in with a pair of sevens? Who? But-- uh, someone who's bluffing, I guess? - Obviously, yeah.
- Yes? Yes.
- I would imagine, yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah.
I lost $128,000 last night.
- Oh, that's a lot.
- You think? - Yeah, I do.
- Yeah, that's a lot of money.
Yes.
I-- oh, I'm sorry for you.
This F in Philly took my money.
He took everybody's mon-- he cleared everybody out.
What-- could I just-- what was your-- what's your handle or nameDe Plume.
My name that I play under? "DCjunk957.
" Oh.
What, you don't like that name? It's n-- you're not-- there's nothing "junk" about you.
That's all I meant by that.
Well, that's very nice.
Well, it's very true.
I'm sorry you lost so much.
I'll tell you one thing.
If I ever find this F in Philly, that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna come to Philly and I'm gonna fuckin' find F in fuckin' Philly.
But-- well, you don't know that "Philly" stands for Philly-- the city Philly.
It could be this guy's name.
Sure, find this guy.
His name might be Phil.
And by the way, how would you find this guy anyway? The site is anonymous, isn't it? - How would I find the guy? - From what you said? Yeah.
It is anonymous, yeah, yeah.
I don't know if I told you that, but yeah, it's an anonymous site.
No, you did.
You told me that.
- Are you sure? - Otherwise, how would I know? Yeah, I guess I must have.
I don't-- I don't remember.
Anyway, I can find him.
I can find anyone.
- I can find you.
- Well, you-- - I can find anyb-- I'm-- I'm a computer guy.
- Yes.
- Look at all this equipment.
Are you kidding me? I can find anybody.
I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna fuckin' whack him.
Whack him? You mean, just a smack in the head or-- what is "whack"? Whack is-- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sweetheart, listen.
I'm in the used car parts business.
What do you think that stands for? "U.
C.
B.
" I don't-- I don't know-- No, okay, listen.
If we gotta find someone, we find 'em.
If we gotta get parts, we get the parts.
- Right.
- If there are people in the car when we get the part, they're not in the car anymore - when we take the car.
- Oh, my.
I mean, I don't wanna get too specific, but-- Right.
No, I don't need to know the violent details.
The point is, I'm gonna find this fuck in Philly and I'm gonna get him.
No, no, no, you don't need to-- no.
You don't need to kill F in fucking Philly.
No, no, I'll be with you tonight as your good luck charm.
You'll win every penny back.
I guarantee he'll be there.
He thought-- he thinks he's a big winner, so-- - Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, yes.
You're not gonna stand me up again? - Are you gonna be there? - Yes.
'Cause I'll tell you, ditch me once, shame on me.
Ditch me twice, shame on you.
You're on the list with F in Philly.
- Okay.
- Yeah, because you know what? If he comes back to the game again tonight - Mm-hmm.
- I can find him.
- You know what I mean? - But you-- - I can trace-- I can trace where he's at.
You don't need to find him.
I'll bet you if his computer's on right now, - I can find him.
- No, you don't need to-- on right now? Oh.
Ooh.
No, I have another client coming.
- Hello.
- Hi.
You must be Sylvie Frank.
Yes, I am.
Thank you for taking my call.
Oh, sure.
I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
Great.
Um, I just have this sort of, like, work situation with this guy named Mike Taylor who works here.
I've, like, had my eye on him forever.
And then one day, he said, after work, could I come to his office and help him go over portfolios or whatever.
And I didn't know, but I went there and - Right.
- He just kinda started to come on to me, and I just felt, like, you know, this is the kind of guy-- like, I never get this kind of guy.
Like, I'm always the best friend or the, you know, whatever and-- No, I can see that.
Umanyway, so I just-- you know, we started this thing, and it just, like, went over several months, and then he just started pulling away and - Got it.
- I just started driving by his place, but just kinda casually.
You know what I mean? Like, it kind of is on my way to work, so it's not so weird, but I guess it was too many times - that he thought-- - How many times did you? I don't-- maybe, like, I don't know, like, 10 or, like, I don't know, 45.
Something like that.
But were there voices telling you to do this, or do you have hallucinations or a history of-- - No, no.
- Oh, okay.
No, I'm not, like crazy.
- You know what I mean? - Well-- - I'm just, like-- - Well.
So, like, then, you know, like, I'm trying to, like, kind of find ways to show him - I'm on his side, so - Uh-huh.
I, like-- I went to where he lives and I kinda, like, let his dog out.
You know what I mean? Like, and then I rescued the dog.
So then I brought the dog back to him.
So I was like, "Oh, I got your dog," you know? And I thought that would be, like, he'd be so overjoyed and he'd see, like, I was in his corner, you know what I mean? - Right.
- Because I saved his dog - Right.
- From getting hit by a car - basically.
- After you let it out.
Yeah.
I mean, that was kinda the glitch, - was he kinda saw me let it out.
- That's a glitch.
But what brought me to today was we were in the lunch area, you know, and I basically-, you know, I just was kinda freaking out because he's not paying attention to me.
So I went up to him and I tried to talk to him about it, and then he just kept acting like he barely even knew my name or knew who I was and, like, "Oh, yeah, Sylvi"-- you know? And I-- and I just was, like, getting madder and madder and kinda pulling on him.
And I was like, "I know you love me! I know you love me!" And I was shaking him-- In front of people in the lunch room? I threw his pudding on him and-- Oh, no, that's not good.
You know, upstairs heard about it and - Oh, no.
- Basicallythey-- he just said there was never anything between us and pretended he barely knew me.
So he gets, like, you know, promoted and I'm basically demoted.
- They put me into digital.
- What? Yeah, which is just, like-- And they didn't call you in to ask you your side of the story? Well bas-- right, right.
- Well, they-- - You need to sue them.
Well, right, but, like, what would the lawsuit be? Sexual harassment.
Well, but he wasn't really harassing me.
- Or was he? - He was just sort of denying-- Well, it's inappropriate to have an affair with someone at the workplace, and he's now your superior so he's now in position of power.
- Right.
- Was he then your superior? - No, I was more - But he is now? - Like his superior.
- He's your superior now-- What? You were his superior? Well, I was-- more like he took my job.
Like, I was kind of above him, and now he took-- they put him in my job.
Wow, so he did-- he got your job and now he's moved on to someone younger and prettier.
No, I di-- I didn't say that.
He's single.
No, you don't need to say that.
I know.
That's how it works.
- I mean - Right.
I don't know how old you are, but you clearly weren't born yesterday.
- Um - May I ask what you do? Yeah, yeah, I'm a brand manager basically, so-- Oh, what is that? It's like, let's say an aspirin company, like Bayer or something, they wanna put their product on-- in a TV show or on a movie, and then a character has a headache, and they go and they reach for the aspirin and you see the brand name, you see the Bayer, and then they take the aspirin.
So the company then-- we're pairing them so they-- they would be paying the movie or the television show to use their product, and then we would get a cut of it, essentially.
Oh, well you wanted help-- you want help with your career, you are on Skype with the right person.
Oh, good.
- Because-- - But really it's my love life that really is, like, you know-- I mean career-- yeah.
Well, but they're-- they're intertwined.
I know a lot about the subject, - workplace romances.
- Hmm.
And I went through a very similar thing.
- Did you? - But anyway, my point is-- is that, you know, look.
I mean, I'd be a wonderful, um, sort of, you know, endorser of products in the digital area.
Wait a minute, are you trying to-- you're trying to get me to use you for product placement? You may use me.
Yes.
You may use me.
- I will offer that up to you.
- Well-- Oh, let me give you a good example of something.
Okay, so there's this drink-- But I was hoping we could more talk about, you know, like, what I'm going through.
I don't have-- it's just my lunch break.
I don't have a long time to kinda-- And these are supposed to be three-minute sessions, but I'm making an exception for you because I think you need the help.
But anyway, you see this drink-- which is really-- it's very delicious.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it's very cute.
- It's called-- it's a mocktail.
- Right.
Because it's a mojito-flavored drink, but there's no alcohol in it.
Okay, but let me just go along with you and let's say you were doing this kind of, like, brand placement.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's your platform? Like, you don't-- we need, like, millions of followers.
My problem with even being in digital - No, millions-- - Is that there's no traffic.
- Millions is too many.
- Why? That's too much.
It's too large a requirement.
No, what I'm trying to say is that, you know, my clients see me drinking this, and then, "Oh, what is that? It looks delicious.
" And then I tell them what it is-- But that's so unethical.
Like, you're supposed to be helping your clients, not subliminally selling them products.
Well, if they're thirsty and they want a drink-- no, if they're thirsty and they want a drink, I'm helping them quench their thirst.
I'm-- it's just they see me modeling behavior and so, you know, they want to copy it on their road to wellness.
Well, but-- how-- how many clients do you have? Oh, I've got a lot of clients.
And then on the social network arena, um, I'm on Twitter, so all of the-- And how many-- how many followers do you have? I have, um, over 60.
Well, right, but, like, you understand if we did that, you would then maybe sell - to 1 out of 60 people, so - Yes.
It would be hiring you to sell one drink.
Yeah, but over time, of course, it would be more than one drink.
And it's more-- I think I have a greater influence - than just 1 out of 60.
- But do-- - so I won't ask for a lot of money, but I think it'll be worth-- you find out.
It'll be worth their while then.
But again, regardless, like, you have no-- no platform - No, I understand.
Yes.
- Really to sell anything, so.
No, that's not the right product, - but there's this hand cream-- - And I'm clearly turning to you as a therapist more than a sales associate.
You know, now I'm getting insulted, because all of this is to benefit you, to be honest with you.
Okay? You're the one who came with the problem.
You think they're separate.
You think that, these days, that the personal life and the work life are two separate things, and they're not.
They're completely enmeshed.
So you're saying if I sell mocktails or whatever, then I'll do better at work and then maybe my personal life will turn around? Yes, and selling a mocktail or this wonderful hand lotion that-- you saw me putting it on.
Didn't it make you feel like, "Oh, I wonder if my skin is dry as well.
" - No.
- Ooh, this smells so good because it's a pl-- you make it yourself in this mall I go to, and I put in a little lavender and some chamomile, and it's a really lovely-- Right, but that's not really even a brand.
- You know what I mean? Like-- - Oh, that's true.
It's not.
That's right.
That's just, like, you, kinda.
Then there's any kind of beauty product, obviously, that could work, you know? 'Cause I'm constantly-- you know, there are clients who are very attracted to me, or they comment on-- "Oh, I didn't expect you to be so lovely," or-- But wait, so you would basically be, like, taking their projection of attraction on you and then using it for your own personal gain to sell a product? Well, if that's the way you're going to look at it, then I don't think I could talk you out of it.
- But in fact-- - Do you actually help anybody? Yes, I ha-- I'm trying to help you, but you seem very resistant, so maybe that was your issue with the man.
Who are your clients? Like, does anybody come back regularly? Many clients come back regularly, yes.
But, you know, in terms of the brand stuff, you know, I have clients that are extremely influential.
So, you know, Conan O'Brien is a client of mine, - so if he sees me drinking-- - Oh, wow.
Now that would be, like, a great platform for us.
Getting something onto his show, that's like-- then you're reaching tons of people.
- People look up to him.
- Right.
- He can really sell a brand.
- Yes, exactly.
So, you know, without naming names-- no, I won't name names.
I'll send you a list of my clients - so that you can see-- - What? 'Cause some of them are extremely influential.
Okay.
Send.
Wait, this is crazy.
Isn't that unethical? Is it unethical? You need help and I'm trying to help you? Okay.
That seems unethical.
Well, but-- like, would you then send my name to somebody? If you don't want me to, I won't.
Well, I'm sure these people don't want you to either.
Well, then don't tell anybody.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I just got this memo.
- It's Mike and-- - Oh, Mike is the guy.
Yeah, but it's the company newsletter and he's got his arm around this girl.
Oh.
Younger, prettier? I w-- I wouldn't say she was prettier, no.
Younger? Like, a little bit.
Is she wearing-- is she wearing sleeves? I gotta go.
Who's this from? Hi, Fiona.
Hi! It's me, Chris.
Oh, God, this is so crazy, after all this time, reconnecting, - but I just - Don't know you.
- I had to call you and - Okay.
I wanted to leave you a message and I know it's probably exciting for you to be seeing me.
If I knew who you were, maybe.
I know I look good.
Knowing you, you're probably in the tub.
But you don't know me.
So when you do get a chance to watch this, I'll probably feel that, and then I will call you back and we can video chat and just reconnect.
Okay.
It was great talking to you.
We didn'ttalk.
Okay, it's a crazy person.
I will not be calling back.
- I'm holding a camera - You look great.
That is connected to a metal pole that is pressing against my balls.
Well, that part's not out of the ordinary for you.
And I'm talking-- yeah, exactly.
It is Sunday, after all.
Ooh, now you eat it! How about that? You eat it! Eat your own junk! You eat it! How about that? You eat it! You eat your junk! You eat your junk.
Okay, that's exactly right if Danny can hold it together.
Cut! Print.
That wasn't as good.
Let's do it again.
- Yeah? - It's a cut.
We gotta do it-- we're gonna do it one more time.
"That sucked, do it again.
" Did you hear me say, "I don't think that was very good.
" "It wasn't as good.
It wasn't as good.
Let's do it again.
" "That was absolute shit.
We should go again.
"