Web Therapy (2011) s03e08 Episode Script

Husband Hunting

Previously on Web Therapy She was standing off to the side with fistfuls of pills putting them into her mouth, and she did actually choke.
Okay, I understand.
So what can I tell you? Mabel's dead, and I did it.
I'd be a wonderful, um, sort of, you know, endorser of products in the digital area.
You're trying to get me to use you for product placement? I have some sort of a gambling problem.
- Oh.
- My wife, I think, is about to do an intervention.
I wanted to leave you a message, and I know it's probably exciting for you to be seeing me, I know.
If I knew who you were, maybe.
- Hello.
- Hi, it's you.
Yes, and it's you.
You left me a message.
I did, I did.
- Did you get it? - I did.
I did get it.
It seems that you are of the understanding that we know each other.
I'm a little taken aback, 'cause you seemed like you knew me, but I don't.
Oh, my goodness, I didn't even realize I had to say who it was.
Well, it helps when you're confronted with a stranger who seems very familiar.
It's Chris.
Okay, Chris, I'm Fiona.
I know who you are, you silly little girl.
It's me.
It's Chris.
It's Chris Palmer.
What? Christopher Palmer? Look at me from the side.
I know you remember that profile.
What? Christopher Palmer was a boy I knew in college.
A boy you married in college.
Yes, very briefly, so And now Chris is a woman.
Take a look.
What hap What? I thought you were just gay.
No, no, I'm anti-gay.
- Oh.
- I did the right thing, and I got gender reassignment surgery.
So you could have sex with men.
- So it's not a sin.
- Right.
So I live in Houston now, and I was thinking about you and all of the fun times we had, however short-lived.
I was just thinking about the days of college and the romance.
You remember that weekend - we spent in St.
Barths? - Yes.
- You remember that, don't you? - Spring break.
That's when we decided to get married.
I'll never forget I'll never forget you running into the ocean, and your tushy was just boom boompa boomsy boomsy.
I'm probably sure it's not in the same shape it was, but those were the days.
No one's is anymore.
Well, except for me.
That is something.
So what is Endicott? Who is Endicott? That's my married name.
You're married? Ooh.
Yes, I have a husband, made an honest woman out of me.
Oh, and does he know about Christopher Palmer? Oh, not at all.
Okay, so this is a secret meeting, okay.
- It's a secret meeting.
- Okay.
Well, that's interesting.
So they must have done a top-notch job on you down there.
It's not flawless, you know, I'll be honest with you.
- Oh, okay.
- There's a little extra, you know, cushion, I would call it.
- Okay.
- It's not an actual It's something that you can get away with if you're with somebody that's 20 or plus years older.
Oh, I see.
- Yeah.
- Or behaving as if I see.
I can show you.
- That's all right, no.
- No, I won't.
- Yeah, I don't.
- That's too I mean, we just I don't want you to freak out, but, um, I mean, it's a beaut lovemaking can be beautiful for a woman.
I've always admired what it would be like, and I always was jealous of you.
When I was making love to you, I thought, "Wouldn't it be great to be her?" Right, because it's more relaxing.
You don't really have to do much.
- No, you don't.
- You just lie there.
- Well, you could, but I don't.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, good for you.
- Yeah, well, I'm very flexible.
- You're still competitive, - aren't you? - No, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't mean it that way.
It's just I learned kind of, when we experienced all of our lovemaking, I just realized that was something that I never wanted to do to a man.
- Just lie there.
- That's what I mean.
You're a very competitive person, so even in the midst of our lovemaking, all you're thinking is, "I could do better than her.
" Well, I am limber.
Okay, that's wonderful for your husband Endicott.
- What's his name? - Fred.
- It's Fred? - Yes.
I call him Freddie for short.
Two syllables actually take longer than one, but for sure.
You're such a stickler for details.
Or the truth, yes.
Oh, God, I love your sense of humor.
- It's so ribald.
- We did have so much fun, because it wasn't just the money that was appealing about you, although that was a big part of it.
- That's sweet.
- But you know, the divorce, I think, was a smart decision.
If you can't make it work in bed, then yes.
It just wasn't exactly what I was expecting.
You know, I always wanted to be penetrated.
I didn't want to be the penetrator.
- Oh.
- And that was something that you didn't seem to really understand or grasp.
Or be able to do, given I had nothing with which to penetrate you.
Well, when one really wants to penetrate, one will find a way to do it.
Right, which just goes to show we weren't made for each other.
Anyway, I was just thinking, well, I actually noticed your husband Kip campaigning.
Oh, right.
Yes, I'm married, too.
- Oh, where's the ring? - Oh, it's here.
I can't Oh.
From a long you know, we were both I was, you know.
That's sweet.
Well, we believe in, you know, traditional values and hanging on to the original, you know, jewelry that you, you know, were - Yes.
- committing to each other.
You must have really been in love.
Yes, well, he's very as you see, he's very successful now.
- I mean - I saw that, and that was what triggered my calling you, is because I realized that I've been paying you alimony for all these years, 17 years, and you've actually been married.
Oh, right.
Okay, 18.
Oh, so it was meant to stop, I guess, once I got married? Was that the agreement? It was so long ago, I don't remember.
Yeah, that was the agreement, actually.
- Okay.
- That's usually how it works when somebody divorces someone and then remarries.
Yeah, I'm sure it was in the agreement, but you want it back? Is that is that what you're trying to say? Well, I mean, it wouldn't be a terrible thing.
I mean, I feel a little bit I feel a little bit taken advantage of.
- I mean - But no, of course not.
I would never take advantage of you.
I didn't know that I had the money, and I forgot that many years later, you know, when I got married.
Well, that's okay.
That's okay that you forgot.
I mean, you just have to go and look into some of your paperwork, and you just find that money, - and you can get it back to me.
- Oh.
Why don't you pull out your calculator and multiply that? I'm a therapist, a mental health professional now.
- Oh, okay.
- So you could've used my help, I think, back when you were You're funny again.
This is why I love you.
I still feel like I love you.
- Really? - A little piece of me, yes.
You know, you're so fun.
You've really lightened up, I think, because you were kind of you were really bitchy, you know? Tell me about it.
As a man, because maybe you weren't your true self, - and so or - I feel like I owe the world my true self, and coincidentally you owe me a $1/4 million in alimony since you've been married for the last 18 years.
I'm sorry.
You kind of froze.
- Is your Internet working? - Yes, it's working.
No, I don't hear you.
Oh, well.
Oh, we'll try it again.
Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, I got Aces high.
So that's the River? - What's the next? - I don't know.
Let's see what he's gonna bet on the River.
Ooh, I hope it's all-in, don't you? Yeah, if he goes all in, and I got Aces high Mm-hmm.
He did it.
He went all-in.
- Oh, did he? - He went all-in.
- Oh.
- Aces I win! - That's it, I won.
- Oh.
- 150 grand.
- Congratulations.
- That's awesome.
- Oh, wonderful.
Now you don't have to kill "F" in Philly.
- Oh, I'm gonna kill him.
- Why, what? Why? - Oh, yeah.
- Why would you? - Well, he deserves it.
- For what? - He just lost.
- That roller coaster, I can't handle that.
I'm gonna kill him.
Look, just enjoy your victory tonight.
You played so well as opposed to the night before when you made I don't know how many mistakes.
My God, you had a 2 of Clubs and a 3 of Hearts, and, I don't know, you were going for a Straight? When does that ever happen? What? - What? - How do you know that? What? I'm just recounting something you had told me.
I don't remember telling you any specifics about the hands I had.
- Oh, you don't? Oh.
- No.
Maybe in your rage, you experienced a blackout.
- That can happen.
- No.
I didn't give you any specifics about the game last night.
You had to have told me about it, because how else would I know? I couldn't know that, because I'm not there.
- But you did know that.
- What? No, I didn't know that.
Were you in the game last night? - What? No.
- Were you in the game? In the game? It's not "f'in Philly".
It's "F" in Philly.
- Well - Fiona in Philly.
Are you "F" in Philly? - Is that you? - Uh-huh, yes.
Well, yes.
Awesome! - You're the best bluffer ever.
- Oh.
- You're like a genius.
- Oh, thank you.
You've been playing me this whole time? Well, not playing.
I was in the game last night, and you know.
- That's incredible.
- Didn't just beat you.
- I - Well, we make a great team.
Yes, we did.
We really did.
That's what we should do.
That's what we should do.
You and me team up.
Yeah, well, I'll see you on the boards.
Well, I'm better when I have you as a companion like this, like tonight.
We killed it.
We cleaned up.
Oh, well, I have a busy life.
I don't think I can do this every night, you know.
No, no, no, no, no, listen, here's what we'll do.
I'll come there, and we can play from your house, and sometimes we can play here from my place.
She she won't even know.
You come in through the back.
Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen.
Well, sure it is.
Well, I don't want it to happen.
I didn't ask you if you want it to happen.
I'm telling you what's gonna happen.
I'll come there, and I'll get you.
- You get me? - Abduct? Get you, and then we'll play together.
It'll be fantastic.
Oh, that would be fun.
I actually I have a career, so, you know, I don't No, you know you don't.
- What? - That's not a career.
Listen, this can be a career.
Trust me.
Well, I'd have to check with my husband.
You don't have a husband.
He's gay.
He left you.
You told me that.
That's right.
I did.
- I have a boyfriend.
- No, you don't.
You know what? It's unethical.
Why are you resisting? It's unethical? - You're fired.
- I'm a therapist.
You're fired.
Now it's wide open for you and me to clean up on the tables.
What do you say? I respectfully decline.
No, no, I'll cut you in a little more, 2%.
Honey, can you come in here, please? In a minute! What do you say? That's ridiculous, first of all, and, second of all, I'm just not interested.
But you just doubled your money.
- No, you'll do very well.
- Honey? In a minute! Okay, listen, this is gonna be great.
- Our luck is just beginning, huh? - I don't.
Who the fuck are you guys? - Who is it? - What are you doing? - What is this? - Oh.
Get off of me.
What the Fiona! Did you do this? No, it's the intervention.
- I don't feel lucky right now.
- Go with it.
Oh, maybe I am lucky.
I'm gonna get in a game.
Hello, Fiona, how are you, love? I'm good, mother.
It's your mummy, yes, mummy.
Your mummy.
I've just left London, and I've affected the most wonderful English accent.
You're on Austen Clarke's jet? Yes, I am.
Isn't he a lovely, lovely man? He's the man behind U.
omni media who bought Net Therapy.
Oh, what a wonderful coincidence.
It is huge.
It's huge, Fiona.
Yes, I heard that you made out very well.
So congratulations.
So I met him in London, you know, because I went there to receive my last payment on the sale of Net Therapy.
What do you mean your final payment? How much? Well, $60 million was this final payment.
What? How much did you get all together? Oh, darling, I never talk money.
- You just did.
- Anyway Did Austen mention me? Oh, my dear, when someone brings you up, I stop them midsentence, because that kind of thing is not something that I want to dwell on.
Well, so if someone says, "Your daughter Fiona is lovely," you go, "Stop right there, not another word"? I have a wonderful relationship with Austen right now, and I don't want to bring any unpleasantness into the scheme.
There's nothing unpleasant about my relationship with Austen.
I'm sure he'd only have lovely things to say about me.
Did you know that Austen's baby is to be born any day soon? I hope, if you're still smitten with him, I hope that doesn't set you back or cause you any kind of heartache or grief.
Well, I mean, you don't know what my relationship with him is, but it's a very solid relationship, and his, you know, accidental impregnation of Gina doesn't really affect me one way or the other.
Why would it be accidental? Well, he didn't intend to impregnate her.
He told me he's so looking forward to parenthood, - being a father.
- Yes, well He says it's one of the great joys that he's missed.
I told him, "Well, parenting is not all that it's cracked up to be, and it has never been for me.
" I cannot say that mothering was a rewarding experience, and I hope that fathering will be something more acceptable to him, but so I gave him my condolences and left it at that.
Oh, that's kind of you, because I know he's actually looking forward to parenting this child.
They always do before the child arrives.
- They always do.
- Oh, they always? Like my father did? I'm on my way to Boston anyway.
You know, the English accent will come in handy in Boston, because there's a similarity there.
- Yes, that's you.
- Cheerio.
You're a human sponge.
I'm going to be the eulogist at Mabel's memorial service.
You remember Mabel who died tragically.
A while ago.
Her family felt it was a fitting delay before we did a memorial, so I'm going to deliver the eulogy, and I thought, I don't want to do something ordinary like most eulogists.
I want to do something very special.
And so as a tribute to Mabel and to our kind of community where we met at the asylum doing puppet theater, I've decided to have a kind of sock-o-drama memorial.
- Oh, that's cute.
- And at the appropriate moment, my lips are stuck together.
I've had so much weed today.
That's probably not good.
Anyway, as I was saying, I will have Mabel tied to a large bundle of helium-filled balloons, and then she will rise and go aloft, presumably to heaven.
I think that will fill everyone's heart, don't you? That's so innovative and forward-thinking.
Anyway, darling, the reason I've called is I tried to reach Kip on my mobile, but he seems to be out of service range.
- Yes.
- I so need to speak with him.
Would you tell him that I rang? Well, if I speak to him again, I will, but I'm sure as you know, that, you know, Kip has left me, and he's, you know, living in new Mexico now.
I know.
I counseled him on that.
To divorce me? Thank you.
Well, just to take a rather extended leave of absence.
Okay, great, did you counsel Because I love and adore Ben.
- You do? - Yes, I do.
He's a delightful gentleman.
Ben Tomlund? He's horrible.
He's so good-looking.
And I do think there's a chance he might be gay.
You think there's a chance that Ben might be gay? - Yes.
A very tiny, tiny chance.
- Mother, he is gay.
Yes, Ben is who Kip left me for.
Oh, no, no, no, he may be reaching out out of the generosity and the milk of his human kindness.
You know, he has always been someone to try to pull young men up by their bootstraps.
Or something else.
And I've always admired him for that, and they are so lovely together and so much fun.
Mom, do you not know that Ben is now in jail? Because he tried to set me up.
You know that you did commit that fraud.
Of course, I did not.
I didn't.
He set up an account.
I think we both One does not get set up for fraud.
Yes, if Ben's behind it, you do.
He played a very good game, but I beat him at it.
- How's that? - I won't listen to you.
I will not listen to another word you're saying.
She won't listen.
Just stop it, stop it, stop it.
He played a very good game, but I beat him at it.
Oh! Oh, turbulence.
Oh, oh, dear.
- A little turbulence.
- Oh, I hope it is.
I love turbulence.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Let me get that.
I never knew where to find those.
I had my dentist replace the oxygen here with nitrous oxide.
- Oh.
- Have you ever had sex during autopilot when there's turbulence in the aircraft? - No, I - Catoot, catoot.
The pilot is so adorable, darling.
Hello, Sylvie.
It's good to see you again.
Hello, Fiona.
How are you? I'm fine.
You look wonderful.
Thank you.
I feel so good.
- Oh.
- I'm so excited.
I was actually just calling to thank you.
Oh, that's so nice, thank me for my wonderful advice.
Oh, did you sue? Did you file a sexual harassment No, no, no, it wasn't that.
- Oh.
- It wasn't that.
It was something else that you said that just was, like, so brilliant.
Oh, be alluring and seductive, because you are now.
Oh, thanks.
No, no, it wasn't that either.
It wasn't actually, like, any advice you really gave me.
- Uh-huh.
- It was just that you were talking about the mocktail and bringing it into the digital space - and product placement.
- Right, because I influence my clients, which now you well know.
Right, right.
Well, that part wasn't that good, because you don't have that many clients, but the part that was good was I just started thinking, like, oh, because it's not a traditional beverage, it's like, in powder form, you actually could sell it online, because it's easy to order, so that was, like, a good fit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, blah, blah, blah.
I ended up calling the company, and I talked to them about bringing it into the digital world, and they loved the idea.
- Ooh.
- They freaked out.
- Wonderful.
- Yeah, it's amazing, and not only did they love the idea, they are, like, wanting to hire me as their in-house product placement person, so basically, like, I can go work for Kraft now.
- Oh.
- It's, like, my dream job.
- They're a huge company.
- Yeah, it's, like, enormous.
So now they want me, of course, to drink it in front of my clients, and then they tell someone, and then they tell someone and like that? No.
No, no, no, I didn't really talk about that part of it, because I, you know, like, I'm not gonna say, like, "Oh, I talked to this web therapist," you know.
Well, that's a little unethical.
I mean, I think I am consumer zero, so, you know, the epidemic of this drink exploding into a huge trend starts with consumer zero, and that is I.
I think it would be kind of unethical to be partnering up with a therapist in a business venture.
You know, like, there's no way for me to really bring you along.
But I am also an inventor.
I mean, I invented the modality of web therapy, so that's not so hard to fathom, is it? No.
And so I also invented the idea of having consumer zero.
I just came up with it, and it's genius.
- Right.
I just - It's a beautiful marketing idea.
You market it as, say it's like a virus, this thing spreads like a virus, it's like the Influenza of drinks, and, instead of patient zero, it's consumer zero, and you feature me.
- Right.
- Oh, it's brilliant.
No, I'll be I'll be sure to mention that.
I mean, maybe they'll love the idea of their drink being like a disease.
- Yes.
- You never know.
That could kind of A pandemic.
A pandemic, yeah, a pandemic beverage, totally.
- Right, right.
- Yeah, I'm gonna say that to them, but anyway it's awesome, but I haven't told them here yet that I'm gonna quit, because they want to promote me once they heard this Kraft thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- So what I did was, like, I basically said yes, because you were kind of like telling me - to put myself first.
- Right.
But what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna quit as soon as my stock options come in here, I'm gonna quit, and I'm gonna take that other job.
Oh, well, that's wonderful.
- And I was, like, oh, finally.
- Very smart.
Thank you.
I was, like, finally, you know, I'm playing, like, the game of life, basically is what I feel like you were telling me.
I mean, I'm sure you're going to, you know, make Mike really regret not staying with you, because you're so confident, and, you know, it's very appealing and sexy, and you're pretty.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Good for you.
- Yeah, he's actually, like, already starting to flirt with me.
I think, like, when he heard I got this big job, I mean, maybe he thinks I can help him out or whatever.
- Oh, I'm sure.
- But he's just like, I'm sure, I mean, I don't know.
You know, I mean, it could be genuine.
Yeah, he might like you.
He might.
I don't think so, but Maybe me just being, like, more confident, like he's seeing that good side of me that he kind of loved at the beginning, so, anyway, but, yeah, I feel like that could or it's weird.
It's just, like, one moment you're kind of, like, falling apart - Right.
- And stalking somebody almost, and then the next minute, it's like everything is great.
Not almost.
Yeah, you were, you were stalking him.
You'd lost it.
You'd lost it.
I wasn't really stalking him.
Well, you'd lost your mind a little bit.
You had.
And then I helped you put it back together, humpty dumpty, an impossible a Herculean task that I accomplished, and I was happy to do it.
That's what I'm here for.
Right, well, thank you.
Yeah, your mind was closed.
I opened it.
But, yeah, so I think I'm actually gonna take him with me - Oh.
- to Kraft when I go there.
- Really? - Like, hire him, because he was kind of, like, begging for a job, so That's so nice of you.
Yeah, but then, like, here's the great part.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna dump him and fire him the next week.
Oh, all right.
Well, ooh, you're a formidable I know.
force, I guess, in the workplace now.
It's all you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome.
I mean, you're like an angel of darkness.
- Oh, oh.
- Isn't that funny? Well, I don't see myself that way.
Angel of light, of illumination, you know.
Well, I see that there's, like, you know, darkness in the world, and you kind of got to harness it to get ahead.
- Well - So I appreciate that.
That's one way of looking at it.
And I just wanted to thank you, because I really, truly feel like you just turned my life around.
Oh, you're so welcome.
Although it reminds me, because first, like, I had started to dispute my PayPal charge to you, but I should actually reverse that now that I'm thinking about it.
I think, like, you know, I really, I can't thank you enough.
Oh, no, I'll forgive it.
I'll forgive it in lieu of, you know, whatever commission you and I come up with for this new deal.
That's funny.
Good one.
It's not a joke.
I think we need to figure out what my cut is.
- What do you mean your cut? - Well, this was my idea.
You know, it's an intellectual property thing.
You know, I own the idea of, you know, mocktails digital.
Oh, no, no, no.
I gave you that idea, so something Oh, right, but you also gave me your client list, which was kind of unethical, so I'm sure the psychological review board wouldn't want to hear that.
See, look at me looking out for number one just like you told me.
I finally got it straight.
- Hello, Chris.
- Hi, Fiona.
Good to see you again.
How fun.
We really are girlfriends chatting, huh? You kill me.
Um, I-I, this is such a hard conversation for me to have with you.
The money again? It's not so much about the money this time.
Oh, okay.
I wasn't 100% honest with you when we first spoke.
And I wanted to clarify a couple of things and then possibly ask for not only your forgiveness but maybe your assistance.
- Huh.
- I've had some troubles in my marriage recently.
I've given my husband Freddie no reason to mistrust me or second guess anything that I tell him.
- Right.
- Although I am having an affair.
- Oh.
- And I wasn't completely upfront about that, and he became very suspicious over the last couple of months, and he went through my things.
- Okay.
- He read my diary - Oh.
- Which didn't have any truth in it, so that was all right.
Because it was set up that way.
- Right.
- But he also burgled my desk.
- Oh.
- And he found - my first marriage folder.
- Oh.
It says what does that say, "My First Marriage"? Yeah, I just said that.
- Right.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's a great way to have a secret folder.
Well, inside of this folder are pictures of you and Kip.
- Okay.
- Do you follow me? No.
Oh, my first marriage, and there are pictures of me and Kip.
Okay, so he's in danger of finding out about your previous self.
He doesn't know that I was married to a woman.
All right.
What? Right.
- Hello.
- Oh, he thinks Kip? He thinks I was married to Kip, yes.
To Kip, oh, okay.
All right.
So what I need from you, Fiona can you please look at me - when I'm talking to you? - I'm sorry.
I had an itch in my eye.
That's okay.
And I figured by the time I understand what you're saying, maybe I had a chance to scratch it.
Are you all right? Is everything okay with your vision? Yes, I'm fine.
I see you.
You're still a woman.
- Okay.
- All right.
At your age, some people can contract No, my age is fine.
It's fine.
- Okay.
- I don't have, what, cataracts? Is that what you were going to say? I don't have them, because I don't know what age you think I am, but it's around the same age as you, maybe a little old Anyway, what's your point? It's not about me.
It's not, actually.
It's more about me.
- Right.
- So I was calling to see if maybe we could set some sort of dinner up to get my husband Freddie off of my trail, maybe track him onto another scent.
Since he believes that I was married before, and I told him to Kip, he thinks that I have reignited my affair with Kip and that's who I'm having an affair with, and, in fact, that's not who I'm having an affair with.
I'm having an affair with a man named Ronald.
- Okay.
- But he doesn't know anything about Ronald, so I know that I can convince him if we could just have dinner, the four of us - Right.
- And Kip could be all over you, - and I know that he's gay.
- Right.
Does your husband not know that he is? Because the press clippings, I mean, it was a big story.
My husband, he has cataracts.
- Oh.
- So he's not a great reader.
- Okay.
- So he doesn't That's why I brought it up.
It wasn't to insult you or to imply that you were aging rapidly.
I'm actually very familiar with the disease.
Um, all right, so you need me and Kip? What I'm proposing, Fiona, to you is an idyllic setting, something, a dinner of sorts, breaking bread, if you will, it would be a double date, in essence.
It would be you and Kip and me and Freddie.
And Kip would be all over you, pawing at you, you know, very sexually aggressive at the dinner table.
That's not his style, really.
Well, can it be for one night? Well, if I could get him for one night, but that's unlikely.
We're in the middle of divorce proceedings.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- So, yeah.
But are you still in contact? Yes, yeah, no, it's still it's friendly.
Okay, well, I think you can give it a whirl.
Well, do you know what? I will give it a whirl if you can drop all of your efforts to reclaim the alimony.
Oh, that isn't even on the table anymore.
I forgot about that after we were done Skyping the last time, - you know, I mean - Oh, so this really is a girlfriend asking another girlfriend for a favor.
It is.
That's exactly what it is.
- Thank you for seeing that.
- Oh, how fun.
I'm in on something.
Yes, it's like two old buddies that used to be married and one was the opposite gender, and now we're back together, and it's our souls that are reconnecting - Right.
- to convince my husband that what I'm doing is not happening.
Right, well, here's what I can do.
I'll tell you what I can do, is that I actually have footage of Kip with the boyfriend, right, so I could bring that.
I have all the footage from the camp.
It's a long story.
But anyway, I have evidence, you know, of Kip's affair.
And I'd be happy to show that to Freddie, and then there's no doubt that this very gay man would never be interested in the woman you are now.
That's very, very smart.
I like the way you think.
Well, it's just thinking.
Well, you've always been smart.
- Well.
- You've always been smart, very sexual.
That's me.
I feel like, when I look at you, it's almost as if I'm looking in the mirror.
- Oh.
- Obviously, it's more of a funhouse mirror, but it's still a mirror nonetheless.
- Right.
- I feel almost like I've never had a twin.
Neither have I.
But I feel like I might have one now.
- Oh.
- It's almost like we can finish each other's sentences, don't you think? - I'm sure, yes.
- Let's try it.
- Right now? - Yes.
The sky is Blue.
Oh, see? Look at that.
That is a high level of connection.
- Let's try one more.
- Okay.
And I'll start it, and then you can finish it.
- Okay.
- The other day I was driving down the street, and my chauffer turned around and said to me "Are you sure you want to drink that much?" Maybe we took the game too far.
I was just pretending I were you.
I don't have a chauffer, so I imagined that you have a chauffer.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And so I was supposed to be you in the scenario.
That's totally my fault.
Ever since I've been down here, I've just lost a grip on what regular people I live in a rarified world.
Do you have children? I wonder.
- I don't.
- Okay.
Neither do I.
I can't have children with my situation.
- Oh.
- I think that was kind of a silly question.
Well, people adopt children, or they have surrogates have children for them.
- Or they steal them.
- Yes.
- And I wouldn't steal a baby.
- No.
It's not the type of person that I am.
And, if you won't steal a baby, then certainly you won't adopt one or okay.
Okay, this sounds like a wonderful plan.
Oh, good.
All right.
So fantastic, and I have access to a private plane, so it's no problem for me to get to It's Houston? - You're in Houston? - Yes, I live in Houston.
- Okay.
- That's in Texas.
- Well, yes, I know that.
- Oh, okay.
I didn't know if you were familiar with all the geography.
Of the State of Texas? Well, I mean, I know Houston.
Oh, I didn't know if you actually I didn't know - Houston's very famous.
- Oh.
I didn't know that you were familiar with the South.
Yes, no, I am.
I mean, I You're more of a city girl.
You've always been more of a city girl, - so I didn't know - Right.
But I did attend school, and I did, you know, have to memorize the 50 states.
- Okay.
- Right.
Do you know what the capital of Texas is? Well, it's in Austin.
That's a good girl.
All right.
- Well - Good-bye.
Oh! - Oh, Fiona, Fiona.
- Hello.
I'm at the hospital.
Gina, she went into labor.
She's having the baby two weeks early.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, it must have been all that frolicking last night at the wedding bachelorette.
and there was people touching her in the wet t-shirt contest.
Everything, it just kind of jingled everything out, and it's all, so, yeah, I'm here at the nurses' station.
They're letting me Skype you.
She's just through there.
She wants me to help her push, but frankly, you know, I think that baby is not gonna touch the sides - on its way out.
- That's true.
Well, what fun, you had a wedding last night - Yes.
- Her bachelorette party, the wet t-shirt contest, and whatever else we missed after we left.
And then I spent the night with you.
I have to say, I had more fun on your wedding night than I had on my own.
Wait, but I just left you at 6:00 this morning, so when did it happen? Oh, well, apparently, she went straight from the Chippendales to the buffet at the casino, and it was there her waters broke when she was standing in the line, and sadly three people sustained concussions when they slipped on the fluids and banged their heads - against the sneeze guard.
- Oh.
But, you know, out of pain there comes joy.
- Little Angus is on his way.
- Yes.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Yeah, yeah.
Hopefully there will be no lawsuits, okay.
Oh, that's her screaming.
- I've got to go.
- Oh, will I lose you this weekend for our rendezvous in New York? - I'll see you soon.
- But will I see you? You're going the wrong way! Oh, okay, well, that started already.
Oh, no, no, no, we don't have bugs.
My husband's so wealthy that he was able to pay off all the people who are in charge of the bugs.
- It's Fred? - Yes.
I call him Freddie for short.
You know that that it takes longer to say the two syllables than It's ineffable, the feelings that I'm feeling just right everywhere.
It's funny how you know very sophisticated words at times, and then at other times