Web Therapy (2011) s03e09 Episode Script

Affairs to Remember

Previously on Web Therapy You know, Gina Spinks.
- Gina's pregnant? - Yes, and so How far along is she? Do you know? I don't three, four months, or I'm not sure.
Net Therapy, please hold.
Um, that's amazing.
I'm going to be the eulogist at Mabel's memorial service.
I will have Mabel tied to a large bundle of helium-filled balloons, and then she will rise and go aloft, presumably to heaven.
So I was calling to see if maybe we could set some sort of dinner up to get my husband, Freddie, off of my trail.
- Hi, Jerome.
- Oh, hi, Dr.
Oh, good.
You're at my desk.
Yeah, it's just so much roomier when you're not here.
I've got a little bit more room to spread out and Right, no, but I need you at my desk - for this one time.
- Oh, good.
It's just that this is such a boring flight to Houston.
Oh, how is Houston? I'm not there yet, Jerome.
I'm on an airplane.
I can't tell you how Houston is.
- I'm not there.
- Oh, right, right.
- You don't have eyes? - I do.
I do.
When you land, though, you should take some pictures and send them my way.
I'll post 'em.
Good note.
Okay, good.
Listen, you know what? I really need you to do something for me, because that computer crash that happened last week corrupted a lot of my sessions.
And then it just dawned on me that I really, really need those Conan O'Brien sessions, 'cause I would like to be on his show eventually, and I might need to persuade him.
And so, if you show him your sessions with him, that will make him put you on his show? Well, if I need to, yes.
I need that insurance.
Okay, do you know which folder they're in? Because I'm Let me see a second.
Hold on.
Files Okay.
Yeah, these are just pictures of you in lingerie.
Well, don't go into that.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let me just close it.
Let me just close it.
Oh, my God, that was upsetting.
- I need to see my - Okay, hold on.
There's one that says "sessions.
" Sessions.
It's not it's different.
It's special sessions.
Special sessions.
It's "P.
" Private recorded sessions.
Hold on, we're Skyping.
Let me Hold on one second.
Let me screen-share with you.
- Oh, yes, and that way I can see it.
- I'll give you your desktop.
- Hold on, I'm gonna - You'll be my cursor.
And "share screen.
" There.
You found something you're good at.
You can be a cursor.
Oh, thanks.
Can you, um, can you see it? It should have swapped.
Okay, yes.
Okay, good.
All right, yes, P.
Private recorded sessions.
- I see 'em.
- So open that.
- Okay.
- Okay, oh.
- Let's see.
- Wow, there's a lot of them.
It's a lot of them, so And they're not I didn't title them.
They just have numbers.
These don't have any pictures on them.
Eh, all right.
Well, start with the first one, and let me see it.
All right, all right, gotcha.
Um, there.
Oh, that's - Fiona.
- That's me.
Uh, I'll delete this.
No, don't delete it.
What are you doing at my desk? You're always at my desk.
You weren't in town, and I I told you that I met Gina, right? Oh, Gina was trying to call me.
I'll delete this.
No, don't delete it.
I want to see it.
Gina Spinks.
Are you Gina Spinks? I think so.
I had met her before.
That's all that this is.
You didn't tell me that you'd met her before.
Did you used to go by the name Angie? I used to know her as Angie.
It's just a coincidence.
That's all it is.
But I shortened it to Gina because "Gina" sounds better in bed Yeah, she's funny.
Did you used to hang out on third street at Baru? We knew some of the same people.
Oh, Baru.
I love Baru.
This is really private.
Oh, is it private? On my computer? Oh, well, too bad.
It's like a DVD that I own, and I get to watch it.
Oh, God.
So it was around 2003, - at Baru.
- Yeah.
And you took me home.
I'm gonna fast-forward it just a little bit.
Well, I don't want you to fast-forward it.
Well, Dr.
Wallice, this is just Well, I want to see this.
It's my property.
It was also my first time with a woman.
Yeah, as it turns out, I had lost my virginity to Gina.
That's all.
That's all you need to know.
Okay? Oh, you're gay.
She doesn't remember.
You didn't make much of an impression.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm accidentally fast-forwarding.
Stop fast-forwarding! Stop it! You were you were very tender.
I have to tell you, I had you remember, I was crying.
That's not like me.
Well, it was like you that night.
Because you held me There's something wrong with your keyboard.
- It keeps fast-forwarding.
- No, don't you try.
- No, stop it! - I can't help it.
This isn't up to you.
I get to watch this.
Not my fault.
If you do anything to this, you're fired.
And you were very sweet with me, honestly.
I mean, even after I soiled myself and I threw up a little bit, you cleaned me up.
And it was really it was one of the most memorable nights of my life, and I've been wanting to thank you, actually.
Did you roofie me? I did not.
I did not roofie her.
- No, I didn't.
- I love it.
I wouldn't even know where to get something like that.
Oh, my God, roofie sex is amazing.
It's better than ambien sex.
Oh, oh, I didn't well I don't remember this at all, but I'm sure Well, that's unfortunate 'cause it really it changed me forever.
I mean, after that, I had confidence.
I started dating.
I'm married now.
So I guess I have you to thank.
I popped your cherry.
- So to speak.
- I totally popped your cherry.
Doesn't know how things work.
- Broke your hymen.
- So to speak, yeah.
Did you wear a purity ring? I didn't, but I could have.
Why were you waiting so long? Sex is great.
Well So now you're doing Fiona now.
- No, no.
- Oh, no, Dr.
Wallice, I don't know where she got that idea.
I hope she was kidding.
That's not something I ever told her or even gave her any indication I know, I heard.
We're kind of associates, in a way.
Well, we should get together, 'cause I have stepped my pussy game up.
Oh, my God.
You're very smitten.
It sounds like a lot of fun, it does, but my wife, Hayley, would not be into that.
Wallice, this is just Listen, you get it.
It was a coincidence.
You are blushing.
That was really fun.
I have to say, my goodness, Jerome.
For one of us maybe.
So flirty.
I wonder what that led to.
Well, it didn't lead to anything.
I mean, we had that one time, and then, you know And then there was this other time, more recently, after the Skype thing.
And that's it.
And really, between that Those were the two times we connected, and that was it.
So you did.
I was just kidding.
But you really did sleep with her again.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Well, it was I'm not sure I know I don't know how I feel about that, Jerome, having these casual affairs while you're working at my office.
It was one time.
You were in New York, and I did not go around the corner.
I had to get on a flight to Nome, and it was expensive, and it was anything but casual, believe me, especially on a bumpy flight when I'm vomiting most of the time.
When did you go to Nome? Well, you know, when she was working How long ago was that? You you It was in Mar uh, April, May, June, July, August Nine months ago.
Nine months ago.
Wallice, do you think? Oh, my God.
So you were right delete that session.
Delete it.
And delete this conversation that we're having, because no one needs to know about any of this.
- Do you understand me, Jerome? - Okay.
That baby is Austen's and will live in Scotland happily ever after.
- Hello, mother.
- Hello, Fiona.
Where are you? Well, I'm in your apartment in New York.
Yes, that's my p What are you doing at my penthouse? How did you get in? Well, the doorman He let me in.
I don't understand why he let you in.
He knows me.
Yeah, but he doesn't know you with $100 bill in your hand.
You should try tipping now and then, Fiona.
Well, when I live there long enough and a holiday No, there are people in this world who cannot resist cash.
Yes, doormen I understand.
But it's not Christmas, so I Anyway, I wanted to tell you I don't need to hear from Kip.
I've seen him.
He was just here last night in Manhattan, and he came to my reading, and he loved it.
He absolutely loved it.
- Your reading of what? - Of my new book.
- What? - My new book.
When did you write a book? Oh, you know about my new book about senior abuse.
About what? Senior abuse.
What would you know about senior abuse? Oh, I know far too much.
It was hard to write.
I had to really suffer through it.
I had to do a lot of digging and revealing of my inner experience, and it's not easy, Fiona.
Yeah, what is your experience with elder abuse? My experience has been dreadfully painful.
And I must say, the emotional trauma is something that I pray no other mother has to suffer.
No other mother? And I'm tossing around a few titles.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'd like to know your thoughts.
"Don't Hit Me in the Face, Fiona, I'm Your Mother.
" What? No.
"Please, Fiona, Not Again.
I Can't Breathe.
" That you can't title a book with my name in it.
Oh, don't worry, I've disguis in the book, you would not recognize even yourself.
Who cares? 'Cause in the title I'm clearly identified as an abusive daughter.
Well, then perhaps I will change the title to "Don't Cry For Me, Fiorina.
" You don't paint yourself as the victim of elder abuse at my hand.
How dare you? No, you know what? Do whatever you want.
I'm gonna have my husband the lawyer, Kip, file an injunction.
You won't get to publish this book.
Oh, just try and stop it.
- I am going to try and stop it.
- You will not succeed.
Have you ever heard of freedom of speech? And Kip is my lawyer.
He will not bring any kind of suit against me.
Then I'll get someone else to, but you simply cannot publish Frivolous, frivolous, frivolous, frivolous, frivolous, frivolous.
Frivolous? It's libelous.
I'm sorry, I have to talk to my maid.
Mimi, would you please bring me something? An alka-seltzer, something, because I have a headache and a tummy ache, and I'm just not feeling well.
Yes, oui, oui, madame.
I had to fire your help.
They were so incompetent.
I don't have any help.
- You fired the neighbor's help.
- No, no, stop! I will not listen to another word.
You've never listened to me anyway - My goodness.
- So it doesn't matter.
Can you imagine what I endured with you as a child, moody as you were? You had another daughter living with you.
- Oh, Shevaun.
- The whole time, so Shevaun has been no trouble to me whatsoever.
No, not after we kicked her out of your home.
At least Shevaun didn't lock me up in a mental institution.
You wanted to go to that hospital.
I would have gladly committed you.
That was your choice.
Please stop with these lies! You begged me, to avoid murder charges 'cause you killed Mabel I begged you for nothing.
You suborned perjury.
You told me and I have the recording you told me to lie to the authorities.
- Yes.
- And I think that was when it struck me so deeply in the heart, that my own daughter would risk me being jailed in a common prison! I was keeping you out of jail by saying, "Don't say anything.
You don't know how this woman died.
" Oh, I wish that were true.
- Oh, stop it.
- I hope you will try to give me the same kind of sendoff that I've given Mabel.
I'd like to be tied to balloons and be sent aloft.
You or the puppet? How many balloons The closer I can get to my heavenly father, the better I feel.
The happier I am.
Well, we can fire you from a cannon.
I have never had the kind of peace, tranquility, and reassurance that I get from the heavenly father.
And I am a little bit tired of your behavior.
These are these are crocodile tears.
That is such a lie.
It's genuine.
It's welling up.
It's bubbling from inside me.
And it's painful.
Oh, there's the doorbell.
It must be Kip.
- Kip is there? - Let's talk another day.
Why is he - Hi hi, Gina.
- Hi! - How are you? - I'm great.
You're on the jet.
I'm gettin' wet on the jet.
You sure are.
I can drink now, finally.
Yeah, well, it's been, what? When was the baby born? It was just a couple - Two weeks ago.
- Two you look great.
I know, I had a c-section, and they just They zipped that thing up.
'Cause, you know, Gina's 'gina is precious.
Don't I know it? - Yeah.
- No, I'm just kidding.
I'm sorry.
Are you, um are you in any pain, or are you Fully recovered? I'm completely drinking so much.
I'm drinking my face off.
I can't feel a thing.
- Well, you would - I'm so happy.
You enjoy it.
You deserve it.
I know, I do.
It was awful.
Well, listen, the reason I wanted to talk to you is because Dr.
Wallice really wants to send a baby gift - for-for baby Angus and - Oh.
- Yeah, but, you know - Great place for a baby gift.
And they do, they have those baby rattles in silver and stuff like that, which So cute in the blue box.
In the blue box, but we can maybe maybe what we can do is bronze something really valuable, really personal, like from the - I don't like bronze.
- Right, right.
'Cause at the Olympics, like, you don't want the bronze.
That's a good point.
Well well, we could dip it - in any metal, but - Yeah.
And maybe get something even more personal, like I don't want the silver either.
We could take something - Gold? - something of Angus's and dip it in gold and then give that to him as a special gift, but Like his giant wanker.
Well, that would be awkward, 'cause the whole reapplication of it might Oh, I can't take it off.
I get it, I get it.
Yeah, you see what I'm saying? Maybe a fingernail or a hair.
Little lock of it Was he born with hair? - No.
- No.
- He's bald.
- Uh-huh.
Has he had a solid poop? Do you know? I've never changed a diaper.
- I don't know.
- Oh, okay.
'Cause that might be something that we can Well, a fingernail.
A little flake of skin.
I don't want to hurt him.
Um, you know, but we can dip it in gold.
Whatever you can find a hair Well, if you could dip it in a lot of gold - Oh, we - Like, I would like - something, like - Yeah.
- We'll dip it.
- 100-karat gold.
We'll double-dip it.
- We'll make it'll be - Double-dip it.
A lot of gold.
Lot of gold.
But what I'll need is that little the trinket, whatever we can get from him, like An eyelash, some earwax, little heel skin or Well, you know what? The the thingy on his belly button - Yeah.
- It hasn't come off, - but it's about to come off.
- Oh.
- And I could pull it off.
- Perfect.
And if we dipped it in gold, it might make, you know - Yeah.
- A nice earring.
I'll send a courier.
- Hi, Fiona! - Hello, Chris.
Hi, that was so much fun last night.
You are a riot.
Well, it whatever your definition of fun is, I guess.
I have to say, the evening started off nice enough.
You know, it was nice to meet Fred.
He's a lot older than I thought he would be.
My goodness, I mean, of course I expected maybe a, you know, cane or but he on a gurney.
Well, he's always had back issues.
I mean, he was an incredible golfer earlier on in his life.
- When they invented golf? - Freddie loved you.
Freddie has the best sense of humor, and I knew you two would understand each other and "hit it off.
" How could you tell he has a sense of humor? He The stroke he had obviously left him sort of expressionless.
He's very old.
Well, he's but he looks good for his age, I think.
How can you tell with You have to count his rings.
How many strokes has he had? Oh, no, no.
He hasn't had a stroke.
He just had an allergic reaction to some watermelon he had earlier in the day.
So he sometimes he forgets he's allergic to certain kinds - of tropical fruits.
- Oh.
We can communicate just through the eyes sometimes.
That's all you have, I guess.
- Well, we also can sign.
- Oh.
Sometimes, you know, when men get to be that age, everything can be very, very tricky.
And that's why it's so important for me to start a career.
Because he's not going to leave you any of the money? No, there's plenty of money to be left, but, you know, I really want to start branching out on my own.
I have a lot of ideas for different fragrances and a music album that I would like to start.
I mean, I feel like my potential is so great, and I'm so beautiful, that I have the world at my fingertips.
And once he's gone, it's time to move on and find some new passion of mine.
Yes, well, that's all wonderful for you, but I don't understand where I fit in.
I don't understand why I had to be ambushed by your reality cameras.
You didn't tell me that you were on the Real Housewives of Houston.
Well, the show hasn't aired yet, so this is going to be episode number five, and that's why I wanted you to be in it, because this is called "sweeps" in the entertainment industry, and this is the week that everybody watches the show.
And I thought, what a wonderful launch pad for you to be seen with me coming out, and then you could be associated with me.
I thought, what kind of gift can I give back to you after putting you through such hell during our divorce? - I want you - Putting me through hell again? This is a launch pad for you to get the fame that you deserve and the attention that I've always thought you should garner.
But it's your show.
I was just this sucker who was plied with drink.
You know, that wasn't right.
I only ordered white-wine spritzers, and then all of a sudden, it's tequila and vermouth and I don't know what.
Yes, you've done this before, though, remember? When we were in college? You've done this before.
Yes, in college, people drink.
And then you're an adult, and you drink more responsibly.
And that's what I was attempting to do, but someone someone spiked my drinks.
Don't blame alcohol on reality television.
Don't do it.
I won't hear it.
Then don't hear it, but it's a fact of what happened.
And then all the cameras come out That's how reality television works.
But I didn't sign up for it.
You're not hearing what I'm saying.
Let me se I want to I want to send you some of this footage right now.
I'm sending it to you right now.
It's coming through your email right now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You look very sympathetic in this, and you look very beautiful, and just remember, we can fix the lighting, and the camera does add 35 pounds.
All right.
Okay, come on.
Come on, come on.
Follow me into the bathroom.
Ooh! Oh, it's okay.
Oh! No, I don't want it.
No, I don't want to be on the show.
- No, it's You do.
- I don't.
That's why I left.
I'm I ordered white-wine spritzers See, I'm very drunk.
I know.
I know, it's okay, though, if you still have feelings for me.
You can call me Christopher now.
- No, I don't! - Yes, you do.
- No, I don't care.
- This is for you.
I still have a little nugget left - What? - You slip all the way down.
Oh, I'm falling down! You're not falling.
You're falling into me.
I didn't want it! I didn't want to see it.
- Come back! - That's horrible.
Oh, no, no, no.
You look wonderful and natural, and it's a natural setting with a beautiful twist and a story culmination and arc for me.
- I finally have - Yes, for you.
Right, but us together.
We're together in this.
No, I don't want to be on a show.
The answer is no.
It's simple.
Okay, I'm gonna send you another link, because I was fearful that might be your reaction, knowing you as well as I do.
And this link, you're gonna look on, and we'll blur your face, and then there's going that will be spelling out what you're saying, so no one will even really hear your voice.
- Play.
- Okay, come on.
Come on, come on.
Follow me into the bathroom.
Oh, it's okay.
No, no.
That's not what I said.
I didn't say, "I am Fiona Wallice.
" So if we blur my face and then you write - I didn't say it.
- You did.
I just saw the tape from before, and I didn't say it.
You said a lot of things last night that you don't recall.
- You were in a very - No, but they've been recorded, and I viewed them, so But there was different times of the night where you recorded that you probably don't remember.
This is the exact same scene.
It's just chyroned.
I don't know what what are you doing? That's not what you're thinking, and that's not what the audience wants to see.
I don't care what the audience wants to see.
They're not going to see any of it, because I'm not signing the release.
What about if I continue your alimony payments? How about a raise in the alimony payments? How about raising the alimony payments? Okay.
That's a good idea that you have.
- Okay.
- How about, um by a factor of ten? What and what would you mean by a factor of ten when we're talking about $1,000 per month? I can give you $1,200 a month.
No, no, that's not nearly enough.
I want I want $5,000 a month.
That's where I draw the line.
- $12,050? - $1,250.
No, it's not enough.
Never mind.
Okay, listen.
$5,000 it is.
Well, that was very difficult negotiation, but thank you.
I have the paperwork here from the Bravo Network right here, Fiona, so I can just slip you a fax - Okay.
- And is your fax number still the same as what I have on record - The 888 number? - Well, I'm not I my fa I don't keep my fax You keep your fax right next to you? - Oh, yes.
It's portable.
- You use it that much? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Maybe could we hear some music? Is your victrola up and running? I don't know what year it is for you.
How do you want to get this paperwork to me? - If you don't have a fax - Well, this is recorded.
So right now I have it recorded that you're agreeing to pay me $5,000 a month in perpetuity to the same account you've been paying.
Who is Perpetuity? Um That means forever after.
I can agree to that.
- Oh, good.
- As long as Freddie's alive, anyway, he can pay it to you.
If this show doesn't take off, I can't guarantee that I'll pay you the $5,000, but if it does, then you will have earned the $5,000 per month.
No, no, no.
This is "in perpetuity" is forever.
"As long as Freddie is alive" is a week.
No, that's not going to work for me.
Freddie has a long life ahead of him.
He's got at least six to eight months, and if you count six, and you count multiply five time six, that's $30,000.
- Yes? - And yes.
And how many fax machines can you buy with that? Well, I don't need any, as it happens.
Fiona, if you think you're too good for a fax machine, then you can go live your high-society-falutin life.
- Okay? My goal - Well put.
My goal is to be on television and to be a star.
This isn't a mistake, this face.
I'm sorry.
My goals aren't as lofty as yours.
Okay, well, we're not competing, anyway.
We're friends, and we're in this together.
Right, so let's be friendly, and you'll pay me $5,000 a month as payment for my humiliation.
Okay, that sounds great to me.
- All right.
- Okay, well, we're - then we've agreed.
- We've agreed.
I have to say, Fiona, that it was just sort of - It was just nice - It was.
taking a walk down memory lane with you.
You know, I feel very, very connected to you.
I always have, and And I feel like last night was a breakthrough for us.
Well, last night was something else.
That's for sure.
But it's it is nice.
I do feel like I have a girlfriend.
Well, yeah.
Well, you do have a girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend who's got a little left over - from you-know-when.
- Oh, right.
And as favor and as a thank-you, I'm gonna send you a little jpeg of my nugget.
WellAnyway, it was good to reconnect.
Hopefully, it's not the last time.
No, I hope not.
All right, take care.
What? Oh.
Take care.
All right.
Hello, Austen.
Listen, do you know anyone at Bravo? Oh, yes, Andy that works.
Listen, I need to get a show canceled before it debuts.
Oh, what do you know? I still do have the same fax number.
Oh, hello, Austen.
Hi, Fiona.
I have some terrible news.
Angus is not my son.
Gina now says she thinks it's one of the workers in the canning factory in Alaska.
Oh, probably.
Yes, okay.
She narrowed it down to about 20.
- Oh.
- Apparently there was a night of doing J├Ąger shots nine months or so ago.
And they went ice fishing.
- Okay.
- Something happened in the hut.
- She can't quite remember.
- Oh, really? But all I know is Angus is not my seed.
I'm so sorry.
I know that it's very disappointing to you.
It's just that every other thing in my life that I've wanted, I've got - Mm.
- Including you, Fiona Wallice.
- Well, you still have me.
- Thank you.
That's good to know.
And now we're free.
We're not, actually, because Gina's refusing to divorce me.
- What? - She won't divorce me.
She said she's too used to the money.
She doesn't want to be a single mother, and I-I-I just feel like I can't divorce her.
The publicity would be so terrible.
And, also, I just feel I owe her.
I- I felt it was my child, and I married her, and I feel that, as a point of honor, I Point of honor? Pay her a huge sum of money to leave you high and dry.
Go back to Nome and bump into the father at some orgy.
I wish that were possible, Fiona.
She has already made a plan.
She's She wants the apartment next door to you, the sister penthouse.
- H-here? - Mm-hmm.
- Here? - Yeah.
She's already got plans to move in there.
In fact, the decorators have been in, and the builders have started doing preliminary - reconstruction work.
- Yes.
I've heard the noise.
It seemed very close.
Well, it's going to get closer, because they're going to be cutting a hole through the wall and doing an inter-joining doorway between your living room and our bedroom.
- No! What? - Mm-hmm.
That's crazy.
No, wait.
It Oh.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's gonna happen, Fiona.
She's a determined woman, and I don't know how to stop her.
Well, you stop her.
You put your foot down, and you you or take her back to Scotland, okay? Gather your clan, and then what How does it work? "I divorce thee," three times.
Isn't that something? There's nothing I can do, Fiona.
The woman is obsess She's obsessed with you.
She wants to be near you.
She wants the child to be near you.
Well, I'll make her sorry about that.
We're coming next week to New York on Tuesday, in fact.
And, uh, some furniture will be arriving Oh, I don't want it to happen.
It's going to happen, and actually she actually wants you, if you could possibly do me a favor, and look out for a leopard-skin crib.
Do you know anywhere that might stock that? - Clip? - Crib.
I'm sorry.
- I'm still getting used to the - To put little Angus in.
A crib, yes.
Leopard print.
It's it's starting.
I hear drilling.
- That's it.
- Right here.
Yes, that's probably the jacuzzi.
Then I will be the number-one housewife of Houston, and that can lead to so many different branding opportunities for me.
- And I just know, as - You're right, that is Those are my best interests.
How about continuing to pay the alimony payments? How about a raise in the alimony payments? How about raising the alimony payments? Okay Good, $5,000 a month, then I will sign it.
Okay, I have the paperwork right here.
Is your fax number still the same? Um I'm sorry.
Yet I have to have a moment to prepare.
An actor prepares Have you ever read the book?