Web Therapy (2011) s04e02 Episode Script

Arguing in Agreement

Previously on Web Therapy Barbara is my board of directors, and she said that she's very concerned about our upcoming retreat.
I had, you know, what you might describe as an "incident".
Do you ever do talks? I should.
- Do talks.
- You must come.
I need to offer you, a partnership in Web Therapy.
- What have I been thinking? - When Putsy and I got married, she insisted I shut you down and I I it's not a thing that a father should do to a daughter.
Hi, I'm just calling to see if you got the divorce papers.
Oh, yes, I did.
I have them right here.
- I don't think it's necessary.
- I don't either.
- Ok.
- Should we rip them up? Oh, hello, Kip.
- Hi.
- Look at you calling me.
Miss me? You know, I think we really did the right think by spending the weekend together.
- I do too.
The Poconos are lovely.
- It's a romantic kind of it cleared my head.
- Me too.
- of just so many things.
- Like a like a second honeymoon.
It was kind of a second honeymoon.
Without the sex, you know, it was perfect.
Even if it was sexless, you know, I understand.
First night we ate too much, and - the second night, it was - That that telephone was - so intriguing.
- Right, right.
I think at a certain age, sex is just it's just sort of I don't know, there's something - distateful to me.
It's off-putting to me.
- Off-putting.
- Right.
- You know, I just think, "ok, we've done it, good.
" - Good, now, it's - It's true.
It's like watching repeats of the - same episode of ER.
It doesn't matter - I know.
what the carnage is, I've seen it already.
I've seen it, I've done it, it's like [yawns), ok.
Good night, you know? - See how in sync we are? - And we kind of reestablish what our relationship is about.
Which is kind of solitary, and and kind of moving parallel lines.
But it's like sharing a cake.
You have your half, and I have my half.
I like my own half.
- Me too.
- And I like it cut in half, and I like it separated.
- Right.
Me too.
- You know? I'm gonna be spending a lot more time in you know, on my side of the plate.
With my cake.
And I wanted to tell you, that my clerk has found me the most, - comfortable little - What? downtown executive suite, which You can rent I've rented it for a year, you can rent it, you know, monthly, or sometimes hourly, but I I took a year, because I wanna be I wanna get ready for the next step and I think this is gonna help me so I moved out some of my things, I don't you may have noticed this, my suits are gone.
I'm gonna be spending more time down here, in in the suite, which is really it's gonna be good for me, and just, getting my head together.
And working.
- Networking? - Working, working.
- Networking, absolutely.
- Right.
You know, I'm just going to be spending more time on my own than I was before.
Oh, it was a lot before.
All right.
You know the concept of sequestering a jury? It's kind of similar, but it's sequestering a judge 'Cause I just need to keep objective, which is hard when you're living with someone who's sort of, you know, filling you with her chatter.
I mean, good chatter.
It's just that it's a lot - of chatter.
- Oh.
Me? Well, yeah, I mean, you've got opinions.
- Yes.
- And I can't - you know, I can't - absolutely I have opinions.
Well, I can't discuss the cases with you because that would be, you know That would be wrong.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know what? Why don't I come down there? And I can help decorate, you know, add a little woman's touch to it.
No, not tonight.
I'm having people over.
Some judges are coming over.
So it's kind of a business sort of social thing.
- Okay.
- So another time.
So then maybe tomorrow night I should come.
No, it's not good.
- Tomorrow night? - I've got a business dinner tomorrow night.
Well, I might surprise you one night.
You could try.
_ - Fiona? - Oh, hello, Garreth.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Listen, Fiona, it's, um Sort of a mixed mixed bag of news.
I did exactly what you told me to do.
I just I felt so confident.
- You spoke with my mother? - "You cannot do this to me.
You're humiliating me.
" And I and I walked into that room, and I said to her, "would you turn that off so I can talk to you?" Watching TV.
You could call it that.
Huh? And I looked her right in her good eye, and I 'cause one of them is not is a little cloudy.
Haven't seen her in a while.
And I said, "you're having an affair, aren't you?" And she said to me, "Garreth, my sex life is none of your business.
" And she threw the vibrator right at me, and it was still on.
And you know what? I felt so bad for that vibrator that it exists where it exists.
You know what I'm saying to you? Right, no, I and I know too much about what you're saying to me - as it turns out.
- So then I said to her, "I cannot live like this anymore.
" And then I told her that Web Therapy was back up.
- Oh, you did? - And she went berserk.
And she fired me From being her husband.
I'm I'm out.
I'm packed up.
- I mean, the Uber car is waiting for me - Oh, you are.
to take me to Uber-knows-the-hell-where.
I'm just going.
And I'm leaving the penthouse, and she's leaving the penthouse.
She's not staying there? It's I she's gone.
This place is spooked.
It's doomed.
It is just this abandoned - shell of a penthouse - Okay.
- Just filled with evil spirits.
- Right.
It's like Rosemary's Baby - Right, so - wouldn't live in this place.
I'll repaint.
It's more than repainting.
You have to bring that little woman in from Poltergeist and then make her go - "This house is clean.
" - Right.
This needs a total respiritualization.
Spiritual cleaning crew maybe.
- Maybe, maybe.
- Yeah, that's funny.
I'll take it seriously.
And I'll get a shaman.
- Fiona.
- Yeah.
- I have to tell you this.
- Yes.
I can't speak to you anymore.
- But - It's part of the deal.
I had to negotiate my way out of this, and, Fiona, she said, "I'm gonna give you this amount of money," and believe me, it's a nice amount of money.
Because, you know, I have a lifestyle that I want to live - Right.
- And that I'm used to living.
- So do I.
- So then I, master negotiator, said to her, "well, then I have a point that I want.
" Uh-huh.
And I said to her that Web Therapy stays up and it stays working.
"You don't touch Fiona's business.
Because she's really good at it.
" Well, she came at me with the good scissors.
And then I said, "uh, that's enough.
You're a psychotic woman.
" But web therap I can still do Web Therapy? I promise you Web Therapy will live.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, yes.
No, I'm sorry.
Well, I'm I mean, I don't know if I'm sorry for you or not.
Because you have a lot of money and you don't have to deal with her anymore.
Well, that's that's that, to me, is a win-win.
It's a win-win for you.
But the lose-lose for me is that I don't - you know.
- That's nice.
I don't know what to do with that because I've never really had a, you know, parental figure who is interested.
Yeah, well, now you still don't.
That's that's right.
_ Hello.
Oh, hello, Maya.
Hello, Fiona.
Wat a wonderfully enlightened time I had.
I was so happy to be part of it.
I'm so pleased, and you brought such a warmth and authenticity and just a beautiful presence to what was an already intriguing event.
I mean, you just put it over the top.
Oh, I can tell you're still taking the Those natural, organic pills - with the "V" on it that I brought you.
- Oh, Fiona, Fiona.
I have to say they are a miracle.
- I mean - They are.
I spent the whole weekend with not a feather ruffled.
Isn't that something? They're really wonderful.
It's probably just a placebo effect, but Well, it's a cousin to Valerian root - Valerian root, yes.
- And some, I think, ginseng, - and some oregano.
- Oh, that would be opposing Valerian and ginseng.
One is an upper.
One is a downer.
In nature, of course.
Right, that's, I think, the whole ungodly miracle of it.
Well, this is why we're soul sisters.
Oh, good, sister.
I'd love to come to the next one.
- Oh, you - Have to be invited.
You are invited in perpetuity.
Oh, wonderful, 'cause I saw Sonia Sotomayor - is going to attend and speak.
- Yes.
Well, we can have lunch in the ladies' tent together, the three of us.
And maybe I could even arrange for your husband to meet her as well.
Oh, that would be wonderful.
He's really he admires her a lot.
Yeah, so, and I just it'll be fun to have lunch.
She's gonna eat the food that you serve there? We also do, uh, vegan Mexican food very well.
So she'll feel right at home, and she'll love it.
- Okay.
- It's wonderful.
We do a cashew cheese that you wouldn't believe, honestly.
- I don't believe it.
- You wouldn't believe it's not cheese.
Well, I believe that it's not cheese.
No, but you wouldn't.
Except that it's not.
It's not cheese, Fiona.
It's cashew.
- Right.
- It's not cheese.
Well, we're not it's funny that, you know, we're arguing except we're in agreement.
But that's the yin and the yang of it that's so fascinating to me.
Let's argue about something we agree on.
I love that exercise.
You've illuminated wisdom in me that I didn't know I possess, so I thank you for that.
Oh, like what? I'd like to put it on my site.
Oh, absolutely.
It will drive you a lot of traffic.
- You'd be surprised.
- I'm not at all surprised.
I've seen the work that you do.
- Real work.
Real work.
- It's astonishing.
And you don't stop.
I mean, I see even into the evening, you had all of those, you know, very handsome, live, sexy men going into your gentle circle, you know, and then but, you know, the only disappointment was then you had all of them and I had the unfortunate, overweight single women That I got to work with.
And it would have been nice just to have a sampling, you know.
Perhaps there was just less interest to go to your tent.
I can't, you know, be held accountable.
Didn't seem like that was option.
I mean, it was You know, they were waiting in line.
'Cause I'm, like, a fucking black widow who, like, draws the young, live men into my yurt? Well, yeah, I mean, your yurt has that bolt.
So they come in.
Then you slide that bolt, and then I don't think they can come out.
Or once they do come out, they're so exhausted, they go straight to their own yurt.
And they're never to be seen again.
I mean, I didn't see it would've been nice, that's all.
You know, I mean, I was talking to that Baba Dass, that young man, snake-hipped, with the long black - Oh, yes, I know the one.
- Yes.
All right, well, he seemed very taken with me and interested in my work and what we could do together, and then you just sort of took him, you know? Remember that? I was talking with him.
- Baba Dass? - He came to my tent.
We always do an evening meditation together.
- Oh.
- And he said, "thank you for getting me out of the clutches of that cougar.
" - So - Cougar? Oh, so is that my sort of animal, my spirit? Apparently.
Well, that's complimentary.
And he was afraid of me.
Well, okay.
I'm a gentle cougar.
You can let him know for next time, if he's allowed.
- If he's allowed? - Well, I don't know.
Maybe you're the one who shouldn't be allowed.
Well, it seems like it's up to you whether a man is allowed to be with anyone but you.
Yes, you're like the queen bee who services all the drones, and then woe be it to them if they want to leave the honeycomb and find, you know, another flower that might be a little different.
What the fuck is wrong with you? This is not free species of loving individuals.
We are sexual beings, and if people want to go into their own tents or my tent or my yurt, so be it.
Oh, no, that's fine.
Whatever your logic needs to be, that's fine.
It was funny 'cause I was talking with Barbara.
We were sitting together, - having the lentils and the yogurt - Oh, were you? And we were just both noticing both of us were noticing sort of the predatory nature of your sexuality, how your gentle circle is more like a whirlpool that sucks people in never to be seen again.
- And she was a little concerned - Listen.
- after I brought it to her attention.
- Let me tell you something about Barbara, okay? - Okay.
- She can take her dried-up old cunt, sew it up, throw it out.
You know, I think we're getting into one of those things where peers, which I think I'm safe to say we are now, you know, on the same level I would've said that a half an hour ago.
I'm not sure now with your incredibly judgmental, puritanical views on the female form and well, yes, I mean, I didn't just, you know, declare that someone should sew up their uterus and cast it out.
You know, it's that's sort of what adolescents do.
If you had any idea about her uterus or her vagina, you would understand the deeper level of empathy that I have when I say that, but you are have a closed off Western mind, so I don't All right, so you know her vagina better than I do.
- Oh, I do.
- You win.
You know what? I don't think I'm gonna give you one red cent for this weekend.
I'm gonna take your $30,000, and I'm gonna buy myself a Rolex with it and see what the fuck you're gonna do about it! Oh, you want to see what the fuck I'm going to do about it? All right, my husband, the judge, knows a lot of lawyers, which makes sense, and I'm going to have them come after you.
- How do you like that? - Go ahead.
I'll cite you for all kinds of flagrant violations that everyone on my team witnessed, including sexual harassment - Sexual harassment? - Including You're the madame of the brothel of one.
Including bulimia behind the barn.
No, that wasn't bulimia.
That's food poisoning from the poison you serve everybody, with, "oh, it's not cheese.
It's not really meat.
"It's just soy curd that's been sitting out for a tremendously long time.
Oh, no, it's yogurt.
It's better.
" No, you can't.
We don't serve yogurt, God damn it! Yogurt is not vegan! Okay, then it was curdled God-knows-what.
For all I know, you serve dried up uteruses cut up and I don't know.
That's awful.
No, let me take that back.
That's unkind.
Why don't you not take that back? And why don't I see you in court? I'm not I'm not paying you.
I'm not giving you anything.
Don't try to fuck with me.
Do not fuck with Debbie Schnittman! _ - Jerome.
- Yeah.
I don't know what to do.
I keep getting these ridiculous bills - Yeah, New York.
- From the building in New York.
Yes, it's over this time, it's $20,000 this month.
- Crazy.
- I know.
And I and I meant for you not to have to see those.
No, but what doesn't make sense is that I shouldn't have any because Austen bought the penthouse for me and put it in my it's mine.
- He did.
It is.
- So I don't owe anything on it.
The only problem is, you have to pay the Homeowners Association dues The property taxes.
You have to pay maintenance.
That's $20,000 a month? - And more? - One of those is, yes.
You'll get charges monthly, and I can I can arrange a way for that to be automatically debited from your account if you want.
No, it absolutely cannot be automatically debited.
Well, right, 'cause I saw your account, and, um, the Web Therapy account doesn't have enough in it to have that kind of tap.
Yes, I know.
No matter how slowly or deliberately - Yeah.
- You say it - You get it.
- It's something I understand.
I'm glad, good, so you get it because I was looking through your P&L.
- You don't really have - I don't know what that means.
Well, profit and loss, and you have a lot more of the latter than you do of the former, and so I Well, I would've had more money, but one of my major investors had their stupid investment advisors - Ha, of all the luck.
- Devalue my my business.
- All right, that was such - $250,000 turned into $25,000.
- Right, and it - All right? And they said that was generous.
- So we have to sort of - Well, they're wrong.
Reallocate to make that New York apartment work.
- Well, I don't I don't know - How to do that.
Other than I don't know you just bought two Teslas.
- You know, you can certainly afford - I did.
- To pay the taxes on that.
- Oh, if only.
That's, you know, neighbors helping neighbors.
That's the kind of neighborhood you moved into.
You know, all the times that I've helped - Yeah, I get that.
- People.
And believe me, would that I could.
- Would that I could.
- Why can't you? Well, because all of our expenses have to be child-care related, and we have to So the teslas are for the child? Teslas are all have baby seats in the back, and we got to get the baby around, so Right, well, so a Kia has baby seats in the back.
I should send you the you should see a picture of the Tesla The interior and the exterior.
- Right.
- There's a giant screen - You know what? - Yeah.
This is my problem, not your problem.
You've got a little boy to raise and two women to juggle, so Ah, that's that's right.
Juggle is right.
I mean You know what I was thinking? That New York is really lovely this time of year, and if you'd like, I'm happy to offer a stay in my penthouse, you know, 'cause it's I think little Angus would have a lot of fun there.
- You know - There's I think - I hear there's a zoo.
- Oh, there is a zoo.
- There's a - There's a zoo.
- There's a museum.
- There's a museum.
- Sure, absolutely, and - Or two, and - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You know? And Central Park is fantastic.
Well, that's Yes, and Coney Island, the famous burgers and fries.
- Nathan's famous hotdogs - And maybe that which is a choking hazard and Oh, then don't take him there.
- Why would you go there, Jerome? - His teeth all But I would love to go to New York.
- That's such a great offer.
- Yeah, so feel free.
- Thank you.
- Stay at my penthouse.
It's really you've been there.
How lovely it is.
Has it all been baby-proofed? 'Cause I'd love to put bumpers around all the furniture if that's okay.
- Yes, of course, you can.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you can do that.
- I'll have someone do that.
- You can do that, yeah.
- Well, thank you, thank you.
- And enjoy yourself.
Thank you, Aunt Fiona.
- I'm trying - Who? Aunt Fiona.
I'm trying to teach - Oh, no, don't teach him that.
- Angus to call you Aunt Fiona.
- No, 'cause I'm not - So, thank you, Aunt Fiona.
- No, no, no, that's confusing.
- Ooh, shall I go get him? I'll get him, and he can thank you to your face.
Oh, wouldn't that be fun? Yeah, yeah, you can see he's all gummy, and it's cute.
- Yes, all right.
- I would love that.
- Yeah, why don't you do that? - Okay, I'll be right back.
And I'll make sure my Internet's working.
Oh, it's not.
_ Sorry I'm late.
Hi, mother.
- Hello.
- Hello, darling.
Oh, you're busy drinking like that.
So you're finished? I feel so cleansed.
Oh, is that why you're dressed that way? - To cleanse the - I am cleansing myself of Garreth.
I cannot tell you how I suffered at his hand.
Oh, really? He didn't seem the type.
He seemed so nice.
- What was wrong - Oh, he liked you too much.
I don't like that in a man.
That's why I like Kip.
Yeah, but I don't know where you are exactly.
That you just Put that out in Then drank It's part of the holy ablution.
Oh, I didn't realize.
Was that what is that drink exactly? - It's beer.
- Beer.
That's so spiritual.
Where are you exactly? Darling, I'm in my new penthouse in Philly.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that you had moved in.
I would've brought you a housewarming gift or a plant or something for you to nurture.
Kip's already done that.
He brought me a beautiful candle.
And a plant.
And some good gunja.
Ok, so you see Kip? You saw Kip? Kip comes by, a lot of the time we we dine, we drink, Sometimes we dress up in costumes.
We blow off a couple of bowls of has.
I am brimming with new ideas about how to get kip on the supreme court.
Yes? If only one of those Pennsylvania supreme court justices would die or kick over or fall ill or retire.
Right, right.
And then he could be appointed and Mm-hmm, he gave me a book That has been so satisfying.
Let me just read you a few words from it.
"Dream more.
Learn more.
Care more.
Be more.
" Oh, what's that from? The Dalai Lama or something? Oh, no, no, the Dolly Parton.
_ Oh, hello, Maya.
I owe you an apology.
I'm mortified by my behavior in our last session.
You are a wonderful, wise woman.
It was antiwoman, what I said.
It was it was terrible.
Right, the "C" word, yeah.
Oh, I I didn't mean that.
I just meant when I was talking about you and the men and the tent and anything.
Anyway, I I am very, very sorry.
You've been nothing but helpful and beautiful and wise, and you've helped me a lot.
And I did not return the favor.
And I wired your money for the last retreat, by the way.
- You should've gotten it.
- Oh, you did? - I did.
- Oh, okay.
- I did.
- I didn't check.
Yes, it's wired, and I apologize again for my Transgression.
Yes, and I was quite hotheaded.
And part of this process has been about me coming to terms with my humanity, my flaws.
And I wanted to tell you something very, very important that you have helped me with.
I am a woman who feels anger.
I said it.
- Bravo.
- And I I since I've been able to express that, I feel much better.
I just, um I ran out of the pills that you that you gave me, and I I'm a bit, you know I I've been able to come to terms with my anger because I've been feeling it so much - since I - Right, that would happen.
Those pills, they calm you down, and let the anger, uh, you know, surface to get released.
You know, I've been in a health food store.
I went to the natural pharmacy.
I mean, I've just I've taken everything that resembles it, and I'm really not getting the same - result.
- Right.
Where what - I just was wondering - These are more potent, and they're my special I'll have to get you some more - then - Okay.
Because I understand tranquility is addictive.
It is.
This is not why I called you, by the way.
I called to be accountable for my bad behavior.
- I appreciate that.
- But I really need those pills.
- I really do.
- Well, let's see.
If I get you those pills I can get them for you very easily then I need to be invited back - to the next retreat - Yes! with Sonia Sotomayor And, you know, break naan with her or - Yes.
- Yeah, okay.
No, naan we don't do.
Naan has ghee in it, and ghee is from a cow.
Uh, but popadam, yes.
Okay, that's what I meant.
How about how may I propose something? Yes, of course.
If you give me the pills Not 30 like the last time, but maybe 90 or 120 Okay.
And then every time you come and do a talk Oh, yes, of course, certainly, I'll bring them.
- You've got a deal.
- And you've got a deal.
Um, anyway, Baba, Baba Dass - Yes.
- He has expressed interest.
He asked me if you were coming back.
Oh, I thought I felt something with him.
Ah, you did, and he does such a wonderful I don't know if I told you what he does.
Oh, no, I didn't know he did anything except looked handsome.
- Yes.
No, he's The reason that I bolt the door when he comes into my tent is, he is a yoni healer.
What does that mean? I don't know what that is.
- "Yoni.
" - A yoni is the ancient Sanskrit word for a vagina.
And he is quite literally a sexual healer, in the words of Marvin Gaye.
And he will change your relationship to your femininity.
You'll see.
- Well, oh.
- Incredible, incredible.
Oh, has he expressed interest in me? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I mean, I said, "may I treat my princess, queen, friend to a treatment at my expense?" And he said, yes, of course, he would love to.
Oh, okay, for no no fee at all, probably.
I mean, he I have to pay him.
But he's gonna do it.
That's a yes.
- Okay.
- It's a yes.
It's a yes.
He would like to.
- Okay, good.
- Okay, so we have a deal.
We have a deal.
I just I it's I don't want to say it's an emergency, because my faculties and my capabilities, in terms of being able to calm my own nervous system with my meditation and all my tools, is paramount.
I mean, I am the master of my own mind, body, heart, - soul, yoni, everything.
- Right.
Oh, okay, it's a wonder you need them at all.
- Okay.
- But tonight, I'm seeing my ex-sister-in-law, and she is a real Difficult lady.
I'm not gonna give in to my She's a fucking bitch.
Okay, someone else who needs to be sewn up.
- A fucking - Okay.
I just I now that I've reached this higher state of tranquility, I just need the pills to just - You know what I mean? - Yes.
I just need the help to get to the next level.
No, I understand.
Okay, I can get those for you.
When? As soon as possible.
- Which is when? - Day after - tomorrow - No.
Today, please, Fiona, honestly.
- Later today? - Later today.
- All right, let me try.
- I'll send someone.
I'll send Baba Dass over.
Baba Dass? That could work.
- Yes.
- I'll get them.
I I appreciate you so much.
I appreciate you too, I guess, ultimately.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
May we may we end with a prayer maybe? Absolutely.
Are your eyes closed? Divine mother, we are two beautiful souls together under your luminous tu - Jerome? - Yeah.
I need more valium.
I need three refills.
- No, I need four refills - Four? Okay.
- As soon as possible.
- Okay, but when would That wasn't bulimia.
That was real food poisoning.
You can't say, "oh, it's safe 'cause it's not cheese," okay? Cashews go bad, too, if they sit in the sun and in their own oil.
And why don't I see you in court? Don't you fuck with Debbie Schnittman, okay? I won't.
Who is that? - Okay.
- She can take her dried-up old cunt, sew it up, throw it out.
Say that again.