Web Therapy (2011) s04e03 Episode Script

Trust Exercise

Previously on "Web Therapy" We bought the house next door.
Okay, well let's just think about this carefully, all right? - Okay.
- It's a big house.
- I know.
- Very big for two adults - and a baby.
- Well, three.
It's me and Hayley and Gina.
Gina's already living there.
- Jerome.
- Yeah? I don't know what to do.
I keep getting these ridiculous bills - Yeah, New York.
- From the building in New York.
It's over this time it's $20,000 this month.
- You know what I was thinking? - Mmhmm.
That New York is really lovely this time of year, and if you'd like, I'm happy to offer a stay in my penthouse, you know, 'cause it's I think little Angus would have a lot of fun there.
S04E03 Trust Exercise - Hello.
- Hello.
I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
And you are Steve Olson.
- That's right.
Steve Olson, yes.
- Yes.
Thank you for meeting with me.
Oh, my it's what I do.
That's what I hear.
I'm I'm a little nervous, so Oh, no, nothing to be nervous about.
- It's only three minutes.
- Okay.
- And, you know.
- Oh, really? Okay.
Oh, gosh, I should get going, then, huh? Yes, you should.
So what's the issue? Um, well, I mean, it's it's - it's high-class problems.
- Oh? I've recently fallen into a-a "windfall" of, uh - Cash.
- Oh.
Uh, I have, uh, won the New York State Lottery Megamillions.
- Oh, that's usually a big - Yeah, uh - It's $124 million.
- That's a lot of money.
It's a lot of money.
Just you? Or do you share the ticket? - No, just me.
- Oh.
I was obviously very excited to win that.
But I'm having panic attacks because of the amount of money.
You know, people are sort of coming out of the woodwork, and, uh, I'm not sur who I can trust anymore.
And everyone kind of kind of wants a piece.
- Right, yes.
- And I'm in the I'm in the I'm in the waters with the piranhas, so to speak.
Yes, you are.
Don't think you're not.
I've been getting these insane business proposals just sent to my doorstep.
- Oh.
- Can I do you could I show you a few of them? Well, we can get to that later.
- Yeah, later.
- I think we have - bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
- Okay, yeah.
As long as we're staying with the marine analogy - um, metaphor.
- Mm-hmm.
Bigger fish to fry piranhas.
- Right.
- But I think you've contacted the right person.
Not only am I a therapist, but I was in the world of finance.
Don't know if you know that or not.
Actually, I-I did I did know that.
- I googled you, and, uh - So you're very smart also.
Good for you.
You did your research.
You know, I noticed that you're not working - in finance anymore, and - Right.
That's something that I should not bring up or Oh, you can bring it up.
It's perfectly fine.
I have nothing to be ashamed of, you know.
Right, and you are a victim of finance, - much like myself, you know.
- Right.
So I-I definitely felt like maybe you'd be the right person to talk to me about this.
- Yes, I think I am.
- Yeah.
I think I can really help you a lot, especially the first thing, though, we need to work on - is that trust issue.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm swimming upstream - Yeah.
- So to speak, so to speak.
- We can stay with that metaphor, I guess.
Should we try forever? - Let's not.
- Okay, okay.
I was going to say just for this session, but we can stop now.
Well, let's work on something specific.
We can work on your ability to trust me, okay? So you can trust that what I tell you to do is going to be safe and okay.
- Okay.
- So turn your head to the left.
- Right now? - Yes.
And turn it back.
Very good.
- Yeah.
- Not trying to hurt you.
No, I mean I-I-I also, I hurt myself in yoga, so that did hurt a little, but nothing because of what you did.
It was just - right.
That's right.
So try to do whatever I say without questioning it.
- That's the next step, okay? - Oh, so I should All right.
Now take a sip of water.
All right, very good.
And now the other thing I think is, if you can, write a check.
- Write a check? - Write a check.
Uh And, uh, to whom? Write a check to Fiona Wallice.
It's a trust exercise.
Okay, okay.
All right.
It's spelled a little di well, you know, 'cause you Wall Wall like "lice"? Yes.
And you make it out And how am I making this out to? How much money? - Yeah, how much? - $1 million.
And in the memo line, what would I put? For services rendered.
I'm wondering how that's going to look at the tax end of the year.
Yeah, it's okay, so I've done this.
Now rip it up.
- Oh, gosh.
- You're so relieved.
- Oh, man.
- So relieved.
- Yes.
- I think that was the hardest thing that I made you do.
Yeah, that was I'm sweaty.
Yes, I won't make you pay me a million dollars.
That's outrageous.
So I'm just trying to demonstrate that you can trust me.
Fiona, I can't I can't thank you enough.
This is this is great.
This has been so help I feel like I've really reeled in the right the right person, you know.
- Fish metaphor, all right.
- There it is.
We'll figure out what that's about too or not.
Yeah, well, that'd be to tackle.
- Yeah.
- So we can tackle that later.
But, no, this is great.
I mean, obviously, you know, trusting has been an issue for me and here you are in my home - on my computer.
- Right.
I don't know how I'm going to operate with people in the real world yet, but that's to be, you know, determined later, I suppose Yes.
Well, listen, you know, I'm going to be in New York - next week - Oh.
And I know this is a little unorthodox, but I think you're special.
So I'm going to arrange for us to have lunch.
- Oh, man.
- And then I will go over all of the proposals with you.
- Would you do that? - Yes, tell you which ones to cast aside.
- Oh, man.
- "Cast aside.
" Just to get some of these off my, uh - Yes.
- Off my shoulders.
That'd be great.
Yeah, most of them will be gone.
I'll do this this week.
Baby pet perfume that one actually sounds like it might We'll look at that.
- Don't do anything yet without me.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi, Gina.
What's up, biznatch? What? I didn't understand everything.
I am so sorry to be calling you again.
Well, yeah, I'm busy.
I'm trying to get stuff done, so I am just so bored out of my skulleton.
- I'm bored.
- Oh.
- It's so boring.
- Well, then you need to find something to occupy your time.
Well, you know, I thought, you know, I'd do this home renovation, 'cause I've always wanted to do it.
- Right.
- Because, like, who doesn't want to fuck the village people? But I fucked all of them.
Oh, that's why you wanted to do it, yeah.
The construction worker, the police man, the indian, the plumber.
The indian's providing what service on the construction site? Okay, listen The thing is, is that the noise is too much.
- I agree, I agree.
- You know? - But they're prolonging it.
- Right.
Why would they rush through something when they can save money on brothels? Well, I think you're totally right.
And I mean, we've been deciding what to do with the pool, which is it's a kidney-shaped pool.
Right, like most of them are.
And we're doing it, um you know, it's like a big, giant selfie, - but of my vagina.
- Oh.
And it's like when you dive into the pool, it's like you're going to be diving into my vagina.
- Right, so - Only drier.
That's porn comedy.
That's so funny.
Well, let's I liked the original idea.
And, you know, every time you make a change, it costs more money and takes more time.
- It does.
- Every time you sleep with one of them, they need to nap afterwards before they can go to work.
Why don't you make a living for yourself? - Well - That's where I think real fulfillment comes.
- So I have to find a job? - That's right.
All right, well, and I have a job that I need to get back to.
So good luck to you, Gina.
Bye, lover.
Well, I'm not.
- Hello, Jerome.
- Hi, Dr.
- Oh, my goodness.
- That's my penthouse? Yes, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You moved everything around and Well, we did a little shift.
We had to "babify" the penthouse a little bit.
- Oh.
- Yeah, but Angus sort of dictated what he wanted in what areas, and we let him push some things aside.
- Really? - We got his playpen you had two of the same chair, so we thought it was okay if we move one of the chairs into the bedroom.
And I moved your desk out so we can have more feeding area in the living room.
He loves the living room.
- Go figure.
- Oh.
Angus is all sophisticated and likes to hang out in the living room, so - Right, I forgot - Yeah.
- About all the - The baby.
- Delicate furniture and things.
- Right.
Well, we no, don't oh, thank you for saying that.
Don't worry.
He did not hurt himself on anything.
We "babified" most of the living room furniture with foam.
We have a spray foam, which we sprayed all along the baseboards.
So it's working out great.
How does it come up, though? I mean, is it going to take the paint off? Let me check, let me see.
Hold on.
I mean, are these permanent changes you've made? Yes, it takes out it takes off a layer of paint.
It does.
It it pulls a layer of paint right off, but I'm going to have I'll have somebody come in.
I can have somebody come in.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure, my pleasure.
And speaking of people coming in, we've been doing you know, as you know, we've been doing some potty-training for Angus.
- Oh, right, except you don't.
- He's doing great.
He's started to make a little poopy face.
- Uh-huh.
- And he loves he makes that face this one.
He makes that face a lot.
And by the way, he makes that face other times too, so Right, so you rushed him and put him on the toilet.
People find that if you rush a baby to a toilet, it makes them feel anxious.
It makes them feel like what they're doing is not okay.
Well, pooping's not okay - Well, pooping is - if it's not on a toilet.
It's natural.
It's natural.
And we found that he makes poopy face a lot on your chinchilla duvet, so - In my bedroom? - Is that real fur? Chinchilla is chinchilla.
So, yes.
Okay, so we're going to take care of that.
We're going to take care of that, because he's found that as sort of his spot.
Maybe train him when he can speak.
I mean, hopefully And then you'll know exactly what he wants and but thank you, anyway.
This has worked out great.
I'm happy you're enjoying it.
- Thank you.
- Then you can come, you know, as often as you like, and, you know.
Oh, thank you.
We we found a corner in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, which is they call Little Edinburgh, and it's scottish.
It's really not a whole block.
It's like it's like two storefronts - Right.
- And this family.
But they call it Little Edinburgh, and we've got Angus playing there Right.
And sort of learning the Scottish ways.
Right, he's not scottish.
But but Austen Clarke is, and we really want him to feel what his benefactor - sort of was.
- All right, well, don't forget, you know, the other parts of his actual heritage.
Me? Sure, sure.
- You and Gina.
- We want you to be aunt Fiona, and we talk about you all the time.
I don't think I should be Aunt Fiona, though.
"Awnt" "Awnt" Fiona, do you prefer that? - No.
- I know a lot of people - like that better.
- Some do, I don't.
- He can call me Mrs.
- Bubbie I love that.
I'm not a Bubbie.
Anyway, Angus feels so at home in New York.
It's like he took to it.
So maybe you need to go there every month so he can get the most out of it.
Well, I would love that, I mean, if it was okay with you.
Oh, I have an idea that I just got.
Yeah? Why don't you cover the expenses in New York, and we can have the trust cover that.
- Why don't I email you - That's better.
this document that's called "Angus New York Manhattan Expenses"? - Thank you, thank you.
- Yeah.
Because everything does have to be - an Angus-related expense.
- Right.
- And this would be - well, this one's called You got it.
Did you get it? Do you see? - "Angus Manhattan Expenses.
" - Oh, you did it already.
In that case, I would love to start using the apartment right away, but if you need to use it, if it's okay, you can give it a couple of weeks.
- Oh? - The suede wallpaper in the guest bathroom that unfortunately was white, and Angus likes to play with his own "defeca.
" He he mushes it, and he is it called "defeca"? Well, that's what our our potty-training specialist - Oh.
- The potty-whisperer calls it.
- I call it "feces.
" - Feces, yeah, well, we're cleaning it up, so you're going to want to either wait and - Till it's replaced.
- Yeah, and light a candle It's expen Always.
- Hello, Fiona.
- Hello, Steve.
How are you? I'm fine.
You don't seem to be doing as well.
I'm not doing very good at all today.
Thank you for asking.
Aren't you a cunning one? - I? - Aren't you a clever little fox? - I - A sly little shark.
Well, I really don't know what you're talking about.
- We had a lovely lunch.
- Oh, yeah.
No, it was great.
- Took you through exercises - Yeah.
- Which you did beautifully - Oh, I did all the exercises.
- Sure.
- Sending portions back.
I didn't think the mango chutney was watery, but I sent it back anyways.
Say it's watery.
Say the mango chutney's watery.
I did that.
I tried bone marrow.
I paid the bill without looking at the credit card receipt.
- I-I did all these things.
- Yes.
- I felt fantastic, Fiona.
- That's great.
I felt empowered.
I felt wonderful.
And then and then I come home, and I open up the envelope that you said, "do not open.
"Do not open the sealed envelope - until you come home.
" - Right.
And I'm very excited.
"Well, what new task have you sent me off to?" - Yes.
- What is this? That's a web therapy proposal - That's exactly what it is.
- To invest in.
- That's exactly what it is.
- Why would with a little "sign here" stickie.
- Yes, why would that anger you? - "Initial here.
" Becau you don't understand.
This is exactly what I've been bombarded with, and then you throw it at me.
You this I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.
But I helped you so much with the other proposals.
I threw out all of them - All of them.
- Because they were all stupid.
Well, that one, I'm sort of looking at.
- But all of the other ones - The dogperfume one? - I don't think it's a good idea.
- I don't agree with you.
Anyway, I'm still not clear on why you're angry after I helped you so much.
And then I sent you this last last task.
I know.
No, you know This was a task? Yes, it was a test.
Of course it was a test.
Oh, my gosh.
You got me.
I was - I am so sorry.
- I'm not really going to - Oh.
- Solicit web therapy however beneficial to the world it may be - or an excellent investment.
- You got me.
- No, I wouldn't - No.
- Do that.
- And I knew I knew see, and I knew that you wouldn't, and I was like, "don't be crazy.
" No, if you don't want to invest in it, - then of course don't.
- No, of course - Well, that's - If you don't want to.
- I don't.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Then don't.
No, but that that you got me.
And you'll invest in the perfume loser.
Well, yet to be determined, but, yeah.
Well, good.
All right, so I'm so glad that we're okay.
This is great.
No, we're fine.
And I'm here whenever you need me.
Oh, thank you.
I'm going to go and take care of other people.
And I do appreciate all the work you've done for me.
But I'm better now, and I think that, you know, I've really learned - how to stand up for myself - Yes.
And also, I need to start looking at these things on my own.
You know, you helped me greatly, - but, you know, I need to - Good.
Like, there's this bookstore Internet cafe Counseling Skype thing What? - That I want to look at.
- You said that very quickly.
- There's this toe workout.
- Wait.
What was that other one? You said it very quickly.
The toe workout? No.
That's silly.
The what did you say? An Internet cafe book what? Yes, the Counseling Skype Center.
- Counseling? - Yeah, it's a - Therapy counseling? - Nah, it doesn't look good.
Yeah, it's like a therapist.
It's like you go into a cafe, an Internet cafe, and you can meet with someone on a computer and do counseling.
It seems kind of out there for me, but Well, I don't know.
It seems who who sent that one to you? - It's a Starbucks - What? And Barnes & Noble Partnership.
But those are two very successful organizations.
- Don't I know it? - And they're going to get together to provide therapy in a cafe setting? You know, you sit down, and you go into, like, a little voting booth-type thing, - and you have a bagel and - It feels private.
That's wonderful.
And they'll have baked goods? - Yeah.
- Maybe more than just bagels.
Yeah, I mean, the idea sounds great, but, you know, it's all very it's very grassroots at this point.
- You know what I mean.
- I do.
No, it sounds wonderful.
Well, this is something they don't even have a therapist on board yet.
It just seems like they really don't know what they're doing with this at this point, so Mm-hmm.
I have to say I think that Starbucks and Barnes & Noble are people that you want to be in business with because they're very successful, and I personally would invest in this.
In fact, I personally am going to invest in this, if you don't mind sending it along to me.
- How much are they asking for? - They're-they're asking for I mean, it it's a lot.
It's a $2 million block - Oh.
- For each you know, so - That is a lot.
- It's a lot of money.
- And it's it's - Well, not for you, it's not.
Well, no, no.
And I look, you know, I'll put my money where my mouth is, okay? - I will invest $50,000.
- Oh, wow.
And you can invest the $1.
95 million, and we can be equal partners in this.
Right, and how and so that would and and we would just make all these decisions togeth Well, that that actually is it sounds intriguing.
Very exciting.
I'll write you a check.
I'll write you a check right now.
Oh, you actually, it needs to be a it needs to be a cashier's check.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's something that the banks are now doing.
I mean, you must know.
I mean, it's that whole standard investment policy it's policy number 14.
- Really? Oh, that's new.
- Yeah, the new policy.
See, I haven't been in this in a while, I'm embarrassed to say.
Yeah, it's all changed.
A whole turnover thing.
Maybe it's a New York thing too.
It's a New York thing, and it is just in new 'cause it's not happening in Philadelphia.
No, it's it's just New York.
New York and, I think, like, Wisconsin, but it's it's it's policy 14.
It's been on all the yeah.
All right, so a cashier's check to? Yes, and you're going to make it out to well, I actually set up the trust like you had suggested, so, yeah.
Oh, very good.
What's it called? It's it's called Capital Asset Security Holdings.
That's a long name.
Yeah, yeah, so you you could just abbreviate it.
Just the initials are all right? - Yeah, that's fine.
- Okay.
- Capital Assets Security - Holding.
- Holding, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
That says "cash.
" Did you think that through? - You know, I-I saw that.
- Anyone can I-I'm probably going to end up changing it.
You change it now.
I can't I'm not sending you a cashier's check for cash.
Well, I-I actually I-I understand.
Well, I have another trust as well that I set up.
- Oh, okay, very smart.
- Well, yeah.
Two, so you can have your assets scattered.
- That's very smart.
- Exactly.
Okay, what's this one called? So that one you can make it out to Joe Drake.
Okay, who's that? You know, it was just something fu I-I like ducks, and so - Oh, Drake is a duck.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's funny.
- Isn't that fun? Part of the aquatic theme that you love so well.
I do.
I do.
I love it.
- Joe "everyman's name.
" - And every like a-a, you know, the the plumber Joe, and yeah.
- Joe the plumber.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
You must be Jeb Masters.
- I am.
- I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
- It's lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you as well.
Look at your view.
You're in Manhattan, so am I.
Thank you.
Yeah, downtown.
So am I.
I'm in a penthouse uptown, yeah.
- Oh, that's impressive.
- Yes.
I guess I should just get right to the point.
- Yeah.
- I'm having some trouble - with the woman in my life - Oh.
And my job.
They're not they're not compatible? Going together.
What is it? It's too much time away from her No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Because you're ambitious.
- No, we met through my job.
- It's just that she's - Obviously, you do very well.
- Uh, yeah.
- And she must, you know, enjoy the creature comforts you provide.
No, no, no.
Yes, that part of it What would she like for you to do - quit and live as a pauper? - No, I certainly can't do that.
- Right.
- I'm good at it.
It's kind of the only thing I'm good at.
- Right, oh - Well, I mean, I can cook.
- Uh-huh.
- I can paint.
- But everyone can do that.
- Oh, well, not really.
- No, it's super easy, but - Can I ask what your job is? - Maybe I could understand? - I uh, yeah.
It's, um you know, it's sort of it's tangentially related to the service industry.
Mostly I'm a voice actor.
- Is she an actress? - No.
- Oh, that's good, yeah.
- No, but she was a client.
And what I do specifically, what I do I run a company called Absolute Last Call.
And it's probably what you're thinking, which is a intimate erotic conversations with, um, older geriatric elderly women.
That's not at all what I thought it was.
Just women.
I don't I don't do men.
That's a different guy, who's a lovely guy no judgment.
There is someone who does that? - Steve.
- Ooh.
I've known him for years.
Don't get me wrong.
It's just not my thing.
And I'm not good at it.
I'm good at this.
- I'm good at what I do.
- Right.
And I'm physically invested in it.
I get, for want of a better word, aroused.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Could I just I'm curious of the kind of things that an elderly woman would want to hear.
You can talk about maybe movie stars from the '20s.
- You can talk about, uh - That's 90 years ago.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, right.
- Yeah, I mean, you can talk about, you know, coming home from the war.
You can talk about, uh, you know - Which war? - specifically exactly.
- The civil war? - And then you can move into, like, the modern, the now.
"Let me get that walker for you.
" "What if I open that door?" You know? Oh, and that's what they want to hear? Are you hungry? It's 4:00.
Let's go get some dinner.
- You know what I'm saying? - Right.
It can get real specific once you get into the now, because that's the person you're talking to.
You're trying to stimulate the young woman, but you're talking to the older woman.
- What? Is it raunchy or - It can be.
- It's phone sex? - It can be.
You're a rare commodity.
- I enjoy it.
- Right.
It's something I-I-I look forward to, in fact.
Is it is it, though, really? Because now I'm wondering perhaps you do have an issue with the fact that your girlfriend doesn't like your work.
But is it that your girlfriend is 100 years old, and you don't like your girlfriend? 'Cause you're a somewhat attractive man, you know? - That's kind of you to say.
- Well And, um, I just wonder if that's not the issue.
I mean Well, I mean, no, my girlfriend is, uh, older than me.
- Well, yes.
- Uh, she's she's in her 70s Uh, and funny and fun and, uh - bright and smart.
- And old.
And I think I think the sticking point is that she doesn't want to share me anymore.
Oh, you think that's what it is? Not physically, but even emotionally, aurally, - uh, in - Verbally.
- Verbally.
- Aurally, right.
- Well, aurally, to hear.
- Right, right, okay.
Um, it's it's I'm just trying to keep down my lunch.
- Oh, well, honestly - I'm sorry.
- That was unkind and insensitive.
- Well, but I do understand.
A lot of people don't understand it.
Yeah, I'm having trouble, I have to say.
I'm telling you, if you could see us together, you would totally get it.
Okay, you know what? I want to help you.
I'm going to take you on.
You didn't know this was sort of an audition to see - if I can help you or I can't.
- I honestly didn't.
But I think I can help you, and I'd like to try.
Thank you, um, so I'd love to figure out a time - where we can set a regular - Okay.
a regular situation.
Hold on.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
- No problem.
- I'm so sorry.
- I have to take this.
- Do you mind if I watch? Please do, please do, yes.
And then I'll know and maybe understand what you do.
Please do.
Agatha? Well, yes.
How are you, my dear? And what was it? Applesauce.
That's impressive.
Did you eat the whole thing? And what are we wearing? Well, let me just tell you and I know you don't have a lot of time but if I was there right now that pink housecoat would not be on.
It would be off under the bed.
I'd take your wig off.
And I think you remember what we'd do.
Okay? So why don't you think about that? Are you wet? Was it an accident? Okay.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I'll just I'll bill I'll bill Jeremy.
Good night, sweetheart.
- Sorry.
I had to - That's all right.
Yeah, like I said, this is kind of rush hour for me, so Right.
Did she have an accident? - Was it an accident? - Oh, no.
- Oh.
- It was on purpose.
No, yeah, you do - you do have a very sexy voice.
- It is what I do - Again.
- I started to get, like, "Oh, I get it.
" You know, and then you said, "housecoat," and I remembered who you were talking to.
Oh, well, thank you.
Hold on, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- No problem.
- It's a text.
I was supposed to, um I was supposed to go on a date - Tomorrow.
- Oh, the girlfriend.
And, uh, we were supposed to go out tomorrow night.
- Uh - But she died? to a concert.
No, no, no.
- Well.
- And see Barry Manilow, - who is one of her favorites.
- Yes, oh.
And, uh, she just canceled on it, and I don't know if that has to do with this or if that has to do with something else So you have a free ticket.
- Well, I do, I guess.
- Yeah, I love Barry Manilow.
I'll probably just not go, but No, I love him.
- Well, uh - I'm a little young for you.
I don't want you to be embarrassed to be seen with me.
Well, no, it certainly wouldn't be that.
It would be completely platonic, obviously, but if you'd like - I just heard that, "well" - to go Yes, well, thank you.
I would.
If you could just hold on for How do I have a fly here? I think I have, uh, the same one in my house.
You're kind of in that weird spot, like you're not young enough to be, like, attractive in that way.
And you're definitely not old enough, so you're, like, in that weird middle place - Uh-huh.
- Uh, that doesn't really And I know you don't have a lot of time, but if I was there right now that pink housecoat would not be on.
It would be off under the bed.
I'd take your wig off.