Web Therapy (2011) s04e05 Episode Script

In Angus We Trust

Previously on "Web Therapy" Well, Hayley is is actually in Bali right now.
She said she's looking for a preschool, and she really believes that Angus needs to travel, so she's doing all the traveling first.
- Oh, I have an idea that I just got.
- Yeah? Why don't you cover the expenses in New York, and we can have the trust cover that.
I guess Marnie was was right about Marnie Westport? You're friends with Marnie Westport? Because Senator Westport is on the judiciary committee, and so I was trying to arrange a little intimate dinner party.
S04E05 In Angus We Trust There she is! Party girl.
Hi, Grace.
How are you feeling? Well, I recovered.
Thank you.
- I hope so.
- That was an interesting night.
I would have to say I was disappointed not to meet Marnie, that she didn't show up or anybody else.
I think the two of us were too much fun to handle.
But still, you didn't seem disappointed that no one showed up for your bunco night.
People had, uh, last-minute colds, so but we had fun.
Whoo! But, you know, it's funny.
There's a lot that I don't remember.
I mean, I have bruises to prove that I was there.
I guess I don't know what I was up to.
They're in interesting, intimate places.
- Oh, yeah.
- But I don't remember anything.
Well, I took you home.
I took care of my best friend, my buddy.
But I didn't drink that much.
I don't know how they must the drinks must have been deceptively strong.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah.
What did I what was the compliment? Well, I know how to make the drinks so that you don't even know how much fun you want to have until you're having it, and you've already forgotten about it.
You were worse than most, I have to say.
- Thank you.
- But I took you home, and I made sure that you, you know, stumbled to the couch.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I can't wait to do it again.
I'll bring my own drinks, I think, next time.
That's so funny.
I have a jacket just like that and the necklace.
I have that too.
How funny.
You don't remember? What? You gave this to me.
I-I gave that to you? You said you wanted us to be best friends, and you gave me this jacket.
And then you held my hand.
I held your hand? I touched you? That doesn't sound like me.
Well, do you remember this? - That's my hair.
- Yes.
'Cause it's not here.
No, it's right here.
How did that happen? I don't know.
It was a crazy, crazy night.
Two blondes having a ball.
One blonde having a ball.
You don't well, now you have blonde hair.
You have a bit of it.
Why would I ask you to cut my hair? Well, you wouldn't be blood brothers with me.
I was like, "oh, prick your finger," and you were like, "no.
" So I just got, you know, I'm gonna have it's something to remember our night by.
You took a scissors to my head.
Yes, yes.
You drugged me, and you took a scissors to my head.
Spring break, y'all.
You tricked me into coming to your house - to meet Marnie, all right? - No.
And then no one was there.
You drugged me.
And then you stole my clothes, and you cut my hair.
And you - you gave this to me.
I would never give this to you.
The only reason I even wanted to walk into your home was so that I could meet Marnie.
What? Well, yes.
What about everything we shared? I don't know.
I didn't participate in it.
I wasn't conscious for what we shared.
Whether you were conscious or not, we laughed, and we cried, and we danced, and we shared a pint of chunky monkey.
I don't know what that is.
But I promise you I would never eat it.
Well, you ate it with me.
Well, then, that happened, and that's over, and it will never happen again.
That I can promise you.
Well, I can promise you you're never gonna meet Marnie because she hates me.
So ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You're not friends after all? No, I mean, I am friends with her, but she's not friends with me.
Surprise, surprise.
What did you steal from her, her little finger? This is outrageous.
Okay, fine then.
I'm not gonna read you your mail, and you have jury duty Why do you have my mail? And I'm won't be telling you when, okay? Why do you have my mail? So good-bye.
What? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Hi, Dr.
- Hi, Jerome.
Listen, we have a big problem, all right? - Oh? - I just heard from, you know, the homeowners' association at my penthouse in New York, and they haven't received the check from the trust, so they're threatening to evict me.
Oh, yeah.
We came when we came back to Philly, um, I thought that you got did you get my email? - I sent you a bunch of emails about - I don't read your emails.
The fact that we're not gonna be paying for the penthouse apartment.
We won't be needing it, so thank you.
- What? - I thought I told you.
- I'm sorry.
- No, you didn't tell me.
I would've made other arrangements.
- Right.
- We had a deal.
You signed papers.
Oh, yeah, but, you know, we only wound up staying that one night at the penthouse.
We wound up moving over to the Plaza, which I highly recommend.
Oh, really, it's more poopable bedcovers? Well, it's very spacious.
It's palatial, really.
I think some of the presidents have stayed there.
- Okay, I don't care.
- Kennedys and the and they've got free breakfast every morning, - room service - Oh.
And Gina found it more comfortable.
What? She thought the apartment was a little beige, and she kept trying to call room service, and she kept going downstairs to Franco, who, you know, he did the best he could, - but he's not a great cook.
- Right.
So thank you for the offer.
It was so, so generous of you, but we're gonna be really happy at that Palatial suite.
Oh, thank God you're gonna be happy at the Palatial suite.
- Yes.
- I've got news for you.
I'm gonna go through every square inch of that penthouse, and anything that is the least bit damaged, - I am billing you for.
- Absolutely.
- You make a punch list - I will.
And you send it to me, - and I'll take care of all of it.
- I will.
One thing you won't have to put on it, though, is that chinchilla duvet cover.
- All right.
- I got you a better one.
I got you a slightly younger fur.
- It's bottle-fed.
- Okay.
Oh, here he is.
Hi, Angus.
Angy, come here.
- Say hi to say hi to Bubbe.
- Oh.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Ewan Clarke.
Ewan Clarke, yes.
Austen's brother, Ewan Clarke.
Oh, my goodness! Yes, I'm the executor.
I'm taking care of all the sales and the distributing the trust and the you know - Oh.
- All that stuff.
I'm calling to let you know that Austen did leave a trust.
Oh, for me? For Fiona Wallice? - No, no.
- W-a-l-l-i-c-e.
Well, it affects you.
I mean, I wanted to make sure that let's, uh, yeah.
- Jerome Sokoloff.
- Oh.
I wanted to make sure that Jerome Sokoloff - actually works for you.
- Yes, he does.
So this is still about the Angus trust, and okay.
Right, right, because it specifies in the trust that Jerome has to have a job.
Yeah, so Jerome does work for me.
- Right, right, good.
- He does.
Now, if it helps you at all, maybe, you know, the checks could be written right to me, and then I could pay him just so that Oh, yeah.
Well, that's not a bad it's not a terrible idea.
I'm happy to help, you know? How much how much should he should he get? Um, I pay him $5,000 a week.
He's very valuable.
What does what does he do? Well, he's, um he's my associate.
I'm, um - $5,000 a week.
- Mm-hmm.
And what do you what do you do? Oh, um, well, I'm the creator and inventor of a new modality for mental health.
Ah, and that costs $5,000 a week? Well, that's what he is meant to get paid, you know? Right.
Oh, so $5,000 a week from the trust to you to give to him? Right.
Yeah, just happy to help, you know? - Yeah, no, I'm sure.
- Oh, I should ask.
Have you heard from, um, Austen? Have you Yes, yes, he's, uh he's very happy helping, um, africans.
- Uh-huh.
- You know what, do ever see these photographs of, um, celebrities and movie stars, and they go to Africa, and they get - they look very concerned? - Right.
I think he's doing a lot of that.
I think he's looking very concerned.
Well, I think it's insane, if you ask me.
I think it's thank you, thank you.
I think it's insane, and it's nice to hear the word used correctly from a from someone who's A mental health professional, yes.
A health professional, yes, insane.
Because if you go to Africa and give away all your money and go to Africa, what's gonna happen? There's another poor person in Africa, and that's not helping them at all because they've got enough poor people.
They don't need another one.
I know, that's why I'm saying I think, you know, a litt he a little screw was loose.
Well, it's always been that way in the family, you know? When he was younger, he had a real tendency towards crazy play.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Yeah, when he was a kid, he had, you know he had imaginary friends who were actually real.
Oh, I what do you mean? Well, they were he imagined them, but they were real.
Like, Mrs.
Henderson who lived next door, he would say, "oh, this is my imaginary friend, - Mrs.
" - Oh.
And Mrs.
Henderson would be like, "I'm real.
" Right.
Oh, speaking of the dead - Yes? - Is Filomena still alive? I don't know.
'Cause she was very old when I met her - She was very old.
- And I know she was the other sort of recipient of Austen's generosity.
Yes, yes, and Austen and Filomena - had a special relationship.
- Uhhuh.
What I mean is, although she was hired as a nanny, Filomena, it kind of devolved into a wet nurse situation.
- Yes.
- Really? Well, not for me.
I didn't get any.
Maybe you're the luckier for it.
Well, I was, you know, I'd get some crackers and cheese.
No, I had to spend time with her 'cause she was important to Austen, and so I had to Oh, and did you enjoy her company? Well, no.
I mean, she was so dreary.
And then, you know, she didn't smell very good.
Thank you for saying that.
It so refreshing to hear the truth 'cause people lie about old people.
To be honest, I don't care for the smell of vitamins and wee-wee, thank you.
Yes, I couldn't agree with you more.
It's so funny, I feel like I have more in common with you than I ever did with Austen, and we were, of course, very close.
And I feel I feel that it's been a long time since I talked to a woman who was like a woman.
Oh, are you not married or I yeah, oh, I am.
Well, you've heard this thing before, I'm sure, you know, this kind of thing.
I we're having a few a few problems.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's not fair.
She has irritable bowel syndrome.
- Oh.
- And Well, that's not what you signed up for.
- Well, no.
- You know? You know, it's very difficult to summon, you know, carnal urges when these noises are around, you know? Right.
No, you need the music of love, not the music of - Yes.
Not the trumpets of - the G.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I wish there was some way I could help you.
You know, I you know, I thought, well, the way out of this situation is to have, you know, do it the French way, you know, the French way.
Oh, and have a sort of consort on the side.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Well, you'll have to escape to New York for a weekend, and then I could introduce you to some lovely women, you know? Are you in New York? I mean, right now, I'm in Philadelphia, but I have a place in New York.
It's a penthouse.
That's the that's the one at the top.
Yes, it is.
It's the one that Austen gave to me as a gift, which now I have to pay for.
Yes, that's right, yeah.
So it's sort of a gift, then sort of a happy burden, shall we say.
Yeah, that's Austen a little bit.
You know, I just feel bad for you.
I mean, Austen goes off to fulfill his life's dream and then sticks you with having to deal with I have to look after it all.
A stranger baby that you're not even related to and Right.
You know, he didn't really think about his own family, who then has to do all the work for virtually nothing.
Can I can I ask you a question? Where does charity begin? Charity begins at At yourself.
- Right.
- Right? Charity begins at yourself.
And the people that you love.
- Yes.
- You know, and Home, charity begins at home.
Oh, yes, that's a saying.
I think it is.
I think it's in the Bible.
"Charity begins at home.
" That's right.
Said Mo that's what Moses said.
He came down and said, "God told me where charity begins, "and it's at home.
- So everybody go home.
" - Really? That doesn't sound like one of the ten.
It wasn't one of the ten.
It was an extra one, I think, or just there was I thought it was mostly, like, don't murder and don't like, the basics.
Don't murder.
don't steal.
Don't, you know, "I'm jealous, so don't like any other anyone but me," you know? Yeah, there was that, but there was the there's An apple a day.
Well, to be honest, I don't know if that's entirely, you know, strict doctrine.
- Right.
- I'm kind of I'm not a big churchgoer.
I'm not that you know, I'm not a do I'm not a do-gooder.
I like to do good, but I'm not a do-gooder.
- Right.
- You know, not like Austen.
No, the do-gooders, I think, are phony-baloneys.
Do-gooders, phony-baloneys.
Do good, and keep quiet about it that's me.
Right, right.
That's exactly right.
Well, you know what you should do? You should come to New York, - and don't tell your wife.
- Okay.
Do some good, and don't talk about it.
I think we'd have a lot more fun in person.
Hello, Grace.
Hi, Fiona.
Oh, it's good to see you.
You look wonderful.
Very fun.
Are you having a costume party, or Do you have a new best friend? Maybe a mob wife? Anyway, I just wanted to call and apologize and explain that, you know, the things I said to you that, you know, that you're an insane person and extremely manipulative, and of course you don't have any friends, and, you know, I may have said you're an idiot.
But that's not fair of me, all right, but I was Also, you said I drugged you and also that you didn't want to do the things that you did, - which you did do.
- Right.
You know, that came out of my hurt feelings.
You know, so I just of course I want to be friends with you.
I miss you, is what I've come to realize.
Better, that looks better.
Anyway, I miss I miss you, and, you know, we're best friends, and I'd like us to remain as such.
It's not because you found out that I'm not with my husband, and I'm with Marnie's husband? No, it's not.
It's not because you saw him moving in yesterday and give me a balloon and flowers and a rabbit? Of course I saw the moving van, but and I, you know, him, and yes, I saw all of it, and the, you know Rabbits? The rabbit, and the sex act on the lawn, but I don't want to jump to conclusions, though.
Oh, that's how wonderful that you have a new love in your life, a senator.
You know, I-I miss you.
I miss you, and I think Kip would love to get together with you and your new boyfriend, Senator Westport of the judiciary.
Mm, my boyfriend doesn't like your husband because he's kind of homophobic.
Homopho but Kip is not gay currently.
Well, I'm sure I could charm him, and most people get charmed.
I'm having a party, and I got to go.
Okay, but I just thought, you know, maybe, you know, at some point, we can get together and play "bunkers" or, you know, "bunker" night or you know, "guesstuary.
" What was that game? It sounded so fun.
You were pretending to be me, and, you know, the "guesster"? Yeah, we're playing celebrity, which is, like, a really cool game.
Celebrity? And we have these new couple friends, and the girl is really cute and really nice, and she's not a hooker, even though she looks like one.
Are you coming? - Is that Jerome? - Hey, I'm almost there.
We already have all of our clues.
Are you cheating on the computer? No.
Oh, Dr.
Wallice, are you coming over for celebrity? - Oh.
- She can't.
- She can't? - She can't.
Oh, that's okay.
Well, maybe some other time, right? - Some other time.
- Gina! Gina, it's Dr.
Come over and say hi.
Hi, guys.
Come on, Grace, let's dance a sandwich.
Ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh! Sorry you can't come.
Next time, though, next time.
Yeah, I'm sorry to miss seeing all of this.
I can't even taste the alcohol, I swear to you.
This is going right to my head.
It's good, right? - Oh.
- Fiona.
Hayley, you're back.
I'm back.
That's It's great to see you.
- Yes, and there you are.
- Yeah.
So what to what do I owe this? So I'm back because I want to really focus on my relationship with Jerome.
I feel like I haven't I haven't done the work that I need to do to make it the best version of a marriage, and Right, well, it sounds like you cheated on him a lot when you were in New York, and, you know, now you're traveling all over.
That's true.
You can't really work on a relationship if you're not there.
Right, exactly.
So we've both had our deep, dark mistakes, and, you know, I think this is our time to really figure out the best way to be in each other's lives.
You know, I just really wanted to talk to you.
Oh, I was wondering how I figured into any of this.
Yeah, well, you're so important to me, to Jerome, to us, um, and I feel like there's some there's some things that we need to clear up, moving forward, and I and I feel like maybe we have had some misunderstandings about each other.
Really, misunderstanding? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I Do you want me just to be honest, then? Yeah, please.
I love honesty.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
I think that you've been really intrusive and destructive telling Jerome, "oh, you don't get paid enough.
"Oh, the health insurance package isn't enough.
- Oh, we need vacations.
" - Wait, wait, wait.
I never - I never told him to say that.
- What? I told him he's lucky to have a job and to shut his mouth.
- What? - He told you I said that? - What am I, stupid? - I thought you were stupid.
I mean, I did, in fact, think that you were stupid.
Well, you know, I tried my best.
I tried my best with you as your assistant.
- No, I never saw you.
- Oh, my God.
As my assistant, you were nowhere to be seen.
I didn't get any messages.
I didn't get any response from you.
You were invisible.
Jerome told me you wanted that.
He said you wanted a gatekeeper because you didn't want to be bothered, so not to give you any of your emails or answer any of your calls.
You know, and then the horrible things you were putting in the musical about me.
Jerome really encouraged me to to call you fat.
- I'm sorry I called you fat.
- Right.
Were you not fat as a kid? No, not the whole time.
I mean, everyone has a period, and then, you know - Sure.
- Out and up - and not since birth.
- Sure.
- I mean, not the whole time.
- Right.
Well, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my place to, um to to do that.
Well, you were trusting your husband.
So so I'm guessing you didn't even say that I was stupid for joining the quorum? Oh, well, no, I did.
I think I did.
- Oh.
- You know what's funny? When I first met you, I thought, "well, here's a sane, beautiful, wonderful person.
What on earth is she doing with Jerome?" Yeah, you know, I-I thought the same thing when I met Jerome.
I thought I could do way better than this.
- Right.
- But, you know, I panicked.
I panicked.
I was 30.
And I thought, you know, I can control him.
- I got this.
- Right, that's what I figured.
You thought, "well, he's someone I can control, and now and manage.
" I was wrong.
I was wrong about that.
Yeah, he's not we've been managed.
But you know what? That's the end of that.
That's never happening again because you and I are gonna talk.
We're gonna talk now.
There's nothing that can get past us.
No, absolutely.
We've got to be a united front, so we can make sure, you know, that his lies aren't being put into play anywhere.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Like sisters.
Like sisters.
Okay, hopefully a better sister than the one I already have.
No, the sister that you want, not the sister you have.
Someone on my side, and I can be on your side.
- Yes, yes.
- Okay.
And we can tell each other everything.
- Yeah.
- I would love that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I would love that.
You look troubled.
What's wrong? - So between us - Right, yeah.
Of course, I was in Bali, and I was having a marvelous time.
I was on my own.
I was reading Eat, Pray, Love.
Oh, and then things happened in Bali in that book.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right.
All my senses were awake, and, uh, I met some local people.
And they invited me to the village, and we just had a wild night.
It was just, um, a blur, really.
Oh, there were drugs? Is that drugs? There might have been something in the pig.
- Yeah, now that you mention it.
- Right.
Anyway, I met this wonderful family, these brothers.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wayan, Komang, Ahn.
And I don't I don't know what happened.
It was it was it was a very wonderfully romantic night, - and I'm pregnant.
- Oh.
So it's not Jerome's.
Well, no, it's one of those names.
- Probably.
- Those other names.
- Or someone else.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, so - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I Go back to - No, I'm never going back there, - I don't think.
Oh, good.
No, don't.
I don't think that I'm welcome back there, but I do think that Jerome should not know that it's somebody else's baby.
He should think it's his.
Oh, how, I wonder, um Yeah, the math? Yes, I mean, I don't know how have you I mean, is it possible that Jerome could think - that it's his? - Yes, sure.
Oh, you've actually been together? Sure, I've uh, no, but I plan on it tonight.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, probably ticktock, huh? Yeah, I'm gonna get on that.
So, you know, when the baby is born, it's gonna be premature and big.
- Big? Yeah.
- Big.
Luckily, Jerome wants to believe - what he wants to believe - Yeah.
So hopefully he wants you to have his child.
Yes, exactly.
And he did want that once upon a time, I remember.
- He did, he did.
- Remember, with the surrogate? So wishes don't always come on your schedule.
That's right.
Oh, that's a good thing to say to him.
Yeah, okay.
But it's great, and I think- I think we can endure it.
That's good.
You know what, it'll make you more entrenched.
- You'll be one of the mothers.
- Yes, yes.
Right? And then you'll have a bigger say.
Can I ask you, what are they building now? There's still construction.
What are they doing? - Can you make it stop? - Yeah.
Yes, the construction no, I can't make it stop because Angus is building a stable complex.
- Like, stables - Oh, Angus is building? Yeah, for Angus.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah, it's crazy.
Stables and horses and maybe a petting zoo.
And then, also, Angus just closed escrow on the house on the other side of you.
Wait, so I'm here, you're here, stables, and then something on the other side? - Yes.
- I'm surrounded? Yes.
How do we make that stop? Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's okay.
It's okay because I'm gonna be running the stables, and I'm gonna be living in the house next door, - so it's fine.
- Oh.
It came to me in a meditation in Bali, so it has to happen.
Do you ride? This is just a speed bump, and without speed bumps, we can't fly.
So we're gonna fly later.
Okay, wait.
- What? - Are you drunk? Yeah, you'll know I'm looking at you when I - Look at me.
- address you.
All right, much like life then.