Web Therapy (2011) s04e06 Episode Script

Charity Galore

Previously on "Web Therapy" Hello, Ewan Clark.
Ewan Clark, yes.
Austen's brother, Ewan Clark.
Oh, my goodness.
Yes.
I'm the executor.
I'm taking care of all the sales and the distributing the trust and the, you know.
Can I ask you, what are they building now? There's still construction.
What are they doing? Angus is building a stable complex, like, stables.
Oh, how do we make that stop? Oh, no, no, no.
It's okay.
It's okay because I'm gonna be running the stables.
And I'm gonna be living in the house next door.
I we're we're being, we're in the Witness Protection.
We're is Robin going in with you? Well, of course.
Of course.
And so we're going to be going someplace that we're not supposed to say.
Okay, so don't say it.
S04E06 Charity Galore Right, well aren't you the one in aren't you the contractor in charge of the job next door to me, the Sokoloff job? Okay, yes.
I do have the right person.
Thank you, Jamie.
Well, just so you know that it's very disruptive.
All right? The noise is impossible.
And the catcalls and the whistling, it's really insulting.
Well, yes, it's to me.
I'm just right next door.
Yes.
Is that you in the? Okay, hello.
Yes.
See? Of course, I can hear.
Oh, well then to who? Oh.
No, she is attractive.
Fiona.
Oh, my goodness.
It said Jacques Camos, and that's who Jacques Camos.
- Jacques Camos.
- That's my name.
I'm still in the witness protection program.
Yes.
Good oh, good.
Still.
I'm living in Yes, right, right.
together with - Betsy.
- Betsy.
Jacques and Betsy.
- And you have a baby, do you not? - Yeah, we do.
You do.
Okay.
We do.
Tyrone.
Oh, the you named the baby Tyrone? Well, Betsy named the baby Tyrone.
Right.
After someone she has feelings for.
I don't know that there were feelings.
Okay, no.
Probably not.
Oh, nice.
Okay.
Wonderful.
She she fucked him once.
Okay.
Yes.
You look fantastic.
- Look at you.
- Thank you, you - look at you.
- Look different.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I I'm in hiding.
What are you meant to be? Well, I'm I I'm - I'm a part of a motorcycle gang.
- Oh.
- And it is, I-I, they love me.
- Really? And I love them.
There it's been fantastic.
We, we kind of, we love to terrorize people.
- Oh.
- And it's fun.
- Really? - Surprisingly.
We'll close down a bridge or circle a farm.
Uh huh.
Or or, you know, trap students in a high school.
- Surround them and trap them.
- Oh.
Well, you have to be careful, though.
You don't to bring attention to yourself, right? No, but I've got a helmet on.
Okay, so no one can know.
- So no one can see me.
- Right.
- Hey, show me your tits.
- What? Show me your tits.
No.
Yeah.
That's how bikers say hi.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
So, "show me your tits.
" Then I'll just say, hi.
Well, that's how they do it in Philadelphia.
Well, I'm not going to.
I'm not there in Montana with you.
So I'm not going to play along.
Is that what Robin does, Betsy? Betsy.
You can't say Robin.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
But when you're here, you're just a part of the But can I ask you, I'm so curious.
Like, how does it work? They just drop you in the middle of nowhere, or it's a major city? Or did they give you money, what? Well, no.
They gave us a little bit of money and then, and this piece of land, a horrible, you know, acre of land with a dilapidated, old, like, wild west saloon.
Oh.
But you know what happened is So, nowhere, yeah.
The gas company came down here for fracking and they wanted to lease our land.
- Oh.
- And so we let them.
And we made a bucket of money.
Oh, my goodness.
And Betsy opened up a dance studio.
Okay.
And she hired 13 dance teachers.
- Oh.
- And the town loves it.
You know, there's all these big, single burly guys down here fracking, and, and, you know, they want to dance.
They oh, they do? - They want to dance? - Yeah.
So they come to your dance stu just men? Yeah.
Primarily men.
Women? There have been a couple of tough women.
But it's mostly, mostly men.
Mostly men coming to your dance studio.
- Yeah.
- To learn how to dance.
- Yeah.
- Are there group lessons? Is there one major dance hall? Well, it's 13 separate dance halls.
You could call them, they're rooms.
And and then the Just empty rooms? Well, you know, the girls live in their rooms.
Oh, so they have to have somewhere to sleep so there's a bed in every room.
Yeah, and a dresser and a wash basin.
And the big men come and visit the girls in their bedrooms - and they dance.
- And dance.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes.
- Well, it must be very noisy.
With all the music.
Well, there's a lot of thumping and, yeah, you do hear a lot of Music? Well, I don't hear a lot of music.
- No.
- They uh, here's the thing I wonder how you explain that.
Well, Betsy, you know she she she uses headphones for the music so that the it doesn't wake up Tyrone.
Yes, what a clever explanation that is.
- To be honest with you - Is Betsy a dance teacher too? Betsy is is a scheduler.
- She's not a teacher.
- Right.
She schedules and she's an organizer - of all the teachers.
- Right.
Sure, is her nickname Madame Betsy? Yeah.
Because of the ballet.
Because of the ballet.
All right, Richard uh, Jacques.
- Yeah, you cannot say that.
- I'm sorry, yes.
No, I'm all wrong.
- You're right.
- You have to be careful.
I'm the one who's jeopardizing everything.
Okay.
To be honest with you, I'm reaching out to you, Fiona, because I-I need your help.
Oh.
Betsy, a month ago she started this cayenne pepper cleanse where she drinks water and and and cayenne pepper.
Right.
And I think because of the leaching of the chemicals into the regular ground water - Oh, from the fracking.
- Yeah.
From the fracking, it's been affecting her brain.
And it's been it was gradual No, that's her.
But then she doesn't remember anything.
She's got amnesia.
She looks at me.
She doesn't know that I'm Mm.
She really doesn't know what's going on.
- Oh.
- She I showed her a loaf of bread and she didn't know what it was.
- She's she's lost her mind.
- Playing at something oh.
And my fear is that she's going to become rendered absolutely useless in the Witness Protection program.
- Is that the water? - Yes.
This is the filtered water.
That's filtered? Okay, I think from now on, though, you should drink bottled water.
Just to be safe.
I don't think it affects your memory.
It's so expensive.
Okay, well, look, I'm sorry, but you know, because I know "Betsy," I know that she's an extremely devious, calculating person.
And she's probably probably just trying to get out of testifying or something with her "amnesia.
" Fiona, she's actually locked up in a psych ward right now.
- What? Really? - She really I'm telling you, I've been nervous about her all day because she's having her shock treatments today.
Oh.
And if, if the lights dim, that's probably why.
It's a small town.
Yeah, I don't want anybody in town to know what's going with her so I've just been telling people that she's got a dance infection.
And that seems to stop them.
They don't ask questions.
No, of course they don't.
I wouldn't.
No.
Yes, all right, well, it sounds like you have things under control.
Well, I'm hoping that maybe you could talk to Betsy.
Because we have to figure out a way to help her with her cognitive problems.
Right, well, you do.
Isn't there something that you know, some kind of tricks to stimulate the brain to massage the dendrites or to do something to help her with her brain? Right, I mean, I don't know how to scare her into, you know, behaving normally again.
That's, you know.
I think what you're I thought that's what the shock treatment was for, you know.
But, um, all right.
You know what, maybe just you know I will help you, okay? And maybe maybe you need to relax.
Maybe go upstairs and have a private dance lesson.
I'm not allowed upstairs, but I'd love to do that.
- Hi.
- Hello, happy couple.
Oh.
I'm so honored that you've asked me to officiate your vow renewal.
Thanks for saying yes.
Thank you for saying yes, really.
Oh, it's my honor.
When is it, though? That's the part I didn't know.
Well, tomorrow.
We were hoping to do it tomorrow in the garden in the back yard.
- Oh.
- I'm just so happy.
- I mean, she's back.
- Yes.
It feels like we're really recommitting to each other and we had a great night, and.
It's we're thank you so much for being a part of this.
It's really like building a family again.
Yeah, well you are building a family, so.
Yes, we are.
So tomorrow, we'll be in the back yard.
We're gonna have just just us.
Oh, this is so exciting.
It's good.
It feels right.
It feels Hayley's back and - And starting your family.
- Well Well we're, we're we are trying.
Yeah, officially, we are trying as of last night.
Not that you need to know that, but - Yeah, but I - It was kind of great.
No, I meant the baby that Hayley's already pregnant with.
- No, well I feel, I feel - Wow, that's fast.
I just feel, I could feel it.
I feel.
- Already? - Kind of, yeah.
Is that could that happen that fast? 'Cause last night was kind of no.
Well, look at her.
Look at you.
Well Well, yeah, but no, I'm I'm full.
How dare you? I had a big meal.
Hayley, can you stand up for a moment? I mean, honestly.
Lookit.
She's pregnant.
No, no That's not you told me that was Pad Thai.
I'm full.
Coconut curry and a lot of the rice sticky.
I had so much curry.
It's a lot of sticky rice in Bali, so.
And now my breasts are tender, and I'm a little full.
That's so normal.
Oh, they're tender, all right.
- That is normal for pregnancy.
- No.
- Well, pregnancy.
- You're crazy.
But that would be awfully fast.
You can't in one night.
- No, you can't, you can't.
- No, that's not even right? - Nothing gets past you.
- Right.
You can't get pregnant in one day and then show, which means I'm a typical guy.
I don't know how these things work.
It would it would have to have happened earlier.
- Yeah, which is not possible.
- Which it didn't.
- Which it didn't happen, so.
- You didn't do, so.
- We have gotten back - How do you know it didn't? Uh, because it's my body.
I know.
I know myself.
I know when I'm full.
Right, and I trust Hayley.
How does Jerome know it didn't? Well, because I know she didn't.
I know what she was doing in Bali.
Uh-huh.
She ate, prayed, and loved, basically.
Loved.
Yes.
- Loved.
- And loved.
- My senses were wakened.
Yeah.
- They were.
Well, I felt that last night also.
I just wanted you to know that.
You seemed more awake, more alive, to me.
Right, that's what happens to pregnant women.
No, I-I think I understand why you think this.
I mean, she is definitely different.
She's radiant.
She's glowing.
Bali had an amazing affect on Hayley.
- Yes radiant.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
That's great that we're all being so honest right now.
- Yeah, yeah, we are.
- We are.
Okay.
Good.
So, um, I am very excited.
And I just want you to know that I went online and looked up on YouTube some of the some vows, you know, that people so I'll show you some examples.
That's a good idea.
- There, I sent that to you.
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause we were and you can take a look at that.
Okay.
Yeah, we were having trouble writing our vows last night.
Uh huh.
So this is gonna be helpful.
This will help a lot.
- Very wonderfully romantic.
- Now, that's the - That's you guys.
- Oh, what did I send? Night.
And I'm pregnant.
- What? - Oh.
Yeah.
- So - What? - It's not Jerome's.
- Are you kidding me? - What do you mean? - Please just calm down.
So you're pregnant? Calm down.
You came back from Bali pregnant? Is that what you're saying? You knew this? I just knew it.
I knew that you wouldn't understand and I didn't want to hurt you.
Oh, I understand, I understand that you're pregnant and it can't possibly be it can't be mine, right? No, because last night was the first night.
Of course it can't.
She pulled a train in Bali, so.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You don't know what I did in Bali.
Well, I know it involved four - aAh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
- Oh, oh, my God.
- I can't believe this.
- You just saw it.
I cannot renew my vows with you.
I can't even uphold my vows with you.
- Jerome, you're so sensitive.
- Sensitive? - Why are you so sensitive? - To adultery? - What about Gina? - All right, well, Gina - What about Gina? - Gina? - Okay.
- What a what about that? - Yes, I - Where was that baby from? I had a small transgression with Gina, who turned me into the lover that I am now, by the way.
So you're welcome.
And she came - Oh, thanks.
- she came with $40 million.
You, you come with a price tag of, how much is that costing me? The stables and the house and the petting zoo.
$5 million dollars.
North of $5 million.
In my heart, this is your baby.
And in my heart, you're not my wife.
Okay, so.
We're gonna - Thank you very much - No.
- for illuminating us and me.
- No.
No, I want that house.
- Hello, Ewan.
- Hey.
Hey, there you are.
- Here I am.
- There you are.
I know.
I thought I should let you know, I'm sorry if it's too late, but I thought I should - It's fine.
- let you know that well, thank the direct deposits are working out beautifully, so I can pay Jerome.
But now, I need to give him a birthday bonus.
It's his birthday next week and it's customary to give a $10,000 bonus check.
So I'll need that in addition.
I'll let you know about the very we have many, many bonuses here in the U.
S.
, we have Yeah, it's a very different system, I noticed.
It's nice to see you, though.
You look great.
Oh, thank you.
You look very handsome.
Next time you come to New York, you have to bring that robe, I think.
Yeah, I could bring it.
I could bring it.
It's lovely to see you.
I've missed your hand.
- Oh.
- I can see it, you know.
I've missed the other parts of you as well, but I saw your hand there, so.
Oh, yes.
Well, you know what? The rest of me misses you too, I have to say.
You know, that was, it was a I had I never knew it could be like that with a woman.
Or or, you know, any human.
You mean just so accepting and willing? That too.
I've been told that's what I do well.
But also just clean.
Just clean and you know, there were no rogue noises when I was - Oh, you know - It was You're a bit you're a wonderful, very skilled lover, I have to say.
Really? - Oh, yes.
- Thank you very much indeed.
You know, finally I thought you know, it's good to be appreciated for something that you do for once in a while.
You know, because you try hard and you try different things.
Selling businesses, stimulating clitorises, whatever it is you have to do.
Yes, but now you just seem a little perturbed.
Is something wrong? Well, you know, it's not just selling off his businesses that, you know, doing all the work of this charitable, you know, turn that Austen's life has taken.
But now to actually apparently I have to sell off a house which I live in with my flatulent wife - and ungrateful children.
- Oh.
That has to get sold too.
The company that I thought that I worked for, I have to sell that.
Everything's getting sold.
Nothing.
Nothing is gonna stay.
I will be unemployed I get one tiny one tiny little company that nobody wants.
I get that one.
Nobody I get a tiny and everything else, everything else is getting sold and I get noth nothing.
Nothing.
Oh, Ewan, that's a blow.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- And not the kind of blow- - Different blow.
- Yes.
From our weekend.
I can't wait for you to blow through town again.
I'm trying to cheer you up, because I'm sorry.
No, you're cheering no, it's nice.
It was really good.
There's nothing like talking about that.
That, you know, it's great.
A little talk about sex maybe cheers you up.
Yeah, talking about sex is good, because it's it's not as good as doing it.
Actually, it is sometimes.
- It's sometimes it's better.
- It's less work.
Yeah, it's you're right, it's better.
- You're wise.
- You know You're a wise woman.
I thank you.
Well, you know what? I would like to offer my services to help you.
After all, look what I did for Austen.
What? What did you do for Austen? Oh, you don't know how we met.
Through my work is how we met.
I was his therapist.
You were dealing with him because he was crazy? He was I mean, he was really I basically put him back together.
He was completely shattered, and I reassembled him and made him into the man he was.
And then, you know, not that he ended up being - That's fantastic.
- I'm not bad.
- That's fan - Yes, I'm pretty good.
That's fantastic.
I can have him declared insane, and all of this goes away.
Oh, that I didn't think that's where you were going.
Of course that's where I'm going.
When all of what goes away? I mean, you know, all of what? All of this dismantling of the trust.
All of this giving everything away to people he doesn't know in a country that is, frankly, untidy.
Why not just, you know we can stop all of this.
But the trusts would stay, you know, the trust for Angus stays.
The checks to me for Jerome stay.
Why? Why would it stay? Why does it have to stay if he's crazy? If he's crazy, it doesn't have to stay.
If he's crazy, none of what he none of what he did would Right, it's not easy to get someone declared insane.
You could do it, though.
You're a medical professional.
You could say, you could say I when he came to see me, like you said to me, you had to piece him back together.
No.
No, and, you know, he did give me the penthouse.
That wasn't crazy.
That was just a very that was a generous, thoughtful, logical gift.
That's not crazy, so.
Can't use that as an example of, you know.
He I you know what? Now I'm uncomfortable.
I shouldn't even be talking about this.
As his therapist, there's a patient, uh, uh, uh, doctor confidentiality that I can't I will have my license revoked.
What if you, what if you what if you were to be consulted in a court case environment to, you know, to give evidence about how crazy a patient was? Well, I think my fee would be too expensive for you.
It's, you know, $25,000 an hour.
Well, how long does it take to say he's crazy, you know? Let's go, say he's crazy.
- He's crazy.
- Okay, two seconds.
What's that, like, $200 dollars? Right I'm not, but I'm and you seem drunk now, anyway.
So I'll give you $100,000 dollars.
Okay.
Hello, mother.
Fiona.
What are you you're dressed like I'm going to a reenactment tonight of the signing of the declaration of independence.
Oh, thank God.
I'll be with the handsome governor.
Oh.
It's my way of cozying up to him so that he will give Kip an appointment to the supreme court of Pennsylvania.
So that will really help with the governor, that you're gonna do this dress up ball, really? It will help immensely.
I will have the governor in the palm of my hand.
Of course, I've already had him in the palm of my hand.
Oh, that was beneath me.
So is the governor a member of this reenactment as well? Yes.
He's playing one of the officers.
Oh, all right.
And who are you playing? Bruce Springsteen? Ha, ha.
I'm playing Charity Galore.
She was a Philly madame who slept, on and off, with most of the founding fathers.
So you're playing a whore? No, no, she was a patriot who slept around.
There's a big difference.
- Okay, so she helped? - Yes.
She relaxed Ben Franklin, and that was essential.
Point taken.
I'm rewriting the declaration of independence.
Oh.
I think there's room for improvement.
As you would, I'm sure.
If I'd only turned myself to this years ago, it would have been so much better.
Yeah, you mean when it was originally written? They need to have some graphics, some illustrations.
- Yes.
- There are no pictures here.
They're all it's all words, words, words.
You're right, that's the most common complaint about the declaration of independence.
"Where are the pictures?" - Hey.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- Ewan.
- You look great.
- Oh, thank you.
So do you.
I like your, uh, I like your necklace.
- Oh, isn't it nice? - Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
You know, it's something that Austen paid for.
Oh, okay, well back when he was still paying for things.
Well, you know, you can, you'll be able to hang onto it because here's the thing, the, uh, the case has been dropped.
- Oh.
- Because apparently, he's fine.
He's not, he's not crazy, apparently.
Right.
I know.
I you know what, I don't want to be dishonest with you because of my sense of ethics and moral compass.
I actually, in the deposition you know, you paid me the $100,000 to be the expert and so, in the deposition, I was the one who let them know that he was perfectly sane and made very sound, you know, financial decisions, especially regarding real estate.
You know, so that's that's why you don't have a case and so I'm sorry.
Oh.
Well, you know.
It is what it is.
You know, they Oh, you seem surprisingly fine about it.
I thought I was going to have to make it up to you in all kinds of odd ways on your next visit to New York.
Well, you're certainly welcome to do that and I appreciate it, but I asked you to give an opinion and you gave your opinion.
I did what I was told by you.
You did what you were told and good for you.
Anyway.
And so I'm just sorry that you're left with nothing except for a lot of work.
Well, it turns out the one little company I was left with, not not that worthless.
Apparently, the good people at Google have decided that the little company I thought was of no use was worth upwards of $250 million dollars.
- Oh, wow.
- $250 million dollars.
Look at that.
Whenever Google's interested, - it's always good news.
- Yes, it is.
- Well, that's wonderful.
- Yeah, so, you know.
- Hakuna matata.
- Ewan.
You know, it all comes around again.
- Musical song.
- Yeah, yeah.
So what is it? It's like a what what some kind of golfing golf club company, or? It's not unlike your type of job.
It's a company called Net Therapy and it's like what you do, but this one was invented by a real you know, a real kind of top notch cream of the crop american psycho person.
No, right.
Nothing A real a real, you know, a-1 lister.
No, I don't think that my mother is the one who perpetrated Net Therapy.
No.
She stole the idea from myself, sold it to Austen for $60 million.
Well, she can't really have stolen it from you, because your mother was there first.
She's your mother, you know, mother Yeah, but it was my idea that then she said, "oh, that idea, why don't I steal it?" 'Cause that's the kind of person she is.
Yeah, mother, daughter.
Chicken, egg, you know.
Eggs and bacon, you know.
Ice and Well look what happened, your brother left you something that made a lot of money after all.
Yeah, a lot of money.
And ensures that, you know, Google will never want web therapy, so.
Yeah, yeah, it's a great deal of cash.
And, um, I've managed to do some interesting things.
My wife there's this revolutionary procedure available in Switzerland.
And uh, she's uh, it's been a huge success and her barrel is now medically considered serene.
- No longer irritated in any way.
- Her barrel? - Bowel, bowel.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah, she doesn't have a barrel anymore either.
Right, well, that's you know what, that's wonderful news.
- I have wonderful news too.
- Really? That Jerome is getting a raise of $10,000 a week and it's retroactive for, uh, when he started with me four years ago.
Uh, three and a half years ago, to be fair.
You know, I'm no judge of these things, but, uh But you've been letting me guide you in the past about what his salary's supposed to be.
Sure, I'm always you know my door is always open.
- Right.
- If you know what I'm saying, my door is always So my door always has to be open, including the back door? We talked about that.
No, the back door doesn't have to be open.
Okay.
An open mind about having the back door being open, I think is, is a start.
You know.
Why not travel the road less traveled? Okay, if if we keep things the way they are with, you know, the regular main entrance being used Right.
then Jerome is still at $5,000 a week? - Sure, why not? - Okay.
And and, if we decided to use, you know, la porte des artistes, perhaps it would go up.
All right, I just do some ethical think thinking - Sure, yeah.
- about, you know.
You know, think it through.
Think it through.
You don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with.
Well, let's see what happens the next time you're in - and, you know - Okay.
- If I'm available.
- Next time I'm in? - New York.
- Oh, okay.
Yep.
I'll be there probably a lot now that, you know, I have so much money.
That's where you go, New York.
And, you know, if you want a place to stay, the penthouse is is available to you whenever you want.
By penthouse, do you mean? - The top floor apartment.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm keeping this shirt.
I got to get something out of this Bali trip.
Yeah, you can keep that shirt.
I bought it at the airport in Philly.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, okay? I'm keeping this shirt.
Okay, you can keep it.
I bought it at the airport at Island Woman.
Well, I guess everything happens for a reason.
Shut up.
And cut.