Weeds s03e15 Episode Script


Previously on Weeds There are many safe and ethnically diverse neighbourhoods in Pittsburgh.
- Shane, who are you talking to? - Dad.
I need to rent your empty house.
We need a grow house.
Can you deal with that? Hello, Eve Meriweather, education coordinator, Absolute Truth Ministries campus.
The wrath of Doug.
It's coming.
What kind of man tears a cross off the roof of a church? An impressive one, I'm guessing.
That's a big fucking cross.
I read an article in the paper about this cross of theirs that got stolen.
I think I just found it.
- You got a call.
- From who? Roy Till.
He's with the DEA.
- I have questions.
- You do? Our business arrangement's not gonna work out.
And why's that? My customers don't seem to like your product.
That's a shame.
Three guys on motorcycles pulled me out of the car.
They said they're coming after you, after all of us.
So what do you want from me? What kind of protection would I get for half of everything? Anyone fucks with you, they fuck with me.
When they go down, they go down hard.
The fire started in their grow field.
Someone torched it.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? # Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes made of ticky-tacky # Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes all the same # There's a green one and a pink one # And a blue one and a yellow one # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same # And the people in the houses # All went to the university # Where they were put in boxes # And they came out all the same # And there's doctors and lawyers # And business executives # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same # Good morning.
After a long night battling darkness, treacherous conditions, and high walls of flame, fire-fighters still do not have this searing blaze under control.
The west end of the charter school is gone.
We're trying to save the worship hall now, but we're just not equipped Oi vey! Almost 300 acres and several homes have burned, and with Santa Ana winds blowing strong and tinder-dry conditions, this fire shows no signs of weakness.
They say arson is a sexual crime.
Couldn't you have just rubbed one out? - You did this? - Of course not.
You took care of the bikers, didn't you? There are tinder-dry conditions out there, warm temperatures, low rainfall, high-density housing in a natural habitat, Santa Ana winds.
Not my fault.
- You're a gangster.
- Shut up.
I'm proud of you.
- Don't be.
- Don't be.
Well, what's our next move? Don't even fucking say Pittsburgh, OK? We've had enough of that shit.
Just deal like the rest of us.
- Pittsburgh.
- Dipshit.
- Dad! - OK, enough, everybody.
Time to pack up.
We're leaving.
Take only what's really important, OK? Everybody, go! Fire-fighters continue to lose ground in Majestic despite the efforts of several local agencies.
We take you there live for an update.
Everything we couldn't get into the van we wrapped in trash bags, which we sunk to the bottom of the pool.
Because we figure the pool can't burn, right? Now we're just praying the water doesn't get into the bags and destroy the Bowflex.
I am sorry to interrupt.
We have just received word that the evacuation of lower Majestic is now mandatory.
I repeat, there is now a mandatory call for evacuation in lower Majestic.
Fire-fighters are going door-to-door telling people to get out immediately as this insatiable conflagration continues to rage.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Firemen? Hello? You're blocking my driveway.
I can't pull my car out.
We can't move the truck now.
We asked for a voluntary evacuation of this area hours ago.
Well, how am I supposed to evacuate with your truck parked in front of my fucking driveway? There are shuttle buses running to the evacuation centre every two blocks, ma'am.
I just finished loading up the car.
Come on, it'll take you two seconds, and I'll be on my merry way.
- Please? - OK.
Got it? All residents are required to leave their homes now.
- This is a mandatory evacuation.
- You spiteful, fucking piece of shit.
What if this was your house? All of your things.
I live in a shitty apartment.
My ex-wife has all the good stuff, so I wouldn't give a shit.
But you're welcome that I'm risking my life and lungs trying to save your home, your hybrid, and all your crap.
You know what? Fair enough.
You know, I don't need any of this.
- I'm going to the shuttle! - Good for you.
Here's my phone number.
Call me.
A few drinks, some angry sex.
Here I go.
OK, we need to be leaving.
I smell smoke.
Damn, Heylia, you get nervous around a barbecue.
Just let me pack a few more plants.
Look, we done most of what we can do.
House burns down, we start again.
House still standing, we go back to work in a few days.
Oh, no.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
Growing here and running there.
Fuck it.
I'm going legit.
- Now what the fuck are you talking about? - I'm opening up a club.
Heylia's Compassionate Care.
- What? I still got my connections.
- You gonna buy from me? So long as I don't know where you growing it, and I don't have to see your fucking girlfriend.
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Fine.
Your cock-charming fuck buddy.
I'm done fighting it, cos I know you gonna do what you gonna do.
I'm simply asking that you keep it out my face, and I hope she make a decent turkey cos she ain't coming to my house for Thanksgiving.
Now, look at that timing.
There you go.
Residents in northern Majestic have been ordered to evacuate and voluntary evacuations are in effect for lower Majestic and the area formerly known as Agrestic Township.
All evacuees are welcome here to the Summer Canyon Recreation Centre.
Dan, back to you in the studio.
All right, that's it, guys.
Let's get back as soon as we can.
This is my dad, not a washing machine.
- I'm fine, honey.
- No, you're not.
You were banging around in there like a pinball.
Were you trying to hit every pothole, or do you just suck at your job? It's been a long night.
She's tired, cranky.
Dad, you need to stop being such a pussy.
I'm not always gonna be around.
Here we go.
I'm ready.
- What's that? - My turtles.
- You have turtles? - Franco and Warhol.
- How long have you had turtles? - I won them last year at a carnival.
How did I not know you had turtles for a year? No, honey.
No waffle maker.
We don't need it.
Homeowner's insurance policy, deed to the house, birth certificates.
- Daddy's earthquake box.
- He reminded me about it this morning.
Well, tell him thanks.
He doesn't want to leave the house, Mom.
It's a good thing he can't catch fire, but we can.
Does he understand that? I'm not leaving if he's not leaving.
- Shane, this has gone far enough, really.
- I'm not leaving.
Judah? Listen Judah, listen to me.
No, it's my turn to talk.
Can I talk, please? Thank you.
Kindly tell our son that he needs to leave, because his safety is more important than hanging out with you in this prefab shitbox you loved so well.
You both need to let it go.
No, my hair's the same.
OK, I stopped straightening it.
All right, are you gonna tell him? Fine.
Shane, your father wants you to go.
I'll start loading the car.
The evacuation centre, captive audience, high anxiety level.
Where there's smoke, there's smoke.
We need to stop off and get my seedlings at the grow house.
- No.
- I'm not leaving without my work.
Fine, I'll go and get it.
You guys take the van and go to the rec centre.
I'll meet you there.
Start loading.
- Did you know Shane had turtles? - Franco and Warhol.
Live at the scene here, mandatory evacuations of areas of Majestic Look at that! It's right behind the golf course.
OK, team, we're in a giant room full of unhappy people with lots of cash.
So, let's take their cash and make them happy, OK? On my count.
One, two, three.
- Break! - Break! # Where there's fire, people like to smoke # Where there's fire, people like to toke # Where there's fire, we can all get paid # And if we're lucky, maybe we'll get laid We're live outside the evacuation centre.
The parking lot is full of - Your phone broken? - Sorry about that.
I was trying to get as much out as I could before I lock up.
It's nuts out there.
Couldn't even drive over here.
I had to park and sneak under the barricade.
- Should you even be here? - I was sent.
Got to rescue the magical Silas strain.
Plus, I hear there's a fire barrelling towards this house.
I was wondering if there's anything I could take with me.
Heylia took a bunch of it, but grab what you can.
Dole it out as slow as you can, because I think that's gonna be it for a while.
- Wildfire.
- Guillermo fire.
No shit? I don't think he meant for it to spread.
He was burning out the bikers.
That's what happens when you make a deal with the devil fire.
Fire on the mountain.
" Huh? Grateful Dead.
Can you make a turkey? Can I make a turkey? Where did that come from? Just answer the question.
I can buy a turkey.
Heylia makes these deep-fried turkeys.
- Unbelievable.
- Yeah.
Can't really see myself deep-frying.
I'm more of a bake and broil kind of girl.
Think I could fit a turkey in the microwave? You'd have to have a pretty big microwave.
Or a pretty small turkey.
What are you gonna do if it all burns down? Your house, your suburb.
Well Well I guess I guess I'd have to go.
Cookies! Would you like to buy some cookies? Drink up.
So, what's our next move, Nance? I thought I'd get some cheese.
They're making fondue at Cot 14.
No, not that.
The business, our friend Mary Jane.
Why don't we see how the fire goes and then we can regroup? Well, don't forget that I am in the group when we regroup.
If we regroup the group, you'll be in the group.
- She's got a great ass, your mom.
- Don't be gross.
I was just kidding.
Isabelle, are you really a lesbian? Do you really talk to your dead father? - I got to go to the bathroom.
- Go.
Agrestic Shit, Majestic police! Hello! Anyone here? Holy shit.
Hello? Anyone here? You really got to clear out now.
The fire's up the block and it's moving fast.
Holy shit.
I think they shot Peckers of the Caribbean here.
OK, the fire just took out the Olive Garden.
Come on, guys, we really got to go.
Franco, like the Spanish dictator? Franco, like Franco Harris, the Steelers hall of fame football player.
Honey, I know where you're going with this.
We are never going to move to Pittsburgh.
Mommy hates the cold.
If you still feel this strongly about it in five years, you can apply to Carnegie Mellon.
"And he doth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come from heaven " - Creepy.
- What about Tampa? I got to go.
"And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, "which hath power over these plagues.
" - Amen! - Amen! Stand up.
Raise your hands high and pray for him! # Oh, the Jesus freaks are singing # The Jesus freaks are singing # The Jesus freaks are singing # They're annoying, self-righteous and mean # Everybody, come on.
All together now.
- So, it's not your house? - No.
That house belongs to Celia.
Celia Hodes.
Then, why is it in the name of a company that you own? Well, because my company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr.
Groff? Because she was my lover, and it was good.
And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house, but I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet.
The power of passion makes you do crazy things Captain Till, is it? OK, so, you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy.
Did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room? Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that.
You know, it's funny.
I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type.
She's a very complicated woman.
Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a Porsche? May I go now, Captain Till? My work here is finished.
I'm due in Colorado Springs in three days, and it's time for me to hit the road.
Leave a number where I can reach you.
- Will do.
- Go.
I just got a call from Guillermo, and I need to go meet him.
Nancy, no.
Just stay here.
Stay here with me and the kids.
Get your toes done, sell some weed.
- I hear there's fondue at Cot 14.
- It was just a cheese plate.
You need to stop hanging out with bad people.
- The man set a town on fire.
- All the more reason not to piss him off.
We just need to talk, Guillermo and me.
I'll be back soon.
Do you have some sort of a plan? I'm working on it.
Work in progress.
I got to get going.
They found the cross! It's in a house in Majestic.
We have to save it! - Majestic's on fire.
- Jesus will protect us.
Jesus will protect us! - Jesus does not make you flame-retardant.
- I have to go.
Hallelujah! Praise God! This was not what I had in mind.
Act of God, baby.
Fire's part of nature.
Act of stupidity.
Those are people's homes.
FEMA's gonna set them up at the Marriott.
They're gonna get room service for two months, premium cable.
Then they'll come back, see it all built up bigger, brighter.
And then God's gonna burn it down again, cos they don't belong here in the first place.
And the whole thing starts over.
- It's the circle of life.
- Hakuna matata.
- My house is about to burn to the ground.
- You got insurance? My weed is about to burn to the ground.
My customer base is about to burn to the ground.
For that, I don't have insurance.
Couldn't get them to offer me a drug-dealer loss-of-product policy.
- Then, it's a sign.
- A sign? That it's time to move on.
That you don't belong here.
This is not your home.
- What happened to the bikers? - They moving on, too.
But I don't think your paths are gonna cross.
What am I gonna do? You're white.
You're smart, pretty.
Yeah, I'll think of something, huh? Fuck you! That's my entire life.
All that.
Entire life.
Come on.
This is one tiny valley.
Over the hill, there's another one just like it.
Then another hill and another valley.
And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico.
You're facing west.
See, I could use you.
You tell me which way is south.
- You be my navigator.
- Hand off the ass.
And thank you for the muscle.
Sorry I can't pay you.
It's not my fault, is it? - I bring a lot of mota across the border.
- Yeah.
I'm not selling for you.
I'm nobody's bitch anymore.
We'd take you off the sales floor.
That's for the little people.
I get stuck in traffic a lot.
Traffic? Which one is your house? That one.
No, it's that one? I don't know.
It's over there somewhere.
Maybe the fire won't get there.
You could stay here forever.
Got to go.
# Oh, this is just like the Superdome # Except nowhere for piles of human waste # It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi # Some cookies and toothpaste # Yes, just like the Superdome # Except everyone's white and middle class # We got some yoga people chanting, there's lot of Gatorade # And toilet paper to wipe our ass # This is just like the Superdome # We now go live to Majestic for an update.
- A group chanting "Jesus will protect us" - Check it out.
forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross.
Now those members are being treated in hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation.
Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house? The Lord told us to go.
OK, I'm over her.
Hodes? Celia Hodes? If Celia Hodes is in the room, could you please raise your hand? Hodes? Celia Hodes? I think they're calling you.
Is there some kind of raffle I didn't get in on? - I hate it when I miss out! - I don't think so.
Well, raise your hand.
See what they want.
Here! She's right here! - Celia Hodes? - Yeah? Nancy Botwin.
Sorry, ma'am.
This whole area's been evacuated.
I know.
I live here.
I evacuated.
It's just my house is right there.
Please? Ma'am, the fire's ripping through the canyon behind your house.
- It's not safe.
- I know.
My husband's ashes are in there.
Please, I forgot my husband's ashes.
Let me go in there.
My house is right there.
I'm begging you.
- You live right there? - Yeah, that's my house right there.
Two minutes.
I'm counting.
# One gonna heal my body # Another gonna heal my pain # One gonna settle me down # Then bring me back up again # One gonna put my family # Back together again # One gonna hold my woman, another gonna hold myjob # One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop # One gonna help me talk right # One gonna lay me down to sleep # One gonna help me keep 'em, another gonna help me tame # One gonna run me down, hell, a bullet's in my way # You're gonna keep my soul # It was yours to have long ago # Andy, get the kids ready to go.
I'm coming back.
It's time to hit the road.
No, now, Andy! Do it! Well, then, don't make me yell.
All right.
See you soon.
Judah, if you're still here, I tried.
# One gonna hold my memories, another gonna close the door # One gonna leave me restless, another wanting more # You're gonna keep my soul # It was yours to have long ago # Hey! Where are the ashes? Oh, er I forgot that we buried him.
Thanks, though.
Gotta go.
# Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes made of ticky-tacky # Little boxes, little boxes # Little boxes all the same # There's a green one and a pink one # And a blue one and a yellow one # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same # And the people in the houses # All went to the university # And they all got put in boxes # Little boxes all the same # And there's doctors and there's lawyers # And business executives # And they all get put in boxes # And they all come out the same # There's a green one and a pink one # And a blue one and a yellow one # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same #