Weeds s04e01 Episode Script

Mother Thinks the Birds Are After Her

(Previously on "weeds") There is now a mandatory call for evacuation in lower majestic.
All evacuees are welcome here to the summer canyon recreation center.
* Where there's fire, people like to smoke * okay, we need to be leaving.
I smell smoke.
I'm opening up a club heylia's compassionate care.
Nancy, if it all burns down, what are you gonna do? I guess I'd have to go.
Agrestic -- shit! Majestic police! You really got to clear out now.
The fire's up the block, and it's moving fast.
Holy shit.
That house belongs to celia, and she was my lover, and it was good.
So, you buy her a house and I assume you're fucking her in said house -- she of the magical house-earning pussy.
- Celia hodes? - Yeah? Nancy botwin.
I just got a call from guillermo.
And I need to go meet him.
No.
You need to stop hanging out with bad people.
The man set a town on fire! I could use you.
I'm not selling for you.
I'm nobody's bitch anymore.
We take you off the sales floor.
That's for the little people.
Navigator.
I get stuck in traffic a lot.
Traffic? Andy: Do you have some sort of a plan? I'm working on it.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode01 am I under arrest? All right, how long is this gonna take? Why don't i ask my questions, and then we can get to yours? Well, could you turn down the air-conditioning? I am in a sundress.
Can I have a diet coke? Again with the questions.
I'm starting to see what did it for groff.
He never had to get on top.
I beg your pardon.
How tall are you -- like, 5'8"? Shouldn't you be asking questions about drug things? Okay.
Was sex like a drug to you? Look, I don't know what he told you, but sullivan groff is a lying piece of shit.
So, you never had a sexual relationship with him? A sexual relationship that resulted in his giving you a house -- a house which was later used for the growing and cultivation of marijuana? That house was never in my name.
I was just living there.
Then my idiot ex-husband had an accident, and I saw an opportunity to make some money by renting it out to someone I thought was a friend.
What she did with it has nothing to do with me.
You should be questioning nancy botwin.
- Did a bird just crap on my head? - No.
What is with all the birds? Shane, you should use the bathroom before we get back in the car.
Can I ride with uncle andy? Didn't you like listening to the radio loud? Best bathroom graffiti ever -- at least in the top 10.
"Here I sit, uh, cheeks a-flexin' giving birth to a baby texan.
" I think that's offensive to texans.
Only the baby ones.
Shane wants to ride with you.
Oh, sorry, buddy.
The plasma's riding shotgun.
Please tell me you washed your hands.
Mom's car smells like gas.
It's giving me a headache.
The car smells like gas? I don't think it's the car.
No, it's your mother.
She smells like gas.
- I don't smell anything.
- You smell like gas.
I don't know.
I must have spilled it when I was pumping.
We haven't stopped at a gas station.
Do we actually know where we're going or are we just driving around randomly? We're on the run, aren't we? These are solid questions.
We're going to ren mar.
What -- ho, what? Ren mar? Back up.
No, moving forward.
We're going to see bubbie.
- Bubbie? - Doesn't bubbie hate you? She just hates that I'm not jewish.
It's not personal.
No, I think she hates you, too.
Well, she loves her great-grandchildren.
I've only met her twice, and once was at dad's F.
she kept calling me "gooshey purim" -- something.
"Goyishe punim" -- "you got face like a goy.
" Look, she's family.
She lives by the beach.
That's the plan.
Let's get back on the road.
Shane, you sure you don't need to pee or birth a texan before we go? No.
Hey, can I go with you? Mom's car smells like gas.
How am I not smelling it? Never mind.
I'll drive the van.
The three of you can take the prius, all right? Will that make everyone happy? Flying flu bag! I hate birds.
Dad once told me bubbie killed the neighbor's dog.
No one could ever prove that.
What's she like? Oh, she's great, actually, and a bitch, but in a great, tough-cookie way.
- Old people creep me out.
- Okay, fine! I spilled gas on myself when i was pouring it on the furniture.
What? Yes.
I set the house on fire.
Okay? It's done.
It's gone.
I'm sure the real fire would have gotten to it, anyway.
I just wanted to make sure.
It's time to move on, so let's move on.
Questions answered.
Mystery solved.
And there were growers -- heylia and conrad.
I don't know their last names, but they were black.
And the gay indian kid and the christian girl.
You seem to know a whole lot about the operation for just a landlady.
I'm telling you, you want nancy botwin.
Not me.
How do you know what I want? I'm full of surprises.
I have a parasitic twin growing out of my stomach.
Seriously? You'll have to get me naked to know for sure.
Are you trying to flirt with me? Is that what this is? - That's pathetic.
- That is? You're the "drugs are wrong" lady, and you were running a grow house.
I got a picture here of you with sasquatch.
You like costume play? - I want to go home.
- Which home -- the one with the pot plants or the one with the injured idiot ex-husband? Whichever one hasn't burned down.
Very good point.
You could be homeless for all we know.
Thank goodness you have a place to sleep for the night.
What do you mean? I mean I'm gonna keep you for a while, check out your story.
I'll have someone bring you a diet pop and a sweater.
- Diet coke.
- No, princess.
Diet shasta in a can room temperature no straw.
Say thank you.
Fuck you.
I haven't done anything.
We'll see.
I want a lawyer! Are you looking? I'm about to do the spinny-spin.
Yeah, I'm looking.
One second.
Wait, that wasn't it.
Hold on.
It's gonna be really good.
What the hell happened to you? I've been, like, sitting here.
I've been calling.
Andy: Sorry about that.
My phone battery conked out around oceanside.
Mine was on mute.
My phone was fine, but I've been ignoring your calls because I'm mad at you for burning our house down without thinking that maybe some of us would have liked to go back and get a few more things out.
Stuff, shane -- all replaceable.
We've got the computer.
We've got the photo album.
You got the photo album? Yes, of course I did.
Think I forgot? Well, did you get that box of loose pictures from the garage? I did.
It's in the back of the van.
Well, then good.
I'll answer your call next time.
This house looks c L.
Well good.
There's this amazing german deli in carlsbad.
I brought you zwiebelbraten with spaetzle.
You might want to heat it up.
- You're an asshole.
- Fine.
I'll eat it.
So, no one's home? I wouldn't say that.
Some giant killer dog is home.
I rang the bell, and it barked like it was gonna lunge through the window and bite my head off.
Bubbie hates dogs.
Well, I think she's gotten over it.
Where are we gonna sleep tonight? Maybe she's taking a walk.
Bubbie was always a big walker.
Why would you go walking without your dog? 'Cause I'm telling you, she hates dogs.
Rad: She doesn't really have a dog.
That's rad.
That's his name -- rad.
He's 10, and he's read the whole "narnia" series, and now he's moved on to "his dark materials," and he likes it so far.
His parents are divorced, and he wants to be an inventor and a robot builder when he grows up, and his favorite color is green, and his favorite animal is the komodo dragon, which can eat up to 80% of its own weight in a single sitting, and he thinks dodgeball is gay.
That's how long I've been sitting here waiting for you guys.
And bubbie definitely has a dog.
No, it's the doorbell.
- Her doorbell barks? - Yeah.
Check it out.
See? I do it all the time.
I bet she loves that.
You couldn't have told me this earlier? Rad: You didn't ask.
She's probably in there.
She never comes out.
My mom won't let me trick-or-treat here on halloween.
I know how to get in.
Used to do it all the time when we were kids.
- How? - None of your business.
But if shane's too heavy to heave up to the pergola, you might find out.
Shane, let's do it.
Wow, the ocean's like a block away.
It's nice, isn't it? I think it could be good.
Whenever I swim in the ocean, I get a really sick rash.
Good to know.
I'll buy you a wet suit.
All right, he's in.
We can't stay here.
Attention, evacuees Check it out.
It's snowing in so-cal.
Except they're warm snowflakes.
Taste like loss.
And muffins.
Mine tastes like a vinyl sofa.
Hey, when fema gives us hotel vouchers, do you want to combine them and get, like, a ginormous suite? A sweet suite? A dude suite? A dude suite with isabel.
Okay, well, she's almost a dude.
I'm not ready to make that judgment until she's past puberty.
Well, either way, she's cool.
She could hang with us.
Hey, do you -- do you still poop yourself? You don't have to worry about it.
So, you -- you do poop yourself? I can get myself onto a toilet and evacuate my own bowels.
- You used to poop yourself, but now you don'T.
- That's right.
Okay, then.
Here.
Doug wilson? I'm agent shlatter with the D.
E.
A.
He's a cripple with a doctor's note.
I'm just keeping him company.
Maybe she's just taking a nap.
Hey, bubbie.
It's me -- andy.
You sleeping? If you're sleeping, I'm gonna go through your purse, bubbie.
I'm gonna look at your driver's license, find out your real age.
I'm also gonna take all your $5 bills.
She's not sleeping.
She's somewhere far, far away.
This is totally creepy.
Jesus, time is cruel.
- I should start taking fish oil.
- And green tea.
Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life.
Get real.
It's all downhill from 30 on.
- Shut up.
- Be quiet.
What did they say? That the nurse was fired a month ago.
Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.
Oh, shit -- family member? No, no, no.
Forget this.
I'm leaving.
Oh, no, wait.
We don't know for sure.
D-don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere? He probably sunk it.
It's him.
I know it's him.
Look.
Look around.
Paintings missing from the wall.
All right, here we go.
Tchotchkes missing.
Bubbie's watching the world poker tour? Look.
He's here.
Who's here? Who the fuck is here? I've got a vicious dog.
He'll bite your thieving balls off.
You better start running.
Oh, christ.
Hey, dad, you can call off the doorbell.
It's your family.
Hello, len.
Why do I smell gasoline? How stoned are you two? - I'm, uh - we're baked out of our skulls.
But you -- you shouldn't do drugs.
You've convinced me.
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
- Oh, shit.
What do you think she told them? - Everything.
Oh, god.
I'm gonna go to jail, and I'm gonna get raped, and it's gonna make me hate being gay.
Hey, hey, careful.
They could be "istening-lay.
" - They could be what? - "Othing-nay.
" No one's going to jail.
You just need to get your stories straight.
They're gonna want to know who's running things.
We could turn in conrad and heylia.
Oh, they're long gone.
Of course they are.
The black guys never get arrested.
But here we sit, two milks and a cappuccino, rousted by the man.
Man: Mr.
Wilson? You know the name.
Use it.
Celia -- celia hodes -- h-o-d-e-S.
She ran the whole thing.
Sanjay: She won't know I said anything, right? 'Cause she is super fierce.
Oh, celia scares me.
She's the boss.
Nancy? Never.
She's got two children.
And wasn't she married to one of your guys? How crazy would that be -- the drug dealer and the D.
E.
A.
Agent? Nah.
Makes no sense.
Nancy? She and celia were in pta together, and they were friends for a while, but I think they kind of drifted.
Probably because my ex was becoming a drug dealer.
Nancy who? Oh, oh, I do know one nancy, but her name used to be vince.
Is that the same person you're talking about? Vince? No? How could you just leave her like this? I had errands.
You were at the track.
And the rite aid.
She was fine.
I changed all her bags, cleaned her up, and turned on the television.
It's not like she has anywhere to go.
And I was back before dinner, and, excuse me, who the hell are you bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of grandma? - With not-francie, no less.
- Who? It's your mother.
Never mind.
Her name is nancy.
He knows that.
He just won't say it.
Who's francie? That's the woman your father should have married.
Francie's wonderful.
She's an eye doctor.
Beautiful, tiny hands that bring sight to the blind.
She married a cantor, has four children, and is still the number-one lasik surgeon in the whole north county area.
Gave me a discount.
Now I can see perfect.
She's wonderful.
What is that? Zwiebelbraten with sp-- uh, spaetzle.
- What? - I don't know.
It's german.
You're sitting in my mother's living room eating german food and smelling like gas.
She was at auschwitz, for christ's sake.
What kind of a monster are you? I'm a terrible shiksa monster here to terrorize your clan.
What do you want from me, len? It's been 20 years.
Can you get over it already? Hey, judah stopped talking to us.
Because you'd only call me not-francie, because you refused to come to our wedding, because the one time we came down here after silas was born, you told us that the baby had eczema because judah had watered down the gene pool.
Look who's keeping lists.
Your skin looks much improved.
Gee, thanks.
Len, your mother is dying.
You're not looking so hot yourself.
Isn't it time to make peace? What do you mean I'm not looking so hot myself? I've got my hair and muscle tone, and I have excellent posture.
Fine, len, you're a -- you're a god among men.
How could I have been so blind? Must be a little distracted 'cause my house burned down.
What, did you leave a scarf over a lamp? I know people do that sometimes to help with the mood lighting.
But, you know, before you know it, everything's in flames.
Do you not watch the news? I watch "sportscenter.
" Okay.
See that? Great big fire? Our house somewhere in the middle of it.
It's gone now.
Oh, all he cares about is his sports book.
Like I'm gonna make money on a fire.
Let's just go, huh? We can stay at a motel.
No, andy.
We can't stay at a motel.
We've been driving all day.
- Apparently, I smell like gas.
- Apparently? The kids are tired.
I'd rather not use a credit card and leave a paper trail.
- What, are you on the run? - Yes.
Well, that, at least I can wrap my head around.
All right.
Here's what we'll do.
You and your brother klaus can stay in judah's old room.
It was my room, too.
You can sleep in judah and not-judah's old room.
There are sheets in the hall closet.
Not-francie can sleep in bubbie's room.
- Thank you.
- All right.
We'll see.
So, what did he do? Why do you assume it's me? Because it's always you.
Okay, shower time.
Why are you always such a prick to me? I'm just not sure you're mine, so I keep an emotional distance.
If only that were true and I wasn't looking at the ghost of hanukkah future, fighting the urge to throw myself off a cliff.
Oh, such drama.
Hey, I get laid all the time, and I shit like a swiss train.
You should be so lucky.
You can sleep on the couch.
You want to play poker tomorrow? - No.
- Okay.
Rinse off the nazi plate, will you? And turn the tv back to my channel.
I'm gonna change ma's diaper and clean her feeding tubes and give her a new nightgown.
You should go away.
It's not pretty.
- I can take it.
- Great.
- I'll be in the kitchen.
- Good.
Hey, I'm hungry.
Make me a sandwich.
Tomorrow we're gonna have to have a discussion about how long this heartwarming family reunion's gonna last.
I like shane, despite his stupid cowboy name.
He looks like my side of the family.
The rest of you I don't know.
We shall see.
All right, get ready, mom.
Rolling you left.
Oh, ma.
They're lying! They're all lying! Please help me.
I think you're very handsome.
Come in.
- The boys asleep? - Yeah.
And it's totally freaking me out.
Shane's sleeping on my old "star wars" sheets.
Silas found one of judah's playboys from 1979 under the mattress -- candy loving on the cover, dorothy stratten centerfold.
It's beautiful.
I'm having jerk-off flashbacks.
My old stains are still on the wall.
My children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins.
I'm thrilled.
Hey, this is where judah and i grew from boys to men.
How often did you guys come here? Oh, three, four times a night.
- You're an animal.
- Every year, every year.
Dad had custody in the summer, so he'd park us with bubbie and go to the track.
It was great, you know? We loved it.
Judah would bring it up every once in a while, but then he'd remind himself that he was angry at everyone, and he'D shut down.
Yeah, well, that was the past.
You were his future.
I think he was, uh, happy with his choice.
Well, thank you.
- He once showed me naked pictures of you, you know? - Bullshit.
You hadn't been dating that long.
He wasn't taking you seriously yet.
You had this silver sequined bowler hat.
That asshole.
I c-- I can't believe -- he swore he'd destroy -- I can't -- I -- fucking asshole.
Sometimes.
Just 'cause he's dead doesn't mean he was a saint.
It's weird seeing all these old pictures around.
Wait.
What pictures? They're here? No.
I mean, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm gonna look for them tomorrow.
No, I was just talking about all the pictures around the house.
Oh, yeah.
It is a little overkill, isn't it? Judah, judah, judah, judah.
And, of course, the fabulous francie.
God.
Look how young and smiling and gorgeous.
You really think I made him happy? This was before he chipped his tooth and he got that fake one.
Nancy, what the hell are we doing here? We're starting a new life.
Fresh.
The beach.
Houses built before 1997.
Clean air.
I bet the schools are good.
I hadn't counted on the dying woman in the living room, but you have a plan, don't you? It's not about the clean air.
It's all part of a plan.
I might have a plan.
Or the start of one.
A plan in the planning stages, if you will.
Should I be nervous about all this? Of course you should.
It's the drug business.
It's dangerous.
But we're just gonna try and put all that out of our minds for now.
Think happy thoughts.
Wait.
What is it? You're not thinking happy thoughts.
I saw my grandmother's vagina.
You know they actually used old landing strips from vietnam to build that fence.
From one fucking mistake to another.
You ever been? Let me guess.
Spring break, right? Went down with some college friends to drink some tequila, get into something crazy like a donkey show.
No.
No tijuana.
I always stayed at a resort in cabo.
I got a sunburn, bought a tin mirror.
Again with the fucking birds.
- I swear they're following me.
- Nah.
They just squawking to let their mexican buddies know there's more scraps on this side.
Cleaner water.
Fly on over.
There's no water in the sky.
Maybe you should strap the drugs to the birds.
We tried it with pigeons.
They can't really carry too much weight.
What's with the numbers on the wall? Over here is for border patrol, so they can radio in when one of the poor, huddled masses yearns to be free.
Over there, it marks territory -- who controls what part of the wall.
Mexicate cartel -- they got 1 through 323.
Mzo got 667 through 1,500.
And us, we got what's in front of you -- 324 to 666.
Tres seis.
What, you thought we worship the devil? Shame on you.
Listen, I'm still unclear.
What's my job here? Your job is to be a pretty american lady.
Think you can handle it? And there's big money in it if you do it real good.
Big, big money? Phew, man, I'm two years from retirement myself.
I won't bring heroin.
You got some arbitrary rules you live by.
- But you're standing here, aren't you? - I won't bring heroin.
All right, then you bring in lots and lots of mota.
You're still gonna make lots and lots of cash.
And retire, right? What are you gonna do with all your cash and free time? Where's Ivan? They got him.
Idiot wore baggy pants.
Got caught on the fence.
But otherwise We're good.
We'll be in touch.
Welcome to the border.
Hasta luego.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode01