Weeds s04e02 Episode Script

Lady's a Charm

previously on "weeds" nancy: This was not what I had in mind.
Those are people's homes.
Fema's gonna set them up at the marriott.
It's time to move on -- we take you off the sales floor.
Traffic? You'd bring in lots and lots of mota.
Holy shit.
That house belongs to celia.
Celia hodes.
Celia hodes.
She ran the whole thing.
They're all lying! Please help me.
Nancy: We're going to ren mar.
We're going to see bubbie.
She's somewhere far, far away.
The nurse was fired.
A family member called and said he was taking over her care.
Hey, dad, it's your family.
Who the hell are you bursting in here like this? Why are you always such a prick to me? I'm just not sure you're mine.
- What, are you on the run? - Yes.
Well, that at least I can wrap my head around.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode02 Bingo.
Bubbie -- who knew? Nice dress, mom.
We should have done this years ago.
Burn down the house and move to the beach? We can hear the ocean.
How great is that? Listen.
That's silas watering his pot plants in the shower.
Silas! Okay.
The hair identity crisis, new start -- I get it.
More importantly, the plants.
The plants need to grow somewhere else, out of this house now.
What are you so paranoid about? I'm paranoid about len.
He wants to be called lenny.
If len sees those, he might flip or steal them or smoke them -- we just don't know.
The bottom line is -- we don't shit where we eat or eat where we shit.
Either way, words of wisdom.
Well, then where am I supposed to put them? Figure it out, young botanist.
Just get them gone.
Where are you going? I need to buy a bed skirt.
I want to go shopping for a bed skirt.
You don't even know what a bed skirt is.
Do too.
It's like a dust ruffle.
How do you know what a dust ruffle is? - All gay boys know what a dust ruffle is.
- Silas.
That's right, I'm a big fag, so you can suck my dick.
Please, can I come with you, mom? No, honey.
I need some alone time, and you just told your brother to suck your dick.
Gross.
Where are you really going? I just told you -- errands.
Dressed like that? Good morning, andy.
- len.
- Lenny.
How long does it take portnoy up there to finish his business? Use the downstairs bathroom.
I don't like the toilet in there.
It's got a padded seat.
It's like taking a shit on a mushroom.
I've taken a shit on mushrooms and on a mushroom, actually.
Of course you have.
Listen, bonnie and clyde, I don't know what you two are running from.
And you know what? I don't care.
Why don't you just give me $300 in cash right now, and the subject is dead? Okay.
Nice doing business with you.
Hey, so, I'm doing something potentially illegal today.
What sort of potentially illegal activity are you engaging in in that dress? I got a page.
He gave me an address.
Who? Your john? Guillermo.
"Psychotic gangster, burned down agrestic" guillermo? Do you want to keep living with your father? It's work.
It's fine.
Keep your cellphone on.
In case of injury or imprisonment? In case I need something from the supermarket.
Like a rape kit? I don't think they sell those at ralph'S.
It's work.
It's fine.
Okay, have a good day at the office.
Maddy shaheen.
I'm the public defender assigned to your case.
Am I getting out now? You just have to sit tight a little while longer.
The charges won't stick.
Oh, good.
Thank god.
No one actually saw you drive the escalade into the convenience store, so we're totally cool.
Escalade? It's says "escalade.
" That's what came through the window, unless it was a highlander or one of those big lincoln things.
What is it? A navigator? What are you talking about? - Felicia harken? - Celia hodes.
Hodes.
Okay.
Right.
Hodes.
Hey, any relation to dean hodes? He was this loser who was constantly hitting on me in law school.
No.
No relation.
Okay.
Here we go.
No, that is not it.
Are you retarded? I'm just disorganized.
You don't have to be a bitch about it.
Ooh, here it is.
Uh, yeah, you're not getting out of here anytime soon.
I pose a bigger threat to the public than someone who drove a car through a store window? Antidrug crusader caught with grow house? You're fucked like a stray dog in chinatown.
I-I-I shouldn't be in here.
The toilets are metal.
Anyway, your hearing date's in three weeks.
You were on city council, so if you slept with any cops or judges, it's time to call in the favors.
I'll be in touch, sally.
- Celia.
- Yeah.
See ya.
Felicia? Not felicia.
Mamacita! Hey, blanca.
You said you had a job for me? Yeah, I do.
And good morning to you.
You need to get that fixed.
Obviously.
You're gonna take a little drive for me today, blanca.
Go down to tj and get that brake light repaired.
In mexico? Cheaper labor there.
I know a good garage.
Once you get over the border, take any left off revolución and follow the river, paseo de los heroes, and look for the beer-can/horsehead thing hanging outside.
Beer-can/horsehead? Yeah, it's on the wall.
- And that's it? - No.
I also want you to go to a farmacia, get me some inhalers -- ventolin and aerobid.
10 each.
No, 15.
Don't get me flovent.
It gives me a rash.
Uh, ventolin and aerobid.
Can you give me the address of this place, and I'll put it in my gps? Just, you know, follow paseo de los heroes and look for the horse.
Use your eyes, spoon-fed americana.
Hey, there's $10,000 in it for you if you don't fuck it up.
Ooh, $10,000.
No, no.
Cash on delivery.
That's for the inhalers.
I almost forgot.
We got you a present.
Wait.
What is that? Yo, be gracious when somebody gives you a gift.
No, I don't really do this kind of thing.
That's good luck, man.
Don't fuck with good luck.
Just say, "thank you.
" Well how thoughtful.
And really stuck on there.
Thank you.
Eh, you'll be fine.
Just smile and just act like you do.
And, you know, you're gonna come back, this money's gonna jump into your purse.
- Be a good day for blanca.
- Yeah.
What am I really doing? Oh, no, no, no, no.
The money doesn't like it when you ask questions.
It gets very sad and wants to crawl away.
All right, all right.
Off to mexico.
Iviva zapata! Lenny: I'm gonna be at the track until Just check the monitors, keep an eye on her feeding tube, and check her diaper for deposits.
And roll her in the afternoon.
That's so she doesn't get bedsores.
Few minutes on each side.
It's a shame you boys never got a chance to know her.
But you can blame your mother for that.
- Now, you, alan ladd.
- Shane.
- And klaus.
- Silas.
If either of you boys have any big ideas about going through my things while I'm gone, you can forget it.
It's all rigged to blow your fingers off.
So stay out of my stuff if you ever want to handle your little shmeckies again.
Okay? Now, I don't believe in wireless phones.
So if something goes wrong, you can page me at the track.
And, uh, if she dies on your watch, it's your fault, got it? She does that sometimes.
It's not necessarily bad.
Okay.
- It sounds bad, grandpa lenny.
- It's not.
And when your uncle andrew crawls out of that rattletrap van out there, tell him I expect to be reimbursed for everything he eats and tell him he's a thief and that he still owes me $20,000.
I got to go.
Bye.
You're on first watch.
Doug: Guess who finished the monster po' boy at the gumbo junction.
And it was free 'cause he ate the whole thing in under an hour! People sang and threw beads.
It was awesome.
Why are you here? Where is dean? He's down in the lobby hitting on some frumpy chick who dug him in law school, and he wanted me to let you know he's sorry there's no money for bail.
You fuckers ratted me out.
That might be another reason why he's staying in the lobby.
Where's nancy? Who? That nice widow? She should be in here, not me -- nancy! My cellmate, chita, says that she's gonna make me her special girl.
I have to get out of here now.
It's good to make friends, ceil.
Breach the divide.
"Why can't we all just get along?" I like your hair.
I couldn't decide, but I just did.
I mean, it's nice off her face, isn't it? It's youthful.
My life is in danger.
Oh, come on.
You know, you're probably safer in here than you are in town.
People are outraged, ceil.
You know, your house burned to the ground, but people still spray-painted "hypocrite" in the charred remains.
You have to get me out of here.
This is a nightmare.
And it should be nancy's nightmare, not mine.
She does look scared, doug.
I am, baby.
Mommy is terrified.
Then maybe this is a good time for us to go.
I don't want you getting all upset.
I mean, this must be really hard for you.
- No, no, no.
- Please, please, please.
I don't -- I don't want to be anybody's special girl.
Visitation is over.
Come on.
Help me.
Help mommy.
Hola.
Yo quiero una brake light para this car.
Guillermo.
Una brake-light especial.
¿Habla inglés? S? I need to get my brake light fixed.
Guillermo sent me.
Hybrid, eh? Yeah, hybrid car.
Got to save those fossil fuels -- dead iraqi children.
What's wrong with that car? Broken taillight.
You know, I-I'm still under warranty.
I really don't want to blow that.
So when you're fixing my light, if you can just make sure everything's back where you found it.
Oh, and while you're in there, can you override the thing that stops me from doing gps while I'm driving? - I heard you can do that.
- That's illegal.
What was Guillermo thinking? He thinks with his dick.
She is hot though,isn't she? Una hora, you come back, eh? An hour.
Great.
Oh, I need a bag.
Small planet.
I'm doing my part.
¿Dónde est* la farmacia, por favor? Tell her to go to my cousin's farmacia on Third.
No,no.
Doming's brother's place is cheaper and they have more.
Dominga's brother is unethical.
Are you calling my brother-in-law unethical? That's what I'm telling you,he's unethical.
Why? Fuck you.
Farmacia m*xima.
End of street, red sign, eh? End of street, red sign.
Gracias.
Mucho bueno.
Gracias.
NO APARCAR Andy: 10 minutes.
That's my limit.
After 10 minutes in the same room with him, I want to kill or be killed.
Shane's in there Just staring at bubbie's machines, scared to death she'll kick on his watch.
Lenny's a master at giving kids age-inappropriate tasks.
I'm surprised he didn't have shane drive him to the track.
He says you're a thief.
Who did? Lenny.
He said you stole 20 grand from him.
- And he wants it back.
- Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
You know what? You're better off without a dad.
It fucks you up.
You're better off.
At least you can be your own person now.
I didn't mean that.
I don't mean that.
I like your hair.
I did that, too.
Tried to give myself a mohawk using my mom's lady shaver.
You're damaged.
I was born into it.
Hola.
Oh, terrific.
So, it's done? Finito? Dollars -- for the light.
You're charging me.
Guillermo? So, uh, what do I do now? You go home.
Have a nice day.
Pinwheels! Pinwheels! Miss.
¿Guitarra? - No.
Um, diet coke? - Yeah.
Jarritos.
- diet jarritos? - No.
- Iced latte? - Okay.
I get for you, miss.
- It's $3.
- 3 Do you have change for a $50? ¿Cambio? No.
Nobody have.
How much? - It's two for $30, but for you, $25.
- S? Uh, the, um -- ¿guitarra?Yeah, guitarra.
Do you have a red one? Mellow out, jesus.
Hey, miss.
Una m*s latte, seÑora? Oh, god, no.
No, no m*S.
Um, baÑO.
Is there a baÑo around? Toilet? Oh, no, no.
No baÑO.
But there is a jack in the box on the other side in san ysidro.
Gracias.
Perfecto.
Turn around.
Fine.
Enjoy the show.
Oh, god.
Not you.
Hi, sweetie.
Where are you? I've tried you like 50 times.
Uh, I was in a parking garage.
What is it, honey? Isabel texted me.
- Did you know mrs.
Hodes is in jail? - What? She got busted for a pot house.
Your pot house, mom.
She's ratting you out.
Fuck! Yes, mom.
Fuck.
Okay, honey.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Don't say fuck.
- Are we safe? - Of course we're safe.
- I think we should change our identities.
- Got to go.
Have your passport ready.
Fuck, fufu ck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Man: No passport? I didn't know.
So, what were you doing in mexico? There's this skin cream -- fade cream, actually.
Probably poison, but definitely effective.
You came all the way here for skin cream? Oh, yes.
My skin is very important to me.
It's the first thing people see.
Is that alcohol, ma'am? Uh, no, sir.
That's my urine.
I see.
You mind unlocking your trunk? Okay.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna need you to pull over to the second inspection area.
Doug says everyone fingered celia.
Then he started giggling 'cause he said "fingered," which leads me to believe he's high.
But he's almost always high, so I believe the information is reliable.
There's mom.
How'd it go at the track today, dad? Catch a few winner no?Not one? Shocking.
How many races were there? Nine? Anything? Did you blow the whole $300? I bet your grandpa doesn't have $5 left in his wallet.
Can't pick a winner to save his life.
- August 14th, 1983.
- And away we go.
Kentucky mistress lady's a charm, please pass the salt -- winners.
Not one -- three.
That trifecta was the overlay of the century.
I clocked their workouts for four months.
You clocked your shits for four months.
I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to del mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.
Father of the year.
What the fuck does he do? He pockets it.
Goes out and buys himself some "star trek" piece of shit.
It was boba fett.
I don't even know what that means.
Ganef! I trusted you, and you lied to me.
"Oh, dad, the horse lost.
" They did lose every other time.
You never won.
That trifecta was a fluke.
That's the beauty of gambling.
You lose, you lose, and then you win big to make up for it.
You stole my win-big.
You destroyed the beauty.
What the hell were you doing, sending two kids to the track to place your bets, anyway? - Judah would have never - - the whole thing was judah's idea! Lower your voice.
You'll agitate your bubbie.
Bubbie was in on it, too! She told us we should take your money, we should go down to the boardwalk and have some fun.
"He'll never win," she said.
"He's a schlimazel.
" - She never said such a thing.
- She did! She did.
- Tell him, bubbie.
- Leave her alone.
She's a bag of broccoli.
If judah were alive today - - She's trying to talk.
- If judah were alive today, what? She's trying to talk! Geharget mach.
What did she say? Something about target.
Idiot.
It's yiddish.
She speaks yiddish.
What does it mean? It means "kill me.
" You see what you've done? - Oh, could I just - - stay back behind the line.
Oh, you think there's a tiny, little immigrant stuffed in my lipstick? Joke.
You didn't laugh 'cause I was redundant, right? "Tiny, little.
" Bingo! This one is mine, boys.
Would you like to explain to me why you have drugs hidden in your vehicle? Welcome back, blanca.
Took you a while.
I see you got some souvenirs.
They tore the car apart, couldn't find anything.
Your guys are good.
Good at what? They're in the engine.
Am I right? What's in the engine? The drugs.
Who said anything about drugs, man? Where are my inhalers? Uh, oh, right.
The inhalers.
They were confiscated.
Apparently, I needed a prescription.
You buy a prescription for 10 bucks from the guy in the farmacia.
I ask you for one thing.
You know how much a ventolin costs here? Shit! Mira.
What? It's a camera, like "taxicab confession.
" This was to see how you did with the border cops.
We're gonna do postgame later.
You were recording me? Edit down a highlight reel.
No, wait, wait.
You were recording me, and there's no drugs? The car was clean? It kind of smells like pee.
So, what, you're just fucking with me? This is bullshit.
You think those guys who flew into the towers -- that was their first time on an airplane, huh? It's practice.
Go home and think about what you did wrong.
Tomorrow, we review the tape.
Do I get paid for that, too? You lucky you getting half.
You lost my inhalers.
I think I'm starting to believe you.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode02