Weeds s04e04 Episode Script

The Three Coolers

Previously on "weeds" please don't put me back in jail.
I want to know where nancy botwin is.
I can do that.
I want to know how she knows this man, when they met,and who introduced them.
Oh,shit.
Learned all you need? You want to make a real run? Let's go next door to the pet store -- la tienda de mascotas.
We researched the insurance policies on the municipal buildings.
There are several discrepancies.
Adiós,buddy.
How'd it go at the track today,dad? Catch a few winners? No? Not one? Anything? Shocking.
Geharget mach.
- What did she say? - "Kill me.
" What do you want me to say? That I want to kill my mother? That I want her dead? - I wish this would all go away? - Yeah.
We decided it'd be best to pull the plug,though,and let her rest in peace.
That's it.
She's still breathing.
Shane get mommy a pillow.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode04 Isn't that a fire hazard? It's on a dish.
What if there's an earthquake? Well,I think the odds are in your favor that two houses you live in won't burn down although your mother is a wild card.
Could we all settle down and honor the dead a little here? - Did she leave a will? - Yeah.
Everything's mine.
Okay.
Let's take off our shoes and sit and pay respect to a courageous woman who escaped the clutches of adolf hitler to live a long,productive life only to be snuffed out by a hypoallergenic pillow from bed bath & beyond.
Sit.
Now what? Now we remember.
Soon we'll eat.
And then we'll remember more.
How come we never did this for dad? Mommy was too sedated to think of it.
How long do we sit and remember and occasionally break for snacks? Seven days.
You're kidding,right? Shane,make sure the front door is left open.
During shivah,people usually come by,and they'll bring food and pay their respects.
How is it that all jews aren't morbidly obese? Everything revolves around food.
So sorry for your loss.
Bob warden,beachfront realty.
DAY TWO This is from my mom.
That's so generous.
She owns a cheese store.
Rad,honey,take off your skatey wheely thingies.
What's up,dude? Please get out of my house.
DAY THREE Hello.
I'm katie thatcher.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
She was a lovely woman.
Shit.
Katie.
Bob.
DAY FOUR Hi,kids.
What's going on? Some sort of séance? They're bullshit but fun.
we're sitting shivah for bubbie.
Doug? Andy said it'd be cool if I crashed.
- Who the fuck are you? - Doug wilson.
- Who the fuck are you? - Lenny botwin.
I own the house.
I don't think it's gonna be cool if you crash.
I got the entire town of majestic up in my grill,nance.
I need somewhere to lay low.
I can sleep in my minivan.
I just need a place to bust out my nug nugs.
Who are you to tell him he could stay here? - He's my friend.
- Yeah,my mother died.
My grandmother died.
- Putz! - Asshole.
Humboldt fog.
Nice.
- So,how'd grandma die? - Mom killed her.
DAY FIVE You're grotesque.
The jackpot's up to $350 million,so mind your own fucking business.
Shivah goy quik mart up the street.
They're her holocaust numbers.
Hey,man.
They're obviously lucky.
She survived.
What the fuck is that? NANCY--- GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK.
GUILLERMO Oh,yeah.
They're from a friend of mine.
DAY SIX A6 DAY SEVEN Attention,beloved mixed-marriage family.
Shivah is over.
And this house is now for sale.
So,unless you're in a position to pay me $1.
5 million, I suggest you find alternate accommodations immediately.
Where are we gonna live? Apparently that's of no concern to your loving grandfather.
This house should stay in the family.
Tell you what -- for you,I'm gonna knock off 100 grand, because I won't have to pay the broker's commission.
That's a good deal.
I want to stay.
I'm not leaving.
Fine.
It'll add to the value of the house.
Three bedrooms,two baths,and a little boy.
I can sell it to a priest.
Hey,you guys could stay in my minivan.
I got to get my own place.
I said I'm not leaving.
I heard you,shane.
I get it.
We'll be back later.
- Another bed skirt? - Dust ruffle.
I just wanted to say it's been an amazing experience to have been here with you for the last few days.
I mean,your mother -- well,she seemed like an extraordinary woman.
Bob,I'm touched by your outpouring of emotion.
And I think bubbie would have been,too.
Thank you.
But I'm gonna go with the hot chick who walked in here on tuesday.
You're a piece of shit.
- Who's there? - Nancy.
We used to have a nancy.
She was a good worker.
But she stopped showing up,and we had to kill her.
Seven days cooped up with the family felt like death.
Damn! If I had to sit home for seven days every time a family member dropped dead, I'd never leave the fucking house.
Thanks for the flowers.
You're really not supposed to send flowers to a jewish funeral -- shivah whatever.
Still very thoughtful.
I had to smother a guy with a pillow once,too.
My arms got tired.
You? Not so much.
It was tempur-pedic.
Conformed to her face.
Tempur-pedic.
Got to remember that.
- Am I going on a picnic? - Maybe.
Depends on which one you pick.
I choose one of these? Like "deal or no deal.
" Except here you got to choose,so it's more like "deal or deal," and there ain't those leggy chicas with suitcases you want to fuck in the mouth.
Red or blue.
But be careful.
One of them is very dangerous.
Open it.
There's a gun in here.
And a juice box.
And $5,000.
And another $5,000 after you come back.
What do I need a gun for? You're going to the desert.
They got rattlesnakes.
Maybe the chupacabra.
This makes me nervous.
It's just a pickup.
You don't even have to cross the border.
You just sit in your car,and mexico comes to you.
I want $15,000.
You chose the red.
Red pays $10,000.
This is the same address.
It's the same thing.
Ah,but no juice box.
So,I figure we'll ask for $2,000,000 and settle for $1.
5 I'm thinking we ask for Oh,that's insane.
We're a block from the beach.
There's a charter school right down the street.
There's not a schvartze in sight.
There's a recession,the banks aren't lending money, and when the banks aren't lending money,people aren't buying.
What about the chinese? They're loaded.
They prefer orange county.
Jesus christ.
I got a $1,100,000 borrowed against this place.
Well,if you want to sit on it for a couple of years,I'm sure the market will bounce back.
Well,with all due respect,fuck you.
I'm gonna go with bob warden.
He'll tell you the same thing.
And his tits won't get you an extra 50k at closing.
You want to have dinner later? I'll be in touch,mr.
Botwin.
That's a no? The banks aren't lending.
How do they know how much all this stuff is worth? Well,they break it up into categories.
Yellow is dreck,green is crap,blue is shit.
Here.
- Come and help me.
- With what? - A treasure hunt.
- Cool.
I found nancy.
And she was with guillermo.
They talked,and then he left,and then she didn't leave the house the whole week.
It was weird.
There was this strange meeting.
I think she's more powerful than we think.
People came with food.
They took off their shoes.
See? Look.
That's doug wilson.
She's getting her crew back together.
So,what do you make of all of this? I make that someone jewish died and that you're no diane arbus.
This is new to me,okay? I mean,I am taking pictures with a plastic camera.
I'm trying.
Guillermo garcia gomez.
I told you.
I saw them together.
He was driving her prius.
So,what do we got here -- she's sitting shivah,and he's environmentally sensitive? Boffo work,agent hodes.
You miss wearing orange? No,I just -- I need more time.
Please? - Sing with me.
- What? Sing with me,and I'll give you more time.
Going once * you are an obsession I cannot sleep * * I am a possession unopened at your feet * * there is no balance no equality * * be still I will not accept defeat * Sowhat do you guys think? - Awesome.
- Legendary.
I can't feel my left anything.
I have a son your age.
Handsome,lean,bright-eyed.
You suck dick,silas? No,I don't,mr.
Wilson.
- Well,he does.
- Well,that's his choice,isn't it? Nope.
My fault.
I made him gay.
My wife -- gone.
Also my fault.
Warts -- not gone.
Technically my fault.
City of majestic -- broke.
Cpa license -- revoked I assume.
Didn't check.
My life -- an abyss.
Can you use the downstairs toilet from now on,mr.
Wilson? Kick a man while he's down.
No,really.
Use the downstairs toilet.
You think you're better than me,botwin,'cause your van has no windows? Doug that's a window.
A window to what,andy? Look at us.
Purposeless,directionless,homeless just less.
Do you suck dick,silas? You asked me that already,mr.
Wilson.
Oh,right.
Right.
Do you like the taste? I hate to interrupt this,uh,think tank.
- Andy,I need you.
- I'm toasted.
There's no math involved.
Come on.
Hurry up.
You suck dick,silas? What if there's no money? There's money,believe me.
Bubbie was convinced the nazis were gonna rise again.
So,when she got too old to potentially schtupp her way out of a camp, she started hoarding money for bribes.
- That's crazy.
- That's not crazy at all.
Listen,genocide can happen again if we're not vigilant.
It must never happen again.
- It has happened again.
- What are you talking about? Genocide.
In rwanda,cambodia,bosnia.
No,no.
To jews.
It must never happen again to jews.
What do I give a shit about the other places? Jackpot! Good old jewish paranoia.
The trick is making it work for you.
Looks like 15 dimes in here.
How would bubbie have gotten up there? Money's probably been up there for decades.
Well,this bill's from 2004.
So? She wasn't even bedridden till 2006.
Listen,she was a very spry woman in her day.
This one's from 2007.
What are you -- the money detective? Give me that.
I don't think that's bubbie's money.
I think it's my mom'S.
Why would your mom have $15,000 in cash hidden in a hatbox? What did she do? She found it.
What are we supposed to be waiting for? No idea.
How will we know when it arrives? We'll know.
Forecast number 11.
- I saw someone following us.
- Nobody was following us.
- I saw headlights.
- Those are fireflies.
- There's no fireflies in california.
- You're fucked up on silas' weed.
- It's good weed.
- I'm so proud.
Oh,fuck! Oh,fuck! God damn it! Oh,god,we're so out of here! Start the car.
Calm down.
What if it wasn't a lizard? What if it's a fucking alien? I'm all fucked up.
- Take me home.
- I can't take you home.
Why didn't you bring more snacks? Such a good idea bringing you.
- Calm the fuck down,or I'll shoot you.
- All right! All right.
Lost my cool.
Bringing it back in.
Oh,god! Under control.
Under control.
Drug-smuggling badass waiting for don't know what in the middle of,uh don't know where,with a gun.
Starting to freak out again.
- It's time to freak out again.
- Andy! Where did your mother get this money? I told you -- she found it.
- You're lying.
- I'm not.
- Is your mother a prostitute? - No.
She wears those dresses all the time and keeps odd hours and deals in cash.
What happened to all the cheese? Is that her pimp? My mom is not a prostitute.
Well,she's definitely a criminal of some kind.
- Did she rob a bank? - No.
- A costco? - No.
Is she a coke dealer? no.
What happened to all the cheese? Weed! Your mother's a weed dealer.
Give me back her money.
Are we gonna die tonight? Probably not.
Still,we could.
Let's say thoughtful things about each other.
You're a good person.
You've really stepped up for the kids.
You make me lgh.
I'm glad you're a part of the family.
I miss yael.
Thank you,andy.
That's very sweet.
She might have been the one.
There is no "one," andy.
We're all alone.
You're saying judah wasn't the one? He died.
I'm still here.
Holy shit.
Oh,holy shit.
Um,that can't be good.
It looks like the border patrol or the police.
- Oh,shit.
- Or the army.
Shit! What do we do now? What do we do? What do we do? don't enjoy this.
No,no.
I know -- get a room.
We're moving on.
Identificación? Honey,are we in tijuana? I told you to take a left.
Mujeres,huh? Andy they like to be bribed.
It's a cultural thing.
- He won't take offense.
- Andy,shut it.
Kiss me again.
- What was that? - I don't know.
What was the wave? Oh,god.
- Is that,um - oh,yeah.
Shit.
That's a lot of product.
Hey,I'm in a prius.
These are police running drugs.
It's so corrupt.
We got to move to mexico.
It was eerie.
Mom lifted up the pillow,and all of a sudden,there was no noise.
It was just a body there not a person.
And I kept thinking,"I should be feeling something right now.
" But I didn't -- I didn't know her,you know? I didn't -- I didn't know her,so I shouldn't feel bad about it.
Right? Check it out.
Some asshole's van is getting towed.
What? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My plants! What is all this noise? Our grow house just got towed.
It's a whole operation.
Fuck my carbon footprint.
I want my S.
U.
V.
Back.
Wait.
Wait.
Um,where do I sit? Right here.
On this cooler.
I'll be back in 45 minutes.
You're gonna leave me here in the middle of the desert? - No,don'T.
- Yes.
No.
No.
Leave one of the bags here,and then we'll come back and get it later.
No fucking way.
It might not be here when we get back.
I'm not telling guillermo I lost $50,000 worth of his drugs.
What am I gonna eat? What am I gonna drink? It's 45 minutes! I'm scared.
Here.
Here.
I'm still scared.
- I get it now.
- You wht at? Why women tolerate you.
You kiss well.
- Really? - Really.
Better than judah? Stay right there.
Uh,my car was towed.
I'm here to pick it up.
Make,model,and color? It's a van -- over there.
You know,you can't park on ocean unless you have a sticker.
- Good to know.
- Yeah.
So,how much? If you don't have a sticker,I'm supposed to call the cops.
Oh,you don't have to do that.
Can -- can we -- can we work this out? I drive my little brother's car pool to school every day.
I -- I need my van.
So,uh,where do the kids sit with all the pot in the back? Look,man,what's it gonna take? Hey,weiner.
What's it gonna take? Uh,about 4 ounces.
- Shit.
- Great shit.
Seriously,kid,you got a gift.
Where are you going? Paris.
If I can get to the aviation club by tomorrow night, there's a super satellite for the world poker tour.
You can't take mom's money.
It's my money.
No,it's not.
It's mom'S.
And she's gonna be pissed if you take it.
Well,you tell her to consider it first month's rent.
Also,tell her I expect 10 grand to be made by direct deposit on the first of every month to my pokerstars account.
Here.
I wrote this down.
"Botwinbig"? Yeah.
My screen name.
That's all you need.
When are you coming back? The minute not-francie misses a payment.
You tell her that,too.
Uncle andy was right.
You're an asshole.
Oh,I'm an asshole,and I'm a shit.
But let me tell you something,shmendrick.
There's a lesson in this for you.
- You know what it is? - Yeah.
You're an asshole.
Yeah,besides that.
Sometimes life throws you unexpected surprises.
You go looking for something,you find something else.
Your mother taking out my mother -- it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
You know why? Because bubbie was my fucking cooler.
I got to get out of this place.
I've been here too long.
You and your drug-dealing mommy -- you can stay here and float me till the market comes back.
Real estate always bounces back.
It's like spaldeens.
You know what spaldeens are? Well,they bounce.
Anyway,wish me luck,although I don't think I'm gonna need it.
And,uh,let me give you some grandfatherly advice.
Don't ever play poker.
You with the pa-pa-de-de-de -- you're a giant tell.
All right,kid.
Take care.
It's nancy.
Leave me a message.
It's nancy.
Leave me a message.
It's nancy.
Leave me a message.
Hola.
- Policía? - No.
Amigo.
Est* bien.
- How's it going? - What's up? Hello.
- Hello.
- Hola.
Uh,you guys heading towards,uh ren mar? Davenport.
Iowa.
Close enough.
The tijuana police? Shocking,ain't it? And you couldn't have lent me a bigger car? I drove with a duffel of marijuana in my passenger seat.
What if I'd been pulled over? Take it down a peg,chiquita.
You're here.
It's all good.
- Yeah,another test.
- Life is a test.
Oh,enough philosopher king bullshit.
Money,please.
- What is this? - It's a promotion.
Another run? - Those won't start a car.
- What will they start? Meet me this afternoon by the border at the outlet mall.
Clocking out,boss.
Who is this bitch? We caught her outside listening.
She had a camera.
The lady was taking pictures.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode04