Weird City (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

The One

1 (THEME MUSIC) (HIP-HOP MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS THUDDING SOFTLY) Hey, uh, Steffi, what time is it? (STEFFI, ELECTRONIC VOICE): Hello, Stu.
It is 6:04 PM.
Shit.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - I'm so tired of truffles.
- Me too.
I hear they have great food vehicles Below The Line but I'm simply too scared to go down there.
(PRETENTIOUS LAUGHTER) (STEFFI): You Must Eat Here.
Three Stars.
Reminder: as a resident of Above the Line you must eat here by end of month.
Okay, we've got the Belgian Long Grain Wheat Quintuple IPA.
Don't mind if I do! (BREATHES IN) - Creamy nose feel, you know.
- Nice.
And a Pumpkin Saffron Super Double Triple IPA.
Boom.
And who is the lager in a bottle for? That's my buddy.
Sorry.
He's always late.
Had to dig way back in the cooler for this.
Didn't even know we had them anymore.
Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else? Hey! Whoa, whoa! We're both happily married! Easy now! (CHUCKLING) - That's great! - Yeah.
- Dewis! - Stu! - Whaddup, bro! - Whaddup?! (EXCLAMATIONS, BEEPING NOISES) Stu, Pobby.
Pobby, Stu.
- Nice to meet you, bro.
- Good to meet you, bro.
Sorry I'm late.
You know what? I hear you're always late.
Hey! Ah, guilty.
Oh, jeez, you had it! Thank you.
How do you drink that stuff? Hm.
Love this stuff.
Just grew up on it, you know.
"Lay-ger".
- That's rough.
- Yeah.
Stu, any dates this week, man? No none this week.
Actually, I haven't had one since last month.
Dates? You weren't assigned at birth? Why? Oh, Stu grew up Below The Line.
- Oh shit.
- Yeah.
Nobody Below The Line gets assigned.
You have to date.
But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.
The UnAppetizer? Yeah.
So she made a whole bunch of money, we moved Above The Line.
I was already 18 by then, so I still gotta date.
Dude, I love The UnAppetizer.
- Everybody does.
- Hold on, I'm getting something here.
Steffi? (STEFFI): Hello, Pobby.
What can I do for you? Launch UnAppetizer.
UnAppetizer recommends deleting Meet-Me-Sex-Me as you are now married.
It also recommends deleting Where-See-Movie-At as all movies are available on me.
It recommends deleting Get-Buff-Quick as you have clearly given up.
Oh Man, that's crazy.
You know, the dating world.
I feel like I just did my assigned hook ups after college, and then did a little Meet-Me-Sex-Me, and then, I married Nachel and It's good.
It is good.
Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.
I don't know, I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.
Sorry to interrupt but I was eavesdropping.
Have you tried The One That's The One? Uh no.
No.
What is The One That's The One? A dating site.
It's called The One That's The One because it promises, 100% guaranteed, to send you The One That's The One.
The perfect person for you.
Oh.
That's how I met my wife, Mequela.
How do you spell that? - M, Q, ampersand, laaaaaaa.
- Hm.
- Old school spelling.
- Nice.
You haven't seen the commercial? - No.
- Here.
Do you work for the company? I'm still waiting to hear back.
Oh Grew up Below The Line? Sick of your mandated mate? Looking for someone, but coming up with none? Just plain tired of the dating scene? Well, try The One That's The One! At Negari Labs, we used a combination of specific questions combined with DNA testing to assure that you get your perfect match! Our city's prized scientist, Dr.
Negari, has developed an algorithm that promises to send you not just anyone, but The One That's The One.
It even worked for me! Get outta here you dotty old lovebirds! Come on down to Negari Labs today, and find your The One That's The One! Get outta here! I'm dancing.
Huh.
- Stu? Stu Maxsome? - Yes.
Oh, hey, it's you.
From the commercial.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Follow me.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
At first, I though: no way! No way am I gonna do that.
I mean, I don't know, isn't that like, uh, I don't know, me doing One That's The One, isn't that like someone from Above The Line being assigned? Yeah, it is! And then, I thought: Well, I'm Above The Line now, maybe I should do it.
Also, I was just sort of depressed.
My mom has been really hard on me about finding somebody.
- Not crazy, though.
She's really sweet.
- I can tell you're nervous.
Just relax, I assure you'll be satisfied with our service.
Yeah Okay.
So, as the machine extracts and scans your DNA, - I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
- Sure.
The results of these two tests will give us the information we need to find your One That's The One.
- Great.
- All that matters is that you answer honestly.
- Sure.
- Okay.
Ahem.
What is your favorite number? Three.
No, eight.
It's okay, the questions can be a little awkward.
- Just answer honestly.
- Okay.
What is your favorite number? - Four.
- Good.
- What is your favorite food? - Pepperoni pizza.
Me too! Okay, next question.
You're in the desert walking in the sand when all of a sudden, you look down, you see a tortoise crawling towards you.
You reach down and flip it over on its back.
- Oh.
- The tortoise lays there on its back, its belly baking in the sun, its legs flailing.
It can't turn itself over without your help.
But you're not helping.
Why is that? Oh I don't know.
I feel like I'd probably help.
Huh.
Is it You meet someone that reminds you of someone you just saw in a commercial.
He denies being that person.
What do you do? - And sign here.
- Okay.
- Great.
And that's 82 credits.
- Okay.
(DING!) - Okay.
- Congratulations.
Dr.
Negari will enter all your information into the algorithm and your One That's The One will arrive at your home tonight exactly at midnight.
Oh, midnight.
Okay.
For dramatic effect.
All right.
Ha.
and find your One That's The One! I'll see ya! Good night! (SOFT MUSIC) (SIGHING) Hi, I'm Stu.
Hi! I'm Stu.
Mm! Tsk.
(SIGHING) (DOORBELL RINGING) - (STEFFI): You have a visitor.
- But I'm coming! Hi.
Hi.
Can I help you? Uh I'm Burt Uh I'm your One That's The One.
Are you? Oh, don't come in.
Uh, no.
I'm sorry.
That's That's just, that's ridiculous.
You can't be my One That's The One.
No, of course not.
I mean And I apologize for asking you this - Are you a homosexual? - No.
- Well, neither am I! - Right.
See? Okay, so clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess so.
I want my money back.
No offense.
Hey! None taken.
(SIGHING) Man! Ah, don't take it so hard, buddy.
No, it's just I don't know, sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.
Just It sucks.
Sucks to be born Below The Line.
Where? What neighborhood? Hallubeck Heights, right by Ooscar and Benowen.
I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.
- No way! - God, I was happy for that.
Tell me about it, huh? (LAUGHTER) Well, it was nice meeting you all the same.
Burt Chund.
Hey, yeah, you too.
Stu Maxsome.
You know, honestly, I'm just I'm glad someone finally showed up.
It got to be 12:15 and I was thinking no one was coming.
I'm sorry about that.
I'm always late.
- Something I should work on.
- No, don't think twice about it.
Well, hey, listen, I got kinda hungry, I was actually gonna grab some food.
I don't know, you wanna come? - I could eat.
- Yeah? - You ever go to Al's? - Al's Diner? Below The Line? Love that place! (ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA): Be careful proceeding below the line.
Reason for going Below The Line? - Gonna get diner food.
- Gross.
Normally I don't love patting people down, but when they got muscles like you, I don't mind so much.
I'm glad I could make your night better.
- Ha! - Okay, let's go.
Right behind ya! Bye.
(DEVILISH LAUGHTER) (SIGHING) I love when they're gonna blow the door off that armored car.
Oh, yes, yes! And they decide not to.
- It blows up anyway! - Yes, right.
I love that show.
Hey, Al.
What do you want? - Egg-white omelet - Egg-white omelet Oh.
Uh, egg-white omelet.
But could you fry the yolks and put them on the side? What? No way! That's my order.
I mean, that's literally what I order.
That's so funny.
'Cause I like the yolks, but - Separate! - Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna do the same.
Okay.
- What are the odds? - It's unbelievable! (LAUGHTER) but then, my wife passed away.
- Oh.
I'm sorry about that.
- It's okay.
It was a long time ago.
- I got this.
- Oh, no, come on, let me get it.
- No.
No, I got it.
- No, please.
I invited you, let me just Hey.
Hey, hey.
No, no, I got it.
I got it.
Alright.
Thank you.
(DING!) - Well, that was fun.
- Yeah, that was a blast.
And look, if I ever need a new car, I know who to call, right? Please.
My days on the floor are over.
I'm a desk jockey now.
- Listen, I'm back this way actually, so - Oh.
Well See you around? Oh, I I'm sorry, I didn't No, it's weird that I went for the hug.
Take it easy.
- Yep! Bye! - Yes.
(SOFT MUSIC) Hello? Hello-o-o?! - (SOFT SNORING) - Hello? (SOFTLY): Dr.
Negari? - Hello?! - (SCREAMING) - (BOTH SCREAMING) - (ALL THREE SCREAMING) - Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - Whoa, wait! (WHOOSHING, THUDDING) Well, I guess he didn't want to give us our money back.
Yeah, I guess not.
Good to see ya.
What are you doing? Wanna get lunch or something? Well, I had some work to do, but Do you like grilled cheese? (PANTING) That was crazy.
- Had no idea that was gonna happen.
- Me neither.
Well Maybe some idea.
- Did you still want that grilled cheese? - Nope.
I don't even like grilled cheese.
- I'm lactose intolerant.
- Stop! You dog! (CHUCKLING) (BIRDSONG) (CHEERFUL POP SONG) (NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (BARKING) (POP MUSIC CONTINUES) I can't believe I'm gonna meet your parents.
- Do I look okay? - Stop it.
You look great.
- You like my sweater vest? - Yes, I love it! It's very dignified.
Dignified.
But its main purpose is to hold my stomach in.
Hey! I love that stomach.
That's my stomach.
Come on.
- Stu! - Hey! There they are! - Hi, guys! - Good to see you! Mom, Dad, this is Burt.
Hi, I'm Ron.
Very nice to meet you, Mr.
Chund.
Call me Burt.
My father was Mr.
Chund.
(LAUGHTER) He's as witty as you said, Stu! I'm Linda.
Enchanté.
Ooh, bonjour.
(LAUGHING) Okay, dear.
Yeah, take it easy, Mom.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh, I love that song! - Hey, let's sing it! Whoa-oh-h, cha-cha! Please Mr.
Line Guard Man - Don't check my bag-ah - Don't check my bag-ah! Oh, I loved Marlo Umfree.
I saw him live 17 times.
- Whoa! - Stu, you sure know how to choose 'em.
Thanks, Dad.
I was kinda nervous that you guys would be I don't know, upset about his age.
- Oh! - You kidding me? You've given us another old fogy to talk about the good old days with.
Oh, hey, Linda, Stu mentioned you liked owls, and so, I picked one up for you.
- I hope you like it.
- Burt! Oh, that's so sweet! - (GASPING): Oh! - Wow! Oh! A mechanical owl! It's beautiful! Oh, it'll look perfect with my collection.
Thank you.
- Are you guys staying for dinner? - Please! - Dinner? - Yeah! - Sure, thank you.
- Yay! - Jesus.
I'm nervous.
Sweating.
- Don't be.
They're great kids.
Besides, this is different from me meeting your parents.
These are my kids, and if they don't like you, I'll tell them they have to.
I just feel like they'll be comparing me to their mother.
Stu, listen.
Martha was a wonderful woman, and when she passed away, none of our lives were the same.
But these are good kids.
They want to see their dad happy.
Kids! There they are! - Plisa, this is Stu.
- Hi.
- Hi! Nice to meet you.
- You too! Dad, you didn't tell me he was super hot.
I wanted to surprise you.
- Booj, this is Stu.
- Booj, how are you? Forget this! I'll be in the backyard.
- Sorry.
He's just adjusting.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
Actually, no, you know what? Let me go talk to him.
(CREAKING) Hey, bud.
Hey.
You're, uh You're pretty great on that thing.
Hey, you, uh - (TOY BEEPING) - You like Safeball? Yeah.
I guess.
Why don't you go long? Come on! - (BOOJ SIGHING) - It'll be fun.
There you go.
Get out there.
You play in high school? Yeah.
I played at Central Awards.
Hey, I played at Highland Awards.
Man, you Above the Line guys always kicked our butts.
(TOY BEEPING) Listen, how you holding up? It's just, you're not my mom.
Hey, hey, I totally get that.
Alright? I don't want to be your mom.
Look, I couldn't be.
From what your dad says, she was one of a kind.
Yeah, she-she was.
But I mean, that's not everything.
Come on, champ, you can tell me.
After Mom died, I just got really depressed.
So then, eventually, my assigned mate Filed for unassignment.
Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending machines? No.
That's what my sister did.
I don't know, I feel like I should maybe try to just figure it out for myself.
Listen.
Hey, it's okay.
Look at me.
You don't think I was scared getting into this with your dad? I was terrified.
He's a big man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, listen, if there's one thing that I can tell you, it's that anything, anything, can be overcome with a little bit of courage.
And I know you got some of that.
Right? You just gotta find it.
Where is it? Huh? Is it there? - No.
- No? Right over there? - No.
- Where is it? Where's that courage? - Not there.
- Yeah, where is it? Come on! - It's right here.
- Yeah! That's where it is.
There's my big guy.
You alright? Come here.
Thanks, Stu.
(SOFT MUSIC) Hey, Egg White, when you gonna finish that up and give your old man a back rub? Why am I the one decorating this tree, and why am I the one giving the back rubs? - (CHUCKLING) - (DOORBELL RINGING) - Who could that be at this time? - (STEFFI): You have a visitor.
Come on in! You? That's the guy from The One That's The One commercial? No, I'm the technician from Negari Labs.
- Same guy.
- I assure you I'm not.
- Huh - What is with this - Mr.
Chund.
Mr.
Maxsome.
- We're both Mr.
Maxsome now.
Oh.
Well, I don't normally make house calls, but this is a special situation.
You see, when Dr.
Negari computed your input at The One That's The One, he made a mistake.
He forgot to carry the one.
You are not each other's One That's The One.
But we've been together for a year.
Yeah, I mean, we're married.
I can't apologize enough.
It's the first mistake in the history of The One That's The One.
Mr.
Maxsome.
This is your One That's The One.
Oh Mr Maxsome.
This is yours.
- Al from the diner? - Yes.
- It's still a dude? - Yes.
Huh.
We should have connected you two.
Al got so lonely, he relocated to Irmingblam.
- Irmingblam's horrible this time of year.
- So humid.
Listen, we don't care what you say, okay? We're satisfied with these results.
We really love one another.
We're happy.
I understand that.
But you can't argue the science.
Forget the science.
We work.
I mean, we may contradict some data, but why would that matter? I'm afraid this is about more than just you two.
Dr.
Negari? Were you waiting out by the entrance way all this time? Why didn't you just walk in? I don't know.
- That's really weird.
- That's your opinion.
You see, the upper classes are assigned mates at birth to preserve order.
There is much more at stake here than just your relationship.
Order is the foundation of our community Above The Line.
You two have been mandated for separation.
What?! No.
No way are we separating.
You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.
In the fine print it says that in the event of a mistake, separation is legally required.
- Who's gonna make us? - Yeah? I am.
Actually, those two will, but because I tell them to.
Were you two out here this whole time? Yeah, again, just super weird.
How many more people are in the house? Shut up.
You have two hours to separate.
Two hours? - Two hours.
- Yeah, I got it.
Well, that's everything.
(WHISPERING): You want to try to take these guys out? I'm going to miss you so much.
(WHISPERING): They're armed.
We can't take them.
(GUARDS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) - This could've been great.
- It was great! Hey, I know.
Come here.
Shh.
- Did you get your pod ticket? - Yep.
Leaving for Irmingblam 10 pm, Thursday.
(NOTIFICATION CHIME) Oh My Car Homie is here, so I gotta go.
Bye, Burt.
Good luck in Irmingblam.
Goodbye Egg White.
(NOSTALGIC MUSIC) (BIRDSONG) (SOFT ROCK MUSIC) So, did you notice that I get my egg whites, right? But then, I get the yolks on the side.
Why would you do that? 'Cause I don't like them with the egg whites, so If you aim to find another I'd rather be lonely any day I'd rather be alone I can only count the hours Of the good times we had So you know I don't consider the bad so bad If you aim to find another Oh can't you hear me when I say Whoa, whoa! Whoa, what are you doing? Uh Nothing.
Nothing, I'm doing nothing.
And I should be doing something.
Burt! Burt! Burt! I'm not here to change your foolish disposition baby - We've been here before - Ah - A million times or more - Ah Burt! Burt! Burt! Wait! Burt, wait! (WHOOSHING) (PANTING) Why am I always late? (BURT): Good thing I'm always late too.
(GRUNTING) - Screw science.
- Yeah, screw science.
(CHEERFUL POP MUSIC) (SOBBING) (BARKING) Please, step forward.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BEEPING) You know, I think we're gonna like it here.
Me too, Egg White.
(DOGS BARKING IN THE DISTANCE) You know what? I want to try something.
It's silly, but let me try.
- Ooh! Carry me to the threshold? - Yeah, yeah.
No, that'll be cute.
Yeah, I like this.
- (GRUNTING) - There we go.
- Ah! Nah.
- No? No? - Better walk.
- Walk.
Let's walk in.
- Yeah.
- All right (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)