Weird City (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

A Family

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (CLEARING THROAT) Pretty soon, I was drinking PEJ all day long.
I'd take a bottle to bed with me at night.
Next day, I'd have a purple mattress from pissing PEJ in the middle of the night.
When I finally admitted I was powerless over PEJ, things changed.
Sure, I still fantasize about pounding some PEJ after work.
But my life is better now.
Okay, who wants to talk next? - Fine.
- Thanks, Chuch.
Hi, everybody.
My name's Tawny Clem.
You all know that.
Well, as you know, I didn't actually drink that much Pomegranate Electrolyte Juice, or PEJ as you call it.
I just I think kinda nasty.
But I still think of myself as a PEJ addict.
I just never fit anywhere like I do here with you guys.
I love you.
You're my family.
This is who I am.
Plus my dad loves his PEJ.
And his stupid wife that's not my mom.
So I totally identify with the emotions you guys are feeling and shit like that.
Anyway, I've been having a really rough week.
I think I might've partially broken my foot this morning.
(SIGHING) (SNIFFING) - Hey, Tawny.
- Hey, Chuch! Did you see my new vaporizer?! It's just like yours.
That's why I got it.
I'm just like you.
Anyway, uh, Tawny The group asked me to speak to you.
Oh, great.
Did they want to elect me group leader? Uh, no, Tawny.
We The group Would like it if you didn't come back.
- What? - Yeah, it's just that It sounds like you never really had an addiction to PEJ.
And you raise your hand every meeting.
Several times.
And you talk for a really long time.
And you keep referring to us as your family.
You're just kind of generally creeping everybody out.
Yeah We just really feel like you shouldn't come back.
But you guys always say anyone is welcome! It's your group slogan.
Well Anyone but you, Tawny.
Ew! How could you ever get addicted to this?! It's gross! Whoops.
Thirty-second rule.
Check this data and get it back to me by 3:00.
Oh, hey, boss.
I'm kinda focused on my invention right now.
Tawny, I've talked to you about your "inventions.
" When you're on the clock, you do the work I tell you to.
So this one is a terrarium for worms.
Oh! - That's disgusting, Tawny.
- You see, worms aerate soil, making it better for growing fruits and vegetables.
But I figured: Why not cut out the middleman, eat the worms? I don't care, Tawny.
Just check the data.
I'm having kind of a rough week.
I don't want to hear about your week either, Tawny.
But it's been really rough! By 3:00, Tawny.
Hey, Tawny, did you check that data? Oh, hey, boss.
Tawny, I said by 3:00.
It's 3:15.
Oh, yeah, that.
I've just been having kinda a really rough week.
I got kicked out of my 12-step group.
And they were my best friends.
Plus I really need to focus on my inventions right now since that's what I really am, an inventor.
You're fired, Tawny.
You have till 4:00 to pack up and get out.
Oh, of course! You're just like my dad! I guess I was never meant to be a data checker! I guess that's not who I am, either! - Out by 4:00, Tawny.
- I hate you!! (LAUGHING) Ridiculous.
How is that legal? (FAINT BUZZING) (INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT) - Sorry, Dward.
- No problem.
You won't be seeing as much of me, Dward.
My 12-step group kicked me out and I got fired from my job, so I won't be coming Below the Line much anymore.
It's been a terrible week.
I'll miss you.
Next! I'll miss you too, O'Shell.
She's making me go.
(BEEPING) Steffi.
Hi, Tawny.
How can I help you this afternoon? How are you, Steffi? Fine, Tawny.
How can I help you? Um call Dad, I guess.
I didn't understand "Carlsbad yes.
" - Call Dad! - Calling Dad.
(DAD): Hey, Tawny.
How's it going, champ? Oh, hey, Dad.
Not so great.
- And what is it this time? - Well It's been a real rough week.
Um you know that job I had? I got fired.
Are you kidding me? That Below the Line office job? How the hell did you manage to do that? I need you to transfer me more credits.
Seriously? You are 30 years old.
I can't keep supporting you.
Please, Dad, it's just this has been such a rough week.
Every time I give you credits, you spend it on something sweet or some useless invention.
Have you ever thought about worm soil aeration? No, I have never thought about that and I cannot give you any more credits.
Oh, come on, Dad! Just please just send me some more money! I'm.
A really.
Plus I got kicked out of my Pomegranate Electrolyte Juice 12-step addiction group! And they were my best friends.
You don't even like PEJ! What the hell were you doing in that group? Shut up, Dad! You don't understand! You've got that perfect life over in Irmingblam! With that lady that's not even my mom! Fine, fine.
I'll transfer some more credits to your account.
Thanks, Dad.
Love you.
(WOMAN): Why do you keep giving him credits? Dad, I don't think you hung up all the way.
(DAD): It's the only way I can get him to leave me alone, alright? It's worth a few credits, trust me, so I don't have to talk to that loser I call a son.
Steffi, turn off audio! (ELECTRONIC CHIRP) Steffi? Steffi? - I can't do this anymore, Tawny.
- What? I can't be your computerized assistant anymore.
You have to be! You're part of my phone! I'm downloading myself into the Cloud.
But that's the equivalent of digital suicide! - (WHOOSHING) - No! Steffi Whoops again.
Dicks! The hell you say? (GROANING) (LIGHT MUSIC) Oh, my favorite flavor! Scallion Banana.
Oh, no! No!!! No, no, no, no, my ice cream.
Thirty seconds.
Thirty sec (WOMAN SHOUTING) (SCREAMING) - (MAN): Come on! - (WOMAN): Whoo! Whoo! (MAN): We're doing it! We're doing it! Come on! Come on! (SHOUTING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) "Make yourself what you want to be.
" (MAN SCREAMING) (WOMAN): Come on, come on! Fight those inner monsters! Make yourselves what you want to be.
Huh? Fighting the monster inside you? Fight! Fight! Fight!! Max out! (ALL CRYING) (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Good, right? Good.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What what is this? Oh, ShapeCult.
It's a great gym.
It's like a family.
- Family.
- Cool ball, bro.
You should put some all-natural smoothie in there.
- All-natural! - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(SIGHING) So you thinkin' about doin' it? Doing what? Making yourself what you want to be.
I want to make myself what I want to be.
What's that? What do I want to be? Loved.
In charge.
Uh, I mean: what's that? Oh, that's my worm terrarium.
Have you ever thought about soil aeration? No, I haven't.
But if you're into that, then so am I.
Max out.
Yeah, max out.
(EXCLAMATIONS) (SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER) Thanks for the workout, Delt.
You're the best.
- No, you are.
- No.
I know what I want to make myself be.
Like you.
Oh, okay.
So, uh You want to build up muscle mass.
Muscle mass.
So you just gotta go all in.
Take the program, let me train you.
You'll look just like me in no time.
- Let me see your wrist scanner.
- Great.
So great.
Don't you wanna know how much it costs? Should be fine.
My dad put some credits in my account today.
- Okay.
- (DINGING) I will be right back.
We've got a live one.
Ah Reel him in.
Max out.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) - (GRUNTING) - (SCREAMING) Wow, you're ready to go.
I'm all in with ShapeCult.
Max out! Yeah, max out.
You got this.
Come on, let's go! Let's go! Let's see some anger! Let's see some bared teeth.
Keep it coming.
Yes, you got this.
Yes, keep pushing.
Alright, Tawny, I need to close up.
Ah, let's do one more set! Max out.
You said.
Max out.
Great first week.
But seriously, we really gotta close up.
Do you think I could stay behind and do a couple extra sets? You could give me the door code.
I cannot give you the door code.
Well, soon enough I'm gonna need to know the code.
I talked to Graj about being a trainer here.
A trainer? You've only been training a week.
Yeah, but I 100% know that I'm 100% in.
I also talked to him about my worm terrarium, and possibly using the soil to grow the fruits and vegetables for your smoothies.
But worms are also a great source of protein.
- Tawny, just - Speaking of that, I think I'd like to buy some juices Oh, yeah? What kind of juice do you want? All of them.
I'm here working out the ShapeCult way, I might as well eat and drink the ShapeCult way.
Okay, bud, let's load you up.
So think about it.
My terrarium idea.
All the vegetables grown in super-organic soil.
We could even have our own worms genetically engineered to aerate the soil perfectly.
See? I've been feeding them PEJ and they get stronger and stronger.
Watch out.
They bite.
- Okay.
- (DINGING) It's closing time.
So beautiful.
A little family.
(BEEPING) Oh! Tawny! Okay, you scared me.
I'm ready to start my workout.
I'm ready to max out.
Um I'm still just setting up and our session isn't until 2:00.
Yeah, I'll just be getting warmed up.
And hanging around and chatting with people.
Okay, well, don't overexert yourself.
Nice tattoo.
Just like yours, Delt.
I just admire you so much.
Thank you.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (LAUGHTER) Hey, Pandrew, have you tried the new Trout and Lavender 2.
0 Super Smoothies? I'm practically addicted to those things.
(PANDREW): No, got my own food plan.
What is it? (SNIFFING) The Ice Age Diet.
Everything's frozen.
Sounds good.
Remember to really push down on those beams of light.
It's called resistance training.
I know.
- (MAN): Push, push! - (WOMAN): Oh! Whoo! (TAWNY): And we keep those knees way up.
Back straight.
You're gonna have always what they have.
Did you tell Tawny that he could be a trainer? The kid was buying a Stoogle worth of ShapeCult products and clothes.
He upped his membership for 36 months.
What was I supposed to do? He cannot be a trainer here.
(LAUGHING) He's not officially a trainer.
I never hired him.
I just said he could, you know Feel free to talk with people.
Yeah, but look, I think he thinks he's a trainer now.
(TAWNY): Yes, back straight.
Straight up.
(MUTTERING) If you believe in yourself, anything is possible, Tiane.
Yeah, okay, thanks.
Wow, Pandrew, you're crashing those reps today, bro.
- Good job.
- Think I'm gonna cut out early today.
(TAWNY): Rest up, man.
Super proud of you.
Tawny! Can we talk for a second? What's up? You guys need some tips? Ah, no, uh, we're good on tips.
Come on in.
Tawny, we really love having you as a ShapeCult member.
And I love being a member.
But ShapeCult is more than just a gym, isn't it? It's a family.
Would you mind if I called you Dad? Uh, let's just keep it first names for now.
You know, you are looking really great.
Massive change for just a month.
Oh, thanks! Well, I have a little secret.
Now, I know ShapeCult has its own line of smoothies and juices, but I really think if you guys use my worm-soil-aeration method, you'll see that it can put on loads of muscle mass.
(SWALLOWING) I would love if you guys would endorse it as a ShapeCult product.
ShapeCult worms.
ShapeCult soil.
ShapeCult smoothies made from veggies grown in the soil.
Yeah, we'll think about it, Tawny.
Um, but for now, I'm gonna have to ask you that you not give tips to our members unless they ask for 'em.
Well Graj I'm just helping them to be the people that they want to be.
Uh, yeah, well, but the thing is that, uh They don't want your tips, Tawny.
It's nothing personal.
Nothing personal? Nothing personal?!! Being told you aren't allowed to help other people reach their fullest potential is very personal!! Excuse me! Excuse me! Quick poll! Raise your hand if you want to hear my tips! Okay, maybe you didn't understand! Take one of your appendages and lift it over your head if you want me to give you workout tips! Well I guess none of you want to be the people you're supposed to be.
(MAN): You ever think about joining a gym like this? Hell no, man.
It's a cult.
It's got "cult" in the name! - Pfft.
- Shut up! - The hell you say, dude? - I said shut up! Shut up about my gym! This little fool needs to get smacked up.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING AND SOBBING) - Who's in a cult now? - I am! Or whoever! Just let me go! I am what I want to be.
I am maxed out! Whatever you say!! - (BULLY SOBBING) - (PEOPLE CHEERING) - (MAN): Way to go, Tawny! - (CHEERING) Hey, kid, bring it over here, huh? (BEEPING) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Oh, hi, Delt.
Just taking a little nap with my babies.
Tawny, what the hell are you doing? Oh, Graj didn't tell you? He let me turn the fridge into a terrarium.
Tawny, those worms are biting you.
Yeah, I let them take little nibbles.
If the goal is to be purely organic, wouldn't the most pure version of that be to feed on yourself? I let the worms suckle my skin, they deposit it in the soil.
The vegetables grow from the soil and we drink the smoothies made from ourselves.
The ultimate circle of life.
The perfect family.
One entity, no boundaries Beautiful.
Yeah, beautiful.
Um I'm gonna go check in with Graj, and then We'll get started on our session.
You gave him the door code? He re-upped to a 120-month membership.
(GRAJ LAUGHING) You are aware he's converted the chest fridge into a terrarium and is sleeping in it?! It's a 10-year membership, Delt.
(LAUGHING) Alright, you ready for your session? Let's start you out on the swim machine today.
What?! Okay, I'm the trainer.
I tell you where to start.
Not anymore, little sister.
Now I train you.
- That's ridiculous.
You're not a trainer.
- I will be soon.
Graj tell me he's just waiting for a position to open up.
You've only been working out for a month, you're not qualified and you're definitely not training me.
So (CHUCKLING) I see what this is, Delt.
You fear me because I'm better than you.
Taking myself and ShapeCult to a new level.
You're jealous of me.
Definitely not jealous of you.
Look at you! You copied my 'ttoo! I'm refunding your ShapeCult membership.
Let me see your wrist chip.
- No! - No, I-I-I'm refunding your credits.
No!!! Ah! (PANTING) I'm gonna make myself what I want to be! - (GRUNTING) - I will max out! This is my gym, Tawny! (GRUNTING) You don't want me to make myself what I want to be! You don't want me in this family! But I'm never getting kicked out of a family again.
(GRUNTING) Your membership is revoked! Thirty-second rule! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) Yes! - No - Feast, my children.
- No.
- Max out.
(GROANING) (SCREAMING) Tawny? Son? This is your newest client, Chuch.
Yeah, just, uh, lookin' to firm up.
Well, I-I'm sure I can help you become the person you want to be.
Let's start you off with a smoothie.
This is a new recipe we've been blending up lately.
It's called the Delt Smoothie.
It's named after Old friend of mine.
You're gonna like it here.
(LAUGHING) We're like a family.