Weird City (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Go to College

1 (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) "A higher education from a prestigious university Above The Line is one of the greatest gifts that can be given to anyone from either side of The Line.
You see, like life itself lost my train of thought.
Where's that sandwich I ordered? - Dr.
Negari" Go To College (BEEPING) - (GETE): Smiley face! - (WINNER!) I win, suckas! It's hard playing Digi-dohs with a broken arm, bro.
Shouldn't have got it broke like a punk, then.
(GROANING) Maybe you just need more PEJ.
(GETE): Good Digi-dohs, y'all.
(GETE CHUCKLING) (MAN BLOWING RASPBERRY ON HIS ARM) (BOTTLE SMASHING) (APPLAUSE) Below the Line Awards Technical High School Brought To You By Negari Labs As you know, even though our school is below the line.
Thanks to Dr.
Negari's generous funding and guidance, we have been molded on Above the Line schools, where all public schools are mandated to give every single student an award no matter what.
(SNORING) Lest anyone's self-esteem fall below the level of extremely egotistical.
(APPLAUSE) And now, to introduce our valedictorian I'd like to bring up a pillar of our community, Dr.
Aloysius Negari! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) - Thank you.
- (CLEARING THROAT) At Negari Labs, we are committed to finding the best of the best, and getting them into great institutions for their federally mandated college experience Above the Line.
This next student has definitely gone above and beyond.
Your valedictorian, Rayna Perez.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) It is because of Rayna's outstanding scholarship, and her innovative understanding of technology that she has been admitted to the very prestigious Mouthdart Academy of the Limited Arts.
- Rayna.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
(APPLAUSE, WHISTLING) (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC BUILDING) Thank you.
I am so proud and honored to be your valedictorian, but, I didn't do it alone.
I had great friends and family who helped me along the way.
My parents were simple water farmers, but they always made sure I had a full belly, and a roof over my head.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) (RAYNA GIGGLING) Okay, so I know it'll be difficult, but I'll visit all the time.
And remember, I'm doing this for all of us.
After I graduate, I can get a great salary, and move us all Above the Line.
We're proud of you.
And just really excited for you to go to college.
Don't worry about us, just get up there and get going.
Okay.
(CHILLINX SCREAMNG): Low rider Tinted windows Now this is some good weed.
- Steffi, you wanna hit it? - (STEFFI): Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah.
(STEFFI INHALING, COUGHING) Yeah! (GETE LAUGHING) - Hey, Gete.
- Hey.
What's up? Oh, you know.
Just smoking some weed with Steffi.
Oh.
Hey, Steffi.
(DINGING) (STEFFI): 'Sup.
- Now damn, girl.
- Today was a big day, huh? You graduated with honors, I won an Emoji Dominos game.
(SOMBER MUSIC) Why you so sad, Rayna? Gete.
I'm moving Above the Line for college.
I feel like I just have to make my own way, and be free.
(GETE SCOFFING): Are you breaking up with me? I think I have to be open to whatever situations await me.
(DINGING) (STEFFI): Screw that.
You broke his heart, biatch.
- Hey.
Hey, hey.
- You're a biatch, Steffi! - Ladies, ladies! - Come on, not this again, huh?! Steffi, you need to back off! (STEFFI): Yeah.
Whatevs, Gete.
I love Rayna, but we need to respect her decision.
Now, you ever need anything, you know where to find me.
Actually, I don't.
You crash all over the place, and are unpredictable.
(CHILLINX SCREAMNG): Tinted windows Love weed and guns Love hoes, love these hoes (GUITAR PLAYING) (STUDENT SINGING): Low rider Oh, oh Tinted windows Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba I love weed I love guns I love hoes La-la-la-la-la-la-la (MUFFLED SINGING IN BACKGROUND) Rayna.
You're here! Colleen, it's so nice to meet you in person.
I know.
Hologram hangouts are nice, but so impersonal! Totally.
High five, roomie! (LAUGHING) We missed! With antics like these, I can tell we are going to be best friends immediately.
- Sure.
- (AWKWARD LAUGHTER) My mom insisted I pack, like, 25 years worth of food.
So embarrassing.
Moms.
Can't live without them, but you'd hate to live with 'em, right? (EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER) Amazing! You are hilarious! I already feel like we're besties! Well, this food my mom packed is full of essential nutrients.
Feel free to have any of it at any time.
I also have tons of vitamins.
I recommend taking a multivitamin once a day, with breakfast.
I will maybe do that.
Anyways, my favorite band is Chillinx.
Oh yeah.
She's great.
Equal to Chilinx? I love Hobo Railroad Project.
Oh, my God! Hobo Railroad Project! Totally my favorite! Those bowler hats? - Right? - How cute.
Oh, we have the same musical tastes! - We are such great friends.
- Yeah.
(KNOCKING) Uh Did someone mention my favorite band? Chester.
This is my roommate, Rayna.
Great to meet you.
I can tell you're gonna love college, and fit in well up here Above the Line.
What? Speaking of our favorite band, Hobo Railroad Project, I have two tickets to the show tonight.
You, uh, care to join me? Yeah.
Totally.
That'd be great.
Great.
Okay.
I will see you tonight.
Pleasure meeting you.
Wow.
Sparks much? I mean, yeah.
He's kinda cute.
(LOUD MUSIC, CHEERING) (MAN): We love you Hobo Railroad! Oh, what a treat.
That was so much fun.
Chester, it was amazing seeing the Hobo Railroad Project live.
Thank you.
No prob.
How about a glass of wine? Yeah.
I actually stashed some Pomegranate Electrolyte Wine that I got from my parents' vineyard down in Irmingblam.
The poms are grown in soil aerated by worms.
And well, the vines are whispered to daily.
There you are.
Cheers.
(SOFT MUSIC IN BACKGROUND) Mmm.
It's really good.
So, how many sweater vests do you have? Oh, literally thousands.
(LAUGHING) Oh I'm sorry.
This isn't how we hook up Above the Line.
Um But I'm excited.
I'm gonna leave the room, you're gonna stay here, and you're gonna Just wait, okay? Trust me.
You'll like it.
(DOOR CLOSING) (PHONE CHIMING) Hey Rayna, you ready? For what? Above The Line we don't have sex We SEX Seriously? They don't actually have sex? Let's do this What are you wearing? Same thing I was wearing three minutes ago.
Take it OFF OK it's off genitalia genitalia genitalia genitalia (POP ROCK MUSIC) (HOBO RAILROAD PROJECT): Oh Sext one, sext two, sext three Come on baby and sext with me I didn't want to do it But sext is the next closest thing Sexting, sexting, sexting Sexting the night away (CHILINX): Well be careful what you wish for You just might get it It could ruin your life if your Boyfriend wants to hit it Go to college, go to college Go to college, go to college Go to college Go to college Go to college, go to college Go to college, go to college (BIRDS CHIRPING) (RAYNA EXHALING) You okay? Yeah.
Hmm.
Somebody had some fun last night.
Yeah, me and Chester.
Say no more.
I am so happy for you.
He is the perfect guy.
Totally.
Okay.
Are you ready for your gosh-dang hazing? Yeah, are you ready? (EXHALES): I'm ready.
You're gosh-dang awesome! You're gosh-dang good at stuff! I like you! I'm glad you're gonna join the frat, gosh-dangit! I respect the gosh-dang out of you! Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And thank you, sirs.
Do you guys mind if we pause the hazing for just one second? - Of course.
- Whatever you need.
Thank you.
Rayna.
So embarrassing.
That was my fraternity hazing ritual.
Oh.
It just sounded like they were being really nice.
Well, of course.
No one should be bullied in this day and age, not even in a fraternity ritual.
Oh kay.
Speaking of fraternities, we're having a big party at the house tonight.
Um Love it if you came.
Bring Colleen.
Sounds like fun.
Great.
I should Better get back, so I love that gosh-dang sweater-dress! Not everyone can pull off a sweater-dress, but you do, gosh-dangit! Good gosh-dang job! (HIGH FIVING): You should thank my mom, she made it.
I'm so excited for this party.
Colleen, can I tell you something? Rayna, you can tell me anything.
I'm literally your best friend.
Chester is great.
It's just, he never wants to have sex, he only wants to sext.
(COLLEEN CHUCKLING): Sweetie.
That's how a lot of us do it Above the Line.
As technology progresses, there's less and less reason for physical intimacy.
Oh (PHONE CHIMING) Ham.
I need ham.
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING) Go to the Most Convenient Store.
One just rolled up.
(AUTOMATED VOICE): Welcome to the Most Convenient Store.
How may I assist your shopping needs this evening? - Ham.
- I do not understand "him".
- No, ham.
- (BANGING ON MACHINE) I need it, give it to me.
I don't know "jam bit".
- Ham! - Let's try again.
Ham, ham, ham! (MACHINE WHIRRING, VIBRATING) (MACHINE DINGING) (EERIE MUSIC) Sorry.
I just needed ham.
I'm alright.
(AUTOMATED VOICE): I don't know "Paul Blight".
Let's try again.
(LOUD MUSIC, PARTY SOUNDSCAPE) (GUYS CHANTING): Tutu! Tutu! Tutu! (BLUMMY): Great keg stand, bro! You know what? You're a really great gosh-dang guy! (TUTU): Dang! Back atcha, brother! Oh.
You've got a stray piece of ham.
God, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
It's okay.
This is good.
Protein.
(LOUD MUSIC) Hey, guys.
You made it! - Hey.
- You are not going to believe it.
Nerf Duhall, from Hobo Railroad Project, is here tonight.
Really? Writing a song isn't so much writing, as it is connecting to the great source of the universe.
I just let it speak through me.
(SNIFFING) Woo! Schnootzy anyone? That is so awesome.
I respect all these gosh-dang women! (TUTU): I respect them all so gosh-dang much! (CLEARING THROAT) Oh.
This is my favorite song.
Oh, mine too.
This is my favorite.
Um You wanna dance? Yeah.
Sure.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (PHONE CHIMING) Oh.
It's Gete.
Rayna.
Texting with Gete is only going to encourage him.
You're with Chester, now.
Colleen, I'm not "with" anyone, and I can text whoever I want.
How's that higher education girl? College is great My period button isn't working.
(PHONE CHIMING) (STOMACH GROWLING) Pickle? (EERIE MUSIC) Yeah.
Here.
Let me make you a vitamin protein shake to go with that.
Why are you and Chester so excited about getting me protein? We just want you to be healthy.
I have to get to the bottom of these texts.
Tele-Dial-Corp, Dirg speaking.
How may I assist your cellular and digital needs today? Hi.
I wanted to trace a text.
Tracing a text? Let me transfer you.
(SINGING): Hold music You're listening to some Hold music, while you hold! (MIMICKING GUITAR SOLO) (MIMICKING GUITAR SOLO) (RAYNA): Excuse me? Um Are you singing your own hold music? Busted.
Research shows that customers are more satisfied with service if they've gone from one department to another.
Sorry.
I just want to know where these texts are coming from.
I can help you with that.
Can I get your first and last name, please? Rayna Perez.
Thank you, Rayna.
Would you please answer the following security question? You are walking through the desert, and you see a tortoise! You reach I would help the tortoise.
Very good! (CLAPPING, LAUGHING) And beginning the trace.
Beep! Blurp! Boop! Um Are you making your own tracing noises now? Um Yes.
The tracing system is silent, but research has shown that customers are more confident in the system if they hear some sounds.
Beeps, boops, et ceteras.
- That's fine.
- Boop.
The trace is complete.
These unknown texts have been coming from (GASPING) Inside you! Take me to the doctor.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC) - Miss Perez It's a good thing you came to see a doctor.
You're pregnant.
What? But I haven't had sex in months.
Miss Perez.
What you're saying is not possible.
Because you are, indeed, pregnant.
No.
What you're saying is impossible, because I haven't had sex in months! I would know! Impossible? What I'm saying is impossible? Well! The Saustin School of Medical Stuff would disagree with you! Arthur G.
Ooscar, College of Online Arts and Letters would disagree with you! I guess I'm not the World's Best Dad then, either! (MUG SMASHES) Let's take it down a notch! Dude, what the hell?! My apologies.
My behavior is unbefitting of a graduate of the School of MedStu.
But the fact remains: You are pregnant.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) I'm not ready to be a mother.
I just got into college.
I want a career.
Well, sometimes what we want isn't what's best for the world.
What does that mean? You can go home, have your baby, and then go back to college.
Chester and I will go with you.
You and Chester? How would that work? I have to talk to my parents.
There's no problem.
We're here.
What are you do Did you just Were you behind the curtain this whole time? Your roommate Colleen is right.
Move home, have the baby.
She and Chester can come help.
How can anyone say that? How can you say that? You've never even met Chester.
(CHESTER CLEARING THROAT) Actually, they have.
You were behind the curtain too? Dr.
Negari? (STAMMERING) Why don't you all just step out at the same time? I don't know.
Super weird.
That's your opinion.
Beep! Boop! Dirg? From the call center? Beep! Rayna, you should be proud.
We have chosen you as the ideal mother for a new life form.
A form of life that's been digitally created.
Behold.
(SOFT MUSIC, COOING) An Emoji baby! Rayna, you are the mother of the first Emoji baby! The sexting Soon, our society will no longer need physical intimacy at all.
Imagine how much more powerful we will be, when we don't have to depend on one another.
We've been grooming you, Rayna, to raise this baby, and we have found you the perfect partner.
We just started dating.
Chester will help you raise the baby, your family will be moved Above the Line to be a part of the child's life, and we've got a fully carpeted condo all set up for you, beautiful wall-to-wall carpeting.
This is what you wanted, Rayna.
To get your family Above the Line.
Not like this.
You all knew about this? You were all in on it? I'm not a real doctor.
I'm an actor.
Bet you couldn't tell.
You know, acting isn't really acting, it's reacting.
It's becoming a - Shut up, Lance! - Sorry.
Actors.
Mom.
Dad? Rayna, darling, listen.
We're moving Above the Line! Dr.
Negari's gonna relocate us.
- To a fully carpeted condo.
- Enough about the stupid carpeting! (INTENSE MUSIC) Colleen? All those shakes? It was to prepare your body for the sext baby.
The Most Convenient Store.
Somehow I feel most betrayed by you.
(AUTOMATED VOICE): I don't know "bell taped by you".
So there's no one I could trust.
Nah! You got me, babe! (EMOTIONAL MUSIC) Yo, what's up, Rayna? I'm here to save you, girl.
Come with me.
And let's raise this baby right.
- No.
- (MUSIC STOPPING) - What? - No, Gete.
You're a 25-year-old high school senior.
You're nice, but totally undependable.
Okay.
So if I'm understanding all this, sexting is the way to implant the baby.
That's the science behind it, yes.
Then you shouldn't have done this to the valedictorian of a tech high school.
Screen grab.
Chester.
Send.
- Rayna, no! - (CHIMING) - (CHESTER): Doc? - (BABY): Daddy! Doc, what's happening? She's forwarded the baby to you! Send it back, Chester, send it back! Chester, blocked! You want this baby so much? You have it.
No, what about my career?! I don't know, figure it out! I'm going back to college.
Fully carpeted condo! (HUMMING "ROCK-A-BYE BABY") (HUMMING CONTINUES, EERIE MUSIC) (BABY STIRRING) (COOING) (HUMMING ECHOES) Low rider Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Tinted windows, tinted windows Tinted windows I love weed I love guns I love hoes I love my hoes I love to smoke weed I love to shoot my gun I love my hoes, my hoes, my hoes (VOCALIZING) (VOCALIZING) (GUITAR STRUMMING)