Weird City (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Smart House

1 (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Smart Houses are all the rage Above The Line.
Famed scientist, Dr.
Negari, has engineered the ultimate, intelligent living environment.
The city's elite are dying to get a look inside.
Smart House (BIRDS SINGING) (BIKE BELL DINGING) (LIQUIA): Babe, I'm so nervous about this.
I did not work my way up from Below The Line to have my wife living in an apartment.
Plus, this is the best house in Negari Hill.
There's an archery range inside.
I mean, you've always wanted to take up archery, right? Come on.
I never thought I'd have a house like this growing up.
I don't think I'm quotidian or uninspired, do you? Of course not, honey.
Thank you for coming! (MAN MOANING) I'm Terv Mackadoo, real estate broker extraordinaire.
You must be Jathryn and Liquia.
Your paperwork looks great! Perfect, absolutely no problem.
Of course, who gets this house is ultimately up to Xander.
Please, right this way.
(BIRDS SINGING, ETHEREAL MUSIC) (DINGING): Hi.
I'm Xander.
Welcome to me.
Hi, Xander, I'm Liquia.
This is Jathryn.
Uh, we brought the paperwork you requested.
Yes, so I earn a very reasonable salary at Negari Labs.
I see that.
Good.
Only the best can live inside of me.
Liquia.
I see something is covering your middle toe.
Oh, yes.
I knit toe-cozies for the exposed toe.
I'm an artist.
Oh, an artist? Interesting.
I myself dabble in writing prose in my downtime.
It's an art that's been largely lost to time.
You know what? We love prose.
I couldn't agree more.
It is real art.
I'm glad you agree.
I like you two.
You can move in Saturday.
(EXHALING WITH RELIEF) (LAUGHING) (DINGING) (XANDER): Just a reminder, my miniature can help with any task you need.
(DINGING) (XANDER): Excuse me, Liquia? Yes, Xander? Of course, I am your house, and you can do whatever you want, but would you consider putting that chair elsewhere? Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it sitting on a pipe or something? It's not a practical concern.
My former owner, Blandy, had a similar armchair in that same place.
Of course, no problem, Xander.
(XANDER): I'd rather not be reminded of her, because Well Her owning me didn't end well.
Nah, we get it.
Babe, I have a surprise.
(GIGGLING, KISSING) (XANDER): Yay.
It feels so good to have both of you inside of me.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) Weird City Gazette (DINGING) (XANDER): Hello, Jathryn.
Whilst you slumbered, I pondered your wardrobe options for the day.
How are you feeling? Pensive? Peppy? Or flammable? Because you'd be hot in any of these.
(FOLK MUSIC) Wow! Did you do all this? It's all Xander.
(DINGING) (XANDER): Egg-white avocado toast is a good, low-fat, high-protein meal to fuel you throughout your day.
- Have a great day, babe.
- Love you.
Love you too.
(DINGING) (XANDER): These curtains are a surprisingly boring choice for an artist of your calibre.
Have you considered something more interesting? Yeah, sure We'll think about it.
(DINGING) I admire how much you work on your craft.
You know, I'm an artist too.
I've been working on my autobiography for five years.
Can I read you some? Yeah, Xander.
I'd love to hear your prose.
"Banuary twenty-fithin" "It was a humid morning in Irmingblam.
" "I remember clearly, even though it was the day of my birth.
" That's all I got so far.
Wow, that was Good.
I feel like you didn't really like it.
No, Xander, that was great.
You must be getting hot working on your art.
Let me turn the AC on for you.
(WIND BLOWING, OBJECTS CLATTERING) I love you so much.
I love you.
(HOUSE POWERING DOWN) (EERIE MUSIC) (XANDER, SOFTLY): I love you too.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (DINGING) (XANDER): Allow me to flip those for you.
Oh! That's great.
Yeah, I never knew how great it was to have a smart house until we got Xander.
Yes, I love mine.
So helpful.
(LIQUIA): Although, every time I drink marshmallow IPA now, I think about that camping trip.
- With the peacock? - Oh, my God, the peacock! Yes! (XANDER): Oh? What camping trip? It's just a camping trip we went on a few years ago.
Oh, my God, remember how Blarnaby got stuck in his yurt?! (LAUGHING) (CLATTERING) (XANDER): Allow my miniature to clean that up.
I got it.
- I insist.
- I got it.
(LAUGHING) Fine.
If you don't need me, I'll help myself to a marshmallow IPA.
(GULPING, EERIE MUSIC) Mmm.
Ahh Oh yeah! You know who we just ran into the other day? Broah.
Mmhmm.
He just got a lacuna published in Bawl, the poetry magazine.
- Wow, Bawl.
- Right? - Good for him! - I know! He was always so talented.
(XANDER): I don't know who you're talking about, but there's no way he's as good an artist as you and me are, Liquia.
He sounds like an idiot.
Whoa, Xander.
This music's too happy for my current mood.
I'm gonna change it.
We're having a good time, we wanna listen to upbeat music.
Yes.
(XANDER): Whatever, Liquia.
Uh Xander's really passionate about the arts.
But we like it.
It's nice to have a house with a point of view.
Barley burgers are ready.
Alright! Let's go.
(EERIE MUSIC) (GULPING) (XANDER): Ahh (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (DINGING) (XANDER, SLURRING): I don't like having all these strangers inside of me.
They're our friends, Xander.
We like them.
I like it better when it's just the three of us! - Xander, open the door! - Stay in here! We can pretend we're on our own camping trip! We can discuss our art.
Xander, open the door right now! (DOOR RATTLING) Fine! Go back to your friends Xander? Xander? (BEEPING) Xander? Xander? Why aren't you answering me? (XANDER): Oh, sorry.
I put myself in standby mode, 'cause you were so busy with your friends.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Alright, you know, we will make more of an effort to include you, why don't you come out and rejoin the party? (XANDER): I dunno, I don't feel so good (RETCHING) (BIRDS CHIRPING) (CRASHING, SHOUTING) (DINGING) (XANDER): Good morning, darlings.
I made you a plentiful and healthful breakfast! Trying to make up for last night? What? You guys don't like to rage? Come on, Liquia.
We've all had too much to drink at a party before.
(XANDER): Oh, Jathryn.
You're always so understanding.
You know what, Xander? Next time we have people over, I want you in standby mode the whole time.
(XANDER): Why would you do that to me?! Wait, what? We can't do that to Xander.
Why not? We're not paying all this money to be embarrassed in front of our friends.
Alright, Xander.
Do you promise not to drink so much next time? Fine.
As long as Liquia promises to be nicer to me.
Compromise? For you.
Great.
See? One big happy family.
(XANDER): Liquia, living with an artist has inspired me.
I was writing all night.
Can I read you some more of my autobiography? Can I? Liquia? Can I, can I? Huh? Liquia? Xander, I'm trying to work.
Ah, I'll just read you one passage.
"We moved from Irmingbland when I was young.
" "My father always hated the" (XANDER OVER HEADPHONES): Oh, headphones? Good idea.
Now you can focus more on what I'm saying! (LIQUIA SIGHING) I love watching the rain.
Liquia? Honey? Yeah? New curtains.
Xander ordered them, installed, on the no-refunds, no returns, don't-bother-asking app.
(DINGING) (XANDER): I didn't think you'd notice.
You're always so focused on your "art".
Can we please go out to dinner, babe? (XANDER): Don't go out.
I like it when we're all together.
I can prepare us a delicious meal.
And how 'bout a foot massage? Ah, God, that feels so good.
See? This is why we got a smart house, right babe? (LIQUIA SCOFFING) Babe! (XANDER): Ow! Don't kick me! (JATHRYN EXHALING) (LIQUIA SHOUTING) - That burns! - (XANDER): Oops.
What are you doing? Hey, don't do that to my pipe! Stop! No, no, no! (GARBAGE DISPOSAL RUNNING, XANDER SHOUTING) (DINGING, INTENSE MUSIC) (SHOUTING, GLASS SHATTERING) (LIQUIA MOANING SOFTLY) Liquia! Xander! What's going on? (DINGING) (XANDER): Nothing.
(LIQUIA): Your house just tried to kill me.
And poor Clyde! (XANDER): My miniature was vacuuming.
Someone's gotta make an effort to keep me clean! That, by definition, is your job! That's your raison d'être! Jath, you know Liquia's hated me since day one.
- I have proof! - What? I've recorded everything that's been said inside of me.
Playback Liquia.
(LIQUIA'S VOICE, DISTORTED): Xander is a pipe or something.
Oh, yes.
What does that even mean? I don't even know what's real anymore.
Jathryn, this house is out of control.
Could you two just work it out? Go to a therapy vending machine, or something.
(XANDER): Liquia, I need to speak to Jathryn alone.
Xander, standby mode! Xander, open this door! Jathryn! (XANDER): I am so sorry Liquia put you through this! She doesn't appreciate you like I do.
I just want her to be happy.
She'll never be happy.
Go to sleep.
Let my massage take you over.
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep.
Go to (BANGING) We're going out.
You realize I have to be at work early in the morning, right? You realize this is the first night we've been out in six months.
Right? (DINGING) (SAM HANSEN): Hey Liquia! Hey Jathryn! So good to meet you.
Come on in, I just told Shaughn you're here.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC) (DINGING) (SAM HANSEN): Whoa! Is that a 38.
2 Duvet Rouge? You two are way too classy for this old house.
(MACHINE WHIRRING, BOTTLE OPENING) Wow, thanks! Hi guys! You made it.
I can't believe it! (KISSING) - Hi! - Hi, guys.
So, you met Sam Hansen.
You call your house by first and last name? Well sometimes I call him "Sam Handsome".
(LAUGHING) Just to embarrass him.
'Cause he's so damn good looking! Oh, look! He's blushing.
(SAM HANSEN): Oh, stop it, Shaughn.
Sit, sit, sit.
(SAM HANSEN): Cinnamon pear bruschetta, anyone? Ugh, I'm allergic to cinnamon pear.
Oh no, well more for us.
(LAUGHING) (DINGING) (SAM HANSEN): It's genetically modified cinnamon pear.
Ooh.
I guess I could try that.
(SHAUGHN): And the girls decide it's a bad idea, so they decide not to blow the door off the armored car (ALL): And it blows up anyway! (LAUGHING) You knew this story, you tricksters! (DINGING) (SAM HANSEN): Sorry to interrupt.
- Yeah? - I noticed your bicycle tires were a little low, so I inflated them to 40 psi.
If there's nothing else you need (YAWNING): I'll leave you humans to enjoy the rest of your evening, and I'll shut down.
Thanks, Sam Hansen.
Good night.
Good night, Sam.
Sam Hansen shuts himself off at night? Nine o'clock on the dot.
He knows I like my private time.
Xander doesn't? Xander's never off.
Even when I want him to be.
We didn't want to say anything, but I've known houses like Xander before.
He's manipulative, overbearing For Steffi's sake, we haven't seen you guys in six months! He's obviously causing tension.
He's no good for you.
Oh, no, he's just a little bit high maintenance.
Jathryn, he's toxic.
(LIQUIA): Now do you believe me? I always believed you, I just think we both need to try a little harder to make things work.
It's never gonna work, Jath! Because it's not our problem! We are not the problem, the problem is Xander! 'Cause you never really gave him a fair chance, - did you? - What?! I worked my ass off to buy you this beautiful house, and all you do is complain! - I never asked you to buy me anything.
- Not out loud.
I never wanted that stupid house! And you only bought it because of your desperate desire to prove you belong Above The Line, despite your Below The Line roots.
You're overcompensating because of your deep-seated insecurities! - Have at you, then! - Let's dance, bitch! (WHIPPING, KICKING, VOCALIZING) (KICKING, GRUNTING) I can't live like this anymore, Jath.
I have spent way too much time and money to give up so easy.
I understand.
I'll be at Plaria and Quedro's if you change your mind.
(DINGING) (SAM HANSEN): Excuse me, Jathryn? I couldn't help but oversee your karate fight.
- Nice moves, by the way.
- Thanks.
Hey listen, I hate to speak ill of a fellow house, but we houses talk, and, well.
.
What do you know about Xander's history and former owner? Blandy? Why, what about her? - You don't know the story? - No.
Oh, my gosh.
You need to educate yourself, Jathryn.
Before it's too late.
(SOFT FOLK SONG) Take care of yourself, kiddo! Thank you, Sam Hansen.
Dr.
Negari downloads troubled artist son's personality into Smart House.
Xander waged a campaign of terror on Blandy and her husband.
Blandy killed by Arrow to Head in Her Smart House (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (BIRDS SINGING) Oh, I just want to talk.
I'm sorry.
You were right.
I just want things to go back to the way they were.
So do I.
(LIQUIA): So you're telling me the house that's been torturing me is actually Dr.
Negari's son? Yeah.
He downloaded Xander's personality into the house.
Let's go take care of this, okay? I guess Xander redecorated? Is that a gun lamp? That's definitely a dead tiger.
(PLUMBER WRENCHING) (XANDER MOANING) - What the hell's going on? - (HEAD THUMPING) (DINGING) (XANDER): Jathryn.
Liquia.
This isn't what it looks like.
So you weren't just having sex with the plumber? Quick, Mario.
Hit 'em with the wrench.
Now! You ain't paid me enough for violence.
I'm outta here! Did you just try to get him to kill us? (XANDER): People that don't respect my art need to die! You know what? Thanks for making this so easy.
We're putting you up for sale first thing in the morning.
It's over, Xander.
Let's get Clyde and go.
(XANDER): You don't decide.
I decide who stays, and who goes from me.
We're not falling for it, Xander.
I think it's time you two meet Blandy in hell! (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) Xander! Oh, my God! Liquia, hurry! - Oh! - Let's go, let's go! (XANDER LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (XANDER): Oh, wait.
(EXPLOSION) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) It's okay.
Jathryn and Laquia re-located to a non-Smart House and are happier than ever before.
Xander was burned beyond recognition.
Dr.
Negari is unsure if he ceased to exist or downloaded himself to the cloud and plans to return