Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e01 Episode Script


So this is, like, where the South County bus stops.
Yeah, one time I saw this kid get off with a ferret on a leash.
Yeah, and the guy who drives the bus, Mr.
Fargas, he used to be my soccer coach, and he said that I wasn't gonna amount to anything, that I was ill-behaved, and that I ran weird.
Yeah, but then soccer and art got canceled at our school, and now Fargas is driving a bus, so, you know, who's the loser now, Farg? Here it comes! Go, go, go, go! Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.
(LAUGHTER) Ah, yes! - Yes! Oh, my God! - KELLY: He's gonna get us! SHRUB: Run! Take that, Fargas! Oh, my God! KELLY: So Shrub's actually not just my cousin.
- He's also my best friend.
- Yeah.
Tell 'em why.
Uh, he's the only person I can share - a bucket of Munchkins with.
- Bingo.
- Don't take a chocolate.
- SHRUB: I'm not.
KELLY: So I like the chocolate ones.
I love the butternut ones, but I hate the cinnamon ones, and Shrub inhales those.
And, like, it's, like, not, 'cause I love the cinnamon ones so much.
I just feel sorry for 'em.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause they're always left.
I like the underdog.
FATHER JOE: Well, the church moved me here about eight months ago from Minneapolis, yeah.
Bit of a change, you know.
Big responsibility.
But I've really grown fond of the people here.
- Shrub and Kelly, um - (LAUGHS) FATHER JOE: Look, it's not easy being a young adult these days.
- These kids, they need guidance.
- This is my bike! I'm normally "Reverend," but they call me Father Joe.
Sometimes I feel like their dad proud, concerned.
Father Joe, why don't you, uh, [BLEEP.]
? (LAUGHS) [bleep.]
But anyway, they're they're making great progress.
And they've gotten a lot better in their cursing too.
I think this week we had two [BLEEP.]
I'm sorry.
Are you the crew that's filming that movie about us? Ah, man, come on, all right, okay.
So where where you staying? Don't tell me it's Norma's B&B because I'ma tell you right now, the Bs stand for "bedbugs," and the Norma stands for "not normal at all.
" I don't want you getting the wrong impression of Flatch.
We are an upstanding town, and we deserve some damn attention.
We got two restaurants, one with menus, and last year, someone gave birth to twins.
So now we got young people all over the place.
The young people are our future.
You know? KELLY: Hey, Mandy.
MANDY: Not them though.
Walking disappointments.
Yes, Flatch does have some colorful characters, but, you know, it's part of its charm.
(SCREAMING) I'll miss you, Father! You guys, we're we're filming, here.
(RETCHING) SHRUB: The Scarecrow Festival is pretty much, like, the biggest and best day of the year.
KELLY: People make scarecrows, they put them up all over town, and everyone votes for which one's best.
And you are looking at the winner.
Like, I have a killer design and a prime location this year right on the green.
Like, that guy with that spot last year won the whole thing, and his was pretty much, like, some frickin' used clothes and twine.
- Winner gets a hot air balloon ride.
- Yeah, and you're on the front page - of the "Flatch Patriot.
" - It's so dumb.
Oh, and you throwing a frying pan in the air isn't? "A," the skillet toss takes real skill.
B, there's a trophy.
Fine, I will take my nan on the balloon.
I don't care.
She doesn't even like heights, and you know that.
I'm about to be in the mile high club with my grandma while you're on the ground, crying like a little baby.
I haven't cried since last year, and you know that! KELLY: Well, a skillet toss is where you take a 5-pound pan, bigger than this one, okay, and you chuck it as far as you possibly can.
I think it came from, like, when the pioneer ladies would throw things at their kids.
Wait, or the Indians? I don't kn look it up.
You can look it up.
My dad won it seven years in a row till he blew his knee out.
Really opened up the field.
My dad and I are super close, so time to get the gold skillet back to the Mallet family where it belongs.
Okay, so, like, most people, they just, like, free-form the whole body.
That's, like that's amateur if you ask me.
Like, I actually make sure that my scarecrow has the correct ratio of arm length to head span.
Also, real shoes.
This is what we call a crowd-pleaser.
See, I don't like crowds.
I'm not safe in them.
I have a lot of enemies just like my dad, right? That's why I have my gang to protect me.
SHRUB: Kelly has this group of seventh-grade kids she hangs out with, and this, like, freakishly big one from fifth.
Okay, all I want is it to look like it's chairs in a circle and everything else cleared out.
Does that make sense? And let's just get better at knowing my needs a little bit.
KELLY: So his real name's actually Lloyd.
Yeah, after my dad.
Yeah, his dad drank a lot of Busch beer, so they started calling him Busch.
Yeah, and so they started calling me Shrub, for, like, a little bush.
But, like, he left when I was a baby, so Yeah, but I bet he still drinks beer.
Hey! Screw you too! KELLY: Hey, Big Mandy.
What's goin' on? You know that blind guy that lives up the road? - Blind Billy? - Just walked right into me.
Almost knocked off Colin's scare 'fro.
KELLY: You doin' the scarecrow contest? No skillet toss? Of course I'm doin' the skillet toss.
KELLY: Okay.
Big Mandy's a lot.
Who's a lot? - B Blind Billy.
- MANDY: Yeah, he is.
- Seriously, such a weirdo.
- So Who's a weirdo? Sh Shrub.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, no kiddin'.
What? That's Damn right, I am! (WHISPERING) She has good hearing.
(LAUGHTER) (BIG BAND MUSIC) FATHER JOE: This is one of the things that I love about Flatch.
They are really into their festivals.
- This guy! This guy's a legend! - Okay, simmer down, guys.
- Legend in the hizz-ouse! - Bad touch, don't do that.
Tell them about the time when we drank all the cherry wine coolers! Yeah, he had to take us to get our stomachs pumped! - Yeah, that wasn't funny.
- Oh, but it was! - It was very scary.
- He loves golf.
I do.
I do enjoy golf.
Yes, and Chris Pine.
He pines for the Pine! I don't.
That's not - [BLEEP.]
yeah, you do! - Oh, yes you do! Kelly, another dollar in the church box.
- Hi, Joe.
- Cheryl.
Cheryl, legend! And they used to date.
Oh, uh, I moved here with Joe when he got the job.
Uh, I was a reporter at the "Star Tribune.
" Mm-hmm.
Yeah, then he dumped me.
(CHUCKLES) He said he needed space to focus on the church, and you can't compete with God.
Yeah, I thought I'd move back to the city after, but, I don't know; this place kind of grew on me, you know? And besides, if I hadn't moved to Flatch, I never would have become the editor of the "Flatch Patriot," which has a circulation of 535 and rising.
So it all worked out, you know? Joe got God, and, uh, apparently Tinder.
And, um, you know, I got my own newspaper.
How cool is that? (CHUCKLES) (SOBS) (LAUGHTER) We're not allowed to bounce anymore.
It's a long story.
- His fault.
- Yeah.
Hey, that's my dad! - Dad! - Ugh.
- Hey.
- How have you been, Dad? Oh, you know, changing diapers, busy with the baby.
- Guess what.
- What? I'm doin' the skillet toss.
Gonna win it back for us.
- Big Mandy's not competing? - No, she is.
(CHUCKLES) Good luck with that, Kel.
Do you wanna hang out maybe a night coming up? It's really not a great time.
Yeah, you're babied up.
I get that.
I better get her back.
Jessie'll kick my ass.
She couldn't if she tried.
I'm gonna bring the gold back to the Mallets, Dad! That was my dad! Uh, that is where you get your voting sheets.
Um, that is the plant stall.
Uh, don't buy anything from him 'cause it will die in a week.
Trust me.
This is Alice.
Uh, she makes her own soap, but she doesn't bathe, - so that's what I call irony.
- Yeah.
Oh, this is Len.
He's a weird, mean, old man.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, see? Hey, hey, Beth's back from "cosmetology" school.
Looks like they didn't teach her how to fix her own hair.
She's beautiful.
He has a massive crush on Beth.
Dude! She has the personality of a diaper wipe.
First semester of cosmetology school you learn sanitation procedures.
Next semester we get to touch real human hair, but touching real people with real human hair isn't until year two.
Problem is there are, like, no people in this town to get crushes on.
Uh, Beth is objectively foxy.
Um, also I did Match, and it put me with her, and the next-closest girl was in Indiana.
- That's way too far.
- Way too far.
She's about to be wicked impressed with my big win.
Yeah, this is just lazy.
I mean, if you can't be bothered to make real hands, you don't deserve to be here.
Simple as that.
Technically not even a scarecrow because there's no hay in it.
It's just a rag on a stick.
I mean, I get it, but it's not making me feel anything.
Hey, hey! Scrub, hey! Mickey and me were born on the same day at the same hospital, so ever since we were babies, he thinks we're best friends.
Calls me his bro.
MICKEY: No donation is too big (COINS RATTLE) Or too small! Dude, the Fourth of July is, like, eight months away.
Yeah, and I don't have any cash on me.
Yeah, also I hate fireworks.
Everyone loves the Flatch fireworks, my bro.
Oh, okay.
And if you don't have cash, you can always donate in cryptocurrency.
Yeah, Mickey, we'll totally pay you in made-up money.
I've been trading Bitcoin for, like, a year now.
Made $1,000.
Ooh, minus the money I spent on the bunting for my stall.
Oh, and the 50 I set aside for Shrub's birthday present.
(WHISPERS) It's an iguana.
Don't tell my bro.
Do you wanna come over later and "Fortnite"? Yeah, no.
We are not friends.
He's just the only person in town with a working PlayStation.
- Yes! - Oh, yeah! - Oh! - God.
How are you doing it? ROBOT SCARECROW: Beep, beep, boop, bop, bop.
Oh, that's hilarious! Yeah, that's not a scarecrow.
That is a talking box.
ROBOT SCARECROW: Candy apples do not compute! Do not compute.
Who is that? Who is that? ROBOT SCARECROW: Beep, beep, bop, bop.
Why does the scarecrow have a robot voice? ROBOT SCARECROW: Because I am a robot.
(LAUGHTER) Kelly, hey.
Have you considered joining the Historical Society? Because, you know, for just $25, you can preserve Flatch's great past and secure its future.
Mm, no, Nadine.
I have not considered joining the society - because I'm not 75 years old.
- NADINE: And you don't look it.
Ooh, ooh, be really careful, really old.
Believe it or not, in second grade, Kelly and I were, like, best friends, but I guess I kept achieving and she just never did achieve anything at all.
I consider Colonel Robert Flatch to be my personal mentor 'cause, you know, he was just 25 when he founded this town in 1810.
25 years old.
It's such a funny story.
Colonel Flatch gets lost one night with his regiment, and he ends up right here, it turns out, where they built this latrine.
That one, right there.
Just to think, one whole town started with one little hole.
It gives me chills to think about it.
Anyway, it's my job to protect it because, at town events, unfortunately, people like to use it as a Porta Potti.
Almost there.
Time for the unveiling.
It's a prime spot, and I am ready.
Uh, this is my spot.
I'm sorry, Shrub, but I was given this area.
No, I signed up for that spot with Mrs.
Wicks months ago.
I'm sorry, Shrub.
That's not what the map says.
No, God, Beth has to see me win.
And that's not even a scarecrow.
That is a teddy bear in a hat.
(CROW CAWS) Oh, my God! Even the crows can see that! Well, it says here that you're at Piswall Farm.
There is no way in hell I'm going there.
You know how they, like, release a McRib in February, and you get all excited, and then they just take it away like it never happened? Like, that's how I feel right now betrayed.
Did you tell people to come vote for me? Can you help me look for my sneaker, please? Your shoe does not weigh as much as a skillet.
There's, like, no comparison.
Okay, I told everyone to come, but everyone's really into the robot scarecrow.
Oh, my God, there's no such thing as a robot scarecrow! There are no crows in space! Oh, check it out.
I got a video of it twerking.
It's insane.
That's really awesome! Are you kidding me? Father Joe's been working with Shrub on his anger issues.
He actually, uh, signed him up for this online class, but then Shrub sent the teacher a bunch of middle finger emojis, so that was that.
Levi? What? Now? Ugh! - They moved skillet toss time up! - What? They moved skillet toss time up! - Why? - More people signed up.
Oh, my God! No, puddle, ah! (LAUGHS) Well, I'm young at heart, you know? (LAUGHS) How old are you? June, who just signed up? NADINE: It was I.
Oh, my God.
I thought it was someone who could actually beat me.
Oh, Nadine beats Kelly at, like, everything.
In second grade, it was Little Miss Flatch.
In fourth grade, she won the pie eating contest against Kelly.
And then eighth grade, Kelly asked Dylan Parney to the school dance, and then he married Nadine.
Okay, Kelly, Maybe if you had a job, winning a little contest wouldn't matter so much.
I have a job.
I'm an influencer.
Heard of it? Oh, that's great.
Who are you influencing? Uh, Levi, Nathan S, Nathan G for starters.
NADINE: Oh, the little kids.
Hey, somebody's ready for their lunch.
Okay, well, I left you a Lean Cuisine on the counter, Dylan.
I told you that.
- I meant the baby.
- Oh.
Hey, Kelly.
Good luck today.
Good luck to you too.
Thank you.
Okay, give me Chantal.
Dylan, careful.
Is she going to breastfeed in the latrine? Last night she did it on the StairMaster.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Take as many potatoes as you want, son.
Uh, whoa, you fill out your voting form? Let me see.
Shrub Mallet, first place.
ALL: Oh! Get out of my field! Pass your ballots! You gave away Mr.
Piswall's potatoes? No, people went in and took them! And he sold my pig for 50 bucks! No, I Lester gave me money, and then the pig followed him to his car.
Shrub, I I'm going to need you to apologize to Mr.
Why don't you apologize to me? Because you're the one who gave me the wrong, crappy location.
- Are you calling my farm crap? - I am! I run a pristine venture out there! Mm.
And you and your friends go in there and muck it all up.
Look at this, Father.
Look at this.
This was right in the middle of my field.
Oh, right, well, I have no idea whose that is.
Yes! Shrub, apologize now.
I'm sorry.
- [BLEEP.]
happy now? - Oh, that's it! You're disqualified.
God, you should be thanking me for getting rid of that pig! It pooped everywhere.
- Don't forget my 50 bucks.
- SHRUB: Diarrhea farm! (GRUNTS) He means well.
KELLY: You were totally robbed.
It's just I spent three months making this.
I spent all my money on orchard grass - so my hay wouldn't get mites.
- I know.
It's just like Beth.
H-how's school? - Sanitary.
- SHRUB: Oh.
Hey, bro, let me help you with that! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Are you kidding me, Mickey? - What? - God! See you tonight! Party at my place! Yeah, I'm not coming over! Hey, those potatoes had worms.
Screw you.
They were free! This whole town has it out for me! See? Mallets have enemies everywhere.
CHERYL: Five minutes till the skillet toss! Okay, I'm gonna show them.
Let's go! Hey, hey, put on your other shoe! Copy that! Hey, June, have you seen Shrub anywhere? I'm afraid I haven't.
Is something wrong? Yeah, there was a mix-up.
I ran into Mrs.
Wicks, and it turns out she had given Shrub your location.
She wrote it on the back of her pill prescription, and then she forgot to take her pills.
Oh, dear, not again.
Let me go ask Bessie.
Joe, can you please change your Tinder profile pic from the one I took of you? That is just cruel.
You're on Tinder? Yes, Joe, I am single now too.
Wait, were you the picture of the Siamese cat in the overalls that swiped right on me? Mm-mm.
(COWBELL RINGS) Okay, let's give it up for Mandy Matthews.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Go, Mandy! MANDY: There's three things that get me focused: a spicy meat stick, my man Garth Brooks, here, and the third thing is proprietary.
- ALL: Ooh! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) CHERYL: That was a big one! Looks like that is 32 feet.
- And 2 inches.
- 2 inches.
Good job, Mandy, okay.
And now we have Kelly Mallet.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Raise it up! Raise it up! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - (METAL CLANKS) - MATT: (GRUNTS) Oh, geez! FATHER JOE: Get EMS, EMS! Is he dead? SHRUB: Yeah, so the guy Kelly kneecapped, like, best friends with her dad.
Like, they started a construction company together.
This is, like, bad optics, as they say.
MATT: (GROANING) - Yes! - KELLY: Yeah, Nadine won.
SHRUB: Yeah, but, like, no one saw, so, like, whatever.
Hardly counts.
Skillet toss winner goes to Nadine Parney! Okay, excuse me.
Thank you.
- I have a speech.
Thank you.
Quite a throw, Kel.
I didn't mean to take out Matt.
Hell, don't apologize to me.
Did me a favor.
Guy tried to feel up Jessie at the Reef last week.
If you hadn't clocked him, I would've.
- Yeah? - You got a good arm, kid.
- FATHER JOE: First place - I got it from you.
FATHER JOE: For the scarecrow award Yeah, you did.
- (CHUCKLES) - But your aim's for [bleep.]
FATHER JOE: Goes to the robot scarecrow.
See you, Pops.
Great job.
Great job.
Okay, okay.
No showboating.
No showboating.
Okay, go to the side.
Now, I just want to give out a special award to someone whose creativity was head and shoulders above the rest.
Has anyone seen Shrub Mallet? Shrub, you out there? (PEOPLE PANICKING INDISTINCTLY) FATHER JOE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (FIRE CRACKLES) Whew! Someone call the fire department! Not helping, June.
Someone call the fire department! Oh, wow.
Oh, geez.
(FIREWORKS POP AND CRACKLE) People, focus! - Everybody, stay calm.
- (ROCKET WHISTLES) (ROBOT SCARECROW SCREAMING) (EXPLOSION) - (CHEERING) - This is not part of it! (FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND EXPLODING) Stop cheering! - (CHEERS CONTINUE) - Stop cheering! Somebody could die! Focus! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Okay, it's pretty great.
KELLY: So they actually ended up selling like a bunch of fireworks for Fourth of July after that.
I mean, it was a pretty impressive show.
Hot off the presses.
Read it and weep.
Beth is gonna want me so bad now.
"Local Man Fires Up Festival.
" Okay, look at you! I mean, it's not the front page, but Police blotter's always third page.
You'll get front soon.
Where's Nadine's win? Uh, page five under "home care aides available.
" (LAUGHTER) Winners! Winners.

Next Episode