Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Jesus Take The Wheel

1 Watch this.
You wanna maybe go? Oh, wait, let me think.
Uh, how about No thanks, Fargas.
Falls for it every time.
Hey, Shrub and Kelly.
Wow, look at you two together.
We're buying decorations for Beth's birthday party tomorrow.
It's a royal family theme.
Happy birthday.
It's not today.
I don't think.
Beth's parents full-on think the government's out to get them, okay? So they, like, don't pay their taxes and they hoard soup and all their kids were, like, born in their barn with no birth certificate.
Also, she was, like, homeschooled, so she, like, knows things like how to use a crossbow and the history of the royal family.
And, like, didn't know who Oprah was until two years ago.
Well, like, ha happy birthday whenever it is.
Invite Shrub to your party, Beth, this is pathetic.
Oh, I didn't think you'd wanna come.
It's mostly just girls and Mickey.
I really actually don't even know if I'm free, so - He's free.
- Shut up.
Well, it's from 2:00 to 4:00 and everyone's gonna wear a hat because royals always wear hats at parties.
You're gonna take turns reading from "Harry Potter"? Who's Harry Potter? Okay? No, no way.
Why? It's a party and a hat in one.
You can put a bunch of ginger ale right here, bag of pop rocks here.
Boom, party of one, mind blown.
No, I need like a crown or something.
Like something better than whatever freaking sad hat Mickey's gonna wear to this party.
Also, I need to get Beth a super dope gift.
Well, you can't get her a decent education, 'cause, yeah, that ship has sailed.
Oh, there's a craft store in Dayton.
I have to go there.
What's the name of that taxi guy? - Dick? - Yes.
He shut down.
He had a suspended license and a stolen car.
- Why don't you have a car? - Why don't you have a car? So Shrub doesn't even have his license.
He's failed the test like three times.
The last time he took the test, uh, he ran over this huge squirrel and it, like, totally scarred him.
And the testing guy.
Oh, my God.
- That's brilliant.
- Ow! So you'd like to start a taxi service? High end rideshare company.
Father, what you don't understand about me is that I come from a long line of business tycoons.
My dad has his Christmas tree farm, his corn maze, and his mom ran a super successful black market cigarette ring in prison.
It's in my blood.
I'm like an idiot savant, but with business ideas.
Like, here, give me an item in this room.
Um, this stapler.
Mm Pass.
Give me another.
This paperweight.
- Pass, another one.
- Why don't you just tell me about your idea? Okay, thank you.
So, Flatch's lack of transportation options is a need that is waiting to be exploited, by me.
All that's missing is a vehicle to exploit with.
And you know no one else with a car? Shrub's nan has a car, but a stray cat gave birth in it last week, and so it's out of commish until we get a wet vac.
I'm just I'm not sure I'm comfortable lending you my car, Kelly.
All right, I guess I have to go back to selling my body once again.
You were a prostitute? Negatory.
Medical center paid me to try out their blood pressure cuffs.
Okay, fine, you can use my car for two hours a day, but no food inside, no going over 40, and if I need it, you have to bring it right back.
And you'll pay me for that? I will not.
Hey, Nadine, do you know if the copier's broken? Um, do I look like a copier technician? Oh, I don't know what one looks like.
Okay, well, it's not me, Cheryl.
Oh, gosh, with the lack of stories to report on in Flatch, I guess this broken copier is just gonna be my lead, huh? Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I'm in a historical society crisis right now.
Someone stole the "Welcome to Flatch" sign.
Oh, well, do tell.
Okay, well, it happens every year during "Pockton days.
" Someone from Pockton comes over, they steal the town's sign, and I bet they think they're so funny, - but you know what's not funny? - No.
Going to prison for stealing federal property.
I think we have a crime.
The Pockton rivalry, it's been going on for centuries, ever since Colonel Robert Flatch fought in the area in the 1800s and then sold Pockton for a few apple seeds and an orphan.
Then he settled in Flatch.
They're just very jealous.
Huh, so you're starting a cab company, huh? It's not a cab.
A rideshare experience.
Oh, don't those usually use apps? Like I know anyone who could make an app.
I could, but no biggie.
Next time.
Ooh, I got to get to the Post Office to pick up my custom hat that just arrived from Etsy.
Seriously? Why does everyone care about a party for the most boring girl in the world? Beth is a complicated and fascinating creature.
I knew it.
You are into her.
No need for worry, my bro.
We're just friends.
Did I let her give me a gel pedicure? Yes, I did.
I am utterly smitten with Beth.
It was Mickey's idea to do the hats and the pedicure.
I always wanted a gay best friend.
Very exciting day.
First day of Kuber.
Okay, remember, Beth's party starts at 2:00 and I need a present and my art supplies so I can make this sick hat.
I call it King Trucker.
Relax, I'll get you to Dayton.
Man, it almost feels like you like Beth more than your own cousin.
First official ride call.
Less drawing, more customer service, okay? I need you on the switchboard.
- Welcome to Kuber.
- Welcome to Kuber.
Oh, I am so glad that you guys are here.
Where to, miss? Pockton, please.
Why the hell would you ever wanna go to that hell hole? They're our sworn mortal enemies.
- Yeah.
- Oh, come on.
- This is so silly.
- Yeah? How about tell that to our uncle Nugget, okay? Last time he crossed town lines just to borrow a lawnmower - he came back missing two fingers.
- Yeah, and his pants.
To be fair, he didn't have pants on when he left, but that's not the point.
Oh, you want gum? Cheese cube? Water? Oh, no thanks.
You sure? I I can waterfall you from here.
I got perfect aim.
Check it.
I haven't been in this car in a long time.
Oh, yeah, bet you and Father Joe had a lot of, uh, adventures in that backseat, huh? Stop, that's offensive.
Please do not let that affect your Yelp review.
Okay, here we are.
What? Where's the town? It's like a half a mile that way.
This is as far as I'll go.
Too many enemies across the line, okay? Oh, for heaven's sake.
That'll be $20, minus your $1 first rider discount.
Also, I have no change.
Already headed to our second call.
Minus snacks, we're up 10 bucks.
That's what you call a success.
Okay, reminder, the party starts in two hours.
I'm sorry, are you not enjoying that blueberry frozen drink purchased with my earnings? Perhaps you wanna speak to HR? Shut up, you are not the boss of me.
I am.
So, Big Mandy, how's your day been going? I prefer not to talk to drivers.
Customer's always right.
Put this in.
Let's go, girls.
♪ Yeah, turn this up! I'm going out tonight ♪ I'm feeling all right ♪ I'm gonna let it all hang out ♪ People know I'm a winner.
Arm wrestling, karaoke contests, making fruit preserves at the competitive level.
I know I'm [BLEEP.]
They know I'm [BLEEP.]
I know they know I'm [BLEEP.]
And that can be intimidating.
But, see, they don't know everything about me.
They don't know how I bawl at baby panda videos, or how I read to the old folks at the library on Tuesdays.
But just the romantic [BLEEP.]
, 'cause that's my jam.
I'm super emotional.
Especially when you cross me.
And then I get super emotional all over your sorry ass.
Why, hello there.
What can I do you for? I am doing an investigative piece about the missing Flatch sign.
Oh, hold up, you're, um You're the new editor of The Flatch Patriot, right? I am.
Um, Cheryl Peterson.
Jimmy Jameson.
Publisher, Pockton Gazette.
Oh, well, so nice to meet a fellow news hound.
Mm-hmm, so you're saying your sign, it went missing? Oh, I know, it sounds so silly.
I mean, a rivalry between two small towns? Why? Right? Well, I doubt it was stolen.
It's probably just some Flatch kids getting into trouble, per usual.
Actually, my sources say that it happens every single year, and it is someone in Pockton.
If someone from Pockton, theoretically, stole your sign, I'd say you need to look far and wide mm-hmm in, but outside, to find it.
Is that a riddle? Is it? Okay.
Yeah, I see what you're doing.
- Yeah.
- You are playing right into this rivalry, huh? Why would I bother competing against a sad rag with a circulation of 508 when I've won Best Regional Weekly four years in a row now? Okey dokey, thank you so much for your help.
Mm-hmm, any time, Cheryl.
I'm actually at 534 now.
You got to get your facts straight.
It's a newspaper.
All righty, ma'am.
That will be $15.
I'm gonna do you a solid and pay you in a tattoo.
I'm doing an intro pricing at $50 a pop.
- Ah, I prefer cash.
- Yeah.
I'm running a small business here.
Yeah, same here.
I just paid my tattoo kit off in full.
Come on in, pick a design.
- Yeah, no thanks.
- Yeah, we're, um, on a schedule right now, so Yeah, well, some Let's do it another time? Yeah.
You don't think I'd be any good at it? - I don't are you se? - No.
- I bet you're so good at it.
- I bet you're really good.
All right, come on, let's go.
These are really unique.
I know, right? Why don't you just, uh, pick that rose? Hmm? No, that's, uh that's Zayn Malik from One Direction.
My tattoo art is heavily influenced by Keith Haring, Basquiat, and that little elephant they taught to paint.
With a little brush.
- You like The Rock? - Yeah.
I got a design of him riding Jimmy Fallon like a bull.
We can do that.
Yeah, sure, that one would definitely take like a really long time, though, - so maybe something smaller? - Yeah, we don't really have - Yeah.
- No, no, no, ten minutes, tops.
As a female running a small business, I've, like, an obligation to support other female-run small businesses.
And when a female-run tattoo removal shop opens, I'm gonna support them too.
Just drop me off here.
I'll I'll take the bus to Dayton.
I'm gonna remember you abandoning the business just as it was taking off, okay? - Oh.
- No stock options for you.
- Aw.
- You just lost out on billions, bro.
- Billions.
- Billions.
Yeah, well, guess what.
I'm done with you, Jackie Chan.
It's Jackie Chain from Dragon Lord.
That those are teeny little feet, doing a backflip.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Fargas? No, Far Far Fargas.
Fargas, no! No! Fargas! No! Damn it! You understand you're gonna have to start back in the training program now.
Shut up.
Oh, my God, Kelly.
Look at this cringey music Father Joe jams to.
A-Men? It's like some cheesy church [BLEEP.]
That's him, with the Bieber hair.
- That's Father Joe! - Oh, my God.
- Put it in! Put it in! - Shut up! Oh, my God, what? Yes, it's true, I was in a very successful spiritual boy band in the late '90s.
We were huge in Germany.
- Got you in my car ♪ - Yeah, that's me.
- Riding in the hood ♪ - Right there.
Lead singer, and I also did all the choreography.
But of course, it was the Big Guy who was the lead, but you know what I mean? Yeah, we, uh we did a mega church tour.
We were very popular on the sweet 16 party circuit.
Then I decided to go on my own.
Tiger Beat said that I was gonna be as big as Cosmopolitan Yogurt.
It was a yogurt created by the magazine Cosmopolitan.
Bad miscalculation.
Heaven's our destination ♪ - D-W-I, yeah, up there ♪ - Whoo! ♪ Get out.
Farr and Wyde? "In, but outside.
" In, but outside.
Come on.
Farr and Wyde, Inn, but outside.
Yes! Okay.
Excuse me.
Oh, watch your head.
Dude, just keep her from opening presents - until I get there, okay? - Get off the phone! Ugh, Mickey said they're eating Yorkshire pudding and I don't even know what that is, but the pudding part means that they're already at dessert, so thank you.
There's my dad.
No, no, I beg you, please.
- No.
God! - Hi, Dad! You need a lift? I'm running a rideshare company now.
You mean like a taxi? Uh, upscale chauffeured experience.
Dads ride for free.
Nah, I'm good.
- I got a tattoo.
- What'd you get? - Jackie Chan.
- Yeah? From Armor of God? Dragon Lord.
Oh, Kell.
Ah, that's an actual person, wants an actual ride.
Wish I could stay.
You know how it is running a business.
Um, where are you? Be safe.
Dude, I cannot believe you got our sign back.
I know! I have so much adrenaline coursing through my body.
- Oh, my.
- I could I could knit a coat.
- Pockton's gonna be so pissed.
- Oh, my God.
Like, this took the rivalry to a whole new level.
They could come after us.
That would be awesome.
Group fight! Um, I don't know about you, but I think it's time for some celebratory tunes.
Is this A-Men? I was the, uh, president, uh, of the first and well, the only A-Men Fan Club.
That's how Joe and I met.
Oh, but, um, I wanna be clear.
Uh, we didn't date back then.
That would've been a huge conflict of interest.
No, we we ran into each other five years later at a car wash.
He did that little thing that he does with his hip, you know.
He ran his hands through his hair and I just Goner.
Are you, uh Are you okay? Yeah, I'm gonna get the Do you, uh Do you need help? Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No, I got it! I got it.
Ooh! Hi, I need my car.
No! No! Father, just so you know, your selfish need to visit a parishioner has kept me from the woman that I love.
Oh, I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
- Yeah, well, I do.
- He doesn't, okay? He lusts after Beth and she doesn't know he exists.
- Shut up.
- Well, then you need to show her that you exist, take your light from underneath your bushel.
Wait, is that your He doesn't mean your wenis, doofus.
Shut up, I knew that.
So I told Luanne if she insisted on growing her ferns so close to my property line, it would be her job to trim them.
- I see.
- And she hasn't.
And don't get me started on her invasive sumac.
Oh, we won't.
It's like living in The Jungle Book.
June, I thought you said this was an emergency.
I wrote her a note and left it on her door, and she won't respond.
Let me take care of this.
I'm gonna talk to Luanne.
Thank you, Father.
More ginger snaps? I got the recipe from Brenda Haskell.
Guess what the secret ingredient is.
- Old man thumb.
- Oh, my God, nobody cares about your ferns or your cookies or your gimpy leg that swells when it rains, June.
Well, you would if it were your leg.
Also this is mine now.
I I can't let him go alone.
Yeah, I'm gonna come with you.
Please, please, please.
But, Father, you haven't guessed the ingredient yet.
Okay, five minutes to spare.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
My bro.
You missed the soiree of the century.
Hey! Jackie Chan! I need another ride.
I can't hear you.
No one's in the car.
I need another ride.
- What's wrong? - Hey! Kelly's gonna get another crappy tattoo.
You got to be kidding me.
Are you serious? Squirrel! What is that? So Kelly had to buy Beth's dad a new mailbox and also replace the bumper on Father Joe's car.
She's working that part off by mowing the church lawn.
Levi, does that look like a straight line to you? Are we gonna need some more performance reviews, people? What do people have? Grass.
What do they need? Someone to cut it.
What do I have? Business sense.
Welcome to Mallet's Mowers, yard and field maintenance.
But we're only open from 4:00 to 5:00 p.
After school.
We don't provide the lawnmower.
That's on the customer.
Also, we shut down in the summer.
Too hot.
Check it out.
I stole June's cookies and her napkin and made this.
No! No.
Those aren't yours.
No! God.

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