Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

The Devil's Backbone

1 So there's not a lot to do in Flatch, like, entertainment wise, so we make videos.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Go! Wow! Wait, wait.
This is our best one.
Hey, followers.
Today we're about to bear mace Shrub in the face.
Three, two, one! [BLEEP.]
! - Oh, God! - Does it hurt? Oh, it burns, it burns.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow! [BLEEP.]
If you're old, you might not know this, but reunion videos are very popular online.
Yes, yes.
So we landed a whale.
Okay, Julius from Father Joe's old religious boy band, A-Men, is in town.
He's playing a show in Pockton.
Yeah, and we're gonna get him here, and we're gonna film that reunion with Father Joe.
I'm an influencer.
That's a fact, okay? But in terms of, you know, numbers, we've technically never gotten over 25 views on a video, but if we get our numbers up, we could become, like, legit mega influencers, AKA, loads of free stuff.
Like, I follow this one girl, and sometimes cases of chips will just show up at her house.
You know, like flavors that aren't even out yet, like "hot vanilla crunch.
" I like to start my mornings off with a run.
You know? It's a great way to enjoy some peace and quiet.
Most of the rest of my days are spent listening to people complain.
Not that I'm complaining.
Yeah, that's my job.
Heavy is the neck that wears the minister's collar.
Do you think you own the sidewalk? Sometimes the complaints bleed into the run.
Dude, I cannot believe you actually got Julius to come here.
Like, what did you even say? Nothing.
Persuasion is one of my skills.
I can also suck my stomach in weird so it looks like E.
's face.
What? This only has, like, three greens.
What a rip-off.
So I'm actually pretty much an expert on what musicians like when they're on tour.
I read most of an article about it.
All green M&M's is a big one.
Probably where the term green room comes from.
This is serious.
We have a celebrity coming, okay? My job is to keep him happy.
Happy Julius equals happy reunion video equals hot vanilla crunch Doritos.
Simple math.
I did see that Julius is playing Pockton, and in fact, I'm going to interview him for my book about A-Men.
I started it a long time ago, but I put it aside to get my life together, and now that that's done, time to do the darn thing.
My working title is The A-Men Bible.
Who am I kidding? That's the title.
Hey, Nadine.
Oh, hi, Cheryl.
You're standing between me and my seaweed chips.
- Oh, sorry.
- Thanks.
- Bye, lovebug.
- Bye.
I got a good feeling about this.
Don't, don't jinx it, Dylan.
- God - Sorry.
Scoot past you.
What was that about? Dylan and I have a really small window to make baby number two if we want to be on track for three kids by the time I turn 26.
Did you just have sex in the historical society? Cheryl, I really prefer to say "making love.
" Okay? Now excuse me.
Gotta go lay in a weird position.
There he is! Hello, Julius.
Sick bike.
Where's the dying kid? You told him I was dying? What the hell, dude? It was the only way to get him here without ruining the surprise reunion.
Just play along until we get the video.
Let's get to it! Okay, Julius.
Please help yourself to anything here.
We have M&M's.
All green, obviously.
Not an idiot.
Pineapple soda.
Oh, and this is a special edition Minions 2 Jell-O pudding.
Can I just get a water? Of course.
Sparkling or tap? Definitely sparkling.
Is tap okay? Yeah, not a great start.
I mean, we don't even drink the water.
I know you got a million questions for me, so hit me.
What do you want to know? This is your moment.
He just He must be so nervous.
He's definitely not so dumb that he can't think of a single question.
Yeah, how about this? What's your favorite song of mine? Um, song? Oh, that's a toughy.
Probably all of them? - You want to sing one? - No, that Come on, get up, get up.
Gotta do the move.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yahweh ♪ Yahweh ♪ Or the highway ♪ Do the move.
Do the move.
Yahweh ♪ - Yahweh ♪ - Yahweh ♪ Or the highway ♪ Do the choreography.
Highway ♪ Yahweh ♪ I'm gonna kill her.
Yahweh ♪ Okay, you guys, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we actually have to head over to the church for another big surprise.
Look, this better not be another dying kid, 'cause I only agreed to one.
No, sir.
You were very clear in your email.
Who's driving? The gardening club's big meatloaf dinner fundraiser is tonight.
The ladies are very particular.
Father Joe.
Did you remember to change out those buffet warmers, for electric? I did, June.
Okay, now.
Joe? What are you doing here? You guys should, like, hug and reunite.
Excuse me, I just have to Probably just shock.
He's so happy.
Uh-oh, oh, oh, we got a runner.
We got a runner.
Hey, buddy.
We kind of lost you back there.
How're you doing? Kelly, you just can't spring something like that on me.
My relationship with A-Men is complicated.
I had a pretty big ego back then, and it didn't end great.
It was bad.
It was at the religious music awards, the Goddys, and, for some reason, that was the night that Joe decided to tell the band that he was going solo.
I thought they'd be happy for me.
Solo Joe.
I wasn't thinking straight.
It's hard to keep your ego in check when your face is on posters next to Jesus.
When we won our Goddy, things only got worse.
Joe hogged the mic for the entire speech.
And you could just see Julius fuming.
Finally, he lunges at the mic, and they start wrestling, and Joe rips off one of Julius' shirt sleeves.
Joe's shirt was already sleeveless.
By the end, they were just rolling around on the ground.
I mean, it was crazy.
I was there.
After that, we went our separate ways.
But Julius, he loved the band.
I took away the one good thing he had.
Look at it this way, you know? This could be your chance to clear the air.
You know? That's actually a very good point, Kelly.
Thank you for listening.
No problem, of course.
You know, and when you do talk to him, definitely don't be scared to, you know, shed a few tears.
Let's get you up.
Oh, okay.
- Meatloaf dinner, huh? - Mm-hmm.
That's pretty cool.
But you know what's really cool? Spaghetti dinner.
If you have the right sauce.
Tomato Julius.
Certified organic farm-to-jar perfection.
Music? Sure, I love it.
But sauce? That's my jam.
Oh, what the hey! Meatballs are just tiny meatloaves anyway.
Spaghetti dinner it is.
Now that's a smart tomato.
It's so lovely of you to come visit your old friend, Joe.
I'm not here for Joe.
I'm here 'cause that kid's dying.
Great, now June thinks I'm dying, which means the whole town is gonna think I'm dying in about 10 minutes.
Word travels fast in Flatch.
- Oh! Oh - Sorry.
Hey, hey, hey.
Remember to do push-ups later, okay? 'cause we want to keep the blood flowing.
And be home by five, sharp.
Five sharp.
Got it.
Bye, okay, thanks, champ.
Could you maybe not use the communal restroom to make love? I mean, I could go to Dylan, but I maintain a career here.
It's called having it all.
Okay, maybe just hide it better? Well, I'm sorry that I don't want to end up with only two kids, a husband who loves me, an amazing career, and a geriatric uterus.
Think about it.
I would rather be dead.
No offence.
I just wanted to apologize for letting my head get too big and for the fight.
And the shirt? You ruined my best shirt.
Yes, and the shirt.
But really for leaving the band like that.
I just I feel so guilty.
I robbed you of so much.
Joe, come on, man.
Robbed me? My life's great.
I mean, sure, I hated you at the time, but I have zero regrets.
I got my solo career, kids, gorgeous wife, I mean, you should see her.
Even more gorgeous tomato farm.
Okay? I should be thanking you.
I have two boats! Really? Two boats? Yeah, you gotta have two in case one breaks, right? It's kinda hard to hear what you guys are saying.
Could you speak up? Kelly, can you just give us a moment? Okay.
So what about you? You gotta be still performing, right? No, no.
Fans? Yeah, I'm actually the minister of this church.
Oh, you know what? I did hear that.
You know, you must really love this place.
I took a peek at your office, and that thing is smaller than some of my closets.
You married? No.
Girlfriend, right? Fiancée? Nope.
You got, like, a dog or anything? Well, he seems to be doing well.
Very well.
Way better than I am, actually.
That's a load off.
Okay, Shrub.
- You can let go now.
- Sorry.
So what do you want to do next? You wanna learn some choreography? Um, no, I'm pretty wiped.
A side effect of dying, I guess.
Hey listen, if this kid's spent, that's fine.
I mean, I'm pretty exhausted too, so you got a place I can take a nap? Okay.
- You stuck? - Help me.
It's like no one cares that I'm dying.
Everyone's just going about their business.
The mailman saw me staring right at him.
I mean, it's been hours.
Everyone knows by now.
I have not gotten a single call or text.
Not even stupid Mickey.
Hey, when Julius wakes up and comes downstairs, I'm gonna need you to hit him with the bear mace.
Cool? Kelly, I think I know why no one cares that I'm dying.
Because you're not dying? Yeah, but they don't know that, Kelly.
So everyone technically should be freaking out, and they're not, and you know why? Because I totally wasted my life.
- That's ridiculous.
- No, I have.
I have completely wasted it.
I should have tried to meet my father.
I should told my nana I loved her more.
I should have made things work with Beth, my one true love.
Obviously my biggest regret I never went down the Devil's Backbone.
The Devil's Backbone is this, like, super scary drop-off that kids would go down on their scooters back when scooters were a thing, and, like, if you did it, like, you were an instant legend, but every time I went up, I just chickened out, so now that is my legacy.
There's only one answer to a meaningless life.
Devil's Backbone.
You dropping in? Yeah.
You can go ahead of me.
Go ahead.
It's easy.
Bro, you're laming up The Backbone.
Just go, you baby.
Shut up, Levi.
Nobody cares.
- Shut up.
I have a process.
- Hey, Shrub, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just a man who's completely done nothing with his life.
- Yeah, I'm great.
- Okay.
I can see my tombstone now.
Here lies Shrub Mallet.
Big-ass failure.
And, like, a super cool skull with flames coming out of the eyes, I don't know.
Is it expensive to get pictures on there? So I'm in the middle of a run, and I got that spaghetti dinner in an hour, so if you're okay, I can, you know Wow, wow.
This is bad.
You're literally paid to care about people, and even you don't even care that I'm dying.
Dying? Nobody told me you're dying.
Exactly! I'm not actually dying, I'm just Do you ever just, like, feel like you missed your chance to matter? Not you, obviously, 'cause you're just, like, God's soldier or whatever, but No, actually, I know what you mean.
If I would have stuck with A-Men, maybe things would have been different for me.
I could have had a house, you know? A wife.
She would have worked at the newspaper.
We could have kids.
I would have had a recording studio in the basement.
Dave Matthews would have stopped by just to jam.
At least one boat.
A French Bulldog named Sausage.
Or Bacon, as long as it's a breakfast meat.
You make your choices.
Now I'm here.
You totally blew it.
Oh, huh, oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God.
Did you just see that? I did.
Did I do a backflip? I can't even I blacked out.
I don't even remember.
There he is.
Surprise, Shrub.
Yeah, Shrub! If you're sick, everyone loves you.
This is no longer a fundraiser for the garden club.
We used a melon baller on all the meatloaf and made it into a spaghetti fundraiser for you Wow.
Wait, really? - Yeah, really? - Yep, mm-hmm, yeah.
Wait, so, like, everyone does care? Of course we care.
We won't have any zinnias next year, but hopefully we'll still have a Shrub.
Um, okay, um so quick announcement, um Actually, hold on.
Wow, um, these past 24 hours have taught me just a lot about just about my legacy here on planet Earth.
Today I went down the Devil's Backbone.
- Whoo! - Yes.
That's right! Yeah, you've got to face your fears, people.
So, like, now, I'm a legend.
I guess I just I had never realized how quickly you can go from being no one to, like, definitely someone.
And it's never too late.
And the best part of this whole thing: I learned all of that, and I'm not even dying, you guys.
- What? - Like, at all.
Big misunderstanding.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, it's a win-win.
That's awesome, guys.
Thank you so much for this.
Let's eat.
Well, I'm happy he's going to live, but truthfully, I'm happier I'm getting my zinnias.
Hey, hey.
You didn't think I'd miss a spaghetti party with my own sauce, did you? Hey, I'm still so sorry Reunion! Sing a song! Sing a song! Sing a song! Sing a song! Sing a song! Okay, okay, I get it, I get it, stop.
Come on, Joe, let's sing for them, man.
Oh, I would, but I don't have any instruments.
No, I got the backing tracks right here.
I keep them in the cloud so I can do karaoke in all my mansions.
You don't know nothing about that.
- No.
- Come on.
Make some noise for A-Men.
Father Joe, y'all, it's Father Joe.
A-Men! ♪ D-W-I! ♪ Come on, girl.
♪ Got you in my car ♪ Riding in the hood ♪ Don't know where we are going ♪ But it's somewhere pretty good ♪ The big man's got a plan ♪ We just going for the ride ♪ So hang on to me baby ♪ And let him slip inside ♪ Baby, I know you love me ♪ And I love you too ♪ Better love me! So go ahead and let him touch you ♪ It's all good ♪ All good.
Let him touch you! Honk the horn on them! ♪ Uh-uh.
Start the engine on them.
♪ Whoo.
♪ A-Men.
♪ Come on! ♪ Get the holy way.
♪ In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
♪ D-W-I ♪! Heaven's our destination ♪ D-W-I ♪ Yeah! Up there ♪ So I decided not to video the performance.
It would have gotten a ton of views, but I learned something this week.
You know, sometimes you just gotta be present, or else you end up experiencing your whole life just through your phone.
Also, my battery died.
Thank you, Flatch! We love you! It was awesome to perform again.
But you know what? I don't want Julius's life.
I like this one.
I like being in a town that cares about zinnias and fake dying kids.
Also, Cheryl did some digging, and it turns out that Julius' two boats are kayaks.
That's, like, half a boat at best.
I'm not saying that makes me feel any better, but it doesn't make me feel any worse.
Hey, we're going live! No, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Not only is this video gonna blow up, but Julius just gave us 20 bucks just so Shrub would wear a Tomato Julius shirt.
Plus we get to keep the shirt.
Whoo! Oh! Oh, my God, wait.
We have 52 views and counting, dude.
Wait, that's our best one yet.
, [BLEEP.]
I'm good.

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