Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e10 Episode Script

On the Hooky

So it's actually a pretty big day, so gotta fuel up.
Today's actually gonna be our first Saturday apart from each other since, like, 2004 because I got a job.
Um, yeah.
I'm working at Dylan's dad's car dealership, which is crazy.
- I'm so pumped up though.
- Yeah.
I've got a ton of plans today too, so it's no big deal that Shrub can't be around, you know? I can finally cross some stuff off my to-do list, which I would show you guys, but it's a private list.
Uh, and, you know, just know that it's really long, so I guess I'm just, like, hoping for new friendships? Also to mess with people's radio presets.
Because I think that's Kelly? Not cool, Kelly! Smaller bites today, maybe? It's fine, okay? I can Heimlich myself.
I just don't know where to go after peace be with you.
Dot, dot, dot.
You got the three dots? Yeah.
It's called an ellipsis.
On Saturdays, Joe dictates his sermon and I type it up.
But today he was dealing with some major writer's block, making that expression my dog makes when she feels constipated.
And honestly, it's real uncomfortable.
I could do Footprints on the Beach.
I think we both know you're better than that.
Ugh! Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go out for a bit, all right? I'm gonna head to the driving range.
Hitting balls always helps me clear my head.
- You gonna play hooky? - Only for a few hours.
Come on.
If anybody asks, you just cover for me.
You say I'm, uh, doing, like, a hospice thing.
Too sad? Oh, you decide.
Welcome to Parney Motors.
I'm gonna give you a tour.
Um, right here we got the uh, sort of office car situation.
Uh, we got a vending machine back there, a couple trophies, a gumball machine with a bunch of candies.
Um, over here, we have the beverage station, unlimited sugar packets, which is dope.
Um, over there, I don't know, but I'm guessing that's where me and the boys are gonna chillax.
Um, let's see what else.
We've got pamphlets over there.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, Dylan.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Glad the job worked out.
- Yeah.
Well, let me show you the detailing bay.
This area's sort of for customers and uh, suits.
- Oh.
- It's my dad's rule.
- It's not mine.
- Yeah.
- I was wondering.
- Yeah.
But I'd love to catch up with you later though.
Kelly, what the heck? Hey, Father Joe.
I can't talk for long.
- I have a really busy day.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm headed to the driving range.
I've got some serious sermon brainstorming to do.
Okay, look at you, Tiger Woods.
I could come along if you wanted.
I think I can use some time alone.
Me too.
You read my mind.
- Don't - Oh.
Mugs are earned.
All right, people.
Time to get to work.
Phones in the box.
Can't have any texting in the bay.
You need to stay alert, focused.
No more accidents.
Last guy was swiping on Tinder and fell face first into the nozzle of an industrial vac.
They can do a lot with prosthetics, but at the end of the day, he really misses his nose.
So as far as I can tell, detailing means cleaning, which sucks, but I'm really trying to get in good with these guys.
Especially Dave.
Hey, working hard or hardly working, am I right, uh, fellas? So where the hell are all the gophers? Or is Caddyshack just like totally fiction? Oh, no.
This is so fun.
Yeah, Kelly is, as always, a hoot.
Here's the thing.
I need to take this time to destress and focus, #Selfcare, et cetera.
And I still don't have my sermon yet, and that's kind of literally my only job.
Shoe! Shoe! Shoe! - Don't screw up! - Cheese and crackers! Kelly! I just I need some peace and quiet, okay? Please respect that.
Fine, I'll just go find some used balls.
That's what she said.
Hi, hi.
You up for some lunch? No, I'm busy.
- Oh, what you workin' on? - Joe's sermon.
Makin' some grammatical changes and spicin' it up so people don't fall asleep and choke on their drool.
Oh, I usually Well, you know, I I used to do that for his sermons.
I can take a look.
No, I got it.
It's my job, so Oh, sorta my job too, because I'm a professional writer.
Editing just gets me so jazzed up.
Cheryl, you need to back the hell up right now.
- I am backed up.
- This is stupid.
Joe's out playing golf and we're both fighting over who gets to do his work for him.
This is some patriarchy [BLEEP.]
We should play hooky too.
'Cause I'm not gonna let you see the sermon, so Yeah, no, I don't wanna.
Let's play hooky.
Ladies' day.
Don't do that.
Oh, I-I-I didn't touch anything.
I don't know why that just did that.
You gotta really get in there, Shrub.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Wait, what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.
Hey! Hey, guys! Turn it off! Very funny, guys.
Very funny.
Traditional hazing.
Can't wait to see what you guys did to my sandwich.
You don't mess with a man's sandwich.
Sometimes, that's all that he has.
We did try and flush his hat down the toilet, though.
He just put it right back on.
That kid's either all right or all wrong.
Still deciding.
Kelly! Kelly, look out! Ooh! Kelly! Oh, geez! Kelly, I am so sorry! Where does it hurt? Shooting pains all up and down.
And yeah, big deal, I didn't shave my legs, 'cause it's not Tuesday ow! I don't see any marks! Oh, geez! I didn't touch anything.
Kelly says she hates drama, but I one time called her a drama queen, and she didn't talk to me for two days, so do the math.
Oh, um, do you need a wheelchair? There's no time! Well, good.
Thank you.
Are you not able to bend? Just bend your knees to sit down? - I don't trust them right now.
- Your knees? The most serious injuries are the ones you cannot see.
Like, they're called medical mysteries.
So, yeah, there's no visible mark on my leg, yet, but I feel pain all over.
The human body is designed to betray you.
Like, this is way more than a bruise, dude.
I did not need this today.
This will teach Shrub to abandon me on a Saturday of all days.
Okay, just calm down.
Have you tried calling him? Uh, duh! He's in my emergency contacts, so of course, I've tried calling him.
I've texted him.
I even sent him the poop emoji, which is our code for [BLEEP.]
going down.
I'm totally alone.
No offense.
Is there anyone who could come be with you right now, like maybe your mom or your dad? I don't want to be a burden.
Well, it's just that, you know, I haven't exactly finished my sermon, so I thought that was you, Father Joe, out in the wild.
Don't mean to bother you.
Just want to let you know you seem to be parked in a red zone out there.
Ah, geez! Thanks.
I'll go move it.
Ugh! Ow! Ah-ha-ha! Ugh.
- Guys givin' you a hard time? - Not really.
I can take it.
You just gotta prove yourself.
Then they'll leave you alone.
I can see that you are an artist, Shrub.
Really? Wait, did you see my wall art by the urinal? What? No.
I saw you vacuum the word "boobs" into that Camry carpet.
That is something I can work with.
Hell, yeah.
But I don't just apprentice anyone.
You have to be willing to do the work.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What about the guy that fell and doesn't have a nose anymore? - Shh.
- Oh, God.
- Relax.
- I don't like this.
I do not like this.
Now vacuum the crumbs.
Yeah, but I don't see the crumbs.
You have to feel them.
Oh, my God.
Take a deep breath.
Long enough to say the word "Linda" in your head.
- You got this.
- Ah! Linda is a great boss.
Other than Father Joe, basically zero other adults have ever believed I could do anything, ever.
Plus I'm used to having strong women tell me what to do.
I mean, even Beth had a quiet command of the room.
Linda, she kinda reminds me of my Nan a little bit, but like, way more mobile.
Broader shoulders.
Oh! I have not been day drinking in ages.
All right, Sandra Dee.
Calm down.
Part of playing hooky is not making a big deal about it.
Can we get two chardonnays? Oh, with ice, please, if you've got it.
- Ice? - To keep it cold.
Ice? Hold my phone.
I need to update my followers.
Grotesque injuries equal crazy views.
Okay, hold it up.
Ugh! What's up, homies? Just currently living that emergency room life.
If I don't make it out of here, I love every single one of you.
Except, you know who you are.
So basically, I took a ball to the kneecap at close range.
It was, like, fwho.
And I was, like, aaah! Kay, let me see.
Her injury seems to be getting worse? I don't even know how that's possible.
I mean, to be perfectly frank, I think it, uh, isn't very serious.
I mean, we have been here for an eternity.
You know, hooky in small doses is fine, but this is downright irresponsible.
Father Joe, I need help going to the bathroom.
It's number two.
Oh, I should find my phone and text that to Kelly.
She loves baby animals taking on the big scary world.
- Hey, kid.
- Hey.
We're gonna watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? It's what we do on our lunch break.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Uh, let me just get outta your hair.
No, you can join us if you want.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah? Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, I was just checkin' to see if you wanted to grab some Arby's.
Roast beef on me.
Uh, yeah, right, Dylan.
I would rather buff my own balls than get lunch with you.
Oh, and by the way, no suits allowed, dude.
Did it hurt my feelings? - All right.
- That's that.
It was more surprising than anything.
I was just trying to be nice.
Hey, Dylan, Dylan.
So sorry about that.
I've just got to keep up appearances, you know what I mean? It's just, like, really not cool to be seen with you, which is the opposite thing of high school, I know.
World's crazy, but um, I'll see you later, okay? I gotta say, the ice was a good call.
- Thank you.
- Well, hey there.
You know, I couldn't help but notice, even from all the way over there, that your eyes are intoxicating.
I know.
Oh, who here has tried colored contacts? Well, I need to use the little girls' room, but, uh, will you watch my wine? That lady is layin' it on thick.
I haven't been hit on like that in a while.
Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even notice! Yeah, I can barely navigate heterosexual flirting.
No, when she comes back, I'm gonna be your wingman Your wingperson It's a wing woman what? That's no, that's not necessary.
No, listen, I used to do this for my friends in Minneapolis all the time.
Consider the deal sealed.
If you're ordering a pizza, I'll take the No, I'm trying to reach Mandy, but she's not answering.
I warmed up the doctor for you.
Oh, thanks, but I'm here for her.
Oh, so nice of you to take the entire day off before the real work happens tomorrow on Sunday.
Well, I'm not taking the day off.
And uh, my sermon is already done, so I don't know what you're talkin' about.
He hit me with a projectile.
Peace be with you.
Also with you.
- Hey, hey, Kelly? - Mm? Um, if anyone asks, you don't really have to give them all the details of today, okay? Like, no one needs to know I was on the other end of that ball.
Or that I was even playing golf at all.
- Oh.
- I mean, none of that.
So, you want me to lie for you.
But you wouldn't let me write that I was a stunt woman on the intake form.
No, it's not a lie.
It's an omission of truth.
I think you're getting a parking ticket.
No! No! No! Shrub, I got a job for you.
It's an important one.
But I think you're ready for it.
Locked and loaded.
Ride or die.
God and glory.
Let's go.
Classic Mazda SUV.
Didn't look like much at first, but this thing was tricked out.
Leather steering wheel, so you know I busted out that horsehair.
Before today, I hadn't cleaned anything that wasn't my own body or, like, a dish.
But Linda taught me that everything can be just a little bit cleaner.
Also, I figured out a way to ride the buffer around.
Did you know that Mandy is an accomplished tattoo artist? Oh, really? Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but I have a tattoo of a little bundt cake on my ankle.
Oh, I love bundt cake.
Sliding Doors moment.
That's that's not how that works.
Do you enjoy baking? - I do not.
- Yes.
Me too.
Okay, right here, right now, favorite recipe blog.
On the count of three.
One, two.
- Muffin - To Worry About! - Yes! Oh, I love that! - No way.
Ooh, woo-hoo! This is hilarious.
Honestly, Maureen is not my type.
My type plays it cool, has a little meat on their bones, and owns zero cardigans if they're a woman, lots of cardigans if they're a man.
It's really important.
- Great job, son.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Oh, no, that's not - No, no, that's Linda, sorry.
Wait, what? No.
It's Dylan's car? Thanks for telling me.
Oh, wait, w-w-w-w-w No, no, no, no, ah! Are you seriously kidding me right now, Dylan? I just did a counterclockwise rubdown of every single inch of this hood.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
I'm just it's insane to me that these cars are going to get dirty again when they leave here.
No problem.
Parking here in a red zone.
- I'm Father Joe, okay? I can't - That's one heck of a parking space there.
Please, no, please.
Okay, then - What are you do - Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that Shrub is missing this.
It almost makes me forget about my leg.
You know what? - It really hurts bad though.
- Come on! We have been waiting here for four hours.
Four hours! And we have got no updates! And we just sit there.
And she's in pain, okay? So I don't know what it's going to take to be seen by a doctor here, but let me know! Because I've had enough! Kelly? Nope.
You're next.
So I said to him, this is false advertising.
This is not a snuggie.
It's a slanket! Maureen, you are a gem and a half.
Well, the same could be said about you.
Look, I know you two are a packaged deal.
And frankly, I'm into it.
So what do you say, we go get a room at the Red Roof and see where the afternoon takes us? Oh, I'm not sure that sounds so That's going to be a hard no, but we appreciate the offer.
Totally understand.
But, if you change your mind, I am here every Saturday.
Not because I have no life, but because I'm a sexually frustrated alcoholic, so Oh, I can't believe that just happened! Oh, my gosh, Mandy.
She thought we were a couple! I know! It kills me! You and I together! Even if we were the last two people in Flatch, I would still scoot my ass over to [BLEEP.]
I know, right? Wait, what? Oh! That was cool.
Hey, kid.
You did good today.
We don't give the Dilbert Y2K mug to just anybody.
We always split the loose change we find in the car seats.
Here you go.
17 cents for a job well done.
- Oh.
- Welcome aboard.
Nope, nope, nope.
Oh, my God.
That's just that's crazy.
Oh, my God.
Wait, 158 missed calls and texts from Kelly? Oh, my God, that's the poop emoji, [BLEEP.]
I told her to go easy today.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not surprised that Kelly went to urgent care, but um, low key Dude, today was, like, the best day.
Like, I have new friends that actually think that I'm cool, and people who, like, appreciate my artistry.
I mean, oh, man.
I just I want to feel this fulfilled every single day of my life.
And I'm getting paid! Money! Uh, adult much? So it's like a really big bruise.
Like, bruise isn't even the right word for it.
It's like a contusion.
Well, she said it could've been a contusion if I'd been hit just a little harder.
Father Joe definitely didn't need to hulk out like that, but no one's ever done that for me before.
Shrub, on the other hand, completely abandoned me.
Makes me wonder if he cares more about me or him.
Nope, I didn't finish my sermon.
- Over there! - But you know what? When Kelly was squeezing my hand really hard in that doctor's office, when she was getting her temperature taken, I realized that self-care meant other person care.
Maybe that's what being a good person is Being there for your people in their time of need, even when it's not convenient.
Just like it says in Ecclesiastes 4, sometimes we don't see God's plan until it hits you hard, like a well-driven golf ball.
I just wish I knew what to write my sermon about.
I guess I'm going to have to recycle my Earth Day material again.
I don't know, it was crazy, 'cause, like, when they flushed my hat down the toilet, I was definitely pissed, but, like, at the same time I was also, like Today was like the craziest day of my life.
And I can't believe you missed it 'cause you were like, sniffing bleach or whatever.
Wait, let's watch Father Joe lose his [BLEEP.]
But for real, today, I was, like, almost completely alone, okay? You can't let something like work get in the way of your emergency contact duties, you know? Okay.
This is where he loses it.
Ah, damn it, Kelly! I said smaller bites!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode