Wellington Paranormal (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

She-wolf

All right, mate, just focus on the end of my pen for a second, would you? Ah, no touching.
Just look at it.
What are we doing? So, what we have here is a young man doing pizza deliveries in the area.
He called us to report an attack on Kurimarama Street.
His scooter's been damaged and his pizzas have been stolen.
Um, we're having a bit of trouble getting the exact details from the victim.
I can do about seven minutes of kung fu.
Yep.
It was trippy, man.
Yeah, I know it was trippy, mate.
You've said it was trippy 23 times.
Oh! So, who should we be on the lookout for, sir? You know, we need some characteristics, so - height, uh- Yeah, this thing was massive- what was he wearing- It was, like, huge! Far, bro.
WRITES: Massive.
So, large? Yep, so that's- WRITES: 'Far.
' So, it's a large build? Yeah, large- Was that last one 'bro'? Yeah, it was barking and growling heaps, and then it took the pizzas, and then he came up to me, and he was like - (GROWLS), and then it gapped it.
Sir, was this a dog? Uh, yeah.
Hey, mate, do we look like Animal Control to you? (MUMBLES) Scratch marks through here.
Destroyed the chassis.
Meatlovefls pizza's completely gone.
Oh, man.
That comes out of my pay.
Vegetarian's untouched, though.
Sir, sir-Can you think of anything you could tell us about this dog which would help us to identify it? Oh, yeah The dog - he was wearing jeans.
Jeans? ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Oh yeah, that dog problem's only getting worse.
Mm.
Do you know, I've lost eight kitties to that house down there over the past year.
Is that number 92? Yes.
That bloody place.
(DOG GROWLS) You know, I used to be a cat lady, but now I'm just I'm just a lady.
(DOG BARKS) We've had reports about this property behind us.
Sounds like they've got some pretty serious animal control- What now? Are you lot here to hassle me again? Evening.
G'day, mate.
How are you? Don't you go blaming my dogs, mate.
These are the only two that are left.
Three of them are missing already.
So you're telling us you've had pets go mnssnng from your property? Yeah.
I had one stolen from my van last night.
Could we just have a wee look at the van? Yeah.
(GROWLS) (HAUNTING MUSIC) Yeah, you're not gonna be able to drive this for a while, mate.
Uh, yeah, it looks like your dog's been extracted from the outside.
Look, someone found a dog skeleton in the graveyard.
I'm afraid it might be my Britney.
(SOMBRE MUSIC) (SOBS) Sir? Si- Sir.
I don't want any drama.
OK.
Beyonce and Rihanna, they're scared enough as it is.
That's why they're always barking - cos they're scared.
(OMINOUS MUSIC) I'm not hearing any barking.
They're not- They don't seem to be barking any more.
(ACTION MUSIC) Ri-Ri? Be-Be? Ri-Ri? Be - Be? Come here.
Ri-Ri! (WHISTLES) So in summary, we've established that both Ri-Ri and Be-Be have been abducted from the premises.
So we're now on the lookout for a large dog.
Urn, it's probably very hungry.
Mm-hm,and cold- only wearing jeans.
OK, and cold.
It's obviously very aggressive.
It's been terrorizing people and pets in the neighbourhood.
Mm.
Um, so we wanna get on to that and track it down as soon we can.
Get it off the streets as soon as possible.
What if this dog thing's paranormal? What, like a ghost dog? Well, he's supposed to be pretty big.
Yeah, but have you seen how big dogs get these days? What are we talking? (LAUGHS) Look at him.
He's huge.
Yeah, but maybe the woman's just really little.
That's hilarious.
All he needs is a little hat.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) (OMINOUS MUSIC) Oh, that one's Photoshopped.
Definitely Photoshopped.
That annoys me.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Go back to that other one, there, with the little one riding on the big one's back.
Now, you see there? Mm.
The little paws look like little hands.
Hang on, I'll- That's just a normal dog.
Hey, I've got a sausage roll in my pocket.
I got it from the lunch room.
You wanna go halves? Is that in a serviette? (OTH ER-WORLD LY GROWL) I can hold the Taser if it's getting heavy.
It's my week with the Taser, Minogue.
I know, I know.
But just if it's gonna help you out, cos it looks like it's getting heavy.
Minogue, what is it about the system of, 'one week with the Taser.
One week without the Taser', that you don't understand? No, I'm all for the system.
We came up with the system together.
But it looks like the Taser's pointing at the ground a little bit, like you're getting tired.
It's my week with the Taser, Minogue, OK? You're driving.
You drove, OK? So I've got the Taser.
Look, it's really simple.
(CREATURE HOWLS) Did you hear that? What, that really loud howling noise (?) Yep, what do you think it was? Was it a ruru? I don't think it was a native bird, Minogue.
Just being hopeful.
Look, it sounded more canine.
You know, like, dog-like.
Yeah.
I was thinking it was kind of lupine, you know? Like, wolf-like.
Did you just Google that word? What? Yeah, I did.
Look, we don't even have wolves in New Zealand.
Yeah, but what if it was a werewolf, O'Leary? Doubt it was a werewolf.
Hm.
(SCREAMS) It's a werewolf! It's definitely a werewolf! (TENSE MUSIC) There it is! (CREATURE GROWLS) Hey! (CREATURE GROWLS) Ready Taser.
Ready Taser.
Readying Taser.
Taser ready.
It went this way.
Should we call for back-up? They could bring the other Taser.
(ACTION MUSIC) Ma'am, ma'am, are you OK? Oh, shit.
You didn't happen to see a huge creature pass by here, did you? Minogue, she's obviously been attacked by it.
Good point.
She's on the ground.
She's got scratches on her leg.
I'll make a note.
Minogue, help me help her up.
Oh, yep, sorry.
Sorry.
One, two, three - upsy-daisy.
What the hell? What happened? I don't know, officer.
I No idea, mate.
I Uh, Comms, we're bringing in a young woman who's been attacked.
No medical's required, but we'd like to get a statement.
Over.
COMMS: What's the nature of the attack? Speak more, please.
We have reason to believe that the perpetrator is a were- Warehouse worker.
COMMS: Uh, did you say a Warehouse worker? Uh, no, I think he just- We're still determining the nature of the attacker.
We're just going through a couple of options now, but we'll have more information as it comes to hand.
COMMS: But they may have worked at the Warehouse? There's my ex's house.
He was meant to call me up tonight, but he didn't, the bastard.
Unbelievable.
Classic.
I would never do that in a relationship.
Oh, you reckon (!) I'm always- I'm very trustworthy.
(SCOFFS) That's what they all reckon.
And, uh, all of my ex-girlfriends have had nothing but nice things to say about me.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) Push that button, the light comes on.
Yeah, but you need to turn that beep off.
It's always beeping.
OK, guys, calm down.
It's not an ACIDC concert.
(SIGHS) Sorry I'm late.
I had to rush in unexpectedly.
Uh, is that why you've got your pyjama shirt on instead of your normal shirt, sir? Correct, O'Leary.
Great detective work.
(ALL APPLAUD) OK, first some good news to start off with - Donovan and Lopepe stopped two armed robbers at the BP service station the other night - great job.
(CLEARS TH ROAT) (ALL APPLAUD) And the picture that the department put up of the kitten in the police hat got 743 likes.
Yeah.
(ALL APPLAUD) It's got us a lot of attention.
Mostly positive.
All right, let's be careful out there, guys.
It's a full moon tonight.
Gonna be a lot of crazies.
All right, dismissed.
Sarge, can we have a word, please? Yeah, what is it, guys? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) We've got another paranormal case.
Not another haunted sock, is it? I don't know how that mouse got into my sock, sir.
It was a weird one-off.
No, look, we believe we've got a woman who has survived an attack from a werewolf.
Nah- Shh! You can't use that word outside of the secret office.
OK.
Right.
Where is she? She's in the interrogation room, Sarge.
After you.
Lead the way.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) The last thing I remember - I was having my whisky, and these were jeans.
Yeah, but those are awesome now, aren't they? They're better than they would have been as jeans.
Yeah, as much as I want to believe, I just don't think the nature of her injuries came from a lycanthrope.
Do you reckon a guy could get away with wearing something like that? What? Sarge, what about the scratches all over her? They don't match the scratches of a motorcycle.
Those are twig scratches.
Anyway, tonight, did you happen to see a huge creature? Possibly lupine in nature.
Eh? I don't know.
I was wasted, man.
Hang on a minute I sort of remember seeing these, like Sort of, these, like, huge claws in front of my face.
See? Claws.
Plus we saw a werewolf.
You saw one for real? We saw its eyes.
Oh, its eyes (!) Are there large dogs in the area? Or are there other things with eyes? Yeah, but, look, the pizza-delivery guy remembered seeing a dog wearing jeans.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Is that right? Right, need to show you something.
Both of you.
Take a seat, eh.
Don't go anywhere.
(LAUGHS) Little police humour, there.
Check this out.
This pug here - stone-washed jeans.
This bulldog - skinny jeans.
And this chihuahua - also jeans, and Chuck Taylors.
See, point is, sometimes dogs wear jeans.
What do you Google to get those? Oh, I follow Dogsinjeans and DressedUpPups.
They're both Tumblr accounts.
Oh.
Just something I do to relieve the stress of the job.
Now, check this out.
This is a pug in a full tuxedo, eh.
What a charmer! What's he up to? Is he at the premier of his own movie, is he? (LAUGHS) Anyway, take this woman home.
I'm afraid this one's another haunted sock.
We did see a werewolf, though, didn't we, O'Leary? I don't know what we saw.
Pretty sure I do - a werewolf.
Yeah, well, look, you might actually be right, you know.
(LAUGHS) Are you all right back there? Yeah, it's just that this is actually kind of cool, and if my ex sees me in a cop car, he'll think I'm crazy, and guys find that hot.
Is that true, Minogue? Uh, not sure if it's universal, but, um, yep.
COMMS: Hey, guys, it's Sergeant Maaka.
What's your location? Over.
Yeah, we just reached the main highway, Sarge.
We're just taking this young woman back home.
Oh no.
What? Uh, what's that, Minogue? Uh, he said 'what.
' Over.
Yeah, and I said, 'What.
Over.
' So, what was that? Over.
He said what cos he couldn't hear you properly, what.
Over.
What? Over.
Yep- OK, uh, OK.
I've been doing a bit of detective work on that woman you brought in.
When I went into the interrogation room after you guys left, I noticed there was a distinct dog-owner smell.
You know, that smell that dog-owners have, right? Yeah, yeah! Sheena, do you own a dog? Nah.
Well, then I remembered that you said there was a dog seen in the area wearing jeans.
Well, that woman you brought in said she was wearing jeans when she went out, but then when she woke up she was wearing jean-shorts.
Do you reckon a guy could get away with wearing something like that? What? I also remembered she said she saw claws in front of her face.
Claws in front of my face.
Why would there be claws in front of her if she was running away? She wasn't being chased by a werewolf.
She is a werewolf.
She doesn't look like a werewolf, Sarge.
Well, that's because the moon is being obscured by cloud cover right now.
That's why a lot of werewolves live in Wellington - it's always cloudy.
Are we safe, Sarge? (GROWLS) Uh, hold on.
I'm just looking at the cloud cover on my weather app right now, and you're good to go for another two minutes.
Two minutes! I don't feel so good.
Oh, man.
OK, find a safe spot to pull over.
Restrain the subject.
She will become extremely murderous.
Oh, and remain calm.
Over.
I (OTHER-WORLDLY GROWL) I Oh no! (SIRENS WAIL) What are we gonna do? Drive.
I am driving.
Well, drive faster.
Well, she's in the back seat.
She's going the same speed as us.
I'll drive.
Let me drive.
No, you're not driving.
No way am I letting you drive.
Let me drive! You don't get to drive.
Drive or the Taser.
One or the other.
Not both! (SCREAMS) Pull over.
Pull over.
I can't.
We're on an overpass.
So, we just escaped our police car.
Out to be the werewolf.
Don't just assume because it's a werewolf that it's a man, cos that's not always the case, is it? It's like with a doctor - sometimes it's a man.
I Sometimes not.
I.
Anyway, looks like we've got some temporary cloud cover, so she should be in her human form.
Sheena.
Sheena Sheena.
Sheena Sheena, come here.
Sheena.
O'Leary.
What? Look - moon.
(HOWLS) That's not good.
(GROWLS) Get away, Sheena! I Sheena.
(WHISTLES) I Sheena, come here.
There she is.
Sheena.
Sheena! What the hell? What the- (GROWLS) God.
No, no, no, no, no.
(WHISTLES) Sheena, come here.
There she is.
Sheena.
Sheena.
Oh no.
(GROWLS) Just, um, hiding in some bushes.
That's correct.
Waiting.
Um, the, uh, wolf-woman- The woman-wolf- The, uh, were-woman- just say person-wolf.
The person-wolf is looking very, very hungry.
(GROWLS) You're too slow! Get behind me.
Just reassessing our overall plan.
No, no, no, not this way.
Out, out, out.
Another change of plan.
Should we climb a tree? Do werewolves climb trees? This is never gonna work.
OK.
They're not gonna not eat you just cos you got a camera.
You're going down first.
I can push you.
Here, here.
You guys have gotta go somewhere else.
There's only room for two.
That's not gonna work.
Look, there's too many of us.
You've gotta go that way.
Split up.
You guys are making it worse.
You go that way.
We'll go this way.
Go,go,go.
Sheena.
Do you think she'll eat me or the sausage roll, O'Leary? Yeah, probably.
What? Well, a sausage roll's not gonna satisfy a big werewolf.
She'll eat you and then snack on the sausage roll.
O'Leary? Yep.
You're a great partner.
Thanks, Minogue, but let's not do this now, cos we've gotta catch this werewolf.
Werewolf? Huh? Where? Minogue, Sheena is the werewolf.
Oh.
What the hell? Brought you that.
Sausie roll? Yum.
Oh, shot, officer.
Solid as a rock, mate.
Solid as a rock.
How's the clouds? We believe that earlier on tonight you transformed into a werewolf, and you ran through your back door.
How do you know that? Just the hole in the back door.
Oh, you know what? I've had a (BLEEP) guts-full, man.
No, you just need to sit down.
What did you bloody learn in cops college, mate? We learnt a lot of things.
We learnt about helping people with home invasions.
We learnt about drunk-driving- Oink! Oink! Can you stop, please? Refrain from oinking at me.
You- Have a seat.
You sit down! I don't- No, I have chosen to stand up.
You sit down.
You're in my house.
No, I'm not.
I'm sitting down.
I'll sit down if you sit down, OK? How about that? Shall we both sit down? I'll sit down when I want to sit down.
OK, well, how about when I sit down? Is that a good time to sit down? I'll sit down with you.
Let's sit down, OK? Sit down.
Good.
Yeah, that's right.
Anyway, yeah, what we're tryna explain is we believe that you've been in contact with a werewolf at some point.
I don't believe it.
Well, look, I mean, we didn't actually believe in werewolves until tonight ourselves.
No, I believe in werewolves.
Hell, yeah.
Dion's a werewolf.
Who's Dion? My ex.
OK.
Your ex is a Your ex is a werewolf? Hell, yeah, he's a big-time werewolf.
That's why I had to break up with him.
He's just so changeable, you know.
Nice guy, and then he just changes into this huge werewolf.
OK, and you didn't think to tell us this, maybe, a bit earlier on? We've been talking about your ex all night.
Though, in fairness, we didn't specifically ask her if her ex-boyfriend was a werewolf, so I'm gonna kill Dion for doing this to me.
Straight up.
Certainly, I wouldn't say it straight up to me.
I wouldn't say it at all, in fact, cos I'm a police officer.
just think it.
just think it.
I'm gonna murder that asshole.
Anyway, look, you're already in a little bit of trouble, right now.
Let's go and (BLEEP) the patriarchy up.
Sheena, just wait- Dion! Dion, you (BLEEP).
I'm on the Taser! Can't lose another one of these, O'Leary.
Calm down, Miss.
Uh, we're just getting dragged along the street by a werewolf.
Dion, you bastard! This is pretty unfair.
I mean, I can understand why you're upset.
I would be.
Men.
Am I right? Why do we bother? Oh, I'm more of a cat-person.
She loves hanging out with cats.
No, Minogue.
Now I've got another (BLEEP) hassle to deal with once a month.
(BLEEP) Dion! (GROWLS) Sheena, there's probably a better time to talk about this with your ex-partner.
Oh, here's drama! What the hell have you given me? Calm down.
What's with the security guards and the camera? You know it's a full moon tonight, and I've got my thing.
What, you mean the werewolf thing? Shush, Sheena! Don't you shush me, Dion.
You're a selfish prick.
You said that we were doing safe sex.
Well, look at me! Yeah? How safe is this? Yeah, you look great.
I can't get my eyebrows waxed, cos my whole effing face is an eyebrow.
Yeah, well, I thought the bushy look was in now? How am I supposed to go down to Queensgate and get myself a Wendy's looking like this? Who's gonna serve me, Dion? Oh, it's just a once-a-month thing, babe.
This is worse than the time you gave me pubic lice! He gave me pubic nits, man.
All over my (BLEEP).
Hey! Don't you think that if I had pubic lice, I'd have it all over me? Well, it's not like I've been out and about (BLEEP) any other (BLEEP) werewolves.
What about Shaun? Shaun? He's real hairy, isn't he? He's just a guy with a ponytail.
Did you kiss him? No.
I saw you at Wendy's! Yeah, well, maybe I went to (BLEEP) Wendy's with him but I never pashed him, ever! Did you lick the same ice-cream? Yes, we did, but I have no regrets! (GROWLS) Taser situation.
Taser situation.
I can't Taser them.
It says- Oh myGod.
Oh no, look- We better give them a minute.
(GROWLS LUSTFULLY) (OBJECTS CLATFER) (GROWLS EROTICALLY) (OBJECTS CLATTER, GLASS SMASH ES) We're here at Kurimarama Street attending a domestic dispute between a former couple, who are now werewolves.
(OBJECTS SMASH, GROWLS) This is a new kind of case for us, so procedure is a little bit uncertain, but we'll definitely look at getting these two microchipped.
(INDISTINCT YELLING) Or, um, if they continue to cause trouble neutered.
Mm.
Maybe we should go in and break it up.
(YELLS, OBJECTS CLATTER) We could wait till morning.
Yeah, we could leave it till the morning.
I mean, this is a personal issue, so maybe best if we just leave it till the morning.
Give them a bit of time to calm down.
Plus, O'Leary, you're a cat person, so no point stirring the pot- Minogue, no.
Earlier on, you were saying you're a cat person.
just no.
Um, but, yeah, safer communities together.
It's obviously- It's not safe in there at the moment, but out here it's feeling pretty good.
Job well done.
We're happy.
And there you go.
There you go.
You make a fine police officer.
Welcome to the New Zealand Police Force.