Wellington Paranormal (2018) s04e06 Episode Script

Time Cop

So, we are currently attempting to apprehend a young offender who's been skateboarding noisily in the Upper Hutt vicinity.
Noisy skateboarding is actually a much bigger problem than many people realise.
We also have numerous undercover officers so as not to alert this skateboarding menace to our presence.
And this is a personal thing for me, as I grew up on these very streets.
Stopping a mugging right here is what inspired me to become a police officer.
You inspired me to become a better police officer, Sarge.
(LAUGHS) - Um well, I'm happy for you.
- WHISPERS: Thanks.
Parker and I will monitor Operation Skate Bait (CELL PHONE RINGS) from our secret mobile HQ, right over there.
Sarge, there's a big robbery happening in the city.
- What? - Yeah.
No, we've turned off our radios, cos we're undercover.
Yeah, we can probably get there.
Oh, they've already gone? (SIGHS) Oh well.
Oh, don't worry.
OK, tooroo.
They couldn't apprehend the robbers because all the officers are here doing Operation Skate Bait.
It's things like this that really make me deeply question my choices about whether I should actually be a police officer at all, you know? Sarge, the cameras are still rolling on you.
We actually have two of our best in a patrol car, fully focused, watching the streets like a pair of police attack hawks.
See? I've almost got the hang of it.
- Oh.
- Almost got the hang of it.
Haven't you had that fidget spinner for, like, five years? Three years.
- Oh, Minogue! - Oh - You made me spill my doughnut.
- I immediately regret doing that.
- Look at all that mess.
- (SKATER YELLS) - Wait until you see me.
- Hey.
There's the skateboarder! - Police! - What the hell is that? - Get it away from me! (SCREAMS) - Think it's like a worm man.
Sort of like a half-man, half-worm mutant leechy man type thing.
In pursuit? - Yeah, I'll look after the car - No, come on.
Let's go.
- I gotta clean up this doughnut.
- Come on.
- Let's go! - We'll get ants again.
We'll get ants again! ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME MUSIC) Captions by Able.
So, we're just in pursuit of the noisy young skateboarder and some sort of a worm man.
- I came up with that name.
- Oi! Police.
(SKATER SCREAMS, PANTS, WORM SCREECHES) - What is that thing? - I think it's a skateboarder.
(WHIMPERS) - What's it doing? - Get off him! - (SCREECHES) - You don't see that every day.
Or that.
Sir? Wow.
That was out of it.
You've suddenly turned into an old fulla.
Old? I'm only 15.
Classic case of mutton dressed as lamb.
- He seems OK.
Let's get that thing.
- Copy that.
In pursuit of thing.
What is it? Looks like some sort of break in reality? Remember, like that portal we saw at that barbeque? - Yeah.
- You should go in there.
I'm not going in there.
That worm monster thingy will be in there.
Is it in there? - Shh.
- What? - Can you see it? - Nah.
It's gone.
Come on.
Come on.
What? Look at all these old movies it's got playing.
(SINISTER MUSIC BUILDS) You know, this is exactly the sort of thing that Sarge would be interested in.
You know that? - Yeah.
- That old skater's gone.
Hey, Sarge, we were in pursuit of the offender, but we've found something that's gonna make you say, 'Holy.
' - And by that, we mean it's a hole.
- Tell him we went through the hole - and it didn't do anything.
- Yep.
Sarge? (RADIO CLICKS) It's not working.
Hang on.
I've got no reception either.
Upper Hutt.
I don't think it's about Upper Hutt.
- Acid wash.
- What? - It's back in fashion.
Yes! - I used to love acid wash.
I had acid-wash overalls when I was younger, but they stopped at shorts, you know? And you'd just have the shorts and nothing on underneath, so you just see your your bare chest.
I'm just not sure now is the right time to be talking about fashion.
I think we need to go and talk to Sarge.
Where's the car? - It was parked right here.
- Unless it's gone invisible.
What? Well, did you lock it when you got out? - Oh, you're in trouble, O'Leary.
- What do you mean? Well, you were driving.
You gotta take responsibility for the vehicle.
You were the last one out of the car.
Did you lock it when I got out? Well, if I'd locked it, you would have been locked inside the car.
- You got out last.
- Well, that's easy for you to say.
Well, it's because it's true.
That's why it's easy for you to say.
But this is why we lose our cars all the time.
I know.
Because you don't lock the car.
Mobile HQ's gone as well.
- Did you lock that? Probably not.
- I don't have the keys for that.
Sarge, come in.
There's something really weird going on.
But I can't quite put my finger on it.
What is it? - What are you doing, Minogue? - Just looking for the car.
- OK.
The car's not there.
- Yeah, it might've shrunk.
- Did you think about that? - How? - Well, it was raining.
- It was raining before.
That makes no sense.
Can you see a tiny police car anywhere? - Well, I'm looking for it.
- At least I'm looking.
You're not even helping.
You're just using the opportunity to mock me.
I'm not mocking you.
I just So it appears, um, we've actually lost our patrol car and also the Mobile HQ.
And all the other police officers in our squad.
Uh, and all the comms are down.
But sometimes, I mean, that happens in policing.
Um, you get completely cut off from your chain of command, and you just have to think on your feet.
Mm, cos we haven't got our car any more.
No, no, I mean, you've gotta use your wits.
- Oh yeah, our wits.
- Those will be kicking in soon.
Maybe we should ask that kid if he's seen any other cops.
Excuse me, mate.
You busted my Game Boy, you egg! (UNSETTLING MUSIC) - What? - Sarge? Nah, I'm Ruawai.
Are you undercover, Sarge? If you are, we probably shouldn't be talking to you, cos we might give you away.
They have done an amazing job.
You look really young.
And from this angle, you even look a bit shorter.
Uh, thank you, I think.
- Honestly, how have they done that? - (CAR ALARM CHIRPS) - Hey, Ruawai, how old are you? - Pushing 9.
Pushing 9 (!) (CHUCKLES) Sarge, you're good.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE) Can I ask you, what year is this? It's 1994.
(UNSETTLING MUSIC SWELLS) So, we seem to have encountered some sort of a creature, which sucks time from young people, in order to open up portals to the past.
Unfortunately, we went through one, and now seem to be in 1994 Te Awa Kairangi ki Uta Upper Hutt.
Although you can't really tell the difference.
Well, that's a bit unfair to the people that live in Upper Hutt, Minogue, most of whom believe it's a vibrant, modern community.
With heaps of mullets.
Anyway, I think what is important is that we report this time anomaly to Sarge as soon as possible.
Hey, Sarge.
So not the almost-Q-year-old Sarge; the one in 2022.
Yeah, well, he might remember it, if we tell him now.
- How? - With his memory.
But he hasn't had that memory yet.
He's almost 9.
But we don't know.
We won't know until we go back, which we should probably do.
- It's 1994.
- We should probably go back to our time and just check.
Did you guys really pass Police College? - Yes.
Yes, we did.
- Did you cheat on the exam? You don't have to cheat; it's really easy.
Look, really sorry about breaking your old Game Boy.
You can have this.
See that? But just be careful with it, all right? It's a choking hazard.
Nearly got me a couple of times.
- Don't put it in your mouth, OK? - It's pretty cool.
Kinda reminds me of Sarge, right? And every time he talks, I'm sort of, like, intimidated by him, even though he's only 9.
You feeling that? Yeah.
But he is only 9 - pushing 9.
- Yeah, I know.
- But he's still intimidating.
One, two, three.
(GRUNTS) I've got coverage.
And it's 2022.
Let's go find the car, and we can cordon this thing off.
- What? The time hole? - Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
- Yes.
The car's still there.
- (RADIO CLICKS) Come in, Sarge.
We've got a story to tell you.
- RT: Uh, this is Comms.
- Go ahead, O'Leary.
- Where's Sarge? - Well, he's not on this channel.
- Where are you guys? - Upper Hutt.
Operation Skate Bait? Oh, new one on me.
Sarge wants all patrols in or another briefing.
Better not be late You know what he's like.
Copy that.
On our way.
- Better go.
- Who was that? Oh, probably a work-experience person.
(ZOMBIES GRUNT) (SINISTER MUSIC) Look, we all have tough days.
But what I'm saying is you have to do your best to be nice to people.
- I'm not sure about the new lighting.
- What is going on? (ZOMBIE GROWLS) - - Zom.
We've got a zom! - Deploying taser! Deploying taser! - Deploying taser! - Go, go! - (ZOMBIE ROARS) - Taser down! Taser down! Are you guys seeing the zombie? You on a break or something? - Let's just go and find Sarge.
- You should be dealing with it.
'Undead Person Transitional Space? What? (THUD! BOTH EXCLAIM) (ZOMBIE GROWLS, ALARM BLARES) PA: Calling all on-duty police officers.
Who's that? Report to the briefing room immediately.
It seems there's some very strange things going on here.
Um, I think we need to get to the briefing fast and talk to Sarge.
If it isn't Officer Mabobey and Officer O'Weewee.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Donovan and Laupepe? - When did you guys get better? - We've always been better, O'Leary.
- Way better.
(LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) - When did you guys get worse? - Um, at birth? (BOTH LAUGH) - That was a good one.
Come on.
- That's good.
That's good.
This is weird.
They were turned into zombies three years ago.
Maybe there's a cure now.
But I preferred them when they were zombies.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT) - Evening, maggots.
Sit down.
- And sit up straight, especially you two knobsicles.
- When did Parker get promoted? - And a new hairstyle.
What's with the cameras? They're still making that documentary about us.
Oh, let me guess.
Is it called Wellington's Wussiest Cops? (LAUGHS) Enough with the hilarity; we've got some work to do.
It is Day 927 of the Wellington Zombie Outbreak.
(TENSE MUSIC) I mean, yesterday we only arrested 93 undead, so that's a good number.
So we can (THUD! GROWLING) Who didn't close the gate? One of you let's gonna have to sort that out after the briefing, OK? Some good news the alien attack of plant people we don't need to worry about any more, because two ginormous taniwha came out of the water and ate them.
So that's a good thing.
I mean, they did completely destroy Te Papa.
But it's a museum, so I don't think we have to worry too much about (ROARING) Oh, there's the taniwha.
It's eaten the zombies.
Ah, well, that's one less job for you lot.
- Baldwin! Come on, Baldy! LAUPEPE: Hey, hey, hey.
I told you to write down 'zombie bites' on your sheets at the end of the shift.
That's a reminder to all you lot, OK? - (GROWLS) - Ooh, yuck.
Oh, I really liked him too.
Just put him in the cell with the others.
Rest of you, dismissed.
(SIGHS) God, that's no good.
Baldwin was such a good man.
- O'LEARY: Hey, Parker? - Where's Sgt Maaka? Um, it's Sgt Parker.
And if your question is, 'Where is Sgt Parker?' he's right here, you drongos.
Get to work, please.
There's an apocalypse on.
What, have you been asleep for the last three years? Oh God.
There's frickin' zombies everywhere.
It's just I think we've changed time.
This is a universe without Sarge.
It's the butterfly effect.
- I wish it was butterflies.
- No, the butterfly effect.
It's the idea that if you change something small in the past, it has major implications on the future.
Look, there's no record of Ruawai Maaka in the New Zealand Police.
- Are you saying he doesn't exist? - I don't know.
I'll have a Google.
You should be filming me, not these maggots The real policeman doing the real police work.
- Police officers.
- Eh? Nothing.
Anyway, I'm off to the salon.
Hair this perfect doesn't style itself.
Taking the cop car, gonna siren it get there in five.
I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Oh, such a stickler for the rules, aren't you, O'Leary? You guys should just chillax.
I take a chill attitude to work, and look how everything is working out fine.
Whose turn is it to clean the blood off the windows? (ZOMBIES GROAN) I don't know.
We just don't worry about that kinda stuff here.
- Cos you're so chillaxed? - Yeah.
You got it.
Anyway, I better hit the salon, otherwise they'll bump me down the list.
- Have a nice hair do.
- Thank you.
We need to stop that from ever happening and all the zombie stuff.
I think I've just found Sarge's address on my phone.
It'll be interesting to see what Sarge's house is like.
- OK.
Get back.
- Coming to assist, Parker! Halt! I don't need your help.
Can't you see I've got this under control? Donovan and Laupepe! If you could distract them, I'll get to the salon.
So we offered to help Parker, but he's called Donovan and Laupepe, so I think we need to go to Sarge's house.
- Do you guys have hand sanitiser? - They scratched me.
It's just a scratch! It's nothing to worry about.
It's just a scratch.
- Just park here? - Yeah.
That'll do.
- You sure this is the place? - 7 Whaiwara Grove, Khandallah.
Nicer than his dingy little flat, but (ZOMBIE GROWLS) One thing that we've learned about zombies is (ZOMBIE ROARS) - Minogue! Minogue! - Taser, O'Leary! Get your taser! - You've got the taser! - Throw it here! - Here! Here! - Here! Oh, it's got my fingerprint on it.
- Officers! Quickly! Come inside! - I couldn't charge it this morning.
- What? - I didn't charge it.
Go, go, go, go, go! PANTS: All right.
Hey, zombies! - Ooh, yummy.
Go! Go! Get it! Get it! - ZOMBIES: Ooh.
- (GRUNTS) Hurry up, cameraman.
- Get in here too.
Far out, man.
Those zombies will be on you in sec, bro.
(SIGHS) A lot of them out there tonight.
Must be winter solstice or something.
Come on in.
Ah, welcome to Casa del Maaka.
How can I help you two? And, uh, what's with the camera crew? It's really nice to see you, Sarge.
Sarge? I (EERIE MUSIC) It's you guys.
I knew this day would come.
I've been waiting for the two of you for quite some time.
Perhaps you should sit down, Sarge Ruawai.
Yep, uh yep, come this way.
Uh so I actually gave it a few names.
Um, the Hurirauna was one, which is just Maori for 'goes around and around'.
- Mm-hm.
- Um, but the name that I settled on - was the Maaka Sparker.
- Mm-hm.
That's the most popular version, which is the one that I copied off the one that you guys gave me as a child.
Um look, I trademarked it, and, uh, as you can see, I made quite a considerable amount of money from it.
And I - And you spent it on this house? - Yeah.
And I knew it was wrong, and I know that you're here to arrest me.
So go ahead, take me to jail.
That's not what we're here for, OK? It's a separate issue.
Mm, although I am disappointed in you.
So We're here to talk to you and ask you a question.
Are you interested in the paranormal? - What, like poltergeists? - Yep, like poltergeists.
- Like, aliens? - Yep.
Like aliens.
Like Like patupaiarehe? - Yep.
- Minogue, what's another one? Uh, giraffes.
I gotta show you guys something.
Come with me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Giraffes? How do their necks do that? Come on in, guys.
As you can see, I actually have a penchant for the occult and other such cryptid, mysterious mysteries, especially in troubled times like this.
This might be hard to believe, but Minogue and I encountered some sort of a creature, which sucked time out of a young kid to create a portal back to the year 1994.
Um, we went through that and, um, that's when we met you that night.
A Wormhole interesting.
In our reality, you're our sergeant.
- Really? - The sarge in charge.
- Sarge in charge? - Sounds like a TV show.
We think that when we met you, we changed something, um, - and now you no longer exist.
- I no longer exist? No, you do exist, but in a different like, a parallel universe or something.
But basically, what's happened now is that Wellington is completely overwhelmed by very undesirable paranormal activity.
- Yeah, like those zombies.
- For instance.
- They don't exist in our world.
- Case in point.
- They don't? - At all.
Well, they do.
- But they're under control.
- Minimal.
And that's because of you.
You always know what to do.
You tell us what to do.
It's always, generally speaking, in quite a nice way.
- Can you show me how to work that? - Oh, it's pretty simple, really.
This is a centrifuge here, and, uh, you can either activate it with your active hand here or your inactive hand.
And then, uh, it becomes active, and it's really You can go anticlockwise, clockwise.
Is there a simpler way to explain it? Um, just just hit it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Have a go.
Uh, so, it sounds like to me that you have disturbed the time-space continuum, creating a separate reality where I never became a police officer.
So we just have to go back and convince you to join the police.
Actually, meeting you is the very thing that made me decide not to become a cop at all.
I remember really vividly meeting the two of you when I was 9 years old and remember thinking, 'I never wanna end up like this.
' Well, the two of you better hurry.
We cannot let the world get in the state that it's in right now, and you might miss your opportunity to get back to your reality if you delay any further.
So, stop yourselves from meeting me.
I must never see any of this, all right? Can never hear any of this.
Just as a bit of a heads-up, you might be in for a bit of a pay cut.
- MUFFLED: Ruawai? - Who you talking to? Uh, just some police officers from an alternate reality, honey.
- LAUGHS: You're such a dick.
- I know.
I love you.
- Is that your? - Yeah.
That's the love of my life.
Wahine like that only comes around once a lifetime.
- Um, also, in our reality - you're not, um Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait.
We have to go right now.
So, after meeting Alternate Sgt Maaka, (GRUNTS) looks like we've gotta go back to 1994 and prevent ourselves from meeting him, so this reality never happens.
- Hurry up, O'Leary! - (ZOMBIES GROWL) - Bye-bye.
Ka kite.
We've gotta hurry.
Well, it's hard to drive fast with all these zoms around.
They don't exactly follow the pedestrian rules, do they? - Look out! - (ZOMBIES YELL) I think that was my old maths teacher.
She used to always put bad marks in my report.
Now she's put bad marks on the car.
- (THUD! ZOMBIE GRUNTS) - Too soon? Well, I think immediately probably is a little bit too soon.
Mrs Maaka was lovely, eh? Sarge has done well for himself there.
Yeah, but now we've gotta stop that from ever happening.
I think he'd be all right with it, though.
What we should've done is got her number, and then when we change time, we could've hooked them up.
- Oh, would've been lovely.
It's too late now, of course.
- What? - (THUD! ZOMBIE SQUEALS) - Weird coincidence.
- Mm? - I think that was my maths teacher.
- What are the chances of that happening? - 20%? - Yeah.
- (TYRES SQUEAL) You should've parked closer to the time hole, Minogue.
- Hey, oh - (SIGHS) More zombies.
Still slow as.
(ZOMBIES GROWL) - I'll be stoked if we can pull this off.
- Pull what off? - Go back and stop ourselves from meeting young Sarge.
Oh, absolutely.
(GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS) - Watch out! (ZOMBIE GROWLS) BOTH: Come on! - EARLIER MINOGUE: Yes! - I used to love acid wash.
- EARLIER O'LEARY: Who are you guys? - That's uncanny.
You guys look exactly like us.
You're not alien clones, are you? No.
We're from the future.
Always wanted to say that.
Look, we don't have much time, OK? You've gone back to 1994.
That's what that weird hole was.
- Really? So So you're - It's difficult to explain.
But if you go round that corner, you're gonna meet a young Sgt Maaka and prevent him from wanting to become a cop.
Come on.
Let's go and have a look.
I'm lost.
(CAR UNLOCKS) Hey! Take your hands off that innocent pedestrian! - PEDESTRIAN: Oh! - You OK, Miss? (SIGHS) I think that went really well.
- Absolutely.
Good job.
- Great teamwork.
I think end of the day, we worked together well there.
I hate to interrupt, O'Leary, but since we no longer have to go back to 2022, why don't we stay here and party like it's 1994? EARLIER O'LEARY: Oh, yeah.
Not a bad idea, to be honest.
Um, there's a few things I can think of that I'd quite like to do.
See, Minogue's always having great ideas like that.
You've just interrupted me twice Why can't you appreciate how good they are? - What? - That is a great idea.
- It is actually - It is, yeah.
Fair call.
- Credit where credit's due? - Credit given.
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Come on, Minogue.
Ooh, race you.
(UPBEAT GRUNGE MUSIC) - How awesome was that? - That was classic.
Classic '90s.
I reckon if we all go through this hole together, everything should go back to how it was.
I hope this works.
I don't think I can handle two Minogues.
- MINOGUES: What was that? - O'LEARYS: Nothing.
- (TIME WORM SCREECHES) - Don't like it.
Should we run? - I'm with me.
- No, look, if we don't stop it, it's just gonna keep on stealing time from other people.
(TIME WORM ROARS) - Minogue, where's the taser? - MINOGUES: I left it in the car.
(SIGHS) We need to demobilise that thing.
(TIME WORM ROARS) Minogue, have you still got that fidget spinner in your left pocket? Chuck it here.
(THUD! TIME WORM GASPS) (ROARS) - Awesome shot, Minogue.
- Yeah, it was pretty good, eh? - Cheers, O'Leary.
- Oh, look.
The hole's closing up! Go! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Did we make it, O'Leary? Yeah, I think so.
There's only one of me now Half the fun.
I feel like I've got, like, more memories.
I feel like I've got more memories! - Like, new ones? - Yeah, new ones.
- MAAKA: O'Leary! Minogue! - BOTH: Sarge! - (BREATHES HEAVILY) - Where'd the skater go? - Well, he got away this time.
- It's so good to see you, Sarge.
- Really good to see you.
- You look so good in that uniform.
- Really good.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This may sound weird, but, uh, just had a really weird sense of deja vu right now.
You get that? You get that? You get that? So, we seem to have defeated some sort of a time worm, which took us back to 1994 and led to us creating an horrific alternate reality.
MUFFLED: I took it down with a fidget spinner, which is, like, a choking hazard.
Are you OK, Sarge? I just made a few mistakes tonight that made me question whether I should even be a cop at all, you know? - (CHOKES) - Sarge, the cameras are rolling.
- Absolutely, definitely be a cop.
- MUFFLED: 100% be a cop.
- Definitely.
- The best cop I've ever seen.
Hey, do you guys think I'd suit a goatee? - No! - No way! - Absolutely not.
OK, well, thank you for your honesty.
It's a gift, and I appreciate it.

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