Wellington Paranormal (2018) s04e05 Episode Script

Who the Hell

1 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) One of the most common questions I get asked a lot about the paranormal division is, uh, why do these cases keep happening in Wellington specifically? Uh, I believe that the greater Wellington region, including the Hutts Both Lower and Upper Are, uh, uniquely placed as a nexus between, uh, other-worldly realms, parallel dimensions and, uh, time portals to the unknown.
Seems like a lot of realms for just two officers to look after, Sarge.
On the contrary there, Officer Parker.
Officers Minogue and O'Leary have covered these realms quite well.
Realms such as Naenae, Tawa and, uh, Hataitai even.
Uh, I guess what I'm trying to hint at, Sarge, in a subtle way is that I'm really keen to be used however you see fit.
Maybe I could become more of a full-time paranormal officer rather than on a case-by-case basis.
Like, basically, I just wanna get used by you (EXHALES) completely.
- No, Parker.
- Oh.
Your place is on the street.
On that note, I have a surprise for you.
Come with me.
Sh! CHUCKLES: Surprise.
Parker, meet your new partner, Officer Sainsbury.
Right, you two, get acquainted.
- Hi.
- Hello.
(CHUCKLES) Um Fair warning um, I've had really bad experiences with my partners in the past.
Oh, I think we're gonna get on just great.
- Oh, no, I don't mean that.
- The rapport will be great.
I mean that they've all met really untimely, horrific fates.
So, yeah Wait.
What? (THUD! ELECTRICITY BUZZES) (OMINOUS MUSIC) - Seems a bit Is that all right? - Yeah, it's all right.
I had an eight-hour nap last night.
- Eight hours? - Mm.
That's not a nap; that's sleeping.
No, I was on top of the bed, so it was a nap.
- No, that's sleeping.
- It's about duration.
No, you have to be under the covers for it to qualify as a sleep.
I stayed up late binge-watching that latest Scandinavian crime drama.
- Eh? - Willengong.
Willengong? Something.
One of them.
Anyway, it's my favourite.
At the end, it turned out the killer had multiple personality disorder.
- Hmm.
- At least, I think that was what was going on.
I couldn't Why would you spend all of your time watching something - you can't understand? - Well, it's to stay relevant.
Plus, I love posting online reviews.
'Visually arresting but deeply flawed.
'Couldn't understand a single thing anybody was saying at any time.
5 stars.
Would watch again.
' I give this brand-new patrol car four stars, especially these wing mirrors.
Does something about that look weird to you? A really pale dude carrying around a huge rock.
You guys don't see me much when Minogue and O'Leary aren't around, cos mostly what I do is quite normal rather than paranormal.
But we've been called out cos we're part of the Armed Offenders Squad.
We've been given these guns and I actually hate guns, but, anyway, part of the job.
- Let's go, Shrewsbury.
- No, it's, uh (ACTION MUSIC) It's Sainsbury, Parker.
Officer Sainsbury.
- Sainsbury.
Oh, yeah.
- It's all good.
I haven't got a very good track record with my partners, mostly cos they end up dying on jobs just like this.
Anyway, let's go.
Yeah, Chelsea got decapitated, which was a real shame, cos she has such lovely auburn hair.
And then Reuben, he got gutted from groin to sternum, and it took him, like, three hours to die.
Can we talk about something else? Hey, do you want one of my mum's famous twisted toffee chews? There you go.
- O'LEARY: Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
- What have you got there? - It's a rock.
How do you happen to be carrying such a large, enormous rock? - I do CrossFit on my days off.
- Are you OK? Is that what happens if you do CrossFit A little bit crook-lookin'? I don't feel anything.
- You do seem a little bit unwell.
- Is there anything? I mean, what have you been up to tonight? Can you tell us what you've been doing with your rock? I was just at a club, enjoying some dubstep.
That'll be it.
That'll drain your will to live, mate.
What I am going to have to ask you to do, sir Just pop your rock down, just because it could be seen as a weapon - I can't.
- You can do it.
- Yeah, you can do it.
- Come on! Put it down.
- Come on.
Bend in the knees.
- Go deep.
- Yeah, good one.
Come on.
- Yeah, you got this.
- Push it! Let's go! - You got this.
You go.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Yeah, really good.
- That's good now, isn't it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Suspect is attempting to escape into the sky.
- Grab him, Minogue.
- Oh! Sir, you're resisting arrest by floating.
I'm not resisting anything.
- Yeah, you need to come down, sir.
- I told you.
I did say.
- Grab on to this rock, I think.
- Yeah.
- Give me the rock.
- Just hold on to the rock, please.
- Hold on to this, OK? - Oh Hold on to that.
That's good.
(CLEARS THROAT) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Hey, uh, who's been messing with my map? (SIGHS) (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (ACTION MUSIC) Where's the toffee? I just put it in my pocket to save it for later.
I didn't want it to get stuck in my teeth.
Oh, you don't need to be self-conscious around me.
We're partners now.
Let's go.
(ACTION MUSIC CONTINUES) Remind me to tell you about the time that I got alien juice on me and I went completely invisible.
(GUNSHOTS) Shots fired.
Officer Sainsbury requesting backup.
And Officer Parker requesting that that backup is urgent.
(EXHALES) We can relax.
It's just a rooftop sniper.
It's all good.
So, it appears our victim has lost the ability to stand on his feet.
- My soul has been taken.
- (TYRES SCREECH, ENGINE REVS) Minogue! Minogue! - (SMASH!) - - Stop! Police! - The wing mirror's off.
- (WOMAN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE) What happened to respecting police property, O'Leary? OK, Minogue, I think we've gotta split up, OK? You take the van; I'll go see what's going on over there.
No way.
As soon as people split up in the movies, someone dies.
- It's, like, a rule.
- Look, we're not gonna die.
- Well, how do you know? - This could be the season finale.
Do you guys know what episode this is? Is this the season finale? - Look, don't talk to them.
- This is a documentary, OK? - (WOMAN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE) - Look, we're splitting up.
Licence and registration, please! - Just stay here.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- (ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH) - Evading arrest.
So, it seems the source of the screaming is actually coming from a spirited music recital, but also this man who seems quite distressed, and this group of very enthusiastic young women.
- You need to stop that, please, sir.
- I can't.
- Sir, I need you to stop that.
- I really, really, really, really, really, really can't.
(SOBS) OK excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me Excuse I'm Back away please Look, sir, you know, resisting a request is one step away from resisting arrest, OK? You need to stop.
Believe me, I'm not getting any enjoyment out of this.
- I'm gonna help you out, OK? - I'm gonna help you out.
I'm just taking the guitar.
Thank you.
WOMAN: What the hell is her problem? - WOMAN GROANS: Oh! - The show is over.
- Thanks a lot (!) - Maybe I'm helping his time.
- Goodbye.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- (BLEEP)! - Goodnight.
- Thank you.
Obviously, policing carries with it a large amount of respect, um, you know, mana, and the general public really respect respect.
- You OK? - No.
(ENGINE REVS) So, what we've got here is a guy driving 'erotically' Extremely 'erotically'.
This courier driver is riding roughshod over the rules.
Ooh! And rubbish bins.
Well, this kind of reckless disregard for public property probably means that they're intoxicated.
It's very strange for Officer O'Leary and I not to be on the same case, but I think I'm going pretty well without her.
Permission to turn on the sirens, O'Leary.
She's not here.
Those are the window wipers.
Just going into a dead end; be able to cut him off here.
(GRUNTS) Think Sarge'd be pretty proud of me.
Uh, what we're witnessing here is some kind of major supernatural event.
You missed it.
I believe they're trying to send me some sort of message.
What it is, I have no idea.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) - (KNOCKING) - Wind down the window, please, sir.
(WINDOW WHIRRS, DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYS) Well, that'll explain the, uh The issue we've got here.
Driving without a head.
Can you turn down that music, please, ma'am? Can you turn down the music? Just to your left a bit.
No, no, that's the heater.
You must have a little bit of muscle memory.
That's up.
That's too loud.
The opposite.
Maybe you should get out of the Get out, and I'll sort it out.
She's pretending she can't hear me.
Well, she probably can't hear me.
She's got no head.
Yeah, so it turned out just to be another standard gangland shootout.
So Oh! Something exciting happened.
Um, my partner, Officer Savoury, he got injured.
Hey, no, I'm just looking for the spare key.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- And also Sainsbury, not Savoury.
- OK.
Some work tensions going on.
But you've got to admit it's a hard name to remember.
And you were injured.
What, I got a splinter on a crate, so Yeah, but you can still die from secondary infection.
I dunno.
I was just trying to add a few twists and turns cos it's so boring around here.
You've lasted a lot longer than some of my other partners.
- It's only been four hours.
- Yeah.
Anyway, we should probably open this up, right? - Yeah, let's do it.
- (CAR BEEPS) How long have you had that? I just spent an hour looking for the key.
It's We like to play pranks on the newbies.
- Oh no.
I'm not new.
I'm not new.
- I've been a cop for 10 years.
Yeah, says the guy that's been looking for the key - for the last hour.
(LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) - You got Oh, you got me.
- I got him.
- I got you.
(LAUGHS) - You did.
You did.
I'll give it - I gotta hand it to you, yeah.
- I got him.
I got him.
We should probably open the boot, though, yeah.
- Yeah, we probably should, eh.
- Please be aliens.
Please be aliens.
Please be aliens.
Please be GROANS: Oh! Oh, it's just a hostage and a oh, a whole bag of drugs.
(CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS) So, we've found another person who apparently claims to have had their soul taken.
It's safe to say there is a pattern emerging here.
Also, I found this on the first victim, which is a flyer for a dubstep club.
And in law enforcement, we refer to that as a clue.
So I think we just need to question them a bit further.
Uh, guys, have you got any idea who it was who took your souls? - BOTH: Satan.
- Satan, OK.
And do you know why you think he took your souls? And was it potentially so you could fly and so you could become some sort of a rock god? Rock demon.
But I didn't know this would happen to me.
I've even grown a little tail.
Would it help if I showed you? No, thank you.
That's fine.
Um, so, basically, by piecing together the evidence and the, um, clues that I've gathered as part of a solid police investigation, it's safe to deduce that Satan is, in fact, back in the Wellington region, which is a little bit disturbing, and he's obviously up to no good.
So, I mean, I'd better now, at this point of time, you know, make my w make my way to that club as soon as possible to make sure that no other souls are taken.
- Are you OK? You right there? - Yep.
It's you.
It's your name.
Ah, tickles.
(GIGGLES) Tickles.
Oh, it sounds like.
Sounds like.
Sounds like bum, bottom.
Jonathan! Your name's Jonathan.
Fart! Fart! Sounds like smelly.
Jelly, Gelly, Helly, Welly, Kelly, Selly.
K-Kelly? Kelly.
Your name is Kelly.
Yes! So, uh, through using charades, we have determined that the victim's name is Kelly.
Um, we'll be writing that down in my notebook.
And is that Kelly with an 'I-E' or a 'Y'? So, we found Gus here in the boot of the car, and as soon as we freed him, he ran off, and we had to do a big chase around the shipping yard, and it was all kind of parkour and stuff.
But then as soon as we tackled him, Sainsbury and I did the 'good cop, bad cop' routine with him, and, um, Sainsbury was using some pretty R16 language.
But then I offered him one of my mum's toffee twists and then complimented him on his beanie, and he broke down and started crying and stuff.
- I wasn't crying.
- I've got a pollen allergy.
- You cried about it.
- It's all right to show your emotion, mate.
It's all right.
You should show them your 'bad cop' routine.
SHOUTS: Tell us the truth, smart-arse! - (LAUGHS) - Do you have to do that? - I'm the victim here.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh no.
- Oh, it's all right, mate.
- Of course, yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, he's the vic He was the hostage.
It's all right, yeah, yeah.
- You were tied up and everything.
- Totally.
Hey, it's all right to talk about your emotions, mate.
Don't Don't you go; you'll set me off too.
I've been showing a lot of surprise recently.
I'm really surprised that my partner's still alive.
Usually, they die in situations eerily like this one.
And I feel nervous that you keep bringing it up, so - Yeah.
- So stop it.
- So, how did you become a hostage? - Uh It's a long story.
Sort of something you fall into rather than, like, pursue.
That's a lot like me being a cop; I kind of fell into it.
- So I guess I kinda get it.
- You're doing great, though.
- I would say - (EXHALES HEAVILY) - No, no.
- Hey, take the compliment.
- But you can cry.
You can cry.
- It's this thing about guys Like, we just can't take compliments.
- You're really good at your job, man.
- Thank you.
If I just lean back, the tears won't.
No, let it out.
No, I don't want the tears to spill.
- I don't want the tears to spill.
- It'll ruin his mascara.
Here we go.
You've actually got quite a nice smile.
It's better.
Gives me something to talk to.
It's a bit weird without the, uh, head.
O'LEARY ON RADIO: Uh, Minogue, come in.
I think we're looking for Satan.
Do we have a description of the suspect? We've met him before.
Large horns and a scarlet complexion.
Legs are hooved in nature.
- Yeah, I've met him.
- Yeah, yeah.
Mr Goatie.
Um, how are you going? Yeah, going pretty well, just assisting Kelly, who I've ascertained has lost her, um her head.
She's lost her head.
So, that lovely suspect gave us a tip-off to another drug operation in another abandoned yard, so - Are you all right, mate? - You sound disappointed.
Look at yourself.
You're in the middle of an international drug ring.
I know, but it's not really my thing.
You gotta get out of that headspace, all right, cos you're more than just a great cop.
- You think I'm a great cop? - Yeah.
And you're a great partner too.
Really? Oi, look at me.
The best I've ever had.
Let's go get these guys.
He probably shouldn't say that, cos in the movies, when they say you're a great partner, they usually end up (GUNSHOTS) Oh God.
There's lots of shooting.
(GUNSHOTS, THUD!) No! No! So, we're here at the club.
We'll just see if we can obtain a visual on, uh, Satan.
- Oh, nah, it's full.
- Don't I know you from somewhere? Yeah, I was the regional manager at the Tawa Mall The 38th best in the country, 1987.
Yeah, OK, well, I'm actually here looking for Satan.
- Sorry, who's that? - Satan.
Have you seen Satan? - No, I don't know a Satan.
Um - His name's on there.
- I know a Stan from Marton.
- That might be an old poster.
Wouldn't want you guys to come down and, you know, - burn in hell or anything.
- Did you just say 'burn in hell'? In lnel Ineligible.
You're in hell You're ineligible to come down, uh, because you're not You're not members of the club.
I can sign you up right now.
It's very easy.
Um We've just got There's this document here.
If you don't mind just signing just down the bottom there.
There we go.
Got a pen and everything.
- 'Above is binding.
' How mu-? - Do you know what? I'm the police, so I'm just gonna go in and have a look around, OK? Thank you.
Oh, but you're supposed to Just wondering if you had a courier delivery today.
Yeah, we had a courier drop-off today, but it was the wrong package.
Is this the courier driver? Maybe.
Can you take the box off her head? Does that help? Probably not.
Yeah, they had a head when I saw them last.
Thanks very much.
That's actually really helpful, because it means when you were here, you still had your head.
Now all we have to do is retrace your route, and we'll find your head.
That's better.
And I'll just turn the lights It all comes from here.
It's quite a Bluetooth - It's one of those smart tablets.
- It's just the second one.
- Oh, that's better.
- There it is.
That's cool.
- There you go.
- Right? Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I'll just put some smoke out.
- It looks pretty cool.
- We don't need smoke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It takes a second just for the element to warm up, but, yeah, worth it.
There's meant to be more.
Actually, let's get on to the point, OK? - OK.
- I've ascertained that you've been - stealing souls tonight.
- OK, that's offensive.
Can you hold that, please? You are profiling me right now, and it is very unfair.
- In what way? - I'm out there; I'm doing deals; I'm a dealmaker; I'm claiming souls.
How does that make you feel? I'm out there, just - That or what you just said? - Yeah.
(HUMS) Mm.
- Both not that comfortable.
- OK.
And, end of the day, I'm gonna have to ask you - to return those souls.
- Look, they got what they desired.
- Ian here wanted to be famous.
- You didn't make me famous.
- Yes, I did.
- Look, you're on TV now.
Camera there, camera there.
You're welcome.
It's not my fault people don't read the terms and conditions.
They just click 'accept'.
I'm innocent here.
OK, do you know what? There's one thing I know about the devil, and that is that you enjoy a battle of skills.
(EXCLAIMS) A contest of wits, you say? - No, I said a battle of skills.
- Ooh! Ooh, you're good.
Well, well Let's dance.
(EXCLAIMS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Where's he gone? Hi.
If you really want those souls returned, why don't you put your money where your mouth is, Officer O'Leary? So if I win, I get back all of the souls that you claimed tonight.
- Mm-hm.
- I must warn you, though I'm very good at poker.
I've been told I've got a killer poker face.
Everyone always picks poker.
Well, I'm also very good at Guess Who? The mystery face game? OK.
- Ah.
- Guess Who? Oh, actually, this is a rip-off of that game.
It's Who the Hell? (DRAMATIC NOTE) Sometimes a map is just a regular map, just a collection of pins, no hidden messages.
Oh, well.
Really thought something was gonna hap Hey, something is happening! Look, look, look, look, look! Yes! Yes, I knew it.
And I get to crack this case all by myself, just like the old days.
- Officer Strawberry! - I will avenge your death.
- It's Sainsbury.
- Sainsbury?! It's Sainsbury.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I keep getting that wrong.
- It's OK.
Look at me.
- Yeah? I don't want you to avenge me.
I just want you to focus on being the best cop you can be.
- Oh.
- (PANTS) - Fine.
You can avenge me.
- I can? - Yeah.
- OK, great.
Code beige.
Calling code beige.
(HELICOPTER ROTORS ROAR) (ACTION MUSIC) Go, go, go! Move it! Go, go! - Go, go, go, go, go! - Go, go! Go, go, go! (MUSIC CONTINUES) - Right.
- Are we good to play? - We are playing! - We've already started.
- Oh, it's my go.
- Yes.
You're starting.
OK! Right.
- Are you a man or a woman? - I find that offensive.
No, on the board.
Well, I still refuse to answer that.
DISTORTED: You refuse the Lord of Lies?! Yes.
You see, that was better, cos that was a yes or no question.
Do you have glasses? No.
- You knocked two down there.
- Hang on.
Ahh! Ian, can you help? Claws are just a Sounds like belly, tummy.
Well, I don't know how you can understand any of this.
Door! Why didn't I think of 'door'? - (CLAWS SCRAPE) - That annoying? - No.
- It is.
What are you doing here? I'm just playing, uh, Who the Hell? Fair enough.
We're kind of doing a thing right now.
Mr Satan, I'm actually assisting Kelly here.
She's trying to find her head, and we've tracked it down.
The last known premises is here.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I think we've got that.
Um - Lost property is just over here.
About time you turned up, you idiot.
She sold me her soul, and in exchange, - she wanted to lose 5 ugly kgs.
- Rude! - That is really rude.
- I am the devil.
- I'm ready to guess.
You're Herman.
- Are you sure? You don't wanna - Herman.
- Think about it, because - Herman.
(GROANS) No! Mm.
It's Attila the Hun.
I'm sorry.
You lose.
Wrong guess.
Attila the Hun's not even one of the cards.
You cheated.
Yeah, of course I cheated; I'm Satan.
I know that the devil is bound by the rules of the game.
Really hoped you didn't know that fact.
I'm in the police, so rules are kind of my thing.
All right, O'Leary.
You win.
But one day, the Abode of the Damned will have its due.
(ROARS) It would appear that the, uh, suspect has actually escaped in a puff of disgusting, sulphury-smelling sm smoke.
Oh - Sorry.
No, that's I'm still here.
- Sorry.
That was really I'm really embarrassed about that, but, um Oh Look, I'm gonna go.
But just remember, one of you two is going to hell.
- Give us a clue.
- Nah.
Please? - Oh - I can't tell you! (LAUGHS, FARTS) MAAKA: Aargh! Satan! I'm ready to face you! Kua rite au kite pakanga atu ki a koe! Face me, for I am ready, and I fear you not! Uh, too late, Sarge.
- What? - Too late.
Uh, all right.
Um Stand down.
That's a bit better.
If I let go, just stick it Oh, damn it.
So, after a huge, action-packed gun battle that that cameras didn't actually pick up because their batteries needed to be recharged, it turns out that the drug ring goes right to the top.
And so the parliamentary official who was in charge of it all actually turns out to be the identical twin of Officer Stainsbury.
That's him there.
His face has probably been pixelated to protect his identity, but his face is exactly like this guy's face down here.
- (GASPS) - (GROANS) - You're alive! - Yeah.
I thought you were dead.
I was just about to tell them that you'd died.
No, of course I'm still alive.
I'm not ready to lose my best partner ever.
- But how are you? - Are you all right? Yeah, I think something must've caught the bullet.
- (GASPS) - Oh my God.
That's Mum's toffee twist! There's a twist that nobody saw coming.
(BOTH LAUGH) I almost die, and you're cracking jokes.
I'm gonna have to ask to be reassigned - or I'm gonna die from laughter.
- Yeah.
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