Wellington Paranormal (2018) s04e04 Episode Script

Skeleton Crew

1 (INTENSE MUSIC) Please excuse the construction noises going on.
Uh, the station is having super-fast broadband installed.
- Yeah! - Whoo! (ALL APPLAUD) Great news.
Um, now, on to a more serious matter.
(DRILLS WHIRR, TOOLS BANG) We all value ourselves as police.
It's not easy.
We get up in the (CONSTRUCTION INTENSIFIES) We get up in the morning (CONSTRUCTION DROWNS OUT SPEECH) And that that is probably the most important thing I've ever said to any of you.
- Yes.
- Uh, sorry.
Apologies, Sarge.
It's getting increasingly hard to follow this briefing due to the continual audio interference.
Um, how long is the construction going to take? - Well, that depends, O'Leary.
- How long is a piece of string? Ah.
Well, that depends, Sarge.
B e ca u 5e (CONSTRUCTION DROWNS OUT SPEECH) later that same day I maybe twice around that finger, so.
You know what? I'm gonna go get this sorted out, all right? Now, dismissed.
So, here we are in the basement, AKA the bowels of the station.
We're just gonna have a word to the construction guys (YELLS) and see if we can't come up with some kind of compromise.
Morning, fullas.
I thought you guys were working this whole time.
Yeah, we have been.
Do your jackhammers have to go during your breaks? Find the sound quite soothing.
(JACKHAMMER POWERS DOWN) Hey, guys! Look at this! Oh, yeah.
There's something weird down there.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Minogue! Health and Safety! (THUDS) ' Argh! Look.
It's a gravestone.
Here's another one.
It says, 'In memory of Joan Richwhite.
' This one says, 'In memory of William Whiting.
' READS: John 'Whitey' Whiteman.
Well, if I'm not mistaken.
This very station is built on a Pakeha burial ground, or a resting place for Caucasian people.
(THUNDER RUMBLES, LIGHTNING CRACKS) I'm just trying to work out the weather forecast, because I left my washing on the line, and I really need my sheets to be dry when I get home tonight, but I can't work out how to connect to the internet.
(COMPUTER BEEPS) READS: 'You will diet 'O-night.
' Hang on.
(READS) You will die tonight.
Now I just have to work out the password.
Nah, password is not 'password'.
(KEYS TAP) (COMPUTER BEEPS) Yes! Cracked it.
Password is 'password2'.
Hey, Dan.
Password is 'password2'.
King Jane.
Password is 'password2'.
- Stella.
- Yep.
Tell Jane the password is 'password2'.
Stella is annoyed at me, because I stole her cup.
'I am the law, ' which is technically not true, really.
We are the law.
There's about 4000 of us.
So, I'm just doing a bit of police admin.
I mean, it's not paranormal, obviously, but it's a really important part of the job.
And it's (PAPERS WHIRR) Says it needs more blood.
I mean surely it just means magenta (YELLS) Whoa.
Minogue, what is it? I was just watching a video for work purposes, and look.
Oh, that's cute.
- Why is this for work purposes? - Well, wait for it.
(SCREEN BUZZES, WOMAN SCREAMS, BOTH YELL) Is it supposed to do that? (ELECTRICAL SCREAMING) Is it? Oh, candlestick.
Um, samurai swords.
Probably once a year, it's my responsibility just to go through all the paraphernalia and weaponry that we've confiscated from criminals that we've arrested, and then sell it online.
OK, so 10 bucks, 10 bucks, 10 bucks, 10 bucks.
10 bucks each or, um, 40 for four.
Um, for example these binoculars we took from a peep A notorious peeping tom.
Um, so, yeah.
So, if you're interested in binoculars, make sure you put in a bid on 'em.
Um, they're really good for peeping, apparently.
This one here we took from, like, a really dodgy.
Um, motel owner.
Here's the bach.
He's gone away for a long time 18 months.
Uh, this one this is, um, some golf clubs.
Uh, we've had this I've been trying to sell it for the last five years, but people don't seem to really be interested in it.
I think maybe because of the, um, blood and the brain matter, and there's a few, kind of, human hairs on there.
That's probably But, you know, you could clean it up with, um, Spray and Wipe, no problem.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Ah, over here you've got heaps of coke um, cocaine.
So maybe five bucks for that.
(SNIFFS, CHUCKLES) This So this a briefcase of $45,000.
Um maybe 30 grand.
Uh, what else have we got? So then Officer Minogue called me over to his desk, um, where he was watching some cat videos.
- Work-related cat videos.
- Yep.
And then all of a sudden, this ghost face came out of the screen and screamed, 'It's not the heat that gets you; it's the humidity.
' That's interesting.
That's a phrase that Pakeha love to say.
Well, to be fair, Sarge.
Ever since we uncovered that Pakeha burial ground, things have been a bit off.
I mean, look at what the photocopier produced.
That's awesome.
Go backwards.
I like it when he's getting smaller.
- Can you make it dance? - It's moving.
- Cool.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What does that say there? There.
It says, 'Time to die.
' - (BANGING ON DOOR) - (GASPS) - Sarge, it's me, Parker.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Everyone just stay still.
- Hopefully he'll just go away.
- Guys, I know you're in there.
- Please.
I I've got to show you something.
(BANGS ON DOOR) - Guys? - OK, let him in.
- What's the password? - Oh, I don't know.
- Password2? - He guessed it.
Guys, I've got to show you something that's really freaky.
Here you go.
Oh, no.
Sorry, that's my WHISPERS: That's my Tinder.
Here we go.
This one here.
I was taking some photos.
Look at that.
There's me and a trike.
And look what's - Can you see that behind? - What? Is that a trick of the light, or is that a is that? That's not a trick of the light, Parker.
Sgt Maaka speaking.
Oh, yes.
- WHISPERS: Who is it? - Yeah, sure.
I can do that.
YEP- Sure, I'll I'll let them know.
Thank you.
Who was it, Sarge? Uh, it was a somewhat ghoulish voice telling me that we're all going to die.
(SIGHS) That's not even the scariest thing that's happened to us today, right? (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) So, after much deliberation.
We have decided upon two courses of action.
One, we could confront these Pakeha spirits who have escaped into our station.
Or two, just leave the premises.
So we had a vote, and we've decided to leave the premises.
Uh, also Parker has to leave early, because he's got choir practice tonight.
I've got it every Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday nights.
It's really bucketing down out there.
I'm not keen to go out.
Uh, maybe we should stay.
- But what about the ghosts? - Oh, yeah.
It's jammed.
The door is jammed.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) Hey, look! The Pakeha spirits have gotten into the circuitry.
They're in the Wi-Fi; they're in the printer.
Pakeha will take over everything given half a chance.
No offence.
Guys, they've even colonised the vending machine.
Looks like we're gonna have to take the first course of action, which is confront these ghosts and maybe even talk to them.
- Is this free? - Who knows? They might even be friendly.
No, it's stolen, eh? Stolen it.
So we are now actually in the, um, police cleaning cupboard, and we've decided what's essential is that we attempt to communicate - with the spirit.
- That's right.
And, uh, found this police-issue Ouija board, and that way we can use it to attempt to interview the ghosts.
(CLEARS TH ROAT) Spirits, if you are there, please make your presence or presences known.
- Present? - Presence.
Oh, so you think they're like the Ghost of Christmas Past or something? - (ELECTRICITY BUZZES) - Ooh.
(WHIMPERS) (ALL MURMUR) - Who's moving that? - Oh.
It would appear that a ghost is actually moving this.
Hey, hey.
It's attempting to spell something out.
ALL: S, U, C.
It's attempting to communicate with us.
What's it spelling? - Oh my goodness.
- (RETCHES) That is highly offensive! Eurgh! You can't talk to us like that, ghost.
We can't actually repeat what it's saying, because it's of quite a graphic and highly offensive nature.
(ALL SHUDDER) What a potty mouth.
Can we arrest a ghost for talking to us like that, Sarge? Can we unpack all of this in a safe space, please? I mean, what does it want? Well, what do we know about these old Pakeha? The three of you are Pakeha.
What is the most common complaint we get from old Pakeha? BOTH: They want people off their property.
Sometimes it's not even their property.
Like, sometimes it can be, like, a park or a beach.
Like, 'Get the blimmin' heck off my beach!' - Yeah, that is so pakeha.
- Right.
They most like likely want us off their land.
It's not really their land, though, is it? - Mm.
- Yeah, well, that won't matter.
WHISPERS: Do you want us to be quiet? Yes.
Now, I think we can deduce that there is a spirit in this lightbulb.
(WHIMPERS) What's happening now? Um, O'Leary, unplug the modem, quick! There's a spirit trapped inside.
(YELLS) (GRUNTS) - Get it, Sarge! - Get it, Sarge! - Go, Sarge.
You got this! - Secure it! Stop resisting! (BLOWS SMACK) That that's assaulting a police officer.
You have the right to an attorney.
(YELLS) - (GRUNTS, SIGHS) - You OK, Sarge? (EERIE MUSIC) (GROANS) - We did it! - We did it! - (LAUGHS) We did it.
Yaysies! - GIGGLES: We did it! What's up, Sarge? HAUGHTY: Well, I'm feeling a fair bit parched after that little tussle.
Excuse me? Why don't we go out for a few bevvies after this, eh? I feel like it's beer o'clock somewhere.
Am I right? (LAUGHS) - We've got work.
- Are you hard at work, or are you hardly working, eh? (LAUGHS) High five.
High five! Yeah No.
Oh, no.
We're gonna get it.
Yep, almost.
Ooh, ooh.
Halfway there.
Halfway there.
- Another one.
- You've got to line the elbows up.
- Line the elbows up.
Oh! - We're gonna get it eventually.
That's a bit Ah, yeah.
We got it! Yeah.
TRILLS: Victory dance.
Is it just me or does Sarge seem particularly pakeha? Now I could be wrong, but it feels like a fantabulous time for you (DEMONICALLY) to die! (SCREAMS) (ALL YE LL) (CACKLES DISTANTLY) So what we deduce has happened is that Sarge has been possessed by one of the spirits released from the Pakeha burial ground.
(PANTS) Which was uncovered in order to get faster broadband Wi-Fi in the station.
Guys, have you noticed that we've been running past the same door again and again? (WAILS) See? Look.
That is a bit weird, isn't it? That is a bit weird, isn't it? See? Look.
That is a bit weird, isn't it? It's like we're in the Flintstones or something.
(WAILS HAUNTINGLY) Parker? Parker! - Are you possessed too? - No, I'm just warming up for my choir practice.
Now, guys, listen.
I know that it's, like, really scary what we're going through and stuff, but is there any way we could speed it up? Because I've got to get to my choir practice tonight.
Look, I don't know, Parker, OK? We're in a never-ending hallway apparently, so, you know, - we could be here forever.
- Mm.
Eurgh, yuck.
- (GASPS) (GASPS) Ta-da! Ha! Oh, guys, it's a party in here.
Now, are you guys ready for the Bogey Man? You get it? (LAUGHS) Sarge has been possessed by someone making really bad jokes.
- He wouldn't actually like that.
- Hang on.
What's he doing? - Wait, wait.
- No.
(SCREAMS) - (YELLS) - That one was a bit high.
- (ALL SCREAM) - Hey, hey, what did the cheese say to itself in the mirror? Hallou-mi.
(CHORTLES) (EERIE MUSIC) Go, go, go! Lights! Lights! (PANTS) - Hey, where's Parker? - Shh.
- Hey! Hey, maybe Sarge has got him.
You know, like in those movies where one member of the group disappears at a time? It's always the chatty one who goes first.
But Parker is pretty chatty.
OK, so stop chatting, then, or you're gonna be next.
- Can you see him? - Not yet.
- DISTANTLY: Whoopsie-daisy! - (LAUGHS) Why is he yelling 'Whoopsie-daisy'? He's so white.
It's embarrassing.
(TENSE MUSIC) - O'Leary.
- What? I think you're gonna want to see this.
READS: 'You can't beat Wellington on a good day, ' - over and over and over again.
- Well, he's not wrong.
Maybe if we work out who is buried on this site here, we can figure out a way to get that ghost out of Sgt Maaka.
(KEYS TAP) BOTH: Whoa! - Wow.
- It's the fibre connection.
- It's unbelievable.
- The internet is so fast so fast.
- Don't like that.
- Certainly not optimal.
(PRINTER WHIRRS) Can you make that thing go a bit quieter, please? Because Sarge is gonna hear us.
Well, you're the one who wanted to print them.
Yeah, well I can't read off a screen at night - because it keeps me awake.
- The ghosts don't keep you awake? No.
So we've managed to obtain some intel, um, on who is buried in the cemetery here.
Um one of the graves belongs to a notorious criminal, John 'Whitey' Whiteman, um, AKA the Bogey Man.
Not the Boogie Man.
Um, actually, the Bogey Man.
The Bogey Person.
Bogey Person probably is the best term.
Yeah, absolutely.
It says here that he, uh, became homicidal after getting a bogey on every single hole except for the 18th, where he got a double bogey.
This sent him into a murderous rage.
He killed all of this golfing buddies with a golf club.
You know, from our point of view, if you're playing sport and things aren't really going your way, you know, - just take a little time out.
- Mm.
I think what we need to do now is, um, you know, find out what his weakness is, and potentially, we can use that against him, um, to our advantage.
It says here he lost because of his put-ting - But put-ting what? And where? - It's putting.
It's a golfing term.
So it's when you use the little stick to get the ball in the hole.
Oh, is it? - Like mini golf? - No, no.
| t's (CRASH!) (BOTH YELP) - (GROWLS) - Get away! (BOTH YELL) Here's Whitey! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) - (YELLS) - Sarge, Sarge.
- Stop it, Sarge! - You're scaring O'Leary.
Oh! Oh.
- Oh, it's very splintery.
- What?! This wood.
This wood is very splintery.
Go, go, go, go, go! - Block the door! Block the door! - It's so annoying.
- (THUNK!) - Does anybody have any tweezers? - Push! - Hey! Hey! - Shh.
- Ohh, gosh darn it.
Why the hell did you have to go and do that for, eh? - I'm gonna call the cops.
- (BANGS ON DOOR) - What? No, but No, what are you? - (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
That's not gonna work - It's ringing! It's ringing! - (PHONE RINGS) - Minogue! - Answerphone.
- (WOOD CRUNCHES) - Look! - See the little door! - Come on.
Go, go, go! Quick! Come on! - (GRUNTS) - Come on! Come on! - Get in! - Get in there! Get in there! - You're the smallest.
Get in! - Quick! Hurry up! - It's too late for Kevin! Go! Go! Go! Go! (GRUNTS) Yoo-hoo! Time to die! (LAUGHS) Hello! Wonderful day, isn't it? - Hurry up, Evan! Get in here! - There's a door! A door! Go through, through, through! Faster! Faster! - Hurry up! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - Go! Go! Go! You go! You go! - Oh, this is weird.
- This is quite cool.
We're actually back in the Paranormal office.
Parker! I told you it was like the movies.
- He's dead, isn't he? - He's still got a pulse! Mouth-to-mouth I learnt about that in the movies too.
- That was a CPR training video.
- Oh, yeah.
I wondered why the performances were so wooden, but I liked the happy ending.
- No, it's my turn.
It's my turn.
- (YELPS) No, it's my turn.
You did that old lady at the mall.
- She died.
- Yeah, - but that still counts as one.
- No, it doesn't.
Anyway Just cos you were no good at it doesn't mean it doesn't count.
You did it the other week with that softball player.
Yeah, but that was the other week, not the other day.
- No.
No, it's not your turn.
- So it's my turn.
Well, you've got the taser this week.
(INHALES DEEPLY) - (GURGLES) - (YELLS) - (GASPS) Oh, goodness! - Parker, you're alive! - I'm so good at mouth-to-mouth.
- Oh, sorry, guys.
It's Oh, sorry.
| t's When I get stressed, um, I tend to fall asleep.
Just It's not very good when you're a cop, obviously.
I was just having the worst dream! There was this squid, and I was married to it, and we were living in this aquarium.
But, I don't know, we weren't that good, anyway! Parker.
There's no time for an explanation, OK? We have got to get that ghost out of Maaka stat.
- Is 'stat' short for? - It just means straightaway.
- Statistics, is it? - No, - straightaway.
It means now.
- Statutory.
Like, they say it in the medical thing.
So, we've come up with a simple yet effective plan.
Uh, what we've done is recreated the 18th hole where John 'Whitey' Whiteman lost.
Um, what we're hoping is that Sarge, AKA John 'Whitey' Whiteman, will come through those doors, he'll see that putter, and then put the ball straight in the hole there.
He's gonna drill a bogey, uh, then he's gonna find peace finally - and, uh, go on to the next realm.
- Mm.
Guys, there are so many variables.
I just don't know if the whole thing will work out.
Yep, we know your reservations.
You've been grumbling about this plan since the get-go.
Now it's just a game of hide-and-seek, really.
It's wait-and-see.
Well, agree to disagree.
Hoo-hoo! Say 'cheese'! - (GASPS) - (LAUGHS) - Now, time for a silly one.
- What? Oh, come on.
First you do a proper one, and then you do a silly one.
That's the way it works! Come on! - Just do it.
- Come on! Yes.
Great, good.
And hold it.
And cheese! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) And now (DEMONICALLY) it's time to die! (ROARS, CACKLES) Whitey! Whitey, wait! Look.
It's the green on the 18th hole.
- What?! - There's your putter.
- All you have to do is pick it up.
- And just get your bogey, buddy.
- Then you can be happy.
- Oh I see.
- That's it, mate.
That's it, mate.
- You can do it.
- Line up the shot.
- Bit of encouragement, guys.
- OK, you can do it! - Come on! Come on! Quiet, please! Quiet, please.
(SOFT MUSIC) (ALL GASP) ALL: No! (GARBLED YELLING) - (SCREAMS) What?! - That was supposed to go in! I guess I've got no other option but to kill you all, just like I did last time! (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Oh! (GRUNTS) (PANTS) Oh! Oh, damn! Oh, damn it! I can't get any purchase on the club.
I'll just have to call my chums.
Yoo-hoo! (ENERGY CRACKLES) (SHUDDERS) FEMALE, POSHLY: It's very humid, isn't it? (DISTORTED WHISPERS) (SHUDDERS) - Oh, hello! - It is muggy.
Oh no, not more Pakeha ghosts! They're gonna colonise the whole station.
- (HUFFS) This is not your property! - Get off my property.
- You shouldn't be on our property.
Get off! - No, you get off those bodies! Those aren't your bodies.
Get out! We're gonna call the police on you.
Well, I am the police! We are the police.
Those are police bodies, so why don't you vacate them and get out of our police station?! What was it you just said to me, young chap? You heard me, Pakeha.
You and 5 your mates, get off my property! - It's not your property! - You wanna bet? - OK.
Here we go, Mr White-man.
- White-min.
- Uh, OK, Mr White-men.
- White-min.
OK, Mr White-man.
If you just take note of the official signature there, - that is the signed part of the deed.
- Yes, I see.
Uh, so that would mean that the Ministry of Corrections owns all of this land and out to the car park.
As is the pakeha way, to own the land, you need a piece of paper.
Yes, OK.
I overstayed my welcome.
Goodbye to you all.
Haere ra, Pakeha.
All right.
Quickly Let's get this wrapped up.
Seal this lid.
(GRUNTS) Quick, get some of that Selley's No-More-Gaps on there.
(GRUNTS) God, it's congealing already.
He's a ghost, though, guys.
Won't he just pass through the concrete? - OK, guys.
That's enough there.
- Come on.
Let's wrap it up.
Here we go.
Ah! Water on you.
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, so, at the end of the day, I don't actually remember most of what happened, to be honest, mainly due to the fact that I was possessed by a homicidal Pakeha spirit.
Oh, regardless, though, we're just glad to have you back, Sarge.
Yeah, but what we're most glad about is that we've now got high-speed internet in the police station.
I mean, I would even go so far as to say this has all been completely worth it.
(WAILS SPOOKILY) What have we said about making that noise, Parker? - Oh.
Sorry, guys.
- I'm just exercising my tool.
And my tool, in this case, is my vocal folds.
Actually, do you guys want to come to the Great Wellington Sing-Off? I can get you complimentary tickets.
- I'm gonna be away that day.
- I've got soccer practice.
Probably gonna feel sick that night.
Well, hope you feel better soon, Minogue.
- GHOSTS: We'll come! - FEMALE GHOST: I love getting on my knees for a good hymn! MALE GHOST: We should all go.
Is it choir music? Oh, he looks like a choir boy, - doesn't he? - He does.

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