Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - [counselors cheering.]
- [rock music playing.]
No.
[counselor.]
Yeah! [counselor.]
No, he's not.
Whoo! No, it's okay.
It's okay.
Let it out.
[Mitch.]
As my great-grandfather said back in 1947 when we first opened, Camp Firewood is more than just a summer camp.
Camp Firewood is an idea.
A promise.
A way of life.
"A promise, a way of life" I covered that.
All right, I just wanted to have a quick meeting with the junior staff before the buses get here.
All right, some of you were campers here last year.
- [counselors agreeing.]
- But now, you're all 16 or 17 years old.
So do not think that being a counselor means that you are campers with drinking privileges.
[all.]
Mitch! These are some things that will not happen here this summer, especially if you all want to last eight weeks - and see Alan Shemper - Oh, my God.
Host the talent show on the last night.
My brother went to Camp Cayuga.
He said Alan Shemper was amazing.
First and foremost, there will be no relations between campers and counselors.
This includes dry humping, necking, wet humping, finger banging, wheel barrowing, the old one-two, the old one-two-three, the old one-two-three-four, the Bavarian pretzel, Denver omelets, the double-double, the double down, the triple-double, the double dip, the daily double.
Saltwater taffying Basically, any skin-to-skin contact is a no-no.
- [all.]
Beth! - Beth.
She's so funny.
She's, like, Marla Gibbs-level funny.
Shh! Listen up, listen up.
Hand goes up, mouth goes shut.
- [all exclaiming.]
- Toffler! Toffifay.
And toffee crunch.
Now, I just wanna say, I know that camp is definitely all about having fun, and I can whoop it up as much as the next guy.
But this year, I'm Boys' Head Counselor, which means that if I see some unsanctioned camp activity, I'm gonna have to report you.
But if I don't see it, then as far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen, if you're picking up what I'm putting [horn blowing.]
- Sorry, Greg.
Time's up.
- [all exclaiming.]
Again, this time with the air horn.
She's hilariously funny.
It's very She's very witty.
- It's a dry wit.
- It's a very dry wit, but it's very funny.
- Where was she even keeping the air horn? - Yeah.
I don't I don't know.
- Did you hear that? - Who is that? Is that [all exclaim.]
- [counselor.]
Cool! - I'm late.
Andy, so nice of you to grace us with your presence.
You were supposed to be here a week ago! Whatever.
Smells weird.
Who beefed? Andy fuckin' Fleckner! J.
fuckin' J.
Ha! Nice lady-shorts, McKinley.
Yeah, I got 'em from your mom's dresser.
Oh! - [counselor.]
Good one.
- [imitates explosion.]
Hey, man.
Don't make fun of the guy who dresses my mom.
Oh, I'm sorry, man, I didn't realize you I thought your mom was still dressing herself.
Hey.
All right, next thing.
Poison ivy is real.
Mea culpa.
Apparently there was a piece in The Times about it Hey.
[Mitch.]
and it seems that it is real.
Hey.
Hey, J.
J.
, um, have you seen Donna Berman? - No, I don't think she's here yet.
- Oh, okay.
Ah, doesn't matter.
It's not a big deal at all.
I was just asking because we're dating.
So, I was just kind of wondering where she was.
'Cause of 'cause we're dating, so But it's not a big deal, so Hey, Mitch, I got an announcement to make.
[all.]
Victor! Settle down! Settle down, you scumbags! "Scumbags"! Classic! That's the stuff, Vic! That's the stuff right there, Vic.
All right, okay.
Tonight after lights out, staff party at the Roundhouse.
[all cheering.]
And, you guys, hey, you guys.
My high school sweetheart, Shari, is coming to the party tonight, so just be cool, okay? Yeah, everybody be cool.
It's his high school sweetheart, Shari.
Hey, would it be cool if I just stuck my ding dong in Shari's ear like this? Bonk, bonk, bonk! Like, it was like, "Hey, my ding dong's in your ear, Shari.
" [aggressively.]
Come on, take that in your ear, Shari.
Take my ding dong in your ear.
Take my ding dong in your ear, Shari.
- Shari, take my ding dong in your ear.
- [Neil straining.]
- Take my ding dong, Shari.
- Come on.
- [counselor.]
Leave him alone.
- Take my ding dong - Vic, come on! - [Victor.]
Okay! - I was just joking around.
- [counselor.]
You all right? - What's his problem? - You okay? Anyways, staff party tonight at the Roundhouse.
Oh, damn it! I'm supposed to go to the Camp Tigerclaw summer formal tonight with my boyfriend Blake.
Camp Tigerclaw? [scoffs.]
Don't you mean Camp Tiger Dick? Those guys are prep school turkeys.
Skin it.
[Blake.]
Katie, my Katie, my beautiful Katie.
[clicking tongue.]
Why do you insist on slumming it with those Camp Firewood stooges? [laughing.]
Stooges.
Good one, Blake.
Everyone at Camp Firewood is definitely a stooge.
Why does she go to camp over there? She's rich, like us.
She should go to camp on the rich side of the lake.
We have Jet Skis! We have veal scaloppini You watch your mouth, Graham.
That's my girlfriend you're talking about.
You're right.
I'm I'm sorry, chum.
I would like to offer a sincere apology for what I said.
Apology accepted.
Thank you.
- [buses approaching.]
- The buses! The buses! "The buses! The buses!" Who are you, Mitch, Tattoo? That's Hervé Villechaize.
Have you seen that show? All right, but let's go.
Campers are here.
[campers chattering.]
Come on, come on! Let's go, let's go! Come on.
Good, there you go.
Come on, let's go! Ugh, can you please help me? You're gorgeous.
I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, God.
Come here.
I'm gonna miss this face.
[girl 1.]
Whoa! That is cool.
[girl 2.]
Hey! Are you excited? Mmm, I wanna I love you.
The eyeballs, let me kiss the eyeballs.
You're Bunk Three, and you're with the Webelos in Camp Four.
So just go down there, past the canteen.
You'll see it.
[camper's mom.]
I left some condoms in the left pocket Excuse me, my good man.
Can you point me in the direction of the camp radio station? Uh, sorry, kid.
We don't have a camp radio station.
But it says here, "Camp Firewood offers a state-of-the-art ten-watt FM radio broadcasting facility.
" Hey, J.
J.
, do we have a state-of-the-art broadcasting facility? My dick is a state-of-the-art broadcast facility.
Man, when did Katie Finnerty get hot? [J.
J.
.]
Yeah, those mosquito bites have turned into juicy tarantula bites.
And plus, someone gave her the memo about losing the braces.
Yeah, well, send her a new memo.
To Katie, from Andy.
Re: Me being your boyfriend.
Hunker down for doinkage.
[J.
J.
.]
Nah, don't bother.
She's dating that douchebag from Camp Tigerclaw across the lake.
Doesn't scare me.
Check this out.
Katie! You gonna be around later? - Um, yeah.
- Cool.
So am I.
[Katie.]
That was weird.
[snickering.]
[snickering continues.]
She wants me.
[counselor.]
Hey, Shannon! Adam! Hey, buddy.
What's your name? - Kevin Appleblatt.
- Kevin Appleblatt.
Ah! You are in my bunk, Kevin Appleblatt.
What's wrong? I don't know anybody.
I don't want to be here.
But look, no one really knows anybody their first time at camp.
My first time here, I didn't really want to be here, either.
But you know what? By the end of the first day, I made a ton of friends.
And I can honestly say, eight summers later, my camp friends are my best friends.
Look, you've already made one friend, Kevin.
- Who? - "Who?" What are you, a barn owl? Who? Hoo-hoo! Me, that's who! Hey, listen, why don't you put your bag over in the bag pile? - I'll see you in a bit.
- All right.
- [boy.]
Hey, Billy! What's up, man? - [man.]
Have fun, sweetie.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Amanda.
[boy.]
Hey, Cliff.
Your bunk is next to mine.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Um, do you want to put your bag there? - It's It's okay.
- You can put your bag there.
- Are you sure? You know, I'm just gonna keep it.
Oh, okay.
Just keep it.
See ya.
Okay, Amy, you ready to meet your other campers? - Yeah, sure.
- It's so fun! - Hello.
- Girls, how are you? Baby, I am telling you, you were a rocket pop last night.
- [sighs.]
- I could have kept on slurping you.
Ew! [shushing.]
You weren't ew-ing me last night when I was fondling those big, fat knockers of yours.
- Honk! Honk! - [gasps.]
- Hey! - There's campers! [Coop.]
Hey, Beth.
What? I saw you and Mitch doing a little Tune in Tokyo.
Yes, I spilled a little bit of Tang on my shirt, so he was Beth, come on.
Are you gonna keep playing this game? We all know about you and Mitch.
Are you serious? I thought we were being so careful.
No! You can't keep secrets like that at camp.
It's like I would compare it to how, like, everyone knows that, like, me and Donna Berman are boyfriend and girlfriend.
- You and Donna? - Yeah.
Fun, popular, lovely - Yeah.
- Donna Berman? - What? - Statuesque.
[chuckling.]
Yes, Beth! - Golden-toned - Yes.
Seemingly poreless skin Donna? Yeah.
What? Nothing.
That's wonderful.
- I believe you.
- Yeah, well I definitely believe you.
We hooked up at the end of last summer.
I've tried getting in touch with her since then, but it's been a little difficult, just 'cause I think she's, like, busy with babysitting and field hockey and all that jazz.
But we're definitely a couple.
I can confirm that.
Well, just, you know, take it slow.
'Cause, you never know, you know? You are hilarious, Beth.
- [boy.]
Is there gonna be lunch? - Hey, you! [girls laughing.]
We are the floppy twins! The flippy, flappy, floppy twins! - I'm floppy Milly - I'm flippy Willy - We look so cute - And we act so silly We are the floppy twins! [both laugh.]
[both sigh.]
- Welcome one - Welcome all [both.]
To the Camp Firewood Summer Theater program! We are all so happy you are here.
But if you do want to stay here, you're gonna have to use a little bit of this.
A little bit of this.
And a whole lot of this.
That's right, that's your diaphragm.
And that's gonna allow you to project your voice in the theater! For those of you that don't know us, I'm Susie and this is Ben.
Hi.
- I wear many hats.
- Mmm.
I'm the director slash choreographer of the company.
And I am the executive producer slash part-time producer slash part-time costume designer slash full-time fan of [both.]
The American theater! Now, I hear the rumor mill is abuzz.
- [clears throat.]
- There are a lot of people asking whether or not Ben and I are still a couple.
"Tell us, tell us! Are you still dating? We all want to know.
People are dying.
" And the answer is Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! - A resounding a-yes.
- [all clapping.]
[girl.]
Aw! [imitating southern accent.]
Ain't she something? Oh, what did I just do there? Oh, I guess I just turned into a southern gentleman.
[in southern accent.]
Oh, Milly, where's my mint julep? [weak laughter.]
Every year, on the first day of camp, the counselors perform a Broadway musicale.
And this year, we're presenting the explosive Broadway hit, Electro-City! Electro-City is the story of a young man who moves from the country to the city to become a Broadway star and is immediately sent to the electric chair for a crime he did not commit.
- [all gasp.]
- Or did he? - [all.]
Oh.
- And one more thing! To add a taste of authenticity, we have been rehearsing all week with a special guest director, Mr.
Claude Dumet.
Mr.
Dumet played town crier slash Uncle Pete slash background cop in the first original touring company of Electro-City, so he knows all the choreography because he either did it on or backstage every night.
[aggressively.]
This is a big deal, you guys.
Huh.
He is a card-carrying member of Actors' Equity.
Ladies and gentle-actors, I am so honored to introduce you to the one, the only, the incomparable Monsieur Claude Dumet.
[all gasping and applauding.]
- [all shushing.]
- [applause quiets.]
[grunts.]
[Claude.]
Son of a bitch! [Susie.]
Are you okay? What? [all gasping.]
[laughs.]
Genius.
[all clapping.]
[sighs.]
The name is Claude Dumet.
And that may have seemed like just light entertainment, but in the business we call show, that is what's known as mask work.
[girl 1.]
Oh, my God, that was so amazing! [girl 2.]
That was awesome.
[Victor.]
Next! [Neil.]
Oshy Oceanman, Bunk Two.
Hey, Neil, let's make a bet.
First one to get laid wins.
You're joking, right? - What do you mean? - I mean, you've already You've already made love, like, 10,000 times, right? 'Course I have, Neil.
Hey, Tony Balogna, Bunk Seven.
Okay.
Okay? I'm a fuck machine.
What are you looking at? Listen, Neil, it'd be too clunky if I said, "A bet to see who got laid for the millionth time, me, and/or who loses their virginity for the first time, you.
" [chuckling.]
Okay? I'm just trying to be economical with my word choice, man.
You want to make a bet or not? - Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm in.
I'm in.
- Nine.
Shari's coming tonight, so I mean, I think I have a shot.
Oh, Bunk Three.
It's a good one.
Toilets work.
Who loses their virginity first, or gets laid for the millionth time.
[chuckling.]
Okay.
[Drew.]
Are you ready? Let's do this! [Kyle.]
Let's do this! Drumroll, please.
Ready? Here we go.
[boys cheering.]
- Nice! - High five! [Kyle.]
Yes, man! - New kid, wanna give it a shot? - Oh, uh [mumbling.]
I don't know.
What? Speak up, Mumble Princess.
You sound like you were in a car accident.
I don't know how to play.
You don't Only dicksqueezes don't know how to play! [Rafi.]
He called you dicksqueeze.
You see this little fuzzy thing? You pick it up and you throw it.
Got it? What's the objective? The objective is to shut your pie-hole and do it, penis face, okay? [Kyle laughing.]
Penis face.
[boys laughing.]
You throw like a girl snake.
Which is a double suck, because it's a girl and it doesn't have arms! And it smells with its tongue.
Shut up, Kyle! You're a pussy, Appleblatt.
You gonna cry? I think he's gonna cry.
- He's gonna cry! - Where's your diaper, you little asshole? - I fucking hate you! - Yeah! Run, loser! - Run! - Pussy! - Loser! Run! - Piece of shnit! What's wrong with Kevin? He ran in the woods 'cause he's a piece of shnit.
- Drew! - What? - Why do you have to - Because I want to! [yelling.]
What? I like doing stuff like that! Kevin.
Kevin.
Come on.
Come on, man.
Jesus.
Kevin! Kevin.
Stop running, Kevin! Kevin.
[exclaims.]
Kevin, stop! Just stop! What are you running from? I don't want to be here! So that's what this is about.
Let me tell you a little story, Kevin.
Eight years ago today was my first summer here at camp.
And guess what? You also had a bully in your bunk? Exactly.
And guess what? You had to beat him in a fight to earn his respect? Exactly.
So you know what I did? You challenged him to a fight? Exactly.
But not just any fight.
- A burp fight? - Exactly.
So, can I give you a piece of advice? I should challenge Drew to a burp fight and if I win he'll respect me? Exactly.
Now, go on! Go! Go! Go on, boy.
Well, if ever there was a camp radio station, this was it.
It's a little threadbare, but it'll do.
Obviously, I'll handle the morning show myself.
We'll walk that fine line between cutting-edge irreverence and trouble with the Federal Communications Commission.
Yeah, I'm not particularly worried about the FCC.
All right.
Lunch is at noon.
Don't get electrocuted.
Arty Solomon here, alias the Beekeeper.
[counselor 1.]
Hey, Donna! [counselor 2.]
Hi, Donna! Oh, my God.
Donna! You made it! Yeah.
- God, you're here.
- Yeah.
I was, you know, worrying that maybe you weren't gonna make it.
- Yeah, no, I made it.
- It's so great.
To just, like, see you, and you know, like, face to face.
And hear you, you know, like, smell your smell.
Oh, you're so sweet.
I notice your hair looks different.
- It's it's wavy.
- Oh, I know, um I was just, like, you know, why try to fight it? Right? But I like it.
I mean, it's really pretty.
- Oh, okay, cool.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles.]
It's like, blah.
- Yeah.
- Your hair could look good, too.
- Could? Yeah, you know, if you if you just kinda - Yeah, that looks rad.
- Yeah? Oh, cool.
- Oh, and this would look good, too.
- Oh, okay.
- It's a puka shell necklace.
- Yeah? - Do you like it? - Yeah, I mean, I'd want to would want to look at it in the mirror, but I think so.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It looks really bangin' on your chest.
- Oh, awesome.
You're bangin', too.
Just like, in general.
Aw.
Listen, um, Donna there's something I've been meaning to tell you Oh, Coop, you know what? It's just all so much.
And, could you hold that thought? I just need time to decompress.
Yeah, sure.
I'll hold it.
I'll hug it.
[stuttering.]
And kiss it.
It's just so good to, like, see you again, you know? After all this time Oh.
Ew.
So - All right, well.
- Yeah.
Anyway.
- All right, I'll see you.
- Good to see you.
You're my girlfriend.
[girl 1.]
Hey, Donna! [girl 2.]
Donna's here! - We thought you weren't coming.
- We miss you.
[boys laughing.]
- Oh, dude.
- You suck! - Hey, Drew! - Yeah? I challenge you to a burp contest.
You realize I'm the fuckin' burp king of Westchester? Pick your soda.
- Rafi, call it out.
- Burpsmen, prepare your weapons.
Three rounds.
[belching loudly.]
[all cheering.]
[boy 1.]
That's right! [boy 2.]
Bitchin'! Appleblatt, burp when ready.
- [burping softly.]
- [all laughing.]
A big win for Drew that round.
Round two.
- [belching loudly.]
- [boy 1.]
I can smell it.
- Appleblatt? - [boy 2.]
He's gonna win big time.
- [burping softly.]
- [crowd groaning.]
- [Rafi.]
Final round.
- [boy.]
He could do better.
[belching loudly.]
[all cheering.]
[Rafi.]
Last chance, Kevin.
Whatcha got? [girl.]
Come on, Kevin! [boy 1.]
You stink.
[boy 2.]
Give up now.
- [burps softly.]
- [Drew laughs.]
You're a glutton for punishment, Appledick.
[boy.]
Yeah! I gotta hand it to you.
You're pretty brave to stand up to Drew like that.
Thanks.
Sleep with your eyes open, 'cause I'm coming for you! I'm the burp king of Westchester.
Yeah, this side's good.
[Andy.]
Hey, check out this smooth move.
Hey, Katie.
Can you do this? [Blake.]
How crass.
That guttersnipe is doing push-ups in front of Katie.
How does he keep his body so horizontal when he's doing the push-up? [scoffs.]
It's very easy.
Any novice crewsman can do it.
[grunts.]
Clench the butt, keep the gut pulled in.
Perpendicularity is your friend.
[grunting.]
I could muster a few of these myself.
Get off the deck, you halfwits, before I put you there permanently! Of course, Blake.
Oh.
Hey, heard you went the distance with Drew at the burp contest.
Yeah.
I lost pretty bad, but I'm glad I stood up for myself.
So, you think you're gonna stick around a little bit longer? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Why does your hair look like that? Oh, it's something my girlfriend did.
I think it's kind of weird, but she likes it.
You know how it is.
Woman's gotta have it.
Don't get carried away, Coop.
I think I know what I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing.
But, uh you're funny.
All right.
[sighs.]
[Mitch.]
No, no.
You listen to me.
We need more money! Well, something has to change! Do you know how much it costs to run this camp? [stammers.]
No, no, no, sir.
It's okay, no.
I I wasn't threatening you.
I was just trying to explain that Don't No, no, no, don't hang up! Don't hang up, please Hello? Hello? Argh! God damn it! [pottery shattering.]
Hey! Greg.
I didn't see you there.
- Mitch, hi.
- What's up? I was just eavesdropping.
What's going on? Everything all right? Oh, yeah, I was just having a snack.
You know? And I was on the phone, uh, with the, um [stammers.]
the volleyball salesman.
You know, it's volleyball season, and, uh I was trying to order the nets and the balls and he's jacking up the prices, 'cause, like I said, it's volleyball season, so that's the time when they can do that, and, uh that's why I was a little bit angry and I threw the lamp and then you came in.
So it was all mainly about the volleyball nets.
How you doing? - I'm good.
- Good.
- I'm great.
- Good.
- If there's anything I can do - You know what you can do, my man? Go out there and make this the best summer ever.
Right? Camp Firewood's an idea, and all that I said.
Right? All the stuff.
- All right, Mitch.
- Good, good, good.
Go have fun.
- All right.
- [chuckling.]
Okay, good to see you.
- All right.
- I'm going to eat some more.
- Okay.
- Yup.
[inaudible.]
[sobbing.]
Oh, God.
What have I done? [man 1.]
That's the last barrel.
[man 2.]
Now let's get out of here.
[music playing.]