Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Lunch
1 Guys, guys, guys! It's the beginning of summer.
What are we gonna do to shake things up? I need stories! Let's do a piece on this Grandmaster Flash guy.
What is he like? What makes him tick? He's a DJ, who cares? What else? - Come on, Alan! - DJ? Think you need to broaden your horizons.
There's a whole movement happening up in the South Bronx.
- Right, Dave? - I mean, come on.
Get on a train and go uptown.
- Find out what's really going on.
- Yeah, take a peek.
I got something.
You got a little, uh barbecue sauce on your face.
Lindsay, your hands are full with the radio payola piece.
Just stick with that.
Yeah, stick to your payola piece.
Going out, trying to pitch another piece.
I know, I know, Alan.
It's just, um Humor me for a second.
- Uh-oh.
Here we go, we gotta humor her.
- Should be good.
Get ready.
There's this summer camp that I heard about up in Maine.
A summer camp? Is this a joke? What is this, a joke? A summer camp in Maine? Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on! Come on! It's a funny joke, but if it's not a joke, I mean, come on Hey, hey, hey, hold on.
Hold on, guys.
Let's see where she's going with this I'm thinking I go up there undercover.
Get the real story, right? What the teenagers are doing when the parents aren't around.
I know I'm 24 years old, but I could pass for a teenager, you know, with the right clothes.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah, I don't buy it.
- I doubt it.
The right clothes? They don't make those kind of clothes.
God damn it! I can pull this off! I have a degree from the Columbia School of Journalism.
There it is.
Dave, you owe me 20 bucks.
- You owe me 20 bucks.
- Right, we'll call it even, Dave.
We're gonna call it even on the bet.
Degree or no degree, Lindsay, what makes you think you can pass for 16 years old? What makes her think she could pass for a 16-year-old? Oh! - Whoa.
- I'll be damned.
She really does look like she's 16.
I stand corrected, Linds.
I think we all underestimated you.
- You made a mistake.
- Yeah.
So what do you say, Alan? You gotta understand.
It's it's just not our normal beat.
- Yeah, we don't do that.
- It's not our beat.
- It's rock and roll.
- Guys! Guys! This is Rock & Roll World magazine! Are we just gonna cover rock and roll? Or are we gonna cover the world? - Yeah.
- She's got a point.
We gotta cover the world.
That's in the title.
Rock & Roll World.
Five thousand words on summer camp.
Make it count.
All right, I'll call TWA.
We're half past the top of the morning here on the first day of Camp Firewood.
Today's the day you let everybody know just who you are.
-Are you a jock? An artist? Yeah! Maybe you're a cool kid.
A loner? Who you sit next to at lunch today could set the stage for the rest of your summer.
And do yourself a favor, folks.
Don't get caught picking your nose, or you're gonna be known as the Booger Kid, and we got eight weeks to go.
Now, my schedule spies tell me that the activity orientation stations are up and running right about now, so check 'em out.
Ow, my balls! God! Let us know what's hot and what is not.
As always, you got the Beekeeper spinning only the platters that matter.
Now, I really shouldn't do this, 'cause it'll piss off the bean counters, but what the hell! Let's do ten songs in a row, commercial-free, right here on WCFW in the Beehive! I had no idea how I was gonna convince a bunch of teens that I was just like them and not a 24-year-old with a lifetime of sexual and career experience.
Little did I know, this summer camp in the woods of Maine would change the trajectory of my entire life.
Can't beat me.
You can't beat me.
Hey, guys.
Let's do this, okay? We're gonna build a story one word at a time.
It's really fun.
I'll go first.
- Once - Upon A Fart.
- As always, very original, Drew.
- I know.
- Let's try again.
- Okay.
- Once - Upon A Titty! Come on, guys.
This could be very rewarding if you actually made an effort.
- I don't think so.
- No.
Do you have a boyfriend, Katie? Yes, his name is Blake McCarthy, and our parents vacation together in Nantucket.
Is he cute? Uh, yeah, he's a total fox.
Like a younger Larry Wilcox.
Ooh.
What about you guys? Do any of you have boyfriends? Well, what about over there? You think any of them are cute? Ew, gross.
Boys are disgusting! They make me barf.
Well, I'm sure you feel that way now, but I bet you that's gonna change.
Amy keeps staring at brown shirt over there.
I don't know.
He seems nice.
Kevin, why don't you Why don't you try this time? - Go ahead, Kev-Kev.
- Kevin? Hey, Coop, I gotta take a whiz.
Thanks, man! Screw you, Kevin, okay? Buh-bye.
What's up, buddy? You seem distracted.
That girl over there.
I think I like her.
- Maybe you should go talk to her.
- But what would I say? Look, last year I was terrified to talk to this girl, Donna, but then on the very last day of camp, I did talk to her, and now she's my girlfriend.
So, anyone can do it Hey! A cool thing is happening over here! Everyone run toward it! - Should we go? - Yeah, let's go.
All right.
Oh, that's my girlfriend, Donna! Hey, Donna! Wow.
Who is this guy? That's Yaron.
He's the new Soccer Counselor.
He's from Israel.
- Ya-what? - Yaron.
- What? - Yaron.
- Ya-reun? - Ya-ron.
Ha! Whoo! Ha! Wow.
I'm so happy to meet all of you.
In Israel we have a saying It means, "Will you dance with me?" And that is how I feel about all of you.
Men, women, counselors, campers I want you all to dance with me.
So, bevakasha, uh Yaron, where do you live in Israel? I live on a beach south of Haifa, Hof HaBonim.
Oh, I've been there.
I've seen the guys all playing matkot.
Matkot! You know this? When were you in Israel? This past winter I was there.
I just yeah.
Hey, popsicles! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Oh, my gosh.
Can I have one of those? I've just been, like, dying for a cigarette.
Of course.
You guys, you can't smoke at camp.
You're cute.
Mmm.
I really miss these.
They're not as strong in the States.
Well, I brought many, so anytime.
Be careful what you offer.
I'm Gerald Cooperberg.
I'm Donna's boyfriend.
Well now, for me, it's time for I have to play for teaching soccer for kids.
Oh, for soccer.
And so, see you soon.
Yeah, saba ba.
Donna, I can't believe you smoke now.
You should try it.
You might like it, Coop.
Oh, I don't know.
I - Come on! - Okay.
You look sexy with a cigarette.
- Really? - Yeah.
Do you wanna, like, go have lunch or whatever? I'm probably gonna skip lunch.
Just 'cause I'm not really into the ersatz food thing.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Ersatz stuff in general is pretty dubious, is kinda my take on that.
Maybe we could then go back to my bunk and just, like, do whatever Uh, Coop, I don't know if I can, just 'cause I have to unpack and take things out of bags and stuff.
- I'm kind of slammed right now.
- Yeah.
Um, but I'll see you later.
Sure, yeah.
You want to make a scheduled time for that, or Bye.
Bye.
On top of old smokey All covered with cheese Okay, all the campers are accounted for.
You want me to cross-check against the yellow list? Yes, just don't ask me.
Do whatever.
Hey, whoa, are you okay? Yes, I'm okay.
Nothing is wrong, all right? I just don't need you giving me the third degree about my mental state! I'll fix it.
Pass it over here.
I can look at it.
But be careful.
It's my favorite cassette.
I'll bet you he can fix it.
- Oh, man - Shit.
Who is that? I don't know, but God dang it, she's smoking! - Hi, I'm Lindsay.
- Hi.
- Hi, Lindsay.
- Hi, Lindsay.
- Hey.
- So, I'm a new counselor here.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
So where are you from, Lindsay? Where am I from? Where am I from? I'm from, I'm from, I'm from, I'm from Manhattan ville.
Manhattanville.
- Cool.
- Where is that? It's in Ohio.
- Hmm.
- All right.
Oh, which part? The center up state, down.
- The downtown.
- Oh, okay.
Cool.
Can I sit down? - No, no, no, sit right there.
- Join us.
We were just listening to some music and Yeah, some top hits.
You know what works great for that? Butter knife.
That's how I fix it in the office.
What office? The officer Officer Jones.
Oh.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider Girls go to Mars to be superstars Boys go to Uranus to get more heinous Girls go to Venus to get away from penis Boys go to Neptune to get more Oh, no! I gotta go! What's wrong with her? Hmm Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
Honey? Sweetie, are you okay? Uh, I think so.
I have a feeling I know what's going on.
You need one of these? Oh, uh Thanks.
Uh Where do I put it? Oh Just up in the Where the - Where it's coming from? - Thanks.
It's not so bad, is it? I feel different.
I feel Weird.
Well, it takes some getting used to.
Abby Bernstein, I do believe you've just become a woman.
Are you sure you can't tell? Your secret is safe with us.
Electric nights Electric days Electric eyes - Electric ways - Bravissimo.
People, that is how it's done.
Becky, Danny, I hope you were paying attention.
You guys are our leads.
We need to feel the love between you.
It's called acting.
Yes, Ben, but it's a little more complicated than that.
We never want to know you're acting.
You have to be it so we don't see it.
You have to live it or we won't forgive it.
You have to inhabit it or leave it in the cabinet.
Hiya.
Sorry I'm late.
Guy jumped in front of the F Train.
Everyone, this is my assistant Rhonda.
She's come up from the city to help us out tonight.
She's going to teach you the new choreography.
All right.
This one's with a hitch-kick, right into a ball change.
Don't let your ball change look like a box step and your grapevine needs to travel! - Huh? Ya got that? - She's sassy.
From the top, guys.
I want pizazz.
I want oomph, I want hips, hips, hips.
Energy! Okay? From one.
No marking.
Five, six, seven, eight! Electric nights Stop! Stop! Stop moving! Claude, according to Actors' Equity rules, we need to break for lunch.
Oh, wow.
I think we really need to keep working.
Curtain's in six hours.
We haven't even rehearsed the "Death Row Boogie" number.
Ben, Equity rules are Equity rules for a reason.
Susie's right, Ben.
Just because you're an amateur doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Ladies and gents, that's lunch! One hour.
It's a walk away.
And I mean one hour.
No dillying, no dallying.
Susie, I am impressed with your knowledge of the professional theater regulations.
Very impressed.
All right, reach down and stretch.
Touch your toes.
That's it.
Feel the burn.
And, uh do that thing.
The arm thing.
Leave it.
You know what? It's fine.
You're fine.
Get in the lake.
Cannonball! - Hey, Andy? - Hey, man.
I can't be your buddy.
Go ask one of the inhaler kids if you can't find anyone.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Go in the lake.
It's number two.
So? - Commode's right over there.
- Keep the life jacket on.
The life jackets stay on.
Susie.
- Thanks a lot.
- What? What did I do? You just totally embarrassed me back there in front of Claude Dumet.
I'm, like, totally dying inside right now.
Okay, methinks you're being a wee bit dramatic.
Oh, great.
Just shrug it off like you always do.
Like I always do? What does that mean? Oh, now who's being dramatic? Ben, I don't want to fight with you, okay? We are a very important couple at Camp Firewood and couples don't fight.
Yes, they do.
My parents fought all the time until my father killed himself.
- What is happening to us? - I don't know.
Look, I have an idea.
Let's just have angry sex right now, okay? Just treat me like a hussy! Just throw me on this picnic table and let's have passionate make-up sex right now.
Let's do it.
Yeah, but Susie, we haven't even had regular sex yet.
Are you not attracted to me? Do you not think I'm beautiful? Is that it? Oh child.
You're as beautiful as an English rose at sunrise.
I just want our first time to be perfect, that's all.
With a waxing orange crescent harvest moon.
Can you picture it? It's hangin' so low, it's almost like a dew drop.
I think I can lasso it.
I guess I want that, too.
Electric nights Electric days Electric eyes, electric ways - We should probably get some lunch.
- Really? Equity rules.
You're right.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Ugh! Oh, God.
Ready? The funny thing about new people and new surroundings? You're always on the outside looking in.
But if you show them something they've never seen before? They won't just open the door.
They'll make you stay for dinner.
Lindsay, you are so cool.
- It's really easy.
I'll teach you.
- Yes.
Lindsay, I have this really rare baseball card.
It's a mint condition Sandy Koufax.
Do you want to see it? Oh.
- Do you want to have it? - Thanks, J.
J.
I was in.
I was one of them.
I had my access, now all I needed was my angle.
Hey, what's in that cabin over there? What? Did I say something wrong? No, it's just, we don't talk about what's in the cabin.
You know, um, I actually think lunch is getting started, so - We gotta go.
- But guys, what's in the cabin? I wish I could tell you about what's in the cabin, Lindsay, but I I can't tell you about what's in the cabin.
Cuckoo clock says noon.
Heading towards the mid-day meal.
Parental units joining us to break bread before heading back to the homestead.
Tearful goodbyes and new beginnings.
I guess you could say it's Mixed emotions around here right now.
With apologies to Steve Tyler and the boys for my slightly effed-up take on their "Sweet Emotion" tune.
Y'all know I love me some Smith and we're just having fun.
Hi, I was just looking for the chef.
Um, let me check.
- Gail? - Jonas! Sugarbutt, what are you doing here? I know you're busy with lunch, but I just wanted to give you this little pre-wedding gift.
Oh, you shouldn't have! Boy, I'm marrying the most thoughtful, beautiful-est girl in the world.
Open it! Aw, it's an apron with writing.
Look what it says.
"I love you from my head.
Tomatoes.
" No, silly.
It's "I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
" Get it? - To my toes.
- I love tomatoes.
I slice them every day! Thank you, Gail.
But no, do you get the joke? 'Cause it's to To my toes.
But it's tomatoes, since you're a cook.
Like I said, I use tomatoes all the time in my cooking.
- But the - Hey, everybody! I have a very important announcement to make! This stunning woman by my side is Gail.
She is your new Arts and Crafts Counselor.
But more to the point, she's my wife-to-be.
Gail and I met at a singles disco mixer at the Portsmouth Marriott.
And when I saw this little lady's electric slide, well I was a goner.
Do it, honey.
Oh! Whoo! I just want to say that I am so pumped to be part of the Camp Firewood family this year.
I finally get to put my arts degree from RISD to good use.
And most of all, I'm really excited to become Mrs.
Jonas Jurgensen.
In fact, we're getting married right here at camp today! Hey, Gail, I hope you can cook, because your husband's food tastes like if a skunk crawled into another skunk's ass and took a shit in it, and then both skunks died.
Joke! All right, everybody! Back to lunch.
Does Mitch seem tense to you today? You know, it's really weird, Beth.
I walked past his office and he was having a heated argument on the phone with someone.
I've never seen him like that.
Well, you know, on the first day, he can be a little upset because the parents are so annoying.
I don't know, he seemed so on edge on that phone call.
Well, I'd be on edge, too, if the Boys' Head Counselor was eavesdropping on me.
Well, I'd be on edge if I was getting some from the Girls' Head Counselor every night.
"Oh, Mitch, I'm so horny! Boink me! Who cares about the camp? Greg'll handle things!" How dare you! Mitchell and I are in an adult committed relationship.
I realize that's a very foreign concept to you.
- Please.
Spare me the graphic details.
- You spare me.
What? What are they doing? What is it? Just as I suspected.
Toxic waste.
Oh, my God! And given the consistency of the sludge, I'd say it's been seeping into the water table for weeks.
Jesus! Given its proximity to the lakefront, I'd say we've got less than 24 hours to restore the ecology, or every living thing within five miles of here could die.
All right, we've got to go back to camp, find Mitch, tell him what we saw in the woods and get his take on the situation.
Let's go! Hey! You're brave.
You went for the mystery meat.
Yeah.
I love solving mysteries.
Especially lunch-related ones.
- I'm Amy.
- I'm Kevin.
Where are you from? I'm from Short Hills.
Oh.
See you later.
I saw you talking to brown shirt over there.
Yeah.
His name's Kevin.
Let's play seven minutes in heaven tonight.
- I kind of want to be felt up by Kyle.
- What are you talking about? An hour ago, you were saying how gross boys are.
Mmm, that's before I laid my eyes on Kyle's sweet little tush.
You're so weird, Abby.
Hey, Kevin! Look what we found in the woods! A pair of swim trunks covered in shit.
Ew.
- Any idea who these belong to? - No.
That's weird, because the name tag says "Kevin Appleblatt" on it! - Ew! - Yeah, you pants-shitting liar! - It wasn't me! I swear.
- Oh, really, Kevin? Can you explain to everyone here how your bathing suit ended up in the woods with shit all over it if you didn't do it? - Someone must have stolen it.
- Who? Hmm.
I don't know, but someone obviously stole it and took a shit in it.
That is the only logical explanation.
So you're saying someone came into your bunk, stole your bathing suit, took a dookie in it, - and hid it in the woods? - Yes.
What kind of psycho would do that? I would! Who the hell are you? I'm Ms.
Patti Pancakes - Huh? Who is that? - And I like to defecate in other people's clothing.
It's my thing and I'm not ashamed of it.
- If you're not ashamed, why'd you hide it? - Because Because it's a game! Yeah.
And that's not the only treasure.
I've taken shits in many of your bathing suits, and it's your boys' jobs to find out which ones they are.
- Isn't that fun? - It's disgusting.
Well, when you're my age, you'll look back on this and it will all make sense.
Until then, happy hunting! So strange.
I was wrong about this one, okay? It was Ms.
Patti Pancakes who took a shit in your bathing suit.
I still got my eye on you.
Yeah, you take it strong, and you pull Do I pull it back, or Yeah, take, okay? So, all right.
Now And then you pull it back Okay.
Okay.
Donna! - Donna! What's going on? - Very good.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, goodbye, Donna.
- Okay.
- Miss.
- Uh, thank you.
- Oh, my God, uh - "Oh, my God"? Yeah, "Oh, my God" is right, Donna! What's going on here? You act all happy to see me, you messed up my hair, you make me smoke cigarettes, and then when I say, "You wanna hang out?" you say you can't because you have to unpack your bags, but then I find you with this Yaron guy? I don't see you unpacking any bags, Donna.
Where are your bags? Why are you a woman, Coop? Oh, why am I a woman? Oh, like, like just because I want to talk about us, - that makes me a woman.
- Wow.
You know, men have feelings, too, Donna, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.
- Coop, you - Donna, don't back away from me! We have to talk! You're always avoiding conversation! - Coop, you smell terrible.
- Yeah, well, I feel terrible, Donna! - You smell like shit! - I feel like shit.
- Okay, I can't breathe, so - Well, me neither! I am suffocating in this relationship.
It's like, it's like I was expecting this summer to be the best summer of our lives, okay? With great memories.
But I don't even know who you are anymore, Donna.
- I don't know who you are.
- Ugh.
Go unpack your bags, Donna Berman! But this is one bag you ain't ever gonna unpack.
Ugh.
Coop! Coop, wait! We came to find you as soon as we discovered it.
We figured you'd know what to do.
I'm not a bad man.
Baby, we have to tell the authorities.
This toxic waste could kill us all.
I'm not a bad man.
Wait a second, the phone call Does this have anything to do with the phone call to the volleyball salesman? There was no volleyball salesman, Greg.
Mitch? They came to me.
Xenstar.
I'm up to my eyeballs in debt.
They gave me an offer I couldn't refuse.
"Let us use your woods," they said, "and we'll keep the camp afloat.
" So you knew about this? - Yeah, I just told you I set it all up.
- But why? Because you asked.
You were like, "Mitch, what happened?" And I - Why'd you sell out the camp? - Don't look at me like that, Greg.
You'd have done exactly the same thing if you were in my shoes.
No, Mitch, we wouldn't have.
The bank was foreclosing on us! Xenstar was the only option, guys, okay? I had to save the camp! Mitch, I think you need to turn yourself in.
But I'm not a bad man! Just apologize and Apologize for what, Beth? Apologize for caring so much that I would do whatever it takes to get the campers what they need? Their blankets.
Their canoes! Their volleyball nets! The volleyballs! Right? They need both.
They need the nets and Whoa! - Mitch! No, Mitch! No! No! - Mitch! Mitchell! - Oh, my God, Mitch! - Mitch!
What are we gonna do to shake things up? I need stories! Let's do a piece on this Grandmaster Flash guy.
What is he like? What makes him tick? He's a DJ, who cares? What else? - Come on, Alan! - DJ? Think you need to broaden your horizons.
There's a whole movement happening up in the South Bronx.
- Right, Dave? - I mean, come on.
Get on a train and go uptown.
- Find out what's really going on.
- Yeah, take a peek.
I got something.
You got a little, uh barbecue sauce on your face.
Lindsay, your hands are full with the radio payola piece.
Just stick with that.
Yeah, stick to your payola piece.
Going out, trying to pitch another piece.
I know, I know, Alan.
It's just, um Humor me for a second.
- Uh-oh.
Here we go, we gotta humor her.
- Should be good.
Get ready.
There's this summer camp that I heard about up in Maine.
A summer camp? Is this a joke? What is this, a joke? A summer camp in Maine? Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on! Come on! It's a funny joke, but if it's not a joke, I mean, come on Hey, hey, hey, hold on.
Hold on, guys.
Let's see where she's going with this I'm thinking I go up there undercover.
Get the real story, right? What the teenagers are doing when the parents aren't around.
I know I'm 24 years old, but I could pass for a teenager, you know, with the right clothes.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah, I don't buy it.
- I doubt it.
The right clothes? They don't make those kind of clothes.
God damn it! I can pull this off! I have a degree from the Columbia School of Journalism.
There it is.
Dave, you owe me 20 bucks.
- You owe me 20 bucks.
- Right, we'll call it even, Dave.
We're gonna call it even on the bet.
Degree or no degree, Lindsay, what makes you think you can pass for 16 years old? What makes her think she could pass for a 16-year-old? Oh! - Whoa.
- I'll be damned.
She really does look like she's 16.
I stand corrected, Linds.
I think we all underestimated you.
- You made a mistake.
- Yeah.
So what do you say, Alan? You gotta understand.
It's it's just not our normal beat.
- Yeah, we don't do that.
- It's not our beat.
- It's rock and roll.
- Guys! Guys! This is Rock & Roll World magazine! Are we just gonna cover rock and roll? Or are we gonna cover the world? - Yeah.
- She's got a point.
We gotta cover the world.
That's in the title.
Rock & Roll World.
Five thousand words on summer camp.
Make it count.
All right, I'll call TWA.
We're half past the top of the morning here on the first day of Camp Firewood.
Today's the day you let everybody know just who you are.
-Are you a jock? An artist? Yeah! Maybe you're a cool kid.
A loner? Who you sit next to at lunch today could set the stage for the rest of your summer.
And do yourself a favor, folks.
Don't get caught picking your nose, or you're gonna be known as the Booger Kid, and we got eight weeks to go.
Now, my schedule spies tell me that the activity orientation stations are up and running right about now, so check 'em out.
Ow, my balls! God! Let us know what's hot and what is not.
As always, you got the Beekeeper spinning only the platters that matter.
Now, I really shouldn't do this, 'cause it'll piss off the bean counters, but what the hell! Let's do ten songs in a row, commercial-free, right here on WCFW in the Beehive! I had no idea how I was gonna convince a bunch of teens that I was just like them and not a 24-year-old with a lifetime of sexual and career experience.
Little did I know, this summer camp in the woods of Maine would change the trajectory of my entire life.
Can't beat me.
You can't beat me.
Hey, guys.
Let's do this, okay? We're gonna build a story one word at a time.
It's really fun.
I'll go first.
- Once - Upon A Fart.
- As always, very original, Drew.
- I know.
- Let's try again.
- Okay.
- Once - Upon A Titty! Come on, guys.
This could be very rewarding if you actually made an effort.
- I don't think so.
- No.
Do you have a boyfriend, Katie? Yes, his name is Blake McCarthy, and our parents vacation together in Nantucket.
Is he cute? Uh, yeah, he's a total fox.
Like a younger Larry Wilcox.
Ooh.
What about you guys? Do any of you have boyfriends? Well, what about over there? You think any of them are cute? Ew, gross.
Boys are disgusting! They make me barf.
Well, I'm sure you feel that way now, but I bet you that's gonna change.
Amy keeps staring at brown shirt over there.
I don't know.
He seems nice.
Kevin, why don't you Why don't you try this time? - Go ahead, Kev-Kev.
- Kevin? Hey, Coop, I gotta take a whiz.
Thanks, man! Screw you, Kevin, okay? Buh-bye.
What's up, buddy? You seem distracted.
That girl over there.
I think I like her.
- Maybe you should go talk to her.
- But what would I say? Look, last year I was terrified to talk to this girl, Donna, but then on the very last day of camp, I did talk to her, and now she's my girlfriend.
So, anyone can do it Hey! A cool thing is happening over here! Everyone run toward it! - Should we go? - Yeah, let's go.
All right.
Oh, that's my girlfriend, Donna! Hey, Donna! Wow.
Who is this guy? That's Yaron.
He's the new Soccer Counselor.
He's from Israel.
- Ya-what? - Yaron.
- What? - Yaron.
- Ya-reun? - Ya-ron.
Ha! Whoo! Ha! Wow.
I'm so happy to meet all of you.
In Israel we have a saying It means, "Will you dance with me?" And that is how I feel about all of you.
Men, women, counselors, campers I want you all to dance with me.
So, bevakasha, uh Yaron, where do you live in Israel? I live on a beach south of Haifa, Hof HaBonim.
Oh, I've been there.
I've seen the guys all playing matkot.
Matkot! You know this? When were you in Israel? This past winter I was there.
I just yeah.
Hey, popsicles! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Oh, my gosh.
Can I have one of those? I've just been, like, dying for a cigarette.
Of course.
You guys, you can't smoke at camp.
You're cute.
Mmm.
I really miss these.
They're not as strong in the States.
Well, I brought many, so anytime.
Be careful what you offer.
I'm Gerald Cooperberg.
I'm Donna's boyfriend.
Well now, for me, it's time for I have to play for teaching soccer for kids.
Oh, for soccer.
And so, see you soon.
Yeah, saba ba.
Donna, I can't believe you smoke now.
You should try it.
You might like it, Coop.
Oh, I don't know.
I - Come on! - Okay.
You look sexy with a cigarette.
- Really? - Yeah.
Do you wanna, like, go have lunch or whatever? I'm probably gonna skip lunch.
Just 'cause I'm not really into the ersatz food thing.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Ersatz stuff in general is pretty dubious, is kinda my take on that.
Maybe we could then go back to my bunk and just, like, do whatever Uh, Coop, I don't know if I can, just 'cause I have to unpack and take things out of bags and stuff.
- I'm kind of slammed right now.
- Yeah.
Um, but I'll see you later.
Sure, yeah.
You want to make a scheduled time for that, or Bye.
Bye.
On top of old smokey All covered with cheese Okay, all the campers are accounted for.
You want me to cross-check against the yellow list? Yes, just don't ask me.
Do whatever.
Hey, whoa, are you okay? Yes, I'm okay.
Nothing is wrong, all right? I just don't need you giving me the third degree about my mental state! I'll fix it.
Pass it over here.
I can look at it.
But be careful.
It's my favorite cassette.
I'll bet you he can fix it.
- Oh, man - Shit.
Who is that? I don't know, but God dang it, she's smoking! - Hi, I'm Lindsay.
- Hi.
- Hi, Lindsay.
- Hi, Lindsay.
- Hey.
- So, I'm a new counselor here.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
So where are you from, Lindsay? Where am I from? Where am I from? I'm from, I'm from, I'm from, I'm from Manhattan ville.
Manhattanville.
- Cool.
- Where is that? It's in Ohio.
- Hmm.
- All right.
Oh, which part? The center up state, down.
- The downtown.
- Oh, okay.
Cool.
Can I sit down? - No, no, no, sit right there.
- Join us.
We were just listening to some music and Yeah, some top hits.
You know what works great for that? Butter knife.
That's how I fix it in the office.
What office? The officer Officer Jones.
Oh.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider Girls go to Mars to be superstars Boys go to Uranus to get more heinous Girls go to Venus to get away from penis Boys go to Neptune to get more Oh, no! I gotta go! What's wrong with her? Hmm Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
Honey? Sweetie, are you okay? Uh, I think so.
I have a feeling I know what's going on.
You need one of these? Oh, uh Thanks.
Uh Where do I put it? Oh Just up in the Where the - Where it's coming from? - Thanks.
It's not so bad, is it? I feel different.
I feel Weird.
Well, it takes some getting used to.
Abby Bernstein, I do believe you've just become a woman.
Are you sure you can't tell? Your secret is safe with us.
Electric nights Electric days Electric eyes - Electric ways - Bravissimo.
People, that is how it's done.
Becky, Danny, I hope you were paying attention.
You guys are our leads.
We need to feel the love between you.
It's called acting.
Yes, Ben, but it's a little more complicated than that.
We never want to know you're acting.
You have to be it so we don't see it.
You have to live it or we won't forgive it.
You have to inhabit it or leave it in the cabinet.
Hiya.
Sorry I'm late.
Guy jumped in front of the F Train.
Everyone, this is my assistant Rhonda.
She's come up from the city to help us out tonight.
She's going to teach you the new choreography.
All right.
This one's with a hitch-kick, right into a ball change.
Don't let your ball change look like a box step and your grapevine needs to travel! - Huh? Ya got that? - She's sassy.
From the top, guys.
I want pizazz.
I want oomph, I want hips, hips, hips.
Energy! Okay? From one.
No marking.
Five, six, seven, eight! Electric nights Stop! Stop! Stop moving! Claude, according to Actors' Equity rules, we need to break for lunch.
Oh, wow.
I think we really need to keep working.
Curtain's in six hours.
We haven't even rehearsed the "Death Row Boogie" number.
Ben, Equity rules are Equity rules for a reason.
Susie's right, Ben.
Just because you're an amateur doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Ladies and gents, that's lunch! One hour.
It's a walk away.
And I mean one hour.
No dillying, no dallying.
Susie, I am impressed with your knowledge of the professional theater regulations.
Very impressed.
All right, reach down and stretch.
Touch your toes.
That's it.
Feel the burn.
And, uh do that thing.
The arm thing.
Leave it.
You know what? It's fine.
You're fine.
Get in the lake.
Cannonball! - Hey, Andy? - Hey, man.
I can't be your buddy.
Go ask one of the inhaler kids if you can't find anyone.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Go in the lake.
It's number two.
So? - Commode's right over there.
- Keep the life jacket on.
The life jackets stay on.
Susie.
- Thanks a lot.
- What? What did I do? You just totally embarrassed me back there in front of Claude Dumet.
I'm, like, totally dying inside right now.
Okay, methinks you're being a wee bit dramatic.
Oh, great.
Just shrug it off like you always do.
Like I always do? What does that mean? Oh, now who's being dramatic? Ben, I don't want to fight with you, okay? We are a very important couple at Camp Firewood and couples don't fight.
Yes, they do.
My parents fought all the time until my father killed himself.
- What is happening to us? - I don't know.
Look, I have an idea.
Let's just have angry sex right now, okay? Just treat me like a hussy! Just throw me on this picnic table and let's have passionate make-up sex right now.
Let's do it.
Yeah, but Susie, we haven't even had regular sex yet.
Are you not attracted to me? Do you not think I'm beautiful? Is that it? Oh child.
You're as beautiful as an English rose at sunrise.
I just want our first time to be perfect, that's all.
With a waxing orange crescent harvest moon.
Can you picture it? It's hangin' so low, it's almost like a dew drop.
I think I can lasso it.
I guess I want that, too.
Electric nights Electric days Electric eyes, electric ways - We should probably get some lunch.
- Really? Equity rules.
You're right.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Ugh! Oh, God.
Ready? The funny thing about new people and new surroundings? You're always on the outside looking in.
But if you show them something they've never seen before? They won't just open the door.
They'll make you stay for dinner.
Lindsay, you are so cool.
- It's really easy.
I'll teach you.
- Yes.
Lindsay, I have this really rare baseball card.
It's a mint condition Sandy Koufax.
Do you want to see it? Oh.
- Do you want to have it? - Thanks, J.
J.
I was in.
I was one of them.
I had my access, now all I needed was my angle.
Hey, what's in that cabin over there? What? Did I say something wrong? No, it's just, we don't talk about what's in the cabin.
You know, um, I actually think lunch is getting started, so - We gotta go.
- But guys, what's in the cabin? I wish I could tell you about what's in the cabin, Lindsay, but I I can't tell you about what's in the cabin.
Cuckoo clock says noon.
Heading towards the mid-day meal.
Parental units joining us to break bread before heading back to the homestead.
Tearful goodbyes and new beginnings.
I guess you could say it's Mixed emotions around here right now.
With apologies to Steve Tyler and the boys for my slightly effed-up take on their "Sweet Emotion" tune.
Y'all know I love me some Smith and we're just having fun.
Hi, I was just looking for the chef.
Um, let me check.
- Gail? - Jonas! Sugarbutt, what are you doing here? I know you're busy with lunch, but I just wanted to give you this little pre-wedding gift.
Oh, you shouldn't have! Boy, I'm marrying the most thoughtful, beautiful-est girl in the world.
Open it! Aw, it's an apron with writing.
Look what it says.
"I love you from my head.
Tomatoes.
" No, silly.
It's "I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
" Get it? - To my toes.
- I love tomatoes.
I slice them every day! Thank you, Gail.
But no, do you get the joke? 'Cause it's to To my toes.
But it's tomatoes, since you're a cook.
Like I said, I use tomatoes all the time in my cooking.
- But the - Hey, everybody! I have a very important announcement to make! This stunning woman by my side is Gail.
She is your new Arts and Crafts Counselor.
But more to the point, she's my wife-to-be.
Gail and I met at a singles disco mixer at the Portsmouth Marriott.
And when I saw this little lady's electric slide, well I was a goner.
Do it, honey.
Oh! Whoo! I just want to say that I am so pumped to be part of the Camp Firewood family this year.
I finally get to put my arts degree from RISD to good use.
And most of all, I'm really excited to become Mrs.
Jonas Jurgensen.
In fact, we're getting married right here at camp today! Hey, Gail, I hope you can cook, because your husband's food tastes like if a skunk crawled into another skunk's ass and took a shit in it, and then both skunks died.
Joke! All right, everybody! Back to lunch.
Does Mitch seem tense to you today? You know, it's really weird, Beth.
I walked past his office and he was having a heated argument on the phone with someone.
I've never seen him like that.
Well, you know, on the first day, he can be a little upset because the parents are so annoying.
I don't know, he seemed so on edge on that phone call.
Well, I'd be on edge, too, if the Boys' Head Counselor was eavesdropping on me.
Well, I'd be on edge if I was getting some from the Girls' Head Counselor every night.
"Oh, Mitch, I'm so horny! Boink me! Who cares about the camp? Greg'll handle things!" How dare you! Mitchell and I are in an adult committed relationship.
I realize that's a very foreign concept to you.
- Please.
Spare me the graphic details.
- You spare me.
What? What are they doing? What is it? Just as I suspected.
Toxic waste.
Oh, my God! And given the consistency of the sludge, I'd say it's been seeping into the water table for weeks.
Jesus! Given its proximity to the lakefront, I'd say we've got less than 24 hours to restore the ecology, or every living thing within five miles of here could die.
All right, we've got to go back to camp, find Mitch, tell him what we saw in the woods and get his take on the situation.
Let's go! Hey! You're brave.
You went for the mystery meat.
Yeah.
I love solving mysteries.
Especially lunch-related ones.
- I'm Amy.
- I'm Kevin.
Where are you from? I'm from Short Hills.
Oh.
See you later.
I saw you talking to brown shirt over there.
Yeah.
His name's Kevin.
Let's play seven minutes in heaven tonight.
- I kind of want to be felt up by Kyle.
- What are you talking about? An hour ago, you were saying how gross boys are.
Mmm, that's before I laid my eyes on Kyle's sweet little tush.
You're so weird, Abby.
Hey, Kevin! Look what we found in the woods! A pair of swim trunks covered in shit.
Ew.
- Any idea who these belong to? - No.
That's weird, because the name tag says "Kevin Appleblatt" on it! - Ew! - Yeah, you pants-shitting liar! - It wasn't me! I swear.
- Oh, really, Kevin? Can you explain to everyone here how your bathing suit ended up in the woods with shit all over it if you didn't do it? - Someone must have stolen it.
- Who? Hmm.
I don't know, but someone obviously stole it and took a shit in it.
That is the only logical explanation.
So you're saying someone came into your bunk, stole your bathing suit, took a dookie in it, - and hid it in the woods? - Yes.
What kind of psycho would do that? I would! Who the hell are you? I'm Ms.
Patti Pancakes - Huh? Who is that? - And I like to defecate in other people's clothing.
It's my thing and I'm not ashamed of it.
- If you're not ashamed, why'd you hide it? - Because Because it's a game! Yeah.
And that's not the only treasure.
I've taken shits in many of your bathing suits, and it's your boys' jobs to find out which ones they are.
- Isn't that fun? - It's disgusting.
Well, when you're my age, you'll look back on this and it will all make sense.
Until then, happy hunting! So strange.
I was wrong about this one, okay? It was Ms.
Patti Pancakes who took a shit in your bathing suit.
I still got my eye on you.
Yeah, you take it strong, and you pull Do I pull it back, or Yeah, take, okay? So, all right.
Now And then you pull it back Okay.
Okay.
Donna! - Donna! What's going on? - Very good.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, goodbye, Donna.
- Okay.
- Miss.
- Uh, thank you.
- Oh, my God, uh - "Oh, my God"? Yeah, "Oh, my God" is right, Donna! What's going on here? You act all happy to see me, you messed up my hair, you make me smoke cigarettes, and then when I say, "You wanna hang out?" you say you can't because you have to unpack your bags, but then I find you with this Yaron guy? I don't see you unpacking any bags, Donna.
Where are your bags? Why are you a woman, Coop? Oh, why am I a woman? Oh, like, like just because I want to talk about us, - that makes me a woman.
- Wow.
You know, men have feelings, too, Donna, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.
- Coop, you - Donna, don't back away from me! We have to talk! You're always avoiding conversation! - Coop, you smell terrible.
- Yeah, well, I feel terrible, Donna! - You smell like shit! - I feel like shit.
- Okay, I can't breathe, so - Well, me neither! I am suffocating in this relationship.
It's like, it's like I was expecting this summer to be the best summer of our lives, okay? With great memories.
But I don't even know who you are anymore, Donna.
- I don't know who you are.
- Ugh.
Go unpack your bags, Donna Berman! But this is one bag you ain't ever gonna unpack.
Ugh.
Coop! Coop, wait! We came to find you as soon as we discovered it.
We figured you'd know what to do.
I'm not a bad man.
Baby, we have to tell the authorities.
This toxic waste could kill us all.
I'm not a bad man.
Wait a second, the phone call Does this have anything to do with the phone call to the volleyball salesman? There was no volleyball salesman, Greg.
Mitch? They came to me.
Xenstar.
I'm up to my eyeballs in debt.
They gave me an offer I couldn't refuse.
"Let us use your woods," they said, "and we'll keep the camp afloat.
" So you knew about this? - Yeah, I just told you I set it all up.
- But why? Because you asked.
You were like, "Mitch, what happened?" And I - Why'd you sell out the camp? - Don't look at me like that, Greg.
You'd have done exactly the same thing if you were in my shoes.
No, Mitch, we wouldn't have.
The bank was foreclosing on us! Xenstar was the only option, guys, okay? I had to save the camp! Mitch, I think you need to turn yourself in.
But I'm not a bad man! Just apologize and Apologize for what, Beth? Apologize for caring so much that I would do whatever it takes to get the campers what they need? Their blankets.
Their canoes! Their volleyball nets! The volleyballs! Right? They need both.
They need the nets and Whoa! - Mitch! No, Mitch! No! No! - Mitch! Mitchell! - Oh, my God, Mitch! - Mitch!