Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e03 Episode Script
Activities
1 [ominous music playing.]
- [Beth.]
No, Mitch! God! Mitch! - Mitch! Save the camp Save the camp? How? - [wailing.]
Mitch! - Mitch! Follow the money.
But how do we follow the money? Get the code.
Code? What code? What code? No! No, no, no! - Mitch! - [Greg.]
Mitchell! Oh, God.
Mitch! [theme music playing.]
Cruisin' time comin' 'round one to the one-five.
That's 1:15 as the crow flies, or in the case of yours truly, as the Beekeeper buzzes.
[campers.]
Ahh! I've only been at Camp Firewood for a few hours, but it already feels like an old pair of sneakers.
Speakin' of which, Lyme disease is here -and those ticks don't play favorites.
[campers chanting.]
So make sure you keep your jeans long and your laces tied if you're woods-bound.
[all.]
Ew! And congrats, congrats to Jonas and Gail, tying the knot later today at the upper field.
It's early afternoon, sort of the lower midriff of the day, if you will.
And if you won't, then that's okay.
We have to stay calm, okay? Just need to keep it together.
We'll fix this.
[hysterically.]
Fix it? How can we fix it? My lover's just drowned in a pool of green sludge.
- We can't fix it.
- He's gone now.
We can't change that.
But now the camp needs us, okay? And the parents are gonna be asking a lot of questions.
And we have to tell them the truth.
Absolutely not! The truth is the last thing we need to tell them.
When they ask us where Mitch is, what are we gonna say? - He's dead.
[yelps.]
- No.
Beth, look at me.
Focus! - I'm trying.
- Try harder.
Try harder? What is this? The latest ad campaign for Avis Rent A Car? 'Cause that's their ad campaign.
[chuckles and gasps.]
Let's go save Camp Firewood.
[Donna.]
Hey, you.
Can I come in? I guess so.
So I'm really sorry that I lied about unpacking my bags.
But the reason that I lied is because what I really was doing was wrapping a gift for you.
Really? Oh, my God.
Wow, that's such an odd way to wrap a present.
Yeah, it's just It's easier for multiple takes.
It's a shofar.
I bought it for you in Yerushalayim.
Oh, awesome! Like in temple on Rosh Hashanah! [singing in mock Hebrew.]
- [high-pitched squeaking.]
- Oh! [laughs.]
Gonna have to work on that.
Well, you have a few more months till Rosh.
The shofar symbolizes many different things.
Like strength and joy.
Love.
Coop, it feels really good to speak my truth with you.
Yeah.
You have really great arms.
- I do? - Yeah.
You should show them off.
- All right.
- Yeah.
You just push this up like that.
Perfect.
Can I kiss you, Donna? Okay.
[boys.]
Ooh! [boys giggling.]
[Greg.]
Save the camp.
Gotta save the camp.
[Beth.]
Save the camp.
A volleyball - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [man.]
Hey! Where is Mitch? We have been looking for him all morning.
- Where is he? - [Beth stammers.]
- Mitch is very close by right now.
- [woman.]
Okay.
And he's very excited to say hello to all of you.
He promised my daughter she could be in the same bunk with her friends, and instead she's with Justine and Pam! I'll get ahold of him.
Hello, Mitch? [imitating Mitch badly.]
This is Mitch.
I'm somewhere else right now.
See that? He's somewhere else right now.
That walkie-talkie probably has a tape recorder in it, and you tape-recorded Mitch's voice earlier and now you're just playing it.
- Where's Mitch? - Mitch.
Mitch? Um He's right over there in the soccer field, see? - [man.]
Is that Mitch? - [women.]
Oh! [woman.]
I recognize his hat.
That is Mitch.
- [man.]
Hey! Hey, Mitch! - [woman.]
There he is.
[Greg.]
I gotta hand it to you, you just saved our bacon.
But we only have an hour, maybe two, before those parents realize that's not Mitch.
Come on.
[man.]
Mitch, our daughter is allergic to bees.
Who are you making your friendship bracelet for, Katie? Oh, I'm making a boyfriendship bracelet for my boyfriend, Blake, from Camp Tigerclaw.
We've been to second base twice.
So that adds up to fourth.
And he is so good at lacrosse.
I thought I heard my name.
No.
Hey, your bones look all jacked out, Katie.
Let me fix 'em.
[Andy grunts.]
[Blake.]
That no-good, two-timing harlot! Oh, let me see, Blake! [Warner.]
Ugh! - Textbook nymphomaniac! - I knew it! Doesn't he know that caviar and corn dogs don't mix? You don't touch a Tigerclaw man's girl and expect to get away with it.
Let's go smash those Camp Fire Ant fruitcakes into their graves.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
We wait until after the formal tonight.
Until then, you two continue your normal Tigerclaw camp activities.
I've got something that I need to do.
Go! Go, go, go, go! [Andy grunting.]
[grunting continues.]
Thank you, Andy, but you can stop now.
I have a boyfriend, and these are his shoulders, not yours.
You're telling me you don't want to hack yourself off a slice of this long, greasy dick? - I told you I'm with Blake.
- Blake can't blow your life like I can.
You don't even know him.
I know he's got a pair of duck boots jammed in his butthole.
You'll come around, Katie, Duchess of Snobville.
I know you will.
[sighs deeply.]
I know you will.
I know you will.
You will.
The only chance that we have of saving this camp for good is to get Xenstar to stop dumping that waste.
Oh, what are we supposed to do? Call 'em up? "Hello, Xenstar, it's Beth.
Could you please stop dumping waste in our camp? - It's very inconvenient" - I get your point.
You don't have to act out what the phone call would be.
Now, we'll have to be more covert than that.
First, we need proof that they're actually doing it.
How about we hack into their mainframe computer? Oh, fat chance.
A company like that's gonna have security protocols second only to Fort Knox.
I mean, their protocols probably have protocols.
That's a lot of protocols.
We'd never be able to crack that code.
Wait, code? That's what Mitch was saying when he was drowning in the toxic waste.
"Get the code!" - Right! - But from who? Who would have access to top secret computer network codes? Someone with a military background, I'd think.
Military background? Here? I mean, maybe a Boy Scout or two.
Nurse Nancy down at the infirmary is a crossing guard during the school year, but [Greg sighs.]
Actually, there is one person.
[Jonas whistling.]
- [Danny singing.]
Yes, I am dead - [piano playing.]
Yes, I'm a ghost But I've still got the one thing I wanted the most - It's you! - It's you! - [all.]
Feel the spark! - It's you! [all.]
Feel the spark [Claude groans.]
Stop! Stop! If I wanted to watch two people not perform, I would go to the not-theater.
Is this a not-theater, Susie? No, sir.
This is a yes-theater.
Thank you, Susie.
A yes-theater, which means that we say yes to 100% commitment 100% of the time.
You got that, you two? Rhonda, walk them through it again.
- My God.
- [Rhonda.]
All right.
Becky, you're gonna do a three-steps giant leap.
Right? Danny, you've gotta catch her full flight.
None of this Busby-Berkeley- rah-rah-fun-fun stuff, okay? Think Fosse.
Think Balanchine.
Okay? Knock the knees, point the toes, gyrate and lead with the crotch.
Good.
All right, now.
Take it from the pivot.
Just the jump.
- Make it swing! - [piano playing resumes.]
- Ugh! - God damn it! I've seen better leaps from a year! [Jonas singing.]
Cattown lady chingle-chong Oh, the dooda day Needle in the doll Needle in the hay I put my bunny in a five-mile box Oh, the do-la hey! Make yourself scarce, Gary.
We need to talk to JoJo.
Why do I have to leave? Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of Gary.
We have a problem.
[Greg.]
The problem's with Mitch.
[Beth.]
Long story short, he said he made a deal with Xenstar.
We need you to hack into the government's mainframe computer and find proof of it.
Mainframe? Hack? Proof? It? Why do you come to me for help? I'm just a camp chef.
I don't know a mainframe from a picture frame.
See, Beth, I told you.
He's an idiot.
He doesn't know his ass from a doorknob.
Jonas, Mitch told me something in confidence once, I know you were in the military.
- The 'Nam.
- [scoffs.]
No way.
[menacingly.]
I'm quite sure I don't know what you're talking about.
I think you do know.
What the fuck, dude? [Beth.]
We need your help, Jonas.
We need the secret passcode to access the government computer.
[feet scuffling.]
[shouting.]
Who's there? - Where's Mitch? - He's not here.
I want to talk to Mitch! - Mitch is dead! - [Gary.]
What? Mitch is dead? I just saw him like an hour ago.
Well, he died more recently than that.
He fell into a pool of toxic waste in the woods and now he's dead.
[Mitch.]
No, I'm not.
I'm right here.
Mitch? [Mitch.]
Down here.
This is me.
[boys.]
Go! Go! Go! [counselor.]
Wait, just Cut it.
Cut it.
[high-pitched squeaking.]
[sighs.]
It's called a shofar.
It's a religious horn.
My girlfriend, Donna, got it for me from Jerushalayim.
- [counselor.]
Cool.
- Yeah.
[counselor.]
Sounds pretty sweet.
Makes me feel really special to have a girlfriend that gets me.
You know? Like [high-pitched squeaking.]
Hey! Check it out, you guys.
Horns from Israel.
Donna got 'em for us.
Donna gave you those? Yeah.
She's giving 'em to everybody like it's candy or something.
They must sell 'em in packs over there.
- Shofar dick sword fight! - Yeah.
- En garde.
- En garde.
[campers laughing.]
[mock French accent.]
You stabbed me with your dick-like shofar! [counselor faintly.]
All right, now, everybody! What's up, buttercup? Blake? What are you doing here? I should be asking you the same thing.
This is my bunk.
Touché.
You think of me favorably.
Hey, that's my private diary.
Aren't you happy to see me? You must be after toiling in frivolity all day with these people.
- What do you mean "these people"? - [sighs.]
Oh, don't make me say it.
Say what? Katie, do you want to hang out with the future leaders of the world, or a bunch of sunburned Jews? That is really mean.
Is it? Or does it just hit home? Think on it.
Oh And clean yourself up a bit before I show you off at the Tigerclaw formal tonight, will you? Maybe try a little rouge.
Them cheeks are looking a little pallid.
Another layer of base wouldn't kill you either.
Well, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'm not sure I can go.
They're putting on a musical and there's a big staff party afterwards at the Roundhouse and I want Katie! Let me be perfectly clear.
If you back out on the formal you and me we're toast.
As in [in Southern accent.]
burnt bread.
[Beth gasping.]
Mitch, you're alive.
I can't believe it.
What happened to you? I remember sinking into the darkness.
I felt my life draining away.
Then, blackness.
When I came to, I was moving back up, up towards life.
I was alive, but changed.
I love you! I love you so much, it hurts.
[Mitch moans.]
Get a room, already.
Hey, wait, is nobody going to talk about how weird it is that Mitch is a can of vegetables? It's really weird for me, too.
Look, I hope you guys find what you're looking for, I really do.
But if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to attend to.
My wedding.
[Mitch.]
Jonas? I told you I'd keep your secrets when I hired you, but now I need you to access the memory banks of your brain and tell us the secret access code that will break into the government's secret computer network.
If you don't, we'll lose the camp.
Forever.
Jonas, you gotta help us.
Think about the kids.
You're opening a can of worms you might not be able to close.
Don't tell me about cans.
I know about cans.
Believe me.
I am one.
So, what'll it be, JoJo? Are you part of the problem, or are you the solution? I'm hoping for solution.
[shofars squawking.]
[Donna.]
I got you a present.
Oh, a shofar.
Donna, yofi, this is wonderful.
Thank you.
[Donna.]
The shofar symbolizes many things.
Strength, joy, love.
[Yaron.]
Those are beautiful words, Donna.
It really feels good to speak my truth with you.
[playing "Amazing Grace" on shofar.]
Donna, hey.
Can I, uh, talk to you privately for a second? Um, sure.
[counselor faintly.]
Girls, girls, girls.
Save that for the bedroom.
Hey, what's up? I can't figure you out.
That's what's up.
Hey, Coop, where's this anger coming from? You gave me a shofar, Donna.
You told me it was special.
It is special and You said all that stuff to me about strength, love, joy.
You said I was the only person you said that to, and then you said it to Yaron, too.
Oh, so now you're one of those people who opposes the First Amendment? I mean, freedom of speech? God, that's a privilege, Coop.
Don't you realize how lucky we are? [sighs.]
Yeah, I You know, you can be a real asshole sometimes, Coop.
[sighs.]
[sputtering.]
Donna! [imitating baby crying.]
- [Greg whispers.]
What's he doing? - Sometimes, to access buried memories, you have to go back to the beginning of your life.
Start from scratch.
[in British accent.]
Oh, Mummy, what a pretty, pretty kitty.
But I don't want to go to the workhouse.
[in normal voice.]
Coach, I know it's only Pee Wee and I've got these spindly legs, but I'd sure like to get into a game Jenny, you want to go to the prom with me? [slurring.]
Hey, man, want a dime bag? - [chuckling.]
All right, Jonas.
- Shh! [Jonas.]
Sorry I've disappointed you, Father.
That's why I'm enlisting in the Merchant Marines.
[yelling.]
Sir! Reporting for duty, sir! Charlie Bravo! Incoming, incoming! Light 'em up! [imitating machine gun.]
Sir! I will defend the network access code, sir! The code is 5-7-9-8-Delta-Alpha-N- Alpha-November-Tango-Echo- Niner-1-7-5-6-2-0- Alpha-Papa-H-India-Alpha-4-3-7.
Got it! Hell of a job, Jonas.
Jonas? Are you okay? Yes, thank you.
Jonas.
That's me.
Jonas Jurgensen.
I'm a camp chef and in love with Gail.
Hey, you.
Can I come in? I guess so.
Listen.
I've been thinking about it, and I'm really sorry about what happened back there with the shofar.
You know, the bottom line is you're right.
I shouldn't have acted that way.
But it's just, you have such a strong influence on me, Coop.
I mean, do you understand what I'm talking about? Um, maybe elaborate so that I can be sure.
Okay.
Your energy feather allowed my energy feather to find its voice.
So once I had the strength to open up to someone, well, then I could open up to someone else, and Yaron just happened to be the first person that I bumped into with this newfound energy plumage.
So, in a way, thank you.
Coop, thank you.
Um, well, you're welcome.
I got you something.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Another gift? - Yep.
Wow, a hat.
Do you like it? I got it for you in the East Village.
It feels a little small.
God, it looks so cool.
I really want you to wear it.
It feels small.
It does? It looks great.
It'll go perfectly with this.
Oh, a shirt.
- So cool.
- Shiny.
I want you to wear it to the show tonight.
- Okay.
- Coop? I'm so sorry.
Can you forgive me? Donna, of course I forgive you.
You're my girlfriend, and we're in a serious relationship.
[whispering.]
Can I kiss you? [whispering.]
What? I said, "Can I kiss you?" - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Are you doing it? - Yeah, I'm gonna do it right now.
[boys.]
Ooh! [Coop chuckling.]
You guys are here again? - So weird.
- I know.
[piano playing.]
- [Danny groans.]
- [Claude.]
Again! I need to see some daylight between those chubby thighs, Becky.
Do it again! Arch your body! [all exclaiming.]
[Danny.]
Shit! Abraham! Someone call an ambulance! We have four hours until the show, Claude, and these guys suck dick.
What are we gonna do? I'm not quite sure, Susie.
All right, let's take five! [shouting.]
You heard Claude! Take five! [owl hooting.]
[shofar squawking.]
Guys, come on.
Just tell me.
What's in that cabin? I mean, you've got to tell me, what is going on with that cabin? Okay, [sighs.]
I heard a rumor that Eric used to live there.
But then he died.
Eric? Who's Eric? I heard he still lives there.
But he's half werewolf, half dog.
What? Who is this guy? Okay, you guys.
Fine.
Look, I know the real story about Eric, but you probably don't want to hear it.
- What? We do.
- No, we do wanna hear it.
Tell us.
- Tell it.
- [Debbie.]
Come on, tell it.
Tell it.
I want to hear it.
Definitely, tell it.
We were just talking about it.
- You have to tell it.
- Tell it.
- Tell it.
- Tell it.
- You have to tell it.
- [Debbie.]
Come on, tell it.
Okay, okay, okay, guys.
So, the version of the story that I heard goes like this.
Eric was a counselor at Camp Firewood back in the mid '70s.
- And he was, like, a guitar prodigy.
- [typing.]
Mmm-hmm.
And he was in a band, called the Rockin' Knights of Summer.
[crowd.]
Knights! Knights! So the legend goes that the dad of one of the kids at camp that year was an A&R guy for Columbia Records.
- [typing continues.]
- And the night of the talent show, he came and saw Eric play, and the band played their most popular song.
- "Turn It Up"? - Exactly, "Turn It Up.
" - [rock music playing.]
- [crowd cheering.]
So this A&R guy just completely, like, flips his lid! Turn it up He signs Eric and the band to a record deal on the spot.
And he puts the band on tour opening for the J.
Geils Band.
The J.
Geils Band? No way! I am not lying to you, Jeremy, you piece of shit! [Lindsay.]
Then what happened? Well, things started to unravel.
Eric and the band rent this old house upstate, and he just starts laying down tracks, you know? He's trying to write this sonic masterpiece.
[rock music playing.]
And that is when Eric just lost his shit.
[typing rapidly.]
Hey, hey! Stop it! What did I tell you, man? Come in on the down beat.
JD, one more time! Again! Again! [J.
J.
.]
No matter what the band did, Eric was never satisfied.
- Again, JD! - Okay.
Again and again and again! [hoarsely.]
I've got nothing left.
The muse is gone.
[feedback ringing.]
So Eric just walks out of that studio, and he got into his car and he drove all the way back to Camp Firewood.
No one ever heard those recordings.
And then he just disappeared into that abandoned cabin where he still lives today.
- [owl hooting.]
- Or at least that's how the story goes.
I mean, no one's ever seen him.
[sighs.]
It's sad, too.
'Cause, I mean, he was going to be huge.
[Lindsay.]
Second rule of journalism? Sometimes stories have chapters.
I think I just found my chapter one, "Eric.
" He's like this mythical beast in a bunk.
It sounds like a great story, but save it for the article.
And hey, word of warning, don't get too close.
[Lindsay.]
Too close? I didn't know it then, but I would become closer to this story than I ever imagined.
Phone's for emergencies only, young lady.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, that was an emergency.
I, um forgot my diaphragm, so My dad's gonna send it to me.
That was him on the phone.
It's a mixed marriage.
That's why he's black.
- Lindsay? - Mmm-hmm? Believe it or not, I was your age once, I get it.
Here, take mine.
[sighs.]
You're a real pal, Nurse Nancy.
[machine humming.]
Steve, I need you to stop playing with that typewriter and that TV screen and help us with something on the camp computer.
Uh, Beth, I think that is the computer.
Can you hack into the government's mainframe? [in robot voice.]
Does not compute.
Logging onto government mainframe requires a secret military alphanumeric password.
Try this.
- [computer beeps.]
- [in normal voice.]
We're in.
- [Beth gasps.]
- [Greg.]
My God, it's not just toxic waste.
Xenstar has been doing the government's dirty work for years.
Arms smuggling, targeted assassinations, regime overthrow.
If there's something bad to be done, Xenstar's been doing it.
Steve, print out that matrix, would you? Just as I suspected.
What is it? [Greg.]
This conspiracy goes a lot higher than we thought.
The only question is, just how high? -[indistinct radio chatter.]
[loud beeping.]
[exhales.]
[reporter.]
Can I have five minutes with the president? [man.]
President Reagan is busy right now.
Mr.
President, we have a problem.
Eh? Two high-ranking counselors at Camp Firewood have hacked into the mainframe.
- And these are head counselors? - Yes, sir.
They know that Xenstar is dumping toxic waste into the water supply, which means pretty soon they'll know about us.
Then handle it.
Mr.
President, you want me to activate the Falcon? If we do, we may not be able to control the situation.
I said handle it! [breathing heavily.]
Yes, Mr.
Pres [Ron yelping.]
[groans.]
[Ron choking.]
[breathing heavily.]
[woman.]
They're ready for you, Mr.
President.
Well, let's go get 'em.
Ah! General Secretary Brezhnev, I hope you like quiche.
[crowd murmuring.]
[telephone ringing.]
[falcon screeching.]
[Ron.]
Falcon, you are activated.
The instructions are in the usual place.
[suspenseful music playing.]
[falcon screeching.]
- [Beth.]
No, Mitch! God! Mitch! - Mitch! Save the camp Save the camp? How? - [wailing.]
Mitch! - Mitch! Follow the money.
But how do we follow the money? Get the code.
Code? What code? What code? No! No, no, no! - Mitch! - [Greg.]
Mitchell! Oh, God.
Mitch! [theme music playing.]
Cruisin' time comin' 'round one to the one-five.
That's 1:15 as the crow flies, or in the case of yours truly, as the Beekeeper buzzes.
[campers.]
Ahh! I've only been at Camp Firewood for a few hours, but it already feels like an old pair of sneakers.
Speakin' of which, Lyme disease is here -and those ticks don't play favorites.
[campers chanting.]
So make sure you keep your jeans long and your laces tied if you're woods-bound.
[all.]
Ew! And congrats, congrats to Jonas and Gail, tying the knot later today at the upper field.
It's early afternoon, sort of the lower midriff of the day, if you will.
And if you won't, then that's okay.
We have to stay calm, okay? Just need to keep it together.
We'll fix this.
[hysterically.]
Fix it? How can we fix it? My lover's just drowned in a pool of green sludge.
- We can't fix it.
- He's gone now.
We can't change that.
But now the camp needs us, okay? And the parents are gonna be asking a lot of questions.
And we have to tell them the truth.
Absolutely not! The truth is the last thing we need to tell them.
When they ask us where Mitch is, what are we gonna say? - He's dead.
[yelps.]
- No.
Beth, look at me.
Focus! - I'm trying.
- Try harder.
Try harder? What is this? The latest ad campaign for Avis Rent A Car? 'Cause that's their ad campaign.
[chuckles and gasps.]
Let's go save Camp Firewood.
[Donna.]
Hey, you.
Can I come in? I guess so.
So I'm really sorry that I lied about unpacking my bags.
But the reason that I lied is because what I really was doing was wrapping a gift for you.
Really? Oh, my God.
Wow, that's such an odd way to wrap a present.
Yeah, it's just It's easier for multiple takes.
It's a shofar.
I bought it for you in Yerushalayim.
Oh, awesome! Like in temple on Rosh Hashanah! [singing in mock Hebrew.]
- [high-pitched squeaking.]
- Oh! [laughs.]
Gonna have to work on that.
Well, you have a few more months till Rosh.
The shofar symbolizes many different things.
Like strength and joy.
Love.
Coop, it feels really good to speak my truth with you.
Yeah.
You have really great arms.
- I do? - Yeah.
You should show them off.
- All right.
- Yeah.
You just push this up like that.
Perfect.
Can I kiss you, Donna? Okay.
[boys.]
Ooh! [boys giggling.]
[Greg.]
Save the camp.
Gotta save the camp.
[Beth.]
Save the camp.
A volleyball - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [man.]
Hey! Where is Mitch? We have been looking for him all morning.
- Where is he? - [Beth stammers.]
- Mitch is very close by right now.
- [woman.]
Okay.
And he's very excited to say hello to all of you.
He promised my daughter she could be in the same bunk with her friends, and instead she's with Justine and Pam! I'll get ahold of him.
Hello, Mitch? [imitating Mitch badly.]
This is Mitch.
I'm somewhere else right now.
See that? He's somewhere else right now.
That walkie-talkie probably has a tape recorder in it, and you tape-recorded Mitch's voice earlier and now you're just playing it.
- Where's Mitch? - Mitch.
Mitch? Um He's right over there in the soccer field, see? - [man.]
Is that Mitch? - [women.]
Oh! [woman.]
I recognize his hat.
That is Mitch.
- [man.]
Hey! Hey, Mitch! - [woman.]
There he is.
[Greg.]
I gotta hand it to you, you just saved our bacon.
But we only have an hour, maybe two, before those parents realize that's not Mitch.
Come on.
[man.]
Mitch, our daughter is allergic to bees.
Who are you making your friendship bracelet for, Katie? Oh, I'm making a boyfriendship bracelet for my boyfriend, Blake, from Camp Tigerclaw.
We've been to second base twice.
So that adds up to fourth.
And he is so good at lacrosse.
I thought I heard my name.
No.
Hey, your bones look all jacked out, Katie.
Let me fix 'em.
[Andy grunts.]
[Blake.]
That no-good, two-timing harlot! Oh, let me see, Blake! [Warner.]
Ugh! - Textbook nymphomaniac! - I knew it! Doesn't he know that caviar and corn dogs don't mix? You don't touch a Tigerclaw man's girl and expect to get away with it.
Let's go smash those Camp Fire Ant fruitcakes into their graves.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
We wait until after the formal tonight.
Until then, you two continue your normal Tigerclaw camp activities.
I've got something that I need to do.
Go! Go, go, go, go! [Andy grunting.]
[grunting continues.]
Thank you, Andy, but you can stop now.
I have a boyfriend, and these are his shoulders, not yours.
You're telling me you don't want to hack yourself off a slice of this long, greasy dick? - I told you I'm with Blake.
- Blake can't blow your life like I can.
You don't even know him.
I know he's got a pair of duck boots jammed in his butthole.
You'll come around, Katie, Duchess of Snobville.
I know you will.
[sighs deeply.]
I know you will.
I know you will.
You will.
The only chance that we have of saving this camp for good is to get Xenstar to stop dumping that waste.
Oh, what are we supposed to do? Call 'em up? "Hello, Xenstar, it's Beth.
Could you please stop dumping waste in our camp? - It's very inconvenient" - I get your point.
You don't have to act out what the phone call would be.
Now, we'll have to be more covert than that.
First, we need proof that they're actually doing it.
How about we hack into their mainframe computer? Oh, fat chance.
A company like that's gonna have security protocols second only to Fort Knox.
I mean, their protocols probably have protocols.
That's a lot of protocols.
We'd never be able to crack that code.
Wait, code? That's what Mitch was saying when he was drowning in the toxic waste.
"Get the code!" - Right! - But from who? Who would have access to top secret computer network codes? Someone with a military background, I'd think.
Military background? Here? I mean, maybe a Boy Scout or two.
Nurse Nancy down at the infirmary is a crossing guard during the school year, but [Greg sighs.]
Actually, there is one person.
[Jonas whistling.]
- [Danny singing.]
Yes, I am dead - [piano playing.]
Yes, I'm a ghost But I've still got the one thing I wanted the most - It's you! - It's you! - [all.]
Feel the spark! - It's you! [all.]
Feel the spark [Claude groans.]
Stop! Stop! If I wanted to watch two people not perform, I would go to the not-theater.
Is this a not-theater, Susie? No, sir.
This is a yes-theater.
Thank you, Susie.
A yes-theater, which means that we say yes to 100% commitment 100% of the time.
You got that, you two? Rhonda, walk them through it again.
- My God.
- [Rhonda.]
All right.
Becky, you're gonna do a three-steps giant leap.
Right? Danny, you've gotta catch her full flight.
None of this Busby-Berkeley- rah-rah-fun-fun stuff, okay? Think Fosse.
Think Balanchine.
Okay? Knock the knees, point the toes, gyrate and lead with the crotch.
Good.
All right, now.
Take it from the pivot.
Just the jump.
- Make it swing! - [piano playing resumes.]
- Ugh! - God damn it! I've seen better leaps from a year! [Jonas singing.]
Cattown lady chingle-chong Oh, the dooda day Needle in the doll Needle in the hay I put my bunny in a five-mile box Oh, the do-la hey! Make yourself scarce, Gary.
We need to talk to JoJo.
Why do I have to leave? Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of Gary.
We have a problem.
[Greg.]
The problem's with Mitch.
[Beth.]
Long story short, he said he made a deal with Xenstar.
We need you to hack into the government's mainframe computer and find proof of it.
Mainframe? Hack? Proof? It? Why do you come to me for help? I'm just a camp chef.
I don't know a mainframe from a picture frame.
See, Beth, I told you.
He's an idiot.
He doesn't know his ass from a doorknob.
Jonas, Mitch told me something in confidence once, I know you were in the military.
- The 'Nam.
- [scoffs.]
No way.
[menacingly.]
I'm quite sure I don't know what you're talking about.
I think you do know.
What the fuck, dude? [Beth.]
We need your help, Jonas.
We need the secret passcode to access the government computer.
[feet scuffling.]
[shouting.]
Who's there? - Where's Mitch? - He's not here.
I want to talk to Mitch! - Mitch is dead! - [Gary.]
What? Mitch is dead? I just saw him like an hour ago.
Well, he died more recently than that.
He fell into a pool of toxic waste in the woods and now he's dead.
[Mitch.]
No, I'm not.
I'm right here.
Mitch? [Mitch.]
Down here.
This is me.
[boys.]
Go! Go! Go! [counselor.]
Wait, just Cut it.
Cut it.
[high-pitched squeaking.]
[sighs.]
It's called a shofar.
It's a religious horn.
My girlfriend, Donna, got it for me from Jerushalayim.
- [counselor.]
Cool.
- Yeah.
[counselor.]
Sounds pretty sweet.
Makes me feel really special to have a girlfriend that gets me.
You know? Like [high-pitched squeaking.]
Hey! Check it out, you guys.
Horns from Israel.
Donna got 'em for us.
Donna gave you those? Yeah.
She's giving 'em to everybody like it's candy or something.
They must sell 'em in packs over there.
- Shofar dick sword fight! - Yeah.
- En garde.
- En garde.
[campers laughing.]
[mock French accent.]
You stabbed me with your dick-like shofar! [counselor faintly.]
All right, now, everybody! What's up, buttercup? Blake? What are you doing here? I should be asking you the same thing.
This is my bunk.
Touché.
You think of me favorably.
Hey, that's my private diary.
Aren't you happy to see me? You must be after toiling in frivolity all day with these people.
- What do you mean "these people"? - [sighs.]
Oh, don't make me say it.
Say what? Katie, do you want to hang out with the future leaders of the world, or a bunch of sunburned Jews? That is really mean.
Is it? Or does it just hit home? Think on it.
Oh And clean yourself up a bit before I show you off at the Tigerclaw formal tonight, will you? Maybe try a little rouge.
Them cheeks are looking a little pallid.
Another layer of base wouldn't kill you either.
Well, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'm not sure I can go.
They're putting on a musical and there's a big staff party afterwards at the Roundhouse and I want Katie! Let me be perfectly clear.
If you back out on the formal you and me we're toast.
As in [in Southern accent.]
burnt bread.
[Beth gasping.]
Mitch, you're alive.
I can't believe it.
What happened to you? I remember sinking into the darkness.
I felt my life draining away.
Then, blackness.
When I came to, I was moving back up, up towards life.
I was alive, but changed.
I love you! I love you so much, it hurts.
[Mitch moans.]
Get a room, already.
Hey, wait, is nobody going to talk about how weird it is that Mitch is a can of vegetables? It's really weird for me, too.
Look, I hope you guys find what you're looking for, I really do.
But if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to attend to.
My wedding.
[Mitch.]
Jonas? I told you I'd keep your secrets when I hired you, but now I need you to access the memory banks of your brain and tell us the secret access code that will break into the government's secret computer network.
If you don't, we'll lose the camp.
Forever.
Jonas, you gotta help us.
Think about the kids.
You're opening a can of worms you might not be able to close.
Don't tell me about cans.
I know about cans.
Believe me.
I am one.
So, what'll it be, JoJo? Are you part of the problem, or are you the solution? I'm hoping for solution.
[shofars squawking.]
[Donna.]
I got you a present.
Oh, a shofar.
Donna, yofi, this is wonderful.
Thank you.
[Donna.]
The shofar symbolizes many things.
Strength, joy, love.
[Yaron.]
Those are beautiful words, Donna.
It really feels good to speak my truth with you.
[playing "Amazing Grace" on shofar.]
Donna, hey.
Can I, uh, talk to you privately for a second? Um, sure.
[counselor faintly.]
Girls, girls, girls.
Save that for the bedroom.
Hey, what's up? I can't figure you out.
That's what's up.
Hey, Coop, where's this anger coming from? You gave me a shofar, Donna.
You told me it was special.
It is special and You said all that stuff to me about strength, love, joy.
You said I was the only person you said that to, and then you said it to Yaron, too.
Oh, so now you're one of those people who opposes the First Amendment? I mean, freedom of speech? God, that's a privilege, Coop.
Don't you realize how lucky we are? [sighs.]
Yeah, I You know, you can be a real asshole sometimes, Coop.
[sighs.]
[sputtering.]
Donna! [imitating baby crying.]
- [Greg whispers.]
What's he doing? - Sometimes, to access buried memories, you have to go back to the beginning of your life.
Start from scratch.
[in British accent.]
Oh, Mummy, what a pretty, pretty kitty.
But I don't want to go to the workhouse.
[in normal voice.]
Coach, I know it's only Pee Wee and I've got these spindly legs, but I'd sure like to get into a game Jenny, you want to go to the prom with me? [slurring.]
Hey, man, want a dime bag? - [chuckling.]
All right, Jonas.
- Shh! [Jonas.]
Sorry I've disappointed you, Father.
That's why I'm enlisting in the Merchant Marines.
[yelling.]
Sir! Reporting for duty, sir! Charlie Bravo! Incoming, incoming! Light 'em up! [imitating machine gun.]
Sir! I will defend the network access code, sir! The code is 5-7-9-8-Delta-Alpha-N- Alpha-November-Tango-Echo- Niner-1-7-5-6-2-0- Alpha-Papa-H-India-Alpha-4-3-7.
Got it! Hell of a job, Jonas.
Jonas? Are you okay? Yes, thank you.
Jonas.
That's me.
Jonas Jurgensen.
I'm a camp chef and in love with Gail.
Hey, you.
Can I come in? I guess so.
Listen.
I've been thinking about it, and I'm really sorry about what happened back there with the shofar.
You know, the bottom line is you're right.
I shouldn't have acted that way.
But it's just, you have such a strong influence on me, Coop.
I mean, do you understand what I'm talking about? Um, maybe elaborate so that I can be sure.
Okay.
Your energy feather allowed my energy feather to find its voice.
So once I had the strength to open up to someone, well, then I could open up to someone else, and Yaron just happened to be the first person that I bumped into with this newfound energy plumage.
So, in a way, thank you.
Coop, thank you.
Um, well, you're welcome.
I got you something.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Another gift? - Yep.
Wow, a hat.
Do you like it? I got it for you in the East Village.
It feels a little small.
God, it looks so cool.
I really want you to wear it.
It feels small.
It does? It looks great.
It'll go perfectly with this.
Oh, a shirt.
- So cool.
- Shiny.
I want you to wear it to the show tonight.
- Okay.
- Coop? I'm so sorry.
Can you forgive me? Donna, of course I forgive you.
You're my girlfriend, and we're in a serious relationship.
[whispering.]
Can I kiss you? [whispering.]
What? I said, "Can I kiss you?" - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Are you doing it? - Yeah, I'm gonna do it right now.
[boys.]
Ooh! [Coop chuckling.]
You guys are here again? - So weird.
- I know.
[piano playing.]
- [Danny groans.]
- [Claude.]
Again! I need to see some daylight between those chubby thighs, Becky.
Do it again! Arch your body! [all exclaiming.]
[Danny.]
Shit! Abraham! Someone call an ambulance! We have four hours until the show, Claude, and these guys suck dick.
What are we gonna do? I'm not quite sure, Susie.
All right, let's take five! [shouting.]
You heard Claude! Take five! [owl hooting.]
[shofar squawking.]
Guys, come on.
Just tell me.
What's in that cabin? I mean, you've got to tell me, what is going on with that cabin? Okay, [sighs.]
I heard a rumor that Eric used to live there.
But then he died.
Eric? Who's Eric? I heard he still lives there.
But he's half werewolf, half dog.
What? Who is this guy? Okay, you guys.
Fine.
Look, I know the real story about Eric, but you probably don't want to hear it.
- What? We do.
- No, we do wanna hear it.
Tell us.
- Tell it.
- [Debbie.]
Come on, tell it.
Tell it.
I want to hear it.
Definitely, tell it.
We were just talking about it.
- You have to tell it.
- Tell it.
- Tell it.
- Tell it.
- You have to tell it.
- [Debbie.]
Come on, tell it.
Okay, okay, okay, guys.
So, the version of the story that I heard goes like this.
Eric was a counselor at Camp Firewood back in the mid '70s.
- And he was, like, a guitar prodigy.
- [typing.]
Mmm-hmm.
And he was in a band, called the Rockin' Knights of Summer.
[crowd.]
Knights! Knights! So the legend goes that the dad of one of the kids at camp that year was an A&R guy for Columbia Records.
- [typing continues.]
- And the night of the talent show, he came and saw Eric play, and the band played their most popular song.
- "Turn It Up"? - Exactly, "Turn It Up.
" - [rock music playing.]
- [crowd cheering.]
So this A&R guy just completely, like, flips his lid! Turn it up He signs Eric and the band to a record deal on the spot.
And he puts the band on tour opening for the J.
Geils Band.
The J.
Geils Band? No way! I am not lying to you, Jeremy, you piece of shit! [Lindsay.]
Then what happened? Well, things started to unravel.
Eric and the band rent this old house upstate, and he just starts laying down tracks, you know? He's trying to write this sonic masterpiece.
[rock music playing.]
And that is when Eric just lost his shit.
[typing rapidly.]
Hey, hey! Stop it! What did I tell you, man? Come in on the down beat.
JD, one more time! Again! Again! [J.
J.
.]
No matter what the band did, Eric was never satisfied.
- Again, JD! - Okay.
Again and again and again! [hoarsely.]
I've got nothing left.
The muse is gone.
[feedback ringing.]
So Eric just walks out of that studio, and he got into his car and he drove all the way back to Camp Firewood.
No one ever heard those recordings.
And then he just disappeared into that abandoned cabin where he still lives today.
- [owl hooting.]
- Or at least that's how the story goes.
I mean, no one's ever seen him.
[sighs.]
It's sad, too.
'Cause, I mean, he was going to be huge.
[Lindsay.]
Second rule of journalism? Sometimes stories have chapters.
I think I just found my chapter one, "Eric.
" He's like this mythical beast in a bunk.
It sounds like a great story, but save it for the article.
And hey, word of warning, don't get too close.
[Lindsay.]
Too close? I didn't know it then, but I would become closer to this story than I ever imagined.
Phone's for emergencies only, young lady.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, that was an emergency.
I, um forgot my diaphragm, so My dad's gonna send it to me.
That was him on the phone.
It's a mixed marriage.
That's why he's black.
- Lindsay? - Mmm-hmm? Believe it or not, I was your age once, I get it.
Here, take mine.
[sighs.]
You're a real pal, Nurse Nancy.
[machine humming.]
Steve, I need you to stop playing with that typewriter and that TV screen and help us with something on the camp computer.
Uh, Beth, I think that is the computer.
Can you hack into the government's mainframe? [in robot voice.]
Does not compute.
Logging onto government mainframe requires a secret military alphanumeric password.
Try this.
- [computer beeps.]
- [in normal voice.]
We're in.
- [Beth gasps.]
- [Greg.]
My God, it's not just toxic waste.
Xenstar has been doing the government's dirty work for years.
Arms smuggling, targeted assassinations, regime overthrow.
If there's something bad to be done, Xenstar's been doing it.
Steve, print out that matrix, would you? Just as I suspected.
What is it? [Greg.]
This conspiracy goes a lot higher than we thought.
The only question is, just how high? -[indistinct radio chatter.]
[loud beeping.]
[exhales.]
[reporter.]
Can I have five minutes with the president? [man.]
President Reagan is busy right now.
Mr.
President, we have a problem.
Eh? Two high-ranking counselors at Camp Firewood have hacked into the mainframe.
- And these are head counselors? - Yes, sir.
They know that Xenstar is dumping toxic waste into the water supply, which means pretty soon they'll know about us.
Then handle it.
Mr.
President, you want me to activate the Falcon? If we do, we may not be able to control the situation.
I said handle it! [breathing heavily.]
Yes, Mr.
Pres [Ron yelping.]
[groans.]
[Ron choking.]
[breathing heavily.]
[woman.]
They're ready for you, Mr.
President.
Well, let's go get 'em.
Ah! General Secretary Brezhnev, I hope you like quiche.
[crowd murmuring.]
[telephone ringing.]
[falcon screeching.]
[Ron.]
Falcon, you are activated.
The instructions are in the usual place.
[suspenseful music playing.]
[falcon screeching.]