Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Auditions
1 The black hole, where gravity's pull is so intense that even light can't escape.
Sometimes I feel that way when I'm at a boring dinner party.
Listen, next week we have the big quiz.
But if you want tenure, you need to learn to play the game.
Cozy up to Dean Fairchild.
Kiss his ass.
Remember, I'm not only the dean, I am also the editor of The Astrophysics Quarterly Review.
- I'm leaving you, Henry.
- No, Christine, I will get published.
You'll see.
Who am I kidding, they're just gonna choose Associate Professor Brodfard Gilroy's work, like they always do.
- Drink, Henry? - No, thank you, Dean Fairchild.
I try not to drink bourbon before lunch.
Ouch.
Do I detect sarcasm? "A hit, a very palpable hit!" Hamlet, act five, scene two? "The Devil hath power to assume pleasing shape.
" "Though it be madness, yet there is method in't.
" "I am but mad north-north-west.
When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw!" Jeez, Henry.
Keep your shirt on.
We're trying to have a little fun.
My paper is better than anything that could be conceived by your feeble brain, Brodfard! Oh, what's wrong, Henry? Are you gonna whine or are you gonna win? Oh! Ow! Ow! Are those our professors? I hope your writing is better than your left hook, Neumann.
I just want people to see my ideas.
Well, perhaps you can start a newsletter or something.
You utter moron.
That son of a bitch! I know I'm not very good at playing the game.
Maybe that's because science isn't a game to me.
I don't care who jerked off next to who in the faculty lounge last week.
I'm a damn good astrophysicist and I will not let anyone take that away from me.
Not Brodfard Gilroy, and especially not you.
You back-slapping, booze-swilling, glad-handing fuck dick of a shit butt! Get out! Oh, my God.
Don't beat yourself up.
It happens to everyone.
Just take this as an opportunity to relax and reflect.
I know a great real estate agent.
She specializes in summer rentals up near Waterville.
Call her, Henry.
This is the only unit still available that's within your price range.
Definitely has a rustic feeling to it, but it's perfect for someone looking for a little solitude.
We just had a married couple in here just now.
I guess it didn't work out.
It's too bad, too.
I really liked them.
It's so sad.
Did you know that more than 50% of married couples get divorced these days? Boy, oh, boy.
Times sure have changed.
Anyway, listen to me jabbering on.
Believe me, I know you have better things to do with your time than listen to me go on about gosh only knows what.
Quite a storm on the way.
They say it's a nor'easter.
Anyway, listen to me gabbing on.
I should mention that there is a summer camp right through the trees over there.
Nice enough people.
Sometimes they make too much noise, but kids will be kids, don't you know? Anyhoo I do have two other people interested in this property, so if you are serious about renting, I'm going to need a deposit.
It's perfect.
I'll take it.
Hey, Wooders! Don't forget, we got our special mid-day entertainment starting in about an hour.
That's right, original bad boy of hypnotism, Jackie Brazen! -Jackie is back by popular demand and everyone who saw him last year tells me this show is hot.
-HO-T.
Which kind of makes me want to break out some BTO a little bit later.
That's Bachman-Turner Overdrive for those of you who prefer the non-abbreviated way of doing things.
We're like Burger King here on CFW.
You can have it your way.
Guys.
Everybody, focus up.
Eyes up here.
- We have some very sad news.
- Yeah.
Tragedy has befallen our humble theater.
Leaps were leapt.
Bones were broken.
Dreams were deferred.
Earlier today, Abraham Mendel saved the lives of Danny and Becky by breaking their fall.
Sorry, man.
Danny, Becky, you were our leads.
- And we will never forget you.
- Never.
- But we're fine.
- Yeah, we weren't injured.
Yeah, well, you made a mistake, and mistakes aren't tolerated here, so you're out.
But the show must go on! And in that spirit, Ben will be stepping in for Abraham and performing with McKinley in the zoot suit number.
It is time for this actorly vessel to cross the footlights.
- Adieu, my princess! - Aw.
Adieu and exeunt.
It's kind of our thing.
Anyway, we have to replace the leading lady and the leading man.
I need help from a professional director.
Claude? Ah! Let the auditions begin! Hi, I'm Lisa.
I'm from Freehold, New Jersey.
I'm 16, and I'm gonna sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
" Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder Thank you.
That's all we need to hear.
Are you sure? I'm happy to do another song.
You weren't good, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You want me to gut you like a fish for everyone to see? Is that what you want, little girl? Because let me tell you something.
The truth stings, okay? Like salt on an open wound.
You were an abomination! Your audition stunk up this room like a dusty wet fart! You don't have it! You don't have it, honey.
And I hope to hell you're good at something else, because you sure as shit are not gonna make it in show business.
So that, to answer your question, is the truth.
What was her question? I'll take a tin of Skoal and, uh two combs.
Candy! Yeah! Candy! Are you gonna buy anything? What, old man? I can't hear you over the music.
He asked you politely if you were going to buy anything.
"He asked politely if you were gonna buy anything.
" - Who the fuck are you, asswipe? - Yeah, asswipe, who the fuck are you? I'm the Falcon, President Reagan's hired assassin asswipe.
My uterus.
Oh, man.
Keep the change.
You kids stay in school.
Jonas? Oh! - Hey, there - Hi.
Gail, my fiancée.
What were you talking to Beth and Greg about? - What do you mean? - I overheard you.
What'd you hear? Something about sludge, the government codes.
- A can.
- Mmm-mmm.
What was all that stuff about? Oh, yeah, that was, uh Jonas, is there anything I need to know about you before we get married? Like, anything at all? No nothing.
Oh, my I'm so sorry, Jonas! I thought for some reason that you would, like, catch it and spin it around or God, what am I doing? I think I'm just scared.
It's okay to be scared.
Getting married's scary.
But you want to know what? - I'm not scared.
- You're not? I remember the first time I laid eyes on you at the Portsmouth Marriott doing the hustle.
I knew right then and there, you were gonna be the girl that I married.
It wasn't the hustle.
It was the electric slide.
"That was my Mama's scarf.
The scarf she wrapped around her neck.
It was given to her by her aunt Margaret who lived in Boston.
" Hey, Katie.
I was thinking about watching you ride a horse later.
Is that cool? Sorry, Andy.
I'm auditioning to replace Becky in the musical.
And if I get the part, I'll be rehearsing all day.
That sounds like a drag.
I hope you don't get it.
Trees look weird if you squint at 'em.
Being in the play is a lot of fun.
In fact, you could audition for the lead role.
I bet you'd be a great performer.
I'd rather pick dingleberries out of my Aunt Frieda's butt than do that stupid shit.
Well, it's just something to think about.
It's a really good musical.
There's all sorts of fun pyrotechnics and dancing and singing and the two leads have a big kiss at the end.
Anyway, I'll see ya later.
Think I just caught the acting bug.
Next! I have to call my service.
Claude, do you think, maybe, we're being a little too hard on them? I mean, after all, it's just a summer camp.
Let me tell you a little story, Susie.
One night, I was having drinks next to the brilliant Jerome Robbins while he was having drinks with the late, great Gower Champion.
And do you know who else was in the restaurant that night? No.
Jack Hofsiss.
- Holy shit.
- "Holy shit" is right.
I call winner.
In your face, douche! Hey, is it cool if we play? It's not like we own the tetherball court or anything.
Kevin, can you show me? - Appleblatt? - Okay.
The point is to get the ball all the way around the pole, so you hit it like this.
Okay.
So, like this? Ow! Stop laughing at her.
It's not funny.
Happens all the time.
See? He is such a dork.
Kevin, what's your major malfunction? Come on, Amy, let's go.
My name is Robbie Klein and I'm from Shaker Heights, Ohio.
My name is Jeremy Barofsky.
Sarah Rachel Winkleman, 16.
I feel it coming like a tidal wave I'm in over my head Drowned deep down in your ocean Washed up and left for dead Next.
Give me heart attack Heart attack of love Heart attack of love Next.
"And my relief must come from loathing her!" - Next.
- Hey, how's everybody doing? It looks like a full house tonight.
Next! - Next.
Next.
- Next.
And can you feel it in the air? - Next.
- Next.
Next.
Next! Give me a heart attack Heart attack I'm sorry.
Next! Katie Finnerty, 16.
Feel it coming like a tidal wave I'm in over my head Short it out, make your own revolution Just dance and let them stare Heart attack love Give me a heart attack Heart attack love Heart attack love Oh, you love me, ya hate me You gimme, gimme heart attack! All right, now we're getting somewhere.
Okay, settle down, everybody! Settle, settle.
Beth! We are very pleased to welcome Kennebec County's number one hypnotist, Jackie Brazen! What are we doing, Beth? We're sitting on a time bomb here.
What are we gonna do? We're running out of time.
All right, all right! Camp Firewood! We have to keep up normal appearances for as long as possible until we can figure out a way to stop Xenstar and the United States government.
Are you ready to get unconscious and uncanny? Let's get uncanny! I'm gonna need a few victims I mean volunteers! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Whoa, whoa.
Slow down, big fella.
I'm gonna need you to slow way down.
More like a turtle.
Oh, my God.
He's acting like a turtle! Turtle! - What? - I like the new look.
- Really? - No, you look like a doink.
- Okay, can we go? - I just need you to trust me, Greg.
I'm just really worried about that toxic sludge.
Rhonda! Who's next? And can someone please blow me away? - Logan.
- That's me! Hello, I'm Logan.
I'm 16 years old.
I'm from Tarrytown, New York.
My favorite musical is Annie, my favorite season winter, and my favorite actor is, of course, the great Ben Vereen.
It's a 16/4 with a loop at the hook.
Freeze the bars and mute the quarter-tones.
If it ever feels like we're dragging, we're not.
It's just that kind of tune.
What did you guys think of lunch today? I thought the sloppy joes were pretty great, but the coleslaw was a little eggy.
I think we can do better.
Everything has a season Everything has a time Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme This kid is a pro.
He started auditioning the moment he walked into the room.
He's the one.
We should tell him before he books something else.
No.
Never let them know you like them.
Children belong where they can ramble Eagles belong where they can fly I got to be where my spirit can run free Gotta find my corner Yeah, of the sky Uh, Logan? Uh, listen, can you hang around for a while? Absolutely.
Did you guys like it or I don't know.
Wow.
What an education.
- Uh, how can I help you, ma'am? - Hi.
This is a little bit awkward, but I was wondering if I could look up any public records on my fiancé, Jonas Jurgensen? For no reason.
Probably nothing.
Just to reassure myself.
It's always good to be thorough.
Jonas Jurgensen, date of birth June 21st, 1952.
Resides at 1048 Walnut Street.
And - he's dead.
- What? Oh, that can't be.
I am so sorry.
I read that wrong.
- It's actually 1408 - No, after that.
- That he's dead? - That's impossible.
Uh, checking Oh No, it says it right here.
He's definitely dead.
But If Jonas is dead, then who am I about to marry? Do the funky chicken.
You're a constipated wiener dog.
You're a one-celled organism.
Dibs on her.
Dibs on her.
Dibs on her.
You can't call dibs on every girl, Drew.
That's against the rules.
Yes, you can, 'cause I just did.
Eat my dick, Captain Fuck Pants.
We should take turns.
Kevin, you go first.
Oh.
- Okay, I call dibs on - You're a sexy, sexy alpaca! I call dibs on that Amy chick.
What? No.
It was my turn.
Bullshit.
We're going counter-clockwise.
It's my turn, and I call dibs on Amy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, is he a man or is he a pogo stick? Pogo stick! - Oh.
Hey.
- Hey.
- McKinley, right? - Yeah.
Oh, Ben.
I'm the producer.
Well, was the producer.
I guess you and I are doing the zoot suit.
Yeah, we're doing the zoot suit.
Who came up with this contraption? I guess the trademark is that both actors get into the zoot suit and then they play the zoot suit together.
- I know.
I made the costume.
- No, you didn't.
Hand to God.
I've been into sewing since I was eight years old.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea you were that creative.
- Oh, really? - Uh-uh.
Oh, I just thought it was so obvious that I'm creative.
I mean, I just thought, 'cause you're creative that you would know that I'm creative.
Oh, I see, Ben.
You don't realize that you're creative, too.
It's all right.
Whether or not you're creative, I think you're really talented.
Well, I think you're really talented, too, obviously.
I mean Flatterer.
- I have some mask work to do.
- Okay.
- I'll catch up with you later? - All right.
We gotta try this on, don't we? No time like the present.
You're insane, Graham.
Ayn Rand? She's not attractive.
Her talent, Warner.
I'm attracted to her talent.
Well, she certainly has a brilliant mind.
But who needs a woman with a mind? That's so true! Hi, boys.
- Blake.
- Courtney.
Your collar's looking particularly popped this afternoon.
So, um, word around camp is that you and Katie are on the rocks.
Well, you heard wrong.
We've never been stronger, Katie and I.
'Cause, see, I thought I heard she wasn't coming to TigerForm tonight so she could eat hot dog wieners with those peasants from Camp Firewood.
Katie will be at TigerForm tonight.
You'll see.
You'll all see! Jeez, okay.
Don't have to get in such a snit.
He's like my father when he gets into the Planter's Punch.
Well, if anything changes you know where to find me.
I'll be on the boat with Whitney.
Rowing crew.
If we can find a coxswain.
She is a minx.
Socialist! It says here, in 1973, a plane was on its way to Malta.
But that plane crashed.
There were five passengers on the flight, four of whom were burnt to a crisp, their bodies unidentifiable.
But one passenger's body was never found.
It seems that your fiancé left that crash unharmed, and then he took the identity of one of the passengers who died.
What are you saying? Your fiancé's name isn't Jonas Jurgensen.
- Then what is it? - Gene Jenkinson.
Who is Gene Jenkinson? It says here, he was in the Vietnam War, and he loves to cook.
There's not much else.
Oh, Gail I hate to see you in pain like this.
Thank you, Jeff.
- Please, call me by my middle name.
- Which is? Also Jeff.
Jeff, it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the two new leads for Electro-City are Katie Finnerty and Logan St.
Bogan! Oh, my God! Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Um, so many people to thank.
My parents, Roger and Wendy.
My voice coach Sir Maxwell Dickinson.
My speech instructor, Dan Larson MacLeod.
My tap guy Is it too late to audition? - Yes, Andy, it's too late.
- No No, it's not.
Let's see what you got, kid.
Claude? You cannot recast.
You literally, mere seconds ago, cast me in the role.
- Stuff it, Logan.
- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! Take your time, son.
Whenever you're ready.
Andy has never done anything on the stage before.
Raw clay can be good, Susie.
Sticks to your hands when it's on the wheel, but it glazes like a dream.
This is a song I wrote.
It's called "Champagne Eyes.
" These champagne eyes, they're trouble My thoughts are on the ceiling My gun is shot and wet No surprise Wow.
The lights are out, the money's gone One breast is badly listing Still you waltz around with champagne eyes Forever waltz about on champagne eyes And still we walk around Champagne eyes.
It's all I got, um I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Well, I won't lie to you, Andy.
You have talent.
But you're rough around the edges.
- So, did I get the part? - Oh, you got the part, all right, mister.
But what about me? I'm the best damn hoofer you got, and you know it.
Don't worry, Logan.
You will play the part of the Warden.
The Warden? But he only has one song.
Well, I suggest you make it a doozy.
Remember, no small parts.
Awesome.
Ladies and gentlemen the show is cast.
Hey.
So I guess we're gonna get to do some hard neckin'.
Not everything's about making out, Andy.
I hope you learn to take something seriously for once.
I hope you all had fun this afternoon, and I also hope you learned a thing or two about the mind.
To paraphrase the late Albert Einstein, "We cannot solve our problems with thinking.
We can only solve our problems by doing.
" Mr.
Brazen? I'm sorry, we didn't mean to scare you.
We just want to tell you how amazing that was.
Well, thank you very much.
The way you got Malcolm to eat all those pieces of bread like that was hilarious.
Right on.
Very fun.
And that was like four entire loaves of bread.
He's gonna have the most raging stomachache.
- So funny.
- Right on.
Very fun.
Well, good luck with your show at Camp Snow Ledge.
Thank you.
I will go do my show at Camp Snow Ledge now.
If you'll excuse me - Ow, ow - Let's get out of here.
Ow, ow, ow What are you doing? There is no Camp Snow Ledge.
I made that up.
- You mean - Yes.
You lied to Jackie Brazen? No, I mean, I think the government is on to us Run! - Come on.
- I'm moving as fast as I can.
- Hurry up.
- You hurry up.
- Faster.
- I'm running.
You run.
- I'm running.
- You call that running? That's not running.
I'm running.
Don't stop.
Stay with me.
Sometimes I feel that way when I'm at a boring dinner party.
Listen, next week we have the big quiz.
But if you want tenure, you need to learn to play the game.
Cozy up to Dean Fairchild.
Kiss his ass.
Remember, I'm not only the dean, I am also the editor of The Astrophysics Quarterly Review.
- I'm leaving you, Henry.
- No, Christine, I will get published.
You'll see.
Who am I kidding, they're just gonna choose Associate Professor Brodfard Gilroy's work, like they always do.
- Drink, Henry? - No, thank you, Dean Fairchild.
I try not to drink bourbon before lunch.
Ouch.
Do I detect sarcasm? "A hit, a very palpable hit!" Hamlet, act five, scene two? "The Devil hath power to assume pleasing shape.
" "Though it be madness, yet there is method in't.
" "I am but mad north-north-west.
When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw!" Jeez, Henry.
Keep your shirt on.
We're trying to have a little fun.
My paper is better than anything that could be conceived by your feeble brain, Brodfard! Oh, what's wrong, Henry? Are you gonna whine or are you gonna win? Oh! Ow! Ow! Are those our professors? I hope your writing is better than your left hook, Neumann.
I just want people to see my ideas.
Well, perhaps you can start a newsletter or something.
You utter moron.
That son of a bitch! I know I'm not very good at playing the game.
Maybe that's because science isn't a game to me.
I don't care who jerked off next to who in the faculty lounge last week.
I'm a damn good astrophysicist and I will not let anyone take that away from me.
Not Brodfard Gilroy, and especially not you.
You back-slapping, booze-swilling, glad-handing fuck dick of a shit butt! Get out! Oh, my God.
Don't beat yourself up.
It happens to everyone.
Just take this as an opportunity to relax and reflect.
I know a great real estate agent.
She specializes in summer rentals up near Waterville.
Call her, Henry.
This is the only unit still available that's within your price range.
Definitely has a rustic feeling to it, but it's perfect for someone looking for a little solitude.
We just had a married couple in here just now.
I guess it didn't work out.
It's too bad, too.
I really liked them.
It's so sad.
Did you know that more than 50% of married couples get divorced these days? Boy, oh, boy.
Times sure have changed.
Anyway, listen to me jabbering on.
Believe me, I know you have better things to do with your time than listen to me go on about gosh only knows what.
Quite a storm on the way.
They say it's a nor'easter.
Anyway, listen to me gabbing on.
I should mention that there is a summer camp right through the trees over there.
Nice enough people.
Sometimes they make too much noise, but kids will be kids, don't you know? Anyhoo I do have two other people interested in this property, so if you are serious about renting, I'm going to need a deposit.
It's perfect.
I'll take it.
Hey, Wooders! Don't forget, we got our special mid-day entertainment starting in about an hour.
That's right, original bad boy of hypnotism, Jackie Brazen! -Jackie is back by popular demand and everyone who saw him last year tells me this show is hot.
-HO-T.
Which kind of makes me want to break out some BTO a little bit later.
That's Bachman-Turner Overdrive for those of you who prefer the non-abbreviated way of doing things.
We're like Burger King here on CFW.
You can have it your way.
Guys.
Everybody, focus up.
Eyes up here.
- We have some very sad news.
- Yeah.
Tragedy has befallen our humble theater.
Leaps were leapt.
Bones were broken.
Dreams were deferred.
Earlier today, Abraham Mendel saved the lives of Danny and Becky by breaking their fall.
Sorry, man.
Danny, Becky, you were our leads.
- And we will never forget you.
- Never.
- But we're fine.
- Yeah, we weren't injured.
Yeah, well, you made a mistake, and mistakes aren't tolerated here, so you're out.
But the show must go on! And in that spirit, Ben will be stepping in for Abraham and performing with McKinley in the zoot suit number.
It is time for this actorly vessel to cross the footlights.
- Adieu, my princess! - Aw.
Adieu and exeunt.
It's kind of our thing.
Anyway, we have to replace the leading lady and the leading man.
I need help from a professional director.
Claude? Ah! Let the auditions begin! Hi, I'm Lisa.
I'm from Freehold, New Jersey.
I'm 16, and I'm gonna sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
" Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder Thank you.
That's all we need to hear.
Are you sure? I'm happy to do another song.
You weren't good, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You want me to gut you like a fish for everyone to see? Is that what you want, little girl? Because let me tell you something.
The truth stings, okay? Like salt on an open wound.
You were an abomination! Your audition stunk up this room like a dusty wet fart! You don't have it! You don't have it, honey.
And I hope to hell you're good at something else, because you sure as shit are not gonna make it in show business.
So that, to answer your question, is the truth.
What was her question? I'll take a tin of Skoal and, uh two combs.
Candy! Yeah! Candy! Are you gonna buy anything? What, old man? I can't hear you over the music.
He asked you politely if you were going to buy anything.
"He asked politely if you were gonna buy anything.
" - Who the fuck are you, asswipe? - Yeah, asswipe, who the fuck are you? I'm the Falcon, President Reagan's hired assassin asswipe.
My uterus.
Oh, man.
Keep the change.
You kids stay in school.
Jonas? Oh! - Hey, there - Hi.
Gail, my fiancée.
What were you talking to Beth and Greg about? - What do you mean? - I overheard you.
What'd you hear? Something about sludge, the government codes.
- A can.
- Mmm-mmm.
What was all that stuff about? Oh, yeah, that was, uh Jonas, is there anything I need to know about you before we get married? Like, anything at all? No nothing.
Oh, my I'm so sorry, Jonas! I thought for some reason that you would, like, catch it and spin it around or God, what am I doing? I think I'm just scared.
It's okay to be scared.
Getting married's scary.
But you want to know what? - I'm not scared.
- You're not? I remember the first time I laid eyes on you at the Portsmouth Marriott doing the hustle.
I knew right then and there, you were gonna be the girl that I married.
It wasn't the hustle.
It was the electric slide.
"That was my Mama's scarf.
The scarf she wrapped around her neck.
It was given to her by her aunt Margaret who lived in Boston.
" Hey, Katie.
I was thinking about watching you ride a horse later.
Is that cool? Sorry, Andy.
I'm auditioning to replace Becky in the musical.
And if I get the part, I'll be rehearsing all day.
That sounds like a drag.
I hope you don't get it.
Trees look weird if you squint at 'em.
Being in the play is a lot of fun.
In fact, you could audition for the lead role.
I bet you'd be a great performer.
I'd rather pick dingleberries out of my Aunt Frieda's butt than do that stupid shit.
Well, it's just something to think about.
It's a really good musical.
There's all sorts of fun pyrotechnics and dancing and singing and the two leads have a big kiss at the end.
Anyway, I'll see ya later.
Think I just caught the acting bug.
Next! I have to call my service.
Claude, do you think, maybe, we're being a little too hard on them? I mean, after all, it's just a summer camp.
Let me tell you a little story, Susie.
One night, I was having drinks next to the brilliant Jerome Robbins while he was having drinks with the late, great Gower Champion.
And do you know who else was in the restaurant that night? No.
Jack Hofsiss.
- Holy shit.
- "Holy shit" is right.
I call winner.
In your face, douche! Hey, is it cool if we play? It's not like we own the tetherball court or anything.
Kevin, can you show me? - Appleblatt? - Okay.
The point is to get the ball all the way around the pole, so you hit it like this.
Okay.
So, like this? Ow! Stop laughing at her.
It's not funny.
Happens all the time.
See? He is such a dork.
Kevin, what's your major malfunction? Come on, Amy, let's go.
My name is Robbie Klein and I'm from Shaker Heights, Ohio.
My name is Jeremy Barofsky.
Sarah Rachel Winkleman, 16.
I feel it coming like a tidal wave I'm in over my head Drowned deep down in your ocean Washed up and left for dead Next.
Give me heart attack Heart attack of love Heart attack of love Next.
"And my relief must come from loathing her!" - Next.
- Hey, how's everybody doing? It looks like a full house tonight.
Next! - Next.
Next.
- Next.
And can you feel it in the air? - Next.
- Next.
Next.
Next! Give me a heart attack Heart attack I'm sorry.
Next! Katie Finnerty, 16.
Feel it coming like a tidal wave I'm in over my head Short it out, make your own revolution Just dance and let them stare Heart attack love Give me a heart attack Heart attack love Heart attack love Oh, you love me, ya hate me You gimme, gimme heart attack! All right, now we're getting somewhere.
Okay, settle down, everybody! Settle, settle.
Beth! We are very pleased to welcome Kennebec County's number one hypnotist, Jackie Brazen! What are we doing, Beth? We're sitting on a time bomb here.
What are we gonna do? We're running out of time.
All right, all right! Camp Firewood! We have to keep up normal appearances for as long as possible until we can figure out a way to stop Xenstar and the United States government.
Are you ready to get unconscious and uncanny? Let's get uncanny! I'm gonna need a few victims I mean volunteers! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Whoa, whoa.
Slow down, big fella.
I'm gonna need you to slow way down.
More like a turtle.
Oh, my God.
He's acting like a turtle! Turtle! - What? - I like the new look.
- Really? - No, you look like a doink.
- Okay, can we go? - I just need you to trust me, Greg.
I'm just really worried about that toxic sludge.
Rhonda! Who's next? And can someone please blow me away? - Logan.
- That's me! Hello, I'm Logan.
I'm 16 years old.
I'm from Tarrytown, New York.
My favorite musical is Annie, my favorite season winter, and my favorite actor is, of course, the great Ben Vereen.
It's a 16/4 with a loop at the hook.
Freeze the bars and mute the quarter-tones.
If it ever feels like we're dragging, we're not.
It's just that kind of tune.
What did you guys think of lunch today? I thought the sloppy joes were pretty great, but the coleslaw was a little eggy.
I think we can do better.
Everything has a season Everything has a time Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme This kid is a pro.
He started auditioning the moment he walked into the room.
He's the one.
We should tell him before he books something else.
No.
Never let them know you like them.
Children belong where they can ramble Eagles belong where they can fly I got to be where my spirit can run free Gotta find my corner Yeah, of the sky Uh, Logan? Uh, listen, can you hang around for a while? Absolutely.
Did you guys like it or I don't know.
Wow.
What an education.
- Uh, how can I help you, ma'am? - Hi.
This is a little bit awkward, but I was wondering if I could look up any public records on my fiancé, Jonas Jurgensen? For no reason.
Probably nothing.
Just to reassure myself.
It's always good to be thorough.
Jonas Jurgensen, date of birth June 21st, 1952.
Resides at 1048 Walnut Street.
And - he's dead.
- What? Oh, that can't be.
I am so sorry.
I read that wrong.
- It's actually 1408 - No, after that.
- That he's dead? - That's impossible.
Uh, checking Oh No, it says it right here.
He's definitely dead.
But If Jonas is dead, then who am I about to marry? Do the funky chicken.
You're a constipated wiener dog.
You're a one-celled organism.
Dibs on her.
Dibs on her.
Dibs on her.
You can't call dibs on every girl, Drew.
That's against the rules.
Yes, you can, 'cause I just did.
Eat my dick, Captain Fuck Pants.
We should take turns.
Kevin, you go first.
Oh.
- Okay, I call dibs on - You're a sexy, sexy alpaca! I call dibs on that Amy chick.
What? No.
It was my turn.
Bullshit.
We're going counter-clockwise.
It's my turn, and I call dibs on Amy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, is he a man or is he a pogo stick? Pogo stick! - Oh.
Hey.
- Hey.
- McKinley, right? - Yeah.
Oh, Ben.
I'm the producer.
Well, was the producer.
I guess you and I are doing the zoot suit.
Yeah, we're doing the zoot suit.
Who came up with this contraption? I guess the trademark is that both actors get into the zoot suit and then they play the zoot suit together.
- I know.
I made the costume.
- No, you didn't.
Hand to God.
I've been into sewing since I was eight years old.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea you were that creative.
- Oh, really? - Uh-uh.
Oh, I just thought it was so obvious that I'm creative.
I mean, I just thought, 'cause you're creative that you would know that I'm creative.
Oh, I see, Ben.
You don't realize that you're creative, too.
It's all right.
Whether or not you're creative, I think you're really talented.
Well, I think you're really talented, too, obviously.
I mean Flatterer.
- I have some mask work to do.
- Okay.
- I'll catch up with you later? - All right.
We gotta try this on, don't we? No time like the present.
You're insane, Graham.
Ayn Rand? She's not attractive.
Her talent, Warner.
I'm attracted to her talent.
Well, she certainly has a brilliant mind.
But who needs a woman with a mind? That's so true! Hi, boys.
- Blake.
- Courtney.
Your collar's looking particularly popped this afternoon.
So, um, word around camp is that you and Katie are on the rocks.
Well, you heard wrong.
We've never been stronger, Katie and I.
'Cause, see, I thought I heard she wasn't coming to TigerForm tonight so she could eat hot dog wieners with those peasants from Camp Firewood.
Katie will be at TigerForm tonight.
You'll see.
You'll all see! Jeez, okay.
Don't have to get in such a snit.
He's like my father when he gets into the Planter's Punch.
Well, if anything changes you know where to find me.
I'll be on the boat with Whitney.
Rowing crew.
If we can find a coxswain.
She is a minx.
Socialist! It says here, in 1973, a plane was on its way to Malta.
But that plane crashed.
There were five passengers on the flight, four of whom were burnt to a crisp, their bodies unidentifiable.
But one passenger's body was never found.
It seems that your fiancé left that crash unharmed, and then he took the identity of one of the passengers who died.
What are you saying? Your fiancé's name isn't Jonas Jurgensen.
- Then what is it? - Gene Jenkinson.
Who is Gene Jenkinson? It says here, he was in the Vietnam War, and he loves to cook.
There's not much else.
Oh, Gail I hate to see you in pain like this.
Thank you, Jeff.
- Please, call me by my middle name.
- Which is? Also Jeff.
Jeff, it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the two new leads for Electro-City are Katie Finnerty and Logan St.
Bogan! Oh, my God! Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Um, so many people to thank.
My parents, Roger and Wendy.
My voice coach Sir Maxwell Dickinson.
My speech instructor, Dan Larson MacLeod.
My tap guy Is it too late to audition? - Yes, Andy, it's too late.
- No No, it's not.
Let's see what you got, kid.
Claude? You cannot recast.
You literally, mere seconds ago, cast me in the role.
- Stuff it, Logan.
- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! Take your time, son.
Whenever you're ready.
Andy has never done anything on the stage before.
Raw clay can be good, Susie.
Sticks to your hands when it's on the wheel, but it glazes like a dream.
This is a song I wrote.
It's called "Champagne Eyes.
" These champagne eyes, they're trouble My thoughts are on the ceiling My gun is shot and wet No surprise Wow.
The lights are out, the money's gone One breast is badly listing Still you waltz around with champagne eyes Forever waltz about on champagne eyes And still we walk around Champagne eyes.
It's all I got, um I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Well, I won't lie to you, Andy.
You have talent.
But you're rough around the edges.
- So, did I get the part? - Oh, you got the part, all right, mister.
But what about me? I'm the best damn hoofer you got, and you know it.
Don't worry, Logan.
You will play the part of the Warden.
The Warden? But he only has one song.
Well, I suggest you make it a doozy.
Remember, no small parts.
Awesome.
Ladies and gentlemen the show is cast.
Hey.
So I guess we're gonna get to do some hard neckin'.
Not everything's about making out, Andy.
I hope you learn to take something seriously for once.
I hope you all had fun this afternoon, and I also hope you learned a thing or two about the mind.
To paraphrase the late Albert Einstein, "We cannot solve our problems with thinking.
We can only solve our problems by doing.
" Mr.
Brazen? I'm sorry, we didn't mean to scare you.
We just want to tell you how amazing that was.
Well, thank you very much.
The way you got Malcolm to eat all those pieces of bread like that was hilarious.
Right on.
Very fun.
And that was like four entire loaves of bread.
He's gonna have the most raging stomachache.
- So funny.
- Right on.
Very fun.
Well, good luck with your show at Camp Snow Ledge.
Thank you.
I will go do my show at Camp Snow Ledge now.
If you'll excuse me - Ow, ow - Let's get out of here.
Ow, ow, ow What are you doing? There is no Camp Snow Ledge.
I made that up.
- You mean - Yes.
You lied to Jackie Brazen? No, I mean, I think the government is on to us Run! - Come on.
- I'm moving as fast as I can.
- Hurry up.
- You hurry up.
- Faster.
- I'm running.
You run.
- I'm running.
- You call that running? That's not running.
I'm running.
Don't stop.
Stay with me.