Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [birds chirping.]
[Nancy.]
Uh-huh.
Just pop the bone right back into place, I'll be there as soon as I can.
- Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? Okay, who's gonna be our first victim? Oh! Oh! Oh! How about we call the [laughing.]
How about we call the pizza place and order a pizza with extra thick sausage, only we're talking about extra thick dicks? Wait, I don't know how to call outside numbers on this phone.
- Ugh! - Um Oh! Let's call Jonas, from the mess hall.
- Guy's a total doofus.
Extension 84.
- Yes! Yes! - Great idea.
- Yeah.
- [telephone ringing.]
- [Jonas whistling.]
Mess hall.
Jonas Jurgenson.
- Hello.
- [Neil laughing.]
[Victor in deep voice.]
Hello, yes, this is the food inspector.
We just received a report that your food is contaminated with dick farts.
- [both snickering.]
- What did you say? [in deep voice.]
I said your stupid kitchen food apparently has a dick in it, and apparently that dick farted, and now your entire kitchen smells like dick farts.
[Neil mimics farting.]
This isn't the food inspector.
The food inspector would never call me at this time of day.
Who is this? I'm gonna kill you and fuck you.
Who is this? [in normal voice.]
It's your butthole.
[both laughing hysterically.]
Oh, my God! Victor! - That was awesome, Victor! - [laughing continues.]
Victor, do you think he knew it was you, Victor? Victor, do you think he knew it was you, Victor? [Victor.]
No, no.
That guy's a dumb fuck.
[Jonas.]
Victor Pulak.
[shuddering.]
[stammers.]
Hello? [nervously.]
Why don't you go fuck a soup? [menacingly.]
How 'bout I cook you like a soup? I'll simmer you and filter you through cheesecloth for stock [Neil.]
What's he saying? Then I'll add fresh vegetables and grains.
And once I'm done [softly.]
I'm going to kill you.
He says he's gonna kill me like a soup.
Should I hang up? I'm not sure what to do.
- Should I say thank you? Okay.
- [whispers.]
No, don't.
Don't.
- Thank you.
- No.
- We got to get out of here.
- Okay.
[Neil.]
Let's go to the bunk.
Come on.
Come on! [theme music playing.]
[Rhonda.]
Five, six, seven, eight! The streets That's where the action's at The streets Where everything's for sale The streets That's where you make it or break it The streets It's a blackout [Rhonda.]
All right.
Good job, chorus! - Good job! Take five.
- [game console chimes.]
All right, let's get our Billy and Roxy up here! We're gonna do the leap.
[Katie.]
Okay.
Okay.
You ready? - You gonna catch me? - Yep.
[game console chimes.]
- [piano stops.]
- Wrong! Reset, let's do it again! This is stupid! It's impossible! We just have to keep practicing.
Forget it.
I shoulda never done this to begin with.
I quit.
What? No, we can do this.
Go ahead.
Let's see what you got.
That's it, Andy! Run! Run like you always do.
Like this.
I guess Claude was right and I was wrong.
Maybe you don't have what it takes.
[all murmuring.]
Maybe for the first time in my life I'm afraid.
Then harness it.
Harness that fear.
Theater is fear.
Theater is pain.
Theater is now, and it's you.
And if there is anyone in here that does not have torments within them, well they can get the fuck out! Because I don't want to work with you! - [whispers.]
Is she always like this? - Every day.
Now you get back up on stage, you beautiful, broken son of a bitch, and you dance like your life depends on it.
Because, God damn it, it does.
Five, six, seven, eight! - [piano resumes.]
- [Andy groans.]
[Rhonda.]
Okay, front, back, front.
- [Susie breathing heavily.]
- That was inspired.
I know.
- Like Shields and Yarnell, those two.
- Mmm.
- I don't know what to do.
- Let's go.
Come on! He's coming.
He's coming here now.
- Get out! Give me the bag! - We made a horrible mistake! - Get in the bed.
Lie in bed.
- Okay.
- [knocking on door.]
- Oh, hey, Jonas.
- What's up? - Not much.
- Have you seen Victor Pulak? - No.
No, can't say I've seen him, come to think of it.
Cool.
Cool.
But I was just in the neighborhood and I thought, what the heck, off chance and just kind of maybe see if he was around here.
- [Neil.]
Yeah, sure.
- You can never tell.
May get lucky.
- I'll just mosey around here.
- [Neil.]
Yeah.
Right, right.
Maybe he is here and you just missed him.
- Maybe he's not here.
- Like A-ha! Well, if you see him, just tell him I'm looking for him.
Absolutely.
I definitely, definitely will pass that information along if I see him.
[thudding.]
- That was weird.
- What's weird? [Jonas.]
That sound.
[Neil.]
What sound? [Jonas.]
The sound of someone jumping off the rafters and scampering to the back of the cabin.
That's just a rafter rat.
I've got to talk to Mitch about that.
I think I'm gonna take a look around.
Wish that you would take a look around.
There's all this area to look around in.
Why not look at it? So much here to see.
Well, like I said, if you see him, just tell him I'm looking for him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sure, sure thing, Jonas.
Are you kidding? That's exactly what I'm gonna tell him when I see him.
You sure you're not covering for your friend? I think I'm just gonna take another look-see around.
- Victor, run! - Ahh! [Victor screaming.]
[Neil.]
Run, Victor! Godspeed, Victor Pulak.
[Gail.]
Jonas is not who he says he is.
Everything has been a lie.
[sniffles.]
My trust in the world is broken.
Is this my wedding dress? I don't know.
Is this my wedding table? I don't know.
It's like I don't even know what a wedding table is anymore, you know? [voice breaking.]
It's like maybe I never even knew.
[sobbing.]
Why don't you go talk to him, Gail? Tell him what you know and see what he says.
- I can't do that.
- Why? Because I'm a devout Mennonite, and in the Mennonite faith, a bride and a groom are not to see each other at all on the day of the nuptials.
It is writ so in the scriptures.
- But you were with him earlier today.
- No, I wasn't.
- A bunch of times.
Yeah.
- Mmm-mmm.
No, I wasn't.
- What are you saying? - We all saw you together.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And is that even true about Mennonite weddings? Look, I don't like how you're twisting my words, Froggy.
That's not fair.
Please don't do that.
There's been no twisting of words.
You know, Gail, sometimes to forgive is to set a prisoner free, only to realize that prisoner is you.
You know, when you point a finger at someone, there's three fingers pointing back at you.
Wow.
That is really true.
I never thought of that.
So, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna go through with the wedding.
[all cheering.]
[Greg.]
God, Beth, the government hired a trained killer to silence us! You sure this guy can help? Well, we need a lawyer if we're going to expose Xenstar and stop the toxic sludge from killing everyone at camp.
Okay! What can I do for ya? Parking tickets? Fender benders? Slip and fall? I'm undefeated with slip and fall cases.
Public urination, too.
Undefeated.
Down at the courthouse they call me Johnny Piss Pot.
Oh, no, sir.
This is much bigger.
We're in danger, sir.
We need your help.
We want to take on the U.
S.
Government.
The U.
S.
Government, you say? Hold all my calls.
Dinner! [indistinct chatter.]
[gasps.]
Oh, hi.
There you are.
Listen, I would love to go over some of the blocking for tonight.
Just some of the last minute changes I've been mulling over.
I would really love your input.
Wow.
You want my input? That's amazing, Mr.
Dumet.
Oh, please, just call me Mister.
Okay.
So maybe you'd be willing to, uh, have dinner with me, alone in my cabin, just the two of us? - A working dinner? - Yes.
Yes, working.
Working on the play.
- Playing.
Not working.
- [Susie chuckles.]
That sounds great, Mister.
It is my lucky day.
I'll go, uh, get the place ready, and why don't you, uh freshen up? Well, I'm young, so I'm squeaky clean.
God bless.
Hey, Coop, the rock star look really, really works for you.
- Oh, yeah? You like this stuff? - Yeah.
Cool.
And I'll wear that shirt you got me to the show tonight.
Watch out, David Lee Roth! - Cooperberg's lookin' hot! - [Coop chuckling.]
[mimics sizzling.]
- [girl.]
Hey, Jeanie.
- Hey.
I'm really glad that we finally got a chance to have some alone time.
I'd like to make a toast.
To us, and what I hope will be a wonderful summer, filled with memories, laughter, hugs, maybe some Let's do this right, shall we? Ah You know, in my country, it's considered bad luck to make a toast without real wine.
What's he doing here? I invited him.
I mean, you don't want him to eat alone, do you? No, but [sighs.]
You and I haven't even had a chance to hang out.
Coop, I must confess, I have overheard what you two saying across me, and if you want me to leave, I understand.
- [sighs.]
No, it's fine.
- Then let's drink, my friend.
No, I don't drink, 'cause I'm underage.
[laughs.]
Come on, drink.
You don't want to be a Freddy Fuddy Duddy.
You do not want to be a Freddy Who is this? - It's Freddy Fuddy Duddy.
- A Freddy Fuddy Duddy.
- Okay.
- [Donna.]
Cheers.
- [Donna.]
Mmm.
- [Yaron sighs.]
Think fast.
Hey, Katie.
Good rehearsin' today Thanks, Andy.
You, too.
Don't worry, we'll get that leap.
Oh, man.
What's in your nose? I don't know.
Do I have something? Yeah, it looks like a fart.
- [farting.]
- [J.
J.
laughing hysterically.]
[girl.]
People have their mouths open.
[J.
J.
.]
So good - It's so good.
- Whoa! [stutters.]
Hold on! Did I just see a smile come out of the great, rich and powerful Katie Finnerty? - No.
- Oh, yeah.
I see how it is.
I'm gettin' to you, Katie.
[J.
J.
gasping.]
Oh, my God.
I'll fart my way into that snatch, just you watch.
Okay.
[panting.]
Can't run forever, Victor! I'm gonna smoke you out.
Like salmon.
[grunting.]
Ow! Do you know what the strongest shape is? - Stop sign shape? - No.
The strongest shape is the triangle.
One.
Two.
Three.
Like the three stars of Shabbat.
Do you know Pythagris? He was a mathematician.
- You mean Pythagoras? - Yes, Pythagris.
Pythagris said that if hypotenuse is length C, the legs are lengths A and B, then A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared.
- Isn't this nice? - I don't understand.
Coop, the tird is not extra.
The tird is not hanging off from the side.
- Did you just say "turd"? - Coop, tonight we will be three.
You will be our tird.
It really, really sounds like he's saying turd.
[Donna.]
He's saying "third.
" Turd.
Like the what goes What happen in the toilet.
- [Donna.]
Oh.
- You will be our turd.
I guess then I misunderstood it.
- Just one more time.
- Okay.
- Give me four for nothing.
- Five, six, seven, eight.
[both.]
Zoot suit, zoot suit Z-O-O-T S-U-I-T - Reet pleat - Silk lapel [both.]
Guns-a-blazin' Straight to hell In my mind you look so cute Wrapped up with your arms around my Zoot suit Zoot, zoot suit [both laughing.]
- That's good.
That was really pretty good.
- [laughing.]
Thanks.
Yeah.
Wow! I never thought that'd be so much fun.
- It's fun.
It's fun.
- [Ben clears throat.]
- What? - What? Nothing.
- What? - What? - What? - Nothing.
What? Nothing.
- [laughing.]
One more time? - Yeah.
- Four for nothing.
- You give me four for nothing.
Five, six, seven, eight.
[both.]
Zoot suit, zoot suit [Beth.]
We didn't even finish taking out the garbage, and then we found this flyer, and now we're here talking to you.
That's a hell of a story.
I've suspected Xenstar was dirty for years now, but no one's ever been able to prove anything.
Take a look at this dot matrix printout that we have.
Wow.
This proves everything.
You may have just uncovered the biggest government conspiracy since Watergate, which was about seven years ago.
So you'll take the case? You don't want me on this case.
I told you before.
They call me Johnny Piss Pot.
This case is out of my league.
I'm small time and I'm a terrible drunk and that's all I'll ever be.
[Beth.]
You're Johnny Piss Pot.
Well, our government is taking a piss on the whole damn country.
Isn't that the public urination case of a lifetime? It won't be easy.
[Beth.]
Who said it would be? Okay.
I'll set up a meeting with Xenstar's legal team for tonight.
In the meantime, you two should lay low.
Stay out of sight, maybe change up your look.
You never know who's spying on who.
- [scissors snipping.]
- [hair clipper whirring.]
Hopefully now they won't find us.
They won't.
And I gave the clerk at the front desk fake names.
We're Mr.
and Mrs.
Archibald Doohickey.
Oh, my God! Archibald Doohickey? - I had to think of something fast.
- Archibald Doohickey is my middle name! If the government sees that, they're gonna know it's me.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
- Because you didn't ask! You don't know anything about me! Do you know why Camp Firewood is so important to me? Why? Those counselors, the cabins, the campers, the fields, the bunks It's the only family I know, other than my own family.
You're like an onion, Beth.
I just keep peeling back layers to see what's inside.
And it stings my cheeks and it makes me cry, but it tastes so good on a sandwich.
This is wrong.
I'm with Mitch.
This is wrong.
No, no, no.
He's a can of vegetables.
He doesn't have to know.
[walkie-talkie clattering.]
I keep thinking about what you told us.
About how I can fit a can of Coke into my mouth and bite it and spray Coke everywhere without hurting my gums or teeth and in the right light, you can see a rainbow in it? No, about Eric, the rock star who went to this camp a few years ago then burned out.
I wanna check out his cabin.
Will you go with me? What? For serious? No way.
That place is definitely haunted.
That's one thing I know for a fact.
I'll let you touch my boob after.
- Whoa! Which boob? - Left.
- My left or your left? - Mine.
- Nuh-uh, mine.
- That's my right boob.
Do you want me to go with you or not? Do you want to touch a boob for the first time in your life or not? Yeah, fine.
Deal.
Let's go.
You know, I'm not much of a cook, but Betty Buckley gave me this pasta recipe.
[slurping.]
Mmm.
- [chewing.]
Yummy.
- You're yummy.
I really like what you've done with the place.
Hmm.
This old thing? Well, I just brought up some bean bags and lavas from the cit-ay.
Tell me, Susie, have you ever "bean" in "lava"? - More wine? - Um [stammers.]
Uh, Claude, I feel like you and I might not be on the same page.
You know, I'm not like most girls.
I'm not some off-Broadway hussy that's gonna give you a BJ for a part.
No, no, no, no, no.
Who said that? Who said BJ? No, no, no, no, no.
You are a rare breed.
And a woman like you deserves to be praised.
You know, Susie, I would really love to help you with your theatrical career.
Oh, I would be so grateful.
Because, you know, I think that I want to be a director/choreographer.
But I'm also thinking I want to be a producer/writer/triple-threat.
I mean, I don't know if I want to be an actor, but if the right part came along - You know - Shh, Susie, shh Let's have sex now.
[chuckles.]
Claude, I'm with Ben.
I mean, not like we actually have sex You poor child.
No, it's not like that.
We both want to.
It's just we can never find the right time Shh.
Now is the right time.
I will be your Ben.
Let's get naked.
Okay.
I feel uncomfortable, but I know that you have my best interest at heart.
["Wedding March" playing.]
[vocalizing.]
Where's the groom? Oxy, oxy, oxen freeze! [knife unsheathing.]
[sniffing.]
- I gotcha! - Ahh! - [door closing.]
- Gary! Gary! Jonas has lost his mind! He's trying to kill me.
You got to hide me.
You got to hide me.
[sobbing.]
I don't want to die! - All right.
Shh! - I don't want to die! [Gary.]
Jonas.
Victor! Hey, Gar.
Victor! I know you're in here! - He's not here, Jonas.
- Gar, not now.
I gotta kill your friend Victor.
Just as soon as I find out where he's hiding.
Okay, look, I know that he prank called you - [spoon clattering.]
- but, but, but but what about Gail? Aren't you supposed to be marrying her right now? Oh, my God.
Gail! Gail! You can come out now.
[panting.]
- Did Jonas come in here? - Yeah.
I knew it.
[indistinct chatter.]
[Jonas.]
Gail! - Gail! - You made it! Is everything all right? I'm fine.
I'm more than fine.
Gail, there's something I have to tell you.
I'm not who you think I am.
It's okay, Gene Jenkinson.
I know everything already.
I saw it on the microfiche.
We don't have to talk about it.
Wow! You're so understanding.
Do you, Jonas Jurgenson I mean, Gene Jenkinson [all chuckling.]
take this woman, Gail Dana Starfield, to be your lawfully wedded wife? Boy, and how.
And do you, Gail Dana Starfield, take this man, Jonas Oop! [all laughing.]
[Gene.]
You'll get used to it.
Gene Jenkinson, to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
If anyone here soever objects, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
- [Jeff.]
Wait! Wait! - [guests gasp.]
I object.
Jeff, the city hall records clerk? I know I hardly know you, Gail.
But, uh, in the short time we've spent together, I can honestly say that I've fallen madly, passionately in love with you.
So what do you say? Give it a shot? [Gail.]
I'm sorry, Gene.
I feel like if I don't at least explore this thing with Jeff, I might never be at peace.
You understand, right? If that's what you want what you both want, then that's what you should do.
- Thank you, Gene.
- Thanks, buddy.
Let's do it! Let's get married! [all cheering.]
By the power vested in me, I now declare you and you husband and wife.
- ["Wedding March" playing.]
- [all cheering.]
- [both laughing.]
- Yay! [Gail.]
We did it! [military march playing.]
No boob is worth this.
No boob is worth this.
Ugh! Stop being such a scaredy-cat.
Eric's just a washed up rock star, he's not some monster.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God.
There it is.
- [owl hooting.]
- [J.
J.
screams.]
[sighs.]
[Lindsay.]
Was this it? The hideaway that Eric had managed to keep secret from everyone for years? Everyone, that is, except a handful of campers, and now me.
Whoa! Put your paw in the honey pot, it might just get stuck.
I think you should leave.
- I think I should stay.
- Why? Because I believe in the proto-punk genius of the Rockin' Knights of Summer.
I believe in you.
You don't believe in anything.
You're just some teenager.
Now get out! You don't have to hide anymore.
I said get out! Go back to where you came from! And don't ever come back! [pottery shattering.]
[panting.]
[rock music playing.]