Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 You don't have to hide anymore.
I said get out! And don't ever come back! Eric, the prodigal rock star.
So many questions flew through my mind.
What makes someone hide like that? And for so long? What was he afraid of? Did he still play music? Or did his music haunt him? How did he get groceries? And could I make it back to the camp before the musical? I heard Katie might have a crush on Andy, even though she's totally dating a boy from Tigerclaw.
Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Yeah, what'd you see, Eric or something? As if.
No, but seriously, what about that boob you owe me? - Come on, don't be an Indian giver.
- Get it over with.
Thanks.
We're gonna head to the musical.
Are you coming? No, I'll meet you there.
So what the heck do you know about proto-punk anyway? I know it's the past, present, and future of music.
Come with me.
I need to show you something.
Go on.
Take my hand.
I ain't gonna bite you.
Are you lonely, Camp Firewood? As the stars start to twinkle, those of you who dig a little drama with your tunes should head over to the theater, where Firewood's own stars are lighting up the night with a performance of the Broadway hit Electro-City.
The Beekeeper be keepin' it smooth as honey, spinning the records of record on WCFW.
Dancers, let's go.
You do hands, right, salute Kick, four, five Out of my way! Costumes coming through.
Opening night! The roar of the greasepaint, the creak of the floorboards, everyone backstage, alone with his demons, nervous and horny and furious.
I could eat a whole sheet cake.
Yeah! Hey, Katie, remember when I farted on you and you fell in love with me? Andy, shh! We're just about to go on stage.
Remember that? Remember how you smiled? Yes, I remember how I smiled.
I smile a lot.
I'm a smiling kind of person.
It's not a big deal.
God damn it, Katie.
Why do you have to be so high and mighty, huh? What's it like living up in the clouds, Katie? I didn't mean it that way.
What do you have for dinner up in the clouds? Filet ming-ong? You know what we have at dinner in my house? Nothin'.
Sometimes chicken.
Well, well, well.
Looks like my Katie's coming to her senses.
Homeless little pool boy's got his panties all in a bunch.
I bet he cleanses those panties with dime store detergent.
Some off-brand drab powder.
I estimate that my Katie's already on her way over to me now.
To the dance! Excuse me.
Ow! Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hi, Kevin.
Hi.
Sorry.
Can you move? Kevin, hi! Oh, Amy, hi.
Didn't see you there.
Dibs! Uh, Coop, my friend, you can sit here, your buttocks is warm and that's good, but there's empty seat right here for you.
Kevin, I think Kyle wants to, um, you know, sit with you, so - I'm good here.
- Places.
Places! Look at this.
What if I was like, visor man? Places! - How do you come up with this? - It's just improv.
It's just Places! Everybody, places! - I would literally lose my mind.
- Ben, places! Okay, I'm sorry, we're just having some fun.
- Places! - Okay.
We heard you.
Thank you.
Technically, we're in a place.
Yeah! My imma, my mother, she come from She was in play, as a child.
Right.
So, she On stage, she says, she sings.
Sing song, "Sixpence.
" It's a little chilly in here, huh? - Oh, take my sweatshirt.
- Hmm.
- No, it's okay.
I've got it.
- No, here you go.
- Wow, thanks.
- No problem.
How are you all doing? Hi! - Welcome to the show! - Shabbat shalom.
Dude, dude, dude! Right here! Right here! Dude, dude, dude! Dude, dude, dude! Retro, metro Oh my God, Reacto! Heathrow, mondo Robo-mumbo jumbo Society the rat race D-I-B-S, turdball.
That spells dibs.
Electro-City Amen, omen Who can you believe, man? He said, she said Thermo-nuclear threat White lines, black face Calculator, phone trace Electro-City Electro-City In NYC A.
K.
A.
Electro-City I think I'm gonna like it here! Yeah! Good job! Sorry we're late.
We were laying low at a hotel.
But nothing sexual happened.
We just watched TV and took naps.
Okay, now remember, let me do the talking.
The Xenstar lawyers are gonna want to cut a deal, but we don't want that.
This baby has to go to trial.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my gosh.
You're Jim Stansel? Son, you even old enough to vote? I'm old enough to take a big, fat shit on your face.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
And I'll make this real quick and easy for you, boy, 'cause I got a dinner reservation.
Your case has no merit.
The evidence is circumstantial at best, you rely on speculation, hearsay, defamation of character, libel, and slander.
And frankly, we're of half a mind to counter-sue you back into the Stone Age.
So why don't you just forget this whole thing and we can all go and enjoy our evenings? I don't think so.
I can't even see them anymore.
What are they doing? My client considers this a nuisance lawsuit.
So to make you go away, we are prepared to offer you a settlement fee in the amount of five million dollars, no more, no less.
You mean if we wanted less than five million, you'd say no? That's what I said.
It's a lot of moolah, Jimbo.
Buy yourself a lot of shaving cream to shave that little mustache off your face.
No deal.
This isn't about the money, Martinson.
This is about giving a group of young people in Waterville, Maine, a summer filled with laughter and fun, without dying from radioactive poison in the ground.
Or maybe you've forgotten what it's like to be young, Bill? Oh, shit.
I enjoyed the speech, Jim and if you're ever on the lecture circuit, I'll be sure to get some tickets for me and my friends, but as for tonight, I'm getting kind of hungry.
We have a deal or not? Nah.
We do not.
We'll see you later tonight in court.
Jim Stansel, are you insane? Quite the opposite.
I've just got nothing to lose.
That doesn't make me insane, it makes me dangerous.
Dangerous is not the opposite of insane.
Oh, really? Well, what's the opposite of insane then, professor? - Sane.
- No, no, no, no.
The opposite of insane is It's sane.
- I think he's right.
- You wanna get off me? You're under arrest for murder.
- But I didn't do it.
- Tell it to the judge! Mama, are you proud of me? You taught me well Now I'm in jail It's the end of the dream Inside my cell Will justice prevail? Take a look at me now Cross-examination, Mr.
Stansel? Yes, thank you, Your Honor.
Mr.
Fleck, isn't it true that you were given a lucrative pension by Xenstar - in exchange for your silence? - Objection, irrelevant.
Sustained.
Mr.
Stansel, you are treading on thin ice.
What's going on? I'm sorry for letting you down, Beth, but I can't do this.
Sometimes Goliath does win.
- Counselor? - Yes? I meant Mr.
Stansel.
Are you proceeding? No further questions, Your Honor.
Zoot suit, zoot suit Z-O-O-T S-U-I-T - Reet pleat - Silk lapel Guns-a-blazin', straight to hell In my mind you look so cute Wrapped up with your arms around my zoot suit Zoot, zoot suit! Intermission! Some first half.
- How are you liking it? - It's good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's our first date as a married couple.
- And also, ever.
- Yeah.
Hey, Gail.
Hi Gene.
- It feels weird to call you that now.
- Yeah.
It's gonna take some getting used to.
- You look great.
- So do you.
I like your whole bandana and the beard and the half shirt.
It's very different.
- Oh, this is my husband, Jeff.
- Hey, Jeff, yeah! - We met at the wedding earlier today.
- Yeah.
Still doing the, uh, arts And crafts.
Yeah.
Still doing that.
And what about you? Are you still Still cooking away.
You know, same old thing.
- I should probably get going.
- Yeah.
You take care of her, okay? I will.
And that's a promise.
- He's a nice guy.
- Yeah.
Penny for your thoughts? Jeff, I'm just thinking Ah, it's stupid.
Gail, we're married now.
We tell each other everything.
It's just, I didn't know Gene.
But I really don't know you.
- Can't argue with that.
- I guess I'm just feeling like I don't know if I'm really ready for this.
- Gail.
We can work it out.
- No, we can't.
I don't think we can.
I think I want a divorce.
Yeah.
It's the right thing to do.
Are you upset? I'm just bummed that we never had the chance to consummate the marriage.
So, break-up sex? - Yeah, come on.
- Shriek! You're the only person who's heard this since we recorded it back in '74.
- What do you think? - It's so there, sonically.
The counter melody orchestrations between the lead and bass guitar, the decision to switch to a 9/8 time signature for the pre-chorus.
Eric you're a genius.
Yeah? Well, genius is a curse, Lindsay.
I've got all this poetry inside of me, but it's all locked up.
My music is in a prison of my own making.
What am I left with? Nothing.
- But the music is inside of you.
- Where? Right here.
Where it's always been.
Beating.
Beating inside you.
It doesn't matter.
Been slamming my head against the wall on this song for years.
Something's not right.
I just can't crack it.
Try this.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- You hear it? - I hear it.
Two minutes! Thank you, two minutes! Listen, Andy, have you seen my glitter vest? Because I can't find it anywhere.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, hey.
I think it's going really well.
- I think so, too.
Hey, can we talk? I kind of have to tell you something.
I have to tell you something, too.
- You first.
- You first.
Okay, let's say it at the same time.
On three.
- Okay.
- One, two, three.
I cheated on you.
What? With whom? Okay, why don't we just say with whom on three? One, two, three.
With whom? Okay, let's just actually say who we did it with - on three.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
- McKinley.
- Claude Dumet.
What? I thought he was gay.
I thought he was straight.
Okay, no big deal.
I hooked up with a dirty old man, you hooked up with McKinley.
We all make mistakes.
We can come back from this I think I'm in love with him.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, Susie.
I had no idea until I put on the zoot suit.
- Oh, that's okay.
- It is? That's fine.
That's totally fine.
Still friends? - Of course.
Friends? Yes, definitely.
- Okay! Oh, my God, you're the best.
Okay! There's a trial going on in there! You can't just leave! People's lives are at stake! - We're depending on you.
- There's no hope.
We gave it our best shot, and it wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry, Beth.
Your camp and every man, woman, and child there is going to die, but there's nothing I can do about it.
It sucks.
Wait! Wait! There's one last piece of evidence.
This is great! Thanks! Am I gonna die? Give it to me straight, counselor.
Not on my watch.
I'm gonna do whatever it takes.
Even if I have to file 1,000 appeals! Good.
'Cause I'm not afraid of dying.
But I am afraid of losing you.
Why are you so mean to me? Hey, I'm just tellin' it like I see it.
That's all.
Love is the only sentence You will ever serve If love is a crime Then 40 to forever is the sentence I deserve You're a real jerk, you know that? You know, why don't you just sing the goddamn song, you stupid I feel the spark! I feel the spark! - Jerk.
- Bitch.
I feel the spark! It's so remarkable These sparks Of love Oh, another summer humdinger of a TigerForm.
Hi, boys.
Hi, Blake.
Looking tidy in seersucker.
Where's your little fox? The town to your country? Or maybe you're the town to her coun try.
Her country.
Because of cunt.
Where's Katie? - She'll be here.
- Aw.
You're still waiting for her, huh? Well, if anything changes, and you're looking to dangle a chewier piece of candy on your arm, you know where to find me.
Whitney, did you monogram your dress? You little bitch! Wow! I remember a time when none of Blake McCarthy's girls would dare keep him waiting.
Warned you about what happens when you go digging in the trash, Blake.
You end up with trash all over your hands.
And arms.
All couples to the dance floor, post haste.
Huzzah! A foxtrot! Hey, Judge! Wait! I've got these to show.
Now what is this mockery? Objection, Your Honor! Overruled.
I'll allow it.
These are the disks that contain all the evidence against Xenstar.
Evidence, you say? I'll allow that.
Let me In light of the new evidence just presented, the court finds Xenstar guilty on all counts! And I'm hereby ordering them to clean all of the toxic sludge out of the woods next to Camp Firewood.
Not too shabby, Jim.
You pulled it off.
Hey, why don't you drop by the club on Sunday? We could use a fourth.
Sorry, Martinson, I won't be able to make it.
I'm busy that day.
Well played, Jim.
Well played.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- You did it.
Let the client know we're going to Plan B.
Call Falcon and mobilize the troops.
These bastards have no idea who they're dealing with.
Excuse me.
What is that metal thing in your hand? Oh, nothing.
Never mind.
Death row boogie Flip this switch and you're gonna fry Boogie woogie! Boogie woogie! Jethro's puppy Dicky pickle eat a French fry Chocolate cookie Ain't life funny Boogie woogie you're gonna fry Wait! It's the governor! He says, "Execute him!" No! Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
Unexpected.
Yes, I am dead Yes, I'm a ghost But I still got the one thing I wanted the most It's you! Feel the spark! It's you! Feel the spark! Forever Electro-City! The big leap! I'm scared.
Don't be! I'll support you.
Yeah! I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch! Let's go! Oh, my God.
Electro-City is such a cruel place to live.
Yes, you cracked it! You cracked You cracked me.
My editor warned me not to get too close to the story.
But I was becoming the story.
It was time to go.
Lindsay, the song, it's finally finished.
Lindsay! Lindsay! Bravo! The show went off without a hitch! - It really did.
- So, listen.
My revival of Dreamcoat is gonna be at the Winter Garden.
So I'm gonna need a new assistant.
Will you do it? I can't go with you to New York.
You're joking, right? My place is here, at Camp Firewood.
And besides, I'm 16 years old.
Our relationship is completely inappropriate.
- Andy! Katie! Andy! Katie! - Come on! Don't worry.
Someday you're gonna make an underage girl very happy.
That's sweet.
See ya around, kid.
That was incredible.
I've never felt like that before.
- You were awesome! - You were awesome! Look, my heart is beating out of my chest.
You feel it? Here, mine is, too.
Feel it! Feel it.
That's just acting though, right? I mean none of that was real.
I mean, you got a boyfriend and I'm just some guy who farts in your face and makes you smile.
Right.
Like you said, it was just acting.
Katie! Andy! Katie! They're calling for us.
We should probably go back out there, right? Yeah.
Um I guess that's what actors do.
They play the part, right? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
The case today wasn't about big versus little or right versus wrong.
It was about believing in yourself.
And I wasn't alone up there.
I couldn't have done this without the help of - Without the help of who, Mr.
Stansel? - Well, let's just say three friends I'll never forget.
Are you talking about your brain, your heart and your courage, sir? Bit of a presumptive leap, but, yes, and you can put that on the record.
What's next for the hottest lawyer of the year? Folks, stop, please.
You're making me blush.
I'm moderately attractive at best.
Our work here is done.
We've got to get back to camp.
I can't wait to tell Mitch and Gene the good news.
Look at Jim.
I'm so proud of him.
Mr.
Stansel? Mr.
Stansel? I have time for one last question.
Jim! Not programmed to compute death.
- I feel cold.
- I'm right here.
I'm right here.
Beth, you saved the camp.
Now save the can.