Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e07 Episode Script
Staff Party
1 - [indistinct chatter.]
- [girl.]
Katie is amazing! [boy 1.]
McKinley and Ben were so good.
[boy 2.]
I can't believe Andy is so talented.
- Hey! - Hey! - "Zoot Suit" killed.
- Oh, I know! Listen, um, do you wanna go to the staff party together? The staff party? I'll already be there.
I'm DJing the staff party.
I'm DJ Ski Mask.
- You're DJ Ski Mask.
- Yeah.
Do you wanna be my date? - Yeah.
- Awesome.
- Okay, I'll see you there.
- Okay.
- Or I could pick you up.
- What? I could pick you up before.
We can walk there.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
- I'll be in my bunk.
- Okay, I'll have the mask on.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Where's your bunk? - I'm right behind the lake house.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll see you there? - Okay.
- Okay.
And you'll wear the mask.
- Right here.
Goodbye! - Okay.
[theme music playing.]
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, my fellow campers.
It tolls for thee.
It's 10:00 p.
m.
, and you know what that means.
Lights out.
Time for every camper to be in their bunk, while the staff party's just heating up.
As for me, I'll be burning the midnight oil.
Think of me as your night watchman.
Oh, my God, Arty, are you still in here? Shh! Ten bells and all is well.
Sleep tight, Camp Firewood.
And sweet dreams.
Arty, come on, bedtime.
I could get in a lot of trouble.
Also, I'm late for the party.
Can you give me ten more minutes? Whoo! Look at you in that monkey suit, you handsome devil! Yeah? Do I look okay? - Shari will be here any minute.
- Shari? Shari, my girlfriend from high school, Vic.
Come on, man! Oh, right, hey, Shari.
You know what, man, you look like a million bucks.
You're actually gonna give me a run for my money tonight.
- What do you mean? - The virginity bet, remember? Yeah, look, Victor.
I know we made the bet, but I gotta tell you, Shari's not like the girls here.
I mean, she's like a good girl.
She doesn't put out.
Neil, it is definitely time for you to get your dong in a thong.
Okay? And, uh, there's gonna be a keg at the party tonight, - so she's definitely gonna be in the mood.
- Yeah.
Who you gonna go for tonight? - That's a good question.
- Yeah! That's a really good question.
I mean, the list goes on and on.
- To the break of dawn.
- Shit.
Shit.
No, it really depends on who dings my dong first.
It's like, "Bing-bong! Who's there?" "Ooh, two of us at once!" "Hey, take it easy, ladies.
Get in line, okay? I only got so many balls to pass around.
One, two.
That's it!" Yeah, Vic, you really are the man! Yeah, just terrific stuff.
It's spot on stuff.
I'm gonna give you a little tip.
- This is aftershave.
All right? - Okay.
Ladies love it when your junk smells good.
Ooh, I didn't know that.
- Watch this.
- Okay.
- The more the better.
- Yeah? [Victor.]
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
That's a lot.
Oof.
I can smell that.
- Your turn.
- Okay.
[shaking bottle.]
Like this? Little bit more, you gotta make it sting.
[wincing.]
There you go.
There you go.
- [groaning loudly.]
- There you go.
[Neil.]
Oh, God, it stings.
Hey.
- Vic! - There you go.
- Vic! Oh, my God! - There you go.
[grunting loudly.]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I can't write the story, Alan.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't have a choice here, Lindsay.
I've already prepped the advertisers, they're expecting a big summer camp story.
These people are my friends.
I've known them for 12 hours.
I can't hurt them! I won't.
I warned you not to get too close, didn't I? - I warned you! - I know.
I know.
- You're a professional! - Yes, I remember.
Well, then act like it and call in the story, pronto! Print deadline is midnight tonight! - [upbeat music playing.]
- [Ben.]
Hey, party people in the house! It's me, DJ Ski Mask, otherwise known as Ben, the theater counselor.
It's me! Here we go! [woman.]
Hey, Katie.
[indistinct talking.]
Hey! You wanna dance? [scoffs.]
Jesus, Katie.
You know, first you blow me off, then you wanna hang out.
You're like hot and sour soup.
Hot, then sour.
Hot, then sour.
You know, life isn't like a Chinese restaurant, Katie.
And there's sure as hell a lot more things on the menu besides hot and sour soup.
Why don't you try some moo shu pork for once in your life, Katie? You never know.
You might just like the way it tastes.
You look so beautiful tonight, Shari.
I'm so happy you're here.
Oh, I'm nervous.
I've never been to a beer party before.
What if your camp friends don't like me? Are you kidding? They're gonna love you.
I'm worried you're not gonna like them.
[Victor.]
I wanna dip my balls in it! They can be a bit raunchy sometimes.
Well, I can be a bit raunchy sometimes, too.
Eat my pussy, Mr.
Shit Cock Fucker.
[giggling.]
I can't believe I said that! - I said it! - [laughing.]
God! You are amazing! Hey, Zach, I'm feeling a little Livvy John tonight.
I'm gonna get physical with those two ladies.
[girl.]
Can we help you? But I'm gonna do it later.
They seem to [Rhonda.]
Hey, you.
- Hey.
- I saw you looking at me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't [stammering.]
No, I was just checking to see if everybody was having a good time at the party.
I didn't I wasn't intended [laughs awkwardly.]
I wasn't I wasn't My point was is I wasn't focused in on you.
So do you like what you see here or what? Sure, sure.
Yeah, yes, yes.
[chuckles.]
So, what's your story, Mr.
Thing? Are you like big man on campus here or what? [scoffs.]
Uh, yeah, whatever, you know.
It's like I'm adventure counselor.
And, you know, I like to party.
I like to have a good time.
So, you know, stuff like that.
What do you do for fun, huh? You know, like, pretty much, you know, like Like, fucking and stuff like that.
You know, I could show you if you want.
- Sure.
- Really? - I mean, that's cool, right? - Yeah! Yeah.
So cool.
You know, it's like, I mean, I do it all the time, so why should tonight be any different? You're cute, kid.
I like you.
[Coop chuckles.]
Cool.
[Katie.]
Hey! Oh, wow.
Coop, what are you wearing? Coop! Really going for it! Yeah.
Yaron lent me the earring and the vest, and Donna gave me the shirt.
- I think it looks rad.
- Oh, thanks.
Actually, it's not red.
It's more maroon.
Anyway, what do you do? What about you? What do you do? Oh, I'm a choreographer.
But, like, my real passion is playwriting.
In fact, I have a play, Woman, Wine, and Why the World Is Round, which is world premiering at Westbeth, so pretty excited.
I love that place.
The West The [cup clatters.]
Kid, you wanna make it with me or what? - Yes, yes.
Sure.
As always, as always.
- Oh, yeah? All right.
Well, I'm gonna go freshen up and then I'm gonna meet you in your bunk in 30 minutes.
And I don't know where you been, so bring a prophylactic or two.
Or four.
[stammers.]
Rubbers.
Rubbers! Hey, guys, this is my girlfriend from home, Shari.
- Hi.
- It's really nice to meet you, Shari.
Yeah, welcome to Camp Firewood.
What's ours is yours! - Aren't they great? - So nice! How long you thinking about hanging around camp? - Oh.
As long as Neil lets me! - [both laughing.]
[in funny accent.]
I think I'll keep her.
Neil's a terrific guy.
- Oh, gosh, he is the best.
- Neil's a terrific guy.
[Gary.]
Ask anybody.
Yeah, ask anybody here at camp.
We just hold him in such high regard.
- [Gary.]
He is the cream of the crop.
- Cream of the crop.
- [Shari.]
So complimentary.
- Can't do much better.
You could do worse.
[Coop.]
Yeah, that's for sure.
But you I know specifically cannot do better than him.
Rubbers.
Rubbers.
Prophyls.
Get some prophyls.
Prophyls.
- [gasping.]
- Can I help you, mister? Yes.
Um [stuttering.]
May I have a - a comb and a TV Guide, please? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
And I'll take this keychain.
- Yeah.
- And what else? A deck of cards, probably need one of those.
Yeah.
[Victor.]
Okay, can I get the [clerk.]
All right.
Condoms and the lube, please? Hold on, please, I gotta ask the manager about a price here.
- Wait, no, no, no! - Tony? No, no, no, no, no.
Tony, how much for the keychain? Stop! I don't [laughs awkwardly.]
It's not for me, I swear.
Okay? I don't even have keys.
No, I just want the rubbers and the lube and I don't care about any of this.
- What's the cost on the keychain - Stop it! Don't, don't, don't! Tony, the guy wants to buy a keychain.
How much? I don't want it.
I don't want the keychain! Yeah, right.
It's for a friend.
The keychain's for a friend.
And what's the price on the TV Guide? Just give me the rubbers and the lube and I'll be on my way, okay? I also need a price on the cards - Ah! Don't - And a comb Oh, just give me the condoms and the fucking lube! Okay? Keychain! What a pervert! - [Andy playing guitar.]
- [all.]
Yeah! [man.]
Andy! We want it all Our time is coming soon [girl.]
Strum that thing! We walk it off A-whistlin' our tune Thunder in our heads Flowers in our beds I saw you [all vocalizing.]
Oh, I am a wolf [all vocalizing.]
Way out in the woods [all vocalizing.]
And you are the moon All right, last paragraph.
- Mmm-hmm.
- "Maybe it's true what they say.
Teenagers are archetypes.
If so, they were all here.
The nice guy, the popular girl, the rebel, the goody-goody, the ladies' man, the sweetheart, the theater kid, the flirt, the sidekick, the wild man, the jock, um, that guy.
No, I've never seen her before.
Weird Al Yankovic, and finally, the one I fell in love with.
" Last sentence.
"Everyone was represented at Camp Firewood.
And everyone was welcome, [voice breaking.]
including me.
" It's a heck of a story, dear.
Real gonzo stuff.
But why are you crying? Just file it, please.
I really love your friends, Neil.
They're wonderful.
[Neil.]
This is perfect.
[Shari.]
It is.
[chuckling.]
[softly.]
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
[mouthing.]
No.
[softly.]
I don't understand.
I'm sorry.
[Shari.]
Sorry for what? [all imitating buzzer.]
[all chanting.]
You're a pig! You're a pig! You're a big fat sloppy old pig! You've got lice! You pick boogers! You're a big fat sloppy old pig! [all vocalizing.]
Big pig! [imitating pig.]
- Big pig! - [all laughing.]
God damn it, guys.
What are you guys doing? - What is wrong with you people? - [Shari sobbing.]
Shari! Shari! Wait, Shari! [boys.]
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
[Abby.]
Okay, everybody, here are the rules for seven minutes in heaven.
Okay, you pick a name out of a hat, and then you go in the closet for seven full minutes.
You can do whatever you feel like, but at the bare minimum, you must make out.
[all laughing.]
Oh, wait a minute, someone has to be the timer.
Oh, Kevin will do it.
He's not gonna make out with anybody anyway.
- I might.
- No, you won't.
[Abby.]
Okay, so I'm gonna draw a name, and the person I'm going into the closet for seven minutes of heaven is Kyle! [Kyle mouthing.]
[all.]
Ooh! Let's go.
Start the timer.
- [Yaron.]
To us! - Yeah.
Cheers.
There's an empty room over there.
Let's go fill it up, huh? [Coop.]
Uh Sure.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Hi, Coop.
Hi, Gail.
Have you met my husband Jeff? Or, I mean, my ex-husband.
[giggling.]
- Nice to meet you all.
- Good to meet you, too.
Ex, I have to get used to saying "ex," my ex.
What are we We're going in here? [boy.]
How much longer? Okay, that's time.
Okay [chuckling.]
Yup.
Next up.
- Amy, are you ready? - Okay.
Um - Kevin.
- [all.]
Ooh! [Abby.]
Oh, wait, no, you cheated.
You looked at it.
No, no, no.
The person you're gonna go with is Drew.
[laughing.]
Yes! Sweet! Yeah, man! Oh, shit! Sorry, Blue Balls.
I Yeah.
Amy, wait! Yeah? Amy, ever since the first moment I saw you, I've felt a strong connection between us.
At first, I tried to act like Joe Blow Mr.
Cool, but as I've gotten to know you better, my affection towards you has only intensified.
I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't go in that closet for seven minutes of heaven with Drew.
But instead, spend seven billion minutes of life with me.
What I'm really trying to say is will you be my girlfriend, Amy? Oh, sorry.
I think you're really sweet, Kevin, but I don't like you like that.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna go in here now.
Yeah, start timing us, d-bag.
You should time Yeah.
[Yaron.]
Okay, Coop, Donna, here we are.
Man and woman.
Hey, wait! Stop! Stop it! - What? - I mean, you're crossing a line.
What is it, Coop? Because she is your girlfriend? Yes, exactly.
She's my girlfriend.
- Then you kiss her.
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
Coop, it's okay.
Fine.
No, Coop, Coop, when you kiss her, you must kiss her with passion.
When you kiss Donna, you must kiss her from the waist.
Okay? So it's, it's Stop! Both of you.
What's going on here? Why the discomfort, Coop? We are living, so we should be alive.
- These are our stories.
- [Donna.]
These are our bodies.
The tongue in the mouth can mean so many things.
- It can mean hello.
- [Donna.]
Or, it can mean goodbye.
- It can mean peace.
- Peace.
Coop.
What? This is the true meaning of kibbutz, of community, of kehillah.
Now, kiss Donna.
Yeah.
Enough of this, okay? - Stop! I don't want to do this anymore! - Wait, Coop! Coop, wait! - Ugh.
- What's wrong? You know, I was so excited to see you again, all year, but it's like I don't even know who you are anymore.
I mean, you smoke, you tried to get me to be in some weird threesome.
It's like you want me to be someone else! I'm sick of it! And I look ridiculous.
It's like, who wears this stuff? I think you look rad.
Donna, are you coming? I cannot stay hard for much longer.
Although I'm happy to try.
- Go.
- Coop, don't be like that.
Here.
Take this.
It looks better on you anyway.
[both moaning.]
Okay.
You got protection? Uh Oh, yes! Yes.
Yes! - Come on! - Just gonna - All right.
All right.
- How do ya get it out? - This is like a Rubik's Cube.
- All right.
- How do ya - Okay.
- Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, there we go! - There you go.
This is - Just break that open.
- All right.
And Here we - Just - All right.
Here we - [popping.]
- Oh - All right, that one's not good.
- I don't know.
Ow! Shit.
Okay.
Oh, I got a little lint on that one.
Okay, I got it.
- You all right? - Yeah, no, no, I'm good.
I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
I just got I'm super fine, as a matter of fact, okay? Let me just read the [stammers.]
Let me read the instructions here, just double-check.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, got it.
Oh, I see.
You're a virgin.
What? No! What're you talking about? Just not a lot of girls ask me to wear a condom, okay? It's Hey, kid, it's okay.
I know it's okay, all right? Just let me get it on.
I mean, "Are you okay?" is the question, you know.
Hey! Hey, hey, come on! All right.
You're a virgin.
It's not a big deal.
This is not how I imagined this moment.
That's 'cause it's not that moment, you know? But when it is, it's gonna be great.
And you know what? You're gonna be glad you waited.
Oh, thanks.
You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you? You can tell people you made it with me if you want.
I like to appear unstable.
[phone ringing.]
Camp Firewood Infirmary.
Hey, Nancy! It's your old pal, Glen.
Glen Jarvis, from nursing school? Glen! How are you? You still knocking 'em dead over at the St.
Peter's ICU? No, actually, I switched gears a few years back, and now I'm working as a typesetter over at Rock & Roll World magazine.
Oh, exciting! That must be fun.
I got something here I think you might be interested in.
- You got a fax machine? - You are so sweet, Glen, but I'm not interested, because I already have a fax machine.
Right, no.
What's your fax number? J.
J.
, look at this fax I just got.
How could she do this to us? She's a rock journalist? I thought she was our friend.
What a total Benedict Arnold! Where is she? [gasps.]
Hey, guys.
I was just going on a beer run.
So anybody want anything? Well, I could go for a six-pack of my counselor friend Lindsay, but apparently she doesn't exist! I trusted you with my diaphragm.
- Nancy, J.
J.
, I can explain.
I - [J.
J.
.]
Oh, really? Because it looks like you were just leaving, pronto.
As in, get the fuck out of here.
[Lindsay.]
No, guys [J.
J.
.]
You heard me, Lindsay.
[Lindsay.]
Just Please.
[J.
J.
.]
No, shut up! Get the fuck out! [voice breaking.]
Please, don't! You're my best friends.
Friends don't sell each other out.
Friends don't pretend to be somebody they're not.
Friends don't pretend they're not music journalists and then write stories in major national print magazines.
[Lindsay.]
You're right.
Friends don't do those things.
Reporters do.
Every day for the last five years, I've been selling out, lying, sniveling, groveling, backstabbing! And for what? To get that one big story.
Well, I got it.
Finally.
Right here at Camp Firewood.
But I got something I didn't expect, too.
I got all of you.
And you gotta believe me that I would trade every birthday party with Steven Tyler, every bump of coke I did with the Oak Ridge Boys, every blowjob I gave to every member of the Little River Band, if I could just stay here with you.
But I can't stay, because I'm a 24-year-old reporter.
[sighs.]
[scrunching.]
[squishing.]
J.
J.
You.
Eric.
Eric Blood-sucker.
[grunts.]
[yells.]
[pottery shattering.]
No! You Don't you walk away from me! What? What do you want from me, Katie? I wanna know why you're so mad at me! Because you said that that kiss on stage tonight was just acting.
Well, it wasn't for me.
For me, it was real.
Those weren't Billy the Convict from Indiana's lips kissing your lips on stage tonight.
Those were Andy's lips.
Those were my lips.
And don't even try and tell me that those were hard-nosed Electro-City DA, Pamela Needlehoffer's lips kissing my lips, those were Katie's lips, A.
K.
A.
your lips.
The only reason that I said that I was acting was because you said you were acting first! - No, I didn't! - Yes, you did! - Hardly.
- You said it and then I said it.
Then you said it again.
- You're imagining things.
Bullshit! - I know what I saw.
- And then we bowed.
- Oh, right! Really? - Then why am I so mad at you? - You're not.
- I'm not? - No.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sweet.
[all cheering and whooping.]
[band playing upbeat jazz.]
- Silence! - [music stops.]
Look at you! All of you! Dancing! Laughing! Across that lake, those miscreants at Camp Firewood are plotting against us! [all gasping.]
They're desecrating our values, stealing our women - [all murmuring.]
- and putting into peril the code of honor that we at Tigerclaw have worked so hard to establish! [man.]
Yes, yes.
Now, there is a time to stand by and there is a time to say, "No more.
" And right now, my friends, we must say, "No more!" - [shouting.]
Now, who's with me? - [all.]
We are! - And we are? - [all.]
Camp Tigerclaw! - We are? - [all.]
Camp Tigerclaw! - [yelling.]
We are? - [all.]
Camp Tragerclow! [all yelling and chanting.]
Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! [sentimental music playing.]
- [girl.]
Katie is amazing! [boy 1.]
McKinley and Ben were so good.
[boy 2.]
I can't believe Andy is so talented.
- Hey! - Hey! - "Zoot Suit" killed.
- Oh, I know! Listen, um, do you wanna go to the staff party together? The staff party? I'll already be there.
I'm DJing the staff party.
I'm DJ Ski Mask.
- You're DJ Ski Mask.
- Yeah.
Do you wanna be my date? - Yeah.
- Awesome.
- Okay, I'll see you there.
- Okay.
- Or I could pick you up.
- What? I could pick you up before.
We can walk there.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
- I'll be in my bunk.
- Okay, I'll have the mask on.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Where's your bunk? - I'm right behind the lake house.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll see you there? - Okay.
- Okay.
And you'll wear the mask.
- Right here.
Goodbye! - Okay.
[theme music playing.]
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, my fellow campers.
It tolls for thee.
It's 10:00 p.
m.
, and you know what that means.
Lights out.
Time for every camper to be in their bunk, while the staff party's just heating up.
As for me, I'll be burning the midnight oil.
Think of me as your night watchman.
Oh, my God, Arty, are you still in here? Shh! Ten bells and all is well.
Sleep tight, Camp Firewood.
And sweet dreams.
Arty, come on, bedtime.
I could get in a lot of trouble.
Also, I'm late for the party.
Can you give me ten more minutes? Whoo! Look at you in that monkey suit, you handsome devil! Yeah? Do I look okay? - Shari will be here any minute.
- Shari? Shari, my girlfriend from high school, Vic.
Come on, man! Oh, right, hey, Shari.
You know what, man, you look like a million bucks.
You're actually gonna give me a run for my money tonight.
- What do you mean? - The virginity bet, remember? Yeah, look, Victor.
I know we made the bet, but I gotta tell you, Shari's not like the girls here.
I mean, she's like a good girl.
She doesn't put out.
Neil, it is definitely time for you to get your dong in a thong.
Okay? And, uh, there's gonna be a keg at the party tonight, - so she's definitely gonna be in the mood.
- Yeah.
Who you gonna go for tonight? - That's a good question.
- Yeah! That's a really good question.
I mean, the list goes on and on.
- To the break of dawn.
- Shit.
Shit.
No, it really depends on who dings my dong first.
It's like, "Bing-bong! Who's there?" "Ooh, two of us at once!" "Hey, take it easy, ladies.
Get in line, okay? I only got so many balls to pass around.
One, two.
That's it!" Yeah, Vic, you really are the man! Yeah, just terrific stuff.
It's spot on stuff.
I'm gonna give you a little tip.
- This is aftershave.
All right? - Okay.
Ladies love it when your junk smells good.
Ooh, I didn't know that.
- Watch this.
- Okay.
- The more the better.
- Yeah? [Victor.]
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
That's a lot.
Oof.
I can smell that.
- Your turn.
- Okay.
[shaking bottle.]
Like this? Little bit more, you gotta make it sting.
[wincing.]
There you go.
There you go.
- [groaning loudly.]
- There you go.
[Neil.]
Oh, God, it stings.
Hey.
- Vic! - There you go.
- Vic! Oh, my God! - There you go.
[grunting loudly.]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I can't write the story, Alan.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't have a choice here, Lindsay.
I've already prepped the advertisers, they're expecting a big summer camp story.
These people are my friends.
I've known them for 12 hours.
I can't hurt them! I won't.
I warned you not to get too close, didn't I? - I warned you! - I know.
I know.
- You're a professional! - Yes, I remember.
Well, then act like it and call in the story, pronto! Print deadline is midnight tonight! - [upbeat music playing.]
- [Ben.]
Hey, party people in the house! It's me, DJ Ski Mask, otherwise known as Ben, the theater counselor.
It's me! Here we go! [woman.]
Hey, Katie.
[indistinct talking.]
Hey! You wanna dance? [scoffs.]
Jesus, Katie.
You know, first you blow me off, then you wanna hang out.
You're like hot and sour soup.
Hot, then sour.
Hot, then sour.
You know, life isn't like a Chinese restaurant, Katie.
And there's sure as hell a lot more things on the menu besides hot and sour soup.
Why don't you try some moo shu pork for once in your life, Katie? You never know.
You might just like the way it tastes.
You look so beautiful tonight, Shari.
I'm so happy you're here.
Oh, I'm nervous.
I've never been to a beer party before.
What if your camp friends don't like me? Are you kidding? They're gonna love you.
I'm worried you're not gonna like them.
[Victor.]
I wanna dip my balls in it! They can be a bit raunchy sometimes.
Well, I can be a bit raunchy sometimes, too.
Eat my pussy, Mr.
Shit Cock Fucker.
[giggling.]
I can't believe I said that! - I said it! - [laughing.]
God! You are amazing! Hey, Zach, I'm feeling a little Livvy John tonight.
I'm gonna get physical with those two ladies.
[girl.]
Can we help you? But I'm gonna do it later.
They seem to [Rhonda.]
Hey, you.
- Hey.
- I saw you looking at me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't [stammering.]
No, I was just checking to see if everybody was having a good time at the party.
I didn't I wasn't intended [laughs awkwardly.]
I wasn't I wasn't My point was is I wasn't focused in on you.
So do you like what you see here or what? Sure, sure.
Yeah, yes, yes.
[chuckles.]
So, what's your story, Mr.
Thing? Are you like big man on campus here or what? [scoffs.]
Uh, yeah, whatever, you know.
It's like I'm adventure counselor.
And, you know, I like to party.
I like to have a good time.
So, you know, stuff like that.
What do you do for fun, huh? You know, like, pretty much, you know, like Like, fucking and stuff like that.
You know, I could show you if you want.
- Sure.
- Really? - I mean, that's cool, right? - Yeah! Yeah.
So cool.
You know, it's like, I mean, I do it all the time, so why should tonight be any different? You're cute, kid.
I like you.
[Coop chuckles.]
Cool.
[Katie.]
Hey! Oh, wow.
Coop, what are you wearing? Coop! Really going for it! Yeah.
Yaron lent me the earring and the vest, and Donna gave me the shirt.
- I think it looks rad.
- Oh, thanks.
Actually, it's not red.
It's more maroon.
Anyway, what do you do? What about you? What do you do? Oh, I'm a choreographer.
But, like, my real passion is playwriting.
In fact, I have a play, Woman, Wine, and Why the World Is Round, which is world premiering at Westbeth, so pretty excited.
I love that place.
The West The [cup clatters.]
Kid, you wanna make it with me or what? - Yes, yes.
Sure.
As always, as always.
- Oh, yeah? All right.
Well, I'm gonna go freshen up and then I'm gonna meet you in your bunk in 30 minutes.
And I don't know where you been, so bring a prophylactic or two.
Or four.
[stammers.]
Rubbers.
Rubbers! Hey, guys, this is my girlfriend from home, Shari.
- Hi.
- It's really nice to meet you, Shari.
Yeah, welcome to Camp Firewood.
What's ours is yours! - Aren't they great? - So nice! How long you thinking about hanging around camp? - Oh.
As long as Neil lets me! - [both laughing.]
[in funny accent.]
I think I'll keep her.
Neil's a terrific guy.
- Oh, gosh, he is the best.
- Neil's a terrific guy.
[Gary.]
Ask anybody.
Yeah, ask anybody here at camp.
We just hold him in such high regard.
- [Gary.]
He is the cream of the crop.
- Cream of the crop.
- [Shari.]
So complimentary.
- Can't do much better.
You could do worse.
[Coop.]
Yeah, that's for sure.
But you I know specifically cannot do better than him.
Rubbers.
Rubbers.
Prophyls.
Get some prophyls.
Prophyls.
- [gasping.]
- Can I help you, mister? Yes.
Um [stuttering.]
May I have a - a comb and a TV Guide, please? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
And I'll take this keychain.
- Yeah.
- And what else? A deck of cards, probably need one of those.
Yeah.
[Victor.]
Okay, can I get the [clerk.]
All right.
Condoms and the lube, please? Hold on, please, I gotta ask the manager about a price here.
- Wait, no, no, no! - Tony? No, no, no, no, no.
Tony, how much for the keychain? Stop! I don't [laughs awkwardly.]
It's not for me, I swear.
Okay? I don't even have keys.
No, I just want the rubbers and the lube and I don't care about any of this.
- What's the cost on the keychain - Stop it! Don't, don't, don't! Tony, the guy wants to buy a keychain.
How much? I don't want it.
I don't want the keychain! Yeah, right.
It's for a friend.
The keychain's for a friend.
And what's the price on the TV Guide? Just give me the rubbers and the lube and I'll be on my way, okay? I also need a price on the cards - Ah! Don't - And a comb Oh, just give me the condoms and the fucking lube! Okay? Keychain! What a pervert! - [Andy playing guitar.]
- [all.]
Yeah! [man.]
Andy! We want it all Our time is coming soon [girl.]
Strum that thing! We walk it off A-whistlin' our tune Thunder in our heads Flowers in our beds I saw you [all vocalizing.]
Oh, I am a wolf [all vocalizing.]
Way out in the woods [all vocalizing.]
And you are the moon All right, last paragraph.
- Mmm-hmm.
- "Maybe it's true what they say.
Teenagers are archetypes.
If so, they were all here.
The nice guy, the popular girl, the rebel, the goody-goody, the ladies' man, the sweetheart, the theater kid, the flirt, the sidekick, the wild man, the jock, um, that guy.
No, I've never seen her before.
Weird Al Yankovic, and finally, the one I fell in love with.
" Last sentence.
"Everyone was represented at Camp Firewood.
And everyone was welcome, [voice breaking.]
including me.
" It's a heck of a story, dear.
Real gonzo stuff.
But why are you crying? Just file it, please.
I really love your friends, Neil.
They're wonderful.
[Neil.]
This is perfect.
[Shari.]
It is.
[chuckling.]
[softly.]
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
[mouthing.]
No.
[softly.]
I don't understand.
I'm sorry.
[Shari.]
Sorry for what? [all imitating buzzer.]
[all chanting.]
You're a pig! You're a pig! You're a big fat sloppy old pig! You've got lice! You pick boogers! You're a big fat sloppy old pig! [all vocalizing.]
Big pig! [imitating pig.]
- Big pig! - [all laughing.]
God damn it, guys.
What are you guys doing? - What is wrong with you people? - [Shari sobbing.]
Shari! Shari! Wait, Shari! [boys.]
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
[Abby.]
Okay, everybody, here are the rules for seven minutes in heaven.
Okay, you pick a name out of a hat, and then you go in the closet for seven full minutes.
You can do whatever you feel like, but at the bare minimum, you must make out.
[all laughing.]
Oh, wait a minute, someone has to be the timer.
Oh, Kevin will do it.
He's not gonna make out with anybody anyway.
- I might.
- No, you won't.
[Abby.]
Okay, so I'm gonna draw a name, and the person I'm going into the closet for seven minutes of heaven is Kyle! [Kyle mouthing.]
[all.]
Ooh! Let's go.
Start the timer.
- [Yaron.]
To us! - Yeah.
Cheers.
There's an empty room over there.
Let's go fill it up, huh? [Coop.]
Uh Sure.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Hi, Coop.
Hi, Gail.
Have you met my husband Jeff? Or, I mean, my ex-husband.
[giggling.]
- Nice to meet you all.
- Good to meet you, too.
Ex, I have to get used to saying "ex," my ex.
What are we We're going in here? [boy.]
How much longer? Okay, that's time.
Okay [chuckling.]
Yup.
Next up.
- Amy, are you ready? - Okay.
Um - Kevin.
- [all.]
Ooh! [Abby.]
Oh, wait, no, you cheated.
You looked at it.
No, no, no.
The person you're gonna go with is Drew.
[laughing.]
Yes! Sweet! Yeah, man! Oh, shit! Sorry, Blue Balls.
I Yeah.
Amy, wait! Yeah? Amy, ever since the first moment I saw you, I've felt a strong connection between us.
At first, I tried to act like Joe Blow Mr.
Cool, but as I've gotten to know you better, my affection towards you has only intensified.
I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't go in that closet for seven minutes of heaven with Drew.
But instead, spend seven billion minutes of life with me.
What I'm really trying to say is will you be my girlfriend, Amy? Oh, sorry.
I think you're really sweet, Kevin, but I don't like you like that.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna go in here now.
Yeah, start timing us, d-bag.
You should time Yeah.
[Yaron.]
Okay, Coop, Donna, here we are.
Man and woman.
Hey, wait! Stop! Stop it! - What? - I mean, you're crossing a line.
What is it, Coop? Because she is your girlfriend? Yes, exactly.
She's my girlfriend.
- Then you kiss her.
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
Coop, it's okay.
Fine.
No, Coop, Coop, when you kiss her, you must kiss her with passion.
When you kiss Donna, you must kiss her from the waist.
Okay? So it's, it's Stop! Both of you.
What's going on here? Why the discomfort, Coop? We are living, so we should be alive.
- These are our stories.
- [Donna.]
These are our bodies.
The tongue in the mouth can mean so many things.
- It can mean hello.
- [Donna.]
Or, it can mean goodbye.
- It can mean peace.
- Peace.
Coop.
What? This is the true meaning of kibbutz, of community, of kehillah.
Now, kiss Donna.
Yeah.
Enough of this, okay? - Stop! I don't want to do this anymore! - Wait, Coop! Coop, wait! - Ugh.
- What's wrong? You know, I was so excited to see you again, all year, but it's like I don't even know who you are anymore.
I mean, you smoke, you tried to get me to be in some weird threesome.
It's like you want me to be someone else! I'm sick of it! And I look ridiculous.
It's like, who wears this stuff? I think you look rad.
Donna, are you coming? I cannot stay hard for much longer.
Although I'm happy to try.
- Go.
- Coop, don't be like that.
Here.
Take this.
It looks better on you anyway.
[both moaning.]
Okay.
You got protection? Uh Oh, yes! Yes.
Yes! - Come on! - Just gonna - All right.
All right.
- How do ya get it out? - This is like a Rubik's Cube.
- All right.
- How do ya - Okay.
- Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, there we go! - There you go.
This is - Just break that open.
- All right.
And Here we - Just - All right.
Here we - [popping.]
- Oh - All right, that one's not good.
- I don't know.
Ow! Shit.
Okay.
Oh, I got a little lint on that one.
Okay, I got it.
- You all right? - Yeah, no, no, I'm good.
I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
I just got I'm super fine, as a matter of fact, okay? Let me just read the [stammers.]
Let me read the instructions here, just double-check.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, got it.
Oh, I see.
You're a virgin.
What? No! What're you talking about? Just not a lot of girls ask me to wear a condom, okay? It's Hey, kid, it's okay.
I know it's okay, all right? Just let me get it on.
I mean, "Are you okay?" is the question, you know.
Hey! Hey, hey, come on! All right.
You're a virgin.
It's not a big deal.
This is not how I imagined this moment.
That's 'cause it's not that moment, you know? But when it is, it's gonna be great.
And you know what? You're gonna be glad you waited.
Oh, thanks.
You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you? You can tell people you made it with me if you want.
I like to appear unstable.
[phone ringing.]
Camp Firewood Infirmary.
Hey, Nancy! It's your old pal, Glen.
Glen Jarvis, from nursing school? Glen! How are you? You still knocking 'em dead over at the St.
Peter's ICU? No, actually, I switched gears a few years back, and now I'm working as a typesetter over at Rock & Roll World magazine.
Oh, exciting! That must be fun.
I got something here I think you might be interested in.
- You got a fax machine? - You are so sweet, Glen, but I'm not interested, because I already have a fax machine.
Right, no.
What's your fax number? J.
J.
, look at this fax I just got.
How could she do this to us? She's a rock journalist? I thought she was our friend.
What a total Benedict Arnold! Where is she? [gasps.]
Hey, guys.
I was just going on a beer run.
So anybody want anything? Well, I could go for a six-pack of my counselor friend Lindsay, but apparently she doesn't exist! I trusted you with my diaphragm.
- Nancy, J.
J.
, I can explain.
I - [J.
J.
.]
Oh, really? Because it looks like you were just leaving, pronto.
As in, get the fuck out of here.
[Lindsay.]
No, guys [J.
J.
.]
You heard me, Lindsay.
[Lindsay.]
Just Please.
[J.
J.
.]
No, shut up! Get the fuck out! [voice breaking.]
Please, don't! You're my best friends.
Friends don't sell each other out.
Friends don't pretend to be somebody they're not.
Friends don't pretend they're not music journalists and then write stories in major national print magazines.
[Lindsay.]
You're right.
Friends don't do those things.
Reporters do.
Every day for the last five years, I've been selling out, lying, sniveling, groveling, backstabbing! And for what? To get that one big story.
Well, I got it.
Finally.
Right here at Camp Firewood.
But I got something I didn't expect, too.
I got all of you.
And you gotta believe me that I would trade every birthday party with Steven Tyler, every bump of coke I did with the Oak Ridge Boys, every blowjob I gave to every member of the Little River Band, if I could just stay here with you.
But I can't stay, because I'm a 24-year-old reporter.
[sighs.]
[scrunching.]
[squishing.]
J.
J.
You.
Eric.
Eric Blood-sucker.
[grunts.]
[yells.]
[pottery shattering.]
No! You Don't you walk away from me! What? What do you want from me, Katie? I wanna know why you're so mad at me! Because you said that that kiss on stage tonight was just acting.
Well, it wasn't for me.
For me, it was real.
Those weren't Billy the Convict from Indiana's lips kissing your lips on stage tonight.
Those were Andy's lips.
Those were my lips.
And don't even try and tell me that those were hard-nosed Electro-City DA, Pamela Needlehoffer's lips kissing my lips, those were Katie's lips, A.
K.
A.
your lips.
The only reason that I said that I was acting was because you said you were acting first! - No, I didn't! - Yes, you did! - Hardly.
- You said it and then I said it.
Then you said it again.
- You're imagining things.
Bullshit! - I know what I saw.
- And then we bowed.
- Oh, right! Really? - Then why am I so mad at you? - You're not.
- I'm not? - No.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sweet.
[all cheering and whooping.]
[band playing upbeat jazz.]
- Silence! - [music stops.]
Look at you! All of you! Dancing! Laughing! Across that lake, those miscreants at Camp Firewood are plotting against us! [all gasping.]
They're desecrating our values, stealing our women - [all murmuring.]
- and putting into peril the code of honor that we at Tigerclaw have worked so hard to establish! [man.]
Yes, yes.
Now, there is a time to stand by and there is a time to say, "No more.
" And right now, my friends, we must say, "No more!" - [shouting.]
Now, who's with me? - [all.]
We are! - And we are? - [all.]
Camp Tigerclaw! - We are? - [all.]
Camp Tigerclaw! - [yelling.]
We are? - [all.]
Camp Tragerclow! [all yelling and chanting.]
Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! [sentimental music playing.]