Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Sir, one question.
Over here! This is the most important question.
Mr.
Stansel? Mr.
Stansel? Mr.
Stansel? Jim! Xenstar was the only option.
Xenstar has been doing the government's dirty work for years.
- Mitchell! - Save the camp.
Save the can.
Mr.
President, the Falcon assassinated two of the four targets, but the other two got away.
One of the head counselors and the robot kid.
We think they're headed back to camp to make contact with the can.
Good work, Ron.
So what's the plan? The Joint Chiefs have concluded that the smartest way forward is to destroy Camp Firewood and everything within 10 square miles of it.
Nice and clean.
Just one small thing, Mr.
President.
Yes, John? If possible, could you try to avoid incinerating the camp across the lake, Camp Tigerclaw? I've got my two kids up there and I'll catch hell from their mother if they die.
Well, John, I'll do my best, but war can be a nasty business.
- I understand, Mr.
President.
- Do you, John? - Shari! Shari, please don't leave! - How could you do this to me? I'm sorry! It's just a stupid game we play.
We were just having fun.
Fun? - That wasn't fun.
- I know.
I know you're hurt.
I'll I'll call your brother to come pick you up.
I think that would be for the best.
Shari, before I do, I just I have to say something.
I know everyone there called you a pig tonight but the only pig at this campground is me.
I acted like a swine not standing up for the woman I love.
But I can promise you something.
This is one pig that would sooner be sent to slaughter than make that mistake ever again.
- Oh, Neil.
- I mean it.
Neil, come here.
Alpha team, Alpha team, proceed to mess hall and retrieve mutant can.
It's the only evidence of Xenstar toxic waste dump.
Watch your feet.
- Where's the can? - Over there.
- Say what - Who's there? What the Oh, no! My guys might have fallen for the old ricochet move, but not me.
Give me the can, Gene.
You're gonna have to make me.
Oh! Ow! Hello, baby.
The can has been captured.
Do you want me to stick it in now? - Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Are you sure you want me to stick it in? - Yes, and please stop saying that.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, my God.
That was amazing.
Wow! - I love you.
- I love you, Shari.
I love you, Neil.
- Gene! - Beth! Gene! - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Are you okay? How could you let them take Mitch? Beth, there's more to this story.
A lot more.
I executed procedure 865-Delta, code name the Old Switcheroo.
-Mitch is safe.
I'm alive.
Oh! - Mitch, I thought I'd lost you forever.
- Mmm, I'm right here, baby.
Oh! Gene, God bless you, but how did you pull this off? Well, right now the can they think is Mitch is being dissected and studied by a bunch of government goons.
What they don't realize is that back in the 'Nam, I was part of a top secret elite unit.
- Oh, silly snakes! - The name of the unit was Switch Ops.
I also had a man on the inside.
Hello, old friend.
- Hello, Falcon.
- Him? That man tried to kill me! No, Falcon did exactly as he was ordered to do.
But no military rank can trump brothers-in-arms.
- That was one hell of a switch, brother.
- Just like the old days.
- I was on your side the whole time.
- Whole time.
If you were on my side, why would you try and kill me after the hypnotist show? - Oh, that, yeah - Well, that's a And why did you have to kill Greg and Jim Stansel? I'll admit, that part is pretty weird.
It feels more than weird.
You killed two totally innocent people.
- Well, if you think about it - Go.
I think it makes sense, I promise.
I don't wanna beat a dead horse here, - I just don't understand what's going on.
- I'm sorry, but I have gotta hit the road.
- Do you got that thing? - Yeah.
I just would like some clarity.
Okay, okay, okay.
- I'm hearing you.
- Uh-huh.
And what I'm hearing is that this is bothering you that many lives were lost.
- Now, I don't have - Yeah.
An answer that I feel is going to satisfy you.
At this moment.
So, but here's my thing.
- I just have to go.
- Have to go.
And if I don't go now, I'm either gonna have to cancel, which I could - Not again.
- If we could just beat by beat.
I completely agree that there are a lot of elements to this that do not make sense.
Look, I'm not trying to belabor a point here.
- I'm sorry if I made you angry.
- I'm missing this thing.
- And I'm not mad at you.
- Yeah.
- I'm just frustrated as well.
- You're mad at the situation.
- Yeah, exactly.
- So am I.
So am I.
Now look, guys, I'm glad.
I think we got to a starting place, and I think that's good enough for now.
I feel so I feel - Beth, let him go.
- Bye.
Now I'm gonna squirt some cherry juice on my pubic mound.
Wait.
What did Did you just say, "pubic mound"? No I said "Puget Sound.
" I'm gonna take the train caboose to the Puget Sound.
Leave me alone.
Can you believe it? All along, it was you that I wanted.
Doy! What about that douchenozzle from Camp Tigerclaw? Oh, Blake? He's such a jerk.
And he made it very clear to me that if I didn't go to his formal that he would be done with me.
We'll never see him again.
Weapons at the ready! Advance! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! What the hell? Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! It's Tigerclaw.
Huh? What's going on? - What are they doing here? - Oh, my God! War is on the horizon, people.
I can feel it.
Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! It's Camp Tigerclaw! They've come for us! Everyone, grab a weapon! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Well, well, well.
If it isn't the pool boy's son.
Did y'all know that? Huh? This loser's dad cleans my family's pool.
He isn't cleaning your pool when he's sucking on your momma's big old pancake titties.
I saw you kissing my girl.
It's a deadly mistake, Paco.
It's time to say goodbye, Camp Firewood.
No! No! Blake, no! We don't have to do this.
We brokered a truce, don't you remember? All of you, don't you remember? Do we wanna give up three summers of peace over nothing? The 1978 Accord of Lake Winnisuki, was that worth nothing? It's too late for that, Cooperberg.
You're making a mistake.
All of you.
- All of you! - No! - You don't have a rumble without me! - Hmm? That's adorable.
Ahh! He's latticing my face! Ooh! Hey! Hey, jean shorts! You're about to get stabbed with a sterling silver oyster fork.
Well, I don't hit Oh, actually, you know what, I need that.
I'm gonna have oysters later, so I gotta do something.
Not a bad move.
Did you steal that like you steal everything else? No way.
I learned that one in the theater when I was locking lips with your girlfriend! Whoa! This is a song I've been working on for a while.
It's about friendship.
Another night but my mind can't seem to sleep The morning light puts the fight back into me I'm wide awake but afraid to open my eyes Whoo! What are we doing? All this fighting It's not gonna change anything anyway.
Deep down, we all bleed red.
I clear my head My own worst enemy We're not so different after all.
The hand of fate is my own fist As it rises to the sky I'm sorry for behaving like a common hooligan, Katie.
Will you forgive me? Apology accepted.
Show me the fever Into the fire Taking it higher and higher Nothing to fear It's only desire Taking you higher and higher We are not Camp Firewood or Camp Tigerclaw Higher, higher We are all Camp people! Come on, now, sing.
Ooh Yeah! Higher, higher Show me the fever Into the fire Taking it higher and higher Be a believer A spirit igniter Taking it higher and higher Ooh He saved friendship with his song.
Coast is clear.
Good to move.
Oh, no, what's that? I thought this was all over.
- They have guns! - Do you hear them? - Are those missiles? - Stop! Stop! Prepare yourselves! We gotta stop the government from destroying the camp any way we can! - It's not working.
- We can't stop them! Wait, everybody! This is a song about friendship.
We love you! Yeah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Who shot him? Oh, my God! Why did you do that? That was completely unnecessary.
Stop! Stop! I am a journalist! What? Lindsay? Now you may not have heard of me, but I'm pretty sure you've heard of Rock & Roll World magazine.
- I like that magazine.
- I know you do.
I see two stories here.
One about a camp full of inspiring teenagers and a rock god whose best days are still ahead of him.
- Lindsay, Lindsay - Not now.
All right, I'll tell you later.
The other about a vast government conspiracy poisoning the environment and slaughtering the innocent.
Which one would you like me to write about in the magazine? Huh? Which one? Who's gonna answer me? Who speaks for the government? Is that It's President Reagan.
Who? I may be the most powerful person in the modern world, but there's one thing I've never been able to conquer, and that is freedom of press.
Yes.
Let's turn the trucks around.
No! What about the toxic sludge? The judge ordered Martinson to clean it up, but he didn't! The American people elected you to office.
Now excuse my French, but when are you gonna get off your duff and do something? Good point, McKinley.
I will do something.
Will one of my men stay here and clean up the toxic waste? No one's volunteering.
Who's gonna step up? I will.
- He is so cool for doing that! - He saved the camp.
Let's move 'em out! Let's roll.
Hi, there, um I just wanted to say that was incredibly brave, what you just did.
Thanks.
What's your name? I'm Gail.
Ron.
What's happening right now? I don't know, but I want to find out.
Lindsay, you saved the camp.
But you also lied and betrayed all of your friends.
If you still want me to go, I I understand.
Lindsay the reporter should go.
But Lindsay our friend can stay.
You are so awesome! Wasn't she awesome? Guys, we gotta get outta here! Let's go.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
Wake up! Oh! - Hey.
- Hey, man, where ya been? Just been wandering around.
Oh.
You okay? Yeah.
I just kind of had a rough night last night.
Oh, yeah, I know how that goes.
I had to break up with Donna after Yaron tried to make us have a threesome.
And then Tigerclaw showed up because Andy stole Katie away from Blake, and they tried to destroy the camp.
And then, well, right after that, President Reagan and the U.
S.
military also tried to destroy the camp, but that was after they also shot Eric, that hermit who lived at camp and turned out to be a musical legend.
And then that new counselor, Lindsay? Well, she saved us all because she was secretly a rock magazine journalist.
And then Gail blew off Jonas at their wedding, and his name is actually Gene and he fought in Vietnam.
And Gene also got beaten up by an assassin named Falcon, who tried to kill Beth and did kill Greg and this guy Jim Stansel, but then he turned out to be good the whole time, which I acknowledge doesn't really make any sense, and he was only here to protect Mitch, who was turned into a can of vegetables.
And then also Ben and McKinley are dating, Susie hooked up with Claude, Neil got laid, Victor didn't get laid and Abby had her period.
So, it was a hard day.
Yeah.
Hey, fart breath, you wanna play Yahtzee? Oh, come on, nothing happened last night.
I made a move, but she wasn't into it.
We mostly talked about Eddie Murphy.
So you wanna play or not? - Sure.
- Come on, let's go.
I go first.
Kyle, wake up.
- Let's go, let's go.
- I'm comfortable, Drew.
No, no, no, no.
I get first.
Ah, Cooperberg, Donna and I came to say shalom.
We're leaving camp.
We're going to explore each other in a yurt.
Cool.
Have fun.
Okay, okay.
Dayenu.
- Come.
Come on.
- Whoa.
Okay, hats and hoodies off.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America I was thinking maybe we could go together to breakfast after this.
Aw, Jesus Christ, we just spent the whole night together.
Give me a second to collect myself.
- Well, 'cause if we come in - Oh, shut up.
You're egregious.
I love you, okay? I'll see you at breakfast.
You're my girlfriend now.
Coop.
Hey, how was your night? Oh, you know, sore urethra.
Same old, same old.
You know, from all that sexual proclivity.
Yeah.
What about you and Shari, man? Did you land the plane on the tarmac? - Actually, no.
No.
- No? - Nothing happened.
- Oh, no? - So you're still a virge, huh? - Yeah.
Don't worry about it, Neil.
I wish my first time was still ahead of me.
- Next time.
- Hey.
There'll always be a next time! Shh.
Hey, you two.
How's it going? Great! We're engaged.
But this time we're taking it slow.
Let me know if you need a diaphragm.
What? For your pussy.
Hey, Victor.
It's so sad about Eric, huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Terrible.
I know what happened in that motel room with Greg.
Mitch, please, it's not what you think.
My heart was being pulled in a million different ways, I promise.
- I would - Shh.
It's okay.
Staying faithful to me would be a mistake.
Look at me.
I'm a can of vegetables.
- Don't say that.
- Why not? It's true.
I'm a can of vegetables.
I can't give you what you need, sexually.
Because you're asexual? No.
Far from it.
In fact, I can suck my own dick.
But it's time for both of us to move on.
That's why I'm making you the new director of the camp.
And you can rejuvenate this place with a new energy.
So much so that by the end of August, everyone will feel like they're 15 years younger.
1981 is gonna be the best summer ever.
Where you headed? - New York City.
- Hop in.
Let's roll.