Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Tigerclaw
1 "barking, 'Dapper pups, dapper cuts'"? Dave! - Good.
- Yeah.
Pineapple's so juicy.
- It really is! - I love pineapple.
- It's great for juice.
- Yeah - [Lindsay.]
Dave! - Desserts.
- Oh, shit.
- Where's Dave? Huh? - Out of the way! - [woman.]
Oh! So sorry.
I can see you, Dave.
[chuckles.]
Hey, Lindsay.
- How's my favorite reporter? - Cut the crap.
I pitched you a piece on the recent dissolution of the Warsaw Pact, and instead you've assigned me a puff piece on dog treats.
[scoffs.]
Look, we're not 50 Minutes.
We're local news, okay? How you guys doing? Wendy keeping you in good shape? - Great! - [Lindsay.]
Come on.
You need to let me do hard news.
Grow a set.
Honey, we've done the research and our viewers want to see your pretty face delivering the good news.
So, don't fight it.
[man.]
Sorry to interrupt.
There's a call for Lindsay on line three.
- [sighs.]
You're a sell-out, Dave.
- Okay.
You're an incompetent sell-out.
Great job! [man.]
Nadine, you have that feature about jeans yet? This is Lindsay.
[Deep Throat.]
Meet me in the garage down the street in one hour.
Wait, who's this? Do as I say and you might just expose the biggest case of political corruption this country has ever seen.
- Don't be late.
- Wait, what's your name? The parking garage down the street.
One hour.
Be there.
[line disconnects.]
Tell Dave he needs to stretch out that aerobics piece because I'm following a real lead.
These open houses are so nerve-wracking.
You put so much time and energy into them and then it's, like, is anybody even gonna show up? [Mitch.]
Just call it off, Beth.
Don't sell this place.
It means too much to too many people.
I can take you with me, Mitch.
Hey, this camp means a lot to me too, you know.
Just because I fell into a large puddle of toxic waste and was turned into a can doesn't mean I don't care anymore.
I know that, Mitch.
I know.
- Hi! - I saw the "for sale" sign.
Oh, yes, of course, of course.
Uh, let me give you a tour of the facilities.
Oh, no! No, no, that won't be necessary.
You see, I represent a very motivated buyer.
I've been authorized to make you an offer I believe you'll find sufficient.
Oh, my God! [Chuckles.]
- You've got yourself a deal.
- Very good.
I'll have the paperwork drawn and be back within an hour with the cashier's check.
- Pleasure doing business with you.
- And also with you.
- May I use your phone for a second? - Yes! Did you hear that, Mitch? I'm gonna be rich! [screaming.]
I'm gonna be rich! Rich! Everything went according to plan, Mr.
President.
- [Reagan.]
Good.
- The camp is yours within an hour.
- Very good.
- [chuckles.]
[Beth screaming.]
[Arty.]
We are slip slidin' ever closer to high noon.
Oh, hi, noon! [Chuckles.]
And with the dance only 510 minutes away, decorations must be made.
So time to gather on the main lawn for a carnival of craft making.
So take a handful of hay and then dip it in the paint, and glue it onto one of these sticks.
We need 50 hay sticks for the dance tonight! Hello, hello, hello.
[gasps.]
Donna! I did not think we'd ever see you again after you left camp the second day back in '81.
Weren't you gonna go live out in a yurt with that Israeli guy? - What was his name? - Yaron.
- Wow.
You guys are still together? - Yeah, we're still together, so Whoa.
Of course, we are still together.
We've been using our system.
Donna and Yaron have made these videotapes to help couples stay in love.
- I brought my copy - [Donna.]
Oh, she did! - for you guys to sign.
- She did bring it.
- [Abby.]
Yes! - Oh, look at us.
- Thank you.
- That's sweet.
That's really sweet.
But, yeah, we, you know, we sort of uncovered the secret truths - of our early life's journeys.
- Early life's journey.
We just felt that they were too important to not share with other people.
To share with, uh, others.
But these secrets were just too good to give up for nothing.
- [Yaron.]
They were too good.
- So, it's $149.
99 for the entire set.
- And then there's tax and shipping.
- And then there's tax.
But also this weekend, friends and family discount, $79.
99, and that includes a rainy day handbook as well as a signed copy of the poster, so [chuckles.]
I I brought all 16 volumes.
- [Claire laughs.]
You go, girl! - [Abby.]
It's amazing.
So what what are some good tips for keeping the passion alive? - Well, one of my favorites - Uh-uh [chuckles.]
If you want the secrets to a passionate and successful relationship, they're really easy to get.
It's just $79.
99.
Which is just this weekend only, so But, uh, these people, they are, uh, family to us.
Yeah, I know, I know.
And our families also all bought the program, not because they were nice, but because this system actually works, so - Donna - [both arguing in Hebrew.]
[scoffs.]
[Donna.]
Yeah, I mean, basically, we - The secret truths, it's - [Ben.]
Whoa.
You've been gone for ten years and nothing's changed.
[J.
J.
.]
Oh, hey! Look, it's Claire! Can I ask you something, J.
J.
? [J.
J.
.]
You can ask me anything.
[Claire.]
Um Could you just Um, the camera Put the camera Put it down.
- Sorry.
What's up? - Um Well, I know this is gonna sound totally crazy but sometimes I get the feeling that Mark is I can't even believe I'm saying this but, um, being unfaithful to me.
[both moaning.]
If you knew anything, you'd tell me, right? Absolutely.
So, do you know anything? No, um, no.
Sorry, no.
- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure! [Chuckling nervously.]
Do I not look sure? I'm sorry.
You're right.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know what I was thinking.
- I just - [both grunting.]
Sometimes I just get crazy and stupid.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're not stupid.
You're the You're very, very smart.
Oh, there's Victor.
Will you excuse me? Victor! [Mark and Nancy continue grunting.]
[sighs.]
[Donna on TV.]
And that concludes our closer look at the role intercourse can play in a healthy relationship.
This next exercise is called the Plant of Trust.
Let's practice.
- I trust you with my heart.
- I trust you with my soul.
- I trust you with my days.
- I trust you with my nights.
I trust you with my finances.
- I trust you with my medical pres - Prescription.
- Prescript - Prescription.
[laughing.]
Hey! [Seth.]
Whoa.
Rudy, slow down, man.
You don't wanna be the next Willie-Shits-His-Pants! - [laughing.]
- Who's Willie-Shits-His-Pants? [Deegs.]
Seriously? It's like the oldest ghost story in Firewood lore.
- Tell it, douche.
- [boy.]
Yeah! - Please! Please! - [Seth.]
Okay! The year is 1921.
It was the last day of summer and the night of the big barn dance.
All summer long, Willie had a huge crush on this shy girl named Vivian.
Oh, my God, they're telling the story of Willie-Shits-His-Pants.
Wow.
Some things never change.
[Seth.]
So, Willie and Vivian are dancing.
But all of a sudden, when everyone in the camp was watching them, Willie fully fuckin' drops a deuce right in his pants.
- [all.]
Ew.
- The dookie was so perfectly round that it rolled down his pants leg and onto the floor.
That is true.
It was a perfectly round dookie.
Willie was so embarrassed, he ran out into the night.
And was never seen - again! - [screams.]
[all laughing.]
- I smell a doo-doo.
- [laughing continues.]
[all exclaim.]
ninety-nine, a hundred.
Give me some bug juice, dick weeds.
- [Yaron.]
Hello.
- [Donna.]
Hi, Vic.
- Shalom, Victor.
- Oh, Donna.
- Yeah.
- And, uh, Yaron.
- Yaron.
- Yaron.
- [Donna.]
Ya - Yaron.
- Victor, we've been watching you - Admiring you.
- Yeah, observing you.
- Sussing you out.
- Taking stock.
- You know, you're strong.
- And healthy.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Do you do you guys need help moving a couch or something? Not moving a couch.
Making a life.
It's total bull crap that Beth wants to sell the camp.
I know.
So some guy is just gonna pay her straight cash for this place? Sounds fishy to me.
[girl.]
That old man knocked over your bug juice, Betsy! I wish we could buy the camp.
But I certainly don't have that type of coin laying around.
I know.
It makes me so mad.
I just I wanna hit something! [Mark grunts.]
Fuck! [Katie.]
Wait! I know who might have the money.
But we don't have much time.
Who is really good at windsurfing? Me.
[Andy.]
Good thing these guys are having their reunion, too.
[Katie.]
Yeah.
- [Andy.]
I hope this works.
- It will.
Remember, our camps have been allies since the 1978 Accord of Lake Winnisuki.
[Andy.]
I can't stand these preppy doinks and their fake waterfall.
How do you know Blake's gonna be here? Our parents still vacation together on the Vineyard.
[Courtney.]
Katie? Katie Finnerty.
[Gasps.]
As I live and breathe.
Okay.
Well, welcome to Tigerclaw.
Hi, Courtney.
I hope we're not interrupting anything.
Well, you are a little bit.
My recital's about to start.
Why don't you watch? [clangs.]
[sighs.]
She's she's really gotten better.
Well, if it isn't the old Camp Firewood gang.
Goodness gracious.
Me, oh, my.
Katie, you look as stunning as ever.
Andy, my old dance partner.
That is one heck of a goatee you're sporting.
- I know.
- [audience applauding.]
Long time no see, old friends.
What brings you to our side of the lake? We, uh, want to talk to you about something.
It's important.
Hmm.
Important, you say? I see.
Hmm.
[honks.]
Victor, we have something uh, to to ask you, to talk to you about.
- Okay.
- Uh, a proposition sort.
- What was that? - [stuttering.]
It's It's a proposition of sorts.
- That's what he said? - Yeah.
Victor, Donna and I wish to have a child.
But my seed, it is, uh like the Midbar Yehuda.
It is, uh, arid, harsh [stutters.]
lifeless.
- Victor? - Yeah? We want you to be our sperm donor.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, you guys are going to do artificial insemination? No, there's there's no time for a clinical procedure [inhales sharply.]
'cause I'm ovulating right this very moment.
Victor, if we are going to have our baby, we need you to have intercourse with Donna tonight.
[stammering.]
You think about it.
Come on.
Okay.
Good.
Okay.
Bye-bye now.
- [Deep Throat whistles.]
- [lighter clicks.]
- [Lindsay.]
Is that you? - Keep your voice down.
- [Lindsay.]
Is someone listening? - You can never be too careful.
Listen, there's something going on, and I need you to [man.]
All right, Joan, where the hell is the car? I told you, it's not in this section.
You never listen to me.
No, I remember.
B2.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
I brought you here to tell you that there's a conspiracy involving very evil forces.
[woman.]
I have a photographic memory.
Shit! They're coming back.
Listen, hold on.
I remember telling you to remember where we parked the goddamn LeSabre! [woman.]
Okay, okay.
We don't need to get sarcastic.
We're on the same team.
This goes much deep You know what? They're they're circling back.
God damn it.
This is ridic You know what? I'll write it down.
You take a picture with your photographic memory, and then I'll take a cyanide pill.
How about that, huh? [Deep Throat.]
Christ! Just check P3.
Or go ask the parking attendant? Excuse you, mister! - Butt out, buddy.
- Jesus! Go to this address.
All your questions will be answered.
But why me? When you find the answer, you'll know why I chose you.
- [man.]
What color's the damn car, Joan? - [woman.]
Burgundy! - [man.]
Burgundy? It's maroon! - [woman.]
No, that's different.
I don't wanna a fight.
I just wanna get home.
[man.]
I wanna go home! [audience applauding.]
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in.
I am not a cat, and I did not drag them in.
These guests graced us of their own accord.
[laughing.]
Fleckner, how long has it been, for goodness' sake? - As long as my greasy dick.
- [Graham.]
Ha! Very good.
Katie, how are your parents? Last I heard, they were changing their tennis court from grass to clay.
Oh, yes, their second serve has a lot more bite now.
[Graham.]
Hmm.
Uh, guys, I am about to harmonize.
Who's coming? [chuckles.]
Oh, poodles! We're talking shop.
Oh, poo! Well, do come join the fun when you're done.
[Chuckles.]
It was nice seeing you two.
Enjoy the grouse.
[Chuckles.]
Whitney, you dumb bitch, put that down.
Now, you said you had important business.
We do.
We have a favor to ask you.
An outsider is trying to buy Camp Firewood, and we want to protect the camp from outside investors.
Which is why we want you to beat her offer.
We want Tigerclaw to buy Camp Firewood.
Well, that certainly is a favor.
[laughing.]
Hey, look, man, I know we've had our differences in the past Our differences are exactly that.
In the past.
Tigerclaw and Firewood share more than a lake.
We share a common history.
We are each other's yin and yang.
Fire and ice.
Fresca and Squirt.
This buyer you speak of is coming for your camp today, but they'll come for ours tomorrow, itching to build B.
Dalton Booksellers or a Circuit City or a Blockburster Verdio.
Now more than ever, we need to stick together.
Give us a moment.
[Courtney scatting.]
[recording of Courtney scatting playing.]
[harmonizing with recording.]
[recording playing.]
Come on, everybody Come on, everybody [sighs.]
This feels right.
You know, you and me trying to save the camp.
Yeah, and that's all we're doing.
We could do more, like with our tongues and butts.
Andy, I want to be clear with you.
I'm 26, and maybe it was a different story when I was 16, but right now, I am all about long-term commitment.
So you wanna fuck? - No, just friends.
- Yeah, friends that fuck.
No, just friends.
Whatever.
We have arrived at our decision.
Let's go save Camp Firewood.
- [cheers.]
- [chuckles.]
And here is your cashier's check.
All you need to do is sign right there on the contract and our business is done.
Well, all good things must end, right? Goodbye, Firewood.
- Wait, wait, wait! - [Beth.]
Katie! - [all panting.]
- What are they doing here? We'd like to put in an offer to buy Camp Firewood.
[stutters.]
Absolutely not! We have a verbal agreement.
Beth, listen to Blake.
Just give them a chance.
Look, we don't have ten million dollars to throw in your face, Beth.
But we can offer something she cannot.
Peace of mind.
The peace of mind that comes with knowing you'll leave Firewood with your legacy intact.
You know what people like her do with summer camps, Beth? They turn them into B.
Dalton Booksellers.
[gasps.]
We can't let that happen, Beth.
You can't let that happen.
Ms.
Burkhart, what are you planning to do with this camp? That's none of your business.
- Oh! - Bingo.
You know what our plans are for Camp Firewood? Graham, show Beth the plans.
There's nothing on it.
That's because we're not planning on changing a thing.
It's perfect just the way it is.
We'll keep everything here the same as it's been since time immemorial.
We make a solemn Tigerclaw oath.
Tigerclaw true salute.
Sun to moon, lips are mute.
Tiger growl! [growling.]
Wow.
That was a real impressive pitch from you guys.
Yet we still haven't heard a number.
[all scoff.]
That's our first, best, and last offer.
We pray it is sufficient.
- You know what to do.
- Yeah.
- [paper crumpling.]
- You got yourself a deal, Blake.
[all cheering.]
- You'll regret this.
- Bye-bye now! - [Graham.]
Walk out.
- [Warner.]
Bye-bye.
We'll arrange for the transfer of the money this afternoon.
Oh, thank you so much.
You've saved the spirit of Camp Firewood.
Thank you.
[whirring.]
[Mitch.]
Hmm.
[keypad beeping.]
Sir, I don't know what happened.
Your offer was a hundred times better, but she went with the other guys because she wanted the camp to stay the same.
I failed you, Mr.
President.
I'd like to offer you my resignation.
Well, there's no need for that.
[Blake.]
Those Firewood rubes did exactly what you said they'd do, Mr.
President.
You? I can't believe I didn't see you there.
They're in on it? I knew those old junior counselors wouldn't let me buy Firewood off with money.
So I gave them something they value more than anything else in the world.
The childish belief that they actually make a difference.
[laughing.]
And I saved $9,900,000.
[laughing.]
Firewood is mine! [all laughing.]
Yes! Oh, my God.
Did you hear something? [Mitch gasps.]
Well, don't just sit there, you imbeciles! Get him! [grunts.]
[panting.]
- Looks like your luck ran out.
- Nowhere to go now.
I'm not so sure.
Ha! You'd never make it alive.
That's a 50-foot drop.
You're a dead man.
I'll take my chances.
No one could survive a jump from that height.
Let's get out of here.
We don't need to wait another 30 seconds to see what happens.
[gasping.]
I'm alive! I'm alive! [Courtney scatting and harmonizing.]
- Yeah.
Pineapple's so juicy.
- It really is! - I love pineapple.
- It's great for juice.
- Yeah - [Lindsay.]
Dave! - Desserts.
- Oh, shit.
- Where's Dave? Huh? - Out of the way! - [woman.]
Oh! So sorry.
I can see you, Dave.
[chuckles.]
Hey, Lindsay.
- How's my favorite reporter? - Cut the crap.
I pitched you a piece on the recent dissolution of the Warsaw Pact, and instead you've assigned me a puff piece on dog treats.
[scoffs.]
Look, we're not 50 Minutes.
We're local news, okay? How you guys doing? Wendy keeping you in good shape? - Great! - [Lindsay.]
Come on.
You need to let me do hard news.
Grow a set.
Honey, we've done the research and our viewers want to see your pretty face delivering the good news.
So, don't fight it.
[man.]
Sorry to interrupt.
There's a call for Lindsay on line three.
- [sighs.]
You're a sell-out, Dave.
- Okay.
You're an incompetent sell-out.
Great job! [man.]
Nadine, you have that feature about jeans yet? This is Lindsay.
[Deep Throat.]
Meet me in the garage down the street in one hour.
Wait, who's this? Do as I say and you might just expose the biggest case of political corruption this country has ever seen.
- Don't be late.
- Wait, what's your name? The parking garage down the street.
One hour.
Be there.
[line disconnects.]
Tell Dave he needs to stretch out that aerobics piece because I'm following a real lead.
These open houses are so nerve-wracking.
You put so much time and energy into them and then it's, like, is anybody even gonna show up? [Mitch.]
Just call it off, Beth.
Don't sell this place.
It means too much to too many people.
I can take you with me, Mitch.
Hey, this camp means a lot to me too, you know.
Just because I fell into a large puddle of toxic waste and was turned into a can doesn't mean I don't care anymore.
I know that, Mitch.
I know.
- Hi! - I saw the "for sale" sign.
Oh, yes, of course, of course.
Uh, let me give you a tour of the facilities.
Oh, no! No, no, that won't be necessary.
You see, I represent a very motivated buyer.
I've been authorized to make you an offer I believe you'll find sufficient.
Oh, my God! [Chuckles.]
- You've got yourself a deal.
- Very good.
I'll have the paperwork drawn and be back within an hour with the cashier's check.
- Pleasure doing business with you.
- And also with you.
- May I use your phone for a second? - Yes! Did you hear that, Mitch? I'm gonna be rich! [screaming.]
I'm gonna be rich! Rich! Everything went according to plan, Mr.
President.
- [Reagan.]
Good.
- The camp is yours within an hour.
- Very good.
- [chuckles.]
[Beth screaming.]
[Arty.]
We are slip slidin' ever closer to high noon.
Oh, hi, noon! [Chuckles.]
And with the dance only 510 minutes away, decorations must be made.
So time to gather on the main lawn for a carnival of craft making.
So take a handful of hay and then dip it in the paint, and glue it onto one of these sticks.
We need 50 hay sticks for the dance tonight! Hello, hello, hello.
[gasps.]
Donna! I did not think we'd ever see you again after you left camp the second day back in '81.
Weren't you gonna go live out in a yurt with that Israeli guy? - What was his name? - Yaron.
- Wow.
You guys are still together? - Yeah, we're still together, so Whoa.
Of course, we are still together.
We've been using our system.
Donna and Yaron have made these videotapes to help couples stay in love.
- I brought my copy - [Donna.]
Oh, she did! - for you guys to sign.
- She did bring it.
- [Abby.]
Yes! - Oh, look at us.
- Thank you.
- That's sweet.
That's really sweet.
But, yeah, we, you know, we sort of uncovered the secret truths - of our early life's journeys.
- Early life's journey.
We just felt that they were too important to not share with other people.
To share with, uh, others.
But these secrets were just too good to give up for nothing.
- [Yaron.]
They were too good.
- So, it's $149.
99 for the entire set.
- And then there's tax and shipping.
- And then there's tax.
But also this weekend, friends and family discount, $79.
99, and that includes a rainy day handbook as well as a signed copy of the poster, so [chuckles.]
I I brought all 16 volumes.
- [Claire laughs.]
You go, girl! - [Abby.]
It's amazing.
So what what are some good tips for keeping the passion alive? - Well, one of my favorites - Uh-uh [chuckles.]
If you want the secrets to a passionate and successful relationship, they're really easy to get.
It's just $79.
99.
Which is just this weekend only, so But, uh, these people, they are, uh, family to us.
Yeah, I know, I know.
And our families also all bought the program, not because they were nice, but because this system actually works, so - Donna - [both arguing in Hebrew.]
[scoffs.]
[Donna.]
Yeah, I mean, basically, we - The secret truths, it's - [Ben.]
Whoa.
You've been gone for ten years and nothing's changed.
[J.
J.
.]
Oh, hey! Look, it's Claire! Can I ask you something, J.
J.
? [J.
J.
.]
You can ask me anything.
[Claire.]
Um Could you just Um, the camera Put the camera Put it down.
- Sorry.
What's up? - Um Well, I know this is gonna sound totally crazy but sometimes I get the feeling that Mark is I can't even believe I'm saying this but, um, being unfaithful to me.
[both moaning.]
If you knew anything, you'd tell me, right? Absolutely.
So, do you know anything? No, um, no.
Sorry, no.
- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure! [Chuckling nervously.]
Do I not look sure? I'm sorry.
You're right.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know what I was thinking.
- I just - [both grunting.]
Sometimes I just get crazy and stupid.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're not stupid.
You're the You're very, very smart.
Oh, there's Victor.
Will you excuse me? Victor! [Mark and Nancy continue grunting.]
[sighs.]
[Donna on TV.]
And that concludes our closer look at the role intercourse can play in a healthy relationship.
This next exercise is called the Plant of Trust.
Let's practice.
- I trust you with my heart.
- I trust you with my soul.
- I trust you with my days.
- I trust you with my nights.
I trust you with my finances.
- I trust you with my medical pres - Prescription.
- Prescript - Prescription.
[laughing.]
Hey! [Seth.]
Whoa.
Rudy, slow down, man.
You don't wanna be the next Willie-Shits-His-Pants! - [laughing.]
- Who's Willie-Shits-His-Pants? [Deegs.]
Seriously? It's like the oldest ghost story in Firewood lore.
- Tell it, douche.
- [boy.]
Yeah! - Please! Please! - [Seth.]
Okay! The year is 1921.
It was the last day of summer and the night of the big barn dance.
All summer long, Willie had a huge crush on this shy girl named Vivian.
Oh, my God, they're telling the story of Willie-Shits-His-Pants.
Wow.
Some things never change.
[Seth.]
So, Willie and Vivian are dancing.
But all of a sudden, when everyone in the camp was watching them, Willie fully fuckin' drops a deuce right in his pants.
- [all.]
Ew.
- The dookie was so perfectly round that it rolled down his pants leg and onto the floor.
That is true.
It was a perfectly round dookie.
Willie was so embarrassed, he ran out into the night.
And was never seen - again! - [screams.]
[all laughing.]
- I smell a doo-doo.
- [laughing continues.]
[all exclaim.]
ninety-nine, a hundred.
Give me some bug juice, dick weeds.
- [Yaron.]
Hello.
- [Donna.]
Hi, Vic.
- Shalom, Victor.
- Oh, Donna.
- Yeah.
- And, uh, Yaron.
- Yaron.
- Yaron.
- [Donna.]
Ya - Yaron.
- Victor, we've been watching you - Admiring you.
- Yeah, observing you.
- Sussing you out.
- Taking stock.
- You know, you're strong.
- And healthy.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Do you do you guys need help moving a couch or something? Not moving a couch.
Making a life.
It's total bull crap that Beth wants to sell the camp.
I know.
So some guy is just gonna pay her straight cash for this place? Sounds fishy to me.
[girl.]
That old man knocked over your bug juice, Betsy! I wish we could buy the camp.
But I certainly don't have that type of coin laying around.
I know.
It makes me so mad.
I just I wanna hit something! [Mark grunts.]
Fuck! [Katie.]
Wait! I know who might have the money.
But we don't have much time.
Who is really good at windsurfing? Me.
[Andy.]
Good thing these guys are having their reunion, too.
[Katie.]
Yeah.
- [Andy.]
I hope this works.
- It will.
Remember, our camps have been allies since the 1978 Accord of Lake Winnisuki.
[Andy.]
I can't stand these preppy doinks and their fake waterfall.
How do you know Blake's gonna be here? Our parents still vacation together on the Vineyard.
[Courtney.]
Katie? Katie Finnerty.
[Gasps.]
As I live and breathe.
Okay.
Well, welcome to Tigerclaw.
Hi, Courtney.
I hope we're not interrupting anything.
Well, you are a little bit.
My recital's about to start.
Why don't you watch? [clangs.]
[sighs.]
She's she's really gotten better.
Well, if it isn't the old Camp Firewood gang.
Goodness gracious.
Me, oh, my.
Katie, you look as stunning as ever.
Andy, my old dance partner.
That is one heck of a goatee you're sporting.
- I know.
- [audience applauding.]
Long time no see, old friends.
What brings you to our side of the lake? We, uh, want to talk to you about something.
It's important.
Hmm.
Important, you say? I see.
Hmm.
[honks.]
Victor, we have something uh, to to ask you, to talk to you about.
- Okay.
- Uh, a proposition sort.
- What was that? - [stuttering.]
It's It's a proposition of sorts.
- That's what he said? - Yeah.
Victor, Donna and I wish to have a child.
But my seed, it is, uh like the Midbar Yehuda.
It is, uh, arid, harsh [stutters.]
lifeless.
- Victor? - Yeah? We want you to be our sperm donor.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, you guys are going to do artificial insemination? No, there's there's no time for a clinical procedure [inhales sharply.]
'cause I'm ovulating right this very moment.
Victor, if we are going to have our baby, we need you to have intercourse with Donna tonight.
[stammering.]
You think about it.
Come on.
Okay.
Good.
Okay.
Bye-bye now.
- [Deep Throat whistles.]
- [lighter clicks.]
- [Lindsay.]
Is that you? - Keep your voice down.
- [Lindsay.]
Is someone listening? - You can never be too careful.
Listen, there's something going on, and I need you to [man.]
All right, Joan, where the hell is the car? I told you, it's not in this section.
You never listen to me.
No, I remember.
B2.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
I brought you here to tell you that there's a conspiracy involving very evil forces.
[woman.]
I have a photographic memory.
Shit! They're coming back.
Listen, hold on.
I remember telling you to remember where we parked the goddamn LeSabre! [woman.]
Okay, okay.
We don't need to get sarcastic.
We're on the same team.
This goes much deep You know what? They're they're circling back.
God damn it.
This is ridic You know what? I'll write it down.
You take a picture with your photographic memory, and then I'll take a cyanide pill.
How about that, huh? [Deep Throat.]
Christ! Just check P3.
Or go ask the parking attendant? Excuse you, mister! - Butt out, buddy.
- Jesus! Go to this address.
All your questions will be answered.
But why me? When you find the answer, you'll know why I chose you.
- [man.]
What color's the damn car, Joan? - [woman.]
Burgundy! - [man.]
Burgundy? It's maroon! - [woman.]
No, that's different.
I don't wanna a fight.
I just wanna get home.
[man.]
I wanna go home! [audience applauding.]
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in.
I am not a cat, and I did not drag them in.
These guests graced us of their own accord.
[laughing.]
Fleckner, how long has it been, for goodness' sake? - As long as my greasy dick.
- [Graham.]
Ha! Very good.
Katie, how are your parents? Last I heard, they were changing their tennis court from grass to clay.
Oh, yes, their second serve has a lot more bite now.
[Graham.]
Hmm.
Uh, guys, I am about to harmonize.
Who's coming? [chuckles.]
Oh, poodles! We're talking shop.
Oh, poo! Well, do come join the fun when you're done.
[Chuckles.]
It was nice seeing you two.
Enjoy the grouse.
[Chuckles.]
Whitney, you dumb bitch, put that down.
Now, you said you had important business.
We do.
We have a favor to ask you.
An outsider is trying to buy Camp Firewood, and we want to protect the camp from outside investors.
Which is why we want you to beat her offer.
We want Tigerclaw to buy Camp Firewood.
Well, that certainly is a favor.
[laughing.]
Hey, look, man, I know we've had our differences in the past Our differences are exactly that.
In the past.
Tigerclaw and Firewood share more than a lake.
We share a common history.
We are each other's yin and yang.
Fire and ice.
Fresca and Squirt.
This buyer you speak of is coming for your camp today, but they'll come for ours tomorrow, itching to build B.
Dalton Booksellers or a Circuit City or a Blockburster Verdio.
Now more than ever, we need to stick together.
Give us a moment.
[Courtney scatting.]
[recording of Courtney scatting playing.]
[harmonizing with recording.]
[recording playing.]
Come on, everybody Come on, everybody [sighs.]
This feels right.
You know, you and me trying to save the camp.
Yeah, and that's all we're doing.
We could do more, like with our tongues and butts.
Andy, I want to be clear with you.
I'm 26, and maybe it was a different story when I was 16, but right now, I am all about long-term commitment.
So you wanna fuck? - No, just friends.
- Yeah, friends that fuck.
No, just friends.
Whatever.
We have arrived at our decision.
Let's go save Camp Firewood.
- [cheers.]
- [chuckles.]
And here is your cashier's check.
All you need to do is sign right there on the contract and our business is done.
Well, all good things must end, right? Goodbye, Firewood.
- Wait, wait, wait! - [Beth.]
Katie! - [all panting.]
- What are they doing here? We'd like to put in an offer to buy Camp Firewood.
[stutters.]
Absolutely not! We have a verbal agreement.
Beth, listen to Blake.
Just give them a chance.
Look, we don't have ten million dollars to throw in your face, Beth.
But we can offer something she cannot.
Peace of mind.
The peace of mind that comes with knowing you'll leave Firewood with your legacy intact.
You know what people like her do with summer camps, Beth? They turn them into B.
Dalton Booksellers.
[gasps.]
We can't let that happen, Beth.
You can't let that happen.
Ms.
Burkhart, what are you planning to do with this camp? That's none of your business.
- Oh! - Bingo.
You know what our plans are for Camp Firewood? Graham, show Beth the plans.
There's nothing on it.
That's because we're not planning on changing a thing.
It's perfect just the way it is.
We'll keep everything here the same as it's been since time immemorial.
We make a solemn Tigerclaw oath.
Tigerclaw true salute.
Sun to moon, lips are mute.
Tiger growl! [growling.]
Wow.
That was a real impressive pitch from you guys.
Yet we still haven't heard a number.
[all scoff.]
That's our first, best, and last offer.
We pray it is sufficient.
- You know what to do.
- Yeah.
- [paper crumpling.]
- You got yourself a deal, Blake.
[all cheering.]
- You'll regret this.
- Bye-bye now! - [Graham.]
Walk out.
- [Warner.]
Bye-bye.
We'll arrange for the transfer of the money this afternoon.
Oh, thank you so much.
You've saved the spirit of Camp Firewood.
Thank you.
[whirring.]
[Mitch.]
Hmm.
[keypad beeping.]
Sir, I don't know what happened.
Your offer was a hundred times better, but she went with the other guys because she wanted the camp to stay the same.
I failed you, Mr.
President.
I'd like to offer you my resignation.
Well, there's no need for that.
[Blake.]
Those Firewood rubes did exactly what you said they'd do, Mr.
President.
You? I can't believe I didn't see you there.
They're in on it? I knew those old junior counselors wouldn't let me buy Firewood off with money.
So I gave them something they value more than anything else in the world.
The childish belief that they actually make a difference.
[laughing.]
And I saved $9,900,000.
[laughing.]
Firewood is mine! [all laughing.]
Yes! Oh, my God.
Did you hear something? [Mitch gasps.]
Well, don't just sit there, you imbeciles! Get him! [grunts.]
[panting.]
- Looks like your luck ran out.
- Nowhere to go now.
I'm not so sure.
Ha! You'd never make it alive.
That's a 50-foot drop.
You're a dead man.
I'll take my chances.
No one could survive a jump from that height.
Let's get out of here.
We don't need to wait another 30 seconds to see what happens.
[gasping.]
I'm alive! I'm alive! [Courtney scatting and harmonizing.]